Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
FILLING OUT THIS PERSONALITY QUESTIONNAIRE. BUT I DON'T GET THIS ONE QUESTION. IT ASKS WHAT I WANT MY "LEGACY" TO BE.
LEGACY IS WHAT YOU LEAVE BEHIND FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS.
A WHOLE LOT OF CHEESE WRAPPERS.
DON'T KNOW HOW THAT'S RELEVANT.

GRRRRRR
TERRY JOHNSON
234 MAIN ST.
SPRINGFIELD
Dear Terry...
WHAT YOU SAID TO ME TODAY WAS MORONIC!!
P.S. YOU'RE A FATTIE.
One stamp please.
WHY LETTERS ARE BETTER THAN E-MAIL.
OOOH... I SHALL REPLY TO THAT HASTILY.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HIDING THIS PLATE OF COOKIES FROM MRS.IE. IT'S EITHER THAT OR I SCARF DOWN EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
THEY'RE HIDDEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
GETTING AWAY FROM TECHNOLOGY AND STEPPING OUT INTO NATURE TO RESTORE THE SOUL AND ENJOY GOD'S GREEN CREATION.
THAT'S A CELL PHONE TOWER.
TECHNOLOGY'S WINNING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING A BLUES SONG. I LOVE THE GRITTY DESPERATION THAT COMES WITH THE BLUES.
SO WHAT'S YOUR SONG ABOUT?
HOW MY 401K PLAN IS WEIGHTED SLIGHTLY TOO HEAVILY IN TECH STOCKS.
THAT RIPS MY SOUL IN TWO.
THE BLUES CAN DO THAT.

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY TOE. I SHOULD LOOK UP WHAT IT IS ONLINE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT… WE HAVE THE I.D. LAW.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE LAW OF INTERNET DIAGNOSES: ANY AILMENT YOU LOOK UP ONLINE IS ALWAYS AND WITHOUT A DOUBT FATAL.
WELL, THAT SURE SAVES TIME.
YEAH, AND YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH LEFT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I STARTED WRITING BLUES SONGS. I LOVE THE GRIT AND THE HONESTY AND THE DESPERATION.
SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE THE BLUES ABOUT?
TRADER JOE'S WAS OUT OF MY FAVORITE COOKIES.
THEY'RE REALLY GOOD COOKIES.

HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE THE INTERNET?
HOW WOULD I KNOW?!
I'M NOT SOME BIG TECHNOLOGY GUY.
LOOK IT UP IN A DICTIONARY.
Internet:
A place where unhappy people take out their frustrations on others.
IT WAS LESS TECHNOLOGICAL THAN YOU'D THINK.

AHH, A NEW DAY! TIME FOR MY MORNING ROUTINE.
A LITTLE STRETCHING.
A NICE WALK.
A WARM SHOWER.
AND TO THE CAFE FOR A TASTY BAGEL AND COFFEE.
AND A QUICK PEEK AT SOCIAL MEDIA.
YOU STUPID IDIOT
KILL YOURSELF
YOU MONSTER
YOU LOSER
MORON
I HATE YOU
I THINK I FOUND SOMETHING TO LEAVE OUT OF MY MORNING ROUTINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I HAD TO PUT MY PHONE IN THE FRIDGE. I GOT THAT WARNING THAT SAID IT HAD GOTTEN TOO HOT.
YEAH. FROM THE SUN.
SEXY TEXTS.
SOMETIMES I REGRET ASKING QUESTIONS.

WORLD PEACE
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE NAIVE TO THINK THAT YOUR SILLY BOOTH WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
CRACK
WORLD PEACE
IT'S WORLD PEACE I SEEK, BUT IT'S LOCAL PEACE THAT ELUDES ME.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, PIG?
ONE OF THOSE GIANT CINNAMON ROLLS.
PIG, THAT’S ROUGHLY A THIRD OF ALL THE TOTAL CALORIES THEY RECOMMEND YOU EAT IN A DAY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT I SHOULD EAT TWO MORE A DAY TO BE HEALTHY.
NO.
FINE. I’LL EAT FOUR, BUT NO MORE.

WELL, I'M TAKING OFF. GONNA HEAD OUT TO THE CAFE.
FSSSSSSS
BUG REPELLENT?
PEOPLE REPELLENT. THEY'RE MUCH MORE OF A PROBLEM.
THEY REALLY DO AVOID HIM.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST HIS PERSONALITY.

