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The Adventures of Angry Bob Volume I
Angry Bob was angry. Very, very angry. He went to the Waffle Barn and ordered two waffles but they did not make him happy.
He went to the park. It was sunny. He sat on the warm grass and took off his shoes and smoked a cigarette.
It felt good.
He spotted the hot dog stand. "I will buy a hot dog and a lemonade and read a book," he said. "Then I will be happy."
Bob ate his hot dog and drank his lemonade. He put on his glasses and began to read his book. The happiness that had eluded Angry Bob for 33 years was finally his.
A Frisbee smashed into Bob's face. Bob choked on the hot dog and died.
THERE'S A LESSON IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

I JOINED A GYM.
IT'S ABOUT TIME... WHAT EXERCISES DO YOU DO?
LATELY, I'VE BEEN GETTING UP ON THE TREADMILL.
HOW FAST DO YOU GO?
NOT VERY... I DON'T TURN IT ON.

I INTERVIEWED TODAY FOR A SPOT IN THE POLICE ACADEMY BUT I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GONNA TAKE ME.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE THEY ASKED ME WHY I WANTED TO BE A COP AND I THINK I GAVE A WRONG ANSWER.
I'M SURE THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS.
I LIKE TO BEAT PEOPLE UP.

I LOVE THE FORTUNE COOKIES I GET HERE... LISTEN TO THIS... "OPPORTUNITY WILL KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR"... HEH HEH HEH....
READ YOURS.
"OPPORTUNITY WILL DOORBELL DITCH YOU, YOU STUPID PIG."
OPPORTUNITY MOCKS.

DEAR GOD,
PLEASE DON'T LET
ANY CHILD EVER
LOSE A MOM OR
DAD AGAIN.

IN A STRANGE RITUAL, THE ZEBRA CLOSES HIS EYES AND SWAYS HIS HEAD FROM SIDE TO SIDE.....
...WHEN THE LION POUNCES, THE ZEBRA IS CAUGHT COMPLETELY UNAWARE.
ZEBRAS SHOULD NEVER WEAR WALKMANS.

I'M TIRED OF BEING A LOSER. I'M GONNA FORM A CLUB. IF YOU'RE IN A CLUB, PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE COOL.
WHAT WILL YOU CALL IT?
I DUNNO... HOW ABOUT "SUPER TERRIFIC DUDES"?
GOOD, BUT REALLY COOL CLUBS USE AN ACRONYM.
THAT'S RIGHT, LADIES... I'M AN S.T.D.

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN TELL HOW LONG A COUPLE HAS BEEN TOGETHER BY HOW THEY ACT WITH EACH OTHER
IT'S TRUE FOR EXAMPLE THOSE TWO OVER THERE ARE NEWLYWEDS SEE THEY'RE ALL LOVING AND ROMANTIC TOUCHING AND HOLDING HANDS
AND THOSE TWO OVER THERE HAVE BEEN MARRIED ABOUT A YEAR YOU CAN TELL BY HOW THEY'RE STILL TALKING TO EACH OTHER
AND THAT COUPLE THERE HAS BEEN TOGETHER TEN YEARS THEY NO LONGER EVEN FIGHT BECAUSE THERE'S SOME SORT OF INTERACTION WHICH BY NOW THEY AVOID ENTIRELY
OH AND THEN THERE'S THESE GUYS OVER HERE THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER FIFTY YEARS
COUPLE I JUST SEE SOME GUY EATING BY HIMSELF
THAT'S RIGHT

BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...
BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...
YOU'RE A PIG, NOT A DELIVERY TRUCK.
ONE CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE BACKING UP.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
A STUPID CHAIN LETTER. IT SAYS I'LL DIE IF I DON'T FORWARD THIS TO FIVE HUNDRED PEOPLE.
WHY DO THEY BOTHER?? IT'S NOT LIKE SOME MORON IS GONNA BELIEVE THEM AND SEND OUT FIVE HUNDRED STUPID LETTERS.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

I GOT CALLED FOR JURY DUTY.
DID THEY ASSIGN YOU TO A CASE YET?
NO. YOU HAVE TO MEET ALL THESE RIDICULOUSLY RIGID QUALIFICATIONS.
...AND AS A JUROR, COULD YOU BE FAIR AND IMPARTIAL?
SURE...
IF THE PRICE IS RIGHT.
NEXT.

I HERD YOUR
ZEBRA HERD HAS
STARTED A
"JOKES FOR LIFE"
PROGRAM.
YEAH. WE GO
TO THE
CROCODILES
AND TELL
THEM JOKES.
WE BELIEVE THAT INTRODUCING
HUMOR INTO THEIR LIVES MAY
MAKE THEM MORE CIVILIZED
AND LESS LIKELY TO KILL US.
WHAT ZEBRA SAY BEFORE I
EAT HIM?
WHAT ZEBRA SAY?
WHO CARE?
HE TASTE SO GUD.
HAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHA

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET THE BATHROOM DOOR FIXED? IT'S STILL STICKING.
BUT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CONSTRUCTION.
WHAT'S THERE TO KNOW? JUST PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL A FIX-IT GUY.
SO WHAT WILL THIS ENTIRELY NEW FOUNDATION COST?
NO WAY TO TELL… JUST SIGN BELOW.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF YOU ARE GIVEN SOMETHING POSTHUMOUSLY?
I THINK IT MEANS THEY KICK YOU IN THE REAR.
THAT'S "POSTERIOR"... "POSTHUMOUS" IS AFTER YOU DIE.
I'D HATE TO GET KICKED IN THE REAR AFTER I DIE.

