Pearls Before Swine | Search

LOOK AT THIS STORY ABOUT THIS GUY ON TWITTER. WHAT A JERK. I'M GONNA RETWEET IT WITH MY THOUGHTS.
Rat
You suck. You are scum. You are crap. DIE. DIE. DIE. DIE.
OH, WAIT... TURNS OUT THE STORY'S NOT TRUE.
MAYBE RETWEETS SHOULD HAVE A TEN-DAY WAITING PERIOD.
NO NEED! I'M ON TO THE NEXT THING!

WHAT I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY:
LOVE
AWW...THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU SUCH A GREAT SOUL, PIG. WHAT ELSE COULD ONE WANT FROM LIFE?
MORE PANEL WIDTH?
GLOVES
NEVER MIND.
SO WHY AM I A GREAT SOUL?

HEY, RAT, ARE YOU GONNA MAKE YOUR BED?
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, BUT IT WILL JUST GET UNMADE AGAIN.
SO?
SO I’VE FOUND I SAVE SIGNIFICANT TIME IF I ELIMINATE ALL TASKS THAT JUST GET UNDONE AGAIN LATER.
BUT THAT WOULD INCLUDE DUSTING AND DISHWASHING AND LAWN MOWING AND JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.
AS I SAY… A SIGNIFICANT TIME-SAVER.
HE’S EITHER A GENIUS OR A SUB.
I’LL GO WITH PSYCHO-PATHIC LOON.

WHAT ARE YOU
READING,
GOAT?
'EAT, PRAY, LOVE.' IT'S A WON-
DERFUL MEMOIR CHRONICLING
THIS WOMAN'S SEARCH FOR SPIRI-
TUALITY AND SELF-DISCOVERY.
GEE, I SHOULD WRITE ONE OF
THOSE ABOUT MY OWN LIFE.
Drink,
Fight,
Puke
A Memoir

THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT FIRST DATE, ANNA. FIRST TIME I'VE USED A DATING APP.
YEAH, WELL, YOU HAVE A PRETTY INTRIGUING PROFILE. I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE WHO HAD TWO OSCARS BEFORE. WHAT'D YOU GET THEM FOR?
ABOUT FORTY BUCKS.
THEN SHE SAID SHE HAD TO LEAVE EARLY.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
...AT THE TONE THE TIME WILL BE
BEEP
TIME LADY! YOU'RE STILL THERE!
YES. WHO'S THIS?
IT'S PIG. YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME, BUT I JUST WANTED TO SAY I MISS YOU.
OH. WELL, THANK YOU. YEAH. NOBODY CALLS ME FOR THE TIME ANYMORE. I'M WONDERING IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG.
OH NO, NO, NO, TIME LADY... IT'S JUST, WELL, WE HAVE PHONES NOW THAT TELL US THE TIME RIGHT ON THE SCREEN...
YOUR PHONES HAVE SCREENS?
YEAH. AND A CAMERA. AND IT'S CONNECTED TO EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
OH. GOODNESS. WHAT DO YOU USE THEM FOR?
MOSTLY TO TAKE PICTURES OF OUR FOOD AND MEME.
I'M GONNA TIME WARP AND EMBRACE THE PAST NOW.
WAIT! TAKE ME WITH YOU!

HEY, RAT, WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
ON THE COUCH IN THE DEN.
GOSH. HE SPENDS ALL HIS TIME ON THAT STUPID THING. IF HE'S NOT CAREFUL, HE AND THAT COUCH ARE GONNA BECOME ONE.
TOO LATE.
OH, GOD.
IT'S A GOOD LIFE.

I HEARD YOU FINALLY BEAT YOUR INSOMNIA.
YEAH. I TRIED MEDITATION, COUNTING SHEEP, SLEEP AIDS. BUT NOTHING WORKED. THEN I SUDDENLY FOUND THE SOLUTION ON T.V.
WAS IT A PROGRAM?
YEAH.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
SOCCER.
SOME PEOPLE APPRECIATE IT.
ARE THEY ALL INSOMNIACS?

The Adventures
of Thinkyman...
and the Ponderer!
by Pig
HELP! HELP! MY FOOT IS STUCK
IN THESE ROCKS AND THE TIDE IS RISING!
DO NOT WORRY. WE WILL SAVE YOU!!
BUT FIRST, WE WILL CHECK WITH THE COASTAL COMMISSION TO DETERMINE THE FEASIBILITY OF
SAID ACT AND PERHAPS HOLD PUBLIC HEARINGS!
SADLY, HE DROWNS.
THAT DARN COASTAL COMMISSION.

The Adventures of THINKYMAN!
HELP! HELP! Thinkyman! Our country is under attack!
So Thinkyman rushed...
To his study...
And think...
And think.
City's gone now, Thinky man,
Hush. Still thinking.
AND THAT'S YOUR SUPERHERO?
AND MEET HIS SIDEKICK... THE PONDERER!

I'M SCARED TO GO ANYWHERE THESE DAYS.
YOU SHOULD TALK TO RAT. HE SEEMS TO BE COPING GREAT.
REALLY? WHAT'S HIS SECRET?
BULLETPROOF GLASS BOX.
NOW THIS IS LIVING.

