Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHO DO YOU THINK ARE THE GREATEST FICTIONAL CHARACTERS OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY?
WELL, YOU HAVE HOLDEN CAULFIELD, JAY GATSBY, SHERLOCK HOLMES, SCOUT FINCH, ATTICUS FINCH... HARD TO THINK OF MANY WITH A BIGGER IMPACT.
GOOD GRIEF. WHO'S THE SAD KID?
THAT CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOUR BACK.

WELL, GUYS, I'M OFF TO ENJOY A RELAXING VACATION TO REVIVE THE SOUL AND LIFT MY SPIRITS!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE LUGGAGE.
I'M JUST GETTING OFF SOCIAL MEDIA FOR AN HOUR.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.

IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING UP?
CAN'T SLEEP. WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING.
HEALTH? MONEY? RELATIONSHIPS?
THERE ARE 4500000000 TURKEYS IN THE WORLD. WHAT IF THEY ALL TURNED ON US?

I HAVE TO GIVE
A SPEECH INTRO-
DUCING SOMEONE,
BUT I'M NOT SURE
IF IT'S THE RIGHT
LENGTH.
'LEMME
SEE...'
HI, EVERYONE, IT'S AN HONOR TO INTRODUCE
OUR NEXT GUEST. IF YOU'LL JUST INDULGE ME,
HERE IS HIS INCREDIBLE BACKGROUND. FOUR
YEARS AT BERKELEY, THREE AT UCLA, SEVEN
YEARS TEACHING AT GEORGETOWN. WINNER OF
TWO PULITZER PRIZES AND FOUR DISTINGUISHED
FELLOWSHIPS. AN AVID FISHERMAN. FATHER
OF FOUR CHILDREN. DEVOTED COLLECTOR OF
STAMPS AND MODEL TRAINS. HERO TO MILLIONS.
HELP ME GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO OUR GUEST,
THE INCOMPARABLE NED JOHNSON.
HI... HERE'S NED
EDITING
IS SUCH
A SKILL.
OR JUST
POINT AND
SAY "NED!"

Goals for the next ten years of my life:
HAPPINESS
I THINK LIFE GOALS HAVE TO BE A LOT MORE SPECIFIC THAN THAT.
WRITE
WRITE
WRITE
Lotsa HAPPINESS

HEY, GOAT, HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD. I WAS JUST LISTENING TO THIS REALLY GOOD JOE ROGAN PODCAST WHERE HE INTERVIEWS—
YOU LISTEN TO JOE ROGAN?
AHH YOU LITTLE RIGHT WING PIECE OF—
DEFEND YOUR PODCAST LISTENING CHOICES!
WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD?
I'M TAKING YOUR LATTE. WE DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND.

WHAT'S THAT THING, PIG?
IT'S MY HANDY-DANDY "DAY PREDICTOR." LET'S YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF DAY YOU'RE ABOUT TO HAVE.
STUPENDOUS!
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
STUPENDOUS
Wonderful! Great
Terrific THE BEST!
TREMENDOUS FANTASTIC
AMAZING!!
OPTIMISTS ARE A DIFFERENT BREED.

HEY, RAT, NEIGHBOR BOB'S AT THE DOOR. HE WANTS TO KNOW IF WE'RE GOING TO HIS BABY'S GENDER REVEAL PARTY.
ASK HIM TO JUST TELL US THE GENDER LIKE WE DID IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS, BEFORE THE WHOLE WORLD BECAME ONE BIG, SELF-CONGRATULATORY EXTRAVAGANZA.
HE SAYS WE'RE NO LONGER INVITED.
MALE, YOU @#!<

THANKS FOR COMING IN TODAY, PIG. LISTEN... WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE DOORS THAT LEAD OUT OF OUR OFFICE? ARE THEY WIDE ENOUGH? EASY ENOUGH TO OPEN?
YEAH, I THINK THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD.
I NEVER LIKE EXIT INTERVIEWS.

HELP. CAN NEVER DECIDE WHICH NETFLIX MOVIE TO WATCH.
GOD BLESS
THESE ARE HARD TIMES.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, PLEASE HELP ME. I'M NOT SUCCESSFUL.
YOU JUST NEED TO PROJECT CONFIDENCE.
I'M CONFIDENT I'M NOT SUCCESSFUL!
DON'T KNOW HOW THAT HELPED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
SELLING GREETING CARDS. I'VE GOT A GREAT MARKET NICHE.
WHAT'S THE NICHE?
WELL, HALLMARK HAS "WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO SEND THE VERY BEST."
AND YOU?
"WHEN YOU DON'T QUITE CARE THAT MUCH."
I DON'T THINK I WANT ONE.
CARE TO SEE MY LINE OF "I DON'T GIVE A @#$%^&*?

Things I'm looking forward to today:
- Stubbed toe!
- Huge bill!
- Dented fender!
A LOW BAR IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS.

