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LEADING OFF TONIGHT'S NEWS, FINAL HOLDOUTS JOHN AND BETTY BUTTERWEED OF PEORIA, ILLINOIS, BOUGHT AN S.U.V. AND RENTED A JIM CARREY VIDEO TODAY....
SO, IT IS NOW OFFICIAL..... EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN FAMILY IS LEADING THE EXACT SAME LIFE.
IN OTHER NEWS, SCIENTISTS TODAY DECLARED ALL GENETIC CLONING MOOT...

HEY, WHERE'S THE FRUIT I LEFT ON THE COUNTER? IT'S TIME FOR OUR "FRUIT BUDDIES" MEETING.
MMMMMMM...FRUIT SHAKE...SLUUUUUUUURP....

Fellow "Fruit Buddies", I'm going to ask that you make Petey Potato feel welcome in our little group.
*cough* *cough* Freak! *cough* *cough*
*cough* *cough* Mushrooms *cough* Potato Salad *cough* *cough*
Sigh.

FELLOW "FRUIT BUDDIES," OUR MEMBERSHIP HAS DWINDLED SEVERELY... IF OUR CLUB IS TO SURVIVE, WE WILL HAVE TO START ACCEPTING POTATOES INTO THE BROTHERHOOD.
WALK-OUTS ARE VERY ANNOYING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE CRISPER, PIG?
"FRUIT BUDDIES" MEETING. CLOSE THE DOOR, PLEASE.
FINE... LEMME JUST GRAB AN ORANGE FIRST.
IS GOD MAD AT US, BROTHER PIG?
OURS IS NOT TO QUESTION WHY, BROTHER BANANA.
THERE GOES OUR QUORUM.

THAT DUMB PIG IS HAVING ANOTHER "FRUIT BUDDIES" MEETING TODAY.
IS THAT WHERE HE SITS AND TALKS WITH ALL THE FRUIT?
YEP... BUT EVER SINCE I ATE "GEORGIE GRAPE," THEY'VE BEEN MORE SECRETIVE ABOUT THE LOCATION OF THE MEETING.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PIG, GET YOUR BIG BUTT OUT OF THE CRISPER!!
POINT OF ORDER!! POINT OF ORDER!!

POINT OF ORDER! POINT OF ORDER!

YES, ANNIE APPLE.

I'D LIKE TO ASK SECRETARY BANANA TO READ BACK THE MINUTES FROM OUR APRIL 5H MEETING.
BEFORE WE DO THAT, I'LL MOVE TO HAVE GEORGIE GRAPE FILL UP THE BUDGET.

I'LL SECOND BROTHER PEAR'S MOTION...
WHAT IN THE NAME OF @#*&?! SANITY IS HAPPENING HERE?!?
IT'S THE MEETING OF THE "FRUIT BUDDIES."
YOU DUMB PIG.... THESE ARE FRUIT. FRUIT DON'T THINK AND THEY DON'T TALK. THEY'RE FRUIT... AND I'M HUNGRY...
GULP!

THIS WILL NOT HELP OUR GRAPE RECRUITING DRIVE.

I CAN'T SLEEP.
MERCHANT AND......
THUD!!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
..IVORY.

HE HATES IT WHEN I CATCH HIM DOING THE "RIVERDANCE".

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A DOCUMENTARY ON THE SEARCH FOR AMELIA EARHART.
GOSH, I THINK I SAW HER IN THE CHECKOUT LINE AT THE GROCERY STORE.
PIG, SHE HASN'T BEEN SEEN IN 65 YEARS.
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A SLOW LINE.

DEAR BOB DOLE,
I NOTICE THAT INSTEAD OF
SAYING "ME" OR "I", YOU ALWAYS
SAY "BOB DOLE" WHEN YOU'RE
REFERRING TO YOURSELF...
I THINK THAT'S A VERY EFFECTIVE
STYLE OF SPEECH AND HAVE
EVEN BEGUN DOING IT
MYSELF.
P.S. OF COURSE, WHEN I
DO IT, I LOOK STUPID BECAUSE
MY NAME IS NOT REALLY
"BOB DOLE".

I HEARD YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS HAVE A NEW WAY TO ESCAPE THE LIONS.
YEAH, THEY COAT THEMSELVES IN BUTTER AND TRY TO SLIP FROM THEIR GRASP.
DOES IT WORK?
NO. BUT THEY TASTE BETTER.

HELLO, PIG.
HELLO TO YOU. GOOD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.
HOW ARE THINGS?
OH, I CAN'T COMPLAIN, PIG.
MY SOCIAL LIFE HAS IMPROVED IMMEASURABLY SINCE WE ADDED A SECOND PHONE LINE.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT THE PHRASES "MARRIED FOR LIFE" AND "MARRIED FOR LIE" ARE SEPARATED BY JUST ONE LETTER?
OH, I SEE.
YEAH, YOU GOTTA WATCH WHAT YOU MAIL TO PEOPLE.
NOT THAT KIND OF LETTER... AN ALPHABET LETTER.
OH.
NOT "O." "I."
NOT "U" "I"!!!
NOOOOO!! NOT "O-I-C"!!! JUST "I"!! JUST ONE LOUSY STINKIN' "I"!! AUGGGGHHH!!!
GEE, ARE YOU OKAY?

