Pearls Before Swine | Search

LOOK... NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS WIFE ARE GOING ON A LITTLE WEEKEND GETAWAY.
OH, WAIT... THEY SEEM TO BE YELLING.
THEY'RE GOING BACK IN THE HOUSE.
SHE HIT HIM WITH HER SHOE.
WOW, THEY ALMOST MADE IT OUT OF THE GARAGE THIS TIME.
THAT MARRIAGE COUNSELING IS REALLY WORKING.

OUR NEW NEIGHBORS, THE LITZMANS, ARE NUDISTS.
NUDISTS? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
HOW DO I KNOW? I WAS HIDING IN THEIR BUSHES STARING RIGHT INTO THEIR BEDROOM AND I SAW THEM... THAT'S HOW.
DO THEY KNOW THERE'S A TRESPASSING VOYEUR ON THEIR BLOCK?
GREAT... THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A NATURE SHOW... THE LIONS ARE EATING THEIR PREY.
REST IN PEACE, UNCLE GUS.
YOU TAKE ALL THE FUN OUT OF THESE SHOWS.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?

A BOOK ABOUT MINDREADING.

NO, IT'S NOT STUPID.

SINCE MY FELLOW ZEBRAS CAN'T OUTRUN THE LIONS, I HIRED THEM A BUNCH OF SWIMMING INSTRUCTORS.
HOW'D YOU AFFORD THAT? AN ANONYMOUS DONOR.
COME TO PAPA.....

THERE'S A ZEBRA AT OUR FRONT DOOR WHO WANTS TO SELL US COOKIES.
COOKIES? WHY?
HE SAYS THE ZEBRAS ARE TIRED OF BEING EASY PREY, SO THEY'RE RAISING MONEY TO PURCHASE WEAPONS.
I'M SORRY, BUT MY FRIEND WOULD PREFER NOT TO UPSET NATURE'S DELICATE BALANCE.

THE BEST PART ABOUT EATING AT
A CHINESE RESTAURANT IS THE
FORTUNE COOKIE AT THE END.
NOT FOR ME...I'M ALWAYS
AFRAID I'LL GET A BAD ONE.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS...LOOK AT
MINE... "FORTUNE WILL SMILE HER
SWEET SMILE UPON YOU."
HEH HEH
HOW ABOUT YOURS?
"FORTUNE WILL SPIT IN YOUR
EYE, YOU DUMB PIG."
MAYBE WE SHOULD EAT ITALIAN
NEXT TIME.

DON'T YOU WANT SOME BUTTER?
NO.
HOW 'BOUT EGGS?
NO.
LETTUCE?
NO.
YOU'RE STUCK IN THE REFRIGERATOR AGAIN, AREN'T YOU, PIG?
YEAH, BUT NOW I KNOW THE LITTLE LIGHT GOES OFF.

YOU'RE NOT A SOMEBODY UNTIL
YOU REFER TO YOURSELF IN
THE THIRD PERSON.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A
SOMEBODY. IT JUST MAKES
YOU A SELF-CENTERED IDIOT.
YOU'VE UPSET THE RAT.

IF YOU COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ONE PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?
THE LIVING ONE.
YOU MUST THINK I'M REALLY STUPID.

HOW WAS YOUR SECOND DAY AS A FUNERAL DIRECTOR?
HOW SO?
BAD. TODAY WAS OLD MAN HARRY'S FUNERAL AND I MESSED UP.
ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.
AS WE WERE LOWERING THE CASKET INTO THE GRAVE, THE CABLE SNAPPED AND THE CASKET CRASHED TO THE BOTTOM.
...THEN HARRY YELLED "OW!!"
OH MY.
HARRY'S A VERY HEAVY SLEEPER.

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY AS A FUNERAL DIRECTOR?
OKAY... I GAVE MY FIRST EULOGY.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
THE USUAL. FRED WAS A GOOD MAN. FRED WAS A GOOD HUSBAND. WE ALL LOVED FRED.
SOUNDS FINE.
NOT REALLY... TURNS OUT HIS NAME WAS BOB.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE NEW FUNERAL DIRECTOR AT "HAPPY HOMES MORTUARY."
WHY'D YOU WANT THAT JOB?
BECAUSE IF I SCREW UP, NOTHING REALLY BAD CAN HAPPEN.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, THE CUSTOMER'S ALREADY DEAD.

THAT'LL BE TWO HUNDRED BUCKS.
WHAT? JUST FOR MILK AND CHIPS?
... AND ABOUT THIRTY-FIVE POUNDS WORTH OF PORK.
YOU CAN'T CHARGE ME FOR HIM... HE'S A THINKING PIG, NOT AN EATING PIG.
HE'S CULTURED. HE KNOWS ART. HE LIKES MUSIC. HE READS SHAKESPEARE.
SHOW HIM, PIG... GIVE HIM SOME KING LEAR OR HAMLET.
HMMM... I GOT IT.
STELLAAAAAAA!!!
THAT'LL BE TWO HUNDRED BUCKS.
I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDUH.)
YOU SHOULDA BEEN BACON.