IT'S 8 A.M. I'M AT MY DESK. AND I'M GONNA DO A FULL DAY OF WORK.
AW. YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH ME -- YOUR PHONE?
I DO NOT. I PICK YOU UP AND SOMEHOW I END UP WASTING A WHOLE DAY.
JUST CHECK FACEBOOK.
NO.
INSTAGRAM?
NO.
WhatsApp?
NO.
PODCASTS?
NO.
CANDY CRUSH?
NO!
BUT, OKAY, SURELY YOU NEED TO CHECK EMAIL. IT COULD BE REALLY IMPORTANT.
WELL, THAT'S TRUE. LIL, LET ME JUST DO THAT.
YOU
KNOW
THE
REST.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
5:00
UGH.
MY LIFE IS USELESS.
HEY, AT LEAST BOOZE ONLY KILLS.

I'VE
BEEN SO
UNHAPPY
LATELY.
OF COURSE YOU'VE BEEN.
IT'S ALL ABOUT THAT
FAMOUS QUOTE BY
HENRY DAVID THOREAU.
WHAT'S
THAT?
'THE MASS OF
NON-CYCLISTS LEAD
LIVES OF QUIET
DESPERATION.'
I THINK YOU
CHANGED
SOMETHING.
DON'T MAKE ME
GO ALL 'UNCIVIL
DISOBEDIENCE'
ON YOUR @$$.

WHEN I GO OTHER PLACES AND WALK AROUND, I SEE A LOT OF THINGS THAT ARE REALLY GREAT.
BUT IF YOU LOOK ON SOCIAL MEDIA, THEY SOMEHOW MAKE EVERYTHING SEEM BAD, BAD, BAD. IT'S LIKE THIS DISTORTED VERSION OF REALITY.
THINK OF SOCIAL MEDIA AS A FUNHOUSE MIRROR, BUT WITHOUT THE FUN.
I NEED TO GO TO A DIFFERENT CARNIVAL.
THIS ONE'S MORE OF A HOUSE OF HORRORS.

Dear Powers-That-Be in-the-Universe...
Every day we lose thousands of brain cells.
So why am I not losing weight?
I NEED ANSWERS.

HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO ALWAYS BE SO NICE TO OTHERS, PIG?
BECAUSE I WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN WHEN I DIE.
AND WHAT DO YOU THINK HEAVEN IS ?
HEAVEN IS ONE BIG PANTRY FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE AND CHEESE WHERE YOU CAN EAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DIE TWICE.
I MAY START BEING GOOD.

TODAY'S AFFIRMATION: I am not responsible for other people's happiness.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT. THAT'S AN IMPORTANT REALIZATION.
I did, however, cause their sadness.
NOT WHERE I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING.
IT'S SORT OF A SPECIAL SKILL.

MY APPROACH TO THE DAY AHEAD OF ME…
I CAN DO IT!
I CAN DO IT!
I CAN DO IT!
BED IS ALWAYS AN OPTION.
Zzzzzz

I'm desperate.
I'm desperate.
WHAT ARE YOU DESPERATE FOR?
ACCEPTANCE. CONNECTION. AFFECTION. MEANING. LOVE. THESE LAST TWO YEARS HAVE BEEN SO TOUGH.
YEAH, WELL, PEOPLE AREN'T DRAWN TO SOMEONE WHO'S DESPERATE.
WHAT ARE THEY DRAWN TO?
CONFIDENCE. EVERYONE LOVES CONFIDENCE.
WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE
I'm confident that I'm desperate.

ISN'T IT STRANGE HOW AS YOU GET OLDER AND MATURE, YOU SOMETIMES FIND YOURSELF CRYING OVER THE SHEER BEAUTY OF LIFE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO LAUGH.
MAYBE WE DON'T ALL MATURE.
SOMETIMES I CRY WHEN I LAUGH REALLY HARD.

WELL, I FINALLY CALLED THE CABLE COMPANY AND GOT RID OF CABLE FOR GOOD. YES! HOW MUCH DOES THAT SAVE US A MONTH? ONE HUNDRED BUCKS! GREAT! ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE TWO HUNDRED WE NOW PAY TO NINE STREAMING SERVICES! NOT QUITE SURE HOW THAT HAPPENED.

YOU AND ME ARE SO FAR APART POLITICALLY. BUT WHAT'S OVERLOOKED IS THAT THERE ARE GOALS WE HAVE IN COMMON.
FOR EXAMPLE, I THINK WE ALL AGREE IT DOESN'T DO ANY OF US ANY GOOD TO BE MISINFORMED.
I LIKE BEING MISINFORMED.
WE MAY BE FURTHER APART THAN I THOUGHT.
BOOOOO. TRUTH.

HEY, PIG. THIS IS MY FRIEND, CLIFF. HE'S A RANCHER.
YEP. GOT MYSELF A CORRAL FILLED WITH MARES.
MUST MAKE IT HARD TO GOVERN.
WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?
DON'T ASK.