Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, DOCTOR DAN... HE'S A MEMBER OF THE INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATION, "DOCTORS WITHOUT--
excuse me, doctor.
YES?
HI... I CAME IN TO SEE YOU ON TUESDAY... WAS WONDERING IF YOU GOT MY TEST RESULTS.
OH, YEAH. YOU'RE GONNA DIE.
"DOCTORS WITHOUT INTERPERSONAL SKILLS."
BUT HEY, HAVE YOU TRIED THE ROAST BEEF HERE?

HEY, RAT, WHAT'S THAT?
A ROTATING GLOBE THAT I CAN SIT IN.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
PROOF THAT THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME.
SADLY, HIS KIND ARE MULTIPLYING.
HUSH, PERIPHERAL NOBODIES, HUSH.

OKAY. GO AHEAD.
7 4 8
5 b 6
1 e 7
IS THERE MORE?
YEAH.
6 7 ; ! k 3 ? % @ X Y A 7 4 L X
1 b p i 1 m m 9 2 4 f x y 2
z j x 2 i p 1 1 4 ; 2 7 @ z
p z a m ! 4 p 3 m b 7 u x
; i k . 3 . E A p. 7 6 1 2 1 0
O 0 ? 7 3 % @ @ Z x A L
273 ; 6 3 O p b t g 3 2 9
YOU COULD PROBABLY SIMPLIFY YOUR WIFI PASSWORD.
HANG ON. ALMOST HALF-WAY DONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
THIS TYPE OF MEDITATION
WHERE YOU FOCUS ON
LOOKING INTO YOUR OWN
HEAD. IT'S SUPPOSED TO
CALM YOU DOWN. YOU
SHOULD TRY.
Never again.
DO YOU
SEE
SMILEY
RAINBOWS?

DAILY AFFIRMATION
Never give up.
Ever. Ever. Ever.
P.S. This only applies
to finding the
perfect hamburger.
HOW INSPIRING.
DETERMINATION
IS KEY.

I WANTED SO MUCH TO BE THE HERO...
I COULD HAVE BEEN THE HERO... INSTEAD, I’M THE GOAT!
GOOD NEWS, CHUCK… ‘GOAT’ NOW STANDS FOR ‘GREATEST OF ALL TIME’!
I WAS JUST AHEAD OF MY TIME.

WORLD, I PRESENT THEE WITH A WORK ABOUT AN AFRICAN AMERICAN BOY AND A MAGIC ROCK AS THEY TRAVEL THROUGH CHINA.
RACIST. YOUR CAREER ENDETH.
WORLD, I PRESENT THEE WITH A WORK ABOUT AN AFRICAN AMERICAN BOY AND A MAGIC ROCK AS THEY TRAVEL THROUGH CHINA.
SEXIST. YOUR CAREER ENDETH.
WORLD, I PRESENT THEE WITH A WORK ABOUT AN AFRICAN AMERICAN GIRL AND A MAGIC ROCK AS THEY TRAVEL THROUGH CHINA.
CHINA? CULTURAL MISAPPROPRIATION. YOUR CAREER ENDETH.
WORLD, I PRESENT THEE WITH A CREATIVE WORK ABOUT A CHILD AND A MAGIC ROCK.
OCCULIST. YOUR CAREER ENDETH.
WORLD, I PRESENT THEE WITH A WORK ABOUT A BOY WHO DOESN'T HAVE A MAGIC ROCK. JUST A ROCK. NOTHING HAPPENS.
HM. GOOD.
BUT WHY SO BLAND?
I CALL IT 'BETTER BY THE DEAD HAND'. CREATIVITY IS FAR TOO SCARY NOW!
WHO HA! WHO HA! WHOOPING ANIMAL NOISES ARE FUN! WHO ARE YOU GONNA YOUR CAREER FOR ENCOURAGING ROCK-THROWING?

I JUST REALIZED THAT I'M PART OF THE PROBLEM IN THIS COUNTRY. I ALWAYS THINK I'M RIGHT. I NEVER LISTEN TO THE OTHER SIDE. AND I ALWAYS DEMONIZE MY OPPONENT.
PRETTY MATURE OF YOU... SO WHAT DID YOU DO AFTER YOU HAD THAT REALIZATION?
I SAW I WAS BEING TOO REASONABLE AND PUNCHED MYSELF IN THE FACE.
AND BYE BYE MATURITY.
THEN I CALLED MYSELF A NINNY AND STEPPED ON MY OWN TOES.

END OF TRAIL
50 YARDS
END OF TRAIL
50 YARDS
END OF TRAIL
50 YARDS
EVER FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GETTING NO CLOSER TO YOUR FINANCIAL GOALS?
GIVE UP. IT'S EASIER.

