Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Julia Roberts,
You are a "pretty woman".
Ha Ha Ha. Do you get it?
P.S. I hope so, because
that joke took me about
three weeks to write.

I LOVE THE FORTUNE COOKIES I GET AT THIS RESTAURANT... THIS ONE SAYS "YOU WILL FEAST LIKE A KING." HEH HEH... READ YOURS, PIG.
"YOU WILL BE MONKEY FOOD."
GUESS I SHOULD CANCEL MY ZOO MEMBERSHIP.

THIS DARN CROSSWORD PUZZLE IS IMPOSSIBLE.
WHAT WORD ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
A THREE-LETTER WORD FOR "CANINE" BEGINNING WITH THE LETTER "D."
DUMMY.
I THINK THAT HAS TOO MANY LETTERS.

HOW WAS YOUR DRIVING TEST?
NOT GOOD. THE GUY THAT WAS TESTING ME DIED HALFWAY THROUGH IT.
HEART ATTACK?
CAR ACCIDENT.
YOU DIDN'T PASS.
NO. BUT HE DID.

PIG SAYS SOME OF YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS ARE TURNING TO RELIGION TO PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM THE LIONS.
YEAH... MY COUSIN BOB EVEN WENT SO FAR AS TO GET BAPTIZED IN THE WATERING HOLE
DID HE LIKE IT?
NO... BUT THE CROCODILES ARE MORE RELIGIOUS THAN EVER.

HAVE ANY OF YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS EVER TRIED PRAYING TO ASK FOR PROTECTION FROM THE LIONS?
YEAH, BUT THEY WERE ALL KILLED.
WHY IS THAT?
KNEELING WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO SURVIVAL.

HEY THERE, DAN. HOW ARE THINGS?
GOOD. I JUST GOT MARRIED. THIS IS MY WIFE, STEPHANIE.
HOW YOU STAYING BUSY THESE DAYS?
I OPENED MY OWN FLORIST SHOP. MATTER OF FACT, I JUST GOT MY SIGN MADE... WHADDYA THINK...
THAT ONE LEAF LOOKS A LITTLE BIG.
YEAH IT DOES. I BETTER TAKE IT BACK... I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
THAT'S ONE SMALL STEPH FOR DAN,
ONE GIANT LEAF FOR DAN'S SIGN.

...SO SAINT PETER WOULDN'T LET YOU INTO HEAVEN?
NO. HE SAID I WAS BAD.
WELL, NOW THAT YOU KNOW YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES, WHAT KIND OF THINGS ARE YOU GOING TO AVOID FROM NOW ON?
DEATH.

THE NURSE SAYS YOU CAN'T HEAR ME... BUT I JUST WANTED TO SAY I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T SEE THE CAR COMING. IT'S ALL MY FAULT... PLEASE WAKE UP... PLEASE DON'T BE COMBING TOES.
COMATOSE.
THOSE POOR TOES.

ABE LINCOLN?
WOW, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET SOMEONE FROM THE 19TH CENTURY AND ASK THEM SOME QUESTIONS.
WELL, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET SOMEONE FROM THE 21ST CENTURY AND ASK THEM SOME QUESTIONS.
GREAT... YOU GO FIRST.
HOW'D THAT PLAY END?

SO WHAT HAPPENS HERE IN HEAVEN?
NOT VERY MUCH. PEOPLE JUST SIT AROUND AND HAVE POLITE LITTLE CONVERSATIONS AND IT JUST SEEMS TO GO ON AND ON AND ON.
YOU MEAN HEAVEN IS ONE BIG "MERCHANT AND IVORY" FILM?
YES, BUT YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE THEATER.

RAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
HEY, GRANDMA! I DIED... ST. PETER WON'T LET ME STAY, BUT HE SAID I COULD HAVE A LOOK AROUND.
THEN WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
I'LL BE CAST INTO A FIERY PIT OF TORMENT AND SUFFERING FOR ALL ETERNITY.
OH, LOOK... I'M LATE FOR BINGO.

