Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHERE YOU OFF TO, RAT?
MY FIRST ROCKCLIMBING LESSON. I ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY IT.
TERRIFIC... I THINK YOU'LL BE GREAT AT RAPPELING.
THANKS.

DO YOU THINK DRIVING WITH A DEAD GUY IN THE BACK SEAT QUALIFIES YOU TO USE THE CARPOOL LANE?
NO.
BUT THE SIGN SAYS "TWO OR MORE PERSONS."
YES, BUT I DON'T THINK A DEAD GUY COUNTS AS A PERSON...
OH, GOOD. SO IF A COP PULLED ME OVER AND ASKED WHY I HAD A DEAD GUY IN THE BACK SEAT, IT'S OKAY BECAUSE IT'S NOT A PERSON...
WELL, THIS HAS TAKEN A TURN...
MAMA? YOUR BOY WON'T GET THE CHAIR AFTER ALL!!

OH GREAT MAGIC BUNNY, OUR FAITH IS WANING AS WE ALL SUFFER HERE ON EARTH. GIVE US A SIGN! GIVE US COMFORT!
POP
BEER TAP.
I BELIEVE! I BELIEVE!

OH, ALL-POWERFUL MAGIC BUNNY, WHY DO YOU ALLOW SUFFERING IN THE WORLD? WHY DO YOU LET EVIL PREVAIL?
OH, LOOK. I DISAPPEARED.
I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT.
OKAY, WHO WANTS TO SEE A CARD TRICK?

WHEN TIMES GET STRESSFUL LIKE THEY ARE NOW, DO YOU EVER PRAY?
OH, YEAH. I PRAY TO THE MAGIC BUNNY.
NO USE. RUN.
HE COULD BE MORE COMFORTING.

JOY:
The first few seconds after your eyes open in the morning, just before you remember what that day’s worries are.
UNJOY:
The moment you remember.
NOT SURE THAT’S A WORD.
NOW IT IS.

Bobby Book HAD A Message for the MASSES.

Social Media is NOT A RELIABLE SOURCE OF INFORMATION.

WHY NOT, BOBBY BOOK?

Because there are no gatekeepers, so any Yahoo can write anything.

And books?

Books HAVE EDITORS AND PUBLISHERS AND PEOPLE WHOSE JOB IS TO ENSURE THEIR ACCURACY.

So books are perfect?

No. But they're better than social media.

But just as Bobby Book finished, another book appeared.

I am Biffy Book and I am self-published. So any Yahoo can publish me.

Depressed, Bobby Book set fire to himself.

OH, GOOD. WE SHOULD ALL JUST GIVE UP.

JUST NEVER READ BOOKS.

AST. I NEVER LANDED ON THE MOON.
I KNEW IT.

SIR, THERE'S A BIG, LONG HAIR IN MY SPAGHETTI.
YEAH. WE PUT IT THERE.
WHY?
WHADDYA MEAN, WHY? YOU ORDERED THE ANGEL HAIR PASTA.
MAYBE I MISUNDERSTOOD.
I CAME DOWN FROM HEAVEN FOR THIS?!?!? INGROATE?

I'M SO HAPPY FOR NEIGHBOR BOB. HE'S BUYING ONE OF THOSE NEW, FANCY HYBRIDS.
THAT'S WEIRD.
BUYING A HYBRID?
BEING HAPPY FOR SOMEBODY ELSE. I DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS A THING.
YOU CONCERN ME.
NOW SPITE I HAVE DOWN.

Hey, zeeba neighba, whuh you read?
THE STORY OF ADAM AND EVE. THEY LIVED IN PARADISE UNTIL THEY GOT BAD ADVICE AND ATE AN APPLE THEY WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT.
HAHAHA... Whuh kind idiot giv dat advice?
A REPTILE.
Dat very racist.
Sound like work of mammal.

WHATS ALL THIS 'CAP AND TRADE' STUFF I KEEP HEARING ABOUT?
WE CAP THE NUMBER OF IDIOTS AMERICA CAN HAVE AND TRADE THEM TO A COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH.
OOOH... FREE VACATION.

HEY, FATHER GUS. HOW
CAN I BE AT PEACE
WITH THE WORLD?
WELL, THE FIRST
STEP IS TO FORGIVE
THOSE WHO HAVE
WRONGED YOU.
EVEN WRITE IT
DOWN IF IT HELPS.
TO THOSE WHO HAVE
WRONGED ME,
I FORGIVE
YOU.
BUT JUST SO
WE'RE EVEN,
LET ME PUNCH
YOU IN THE FACE.
OOH.
SO
CLOSE.
VENGEANCE
HELPS ME
FORGIVE.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
A PHYSICS BOOK. THIS CHAPTER IS ALL ABOUT THE LAW OF CONSERVATION OF MASS.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S HOW IN A CLOSED SYSTEM, THE AMOUNT OF MASS CANNOT CHANGE OVER TIME.
WOW. THAT HELPS ME WITH A PAPER I'M WRITING.
GREAT.
Why I'm Still Fat by Pig

HEY, PIG. IT'S ME, THE WORLD... COME
OUTSIDE AND ENGAGE WITH ME.
NO. PEOPLE ARE TOO ANGRY NOW.
TOO RACIST. TOO MEAN. I DON'T
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.
AW, C'MON, MAN. THAT'S
HARSH. I'M JUST GOING
THROUGH A THING. LET'S
BE FRIENDS AGAIN.
NO. I'M NOT
GOING OUT TIL
YOU'RE A HAPPY
PLACE AGAIN.
I SEE. CAN I BORROW
A PEN TO WRITE DOWN
YOUR...UH...CONCERNS?
SURE.
TA-DAAAAA
SCRIBBLE
SCRIBBLE
SCRIBBLE
YOU'RE HARD TO
IMPRESS.
I'LL HOPE
THIS WAS JUST A
NIGHTMARE.

