Pearls Before Swine | Search

D'YOU HEAR NEIGHBOR BOB GOT FIRED FROM HIS JOB?
NO. WHAT'D HE DO?
HE GOT BORED WHILE AT WORK AND DECIDED TO CATCH A MOVIE.
THAT'S A PRETTY UNFORGIVING EMPLOYER.
YEAH, AS IF BEING AN AIRLINE PILOT ISN'T STRESSFUL ENOUGH.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING IN THERE?
A BOXING MATCH...
...BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN, THEY LET THE FIGHTERS TAKE A BREAK AND GO ICE SKATING.
THAT'S CALLED HOCKEY, YOU DUMB PIG.
IT'S NICE... MAYBE IT'LL CATCH ON.

HOW'S YOUR EFFORT GOING TO PROTECT YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS FROM THE LIONS?
NOT GOOD... THE POPEMOBILES WERE A COMPLETE FIASCO
POPOMOBILES?
YEAH... YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE BUBBLE CAR THE POPE RIDES IN?... EACH OF THE ZEBRAS BOUGHT ONE.
DID THEY WORK?
TOO WELL... AFTER AWHILE, NONE OF THE ZEBRAS WOULD GET OUT OF THEIR CARS AND THE WHOLE HERD DIED OFF.
BUT I THOUGHT THEY WERE PROTECTED
THEY WERE.
BUT IT'S HARD TO MAKE BABIES BLOWING KISSES THROUGH WINDOWS.

THIS BOOK I'M READING SAYS THAT WHEN A MAN GETS MARRIED, HIS LIFE IS OVER... HOWEVER, MOST MEN WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT FACT.
OH.
INSTEAD, THEY ENTER A STAGE OF DENIAL WHERE THEY TRY TO CONVINCE THEMSELVES AND OTHERS THAT THEY REMAIN FREE, VIRILE BEINGS.
WHEN DOES THAT END?
WHEN THEY BUY THEIR FIRST MINI-VAN... THEN THE GIG IS UP.

SCOTT ADAMS IS SUING ME...
HE SAYS MY BILDERT STRIP IS A COMPLETE RIP-OFF OF HIS "DILBERT" STRIP.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
FIND A LAWYER WHO'LL RECOGNIZE THE OBVIOUS DIFFERENCES AND DEFEND ME.
DILBERT: FIVE LUMPS OF HAIR.
BILDERT: NO MORE THAN FOUR.

GOAT SAYS YOUR BILDERT STRIP IS A BLATANT RIP-OFF OF "DILBERT."
HE DID, HUH? WELL, ASK HIM IF HE THINKS DA VINCI'S "LAST SUPPER" IS A RIP-OFF... AFTER ALL, THE LAST SUPPER WASN'T HIS IDEA, NOW WAS IT?
YOU'RE A GOOD DEBATER.

MY DILBERT STRIP HAS IMPROVED SINCE MY INTRODUCTION OF THE PRICKLY-HAIRED BOSS.
THAT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE DILBERT'S BOSS.
PLEASE. DILBERT'S BOSS'S HAIR STICKS UP AT A NINETY DEGREE ANGLE FROM THE TOP OF HIS HEAD... THE HAIR ON DILBERT'S BOSS IS AT AN OBVIOUS SEVENTY-EIGHT DEGREE ANGLE.
YOU NEED TO THINK BEFORE YOU TALK.
SORRY. I LEFT MY PROTRACTOR AT HOME.

WHAT'D YOU BUY?
A COLLECTION OF LAST YEAR'S "DILBERT" STRIPS.
I FIGURE IF EVERYONE IS GONNA ACCUSE ME OF RIPPING IT OFF, I MIGHT AS WELL AT LEAST SEE THE STUPID STRIP.
HOW IS IT?
BORING... DID I MENTION I RECENTLY HAD ABOUT 365 NEW IDEAS FOR MY BILDERT STRIP?

I HEARD YOU'RE DRAWING A COMIC STRIP THAT IS A RIP-OFF OF "DILBERT."
OH, I SEE. JUST BECAUSE I DO A STRIP ABOUT AN OFFICE WORKER NAMED "BLOBERT," I'M RIPPING SOMEONE OFF, HUH?
THE TIE THAT CURLS UPWARD IS ANOTHER HINT.
PLEASE. IT'S WINDY WHERE BLOBERT LIVES.

WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING?
A NEW COMIC STRIP.
IT’S CALLED “BILBERT” AND IT’S ABOUT THIS GUY WHO WORKS IN A CUBICLE AND HAS THIS STUPID BOSS.
GEE, THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE THAT “DILBERT” STRIP.
OKAY...STOP RIGHT THERE.
JUST ‘CAUSE I DO A STRIP THAT SOUNDS VAGUELY LIKE SOME OTHER STRIP IS NO REASON TO ACCUSE ME OF RIPPING SOME GUY OFF.
I’M SORRY...I DIDN’T MEAN THAT.
SO WHO’S HIS LITTLE FRIEND?
THAT’S HIS DOG, BOSBERT.

