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WHAT HAPPENED TO PIG?
HE GOT HIT BY THE ICE CREAM TRUCK HAPPENS EVERY SUNDAY.
EVERY SUNDAY? WHY?
WHEN HE HEARS THAT ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC, HE JUST GOES NUTS AND CHARGES INTO THE STREET.
DOESN'T THE DRIVER STOP?
NO, HE USED TO, BUT IT TOOK A REAL TOLL ON HIS BRAKES.
SO NOW HE JUST HITS HIM AND TOSSES OUT A PINT FOR WHEN HE WAKES UP.
WHERE'S THE FUDGE POP?
IT GETS STOLEN BY ROLAND, THE FAT KID DOWN THE BLOCK.
DUMB PIG.
SO WHY'S THAT STUPID PIG KEEP DOING IT?
BECAUSE WHEN HE WAKES UP, I TELL HIM HE WON THE SUPER BOWL.
OOOOOOHHHHHHHH... HIS HEAD HURTS.
WE'RE NUMBER ONE!! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!!
I'M STILL HUNGRY!

I THINK I'M GONNA START WRITING THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A BIG HOLLYWOOD STAR.
YOU CAN'T... AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY CAN ONLY BE WRITTEN BY THE PERSON WHOSE LIFE IS THE SUBJECT OF THE BOOK. UNLESS THEY WANT HELP FROM A GHOST WRITER.
KATHARINE HEPBURN'S HOUSE WAS HAUNTED...
VERY HAUNTED...

FARINA, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO A DRIVE-THRU MOVIE WITH ME?
I CAN'T... I DON'T FIT IN THE CAR.
I'M SURE WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT.
HOW'S YOUR POPCORN?

THANKS FOR PUSHING ME UP THIS HILL, RAT.
SURE, FARINA. I REALLY WANTED YOU TO SEE THE VIEW.
YOU SURE ARE QUIET TONIGHT.

GOSH, FARINA, HOW DO YOU LIVE IN THERE?
PLEASE DON'T GET SO CLOSE TO THE AIR FILTER HOLE.
OH, DON'T BE SO
AAAACHOOO!!!!!
HEY, SORRY THERE.

FARINA, COULD YOU PLEASE PASS THE POTATOES ?
I GUESS I CAN GET THEM MYSELF.

MY SISTER FARINA IS COMING OVER.
THE ONE THAT'S SO PARANOID ABOUT GERMS SHE WORE GLOVES TO OUR HOUSE?
YEAH... AND APPARENTLY, SHE'S WEIRDER ABOUT IT THAN EVER.
IT DOESN'T GET MUCH WEIRDER THAN THAT.
HI.

HI, PIGTA. IT'S ME, PIGITA.
HI, PIGTA.
PIG, I'VE BEEN THINKING... WE'VE BEEN DATING A FEW WEEKS AND I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MAKE A COMMITMENT.
INSTINCT PROPELS THE SALMON BACK TO THE RIVER.
IF YOU'RE NOT READY, WE'RE FINISHED.
THE SALMON STRUGGLES UPSTREAM. DANGER LURKS AT EVER TURN.
I WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY.
THE SALMON REACHES THE SPAWNING GROUND AND FULFILLS HIS APPOINTED TASK.
SO WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER?
HIS DUTY DONE, THE SALMON DIES A LONELY DEATH.
PIG??
PIG WHO?
* CLICK *

I JUST READ SOME OF WALT WHITMAN'S "LEAVES OF GRASS."
HOW WAS IT?
BAD. IT CONVINCED ME THAT POETRY IS A SHAM, LIKE PRO WRESTLING OR DIET PLANS THAT LET YOU EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.
SO THAT'S WHY I'M STILL FAT.

WHAT'S A BLACK HOLE?
A SPOT IN THE UNI-VERSE THAT IS SO DENSE THAT NOT EVEN LIGHT CAN ESCAPE.
HI, GUYS.

HOW WAS THE DRIVING RANGE?
NOT GOOD... I THINK I KILLED A GUY WITH ONE OF MY SHOTS.
YOU WHAT...??
OH, RELAX... I GAVE HIM PLENTY OF WARNING.
FORE.

I'LL HAVE THE SOUP DU JOUR.
FINE. SOUP OF THE DAY FOR YOU.
OH, NO... I DON'T WANT THE SOUP OF THE DAY.
THE SOUP OF THE DAY IS THE SOUP DU JOUR.
OH, GREAT... I THOUGHT IT WAS THAT LOUSY CLAM CHOWDER.
IT IS.
OH... GEEZ... THEN JUST GIVE ME THE SOUP DU JOUR.

