Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHERE WERE YOU?
JUMPING OFF OUR ROOF.
JUMPING OFF WHAT??
RELAX. I WORE MY CAP O' IMMORTALITY AND THEREFORE, I AM FINE...
...WHICH, UNFORTUNATELY, IS NOT THE CASE FOR OUR NEIGH-BORS SLEEPING CHIHUAHUA.
PEPE??
HE COULDA USED HIS OWN CAP O' IMMORTALITY.

WHERE WERE YOU?
RUNNING BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE HIGHWAY.
WHAT??
RELAX... I WAS WEARING MY CAP O' IMMORTALITY... NOTHING CAN HURT ME.
WHY'S YOUR KNEE BLEEDING?
I TRIPPED ON A SPRINKLER.

WHAT'S ON YOUR HEAD?
MY "CAP O' IMMORTALITY." AS LONG AS I'M WEARING IT, I CANNOT DIE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
I'VE HAD IT ON FOR TEN MINUTES, AND YOU'RE NO ANGEL.
I WOULDN'T BE LOOKING FOR ANGELS.
WELL, NO ONE'S POKED ME WITH A PITCHFORK.

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY HEARING, DOCTOR.
NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR HEARING.
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY T.V.
NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR T.V.
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY V.C.R.
NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR V.C.R.
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THIS VIDEO.
WHAT'S A SILENT MOVIE?

EVERY TIME I'M ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING BAD, I ASK MYSELF, "WHAT WOULD RAT DO?"
BUT THAT'S YOU.
I LIKE TO STICK WITH WHAT I KNOW.

DID YOU KNOW THAT ALLEN GINSBERG WROTE THE FIRST DRAFT OF "HOWL" ON THE BACK OF COCKTAIL NAPKINS?
NO.
THAT'S WHAT I HEARD. THUS, I HAVE PURCHASED A MEGA-SUPPLY OF NAPKINS SO I CAN BECOME A GREAT POET.
OR, AT A MINIMUM, I'LL BE READY FOR A VERY BIG SPILL.

I'M POOR.
THEY SAY A MAN'S WEALTH IS NOT MEASURED BY MONEY, BUT BY THE NUMBER OF GOOD FRIENDS HE'S MADE.
I'M BANKRUPT.

THERE'S SMOKE COMING OUT OF THE ANT HABITAT.
YEAH... THEY LIT UP STOGIES.
WHAT? ANTS ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK, NOT SIT AROUND AND SMOKE... I'M GONNA GO SAY SOMETHING.
... WELL, NO... I DON'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR POKER NIGHT...

I DON'T GET THE APPEAL OF ANT HABITATS.
THEY'RE FUN TO WATCH BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS SO HARD AT WORK.
HEY, FATSO... HOW 'BOUT MOVING THIS THING A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE TV?
WE'RE HAVING A BAD INFLUENCE.
AND TOSS OVER THE CLICKER.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
ONE OF THOSE ANT HABITATS. I JUST BOUGHT IT.
SEE... YOU WATCH ALL THE ANTS RUN AROUND CARRYING FOOD AND DIGGING TUNNELS.
BUT THESE ANTS AREN'T MOVING.
YEAH... THE DEAD ONES WERE ON SALE.

REMEMBER THAT OLD COMMERCIAL WITH THE INDIAN STANDING ON THE HIGHWAY WITH ONE TEAR ROLLING SLOWLY DOWN HIS FACE?
YEAH... THAT COMMERCIAL MADE A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK TWICE ABOUT LITTERING.
LITTERING? WHY DID IT MAKE THEM THINK ABOUT LITTERING?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MADE THE INDIAN CRY.
OH... I THOUGHT SOMEONE RAN OVER HIS DOG.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS MEAN TO THROW TRASH AT A GUY WHO'S JUST LOST HIS DOG.

AND OVER HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS ONE OF THE VERY RARE GUTENBERG BIBLES.
RARE?? HMMMMPH... I SAW ONE OF THOSE IN THE LAST MOTEL I STAYED IN.....
THAT WAS A GIDEON BIBLE YOU SAW.
WHATEVER.

GRASSHOPPER, GRASSHOPPER, FLY AWAY HOME, YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE AND—
HEY, YOU TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT ONLY APPLIED TO LADYBUGS... WHY ARE YOU SCARING A GRASSHOPPER?
HE JUST SEEMED A LITTLE TOO CONTENT.

