Pearls Before Swine | Search

RAT, THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
AND HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
IT'S MY HUSBAND. I HATE HIM.
EVERY TIME I SEE HIM, I WANT TO PUSH HIS FAT FACE DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND USE THE LIFE INSURANCE MONEY TO TAKE MY SECRET LOVER TO BERMUDA.
I THINK YOU'RE GROWING APART.

WHERE IS RAT?
HE GOT A JOB AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.
WHAT? HE HAS NO TRAINING IN CONFLICT RESOLUTION.
HE SAYS HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.
PERHAPS THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME FOR THE BAMBOO STICK FIGHT.

I INTERVIEWED TODAY FOR
A JOB AS A MARRIAGE
COUNSELOR, BUT I DON'T
THINK I GOT THE JOB.
WHY NOT?
HE ASKED WHAT I THOUGHT
WAS AT THE ROOT OF ALL
MARITAL DISCORD AND I
THINK I GAVE A BAD ANSWER.
OH, IT COULDN'T HAVE
BEEN THAT BAD.
ALL WOMEN ARE NUTS, SIR.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

JUST SOME COFFEE TABLE BOOK.
COFFEE TABLES? I JUST SEE PRETTY PICTURES OF FARMS.
IT'S THE ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE.
WHERE ARE THE COFFEE TABLES?
THERE ARE NO COFFEE TABLES.
THEN WHERE DO THE ENGLISH PUT THEIR COFFEE?
YOU DUMB PIG! IT'S NOT A BOOK ABOUT COFFEE TABLES... IT'S A BOOK ABOUT THE ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE!! CAN'T YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEAD?!?
MAYBE THAT'S WHY THEY DRINK TEA INSTEAD.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
SOME NATURE SHOW....
THIS FEMALE ELEPHANT IS LOOKING FOR A BULL TO MATE WITH.
THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE.

DEAR JULIA ROBERTS, YOU ARE SO PRETTY AND SO SMART. I AM SO DUMB AND SO FAT.
I GUESS WHEN GOD WAS HANDING OUT THE GOOD STUFF, I MUSTA BEEN TAKING A POTTY BREAK.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL IMAGE.
THANKS. IT'S HOW MY MOM EXPLAINED IT TO ME.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
THIS BOOK ON HOW TO ACHIEVE FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE.
HOW MUCH WAS IT?
I RIPPED IT OFF.
GOOD START.

I’VE JUST JOINED THIS PIG GROUP DEDICATED TO ELIMINATING PIG-BASED INSULTS FROM OUR EVERYDAY LANGUAGE.
LIKE WHAT?
WE’RE GONNA START WITH “COMMIE PIG.” IT’S VERY DEROGATORY TOWARD PIGS.
WHAT ARE YOU PROPOSING PEOPLE SAY INSTEAD?
“COMMIE COW.”

AND SO THE GUY SAYS, "SORRY SIR, ALL PASSENGER CARRY-ON ITEMS MUST GO THROUGH THE X-RAY MACHINE."
WHAT'D YOU DO?
I GRABBED MY SUITCASE WITH BOTH HANDS AND GAVE A BIG SPEECH ABOUT HOW SAD IT IS THAT NO ONE CAN TRUST ANYONE ANY MORE.
THEN WHAT?
THAT'S WHEN THE SUITCASE BUSTED OPEN AND THE SIX HUNDRED CUBAN CIGARS ROLLED OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
SOME GUY THAT CLAIMS TO BE A SPIRITUAL MEDIUM.
WHAT'S THE GUY DO?
PEOPLE PAY HIM TONS OF CASH SO THEY CAN TALK TO THEIR DEAD RELATIVES.
GOSH... I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO MY LIVING ONES.

WHY DO YOU PUT UP WITH THAT STUPID RAT?? HE PLAYS YOU FOR A SUCKER! STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!!
NO, PIG, YOU MUST LOVE RAT. HE IS YOUR FRIEND, AND HE CARES ABOUT YOU.
WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THE OTHER ZEBRAS?? YOU NEED TO LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER ONE!!
NO, NO... YOU MUST LOVE YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS... THEY DEPEND ON YOU FOR THEIR LIVES.
WHY DO YOU EVEN TALK TO THE OTHERS? THEY'RE IDIOTS... YOU'RE MUCH TOO SMART FOR THEM.
NO, GOAT, YOU MUST SHARE YOUR GIFT OF KNOWLEDGE AND HELP THE OTHERS LEARN.
PUNCH THE PIG.
PUNCH THE PIG.

WHAT DO
YOU THINK
HEAVEN
IS?
WAKING UP
AND FINDING A
BASKET OF
CHEESE ON
YOUR DOORSTEP.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HELL
IS?
REALIZING YOU'RE IN THE
WRONG HOUSE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT DAN RATHER USED TO END ALL OF HIS BROADCASTS WITH ONE WORD, LIKE "COURAGE"?
NO.
IT'S TRUE... SO I'VE DECIDED TO DO THE SAME IN ALL MY CONVERSATIONS, ONLY I'LL USE VEGETABLES.
VEGETABLES?
WELL, GOTTA GO...
ASPARAGUS.
SEE YOU.
UH. YOU TOO.

