Pearls Before Swine | Search

AND THAT'S WHY THE LIBRARIAN YELLED AT ME, IN A NUTSHELL.
BUT YOU SAID IT HAPPENED IN THE LIBRARY.
IT DID HAPPEN IN THE LIBRARY.
AHHHHHH..... THEN WHAT'S THIS ABOUT A NUTSHELL?
I'D MAKE A GOOD DETECTIVE.

OKAY...ONE OF YOU SIMIANS
OBVIOUSLY DISCLOSED RAT
BROKER'S PATENTED METHOD OF
HAVING DRUNK MONKEYS PICK
STOCKS...SO YOU'RE ALL FIRED.
OOO
OOO
EEE.
THAT'S RIGHT, LARRY.
UNDER PARAGRAPH 3(B)
OF THE LABOR AGREEMENT,
YOUR EMPLOYEE STOCK
OPTIONS ARE FORFEITED.
EEE
EEE
OOO.
PERSONAL THREATS
WILL NOT BE
TOLERATED.

RAT BROKER... CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, YOU'RE AN IDIOT... ALL YOUR STOCK PICKS STINK!!
WHADDYA GOT OVER THERE,
A BUNCH OF DRUNK MONKEYS
THROWING DARTS AT
THE BUSINESS SECTION?!!?
OKAY, WHO HERE VIOLATED OUR
CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT?

WELCOME TO RAT BROKER.
MAY I HELP YOU?
YEAH, EVERY STOCK YOU'VE RECOMMENDED HAS TANKED!!
WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?
BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE MONEY!!
YOU NEED TO BE A LOT CLEARER ABOUT YOUR INVESTMENT OBJECTIVES BEFOREHAND.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M A STOCKBROKER NOW.
WHAT QUALIFIES YOU TO BE A STOCKBROKER?
I LIKE TO TAKE PEOPLE'S HARD-EARNED MONEY AND PROVIDE NO VALUABLE SERVICE IN RETURN.
WOULDN'T PICKPOCKETING BE SIMPLER?
YEAH, BUT MY HANDS ARE TOO SLOW.

I MET THE LUCKIEST LITTLE CANARY AT THE PARK TODAY.
WHAT MAKES HIM SO LUCKY?
BECAUSE HE HAS THE WORLD'S EASIEST JOB.
WHAT'S HE DO?
WELL, HE TRAVELS INTO COAL MINES WITH THESE MINERS AND WHILE THE MINERS SLAVE AWAY, HE JUST SITS THERE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT... THEY DON'T MAKE HIM DIG OR ANYTHING.
HE SAYS THAT WITH ALL THAT FREE TIME, HE READS MAGAZINES, DOES WORD JUMBLES AND WRITES LETTERS TO HIS GIRLFRIEND...
SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK...

WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND, "MR. QUIET UNDERWATER GUY"?
WE HAD A FALLING OUT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, HE NEVER TALKED AND HE WAS ALWAYS STARING AT ME, SO I JUST BLEW UP AT HIM.
HOW'D HE REACT?
I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM THAT MAD.

THEY DRAINED THE REFLECTING POOL... NOW I CAN'T FIND "MR. QUIET UNDERWATER GUY."
HAVE YOU TRIED THE AMUSEMENT PARK? I HEAR HE LIKES THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS.
GOSH, YOU'VE REALLY LET YOURSELF GO.

HOW CAN PIG THINK HIS REFLECTION IN A POOL IS AN ACTUAL PIG?
I MEAN, HE MUST SEE HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR EVERY MORNING, AND HE DOESN'T THINK THAT'S ANOTHER PIG...
...DOES HE?
YOU REMIND ME OF MY OTHER FRIEND "MR. QUIET MEDICINE CABINET GUY."

WHERE IS PIG?
HE AND RAT WENT DOWNTOWN TO SEE PIG'S NEW FRIEND.
OH, THAT QUIET GUY HE MEETS AT THE REFLECTING POOL?
YEAH... HE REALLY WANTS RAT TO MEET HIM.
OKAY, NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU DIDN'T MENTION YOU WERE BRINGING ANYONE.

I HEARD PIG MADE SOME FRIEND AT THE REFLECTING POOL DOWNTOWN.
YEAH, BUT IT'S STRANGE BECAUSE PIG SAYS THE GUY WON'T TELL HIM HIS NAME.
HOW ABOUT IF I JUST CALL YOU MR. QUIET UNDERWATER GUY?

WHERE IS PIG ?
HE SAID HE WENT TO MEET SOME OTHER PIG AT THE REFLECTING POOL DOWNTOWN.
THAT'S GREAT... IT'S NICE TO KNOW HE CAN GO OUT ON HIS OWN AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS.
SO... HOW DO YOU BREATHE UNDER THERE ?

