Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU READING ?
IT'S A MYSTERY.
HAVE YOU CHECKED THE TITLE PAGE ?

THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD IS MAD AT PIG.
WHY?
'CAUSE HE TRIED TO REPLACE HIS STOLEN NATIVITY SCENE LAWN FIGURINES WITH ANYTHING HE COULD FIND.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
TELL MY KID.. NO!!
NO, BILLY, JESUS' PARENTS WERE NOT FLAMINGOS.

HOW'S PIG'S SEARCH GOING FOR THE STOLEN NATIVITY SCENE FIGURINES?
BAD... HE'S HAVING A REAL HARD TIME COMMUNICATING WITH THE NEIGHBORS.
I SAID I'M LOOKING FOR JESUS.
HAVE YOU TRIED GOING TO CHURCH?
NO, I TRUST THE PRIEST.

WHERE IS PIG?
GOING DOOR-TO-DOOR LOOKING FOR HIS STOLEN NATIVITY SCENE FIGURINES.
ANY PROGRESS?
NO, I THINK THERE'S A COMMUNICATION PROBLEM.
HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?
SLAM!!!

WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?

SOMEONE STOLE SOME OF THE GUYS FROM MY NATIVITY SCENE ON THE FRONT LAWN.

WHO DID THEY TAKE?

JESUS, MARY, JOSEPH AND THE WISE MEN... ALL THAT’S LEFT IS A SHEEP, A DONKEY, AND A COW.

WELL, IT MAKES A NICE PETTING ZOO.

WHY IS PIG SETTING UP HIS NATIVITY SCENE ON YOUR FRONT LAWN IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER?
BECAUSE HE WANTS TO RUN THROUGH THE SPRINKLERS.
SEE...ONLY LOSERS RUN THROUGH SPRINKLERS ALONE. AT LEAST THIS WAY, HE THINKS HE CAN FOOL THE NEIGHBORS INTO BELIEVING HE HAS FRIENDS.
...AND THAT'S MY BUDDY, THE BABY JESUS. HE'S REAL QUIET, BUT THAT'S OKAY, ‘CAUSE WE GO WAAAAAAAAY BACK.

I'M SO SORRY, PIG.
I AM TOO, RAT.
I'M AFRAID THAT NOTHING CAN HELP YOU NOW.
I KNOW...I'LL TRY TO BE BRAVE.
OH, PIG, I..I..
I LOVE YOU, MAN!
I LOVE YOU TOO.
- I SAID DO I LOOK FATTER IN THE RED DRESS OR THE BLUE?

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT AFTER YOU DIE, YOU RETURN TO LIFE IN A FORM BEFITTING THE TYPE OF LIFE YOU PRE -
VIOUSLY LED.
I MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY BAD.

THAT STUPID PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL CANCELED MY TALK SHOW AND REPLACED IT WITH SOME INSTRUCTIONAL SHOW ON CHEERLEADING?
CHEERLEADING?
YEAH, CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? AS IF SOME MORON'S GONNA SIT IN HIS LIVING ROOM AND LEARN TO BE A CHEERLEADER.
PUSH 'EM BACK!! PUSH 'EM BACK!! WAAAAAAAY BACK!!

RAT, THE TALK SHOW HOST
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE'LL HAVE LEGENDARY CROONER, BING CROSBY.
psst psst psst psst
FOLKS, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

RAT, THE TALK SHOW HOST
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS MYRA HERTZ. SO, MYRA, WHAT'S YOUR LATEST FILM PROJECT?
NONE. I'M A WAITRESS AT "WAFFLE BARN." AND YOU KNOW THAT.
LET'S GIVE A BIG SHOUT-OUT TO WAFFLES.

I'M STARTING MY OWN CELEBRITY TALK SHOW ON THE PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL.
WILL YOU HAVE GUESTS?
OF COURSE I'LL HAVE GUESTS... MAYBE NOT THE BIGGEST STARS AT FIRST, BUT I'LL WORK MY WAY UP TO IT.....
SO, FRED, DO YOU ENJOY BEING MY GARBAGEMAN?

AND SO THE CROSSING GUARD LOOKS AT ME LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF PSYCHO AND SAYS, "YOU'LL STOP YOUR CAR WHEN I SAY SO."
SO I ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND YELL AT THE GUY, "LISTEN, MISTER, THIS IS JUST HOW THEM NAZIS IN CANADA GOT THEIR START."
GERMANY. AND I DON'T THINK THEY GOT THEIR START BEING SCHOOL CROSSING GUARDS.
SHOULDA SEEN THE LOOK ON THAT IDIOT'S FACE.

