Pearls Before Swine | Search

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, THIS IS PIG, AND I'D LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR TESTING PROCEDURE.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
WELL, I DO A LOT BETTER ON YOUR TESTS IF I'M GIVEN SOME ADVANCE NOTICE... I'M NO GOOD WITH POP QUIZZES.
...AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A PROBLEM ON YOUR END OR MINE, BUT I CAN'T EVEN HEAR THE STUPID QUESTIONS.
ALL I HEAR IS THIS LONG MONO-TONE SOUND... BEEEEEEE...EP... I THINK IT'S DROWNING OUT THE QUESTIONS.
I'M SURE IF YOU CLEARED UP THESE FEW THINGS, I'D PASS, AND YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO KEEP GIVING ME THE STUPID TEST.
SIR, YOU CAN 'PASS' A TEST OF OUR EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM.
I REALLY DON'T NEED YOUR PESSIMISM, SIR.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO IN LIFE, ONE DAY YOU JUST GO KAPUT.
YOU SNEEZE?
'CAUSE OF ONE SNEEZE?
YOU DIE.
NO, YOU DUMB PIG... YOU DON'T SNEEZE.
OH, GOOD... I WANNA LIVE.

YOU ON STRIKE, MISTER?
STRIKE? I'M TELLING PEOPLE THE END IS NEAR.
OH, THAT'S GREAT... DID MANAGEMENT GIVE IN TO YOUR DEMANDS?
NO... I'M PROPHESYING OUR DOOM.
GEE... AND YOU WERE SO OPTIMISTIC A SECOND AGO.

IN THE HEAT OF THE CHASE, THE LION REACHES OUT HER PAW AND SWIPES AT THE ZEBRA'S HIND LEGS.
THIS CAUSES THE ZEBRA TO TRIP AND FALL. SADLY, THE ZEBRA IS NOW DOOMED.
CHEATERS.

THAT'S SO CUTE
YOU GOT A LI'L
PIG DOLL...
WHAT'S HIS
NAME?
I CALL
HIM
"VOO."
WHAT DOES
VOO DO?
WHAT'S RIGHT?
VOO DO WHAT?
THAT'S
RIGHT
VOODOO
VOO DO
VOODOO
NEVER MIND.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
A PIG DOLL.. I BOUGHT HIM TO REMIND ME OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND.
WOW.. HOW SWEET.. THAT REALLY MAKES MY DAY.. I'LL LEAVE NOW AND YOU CAN SEE IF IT WORKS!
OKAY... SEE YA.
OKAY NOW... SHOW ME AGAIN WHERE TO STICK THE PINS.

HOW WAS THE CINCO DE MAYO PARTY LAST NIGHT?
NOT GOOD... SOME KID HIT ME WITH A BASEBALL BAT.
WHAT??
IT'S OKAY. HE STOPPED WHEN HE SAW THERE WAS NO CANDY COMING OUT.

WHY ARE YOU STARING AT THE MILK CARTON?
I'M DOING THE LITTLE GAME PRINTED ON THE SIDE.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY PUT GAMES ON THERE.
THEY ALWAYS DO...BUT THEY'RE SOOOOOO EASY....
LOOK AT THIS ONE...THERE'S A PHOTO OF SOME OLD LADY AND IT SAYS, "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WOMAN?"
YES!!! YES!! SHE'S RIGHT THERE!! HEH HEH HEH...
IT'D BE A LOT HARDER IF THEY'D HIDE HER BEHIND SOME TREES OR SOMETHING.

IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE ALWAYS KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN.
OH, YES! WHAT A BEYOOOOOTIFUL IDEA, POMPOUS RAT.
HEE HEE. STUPID ZEBRA FOLLOWS ANYTHING I SAY.
OKAY.
GREAT.

OUR STRIP IS BEST VIEWED IN LETTERBOX FORMAT.

LOOK AT THAT GUY SMOKING...
HE THINKS HE'S A CHICK MAGNET 'CAUSE HE WEARS TURTLENECK SWEATERS AND LITTLE SUNGLASSES.
AND LOOK AT THOSE SUPERFICIAL BABES TALKING TO HIM...
LOOOOOOOOOSEEEEEEEERS.
HYPOCRITE.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A DOCUMENTARY ON DA VINCI'S "LAST SUPPER."
POOR GUY. IS HE DIETING?
DA VINCI? HE'S DEAD, PIG.
I GUESS THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT EATING.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

IT'S MY "ADOPT-A-FLY" PROGRAM. I TRY TO FIND HOMES FOR UNWANTED FLIES.

DID YOU PUNCH HOLES IN THAT LID?

I'LL DO IT LATER... I'D HATE TO WAKE THEM UP.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YES. I'M PIG, FOUNDER OF THE "ADOPT-A-FLY" PROGRAM, WHERE I TRY TO FIND GOOD HOMES FOR UNWANTED FLIES.

