Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M IN A TERRIBLE MOOD TODAY, SO STAY AWAY FROM ME OR I'LL BRING YOU DOWN TOO.
AWW... I BET IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
I'LL STAY AWAY.

Hey, zeeba neighba. Whuh you is read?
A BUNCH OF SELF-HELP BOOKS.
Self-help? Why you is need dat?
I'M FINALLY STARTING TO TAKE AN HONEST LOOK AT MY LIFE AND ANALYZE WHO I REALLY AM.
You is hamburger with legs.
Why he need book for dat?

DO YOU LIKE CROSSWORDS?
YEAH.
MY FAVORITES ARE, "TO @#$% WITH YOU, MORON."
I SAID "CROSSWORDS," NOT "CROSS WORDS."
"TO @#$% WITH YOU, MORON."

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR GUARD DUCK? I HEAR HE'S BEEN PRETTY LOST NOW THAT THERE ARE NO MORE WARS TO FIGHT.
NO. BEEN TOO BUSY ON THE PHONE ARGUING WITH MY HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY.
GOOD NEWS, SIR. WE'VE DECIDED TO PAY FOR YOUR ENTIRE PROCEDURE.
YOU HAVE? WHY?
WE LIKE TO DO RIGHT BY OUR CUSTOMERS.
IT'S NICE WHEN THEY DO THE RIGHT THING.

GOODBYE, SIR. I'M OFF TO DO MY DUTY AND FIGHT IN THE WAR.
BUT WE'RE NOT AT WAR ANYMORE, LITTLE GUARD DUCK.
SO WHAT DO I DO NOW?
YOU JUST RELAX.
GOT ANY NEIGHBORS YOU DON'T LIKE?
GO TO YOUR ROOM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO REMEMBER THE WORD FOR WHEN YOU KEEP UP TO DATE WITH THE NEWS.
ABREAST?
OH, THIS IS MATURE.
CAN WE DO ABOUT NEXT?

I'M NEVER HAPPY.
YOU KNOW, RAT, HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE.
IT IS?
YES.
THEN TELL ME WHO'S BEEN MAKING THOSE CHOICES SO I CAN KICK HIM IN THE REAR.
LET ME START OVER.
NO, SERIOUSLY. GIMME A NAME.

WHAT'S THIS STRIP YOU'RE DOING?
WELL, THIS GUY IS MAKING FUN OF THIS HORSE'S WIFE AND SAYING SHE HAS A FUNNY MANE.
KEEP MY WIFE'S MANE OUT YO' GIMPMOUTH!
I LIKE THIS TREND.

HEY, THE DEBATE HAS A COMMERCIAL BREAK.
LET'S HURRY AND GET SNACKS!
YEAH. I DON'T WANT TO MISS ANY OF THESE TWO MORONS YELLING AT EACH OTHER.
AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR, FORMER PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN...
AT WHAT POINT SHALL WE EXPECT THE APPROACH OF DANGER? SHALL WE EXPECT SOME TRANS-ATLANTIC GIANT TO STEP THE OCEAN AND CRUSH US AT A BLOW? NEVER.
ALL THE ARMIES OF EUROPE, ASIA AND AFRICA COMBINED COULD NOT BY FORCE TAKE A DRINK FROM THE OHIO OR MAKE A TRACK ON THE BLUE RIDGE IN A TRIAL OF A THOUSAND YEARS.
IF DESTRUCTION BE OUR LOT, WE MUST OURSELVES MUST BE ITS AUTHOR AND FINISHER.
AS A NATION OF FREE MEN, WE MUST LIVE THROUGH ALL TIME OR DIE BY SUICIDE.
MISS ANYTHING?
I DON'T THINK SO.
SEEN THAT BEARDED GUY?

I THINK I FIGURED OUT WHAT MY PROBLEM IS.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S THAT LIFE IS AN AIRPLANE RIDE.
AND I'M ALWAYS IN BOARDING GROUP 6.
NO OVERHEAD SPACE LEFT FOR YOU.
WHO ARE THESE BOARDING GROUP ONE-STERS?

DID YOU LOOK FOR A JOB YESTERDAY?
I WANTED TO, BUT MY DISABILITY FLARED UP.
WHAT'S THE DISABILITY?
SOFTITIS.
WHAT IS IT?
AN ABNORMALLY STRONG DESIRE TO LIE ON ONE'S SOFA AND DO NOTHING.
PROBABLY NOT A DISABILITY.
OFTEN ACCOMPANIED BY BEERTOSIS GUZZLETIS.

HEY, THERE... CLEVER NAME FOR AN ICE CREAM SHOP... I'LL TAKE TWO.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
THANKS FOR HOLDING MY ICE CREAM.
WE MIGHT HAVE CONFUSED THIS GENTLEMAN.

CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
YEAH, BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE WILL BE NO TIP, BECAUSE YOU TOOK TWENTY MINUTES TO GET OVER HERE.
OKAY.
GREAT.
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW 'TIPS' IS 'SPIT' SPELLED BACKWARD.
I THINK I’LL SKIP FOOD.
I MAY HAVE STRATEGIZED POORLY.

