Pearls Before Swine | Search

EXCUSE ME, BUT I NOTICE THERE'S A NUMERICAL KEYPAD ON THE BATHROOM DOOR. CAN I GET THE CODE?
SURE. IT'S THE YEAR THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR STARTED.
I DON'T KNOW THE YEAR.
THEN I GUESS YOUR DUMBNESS PRECLUDES YOU.
I LIKE TO INCENTIVIZE READING.

A Message of Hope in these Difficult Times.
by Rat
RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
BEST I COULD DO.

CITIZENS...CITIZENS...CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?
WHO ARE YOU?
TRUTH. AND I'VE TAKEN A REAL BEATING LATELY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
TWEETS. SOCIAL MEDIA. TELEVISION. PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ARE LYING MORE EFFECTIVELY THAN EVER BEFORE.
WHAT DO WE DO, MR. TRUTH?
QUESTION THINGS. QUESTION SOURCES. PAY FOR JOURNALISM. READ HISTORY. THINK CRITICALLY. BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, THINGS ARE GONNA GET MUCH, MUCH WORSE.
THEN WE YAWNED AND BEAT HIM WITH HIS LANTERN.
THE TRUTH HURTS.
HE WAS PROBABLY A SOCIALIST FASCIST TERRORIST.

THIS STORY SAYS THAT WITH THE WORLD'S ICE MELTING AT A RECORD RATE, POLAR BEARS ARE FINDING IT HARDER AND HARDER TO HUNT FOR SEALS.
OH MY GOODNESS... WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO TO SURVIVE?
DOMINO'S? GIMME A LARGE PEPPERONI.

TONIGHT ON THE NEWS, CORRUPT PEOPLE STOPPED BEING CORRUPT, GREEDY PEOPLE STOPPED BEING GREEDY, AND EVERYONE STARTED CARING ABOUT OTHERS.
IN OTHER NEWS, WINGED BUNNIES FLEW OUT OF MY REAR.
IT'S SAD WHEN THE NEWSCASTERS CRACK.
FLY ME AWAY, BUNNIES!

I DON'T GET IT. WOMEN NEVER SEEM TO LIKE ME.
THAT'S BECAUSE WOMEN LIKE TOUGH GUYS, RULE-BREAKERS, RISK-TAKERS.
LADIES, THIS IS MY iPHONE! IT DOES NOT HAVE A PROTECTIVE CASE!!!
KEEP TRYING.
DROPPED THE PHONE.

HEY THERE, SAMMY SPONGE. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I'VE BEEN READING A LOT LATELY, BUT I NEVER SEEM TO RETAIN THE INFORMATION.
THAT'S ODD. I WOULD THINK YOU'D SOAK UP INFO LIKE A--
SPONGE? A SPONGE? I DON'T!!! SO @#$% YOU AND YOUR RACIST METAPHORS!!!
YOU GOTTA WATCH WHAT YOU SAY THESE DAYS.

SO THE PUBLIC RESTROOM HERE HAS A FAUCET AND SOAP DISPENSER THAT START AUTOMATICALLY WHEN I PUT MY HANDS UNDER THEM. AND A HAND DRYER THAT DOES THE SAME.
YEAH. ALL FOR SANITARY REASONS SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO TOUCH ANYTHING.
WHICH IS GREAT.
'TIL IT'S ALL CANCELLED OUT WHEN I HAVE TO PULL THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN!!
YOUR PASSION IS NOTEWORTHY.
HAND-WASHING: A BIG WASTE OF TIME.

HEY NEIGHBOR NANCY, HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. TRYING TO SEE IF I CAN GET MY HAIR PERMED TODAY.
WHO DOES IT?
LO FROM THE COMIC STRIP HI AND LOIS. BUT SHE'LL ONLY DO A FEW PERMS A DAY, SO I HAVE TO CALL AND SEE HOW MANY SHE HAS SCHEDULED.
WHAT'S SHE CALLING ABOUT?
LO'S PERM COUNT.
OKAY, COMIC STRIP OVER.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST GOOD GROOMING?

BUY LOTTERY TICKET.
WIN LOTTERY.
Woo hoo
COLLECT MONEY.
SPEND MONEY.
SPEND MONEY.
SPEND MONEY.
AND THERE'S YOUR NEW RETIREMENT PLAN.
I NEED A NEW FINANCIAL ADVISER.

HEY OUTDOOR QWIE, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO IF YOU'RE IN THE WILD AND A HUGE BEAR CHARGES TOWARD YOU?
WELL, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T RUN.
WHY NOT?
YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE BEAR WORK TOO HARD FOR HIS FOOD.
AWW... HOW THOUGHTFUL.
NOT THE REASON.
DO BEARS KNOW YOU'RE HELPING THEM?

