Pearls Before Swine | Search

MY DREAM IS TO SPEND MY LIFE SIPPING WINE IN SOME PARISIAN CAFE... FAMOUS, FAT AND HAPPY.
BUT WHO'LL DO YOUR LAUNDRY?
MY LAUNDRY? WHO CARES? I'M SIPPING WINE IN PARIS.
YOU'RE GONNA SMELL BAD.
I'LL SIT BY MYSELF.

IS YOUR VENTRILOQUIST ACT GETTING ANY BETTER?
A LITTLE.
THE KEY IS THROWING YOUR VOICE SO WELL THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S COMING FROM THE CHICKEN.
ARE YOU ANY GOOD YET?
NO.

WANT TO SEE MY VENTRILOQUIST ACT?
MAYBE WHEN YOU GET A BETTER PUPPET. THAT THING IS PATHETIC.
I KINDA LIKE IT.
HEY... THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
WHAT WAS PRETTY GOOD?
JUST LOSE THE PIG, BUDDY.

WHERE'S PIG?
PERFORMING HIS VENTRILOQUIST ACT.
I'LL NEVER WORK... YOU CAN TOTALLY SEE HIS LIPS MOVING.
I THINK HE'S TRYING TO WORK AROUND THE PROBLEM.
I DON'T GET IT, MAMA.... WHAT'S A COMATOSE CHICKEN?

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING A RUBBER CHICKEN?
I JUST LEARNED A VENTRILOQUIST ACT... LISTEN...
HELLO... I AM MIKEY... THE RUBBER CHICKEN... IT IS SO NICE TO MEET YOU, MISTER GOAT...
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE YOUR LIPS.
I THOUGHT IT SEEMED TOO EASY.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO GONNA ORDER TODAY?
CRACKERS.
ANYTHING ELSE?
WATER.
AND A MINT.
YOU KNOW, SOME OF OUR CUSTOMERS ACTUALLY ORDER FOOD THAT COSTS MONEY.
WE CAN'T EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
I'LL GET THE CHECK.

DEAR LIONS, AS YOU MAY HAVE ASCERTAINED FROM OUR PRIOR CORRESPONDENCE, WE ZEBRAS ARE NOT PLEASED WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP.
WHILE WE RECOGNIZE AND RESPECT NATURE'S LAW, WE FEEL IT IS TIME TO MOVE TOWARD A HIGHER STATE OF CIVILIZATION...
...ONE IN WHICH THERE EXISTS A MUTUAL RESPECT FOR ONE ANOTHER'S NEEDS AND DIFFERENCES.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE THIS DIALOGUE WITH SOME THOUGHTS OF YOUR OWN.
WE EAT YOU.
SIGH...

LOOK... NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS WIFE ARE GOING ON A LITTLE WEEKEND GETAWAY.
OH, WAIT... THEY SEEM TO BE YELLING.
THEY'RE GOING BACK IN THE HOUSE.
SHE HIT HIM WITH HER SHOE.
WOW, THEY ALMOST MADE IT OUT OF THE GARAGE THIS TIME.
THAT MARRIAGE COUNSELING IS REALLY WORKING.

OUR NEW NEIGHBORS, THE LITZMANS, ARE NUDISTS.
NUDISTS? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
HOW DO I KNOW? I WAS HIDING IN THEIR BUSHES STARING RIGHT INTO THEIR BEDROOM AND I SAW THEM... THAT'S HOW.
DO THEY KNOW THERE'S A TRESPASSING VOYEUR ON THEIR BLOCK?
GREAT... THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A NATURE SHOW... THE LIONS ARE EATING THEIR PREY.
REST IN PEACE, UNCLE GUS.
YOU TAKE ALL THE FUN OUT OF THESE SHOWS.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?

A BOOK ABOUT MINDREADING.

NO, IT'S NOT STUPID.

SINCE MY FELLOW ZEBRAS CAN'T OUTRUN THE LIONS, I HIRED THEM A BUNCH OF SWIMMING INSTRUCTORS.
HOW'D YOU AFFORD THAT? AN ANONYMOUS DONOR.
COME TO PAPA.....

THERE'S A ZEBRA AT OUR FRONT DOOR WHO WANTS TO SELL US COOKIES.
COOKIES? WHY?
HE SAYS THE ZEBRAS ARE TIRED OF BEING EASY PREY, SO THEY'RE RAISING MONEY TO PURCHASE WEAPONS.
I'M SORRY, BUT MY FRIEND WOULD PREFER NOT TO UPSET NATURE'S DELICATE BALANCE.