I'M GOING INTO THE SPORTING GOODS INDUSTRY.
I FOND A MARKET NEED. SEE... ANYONE THAT WANTS TO PLAY FOOTBALL HAS ONLY ONE CHOICE TO USE THIS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
BOOOORING... PEOPLE WANT VARIETY IN THEIR FOOTBALLS... THUS, I'VE INVENTED THIS...
IT'S THE "BIG, THE ANGRY SMOKER FOOTBALL" ... THE CIGARETTE IS OPTIONAL, OF COURSE.
HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH THAT??
WELL, SPIRALS MAY BE HARD, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, I'D BE FINE.
WANNA TOSS IT AROUND?
SURE.
IGOT IT IGOT IT
NUTS.. IT GOT STUCK IN THAT TREE.
THAT'S OKAY. WE'LL GET IT TOMORROW

I'M THINKING ABOUT BUYING A CHASE LOUNGE.
HEH HEH... THAT'S STUPID.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
'CAUSE WHEN I WANT TO RELAX, I DON'T WANT ANYONE RUNNING AFTER ME.
"CHAISE" . . . .
C-H-A-I-S-E.
I KNOW HOW TO SPELL IT, THANK YOU.

RAT, MY FATHER SAYS I HAVE TO STOP SEEING YOU.
BUT FARINA, YOU’RE THE ONLY BUBBLE GIRL I’VE EVER LOVED.
I’M SO SORRY... PLEASE DON’T MAKE IT HARDER. LISTEN, I LEFT YOU A LITTLE GIFT TO REMIND YOU OF ME. I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, RAT...

MY FATHER WON'T WANT US TO GET MARRIED. HE DOESN'T APPROVE OF MIXED MARRIAGES.
MIXED MARRIAGES?
YES...I'M A BUBBLE GIRL AND YOU'RE NOT A BUBBLE BOY.
BEER, SON?
SURE, POPS...JUST POUR IT THROUGH THE HOLE.

FARINA, IF WE GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN, WILL THEY BE BUBBLE KIDS OR REGULAR KIDS?
BUBBLE KIDS, OF COURSE.
GOOD. I'VE NEVER BEEN MUCH OF A HUGGER.

WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH, FARINA?
I'D LOVE TO...
ISN'T IT LOVELY? THE SAND...
THE SURF... THE...
...FARINA????

FARINA, I THINK I'M STARTING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
WHY IS THAT?
WELL, NORMALLY I HAVE TROUBLE WITH RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE I ALWAYS LIKE TO KEEP A LITTLE EMOTIONAL DISTANCE. BUT WITH YOU IN THE BUBBLE, IT'S PERFECT.
FARINA... CAN I TOUCH YOUR BUBBLE??
LET'S WAIT... IT'LL BE MORE SPECIAL.

WHAT HAPPENED TO PIG?
HE GOT HIT BY THE ICE CREAM TRUCK HAPPENS EVERY SUNDAY.
EVERY SUNDAY? WHY?
WHEN HE HEARS THAT ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC, HE JUST GOES NUTS AND CHARGES INTO THE STREET.
DOESN'T THE DRIVER STOP?
NO, HE USED TO, BUT IT TOOK A REAL TOLL ON HIS BRAKES.
SO NOW HE JUST HITS HIM AND TOSSES OUT A PINT FOR WHEN HE WAKES UP.
WHERE'S THE FUDGE POP?
IT GETS STOLEN BY ROLAND, THE FAT KID DOWN THE BLOCK.
DUMB PIG.
SO WHY'S THAT STUPID PIG KEEP DOING IT?
BECAUSE WHEN HE WAKES UP, I TELL HIM HE WON THE SUPER BOWL.
OOOOOOHHHHHHHH... HIS HEAD HURTS.
WE'RE NUMBER ONE!! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!!
I'M STILL HUNGRY!

I THINK I'M GONNA START WRITING THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A BIG HOLLYWOOD STAR.
YOU CAN'T... AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY CAN ONLY BE WRITTEN BY THE PERSON WHOSE LIFE IS THE SUBJECT OF THE BOOK. UNLESS THEY WANT HELP FROM A GHOST WRITER.
KATHARINE HEPBURN'S HOUSE WAS HAUNTED...
VERY HAUNTED...

FARINA, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO A DRIVE-THRU MOVIE WITH ME?
I CAN'T... I DON'T FIT IN THE CAR.
I'M SURE WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT.
HOW'S YOUR POPCORN?

THANKS FOR PUSHING ME UP THIS HILL, RAT.
SURE, FARINA. I REALLY WANTED YOU TO SEE THE VIEW.
YOU SURE ARE QUIET TONIGHT.