HOW CAN YOU KEEP ME OUT OF HEAVEN JUST BECAUSE I WAS BAD?... I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN.
SO?
WELL, GIVEN THAT I DIDN'T VOLUNTEER FOR THIS LIFE THING, I'D SAY I WAS A PRETTY GOOD SPORT... THAT OUGHTA COUNT FOR SOMETHING.
HERE'S A NICE TOASTER OVEN... MAYBE SATAN HAS SOME BAGELS.

WHAT ARE THESE THINGS?
MY RECYCLING BINS.
WHAT ARE THEY FOR?
I PUT MY DISCARDED BOTTLES AND STUFF IN THEM AND THE CITY PICKS THEM UP.
WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM?
THEY TAKE THEM TO THE RECYCLING PLANT AND TURN THEM INTO SOMETHING NEW.
YOU MEAN THESE LITTLE BOXES TAKE SOME USELESS THING THAT NO ONE WANTS AND TURN IT INTO SOME- THING NEW?
YEAH. MORE OR LESS...

SO WHY DON'T I GET INTO HEAVEN?
WELL, FOR STARTERS, YOU WERE SELF-CENTERED, ARROGANT AND RUDE.
BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT I CAN'T LET YOU INTO HEAVEN.
THAT'S IT? THAT'S ALL I GET? NOW I'M CONDEMNED TO A PLACE OF TORMENT FOR ALL ETERNITY?
WE'VE GOT SOME NICE PARTING GIFTS IN THE BACK.

SO DO I GET INTO HEAVEN?
NO.
WHY NOT?
YOU WERE BAD.
HOOEY.

I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT YOU'RE NOT MOTHER TERESA.
I AM MOTHER TERESA. ASK ME SOMETHING.
OKAY... WHO DID YOU SPEND YOUR LIFE HELPING?
THOSE POOR LEOPARDS.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
WHAT THE?? WELL, DO I GET IN?
HEAVEN... YOU GOT HIT BY A CAR.
HMMM... LET ME LOOK YOU UP IN MY BOOK AND SEE WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU LIVED. NOW THEN... WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
MOTHER TERESA.

I GOT MY EYES DILATED AND I CAN'T SEE. CAN YOU HELP ME CROSS THE STREET?
SURE.
REMEMBER TO LOOK BOTH WAYS...
ARE WE THERE YET?

PAPER OR PLASTIC?
CHECK.
YOU HAVE TO PICK.
CHECK.
I'M PAYING WITH A CHECK.
CHECK WHAT?
WHO CARES??
A BAG.
SO...NO PAPER. NO PLASTIC.
YOU STUPID PIG!! I'M NOT ASKING YOU HOW YOU'RE PAYING!! I'M ASKING YOU WHAT YOU WANT YOUR GROCERIES IN!!!
SO...WHAT?
NOT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE THAT KEEPS ASKING.
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING.
I AM ANSWERING... I DON'T HAVE CASH AND I DON'T HAVE A CREDIT CARD.

DO YOU THINK THAT AFTER YOU DIE, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ASK GOD ONE QUESTION YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED ANSWERED?
YEAH.. BUT BECAUSE GOD IS SO SMART, I BET HE'LL TALK REAL FAST AND USE BIG WORDS I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
SO MAYBE I'LL JUST SAY HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WRITING ENTRIES IN MY BIRD-WATCHING JOURNAL.
LEMME SEE.
PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON.
DEAD PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON.
PIGEON. PIGEON. PIGEON.
YOU MAY WANT TO GET OUT OF THE CITY NOW AND THEN.

ARE YOU STILL DOING THAT VOLUNTEER PROGRAM TO HELP FORMER MAFIA MEMBERS CONTROL THEIR ANGER?
YEAH... YESTERDAY WE GAVE THEM ALL A BIG COLORING BOOK AND HAD THEM WORK ON A PICTURE TOGETHER.
HOW'D IT GO?
OKAY... UNTIL VINNIE GOT A LITTLE CARELESS WITH HIS PART AND SAMMY OFFED HIM.
HE MUST HAVE CROSSED THE LINE.

I REGRET THE PAST AND
DREAD THE FUTURE... THAT
LEAVES ME WITH A FLEETING
NANOSECOND CALLED THE
PRESENT TO BE HAPPY.
MISSED IT.