Pearls Before Swine | Search

LOOK AT THAT GUY SMOKING...
HE THINKS HE'S A CHICK MAGNET 'CAUSE HE WEARS TURTLENECK SWEATERS AND LITTLE SUNGLASSES.
AND LOOK AT THOSE SUPERFICIAL BABES TALKING TO HIM...
LOOOOOOOOOSEEEEEEEERS.
HYPOCRITE.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A DOCUMENTARY ON DA VINCI'S "LAST SUPPER."
POOR GUY. IS HE DIETING?
DA VINCI? HE'S DEAD, PIG.
I GUESS THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT EATING.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

IT'S MY "ADOPT-A-FLY" PROGRAM. I TRY TO FIND HOMES FOR UNWANTED FLIES.

DID YOU PUNCH HOLES IN THAT LID?

I'LL DO IT LATER... I'D HATE TO WAKE THEM UP.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YES. I'M PIG, FOUNDER OF THE "ADOPT-A-FLY" PROGRAM, WHERE I TRY TO FIND GOOD HOMES FOR UNWANTED FLIES.

I'LL KILL ANY FLY THAT GETS IN THIS HOUSE.
YOU MAY NOT MEET OUR ADOPTION GUIDELINES.

EVERYBODY SAYS YOU SHOULDN'T BE JUDGMENTAL, BUT HOW CAN YOU HELP IT WHEN LIFE IS FILLED WITH SO MANY IDIOTS?
THUS, I WILL NOW WEAR A BAG AND EARPLUGS.
WHAT WILL THAT DO?
WELL, IF I CAN'T SEE THE MORONS, I CAN'T JUDGE THE STUPID THINGS THEY DO...
...AND IF I CAN'T HEAR THE MORONS, I CAN'T JUDGE THE STUPID THINGS THEY SAY.
YOU SMELL.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A BOOK ON DINING ETIQUETTE.
IT'S FOR GUYS LIKE ME THAT HAVE TROUBLE RE-MEMBERING SOME OF THE MORE ESOTERIC RULES.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT SO FAR?
"DON'T PUNCH YOUR DINNER GUESTS IN THE HEAD."

DID YOU KNOW THAT FEMALE ELEPHANTS ARE CALLED COWS?
YOU MEAN THOSE THINGS WE GET MILK FROM ARE ACTUALLY ELEPHANTS?
NO. THOSE ARE COWS.
I UNDERSTAND. BUT IT'S STRANGE TO THINK THEY'RE REALLY ELEPHANTS.

MY ZEBRA HERD IS NOW TRYING TO FOOL THE LIONS BY PLAYING DEAD.
DOES IT WORK?
STUDIES SHOW THAT NINETY-NINE OF THE HUNDRED ZEBRAS THAT TRIED IT WERE KILLED BY THE LIONS.
WHY DO THEY KEEP DOING IT?
THEY CAN'T READ.

AND THE AWARD FOR THIS YEAR'S LAZIEST PIG GOES TO... PIG!! C'MON UP, PIG, AND GET YOUR AWARD...
PIG?
ACCEPTING ON BEHALF OF PIG WILL BE RAT...
I AM A FAT, DUMB PIG. THANK YOU AND GOOD- NIGHT.
ONE SHOULD NEVER SNUB THE WALLIES.

WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO THE FIRST ANNUAL VALLIES, AN AWARD SHOW DEDICATED TO VALIDATING MY OPINIONS.
I'M WATCHING TV.
OUR FIRST AWARD TONIGHT IS FOR THIS YEAR'S WITTIEST RAT... AND THE NOMINEES ARE...... RAT... AND PIG.
PSSST... THIS PROBABLY WON'T BE YOUR YEAR.

ARE YOU GOING TO THE WALLIES TONIGHT?
WHAT ARE THE WALLIES?
AN AWARD SHOW STARTED BY ME TO VALIDATE ALL OF MY OPINIONS.
OH, GREAT.
IF IT'S ANY INCENTIVE, YOU'RE UP FOR FATTEST PIG.

WHO ARE ALL THESE GUYS?
STUPID PEOPLE. I'VE TAKEN IT UPON MYSELF TO FILTER THEM OUT OF SOCIETY AND PUT THEM HERE, OUT OF HARM'S WAY.
YEAH, I'M DIRK. I RECLINE MY AIRPLANE SEAT ALL THE WAY BACK AND CRUSH THE KNEES OF WHOEVER SITS BEHIND ME.
I'M MYRNA. I OBVIOUSLY BLOCK A WHOLE SUPERMARKET AISLE WITH MY SHOPPING CART WHILE LOOKING FOR MY FAVORITE CAKE MIX.
AND I'M FRED. I MAKE UNNECESSARY PERSONAL CALLS ON MY CELL PHONE WHILE IN PUBLIC PLACES.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS RIGHT. I PREFER TO BELIEVE IN THE FUNDAMENTAL GOODNESS OF ALL PEOPLE.
DUDE...SO THE PIG'S LIKE "NO WAY, DUDE, I DON'T WANT TO GO IN THAT BOX" AND THE RAT'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU'RE GOING IN THE BOX."