HERE ARE YOUR FRIED WONTONS, GENTLEMEN.
HEY BABY... HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE ACTION ?
SURE THING, SWEETIE... MY PLATE OR YOURS ?
I CAN'T STAND WANTON WONTONS.

MY ZEBRA HERD HELD A "TUPPERWARE" PARTY TO TRY AND TAKE THEIR MINDS OFF THE LIONS.
HOW'D IT GO?
BAD... THE LIONS CRASHED IT AND FEASTED ON ALL THE ZEBRAS.
WELL AT LEAST THEY HAD SOMEWHERE TO PUT THEIR LEFTOVERS.

A FOOTBALL GAME.
DID JOHN REMEMBER HIS WATCH?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU DUMB PIG?
IN EVERY GAME I SEE, THERE'S ALWAYS THIS GUY NAMED JOHN WHO FORGETS HIS WATCH...SO SOME BUDDY OF HIS HAS TO TELL HIM WHAT TIME IT IS.
SO THE BUDDY HOLDS UP THIS BIG SIGN THAT SAYS, "JOHN 3:16."
OH, GREAT...NOW LUKE FORGOT HIS WATCH.

WHAT ARE YOU READING ?
IT'S A MYSTERY.
HAVE YOU CHECKED THE TITLE PAGE ?

THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD IS MAD AT PIG.
WHY?
'CAUSE HE TRIED TO REPLACE HIS STOLEN NATIVITY SCENE LAWN FIGURINES WITH ANYTHING HE COULD FIND.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
TELL MY KID.. NO!!
NO, BILLY, JESUS' PARENTS WERE NOT FLAMINGOS.

HOW'S PIG'S SEARCH GOING FOR THE STOLEN NATIVITY SCENE FIGURINES?
BAD... HE'S HAVING A REAL HARD TIME COMMUNICATING WITH THE NEIGHBORS.
I SAID I'M LOOKING FOR JESUS.
HAVE YOU TRIED GOING TO CHURCH?
NO, I TRUST THE PRIEST.

WHERE IS PIG?
GOING DOOR-TO-DOOR LOOKING FOR HIS STOLEN NATIVITY SCENE FIGURINES.
ANY PROGRESS?
NO, I THINK THERE'S A COMMUNICATION PROBLEM.
HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?
SLAM!!!

WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?

SOMEONE STOLE SOME OF THE GUYS FROM MY NATIVITY SCENE ON THE FRONT LAWN.

WHO DID THEY TAKE?

JESUS, MARY, JOSEPH AND THE WISE MEN... ALL THAT’S LEFT IS A SHEEP, A DONKEY, AND A COW.

WELL, IT MAKES A NICE PETTING ZOO.

WHY IS PIG SETTING UP HIS NATIVITY SCENE ON YOUR FRONT LAWN IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER?
BECAUSE HE WANTS TO RUN THROUGH THE SPRINKLERS.
SEE...ONLY LOSERS RUN THROUGH SPRINKLERS ALONE. AT LEAST THIS WAY, HE THINKS HE CAN FOOL THE NEIGHBORS INTO BELIEVING HE HAS FRIENDS.
...AND THAT'S MY BUDDY, THE BABY JESUS. HE'S REAL QUIET, BUT THAT'S OKAY, ‘CAUSE WE GO WAAAAAAAAY BACK.

I'M SO SORRY, PIG.
I AM TOO, RAT.
I'M AFRAID THAT NOTHING CAN HELP YOU NOW.
I KNOW...I'LL TRY TO BE BRAVE.
OH, PIG, I..I..
I LOVE YOU, MAN!
I LOVE YOU TOO.
- I SAID DO I LOOK FATTER IN THE RED DRESS OR THE BLUE?

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT AFTER YOU DIE, YOU RETURN TO LIFE IN A FORM BEFITTING THE TYPE OF LIFE YOU PRE -
VIOUSLY LED.
I MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY BAD.

THAT STUPID PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL CANCELED MY TALK SHOW AND REPLACED IT WITH SOME INSTRUCTIONAL SHOW ON CHEERLEADING?
CHEERLEADING?
YEAH, CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? AS IF SOME MORON'S GONNA SIT IN HIS LIVING ROOM AND LEARN TO BE A CHEERLEADER.
PUSH 'EM BACK!! PUSH 'EM BACK!! WAAAAAAAY BACK!!

RAT, THE TALK SHOW HOST
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE'LL HAVE LEGENDARY CROONER, BING CROSBY.
psst psst psst psst
FOLKS, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.