Pearls Before Swine | Search

DO YOU THINK OUR GOVERNMENT WOULD EVER TRY TO GET ALL OF OUR GENETIC INFORMATION SO THEY CAN BETTER TRACK US AND KNOW OUR GENETIC VULNERABILITIES?
NO. FIRST OFF, HOW WOULD THEY GET IT? IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE ALL GONNA LINE UP AND VOLUNTARILY GIVE THEM THAT.
GUYS! I JUST PAID FOR ONE OF THOSE GENETIC TESTS AND FOUND OUT I'M HALF ITALIAN!
AM I PARANOID OR BRILLIANT?
EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO LIVE IN THE WOODS.

LOOK AT THIS WAR FILM. THE SOLDIER FOR THIS ONE SIDE IS WAVING THE WHITE FLAG.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS HE'S GIVING UP... SURRENDERING... IT'S ALL TOO MUCH... AND HE KNOWS HE CAN'T WIN.
IT DOESN'T APPLY TO YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE.
NUTS. THOUGHT I COULD GIVE UP AND GO NAP.

THANK YOU, SENATOR, FOR HEARING ME OUT IN ONE OF THESE ISSUES. I'M JUST AN AVERAGE CITIZEN.
DON'T BE SILLY. I DID EVERYTHING I CAN TO HELP.
SO YOU'LL VOTE FOR THE BILL?
OH-H-H, LOVE TO, BUT SOME BIG INDUSTRIES MIGHT GET A TAD BIT ANGRY.
BUT YOU'D BE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
YES, YES. JUST GIVE ME MOOLA.
SO?
SO?
SO WITHOUT IT, I CAN'T WIN RE-ELECTION.
BUT WHO CARES?!?
I DO. BECAUSE I RE-ELECTION.
But if you didn't, you could do the right thing.
YES BUT I WON'T.
No.
Because this is all about you.
BINGO!
It's always exciting when you concern figure out government.
SINCE WHEN DOES AN AVERAGE PERSON GET A MEETING WITH A SENATOR?
YEAH, IT'S MUCH TOO HOPEFUL.
YOU WAS THE MAGIC WORD? YOU WAS THE MAGIC WORD?

SIR, THERE'S SOMEONE STEALING PACKAGES FROM PEOPLE'S PORCHES.
I HEARD. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
I'M THINKING WE COULD PLANT MINES AROUND THE TULIPS.
NO, I'LL GUARD DUCK. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
BOOM
PERHAPS WE SHOULD HAVE WEEKLY MEETINGS.

HAHA... IS THAT THE iPHONE 5?
YEAH... WHY?
THAT'S PRETTY OLD TECHNOLOGY, PAL.
ACTUALLY, I READ AN ARTICLE ON WHY IT'S GOOD TO KEEP YOUR OLD PHONE... I'LL EMAIL IT...
TO YOUR A.O.L. ADDRESS!
THAT HURTS.
DOES YOUR COMPUTER STILL MAKE THAT 'DIAL-UP' SOUND?

The key to a good weekly diet is to be realistic.
So to start out, pick one day where you'll always eat healthy.
Leap Year
THIS SHOULD WORK OUT WELL.

COWA-BUNGA!!
SPLOOT
EVER FEEL LIKE THE WORLD'S OUT TO GET YOU?

HEY, DUDE.
WASSUP?
HEY, BRO. 'SPOSED TO BE READING FOR CLASS, BUT BOOKS ARE SO LAME.
ME TOO.
ME TOO.
YEAH, MAN. I AGREE.
RUN! RUN! IT'S A DUMBNADO!
THEY SHOULD NOT LET DUMB PEOPLE CONGREGATE.

DRAWING RIGHT TRIANGLES?
MOOD
7 a.m.
9 a.m.
11 a.m.
AVOID RAT ON MONDAYS.

AND IN OTHER NEWS TONIGHT…
OH, GOODNESS, I’M SORRY.
SORRY FOR WHAT?
BRINGING YOU DOWN EVERY DAY. KEEPING YOU UP EVERY NIGHT.
I KNOW. BUT STILL. LISTEN, LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
HOW?
COME HERE.
THERE’S LOTS OF GOOD IN THE WORLD, TOO.
REMEMBER THAT.
BUT HERE’S A BOTTLE OF GIN JUST IN CASE.
NEWS LADY THINKS OF EVERYTHING.

WELCOME TO OUR BEGINNERS MEDITATION COURSE. FIRST THING I'D LIKE YOU ALL TO DO IS CLOSE YOUR EYES… BREATHE DEEP… AND LET GO… LET GO OF ALL YOUR ANGER.
AARRGGHH
CRACK
NOT THAT WAY.
SORRY. HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.

