Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Powers That Be In The Universe...
Lately, I've had so many setbacks that I had to check my calendar.
Is it 'PICK ON ME' MONTH.?
THEY RARELY TELL YOU.

THE
SUBTLETIES
OF
CARTOONING
TODAY'S LESSON:
TONGUE PLACEMENT!
TONGUE ABOVE MOUTH:
SATISFYING MEAL
TONGUE BELOW MOUTH:
DEAD
IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS.
WILL KEEP
TONGUE UP
ALWAYS.

DID YOU HEAR THIS STORY ABOUT ALL THESE PEOPLE GETTING 'MONKEYPOX'?
OH. SORRY... MONKEYPOX CAN'T BE A THING... I'M ALL OUT OF WORRY SPACE.
COME BACK ANOTHER TIME.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.

SMILE! IT COSTS NOTHING.
IN THESE TIMES, IT TAKES A G@#*£? TON OF EFFORT!
I SHOULD EASE UP ON THE NEWS-READING.

WELL, JUST GOT DONE WITH EVERYTHING I WANTED TO GET DONE.
GEE, PIG. YOU'RE A LOT MORE EFFICIENT WITH YOUR TIME THESE DAYS.
YEAH. I JUST CUT OUT ALL THE THINGS THAT WASTED TIME.
LIKE WHAT?
CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK.
I SEE.
SAVES SIX HOURS A DAY.

You are cordially invited to our gala event. Please RSVP:
I will be attending.
I will not be attending.
I will not be attending.
Reason for not attending:
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO DO THE STUPID THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO DO.
THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE.

HEY, PIG, GOING ANYWHERE THIS SUMMER?
NO. YOU ASKED ME THAT ALREADY.
I DID? I WAS JUST CURIOUS BECAUSE I’M GOING TO MY FAVORITE CITY IN NEW ZEALAND -
TAUMATAWHAKATANGIHANGAKOAUAUOTAMATEATURIPUKAKAPIKIMAUNGAHORONUKU-
POKAIWHENUAKITANATAHU.
WHERE?
TAUMATAWHAKATANGIHANGAKOAUAUOTAMATEATURIPUKAKAPIKIMAUNGAHORONUKU-
POKAIWHENUAKITANATAHU.
WHAT'S THAT?
HEY, THE PLACE WITH THE LONGEST NAME IN THE WORLD. LANAFNWFLPWLYNIGGYGOEGRY-
VNDROBWLLLLWSNYSLLOOGGOCH IN WALES IS CLOSE, BUT IT’S NOT AS LONG AS TAUMATAWHAKATANGIHANGAKOAUAUOTAMATEATURIPUKAKAPIKIMAUNGAHORONUKU-
POKAIWHENUAKITANATAHU.
YOU’RE ONLY DOING ALL THAT BECAUSE I TOLD YOU THAT LETTERING THE STRIP WAS HURTING MY HAND TODAY.
HOPE HE DOESN’T HAVE PNEUMONOULTRA-
MICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
BUILDING A DEPOT FOR MY MODEL TRAIN SET. WANT TO HELP?
OH, NO THANKS.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE WE LIVE AND THEN WE DIE AND EVERYTHING WE'VE DONE IS UNDONE AND FORGOTTEN AND ALL IS FOR NAUGHT. COULD HAVE JUST SAID YOU DIDN'T LIKE TRAINS.
I FIND MY LINE GETS ME OUT OF EVERYTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING EATING A HAMBURGER AND FRIES AT EIGHT IN THE MORNING?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
WE AS A SOCIETY HAVE AGREED TO ONLY EAT CERTAIN FOODS FOR BREAKFAST, YOU KNOW, LIKE EGGS, TOAST, CEREAL, HASH BROWNS.
AND YET HERE I AM FLAUNTING THAT ARBITRARY RULE.
I JUST LOVE STICKING IT TO THE MAN.

HEY, RAT, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
DEVILED EGGS AND HAM.
WHY DO THEY CALL IT THAT?
BECAUSE I SHALL HURL YOUR SOUL INTO A FIERY PIT!!
AND YOU SHOULD HEAR THE HAM.

YOU OFFERING IT?
ASKING FOR IT.
THIS COULD GET CROWDED.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, ROBERT.
HE'S A PROFESSIONAL FILM CRITIC.
WHAT'S IT FEEL LIKE TO HAVE ALL
SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE WITH PHONES
NOW DOING THE EXACT SAME THING
AS YOU?
THAT HURTS.
YOU'RE NOW
JUST A
SQUIRT GUN
IN THE SEA.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I AM ALWAYS UNHAPPY AND ANGRY AND NEED TO KNOW IF MY FUTURE HOLDS ANYTHING BETTER.
YES, YOU WILL ACHIEVE EVERY GOAL YOU SET.
BUT WILL BE JUST AS UNHAPPY BECAUSE YOU STILL WON'T UNDERSTAND THAT HAPPINESS COMES FROM THE INSIDE.
I PUSHED HIM OFF THE MOUNTAIN.