LOOK AT THIS SHOW ON ANCIENT
GREEK SCULPTURE... WHAT AN
AMAZING CULTURE.
WHAT'S SO AMAZING?
WELL... THEY ACCOMPLISHED ALL
THIS STUFF DESPITE THE FACT THAT
SO MANY PEOPLE WERE MISSING THEIR
ARMS AND THE TIPS OF THEIR NOSES.
AND LOOK AT THAT POOR GUY...
HE HAD NO HEAD.
I'M LOOKING AT HIM.

I HATE THIS STUPID RESTAURANT... WE’VE BEEN HERE TEN MINUTES AND WE DON’T EVEN HAVE SILVERWARE.
MAYBE THE WAITRESS IS A SINGLE MOTHER WHO’S TIRED ‘CAUSE SHE STAYED UP ALL LAST NIGHT TAKING CARE OF A SICK INFANT.
PLEASE DON’T HUMANIZE THE MORONS AROUND ME, IT MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
HER NAME IS BETSY.

WHERE WERE YOU?
I VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE SOME BALLOON ANIMALS FOR KIDS.
YEAH... WITH THOSE LONG NARROW BALLOONS, YOU CAN MAKE ALMOST ANYTHING.
LONG NARROW BALLOONS?
LOOK, KIDS... IT'S ANOTHER BLOWFISH!!!
GROAN

SO WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING A MONKEY TRAINER IN THE TRAVELING CIRCUS?
OKAY. BUT I GET REAL LONELY ALWAYS BEING AWAY FROM MY WIFE.
WELL, YOU MUST REALLY LOVE THE MONKEY BUSINESS.
I GUESS NOT.

I GOT A JOB WRITING GREETING CARDS. THIS ONE'S FOR A WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
LET'S HEAR IT.
"DEAR WIFE... TODAY'S A DAY I GOTTA BUY YOU A CARD...'CAUSE IF I DON'T, YOU'LL PROBABLY MAKE MY LIFE WORSE THAN YOU ALREADY DO."
THEN I'VE GOT SOME THAT AREN'T SO ROMANTIC.

THE KEY TO BEING A GREAT POET IS TO BE SO OBSCURE THAT NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND YOU, MUCH LESS CRITICIZE YOU.
"ATOP THE FOG THE ZEBRA'S BUTTOCKS ANGRY AT MY MOTHER'S SLOTH."
DON'T TELL ANYONE MY SECRET, OKAY?
I DON'T THINK I'LL HAVE TO.

ARE YOU WATCHING THE ART
HISTORY CHANNEL?
SHHH... I'M
TRYING TO HEAR
THIS.
OOHH...WHAT'S
YOUR
PROBLEM?
THAT PAINTING'S CALLED "THE SCREAM."
WHY'S HE SCREAMING?
I DON'T KNOW. CAN I
WATCH THIS?
HE PROBABLY GOT
TIRED OF THAT
MOANING LISA.
GEEZ...WHY
WAS LISA
MOANING?
I THINK SHE SAW THAT VAN
GOGH GUY CUT HIS EARS
OFF.
OKAY...FORGET IT...YOU TWO KNOW
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT ART
AND IF YOU HAD ANY SENSE, YOU'D
BE EMBARRASSED BY HOW STUPID
YOU SOUND.
I'M LEAVING.
SO WHY'D HE CUT HIS EARS OFF?
I GUESS HE DIDN'T WANT TO
HEAR ALL THAT SCREAMING.

THINK OF ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO HELP OTHER PEOPLE AND YET YOU AND I... WE JUST SIT HERE.
DON'T WORRY, PIG... THEY'LL HELP US TOO SOME DAY.

I WANNA BE IMMORTAL.
THANKS, GOAT.
THAT'S HOW I THINK OF YOU.
IMMORTAL... WITH A "T"...
THAT WON'T BE AS EASY FOR YOU.

I WANNA BE IMMORTAL.
NOT ME.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE MY FEET WOULD HURT REAL BAD AFTER A WHILE....
YOU NEED A BETTER SOLE.
LOOK WHO'S TALKING.

HOW IS IT THAT NO MATTER WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISH IN LIFE, YOU STILL DIE?
I MEAN, IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET A DEATH EXEMPTION FOR DOING GREAT THINGS, WHY NOT JUST SIT AROUND AND BE DUMB, FAT AND LAZY?
CAN THIS WAIT UNTIL "COPS" IS OVER?