Pearls Before Swine | Search

I want to talk about movies.
Hey, Henry. Hear you love movies. Seen any of the Avengers movies?
No.
None of them?
Nope.
SPIDER-MAN?
Nope.
You more of a Lord of the Rings person?
Nope.
How about the new Star Wars films?
Nope. Don't interest me.
IF YOU MUST KNOW, I THINK THIS CURRENT ERA OF FILM IS THE LEAST INTERESTING WE'VE EVER HAD AND IT DEPRESSES ME THAT EVERYONE HERE THINKS OTHERWISE.
If you must know, I think this current era of film is the least interesting we've ever had and it depresses me that everyone here thinks otherwise.
Henry's spouse never asked Henry to leave home again.
Be home before ten.
Enjoy!
I THINK HENRY COULD BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND.
He can skip Green Lantern.

HEY, SIS, WONDERING IF YOU GOT MY EMAIL ABOUT CANCELING OUR FAMILY GATHERINGS ON ACCOUNT OF THE VIRUS.
YEAH, I DID.
YEAH. SORRY TO CANCEL THEM, BUT IT'S FOR OUR OWN SAFETY.
BUT YOU CANCELED THEM FOR THE REST OF OUR LIFETIMES WITH NO EXCEPTIONS.
CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DON'T NEED RIGHT NOW...ANY MORE PEOPLE DROPPING WORRY BOMBS ON ME.
WHAT ARE THOSE?
HEY, GUYS, DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS POOR GUY? HE WASN'T EVEN THAT OLD.
I THINK I GOT HIT BY SHRAPNEL.
NO ONE NEEDS YOU RIGHT NOW!

WHERES RAT TODAY?
BUYING A GIANT EASTER EGG.
BUT EASTER'S OVER.
NOT FOR EASTER.
THE NEW NORMAL.

AHA! You is let guard down. Croc trap you at last.
Yeah. We is team you leemb from leemb.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, GUYS. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STANDING SIX FEET APART.
Me feel like we lose opportunity.
Is important be safe.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT GIANT SPEAKER?
I FOUND THE HOME OF OUR CABLE COMPANY'S CEO.
SO?
SO I PLAYED HIM HIS OWN COMPANY'S HOLD MUSIC FOR 24 STRAIGHT HOURS.
SOMETIMES I ACTUALLY APPRECIATE YOU.
SADLY FOR HIM, WE WERE EXPERIENCING UNUSUALLY HEAVY CALL VOLUMES.

OH, GOODNESS. THIS IS SO BAD... HEY, PIG... DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS?
HUSH. HUSH. HUSH.
NO WONDER IT'S SO NICE IN HERE.
NO BAD NEWS IN THE HAPPY BOX.

Hey, Margaret,
how are you doing?
Good. I got the modeling job I wanted.
Oh, that's great.
Hey, Pig. You flirting with my girl again?
Henry! How have you been?
Swell. Got a role in a big picture.
Always bragging. Do I brag about any of the famous patients I hold?
Hiya, Gladys.
Hey. If anyone's gonna brag, it's me for getting called up to the majors. I'll finally see if I can strike out the big stars.
Like who?
Mante, Aaron, Mays.
What? I don't get it.
Happy Meadows Retirement Home
They never quit talking.
They weren't always old.
TRENT

WELL, I'M FINALLY GONNA START SENDING OUT MY RESUME.
DO YOU HAVE A COVER LETTER?
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU HAVE TO HAVE ONE. IT'S WHERE YOU INTRODUCE YOURSELF AND TELL THEM WHY YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THEIR POSITION.
I need money.
SOMETHING MORE.
ADD "LOTS."

TODAY WILL BE BETTER...
TODAY WILL BE BETTER
TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER...
TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER

OKAY, GUYS, CUPBOARD'S JUST ABOUT BARE. LET'S PARCEL OUT THE LAST OF IT EQUALLY.
ONE FOR YOU.
ONE FOR YOU.
ONE FOR ME.
ONE FOR YOU.
ONE FOR YOU.
ONE FOR ME.
THE LAST OF THE TOILET PAPER.
GUARD YOUR SQUARES CAREFULLY.
IF I GOT SQUARES, I GOT NO CARES!

IN THE NEWS TODAY...
BAD.
BAD.
HORRIBLE.
It's just a cardboard box... right?
Let's buy one anyway.