PUTTING TOGETHER MY FANTASY TEAM. YOU CAN
PICK COMMENTATOR FORMER PLAYERS. THAT N.F.L.
COMMENTATOR HOWIE LONG GOT ME INTO IT.
WE'RE FRIENDS, SO I CALL HIM "HOW" FOR SHORT.
Well, that's good.
But who is B.A.T.T.?
Y.
Why?
WATT?
BECAUSE HE'S GOOD.
Yeah, WHICH
Watt? Is it the
Watt in the hall
of fame, OR is it
his brother?
J.J.?
THERE'S
NO. WARE
IS OVER
BACK THERE
BEFORE
WYNN.
NFL FANTASY DRAFT
J.J. WATT
DEMARUCUS WARE
ISAIAH WYNN
YA TIT TLE
NO.
WYNN.
NOT.
WYNN.
WHEN DID I EVEN
KNOW WHY YOU'RE DOING
ALL THIS.
Watt?
HOW Y?
How what?
HOW LONG.
AAAHHHHH!!!
I'M GOING
BACK TO MY
HOME.
MAHOMES
ISN'T UP
THERE.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
I WILL NOT
LET OTHERS’
CRITICISM
AFFECT ME.
I WILL NOT
LET OTHERS’
CRITICISM
AFFECT ME.
NOISE-
CANCELING
HEADPHONES
DON’T COUNT!
YOU
HAVE A
GOOD
DAY, TOO!

DO YOU THINK MIRACLES ARE POSSIBLE?
YES.
WHEN I DRINK, THE PEOPLE AROUND ME BECOME TOLERABLE.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A MIRACLE.
YOU WOULD IF YOU KNEW THEM.

THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS TO TELL PEOPLE WHO'VE HURT YOU THAT YOU'RE WILLING TO FORGET THE PAST.
THAT'S VERY MATURE OF YOU. AND I BET IT MAKES THE OTHER PEOPLE FEEL GREAT.
IT DOES. SO THEY LET THEIR GUARD DOWN. AND THAT'S WHEN YOU CRUSH THEM.
MY KIND OF GENIUS CANNOT BE REPLICATED.

The Two-Step Guide to a Fulfilling Career
STEP 1:
Identify your favorite pastime.
SLEEPING
STEP 2:
Identify a money-making career that's related to it.
STEAL SOMEONE'S WALLET WHILE THEY'RE SLEEPING.
I JUST MASTERED LIFE

HEY, RAT, DID YOU USE MY CAR TODAY AND NOT REFILL THE TANK?
I DID.
WHAT POSSIBLE EXCUSE CAN YOU HAVE FOR BORROWING SOMEONE'S CAR AND NOT REFILLING THE TANK?
IT WAS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OUR SHAREHOLDERS.
ONLY WORKS FOR CORPORATIONS.
RAT, INC. APOLOGIZES TO NO ONE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, GIVE ME SOME ADVICE TO HELP ME GET THROUGH LIFE.
IN LIFE, YOU CANNOT CONTROL WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.
BUT YOU CAN CONTROL HOW YOU RESPOND.
I WAS HOPING HE'D JUST SAY BOOZE.

Meet Bob.
PLEASE DON'T GIVE US A BAD REVIEW!
Bob reviews every restaurant he goes to on Yelp.
And every indie album he gets on iTunes.
"ONE STAR...
JERUNE AT BEST."
TYPE TYPE TYPE
And every place he rents on Air BNB.
"HOST DID NOT PROVIDE MINI MINT ON PILLOW."
And every book he buys on Amazon.
"BOB USED TO BE JUST AN AVERAGE GUY."
But now Bob impacts the business of everyone he encounters.
MY LATE HUSBAND AND I EXACTLY AS YOU ASKED FOR.
Please, Bob, I need this job.
WELCOME TO THE AGE OF BOB.
BWAH HA HAA
DUMB. STRIP.
ZERO STARS.
THAT'S A HARSH, BOB.

¡Cómo están,
estrelllas!
¡LA VACA!
¡LA VACA!
¡ADIOS CABALLEROS!
We apologize for any inconvenience.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO EXPAND MY MIND A LITTLE AND CAME UP WITH WHAT I THINK IS MY MOST BRILLIANT CHARACTER SO FAR... SPANISH-SPEAKING-CHICKEN-IN-A-LEVITATING-FRYING-PAN.
HOLA.
STATES SHOULD STOP LEGALIZING MARIJUANA.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
FORGIVENESS.
I AGREE.
AND YET I'M STILL WAITING FOR THE IDIOTS AROUND ME TO ASK ME FOR IT.
MAYBE I COULD GET A JOB SELLING INSURANCE.

I WANT TO GO OUT TO DINNER ALONE, BUT I'M WORRIED WHAT PEOPLE WILL THINK.
DO YOU WANT THE GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS FIRST?
GOOD NEWS.
PEOPLE DON'T THINK THAT MUCH ABOUT YOU.
BAD NEWS.
PEOPLE DON'T THINK THAT MUCH ABOUT YOU.
THAT'S ALMOST REASSURING.
LIVE YOUR LIFE, SAYS THE UNIVERSE.