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RAT, THE TALK SHOW HOST
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS MYRA HERTZ. SO, MYRA, WHAT'S YOUR LATEST FILM PROJECT?
NONE. I'M A WAITRESS AT "WAFFLE BARN." AND YOU KNOW THAT.
LET'S GIVE A BIG SHOUT-OUT TO WAFFLES.

I'M STARTING MY OWN CELEBRITY TALK SHOW ON THE PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL.
WILL YOU HAVE GUESTS?
OF COURSE I'LL HAVE GUESTS... MAYBE NOT THE BIGGEST STARS AT FIRST, BUT I'LL WORK MY WAY UP TO IT.....
SO, FRED, DO YOU ENJOY BEING MY GARBAGEMAN?

AND SO THE CROSSING GUARD LOOKS AT ME LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF PSYCHO AND SAYS, "YOU'LL STOP YOUR CAR WHEN I SAY SO."
SO I ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND YELL AT THE GUY, "LISTEN, MISTER, THIS IS JUST HOW THEM NAZIS IN CANADA GOT THEIR START."
GERMANY. AND I DON'T THINK THEY GOT THEIR START BEING SCHOOL CROSSING GUARDS.
SHOULDA SEEN THE LOOK ON THAT IDIOT'S FACE.

PIG SHOULD STOP GOING OUT WITH MOODY PIGITA.
HER MOOD SWINGS WILL DRIVE HIM NUTS.
I THINK HE'S FOUND A WAY TO CONTROL THE PROBLEM BY MAKING THEIR DINNER DATES A LITTLE SHORTER.
VROOM
SCREEEECH
RUN RUN RUN RUN
C'MON...
C'MON...
HUR!!
SMACK!!
HONK HONK!!
LOVE YOU, BABE!!
VROOM VROOM
VROOOOM
VROOOOOO...
MMMMMM...
CHINESE FOOD...

DID YOU ENJOY THE FIRST-EVER CONVENTION OF UNTHINKOLOGYS?
WHAT? I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
IT WAS IN OUR LIVING ROOM LAST NIGHT.
BUT THERE WAS NO ONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM.
HEY, IF YOU CAN'T THINK, YOU SURELY CAN'T REMEMBER TO ATTEND A STUPID CONVENTION.
I WASN'T THINKING.
GET YOUR OWN CLUB.

THE LANDLORD CAME BY TODAY AND ASKED WHY I HADN'T PAID THE RENT.
I TOLD HIM I WAS NOW AN UNTHINKOLOGIST, MEANING I NO LONGER THOUGHT ABOUT ANYTHING, INCLUDING THE RENT.
WHAT'D HE SAY?
THAT HE, TOO, ENJOYS PHILOSOPHY.
NO, I CAN'T SAY I'VE EVER HEARD OF UNTHINKOLOGY...

I HAVE FOUNDED A NEW PHILOSOPHY...
"UNTHINKOLOGY"
WHAT IS IT?
THE BELIEF THAT THINKING CAUSES PAIN... HENCE, ONE MUST CEASE ALL THINKING.
HOW WILL ONE RECOGNIZE AN UNTHINKOLOGIST?
WE'LL BE THE GIDDY GUYS RUNNING INTO WALLS.

THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO STOP THINKING.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
WELL, IF YOU CAN'T THINK, YOU CAN'T WORRY ABOUT THE PAST, OR DREAD THE FUTURE...
YOU CAN'T TIE YOUR SHOES EITHER.
I'LL WEAR SANDALS.

I WOULD LOVE YOU A LOT MORE, PIGITA, IF YOU COULD JUST CONTROL YOUR MOOD SWINGS.
YOU ALWAYS EXAGGERATE, PIGGY WIGGY... CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY KNOWING I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
I GUESS...
...WHICH WON'T BE LONG 'CAUSE NOW YOU'VE MADE ME MAD AND I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD REPEATEDLY.
OH MY.

I HEARD YOU WENT ON A DATE LAST NIGHT.
YEAH... HER NAME IS PIGITA, BUT EVERYONE CALLS HER "MOODY."
WHY IS THAT?
I LOVE YOU, PIGGY WIGGY.
WELL, I LOVE --
I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR BIG FAT FACE.
CHECK, PLEASE.

CAN I HELP YOU, MATE?
HI. I'M PIG. I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR.
I HEARD YOU JUST MOVED HERE FROM AUSTRALIA.
THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, I DID SOME RESEARCH AND FOUND OUT THAT ALTHOUGH IT'S SUMMER HERE, IT'S WINTER FOR YOU... KNOWING THAT, I THOUGHT I'D DRESS APPROPRIATELY.
BUT I'VE GOTTA SAY. IT'S KINDA STRANGE TO SEE YOU WEARING JUST A T-SHIRT... YOU MUST BE REALLY COLD.
SLAM!!!!
I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS.

WHAT I THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME WHEN I DIE
GEE, THAT'S A PRETTY HEAVY TOPIC TO WRITE ABOUT. WHAT DID YOU CONCLUDE HAPPENS? SALVATION? REINCARNATION?
I'D RATHER NOT SAY RIGHT NOW.
I FALL OVER.

A SIDE OF BACON, PLEASE.
HOW CAN SOMEONE LIKE YOU ORDER THAT?
IT'S A PIG-EAT-PIG WORLD.