HI, RAT... WELCOME TO MY PARTY. COME ON IN...
THE GUESTS ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM. THE FOOD AND DRINKS ARE IN THE KITCHEN.
SOCIAL GATHERINGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT THE "SOCIAL" PART.

FIRST HALF OF YOUR LIFE
SECOND HALF OF YOUR LIFE
FINDING FAULT WITH YOUR PARENTS...
REALIZING YOU'RE TOO SIMILAR TO YOUR PARENTS TO KEEP DOING THAT.
TSK TSK TSK
OH.
GOT ANYONE NEW I CAN BLAME?
CHECK OUT THIS GUY.

HEY, GOAT, WHERE WERE YOU LAST WEEKEND?
I WENT TO A WRITERS RETREAT.
RUN! RUN! WRITING'S TOO HARD!!
I'D GIVE UP, TOO.
I'M SO CONFUSED.

HEY STEPH, WERE YOU ALIVE DURING WORLD WAR TWO?
ARE YOU NUTS? THAT WAR ENDED 23 YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN.
I KNOW. I'M JUST SAYING IT FOR PERSPECTIVE.
PERSPECTIVE ON WHAT?
THE FACT THAT YOUR PROM WAS 34 YEARS AGO.
THEN HE GUZZLED RUM AND CRIED.

Dear World,
Please stop
picking on
me.
Seriously.
There are
seven billion
other people.
Surely with
Google Maps
you can find
one.
SOMETIMES THE WORLD
JUST GETS LAZY.

THIS IS WHAT LIFE'S ALL ABOUT, HUH?
#bestsunsetever
35 likes
#bestsunsetever
100 likes
YES!
#bestsunsetever
15 likes
YES.
I REMEMBER WHEN A MOMENT COULD JUST BE A MOMENT.
SAID THE GUY WITH ZERO FOLLOWERS!

YOU'VE BEEN SO GOOD. I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TO THE PARK AND THE ZOO AND THE FAIR.
YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE AWFUL. SO YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. BAD... BAD... BAD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FAVORING MY RIGHT LEG.
HE GETS STRANGER BY THE YEAR.
OKAY, GUESS WHO'S GETTING THE SOCK WITH THE BEE?

I WALKED INTO THIS ROOM FOR A REASON AND NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER WHY.

TO FIND OUT YOU'RE GETTING OLD AND ARE NOW ON THE LONG SLOW ROAD TO THE NURSING HOME.

THAT WASN'T IT.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

HI, MAMA. DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE INTO THE WHOLE PRINCE THING, BUT IF YOU ARE, JUST GIMME A KISS.
PURPLE RAIN PUUURPLE RAIN.
GONNA WASH MY LIPS NOW.
LIIITTLE RED CORVETTE.

HEY, SLOW-TALKING SAL. HOW GOES IT?
I... GOT...
LAID
...OFF.
YOU'RE SHORTENING MY LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
STUDYING AN ADMINISTRATIVE MAP OF LOUISIANA FOR MY GOVERNMENT CLASS.
OH, YEAH? WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?
WELL, THE MOUTH OF THE MISSISSIPPI IS RIGHT HERE. SO I'M WONDERING IF IT FLOODS, WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS COUNTY AND THIS COUNTY.
PARISHES.
THAT POOR COUNTY.
NEVER MIND.

RAT'S INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGE FOR THE DAY
THERE ARE NO LIMITS TO WHAT YOU CAN DO!
Except your lack of skill. That will stop you cold.
I LIKE TO KEEP PEOPLE GROUNDED.

GEE… ARE ALL THOSE YOUR AWARDS?
YES. "MAN OF THE DECADE." "MOST INFLUENTIAL." "HALL OF FAME"... I THINK I’VE WON EVERY AWARD IN MY FIELD.
WELL, AWARDS ARE A VALIDATION OF ONE’S ACHIEVEMENT. AN ASSURANCE THAT ONE WILL BE REMEMBERED LONG AFTER ONE’S PASSING.
…WHICH IS WHY THE CITY COMMISSIONED THIS PLAQUE OUTSIDE MY STUDIO HONORING MY LIFE AND
ACK
I CALL IT, 'WE’RE ALL FORGOTTEN. SO SPEND YOUR LIFE DRINKING BEER.'
I FORGET WHAT THAT NEW DONUT PLACE IS CALLED.

I ACCIDENTALLY DROVE TOO CLOSE TO THE BIKE LANE YESTERDAY AND THIS CYCLIST SPIT ON MY WINDSHIELD.
WELL, THAT'S DISAPPOINTING.
ISN'T IT?
YEAH. HE SHOULD HAVE SMASHED IT WITH HIS BIKE LOCK.
NOT WHAT I WAS THINKING.
DID HE AT LEAST REMIND YOU THAT YOU'RE AN INFERIOR NOTHING?