WE ALWAYS LOOK BACK ON ANCIENT TIMES AND WONDER HOW THEY LIVED WITHOUT TODAY'S CONVENIENCES, LIKE TV'S, PHONES, COMPUTERS.
...AND YET, SOME DAY, SOMEONE'S GONNA LOOK BACK AT US AND WONDER THE SAME THING.
YEAH, BUT THEY'D BE PRETTY STUPID, 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT ALL THAT STUFF.

I WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN MAKE GOOD MONEY BUT STILL CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY.
HOW ABOUT BEING AN ATTORNEY?
HEE HEE HOO!!!
HEE HEE HAN!!!
YUK YUK YUK!!
HEE HEE!
SNDOORT!
HEE HOO!!
SNOORRT!!
NO, SERIOUSLY, I WAS THINKING MAYBE A MOBSTER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT…
THEY DO HAVE AN HONOR CODE.

WE HAD TO END OUR LION PACIFICATION PROGRAM.
WHY?
WE REALIZED THAT ONLY THE DUMB ZEBRAS WERE VOLUNTEERING TO BE EATEN.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
THERE'LL BE NO ONE LEFT TO MAKE FUN OF.

HOW'S YOUR HERD'S LION PACIFICATION PROGRAM GOING?
GOOD... COUSIN BURT VOLUNTEERED TO BE EATEN BY THE LIONS.
WHY'D HE DO THAT?
HE'S STUPID THAT WAY.

HOW'S YOUR HERD'S LION PACIFICATION PROGRAM GOING?
BAD. NONE OF THE ZEBRAS WOULD VOLUNTEER TO BE SACRIFICED TO THE LIONS.
WELL, WHY WOULD THEY?
WE OFFERED A NICE PLAQUE.

MY ZEBRA HERD'S GIVEN UP ON TRYING TO SURVIVE THE LIONS.
INSTEAD, WE'VE DECIDED TO PACIFY THEM BY FREELY OFFERING UP ONE ZEBRA PER WEEK.
BUT WHO'LL PICK THE ZEBRA?
WE'RE ASKING FOR VOLUNTEERS.

DEAR ANTELOPES,
GIVEN THE FACT THAT
BOTH OF OUR HERDS ARE
PURSUSED BY THE DESPOTIC
LIONS, WE HAVE AN OBVIOUS
COMMONALITY OF INTEREST.
WE PROPOSE JOINTLY WRIT-
ING A BOOK FOR DISTRIBUTION
AMONGST THE LIONS THAT
WOULD PERSUADE THEM TO
STOP PURSUING OUR RE-
SPECTIVE HERDS.
ENCLOSED PLEASE FIND OUR
PROPOSED CHAPTER ONE,
TITLED, "WHY KILLING IS
MORALLY WRONG."
WE WOULD GREATLY APPRE-
CIATE IT IF YOU WOULD
CONTRIBUTE A CHAPTER
OF YOUR OWN...
HA HA.
OH, THANK YOU.
DEAR ZEBRAS,
ENCLOSED PLEASE FIND
CHAPTER TWO, "FIFTY
WAYS TO BARBECUE A
ZEBRA."

SIGH...

BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP
BEEP BEP BOOP BOOP
BEEP BEEP BOOP BOP
BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP
WHAT
WAS
THAT
NOISE?
MY CAR ALARM...
IT'S TO PAY BACK
THAT NEIGHBOR
WITH THE BARKING
DOG.
YOU
DON'T
OWN
A CAR.
I KNOW... I JUST
TIE IT TO MY REAR
END AND SIT ON
HIS CHIMNEY.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING TO THE TV EARLIER?
SINCE WE LOST THE REMOTE,
I HOOKED IT UP TO "THE CLAPPER"
SO WE CAN AT LEAST
TURN IT OFF EASY.
YOU NEED TO LEARN TO LAUGH
WITHOUT SLAPPING YOUR KNEE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT HALF OF ALL MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE?
THEN WHY DO PEOPLE GET MARRIED?
SO THEY NEVER HAVE TO BUY THEIR OWN BLENDERS.

I MESSED UP ANOTHER JOB INTERVIEW TODAY.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT?
THE GUY WAS EXPLAINING THE COMPANY'S SUBSTANCE ABUSE POLICY AND SO I THOUGHT I'D ASK SOME FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
...AND DO YOU SUPPOSE I COULD BE GIVEN A LIST OF THE DATES ON WHICH THESE RANDOM DRUG TESTS WILL OCCUR?