The best way to get in shape is to visualize yourself moving toward your goal.
HARD WORK MOUNTAIN

HOW GOOD INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING WORKS
I DID IT
I DENY EVERYTHING
NEWS PAPER INC
WHOA WHOA WHOA BEFORE RUSHING TO JUDGMENT, LET'S DO THE LEGWORK ON THIS
SO REPORTERS FANMED OUT ALL OVER THE CITY
AND CHECKED AND RE-CHECKED DOCUMENTS
AND TALKED AND TALKED TO WITNESSES
AND ARMED WITH FACTS, THEY APPLIED THE WHITE HOT JOURNALISTIC HEAT TO THEIR SUBJECT
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT. YOU GOT ME! I DID IT!
HOW SOCIAL MEDIA WORKS
DID I MURDER HIM?
GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
I HAVEN'T ANSWERED YET
SORRY. ON TO THE NEXT THING
SO WHO REALLY NEEDS REPORTERS?
INSTA-JUDGMENT IS SOOO MUCH INSTANTER!!!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
TWO POUNDS' WORTH OF CHILI FRIES AND TWO POUNDS' WORTH OF CHEESE. I'M FINALLY TRYING TO BE HEALTHY.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT'S HEALTHY?
BALANCED DIET.
I INTERPRET MY DOCTOR'S ORDERS AS NECESSARY.

GOAT'S CHECKING ACCOUNT STATEMENT ACCIDENTALLY CAME TO OUR HOUSE. I'M SO TEMPTED TO LOOK THROUGH IT AND SEE WHAT HE SPENDS MONEY ON.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'D BE RIGHT.
WHEN IT COMES TO MORAL DILEMMAS LIKE THIS, I ALWAYS APPLY THE "W.W.F.D." TEST.
WHAT'S THAT?
"WHAT WOULD FACEBOOK DO?"
WHOA. HE SURE WASTES A LOT OF CASH.

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I CREATED AN APP THAT TRANSLATES REAL ESTATE AGENT-ESE INTO ENGLISH.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE THIS ONE: LOCATED IN A TRENDY UP-AND-COMING NEIGHBORHOOD: JUST PUT THOSE WORDS INTO THE TRANSLATOR AND YOU GET...
MAY GET SHOT
HOW HELPFUL.
'P.S. YOUR CAR IS TOAST.'

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
AN APP I CREATED. TRANSLATES REAL ESTATE AGENT-ESE INTO ENGLISH.
HOW SO?
WELL, THIS LISTING SAYS, "CHARMING LITTLE FIXER-UPPER." SO YOU PUT THAT INTO THE TRANSLATOR AND SEE THAT IT MEANS...
JUST SET FIRE TO YOUR MONEY NOW.
IT HELPS TO BE FLUENT.

BEHOLD! A TEST I'VE DEVELOPED TO DETERMINE WHICH OF MY SOCIAL MEDIA FRIENDS I SHOULD CULL FROM THE HERD. I DO IT BASED ON WHETHER THEY POST TOO MUCH. BRAG TOO MUCH, ETC.
OOH. CAN I SEE YOUR TEST?
NO. THE FACTORS I USE TO CULL ARE PROPRIETARY.
LET ME SEE! LET ME SEE!
DON'T TOUCH MY TEST TO CULL! DON'T TOUCH MY TEST TO CULL!
COMIC CLOSED TIL FURTHER NOTICE
Have a wholesome day.

DO YOU EVER REMEMBER YOUR DREAMS?
YEAH.
I WAS GONNA BE SUCCESSFUL AND MARRIED AND RICH.
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
YOU'RE REALLY BRINGING ME DOWN.

SURVEY QUESTIONS
Have you chosen to drive a gas-powered vehicle?
Yes No
If so, do you feel guilty about its effect on the environment?
Yes No
Do you think your choices in life are in any way related to a poor diet?
Yes No
If so, do you plan to improve that diet?
Maybe No
Do you wake up early to exercise?
No I'm uninspired.
Will this change?
Hell no
So what's it like to be a fat, lazy turd?
YOUR SURVEY OF NON-CYCLISTS SEEMS KINDA BIASED, JEF.
PLEASE, WE'RE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOUR KIND.
HE DIDN'T ANSWER, WHY BOTHER LIVING?

AH, LOOK... A LITTLE GIRL SELLING LEMONADE... IT'S SO REFRESHING TO SEE A YOUNG GO-GETTER DOING HER BEST TO---
THUD
NOW SOLD CHEAPER AND MORE CONVENIENTLY AT AMAZON.COM
IT WAS NICE WHILE IT LASTED.

THINGS PEOPLE WILL NOT COMPROMISE ON.
AGE 22
LIVING IN A LARGE HOUSE WITH THE BEST SCHOOLS IN TOWN.
HAVING THE RIGHT CAREER THAT IS FULFILLING AND MORALLY RESPONSIBLE.
MARRYING SOMEONE WHO SHARES MY BELIEFS, VALUES, AND PRIORITIES.
SAVING AND INVESTING TO REACH ALL GOALS.
AGE 52
BEER. MUST BE COLD.
LIFE: MOCKER OF PLANS.
ACTUALLY, LUKEWARM BEER IS FINE.

WELL, GUYS, I'M OFF TO GOLF.
YOU GOLF? HOW COME?
BECAUSE I FINALLY REALIZED THERE IS NO POINT TO LIFE, SO I MIGHT AS WELL HIT A LITTLE WHITE BALL AROUND.
BEST EXPLANATION OF GOLF EVER.

I'VE CALLED YOU INTO THE OFFICE, RAT, BECAUSE OF HOW RUDE YOU ARE TO OTHER EMPLOYEES. PEOPLE HAVE TO GIVE YOU A WIDE BERTH.
A BERTH CAUSED BY ME?
YES.
THEN I'D LIKE SIX MONTHS' PATERNITY LEAVE.
LEGALLY, I THINK I HAVE HIM.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU BUILDING A MODEL OF?
DINNER ROLL.
WHY?
EVERYONE NEEDS A ROLL MODEL.
YOU'RE NOT ANYONES.