Pearls Before Swine | Search

NEVER TRUST A CIRCUS CLOWN. THOSE WERE MY FATHER'S LAST WORDS.
HOW DID YOUR FATHER DIE?
HE WAS SMACKED IN THE HEAD WITH A SPRITZER BOTTLE.

I THINK THAT I WILL DIE ON THE LAS VEGAS STRIP... MY NAKED BODY WILL BE FOUND BY A STREET CLEANER NAMED BUDDY.
DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT WILL BE A SLOW NEWS DAY, MY UNTIMELY DEATH WILL GARNER ABSOLUTELY NO COVERAGE.
I FEEL SORRY FOR BUDDY.
YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT. DEAD RATS ARE GROSS.

HAM SANDWICH, PLEASE.
YOU CAN'T ORDER THAT... YOU'RE A PIG...IT COULD BE A RELATIVE...
RELATIVE?? HANG ON...
FRANKIE, HEY, IT'S YOUR COUSIN PIG.
HOW YOUZE DOIN', PIG?
GOOD, GOOD...LISTEN, HOW'S YOUR SISTER?
FINE, FINE.
HOW'S UNCLE GEORGE?
OH, PRETTY GOOD THERE.
AND AUNT VIVIAN?
WELL, ACTUALLY, SHE WENT OUT TO PLAY BINGO LAST NIGHT AND WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER SINCE.
NOT A WORD?
NOPE. NOT A WORD.
BETTER MAKE THAT A FRUIT SALAD.

WERE YOU EVER THROWN OUT OF A CLUB?
PLENTY, WHY?
BECAUSE THAT "SOCIETY OF CULTURED PIGS" GROUP JUST BOOTED ME.
THEY GOT WORD OF THE BACON THING, HUH?
...BUT B.L.T.'S TASTE SO DARN GOOD.
THEY'RE TOO JUDGMENTAL.

IF SOMEONE TOLD YOU THAT YOU ONLY HAD FIVE YEARS TO LIVE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
EASY... I'D SCREAM.
NO, YOU DUMB PIG... WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THE FIVE YEARS YOU HAD LEFT?
I'D SCREAM EVEN MORE.
I THINK I'M GONNA START SCREAMING.
ARE YOU DYING?

ON LONG DARK EVENINGS, I AM SOMETIMES OVERWHELMED BY MY FEARS.
YOUR EARS?
MY EARS? WHAT ABOUT MY EARS? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY EARS?
YES...DON'T LET THEM SCARE YOU.
YOU SCARE ME.
MY EARS ARE HARMLESS.

IF YOU WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND AND COULD ONLY TAKE ONE THING WITH YOU TO READ, WHAT WOULD IT BE ?
A NEWSPAPER.
NO, YOU DUMB PIG... A NEWSPAPER WOULD GET OLD AFTER ONE DAY.
OH, NO... I’D SUBSCRIBE.

I WENT TO MS. PINKETT'S FUNERAL LAST NIGHT.
HOW WAS IT?
IT WAS VERY MOVING... SOMEONE PLACED THE CARD FROM HER LAST BINGO GAME IN HER HANDS.
HOW NICE.
EVERYONE CRIED WHEN THEY SAW SHE ONLY NEEDED AN "O".
SHE WENT OUT WITH A BING.

HOW WAS THE BINGO TOURNAMENT LAST NIGHT?
IT WAS CANCELLED... ONE OF THE CEILING TILES FELL AND CRUSHED MS. PINKETT.
HOW AWFUL.
SHE KNEW THE RISKS OF PLAYING THE GAME.