WHERE DID PIG GO?
TO THAT NEW GREEK RESTAURANT DOWNTOWN.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
"F."
"F"? THERE'S NO RESTAURANT CALLED "F."
THAT'S WHAT I SAID. BUT HE SAID HE SAW IT ON A LITTLE SIGN IN THE WINDOW.
THAT'S NOT THE NAME. IT'S THE GRADE GIVEN TO IT BY THE COUNTY FOR ITS CLEANLINESS AND FOOD HANDLING STANDARDS. AN "F" IS THE LOWEST POSSIBLE GRADE.
SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
YASOU, PIG...GEORGIOS, HE DROP YOU GYRO BEHIND STOVE, BUT EES OKAY, BECOSE YANNI CAN REACH WITH MOP...

I WISH I HAD A PURPOSE.
ME, TOO.
REALLY, PIG? WHY?
BECAUSE THEN I COULD SIT ON HIS BACK AND RIDE THROUGH THE OCEAN AND SING . . .
I SAID "PURPOSE."
FLIPPER FLIPPER FASTER THAN LIIIIGHTNING.

RAT, THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
HOW CAN I HELP YOU TWO?
IT'S MY WIFE... SHE PAYS NO ATTENTION TO ME AND ACTS LIKE I'M NOT EVEN IN THE ROOM.
IT'S MY HUSBAND... I'M SECRETLY PLANNING TO KILL HIM.

RAT, THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
IT'S MY HUSBAND.
I TRY TO TALK WITH HIM AND SHARE MY FEELINGS ABOUT THINGS, BUT HE NEVER LISTENS...I CAN'T STAND LIVING WITH SOMEONE WHO IS SO INSENSITIVE TO MY NEEDS.
YOU HAVE A BIG NOSE.

RAT, THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
AND HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
IT'S MY HUSBAND. I HATE HIM.
EVERY TIME I SEE HIM, I WANT TO PUSH HIS FAT FACE DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND USE THE LIFE INSURANCE MONEY TO TAKE MY SECRET LOVER TO BERMUDA.
I THINK YOU'RE GROWING APART.

WHERE IS RAT?
HE GOT A JOB AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.
WHAT? HE HAS NO TRAINING IN CONFLICT RESOLUTION.
HE SAYS HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.
PERHAPS THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME FOR THE BAMBOO STICK FIGHT.

I INTERVIEWED TODAY FOR
A JOB AS A MARRIAGE
COUNSELOR, BUT I DON'T
THINK I GOT THE JOB.
WHY NOT?
HE ASKED WHAT I THOUGHT
WAS AT THE ROOT OF ALL
MARITAL DISCORD AND I
THINK I GAVE A BAD ANSWER.
OH, IT COULDN'T HAVE
BEEN THAT BAD.
ALL WOMEN ARE NUTS, SIR.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

JUST SOME COFFEE TABLE BOOK.
COFFEE TABLES? I JUST SEE PRETTY PICTURES OF FARMS.
IT'S THE ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE.
WHERE ARE THE COFFEE TABLES?
THERE ARE NO COFFEE TABLES.
THEN WHERE DO THE ENGLISH PUT THEIR COFFEE?
YOU DUMB PIG! IT'S NOT A BOOK ABOUT COFFEE TABLES... IT'S A BOOK ABOUT THE ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE!! CAN'T YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEAD?!?
MAYBE THAT'S WHY THEY DRINK TEA INSTEAD.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
SOME NATURE SHOW....
THIS FEMALE ELEPHANT IS LOOKING FOR A BULL TO MATE WITH.
THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE.

DEAR JULIA ROBERTS, YOU ARE SO PRETTY AND SO SMART. I AM SO DUMB AND SO FAT.
I GUESS WHEN GOD WAS HANDING OUT THE GOOD STUFF, I MUSTA BEEN TAKING A POTTY BREAK.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL IMAGE.
THANKS. IT'S HOW MY MOM EXPLAINED IT TO ME.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
THIS BOOK ON HOW TO ACHIEVE FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE.
HOW MUCH WAS IT?
I RIPPED IT OFF.
GOOD START.

I’VE JUST JOINED THIS PIG GROUP DEDICATED TO ELIMINATING PIG-BASED INSULTS FROM OUR EVERYDAY LANGUAGE.
LIKE WHAT?
WE’RE GONNA START WITH “COMMIE PIG.” IT’S VERY DEROGATORY TOWARD PIGS.
WHAT ARE YOU PROPOSING PEOPLE SAY INSTEAD?
“COMMIE COW.”

AND SO THE GUY SAYS, "SORRY SIR, ALL PASSENGER CARRY-ON ITEMS MUST GO THROUGH THE X-RAY MACHINE."
WHAT'D YOU DO?
I GRABBED MY SUITCASE WITH BOTH HANDS AND GAVE A BIG SPEECH ABOUT HOW SAD IT IS THAT NO ONE CAN TRUST ANYONE ANY MORE.
THEN WHAT?
THAT'S WHEN THE SUITCASE BUSTED OPEN AND THE SIX HUNDRED CUBAN CIGARS ROLLED OUT.