PIG SHOULD STOP GOING OUT WITH MOODY PIGITA.
HER MOOD SWINGS WILL DRIVE HIM NUTS.
I THINK HE'S FOUND A WAY TO CONTROL THE PROBLEM BY MAKING THEIR DINNER DATES A LITTLE SHORTER.
VROOM
SCREEEECH
RUN RUN RUN RUN
C'MON...
C'MON...
HUR!!
SMACK!!
HONK HONK!!
LOVE YOU, BABE!!
VROOM VROOM
VROOOOM
VROOOOOO...
MMMMMM...
CHINESE FOOD...

DID YOU ENJOY THE FIRST-EVER CONVENTION OF UNTHINKOLOGYS?
WHAT? I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
IT WAS IN OUR LIVING ROOM LAST NIGHT.
BUT THERE WAS NO ONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM.
HEY, IF YOU CAN'T THINK, YOU SURELY CAN'T REMEMBER TO ATTEND A STUPID CONVENTION.
I WASN'T THINKING.
GET YOUR OWN CLUB.

THE LANDLORD CAME BY TODAY AND ASKED WHY I HADN'T PAID THE RENT.
I TOLD HIM I WAS NOW AN UNTHINKOLOGIST, MEANING I NO LONGER THOUGHT ABOUT ANYTHING, INCLUDING THE RENT.
WHAT'D HE SAY?
THAT HE, TOO, ENJOYS PHILOSOPHY.
NO, I CAN'T SAY I'VE EVER HEARD OF UNTHINKOLOGY...

I HAVE FOUNDED A NEW PHILOSOPHY...
"UNTHINKOLOGY"
WHAT IS IT?
THE BELIEF THAT THINKING CAUSES PAIN... HENCE, ONE MUST CEASE ALL THINKING.
HOW WILL ONE RECOGNIZE AN UNTHINKOLOGIST?
WE'LL BE THE GIDDY GUYS RUNNING INTO WALLS.

THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO STOP THINKING.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
WELL, IF YOU CAN'T THINK, YOU CAN'T WORRY ABOUT THE PAST, OR DREAD THE FUTURE...
YOU CAN'T TIE YOUR SHOES EITHER.
I'LL WEAR SANDALS.

I WOULD LOVE YOU A LOT MORE, PIGITA, IF YOU COULD JUST CONTROL YOUR MOOD SWINGS.
YOU ALWAYS EXAGGERATE, PIGGY WIGGY... CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY KNOWING I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
I GUESS...
...WHICH WON'T BE LONG 'CAUSE NOW YOU'VE MADE ME MAD AND I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD REPEATEDLY.
OH MY.

I HEARD YOU WENT ON A DATE LAST NIGHT.
YEAH... HER NAME IS PIGITA, BUT EVERYONE CALLS HER "MOODY."
WHY IS THAT?
I LOVE YOU, PIGGY WIGGY.
WELL, I LOVE --
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR BIG FAT FACE.
CHECK, PLEASE.

CAN I HELP YOU, MATE?
HI. I'M PIG. I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR.
I HEARD YOU JUST MOVED HERE FROM AUSTRALIA.
THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, I DID SOME RESEARCH AND FOUND OUT THAT ALTHOUGH IT'S SUMMER HERE, IT'S WINTER FOR YOU... KNOWING THAT, I THOUGHT I'D DRESS APPROPRIATELY.
BUT I'VE GOTTA SAY. IT'S KINDA STRANGE TO SEE YOU WEARING JUST A T-SHIRT... YOU MUST BE REALLY COLD.
SLAM!!!!
I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS.

WHAT I THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME WHEN I DIE
GEE, THAT'S A PRETTY HEAVY TOPIC TO WRITE ABOUT. WHAT DID YOU CONCLUDE HAPPENS? SALVATION? REINCARNATION?
I'D RATHER NOT SAY RIGHT NOW.
I FALL OVER.

A SIDE OF BACON, PLEASE.
HOW CAN SOMEONE LIKE YOU ORDER THAT?
IT'S A PIG-EAT-PIG WORLD.

HOW'D YOUR DATE WITH THAT ZEBRA GO LAST NIGHT?
NOT SO GOOD. A CROCODILE KILLED HER.
HOW WAS THE REST OF THE DATE?

WHO ATE THE LAST PIECE OF CAKE?
NOT ME, YOU MORON.
NOT ME YOU MORON
FRIEND OF YOURS?