GRASSHOPPER, GRASSHOPPER, FLY AWAY HOME, YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE AND-
NO, YOU DUMB PIG... THAT ONLY APPLIES TO LADYBUGS.
OH.
....SORRY TO ALARM YOU.

HOW WAS YOUR HERD'S BASKETBALL GAME?
NOT SO GOOD. GEORGE SPRAINED HIS ANKLE.
WELL... ANKLES HEAL.
NOT WHEN THE CHEETAHS ARE IN THE CROWD....
...THEN IT'S FREE ZEBRA NACHOS FOR EVERYONE.

THE PRESERVATION OF NATIVE AMERICAN CULTURE IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE TO ALL OF US...
AS SUCH, WE SHOULD BE MOST GENEROUS IN OUR CONTRIBUTIONS TO SUCH A WORTHY CAUSE.
DID YOU BLOW OUR RENT MONEY AT THE INDIAN CASINO AGAIN?
GOSH... I THINK I'VE BECOME A PHILANTHROPIST.

JOURNAL OF A PIG
by PIG
NO ONE WANTS TO READ A
BOOK BY SOMEONE NAMED
"PIG." YOU'D BETTER USE
A PEN NAME.
JOURNAL OF A
PIG
by BIC

LADYBUG, LADYBUG, FLY AWAY HOME YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE
ALL RIGHT... WHY DON’T YOU JUST STOP RIGHT THERE?
FIRST OFF, I LIVE IN A CONDO, NOT A ‘HOUSE.’ SECOND, I INSTALLED AUTOMATIC SPRINKLERS LAST YEAR. THIRD, MY KIDS ARE AT DAY CARE, OKAY?
FOURTH, IF I MAY BE FRANK, I REALLY DON’T APPRECIATE A DUMPY, OBSCENELY OVERWEIGHT PIG ATTEMPTING IN INFLECT UNNECESSARY STRESS UPON ME.
SO, YOU STUPID PIG, I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MORTON, MY ATTORNEY, WHO WILL NOW SUE YOU FOR INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS.
SUE THE PIG, MORTON.
SUMMONS, PIG... YOU’RE GOING DOWN.
CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A WOOD, AND I--I TOOK THE ONE LESS TRAVELED BY."
BET HIS WIFE YELLED AT HIM.

THE AMERICAN DREAM HAS COME TRUE... THERE IS NOW A VIDEO STORE ON EVERY BLOCK.
THAT'S ODD... I NEVER KNEW THAT WAS THE DREAM.
WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.
I FEEL A STRANGE SENSE OF EMPTINESS.
TIME TO RENT A VIDEO.

I HAVE FOUNDED A NEW PHILOSOPHY. IT'S CALLED CHEEZEPUFFOLOGY.
WHAT IS IT?
THE FUNDAMENTAL TENET IS
THAT NOTHING YOU DREAM
EVER COMES TRUE, SO YOU
MIGHT AS WELL LIVE IN FRONT
OF YOUR TV AND SCARF
CHEEZE-PUFFS.
HOW WILL ONE RECOGNIZE A CHEEZEPUFFOLOGIST?
WE'LL BE THE FAT
GUYS WITH THE
ORANGE FINGERS.

WHEN LIONS EAT ZEBRAS, DO THEY EAT EVERY BIT OF YOU?
NO, THEY LEAVE SOME FOR THE HYENAS, WHO LEAVE SOME FOR THE VULTURES.
IT MUST BE NICE TO SEE EVERYONE SHARING LIKE THAT.

YOU SURE SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THOSE ONLINE AUCTION SITES... WHAT ARE YOU BUYING?
A WHOLE PIG... FOR JUST FIVE BUCKS.
WOW. THINK OF ALL THAT BACON.
YOU SURE SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THOSE ONLINE AUCTION SITES... WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?
NOTHING.

DEAR JESSE JACKSON,
EVERY TIME YOU SPEAK,
YOU SAY, "KEEP HOPE
ALIVE."
WHO IS THIS "HOPE" GUY,
AND HOW SICK IS HE?
BOB HOPE, YOU DUMB PIG.
OH, HE'S FUNNY... I
HOPE HE MAKES IT.

....AND ANOTHER THING, YOU DUMB PIG....
FLOP!
ROLL
ROLL
ROLL
ROLL ROLL
THAT PILLBUG TRICK DOESN'T WORK FOR PIGS.
*SIGH.*