HEY, STEPH.. SO WHAT DO YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIEND EMILIO LIKE TO DO WHEN YOU GO ON VACATION?
WELL, ONE THING IS WE MAKE THE 'OKAY' SYMBOL WITH OUR HAND AND HOLD IT SOMEWHERE BELOW OUR WAIST. IF THE OTHER GUY LOOKS AT IT, YOU CAN PUNCH HIM.
BUT YOU HAVE TO WIPE THE PUNCH OFF WITH YOUR HAND AFTER, OR ELSE HE CAN PUNCH YOU.
AREN'T YOU FIFTY YEARS OLD?
OH. AND IF HE CAN STICK HIS FINGER IN THE HOLE WITHOUT LOOKING, HE CAN PUNCH YOU TWICE.

GOALS FOR A MORE MEANINGFUL LIFE:
1) BE MORE DISCIPLINED ABOUT ATTAINING GOALS.
2) MAKE ONLY GOAL NAPPING.
I JUST WON LIFE.

... AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK IS THE SUBTEXT OF THIS BOOK OF POETRY.
THAT'S GREAT, MARCIE. AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, RAT?
I THINK THAT ACCORDING TO THE CALCULATOR ON MY PHONE, THERE ARE ABOUT 40 MILLION MINUTES IN THE AVERAGE HUMAN LIFE, AND WE'VE JUST WASTED SIXTY OF THEM.
PLEASE STICK TO THE READING OF THE POETRY.
OH, RIGHT... WE LOST ALL THOSE MINUTES TOO.

LARRY, I'M LEAVING YOU FOR ANOTHER CROC. HE'S MUCH MORE MANLY THAN YOU.
Who? Dis guy?
Where you even from?
ME? CONCORD, MASSACHUSETTS.
HA. ME CONQUERED CALEFORNIA.
HE HAS SOME LEARNING DIFFICULTIES.
Maassyhussitt muss be easiest place conquer ever.

HEY, PIG, HOW WAS YOUR COSTUME PARTY LAST NIGHT? I HEARD YOU HID SOMEWHERE, THEN POPPED OUT AND ANNOUNCED YOU WERE THAT MOTOWN GUY WHO SANG "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE."
I'M GAYE! I WAS HIDING IN THE CLOSET!
I THINK IT WAS MISCONSTRUED.

HOW VEGAS TRIPS WORK
FIRST HOUR OF TRIP
ALL I DID WAS PUT IN A QUARTER AND I WON FOUR HUNDRED BUCKS!
LAST HOUR OF TRIP
GAMBLING IS STUPID.
TRIP HOME RATIONALIZATION
I LOST MY RENT MONEY, BUT I STILL HAD FUN.
GOOD FOR YOU.

DING DONG DING DONG
CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO, SIR... I AM OPPORTUNITY.
OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS! OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS!
YES. USUALLY. BUT THIS TIME I RANG THE DOORBELL.
OH. WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS I JUST NEED TO USE YOUR JOHN.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOUR LIFE WILL HINGE ON.

CHECK IT OUT... I'M MAKING MY SPECIAL NACHOS. FIRST I DON THIS SOMBRERO. THEN I MELT CHEESE OVER CHIPS AND BEANS AND PUT THIS FINAL BEAN ON TOP.
CAN I TRY?
SURE.
HOW DO I DO IT?
BEAN THERE. DON THAT.
MEXICO SHOULD PAY FOR A WALL AROUND YOU.

HEY, RAT. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A SPORTS FAN.
I'M NOT, REALLY.
THEN WHAT DO YOU HAVE THAT FOR?
HEY, DID ONE OF YOU GUYS EAT MY FRENCH FRIES?
FINGER POINTING-THE KEY TO SURVIVAL.

HELLO?
RAT, IT'S YOUR BOSS AT THE CAFE... WHY AREN'T YOU HERE?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I GET THE DAY OFF.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU TOOK A DAY OFF FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY LAST WEEK.
YES, BUT I BELIEVE IN PAST LIVES AND TODAY'S THE BIRTHDAY OF MY FOURTH INCARNATION, RATILLA THE HUN.
WE NEED TO REVISE THE BIRTHDAY POLICY.
WILL THE CAFE BE SENDING A GIFT?

DID YOU KNOW THAT IF CLIMATE
CHANGE CAUSES THE OCEANS
TO RISE, MUCH OF THE WORLD'S
MOST PRODUCTIVE LAND WILL
BE UNDERWATER?
WHO CAN
SURVIVE
WITH
EVERYTHING
HALF-
SUBMERGED?
FORGOT ABOUT THEM.