FIND ME IRRESISTIBLE
YOU CAN’T COMMAND PEOPLE TO FIND YOU IRRESISTIBLE.
FIND ME IRRESISTIBLE
FIND ME SOMEWHAT HUGGABLE

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO LEAD MY LIFE?
YES.
DON'T LET OTHERS TELL YOU HOW TO LEAD YOUR LIFE.
I'M MORE CONFUSED THAN EVER.

A MAGIC GENIE
YES! I’M HERE TO GRANT YOU ANY WISH.
I WANT TO LIVE FOREVER!
AH, GOOD, GOOD.
BUT FIRST I MUST ASK… HAVE YOU EVER HAD ANY EMOTIONAL PAIN IN YOUR LIFE?
YEAH, OF COURSE.
AND HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN IT?
NO. I CAN’T. I REMEMBER IT ALMOST EVERY DAY.
IMAGINE A BILLION MORE YEARS OF ACCUMULATED PAIN.
I SETTLED FOR A PIZZA AND A BEER.

DO YOU HAVE MANY REGRETS?
NO. AT MOST JUST ONE.
WHAT'S THE ONE?
HOW I'VE LIVED MY ENTIRE LIFE.
IF YOU COULD JUST CHANGE THAT.
THERE'D BE NO STOPPING ME.

OH, NO, FRED... YOU'RE DYING... DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST WORDS?
YES. *COUGH COUGH*. I WISH I HAD SPENT MORE TIME ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
ACK...
IT'S TITLED, "WORDS NOBODY SAID EVER."
AWW... I'LL POST THIS ON FACEBOOK.

WHAT'S THIS?
AN EMOTIONAL REST STOP. I GOT THE IDEA FROM HIGHWAY REST STOPS FOR DRIVERS.
THIS ONE IS A PLACE FOR YOU TO JUST TAKE STOCK OF YOUR LIFE AND REALIZE YOU'RE DOING THE BEST THAT YOU CAN.
I MAY BE HERE ALL WEEK.

DO YOU THINK YOU PUT OFF THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO DO, LIKE YOUR TAXES, BY DOING OTHER, UNNECESSARY TASKS?
NO. NOT ME. WASTE OF TIME.
WELL, OFF TO ORGANIZE MY RUBBER BANDS BY COLOR AND THICKNESS.
UN-COLOR-COORDINATED RUBBER BANDS ARE THE WORST.

MARRIAGE YEAR FIVE
YOU CAUSE SO MANY PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE!!!
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE YOU!!
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE YOU?
MARRIAGE YEAR FIFTY
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE YOU?
FAR TOO SWEET.
JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT? DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD?
YEAH, BUT IT DOESN'T AFFECT ME.
HOW DO YOU MANAGE THAT?
BAD NEWS REPELLENT.
HOPE IT COMES IN JUMBO SIZE.
AWW, WORLD, YOU SILLY, SILLY PLACE.

THE PHASES
OF WAITING
TO HEAR BACK
FROM SOMEONE
ON SOMETHING
IMPORTANT
PHASE 1: PATIENCE
It's only been a few days. Give them time.
PHASE 2: EXPLANATIONS
They're busy or just not back yet.
PHASE 3: DOUBLE-CHECKING
FedEx: I'm not seeing it in my package information. Did it get delivered?
PHASE 4: SELF-DOUBT
Did I do something wrong?
PHASE 5: SELF-HATRED
I'm a loser and nobody likes me.
PHASE 6: ANGER
THEY'RE LOSERS AND NOBODY LIKES THEM!
PHASE 7: CONSUMED BY VENGEANCE
YOU TRY TO PASS IT OFF AS INDIFFERENCE
Not that I care or anything, but I hope they fall off a cliff and are eaten by crows.
PHASE EIGHT:
USE ANONYMOUS PLATFORM TO VENT FEELINGS
WHAT'S
A PLATFORM
IF YOU CAN'T
USE IT
HAHAHA.
I'M ALWAYS
IN PHASE
FIVE.

WHAT'S THE SINGLE BEST WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT?
WELL, IF I HAVE TO PICK JUST ONE, I GUESS IT'S EATING LESS.
WHAT'S THE SECOND BEST WAY?
REGULAR EXERCISE.
WHAT'S THE THIRTY-FIRST BEST WAY?
HOW FAR DOWN THE LIST DO WE NEED TO GO?
'TIL WE GET TO THE COUCH-SITTING ONE.

WELL, RAT, I DID OUR CHECKBOOK AND WE'RE FLAT BROKE.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
SPEND MONEY WE DON'T HAVE!
FRUGALITY'S FOR SUCKERS.