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
"THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE."
NOT A LOT OF SUSPENSE WITH THAT ONE.

DEAR FIDEL CASTRO, HOW COME YOU WEAR THAT SAME GREEN UNIFORM ALL THE TIME? IT LOOKS KIND OF DUMB.
YOU STUPID PIG. WHY DO YOU BOTHER WRITING LETTERS LIKE THAT? NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK.......
.

YOU SAID THIS WAS BARRY BONDS' 74TH HOME-RUN BALL FROM LAST SEASON, BUT GOAT SAYS HE DIDN'T HIT 74, SO I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
GOSH...I THINK GOAT'S RIGHT... THIS APPEARS TO BE THE 75TH HOME-RUN BALL...I'M GONNA HAVE TO CHARGE YOU A LOT MORE MONEY.
DO YOU TAKE CHECKS?

I JUST PAID RAT THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR BARRY BONDS' 74TH HOME-RUN BALL FROM LAST SEASON.
BONDS DIDN'T HIT 74.
WANNA PLAY CATCH?

I HEARD YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS HAVE A NEW WAY TO ESCAPE THE LIONS.
YEAH… WE COAT OURSELVES WITH LOTION AND TRY TO SLIP FROM THEIR GRASP.
DOES IT WORK?
NO. BUT WE DIE WITH SILKY SMOOTH SKIN.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO IF I'M EVER CHOKING?
NO.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PERFORM THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER.
I'M NO GOOD AT DANCING.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING, ZEBRA.
I HAD ALL MY FRUIT BUDDIES GATHERED TOGETHER, AND THEN ONE FRUIT SHAKE WIPED THEM ALL OUT...
…NOW IT'S JUST ME AND MY POTATO FRIENDS.
I'M SO SORRY, PIG...LET SOME TIME PASS AND LET YOURSELF HEAL...MAYBE ONE DAY, YOU CAN FORM A "POTATO BUDDIES" GROUP.
...LIFE DOES GO ON, MY FRIEND.
THANKS, ZEBRA...THAT KINDA GIVES ME SOMETHING TO HOPE FOR.
MMMMMMMMMM...HOMEMADE FRENCH FRIES....

LEADING OFF TONIGHT'S NEWS, FINAL HOLDOUTS JOHN AND BETTY BUTTERWEED OF PEORIA, ILLINOIS, BOUGHT AN S.U.V. AND RENTED A JIM CARREY VIDEO TODAY....
SO, IT IS NOW OFFICIAL..... EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN FAMILY IS LEADING THE EXACT SAME LIFE.
IN OTHER NEWS, SCIENTISTS TODAY DECLARED ALL GENETIC CLONING MOOT...

HEY, WHERE'S THE FRUIT I LEFT ON THE COUNTER? IT'S TIME FOR OUR "FRUIT BUDDIES" MEETING.
MMMMMMM...FRUIT SHAKE...SLUUUUUUUURP....

Fellow "Fruit Buddies", I'm going to ask that you make Petey Potato feel welcome in our little group.
*cough* *cough* Freak! *cough* *cough*
*cough* *cough* Mushrooms *cough* Potato Salad *cough* *cough*
Sigh.

FELLOW "FRUIT BUDDIES," OUR MEMBERSHIP HAS DWINDLED SEVERELY... IF OUR CLUB IS TO SURVIVE, WE WILL HAVE TO START ACCEPTING POTATOES INTO THE BROTHERHOOD.
WALK-OUTS ARE VERY ANNOYING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE CRISPER, PIG?
"FRUIT BUDDIES" MEETING. CLOSE THE DOOR, PLEASE.
FINE... LEMME JUST GRAB AN ORANGE FIRST.
IS GOD MAD AT US, BROTHER PIG?
OURS IS NOT TO QUESTION WHY, BROTHER BANANA.
THERE GOES OUR QUORUM.

THAT DUMB PIG IS HAVING ANOTHER "FRUIT BUDDIES" MEETING TODAY.
IS THAT WHERE HE SITS AND TALKS WITH ALL THE FRUIT?
YEP... BUT EVER SINCE I ATE "GEORGIE GRAPE," THEY'VE BEEN MORE SECRETIVE ABOUT THE LOCATION OF THE MEETING.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PIG, GET YOUR BIG BUTT OUT OF THE CRISPER!!
POINT OF ORDER!! POINT OF ORDER!!