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I THINK I BLEW ANOTHER JOB INTERVIEW.
HOW SO?
I TRIED TO SHOW THE GUY HOW SERIOUSLY I TOOK HIS COMPANY'S POLICY AGAINST SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
SOUNDS OKAY TO ME.
...SO THEN, WHICH FELLOW EMPLOYEES DO YOU THINK I CAN GROPE WITHOUT FEAR OF LITIGATION?

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY, BUT I DON'T THINK I GOT THE JOB.
WHY NOT?
I THINK I ASKED A STUPID QUESTION.
THEY SAY THERE ARE NO STUPID QUESTIONS.
NOW THEN... HOW STRICT IS YOUR POLICY AGAINST EMPLOYEE THEFT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
FILLING OUT A COLLEGE APPLICATION.
WHY?
THIS COLLEGE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR ACADEMIC RECORD. THEY JUST WANT AN ESSAY ON HARDSHIPS YOU'VE OVERCOME.
LEMME SEE.
"DEAR ADMISSIONS OFFICER... MY FATHER DIED. I AM POOR... MY NOSE IS RUNNING AS I WRITE THIS..."
I HAVE NO SHOES. I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT. SOMEONE STOLE MY FRONT DOOR. MY FATHER DIED.
YOU HAVE YOUR FATHER DYING TWICE.
I DO?
...AS YOU CAN SEE, HARD LUCK RUNS IN THE FAMILY."

WHERE'S YOUR CAP O' IMMORTALITY?
I TOOK IT OFF. I REALIZED THAT IF I LIVE FOREVER, AND YOU DON'T, I'LL BE LONELY.
REALLY?
WELL, THAT, AND THE FACT I CAN'T ENTERTAIN WITH A DEAD PIG ON THE SOFA.

WHERE’S MY CAP O’ IMMORTALITY??
IN THE WASHER. IT WAS DIRTY.
WHAT?? YOU’LL GET ME KILLED!! I GOTTA GET IT BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!
UH...WHERE’S THIS "WASHER"?
IN THE GARAGE.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS A FUNNY LOOKING CAR.

WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR CAP O' IMMORTALITY? IT WASN'T AT THAT USED CLOTHING STORE, WAS IT?
PLEASE... I CANNOT REVEAL THIS, AS IT IS ONE OF THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE, REVEALED TO ONLY THE CHOSEN FEW.
UNTIL THEN, YOU WILL HAVE TO REMAIN A STUPID PIG.
OF COURSE.

WHERE WERE YOU?
JUMPING OFF OUR ROOF.
JUMPING OFF WHAT??
RELAX. I WORE MY CAP O' IMMORTALITY AND THEREFORE, I AM FINE...
...WHICH, UNFORTUNATELY, IS NOT THE CASE FOR OUR NEIGH-BORS SLEEPING CHIHUAHUA.
PEPE??
HE COULDA USED HIS OWN CAP O' IMMORTALITY.

WHERE WERE YOU?
RUNNING BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE HIGHWAY.
WHAT??
RELAX... I WAS WEARING MY CAP O' IMMORTALITY... NOTHING CAN HURT ME.
WHY'S YOUR KNEE BLEEDING?
I TRIPPED ON A SPRINKLER.

WHAT'S ON YOUR HEAD?
MY "CAP O' IMMORTALITY." AS LONG AS I'M WEARING IT, I CANNOT DIE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
I'VE HAD IT ON FOR TEN MINUTES, AND YOU'RE NO ANGEL.
I WOULDN'T BE LOOKING FOR ANGELS.
WELL, NO ONE'S POKED ME WITH A PITCHFORK.

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY HEARING, DOCTOR.
NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR HEARING.
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY T.V.
NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR T.V.
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY V.C.R.
NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR V.C.R.
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THIS VIDEO.
WHAT'S A SILENT MOVIE?

EVERY TIME I'M ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING BAD, I ASK MYSELF, "WHAT WOULD RAT DO?"
BUT THAT'S YOU.
I LIKE TO STICK WITH WHAT I KNOW.

DID YOU KNOW THAT ALLEN GINSBERG WROTE THE FIRST DRAFT OF "HOWL" ON THE BACK OF COCKTAIL NAPKINS?
NO.
THAT'S WHAT I HEARD. THUS, I HAVE PURCHASED A MEGA-SUPPLY OF NAPKINS SO I CAN BECOME A GREAT POET.
OR, AT A MINIMUM, I'LL BE READY FOR A VERY BIG SPILL.