I HEAR SOME GUY HIRED YOU TO CARRY AROUND A SIGN DOWNTOWN.
HE DID... BUT THEN HE FIRED ME.
FIRED YOU? FOR WHAT?
YOU GOT ME... I EVEN WENT THE EXTRA MILE BY SMILING AND TELLING EVERYONE TO HAVE A NICE DAY.
STUPID #@!! PIG.

MY HERD'S GONNA HAVE A BIG PARTY FOR MY AUNT LEAH.
WHAT FOR?
BECAUSE SHE'S GETTING OLD AND SLOW AND SOON THE LIONS WILL KILL HER.
WHAT KIND OF EVENT IS THAT?
IT'S A GOING-AWAY PARTY.

DID YOU HEAR I'M PREGNANT, RAT?
THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE DRINKING THAT CAFFEINE.
BUT I DON'T WANT DECAF.
THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD SEX WITH DE BULL.

THAT WOMAN OVER THERE IS "FAST SALLY."
WHY DO THEY CALL HER THAT?
'CAUSE SHE GETS AROUND A LOT.
OH... AND SHE'S ALWAYS IN A HURRY?
NO, YOU DUMB PIG... SHE'S NOT CHASTE.
THEN SHE SHOULD SLOW DOWN.

Hello, hello!!!!
WHAT CITY, PLEASE?
ALBANY!!!
WHAT'S YOUR LISTING?
USTING? WHAT'S USTING? DO YOU NEED A LISTING FOR?
SIR, I CAN'T HELP YOU WITHOUT A LISTING.
FINE, FINE OKAY UHHHHH.... NUMBER ONE... BIG FIRE!! NUMBER TWO... NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE!! NUMBER THREE... HURRY!!!!
SIR....
YES, MA'AM?
THIS IS 4-1-1.
I KNOW THAT, MA'AM...
WELL, THE NUMBER FOR EMERGENCIES IS 9-1-1.
OHHHHHHHH....
WELL, HAVE I GOT A FUNNY STORY TO TELL YOU....

I MET A NICE GUY AT THE PARK TODAY.
WHAT WAS NICE ABOUT HIM?
HE’S THE ONLY PERSON I’VE EVER MET WHO JUST LISTENED TO EVERYTHING I SAID AND DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING MEAN OR RUDE IN RESPONSE.
ON THE DOWN SIDE, HE KEPT GETTING TRAPPED BEHIND AN INVISIBLE WALL.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A LIST OF THE THREE THINGS I'D ASK FOR IF I MET A GENIE.
THAT'S EASY FOR ME... LOVE, LOVE, AND MORE LOVE. HOW ABOUT YOU?
UH... MONEY, MONEY AND MORE MONEY.
I'LL BUY THE LOVE.

WHY DO THEY FILM THESE
COMEDIES BEFORE A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE ?
BECAUSE THEY TEST-MARKETED
THE SHOW ON DEAD GUYS
AND FOUND THEY NEVER
LAUGHED.
TEST-MARKETING IS SO IMPORTANT.

DID YOU HEAR THAT I'M PREGNANT AGAIN, PIG?
YOU MUST BE HAVING A COW.
NO, I'M QUITE CALM.

MY COUSIN LOU IS TRYING TO ATTACH A SECRET WIRE TO ONE OF THE LIONS SO WE CAN HEAR WHAT THEY'RE UP TO ON THIS SPECIAL RADIO.
HEEEERE LITTLE LION... NIIIIIIIICE LITTLE LION... AAAAUGGHHH!!!!! CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP BUUUUUUUURRRP...
I THINK THEY'RE EATING SOMETHING.

SOMETIMES I LAY AWAKE AT NIGHT AND WONDER WHY I'M HERE.

YOU WERE TRYING TO SLEEP IN THIS RESTAURANT?
NO... I WAS AT HOME.
AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE HERE?
I WISH I WEREN'T HERE.
MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, THIS IS PIG, AND I'D LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR TESTING PROCEDURE.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
WELL, I DO A LOT BETTER ON YOUR TESTS IF I'M GIVEN SOME ADVANCE NOTICE... I'M NO GOOD WITH POP QUIZZES.
...AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A PROBLEM ON YOUR END OR MINE, BUT I CAN'T EVEN HEAR THE STUPID QUESTIONS.
ALL I HEAR IS THIS LONG MONO-TONE SOUND... BEEEEEEE...EP... I THINK IT'S DROWNING OUT THE QUESTIONS.
I'M SURE IF YOU CLEARED UP THESE FEW THINGS, I'D PASS, AND YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO KEEP GIVING ME THE STUPID TEST.
SIR, YOU CAN 'PASS' A TEST OF OUR EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM.
I REALLY DON'T NEED YOUR PESSIMISM, SIR.