I'LL KILL ANY FLY THAT GETS IN THIS HOUSE.
YOU MAY NOT MEET OUR ADOPTION GUIDELINES.

EVERYBODY SAYS YOU SHOULDN'T BE JUDGMENTAL, BUT HOW CAN YOU HELP IT WHEN LIFE IS FILLED WITH SO MANY IDIOTS?
THUS, I WILL NOW WEAR A BAG AND EARPLUGS.
WHAT WILL THAT DO?
WELL, IF I CAN'T SEE THE MORONS, I CAN'T JUDGE THE STUPID THINGS THEY DO...
...AND IF I CAN'T HEAR THE MORONS, I CAN'T JUDGE THE STUPID THINGS THEY SAY.
YOU SMELL.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A BOOK ON DINING ETIQUETTE.
IT'S FOR GUYS LIKE ME THAT HAVE TROUBLE RE-MEMBERING SOME OF THE MORE ESOTERIC RULES.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT SO FAR?
"DON'T PUNCH YOUR DINNER GUESTS IN THE HEAD."

DID YOU KNOW THAT FEMALE ELEPHANTS ARE CALLED COWS?
YOU MEAN THOSE THINGS WE GET MILK FROM ARE ACTUALLY ELEPHANTS?
NO. THOSE ARE COWS.
I UNDERSTAND. BUT IT'S STRANGE TO THINK THEY'RE REALLY ELEPHANTS.

MY ZEBRA HERD IS NOW TRYING TO FOOL THE LIONS BY PLAYING DEAD.
DOES IT WORK?
STUDIES SHOW THAT NINETY-NINE OF THE HUNDRED ZEBRAS THAT TRIED IT WERE KILLED BY THE LIONS.
WHY DO THEY KEEP DOING IT?
THEY CAN'T READ.

AND THE AWARD FOR THIS YEAR'S LAZIEST PIG GOES TO... PIG!! C'MON UP, PIG, AND GET YOUR AWARD...
PIG?
ACCEPTING ON BEHALF OF PIG WILL BE RAT...
I AM A FAT, DUMB PIG. THANK YOU AND GOOD- NIGHT.
ONE SHOULD NEVER SNUB THE WALLIES.

WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO THE FIRST ANNUAL VALLIES, AN AWARD SHOW DEDICATED TO VALIDATING MY OPINIONS.
I'M WATCHING TV.
OUR FIRST AWARD TONIGHT IS FOR THIS YEAR'S WITTIEST RAT... AND THE NOMINEES ARE...... RAT... AND PIG.
PSSST... THIS PROBABLY WON'T BE YOUR YEAR.

ARE YOU GOING TO THE WALLIES TONIGHT?
WHAT ARE THE WALLIES?
AN AWARD SHOW STARTED BY ME TO VALIDATE ALL OF MY OPINIONS.
OH, GREAT.
IF IT'S ANY INCENTIVE, YOU'RE UP FOR FATTEST PIG.

WHO ARE ALL THESE GUYS?
STUPID PEOPLE. I'VE TAKEN IT UPON MYSELF TO FILTER THEM OUT OF SOCIETY AND PUT THEM HERE, OUT OF HARM'S WAY.
YEAH, I'M DIRK. I RECLINE MY AIRPLANE SEAT ALL THE WAY BACK AND CRUSH THE KNEES OF WHOEVER SITS BEHIND ME.
I'M MYRNA. I OBVIOUSLY BLOCK A WHOLE SUPERMARKET AISLE WITH MY SHOPPING CART WHILE LOOKING FOR MY FAVORITE CAKE MIX.
AND I'M FRED. I MAKE UNNECESSARY PERSONAL CALLS ON MY CELL PHONE WHILE IN PUBLIC PLACES.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS RIGHT. I PREFER TO BELIEVE IN THE FUNDAMENTAL GOODNESS OF ALL PEOPLE.
DUDE...SO THE PIG'S LIKE "NO WAY, DUDE, I DON'T WANT TO GO IN THAT BOX" AND THE RAT'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU'RE GOING IN THE BOX."

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
"THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE."
NOT A LOT OF SUSPENSE WITH THAT ONE.

DEAR FIDEL CASTRO, HOW COME YOU WEAR THAT SAME GREEN UNIFORM ALL THE TIME? IT LOOKS KIND OF DUMB.
YOU STUPID PIG. WHY DO YOU BOTHER WRITING LETTERS LIKE THAT? NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK.......
.

YOU SAID THIS WAS BARRY BONDS' 74TH HOME-RUN BALL FROM LAST SEASON, BUT GOAT SAYS HE DIDN'T HIT 74, SO I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
GOSH...I THINK GOAT'S RIGHT... THIS APPEARS TO BE THE 75TH HOME-RUN BALL...I'M GONNA HAVE TO CHARGE YOU A LOT MORE MONEY.
DO YOU TAKE CHECKS?