I'M POOR.
THEY SAY A MAN'S WEALTH IS NOT MEASURED BY MONEY, BUT BY THE NUMBER OF GOOD FRIENDS HE'S MADE.
I'M BANKRUPT.

THERE'S SMOKE COMING OUT OF THE ANT HABITAT.
YEAH... THEY LIT UP STOGIES.
WHAT? ANTS ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK, NOT SIT AROUND AND SMOKE... I'M GONNA GO SAY SOMETHING.
... WELL, NO... I DON'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR POKER NIGHT...

I DON'T GET THE APPEAL OF ANT HABITATS.
THEY'RE FUN TO WATCH BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS SO HARD AT WORK.
HEY, FATSO... HOW 'BOUT MOVING THIS THING A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE TV?
WE'RE HAVING A BAD INFLUENCE.
AND TOSS OVER THE CLICKER.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
ONE OF THOSE ANT HABITATS. I JUST BOUGHT IT.
SEE... YOU WATCH ALL THE ANTS RUN AROUND CARRYING FOOD AND DIGGING TUNNELS.
BUT THESE ANTS AREN'T MOVING.
YEAH... THE DEAD ONES WERE ON SALE.

REMEMBER THAT OLD COMMERCIAL WITH THE INDIAN STANDING ON THE HIGHWAY WITH ONE TEAR ROLLING SLOWLY DOWN HIS FACE?
YEAH... THAT COMMERCIAL MADE A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK TWICE ABOUT LITTERING.
LITTERING? WHY DID IT MAKE THEM THINK ABOUT LITTERING?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MADE THE INDIAN CRY.
OH... I THOUGHT SOMEONE RAN OVER HIS DOG.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS MEAN TO THROW TRASH AT A GUY WHO'S JUST LOST HIS DOG.

AND OVER HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS ONE OF THE VERY RARE GUTENBERG BIBLES.
RARE?? HMMMMPH... I SAW ONE OF THOSE IN THE LAST MOTEL I STAYED IN.....
THAT WAS A GIDEON BIBLE YOU SAW.
WHATEVER.

GRASSHOPPER, GRASSHOPPER, FLY AWAY HOME, YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE AND—
HEY, YOU TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT ONLY APPLIED TO LADYBUGS... WHY ARE YOU SCARING A GRASSHOPPER?
HE JUST SEEMED A LITTLE TOO CONTENT.

GRASSHOPPER, GRASSHOPPER, FLY AWAY HOME, YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE AND-
NO, YOU DUMB PIG... THAT ONLY APPLIES TO LADYBUGS.
OH.
....SORRY TO ALARM YOU.

HOW WAS YOUR HERD'S BASKETBALL GAME?
NOT SO GOOD. GEORGE SPRAINED HIS ANKLE.
WELL... ANKLES HEAL.
NOT WHEN THE CHEETAHS ARE IN THE CROWD....
...THEN IT'S FREE ZEBRA NACHOS FOR EVERYONE.

THE PRESERVATION OF NATIVE AMERICAN CULTURE IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE TO ALL OF US...
AS SUCH, WE SHOULD BE MOST GENEROUS IN OUR CONTRIBUTIONS TO SUCH A WORTHY CAUSE.
DID YOU BLOW OUR RENT MONEY AT THE INDIAN CASINO AGAIN?
GOSH... I THINK I'VE BECOME A PHILANTHROPIST.

JOURNAL OF A PIG
by PIG
NO ONE WANTS TO READ A
BOOK BY SOMEONE NAMED
"PIG." YOU'D BETTER USE
A PEN NAME.
JOURNAL OF A
PIG
by BIC

LADYBUG, LADYBUG, FLY AWAY HOME YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE
ALL RIGHT... WHY DON’T YOU JUST STOP RIGHT THERE?
FIRST OFF, I LIVE IN A CONDO, NOT A ‘HOUSE.’ SECOND, I INSTALLED AUTOMATIC SPRINKLERS LAST YEAR. THIRD, MY KIDS ARE AT DAY CARE, OKAY?
FOURTH, IF I MAY BE FRANK, I REALLY DON’T APPRECIATE A DUMPY, OBSCENELY OVERWEIGHT PIG ATTEMPTING IN INFLECT UNNECESSARY STRESS UPON ME.
SO, YOU STUPID PIG, I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MORTON, MY ATTORNEY, WHO WILL NOW SUE YOU FOR INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS.
SUE THE PIG, MORTON.
SUMMONS, PIG... YOU’RE GOING DOWN.
CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A WOOD, AND I--I TOOK THE ONE LESS TRAVELED BY."
BET HIS WIFE YELLED AT HIM.