Pearls Before Swine | Search

I HEAR YOU WENT TO WORK FOR AN ONLINE NEWS SITE.
YEAH. WITH HIGH JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS AND A GREAT MOTTO.
OH, YEAH? I'VE ALWAYS LOVED THE WASHINGTON POST'S MOTTO: "DEMOCRACY DIES IN DARKNESS". WHAT'S YOURS?
"WHAT A KICK, I MADE YOU CLICK."
THAT'S ALMOST JOURNALISM.
IT IS IF THEY CLICK.

THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL.
THAT'S A VERY MATURE ATTITUDE.
INSTEAD, GET SO POWERFUL THAT YOU CAN CONTROL ALL THOSE THINGS.
SPOKE TOO SOON.
BECOMING A DICTATOR IS BEST.

HELLO?
HEY, IT'S RAT. WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU? YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO THE STORE, BUT IT'S BEEN HOURS.
OH, BIG, LONG LINES. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS. THEY ONLY LET IN SO MANY PEOPLE AT A TIME.
OKAY. JUST WANTED TO BE SURE YOU WEREN'T SO DESPERATE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE THAT YOU SECRETLY SNUCK OFF TO EXPLORE THE WORLD.
HAHA... NOOO... JUST SHOPPING FOR GROCERIES WITH MY GOOD OL' MASK ON.
I WON'T TELL IF YOU DON'T.
THE QUARANTINE MADE ME DO IT.

I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW LEXUS.
YEP.
IN THE OLD DAYS THAT WOULD HAVE MADE ME REALLY JEALOUS. BUT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT, AND NOW I NO LONGER FEEL THAT EMOTION.
REALLY?
YEAH. NOW I JUST WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE JEALOUSY.
NO. NOW I GO STRAIGHT TO ANGER.

HELLO, ALL! TODAY WILL BE A GRAND DAY!
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT WITH ALL THAT'S GOING ON IN THE NEWS?
I'VE CHOSEN TO BECOME WOEFULLY UNINFORMED.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.

I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF CONTACT TRACING AND THE GOVERNMENT TRACKING OUR MOVEMENT. IT'S INTRUSIVE AND ERODES OUR RIGHT OF PRIVACY.
YOU'VE POSTED EVERYWHERE YOU'VE GONE FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS ON FACEBOOK.
IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN I DO THE ERODING.
OH, LOOK, PHOTOS OF EVERYWHERE YOU'VE EVER EATEN.

I THINK THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
THAT'S VERY TRUE.
SO MAKE SURE THE STUFF YOU'VE GOT IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE'S.
YOU MAY HAVE MISSED THE POINT.
STEAL IF YOU HAVE TO.

HELLO, WISE ASS ON THE HILL. I SEE YOU’RE WEARING A MASK. ARE YOU AFRAID OF CATCHING THE VIRUS, YOU BIG WUSS?
HEY, DILLWEED...THE MASK DOESN'T SAVE ME. IT SAVES YOU.
BOOT
BUT NOT FROM THAT.

I JUST BOOKED A TRIP TO EUROPE FOR NEXT FEBRUARY.
WHAT ABOUT THE VIRUS?
IT'LL BE OKAY. WE GET THE VACCINE IN JANUARY.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
I'M WILLING IT INTO EXISTENCE!
CAN WE DO THAT?
I'M DOING THE SAME WITH THE MONEY I'LL NEED.

LOOK, RAT, A MAGIC LAMP!
RUB IT, DUDE!
A GENIE!
WAIT...WAIT...WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT?
OH, YEAH, SORRY. WITH THIS WHOLE COVID THING, I DON'T BOTHER GETTING DRESSED UP IN THE MORNINGS.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT OUR WISHES?
SORRY, GUYS. ALL OUT. THERE'S BEEN SOME WISH HOARDING.
SO WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING IN THE MAGIC LAMP?
SOCIAL DISTANCING. UNTIL YOU RUINED IT.
EVEN GENIES ARE TERRIBLE NOW.
HEY, MIND IF I MAKE SOME ZOOM CALLS?

SO THEY'RE HAVING THESE AUDITIONS FOR THE NEW PLAY DOWNTOWN AND...
GUESS WHO GOT THE LEAD!
WAIT. THE LEAD FOR WHAT?
FOR THEIR MECHANICAL PENCILS.
COMIC STRIPS SHOULD COME WITH AUDIO VERSIONS.
IT'S A REAL LIMITATION.

When you don't have a musical about daisies.
VOCAB QUIZ
DEFINE LACKADAISICAL
MAYBE I COULD QUIT TEACHING AND MOVE TO MOROCCO.
WILL THAT BE ON THE QUIZ?