THE BEST PART ABOUT EATING AT
A CHINESE RESTAURANT IS THE
FORTUNE COOKIE AT THE END.
NOT FOR ME...I'M ALWAYS
AFRAID I'LL GET A BAD ONE.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS...LOOK AT
MINE... "FORTUNE WILL SMILE HER
SWEET SMILE UPON YOU."
HEH HEH
HOW ABOUT YOURS?
"FORTUNE WILL SPIT IN YOUR
EYE, YOU DUMB PIG."
MAYBE WE SHOULD EAT ITALIAN
NEXT TIME.

DON'T YOU WANT SOME BUTTER?
NO.
HOW 'BOUT EGGS?
NO.
LETTUCE?
NO.
YOU'RE STUCK IN THE REFRIGERATOR AGAIN, AREN'T YOU, PIG?
YEAH, BUT NOW I KNOW THE LITTLE LIGHT GOES OFF.

YOU'RE NOT A SOMEBODY UNTIL
YOU REFER TO YOURSELF IN
THE THIRD PERSON.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A
SOMEBODY. IT JUST MAKES
YOU A SELF-CENTERED IDIOT.
YOU'VE UPSET THE RAT.

IF YOU COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ONE PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?
THE LIVING ONE.
YOU MUST THINK I'M REALLY STUPID.

HOW WAS YOUR SECOND DAY AS A FUNERAL DIRECTOR?
HOW SO?
BAD. TODAY WAS OLD MAN HARRY'S FUNERAL AND I MESSED UP.
ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.
AS WE WERE LOWERING THE CASKET INTO THE GRAVE, THE CABLE SNAPPED AND THE CASKET CRASHED TO THE BOTTOM.
...THEN HARRY YELLED "OW!!"
OH MY.
HARRY'S A VERY HEAVY SLEEPER.

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY AS A FUNERAL DIRECTOR?
OKAY... I GAVE MY FIRST EULOGY.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
THE USUAL. FRED WAS A GOOD MAN. FRED WAS A GOOD HUSBAND. WE ALL LOVED FRED.
SOUNDS FINE.
NOT REALLY... TURNS OUT HIS NAME WAS BOB.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE NEW FUNERAL DIRECTOR AT "HAPPY HOMES MORTUARY."
WHY'D YOU WANT THAT JOB?
BECAUSE IF I SCREW UP, NOTHING REALLY BAD CAN HAPPEN.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, THE CUSTOMER'S ALREADY DEAD.

THAT'LL BE TWO HUNDRED BUCKS.
WHAT? JUST FOR MILK AND CHIPS?
... AND ABOUT THIRTY-FIVE POUNDS WORTH OF PORK.
YOU CAN'T CHARGE ME FOR HIM... HE'S A THINKING PIG, NOT AN EATING PIG.
HE'S CULTURED. HE KNOWS ART. HE LIKES MUSIC. HE READS SHAKESPEARE.
SHOW HIM, PIG... GIVE HIM SOME KING LEAR OR HAMLET.
HMMM... I GOT IT.
STELLAAAAAAA!!!
THAT'LL BE TWO HUNDRED BUCKS.
I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDUH.)
YOU SHOULDA BEEN BACON.

LOOK AT THIS SHOW ON ANCIENT
GREEK SCULPTURE... WHAT AN
AMAZING CULTURE.
WHAT'S SO AMAZING?
WELL... THEY ACCOMPLISHED ALL
THIS STUFF DESPITE THE FACT THAT
SO MANY PEOPLE WERE MISSING THEIR
ARMS AND THE TIPS OF THEIR NOSES.
AND LOOK AT THAT POOR GUY...
HE HAD NO HEAD.
I'M LOOKING AT HIM.

I HATE THIS STUPID RESTAURANT... WE’VE BEEN HERE TEN MINUTES AND WE DON’T EVEN HAVE SILVERWARE.
MAYBE THE WAITRESS IS A SINGLE MOTHER WHO’S TIRED ‘CAUSE SHE STAYED UP ALL LAST NIGHT TAKING CARE OF A SICK INFANT.
PLEASE DON’T HUMANIZE THE MORONS AROUND ME, IT MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
HER NAME IS BETSY.

WHERE WERE YOU?
I VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE SOME BALLOON ANIMALS FOR KIDS.
YEAH... WITH THOSE LONG NARROW BALLOONS, YOU CAN MAKE ALMOST ANYTHING.
LONG NARROW BALLOONS?
LOOK, KIDS... IT'S ANOTHER BLOWFISH!!!
GROAN

SO WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING A MONKEY TRAINER IN THE TRAVELING CIRCUS?
OKAY. BUT I GET REAL LONELY ALWAYS BEING AWAY FROM MY WIFE.
WELL, YOU MUST REALLY LOVE THE MONKEY BUSINESS.
I GUESS NOT.