HOW'D YOUR DATE WITH THAT ZEBRA GO LAST NIGHT?
NOT SO GOOD. A CROCODILE KILLED HER.
HOW WAS THE REST OF THE DATE?

WHO ATE THE LAST PIECE OF CAKE?
NOT ME, YOU MORON.
NOT ME YOU MORON
FRIEND OF YOURS?

D'YOU HEAR NEIGHBOR BOB GOT FIRED FROM HIS JOB?
NO. WHAT'D HE DO?
HE GOT BORED WHILE AT WORK AND DECIDED TO CATCH A MOVIE.
THAT'S A PRETTY UNFORGIVING EMPLOYER.
YEAH, AS IF BEING AN AIRLINE PILOT ISN'T STRESSFUL ENOUGH.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING IN THERE?
A BOXING MATCH...
...BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN, THEY LET THE FIGHTERS TAKE A BREAK AND GO ICE SKATING.
THAT'S CALLED HOCKEY, YOU DUMB PIG.
IT'S NICE... MAYBE IT'LL CATCH ON.

HOW'S YOUR EFFORT GOING TO PROTECT YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS FROM THE LIONS?
NOT GOOD... THE POPEMOBILES WERE A COMPLETE FIASCO
POPOMOBILES?
YEAH... YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE BUBBLE CAR THE POPE RIDES IN?... EACH OF THE ZEBRAS BOUGHT ONE.
DID THEY WORK?
TOO WELL... AFTER AWHILE, NONE OF THE ZEBRAS WOULD GET OUT OF THEIR CARS AND THE WHOLE HERD DIED OFF.
BUT I THOUGHT THEY WERE PROTECTED
THEY WERE.
BUT IT'S HARD TO MAKE BABIES BLOWING KISSES THROUGH WINDOWS.

THIS BOOK I'M READING SAYS THAT WHEN A MAN GETS MARRIED, HIS LIFE IS OVER... HOWEVER, MOST MEN WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT FACT.
OH.
INSTEAD, THEY ENTER A STAGE OF DENIAL WHERE THEY TRY TO CONVINCE THEMSELVES AND OTHERS THAT THEY REMAIN FREE, VIRILE BEINGS.
WHEN DOES THAT END?
WHEN THEY BUY THEIR FIRST MINI-VAN... THEN THE GIG IS UP.

SCOTT ADAMS IS SUING ME...
HE SAYS MY BILDERT STRIP IS A COMPLETE RIP-OFF OF HIS "DILBERT" STRIP.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
FIND A LAWYER WHO'LL RECOGNIZE THE OBVIOUS DIFFERENCES AND DEFEND ME.
DILBERT: FIVE LUMPS OF HAIR.
BILDERT: NO MORE THAN FOUR.

GOAT SAYS YOUR BILDERT STRIP IS A BLATANT RIP-OFF OF "DILBERT."
HE DID, HUH? WELL, ASK HIM IF HE THINKS DA VINCI'S "LAST SUPPER" IS A RIP-OFF... AFTER ALL, THE LAST SUPPER WASN'T HIS IDEA, NOW WAS IT?
YOU'RE A GOOD DEBATER.

MY DILBERT STRIP HAS IMPROVED SINCE MY INTRODUCTION OF THE PRICKLY-HAIRED BOSS.
THAT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE DILBERT'S BOSS.
PLEASE. DILBERT'S BOSS'S HAIR STICKS UP AT A NINETY DEGREE ANGLE FROM THE TOP OF HIS HEAD... THE HAIR ON DILBERT'S BOSS IS AT AN OBVIOUS SEVENTY-EIGHT DEGREE ANGLE.
YOU NEED TO THINK BEFORE YOU TALK.
SORRY. I LEFT MY PROTRACTOR AT HOME.

WHAT'D YOU BUY?
A COLLECTION OF LAST YEAR'S "DILBERT" STRIPS.
I FIGURE IF EVERYONE IS GONNA ACCUSE ME OF RIPPING IT OFF, I MIGHT AS WELL AT LEAST SEE THE STUPID STRIP.
HOW IS IT?
BORING... DID I MENTION I RECENTLY HAD ABOUT 365 NEW IDEAS FOR MY BILDERT STRIP?

I HEARD YOU'RE DRAWING A COMIC STRIP THAT IS A RIP-OFF OF "DILBERT."
OH, I SEE. JUST BECAUSE I DO A STRIP ABOUT AN OFFICE WORKER NAMED "BLOBERT," I'M RIPPING SOMEONE OFF, HUH?
THE TIE THAT CURLS UPWARD IS ANOTHER HINT.
PLEASE. IT'S WINDY WHERE BLOBERT LIVES.

WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING?
A NEW COMIC STRIP.
IT’S CALLED “BILBERT” AND IT’S ABOUT THIS GUY WHO WORKS IN A CUBICLE AND HAS THIS STUPID BOSS.
GEE, THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE THAT “DILBERT” STRIP.
OKAY...STOP RIGHT THERE.
JUST ‘CAUSE I DO A STRIP THAT SOUNDS VAGUELY LIKE SOME OTHER STRIP IS NO REASON TO ACCUSE ME OF RIPPING SOME GUY OFF.
I’M SORRY...I DIDN’T MEAN THAT.
SO WHO’S HIS LITTLE FRIEND?
THAT’S HIS DOG, BOSBERT.