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, COULD I GET A CUP OF COFFEE?
YOU WANT ROOM?
YEAH. ME WANT ROOM. ME WANT SHOWER. ME WANT BED.
IT IS NEVER OKAY TO PUNCH CUSTOMERS.
SURELY, THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS.

English quiz
Use the words "depot" and "cattle" in a sentence.
That's depot calling the cattle black.
ENGLISH IS MY BESTEST SUBJECT.

English quiz
Use "olfactory" in a sentence.
The ol' factory is ugly.
YOUR MOM MUST BE SO PROUD.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, GIMME A DECAF AMERICANO.
CAN I GET A NAME?
SURE.
I'LL CALL YOU "RAT WITH BIG SCHNOZZ".
WE DON'T KICK CUSTOMERS IN THE NETHER REGIONS.

Nothing I like is good for me.
But everything I don't like is.
UNIVERSE, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?
SOMEONE HAD TO ASK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I GOT THIS GUY TO HELP ME MAKE FAKE HUMAN LIMBS.
WHAT FOR?
THE ZOO NEEDS THEM TO REACH INTO THE ANIMAL CAGES.
WHY?
TO PROBE THE ANIMALS' BODIES WHEN THEY'RE SICK OR THEY'VE BROKEN SOMETHING, GETS THEM HABITUATED FOR WHEN THEY HAVE TO USE REAL ARMS AS PROBES.
WHAT ARE YOU MAKING THEM OUT OF? IS THAT BEECHWOOD?
NO, IT AIN'T. I'VE GOT TO BE MADE OF OAK. ZOO MADE OF PINE. AND I MADE OF CEDAR.
SO NO BEECH?
NOPE. I'VE GOT TO PROBE LIMBS. BUT A BEECH AIN'T ONE.
THEY MAKE GOOD HAMMERS.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING PIG?
A LIST OF THE PLACES I WANT TO TRAVEL TO BEFORE I DIE.
TERRIFIC! WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
Nearest hospital
HOPEFULLY, THEY DRIVE FAST.

MORNING, PIG. DID YOU HEAR ALL THE STUFF HAPPENING IN THE NEWS?
NOPE.
FOR I AM PROTECTED BY THE WARM BLANKET O' GOODNESS THROUGH WHICH NO TWEET CAN PENETRATE.
PLEASE GET YOUR OWN WARM BLANKET O' GOODNESS.

RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING SMOKING AGAIN? YOUR DOCTOR SAID IT COULD REALLY SHORTEN YOUR LIFE.
CLIMATE SCIENTISTS SAY COMPLETE ENVIRONMENTAL CATASTROPHE MAY BE JUST TWENTY YEARS AWAY
PUFF PUFF PUFF
PUFF PUFF PUFF

HEY, GOAT, WILL YOU HELP ME WITH THIS CREDIT CARD APPLICATION?
I'M SURE YOU CAN MANAGE IT YOURSELF, PIG. BUT I CAN DOUBLECHECK IT FOR YOU.
NAME: Pig
SEX: Only if it's with the right person.
I WAS OVERLY OPTIMISTIC.

HI... ARE YOU, UH, RAT?
YEAH. WHO ARE YOU?
I'M ONE OF THE JINXIES, AND OUR RECORDS SHOW YOU SAYING, THIS WILL BE MY GREATEST YEAR EVER, BUT NOBODY KNOCKING ON WOOD AFTERWARD.
NO
WAIT
C'MON, BOYS. MESS UP THIS LIFE!
WHO MADE THAT DUMB RULE?!

Be an astronaut.
- Make a million dollars.
- Write a great novel.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING AT THIS LIST OF GOALS I HAD WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND COMPARING THEM TO MY GOALS AS AN ADULT NOW.
WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS NOW?
Survive today.
IT'S AN AMBITIOUS GOAL.

This country is filled with too many dumb people.
They are dumb because they have an aversion to reading books.
So we will use that aversion to our advantage by dressing up thousands of people as giant books and scaring the dumb people.
BOOKS! RUN!
AHHHHH
GRRR
We will chase the dumb people into pre-arranged Shelters o’ Great Safety.
BOOKS CAN’T HURT YOU IF YOU CAN’T READ!
Which will actually be rockets to the moon.
Once there, they will see the flag planted by the astronauts and conclude they are still in America.
It’s just outside of Vegas.
Yeah. And look how far I can jump.
AND THAT’S HOW WE SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS.
YOU’RE JUST AS DUMB AS THEM.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?

I JUST FINISHED PLAYING A WORD GAME ALL DAY ON MY PHONE AND RIGHT NOW I HAVE 624 WINS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE NEXT HIGHEST PLAYER HAS?
A LIFE?
OKAY, THAT HURTS.
HEY, LEAVE HIS MEANINGLESS LIFE ALONE.