I'VE HEARD THAT YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS ARE TRYING TO FOOL THE LIONS BY PLAYING DEAD.
YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT WORKING.
OF THE ONE HUNDRED REPORTED INSTANCES OF ZEBRAS FAKING THEIR DEATH, NINETY-NINE WERE KILLED BY THE LIONS.
WELL... AT LEAST ONE GUY MADE IT.
NO... HE WASN'T FAKING.

THE MAN WHO OWNED THE GOLDFISH STORE DIED TODAY.
HOW SAD...ARE YOU GOING TO THE FUNERAL?
I'D LIKE TO, BUT THE FAMILY SAID I COULDN'T COME.
WHY NOT?
THEY'RE HAVING A PRIVATE FLUSHING.

DID YOU KNOW THAT DURING RAINSTORMS, SOME TURKEYS TILT THEIR HEAD BACK TO DRINK THE RAIN AND THEN DROWN?
THAT'S JUST A MYTH... NO LIVING CREATURE CAN BE THAT STUPID.
...CAN'T... BREATHE...

TELEVISION IS CLEARLY THE MOST IMPORTANT DEVELOPMENT OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY.
WHAT ABOUT THE POLIO VACCINE?? THAT WAS KIND OF IMPORTANT.
NOT TO ME, IT ISN'T... I DON'T HAVE POLIO.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YEAH, I JUST PUT MY A.T.M. CARD IN YOUR A.T.M. OUTSIDE AND I CAN'T GET IT BACK.
WE DON'T HAVE AN A.T.M.
WHAT'S THAT OUT FRONT?
A NEWSPAPER RACK.
...CAN I BORROW A QUARTER?

MY MOM IS AN OX.
WHAT?
LOOK... SHE SIGNED HER LETTER "MOM OX."
SHE'S GIVING YOU HUGS AND KISSES
I DON'T WANT THEM FROM AN OX.

READY TO RAT BROKER...CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH...YESTERDAY YOU TOLD ME TO PUT MY KID'S ENTIRE COLLEGE SAVINGS INTO SOME INTERNET STOCK AND TODAY IT DROPPED 97%...
THAT'S BAD...YOU SHOULD SELL THAT DOG.
WHAT??!! JUST YESTERDAY YOU GAVE IT YOUR HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION
GOOD POINT...YOU SHOULD BUY MORE.
BUT YOU JUST SAID--
FORGET WHAT I SAID...
FORGET? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR MY KID'S COLLEGE?
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT BEING A STOCK BROKER?

DID YOU HEAR MR. BAILEY'S GUIDE DOG LOST HIS SIGHT?
HOW AWFUL. HOW WILL MR. BAILEY GET AROUND?

HEY, A HOPSCOTCH BOARD!
YIPPEEEE!!
IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR?
I LEFT... IT WAS WAY TOO UNSAFE.
UNSAFE?
YEAH. GANGS RUN THE PLACE... IF YOU WANT PROTECTION, YOU GOTTA EITHER HANG WITH THE CONDIMENTS OR THE BEER...
WHO'D YOU PICK?
THE COTTAGE CHEESE.
YOU FOOL!
YES... I CHEATED DEATH...

COME OUT OF THE FRIDGE, PIG.
NO. THERE'S TOO MANY BAD PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, AND I'M SCARED.
WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY SAFER IN THE REFRIGERATOR?
I TRUST THE TOFU.

I HEARD PIG'S SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING, HE'S GONE INTO HIDING.
YEAH, HE'S IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
WHY WOULD SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO GO INTO HIDING CHOOSE THE REFRIGERATOR?
THERE WAS NO FOOD IN THE DRYER.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE CONCLUDED THAT LIFE IS JUST TOO DANGEROUS, SO HE'S GOING INTO HIDING.
WHERE'S HE GONNA GO?
HE SAID HE'S GONNA FIND A SMALL, DARK PLACE WITH NO WINDOWS AND ENOUGH FOOD TO LAST FOR DAYS.
I CAN'T FEEL MY TOES.

YEAH, THIS STOCK I'M WATCHING HAS GONE UP, UP, UP... IS IT THE RIGHT TIME TO BUY?
WELL, IF YOU BUY IT, AND IT GOES UP, THEN YES, THAT WAS THE RIGHT TIME TO BUY
BUT IF YOU BUY IT, AND IT GOES DOWN, THEN NO, IT WAS NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO BUY ....
YEAH, BUT WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?
I RECOMMEND YOU BUY IT IF THE RIGHT TIME.
HUH??
WELL, ARE YOU RECOMMENDING THAT NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME?
YES .... ASSUMING IT'S GONNA GO UP.
SIR, YOU SOUND CONFUSED. PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE MY LATEST NEWSLETTER.... "BUYING STOCKS WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT."
FINE .... SEND IT ....
FINE, BUT I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND READING IT.

WELCOME to the
Church of the
Amazing Grace
Annual Festival
LOST
AND
FOUND
STILL
LOST