HEY, PIG... YOU DOING ANYTHING TODAY?
I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING SOMEWHERE. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
SOUNDS GREAT. WHERE YOU GOING?
MY GARAGE AND BACK.
DESPERATE TIMES.
I'M SO HAPPY I COULD CRY.

HEY, ART, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. JUST WANT TO BE SURE YOU GOT THE NEW SOCIAL DISTANCING GUIDELINES FROM THE C.D.C.
YEAH, SIX FEET.
RIGHT, THAT'S THE GENERAL RULE, BUT THEN THERE ARE MORE SPECIFIC ONES.
THERE ARE?
YEA. FOR ANNOYING NEIGHBORS, IT'S 35 MILES.
I'M GOING INSIDE NOW.
I'LL PUT THIS ON YOUR LAWN.

I STARTED SELLING A GIF OF THOSE THREE JUMPING DOTS YOU SEE WHEN SOMEONE IS WRITING A TEXT TO YOU.
WHAT FOR?
YOU SEND IT TO PEOPLE WHO TEXT YOU TOO MUCH. THEN THEY THINK YOU'RE WRITING THEM BACK WHEN REALLY YOU'RE JUST DRINKING AND IGNORING YOUR PHONE.
I HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE BRILLIANT.
HANG ON, GUYS, MY GIRLFRIEND'S SENDING A SUPER-LONG TEXT.

-Drive to work.
- Dentist.
- Office parties.
TO-DO LIST?
Things I didn't miss this year.
OH.
IS "INTERACTION WITH PEOPLE" TOO BROAD?

PIG!
NEIGHBOR BOB!
WELCOME, PIG!
LONG TIME, NO SEE.
TO A WHOLE DAY OF EATING, DRINKING AND BEING TOGETHER.
ONE WHOLE DAY.
ONE DAY.
ONE DAY.

DID YOU SEE THESE NEW GUIDELINES FROM THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL?
OH, GREAT... HERE WE ALL ARE AGAINST THIS DISEASE CONTROLLING OUR LIVES AND THESE GUYS ARE FOR IT.?
I THINK I’VE LOST YOU.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME MY TAXES PAY FOR THAT.

HEY RAT, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
WINE. I SPLURGED LIKE A RICH PERSON AND BOUGHT A $1000 BOTTLE OF CABERNET, WHICH I'M ABOUT TO TRY.
WINE. DRINK DRINK DRINK
WELL, WHAT'S IT TASTE LIKE?
WINE.
EVER FEEL LIKE ALL OF LIFE IS ONE BIG HOAX?
YES! AND I'M NEVER IN ON IT!

MY DAILY WORRIES BROKEN DOWN BY PERCENTAGES:
40%: WORRIES ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED.
30%: WORRIES ABOUT THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN.
29%: WORRIES ABOUT THINGS THAT MAY HAPPEN.
1%: NOT WORRYING AND THEREBY WORRYING THAT I'M LETTING MY GUARD DOWN.
FUN DAY.
I WORRIED YOU'D SAY THAT.

WELL, PIG, I'VE DISCOVERED A VACCINE.
FOR THE VIRUS?
STUPIDITY. IT'S CALLED READING.
DOES MY FACEBOOK FEED COUNT?
YEAH, THAT WORSENS THINGS.

HEY, RAT, WANT REPEATED VEGETABLES FOR DINNER? OR "RE-VEG," AS I CALL THEM.
WHAT IS THAT?
SAME VEGGIES AS LAST NIGHT. REPETITION MAKES THEM TASTE BETTER.
DON'T YOU AT LEAST WARM THEM UP?
RE-VEG IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD.
I'LL REMEMBER THAT WHEN I BEAT YOU WITH A CUCUMBER.

TODAY IS GONNA BE A WONDERFUL DAY!
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE BY MY COUNT, WE'VE HAD 120 STRAIGHT BAD ONES.
AND OUR LUCK CHANGES NOW!
LAST THING I ALWAYS SAID BEFORE LOSING AT THE CRAPS TABLE.
UH OH, DON'T CHECK YOUR TWITTER FEED.

Catch fairy here
HI, MAGIC FAIRY MARY.
HIYA, PIG.
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
I NEED YOU TO FIX THE WHOLE WORLD. THE VIRUS. THE RACISM. THE PLANET. THE HUNGRY.
OKAY, JUST ONE PROBLEM.
WHAT’S THAT?
I DON’T EXIST.
But you do.

HEY, GOAT. I SEE ON MY PHONE THAT YOU CALLED. WHAT DO YOU NEED?
DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO MY MESSAGE?
WHY SHOULD I?
WHEN I CAN JUST CALL YOU BACK AND ASK WHAT YOU WANT?
THEN WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER LEAVING MESSAGES?
BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU WON'T REMEMBER WHY YOU CALLED?
WHY DID I CALL?
DON'T KNOW.
DIDN'T LISTEN.