AND WHAT CAN I GET YOU TWO TO DRINK?
GIVE US YOUR BEST WINE.
I HAAAAATE MY JOB... IT IS SOOOOOO BORING AND THE CUSTOMERS ARE SOOOOOOO STUPID...
WAITERS SHOULD ABSTAIN FROM ALL FORMS OF HUMOR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRACKING HOW MY LAST YEAR WENT.
AND?
WELL, COMPARED TO PRIOR YEARS, I FAILED AT THINGS A LOT FEWER TIMES.
WHAT WAS THE KEY?
ATTEMPTING THINGS A LOT FEWER TIMES.
I SEE.
TURNS OUT TRYING WAS THE BIG MISTAKE.

OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, WHO I RESPECT SO MUCH, IS IT TRUE THAT NEWS BROADCASTS WERE ONCE REQUIRED TO BE HONEST?
YES, IT WAS CALLED THE "FAIRNESS DOCTRINE" AND IT REQUIRED BROADCASTS TO PRESENT ISSUES OF PUBLIC IMPORTANCE IN A MANNER THAT WAS HONEST AND BALANCED.
THE GOVERNMENT GOT RID OF IT.
AND DID THAT MATTER IN TERMS OF PEOPLE GETTING RELIABLE INFORMATION?
IT'S ONE OF THE COMMUNIST DONKEYS USING PIZZA TO MICROCHIP OUR TOES!
DONKEYS ARE NO-GOOD COMMUNISTS.
I'LL TWEET THAT.
NO TOES FOR FOES!

OFTEN WHEN I WALK INTO A CAFE, THERE WILL BE ONE TABLE LEFT, BUT FIRST I HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE FOR MY COFFEE.
BUT WHILE I'M WAITING, SOME PERSON WHO CAME IN AFTER ME CLAIMS THE TABLE BEFORE THEY'VE EVEN GOTTEN THEIR COFFEE, IN EFFECT JUMPING THE LINE FOR TABLES.
AND THAT'S WHY I HATE PEOPLE!
YOU MIGHT BE TOO TIGHTLY WOUND.
REALLY, I SHOULD NEVER LEAVE HOME.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHY ARE WE PUT HERE ON EARTH?
TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
WHERE DOES ACQUIRING AS MUCH LOOT AS WE CAN COME IN?
IT DOESN'T.
ONE OF US HAS BEEN BADLY MISINFORMED.

LOOK AT THIS... A GROUP OF ZEBRAS IS CALLED A DAZZLE. THAT MAKES US SOUND SO FLASHY AND HIP. HOW 'BOUT HIPPOS? WHAT COOL NAME DID YOU GUYS GET?
A BLOAT.
SORRY.
NOTHING YEARS OF THERAPY CAN'T ERASE.

AND I THINK THAT
POLITICIAN IS
NUTS!!
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING
BOB?
SHOUTING INTO
A DEEP, DARK
WELL IN THE HOPE
OF INFLUENCING
OTHERS.
AND?
ODDLY,
IT'S NOT
WORKING.
I CALL IT
'SOCIAL
MEDIA
EXPLAINED.'
AWWW...
SHOUTING
AS ITS OWN
REWARD.

HOW MANY YEARS OLD ARE YOU, STEPH?
YOU KNOW, PIG, I DON'T THINK YEARS ARE A GOOD MEASUREMENT OF AGE.
OH, YOU MEAN IT'S BETTER TO GO BY EXPERIENCE OR WISDOM YOU'VE GAINED?
NUMBER OF TIMES YOU GO THE BATHROOM AT NIGHT.
HEY, TWO IS FINE.
WHOA. OLD.

MY BEST DAYS ARE AHEAD OF ME.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE IF THEY'VE PASSED, SOMEONE OWES ME A REFUND.
LIFE DOESN'T GIVE THEM.
CAN I AT LEAST GET MY DEPOSIT BACK?

Hey, Bob. How are you doing?
This is my Sue. He peacefully protested last night.
Hey, Sue. How are--
If you don't care about what's happening in China you're part of the problem.
This is my wife and me in Morocco. This is my wife and me in Vietnam. This is my wife and me in Thailand...
If you voted for that guy, you're a moron and never speak to me again!!
AHHHHHHHH
I don't want to go there.
And yet we do.
BAD APPS! BAD APPS!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU MAKE?
PIG, NEIGHBOR BOB DOESN'T WANT TO ANSWER A QUESTION LIKE THAT. IT'S NOT POLITE.
OH.
PLEASE, IF YOU WILL, TELL ME HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE, THANK YOU.
STILL DIDN'T ANSWER.

PARDON ME, BUT I'M WITH "PEOPLE FOR CONGRESSMAN BOB" AND I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS PAMPHLET.
ALSO, I LOVE THE LANDSCAPING. NICE, BIG SANDBOX FOR A YARD. YOU MUST HAVE KIDS, WHICH IS GOOD. MEANS YOU CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE.
ALSO, I SEE I'M SINKING. IS THIS BY CHANCE QUICKSAND?
IT IS.
WE'LL DO THIS EVERY ELECTION YEAR.