TELL ME ANOTHER GREAT STORY ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG, UNCLE PIG.
WELL, FOR FUN, WE USED TO GO OUT TO T. P. SOMEONE'S HOUSE.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
WE'D TAKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF TOILET PAPER AND JUST DRAPE SOMEONE'S HOUSE IN IT.
SO YOU HAD ROLLS AND ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER THAT YOU JUST WASTED?
WHYS YOUR NEPHEW CRYING?
WE DIDN'T KNOW ITS IMMENSE VALUE!

Goals for today:
GET TO TOMORROW.
THESE DAYS I'VE NARROWED MY GOALS.

ASHLEY'S LIFE
Get up every day before she wants to.
Is it 6:30 already?
Sit in traffic for hours.
Beep Beep! Honk! Honk!
Go to a crappy job she dreads.
You are all morons.
Take kids everywhere always.
I'll be late for tennis!
I'll be late for soccer!
Look forward to that one week of vacation,
ASHLEY'S LIFE YOU SEE
Ashley has the GREATEST life.
#partyeveryday #beachlife #livingmybestlife #cancun
ASHLEY HAS THE GREATEST LIFE.
HOW DOES SHE DO IT?

HEY, PIG. JUST THOUGHT I'D CHECK ON YOU. HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP WITH ALL THIS?
GOOD.
REALLY?
I'VE PLAYED 315 STRAIGHT HOURS OF "CANDY CRUSH."
YOU SHOULD STAND NOW AND THEN.
I THINK I CAN DO THIS FOR A SOLID YEAR.

Person I know!
Person I know!
AHOY
AHOY
Butts to you!
Butts to you!
TRYING TO REPLACE THE HANDSHAKE.
I WILL GLADLY MOON ANYONE.

SMILES ARE CONTAGIOUS TOO.
SMILES ARE CONTAGIOUS TOO.
[:]

DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH IT! THAT'S MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSION!
DON'T CARE! I WANT IT!
STOP OR I'LL PUNCH YOU!
LET GO OF ME!
STOP! THIEF! COME BACK!
STRANGEST TIMES EVER.

THERE! ANOTHER PUZZLE COMPLETED!
I CAN ONLY MAKE SO MANY @&#$%*! PUZZLES!
THE QUARANTINE IS GETTING TO ME.

AND NOW A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE FROM "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
2020 CAN GO RIGHT BACK TO WHEREVER THE #@$% IT CAME FROM!
I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO A PROFANITY-FREE VERSION.
NO, REALLY, IT CAN GO SHOVE ITSELF RIGHT UP--

HEY THERE... LISTEN, THIS IS VERY HARD FOR ME TO SAY...
BUT I'M STARTING TO THINK THE PROBLEM IS YOU.
I MEAN, WE SPEND SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER...
BUT I'M SOMEHOW LONELIER WITH YOU THAN WITHOUT YOU.
I GET IT. YOU JUST WANT TO BE HELPFUL. DO WHATEVER I NEED...
AND I ADMIT... I WANT TO HOLD YOU... GO WITH YOU EVERYWHERE...
BUT I NEED MY LIFE BACK... I'M SO SORRY...
SO I PROPOSE WE TAKE A BREAK... STARTING NOW.
I MISSED YOU PHONE.
SO PATHETIC.
GET A ROOM.

I THINK LIFE RIGHT NOW IS BAD.
MAYBE. BUT IT HELPS TO BE POSITIVE.
I'M POSITIVE LIFE RIGHT NOW IS BAD.
HOW DOES THAT HELP?

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. JUST CAME OVER TO REMIND YOU TO STAY AT LEAST SIX FEET AWAY FROM ME FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY.
YEAH, WELL, I THINK WE'RE ALL PRETTY AWARE OF THE CORONAVIRUS AND WHAT WE ALL HAVE TO DO NOW.
VIRUS?
MY SOCIAL DISTANCING WAS YEARS AHEAD OF ITS TIME.

WHY DO WE STILL LOOK LIKE THIS?
WELL, FIRST I WAS STUCK IN COLOMBIA WITHOUT ART SUPPLIES.
THEN I MANAGED TO GET HOME, AND ALL THE STORES WERE CLOSED.
BUT THE U.S. GOVERNMENT JUST DECLARED THIS STRIP TO BE AN ESSENTIAL SERVICE, SO THEY'RE SHIPPING ME EVERYTHING I NEED.
I ORDERED THEM ONLINE.
OF COURSE.
I WILL SAVE YOU ONE PUN AT A TIME!