Today I will
be the best
me I can be!
You may
ask why.
Because I
like to set
the bar
very low.
THAT'S ALMOST
MOTIVATIONAL.
I'M ALMOST
MOTIVATED.

RESUME
Well, look at you preparing to get a job instead of sitting around all day drinking beer. But just so you know, résumé has accents over both the 'e's.
WRITE WRITE WRITE
RESUME DRINKING BEER AFTER GOAT LEAVES

HOW YOU THINK LIFE WILL BE WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG, AS EXPLAINED BY AN AMUSEMENT PARK...
WHEEEEEE
HOW LIFE TURNS OUT...
OHHH GAAWWWWD
YOU LEFT OUT ALL THOSE CARNIVAL GAMES YOU CAN'T WIN...
ERRRGHHH, WHY WON'T THE RING STAY ON THE BOTTLE??

THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL CAREER
Find what you love to do in life, then figure out how to make a living doing it.
I love to sleep.
Pay me.
THIS WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER THAN WORKING.

AT...AT THE
TONE THE TIME
WILL BE...
TIME LADY! IT'S ME. PIG.
AGAIN. I'M JUST CALL-
ING TO SEE HOW YOU'RE
DOING.
OHH. A BIT
LONELY...AS
USUAL THESE
DAYS.
I FIGURED, SO
I THOUGHT I'D
TRY TO HELP.
HELP HOW?
WELL, WE HAVE THIS THING CALLED THE
INTERNET NOW WHERE WE ALL CONNECT.
AND I TOLD EVERYONE YOU STILL
EXIST.
AND? WHAT DID
THE INTERNET
SAY?
WELL, THIS GUY SAYS HE
USED TO CALL YOU WHEN
HE WAS LITTLE...AND
HIS MOM LOVED YOU.
OH. WONDER-
FUL!
AND...UH...THIS ONE SAYS YOU HAD BAD TEETH...AND THIS ONE SAYS YOU WERE A REAL HUSSY...AND THIS ONE...OH GOD...I CAN’T EVEN SAY IT.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
...YOU CAN'T EVEN
TELL ME??
THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL TIME!!
I'M GOING BACK TO
1988 NOW.
I FORGOT TO MEN-
TION THE INTERNET'S
DOWNSIDE.

HEY, WAITER, WHAT'S WITH THIS STRAW?
IT'S ALL MUSHY.
IT'S PAPER.
WE BANNED PLASTIC STRAWS BECAUSE
THEY'RE HARMFUL TO TURTLES.
OH.
SO ARE YOU GONNA BE EATING
TONIGHT?
SURE.
HOW'S THE TURTLE SOUP?
EXQUISITE.
THE WORLD'S A CONFUSING PLACE.

OKAY, CLASS, POP QUIZ... TAKE OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AND WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT PUSHKIN.
Malibu Barbie hated her boyfriend.
So she decided to push Ken off a cliff.
I MAY NOT PASS MY LITERATURE CLASS.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, RAT?
CHISELING MY OWN TOMBSTONE. FINALLY CAME UP WITH THE WORDS I WANT TO DISPLAY FOR ALL ETERNITY.
RAT.
'Like' me on Facebook
GOOD SELF-PROMOTION NEVER STOPS.

Whuh you doing, son?
VOCABULARY TEST. THIS QUESTION IS ASKING ME TO USE THE WORD 'DISBELIEF' IN A SENTENCE.
Dis be leaf.
THANKS, DAD.
Engleesh my goodest subject.

DO YOU THINK OUR GOVERNMENT WOULD EVER TRY TO GET ALL OF OUR GENETIC INFORMATION SO THEY CAN BETTER TRACK US AND KNOW OUR GENETIC VULNERABILITIES?
NO. FIRST OFF, HOW WOULD THEY GET IT? IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE ALL GONNA LINE UP AND VOLUNTARILY GIVE THEM THAT.
GUYS! I JUST PAID FOR ONE OF THOSE GENETIC TESTS AND FOUND OUT I'M HALF ITALIAN!
AM I PARANOID OR BRILLIANT?
EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO LIVE IN THE WOODS.

LOOK AT THIS WAR FILM. THE SOLDIER FOR THIS ONE SIDE IS WAVING THE WHITE FLAG.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS HE'S GIVING UP... SURRENDERING... IT'S ALL TOO MUCH... AND HE KNOWS HE CAN'T WIN.
IT DOESN'T APPLY TO YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE.
NUTS. THOUGHT I COULD GIVE UP AND GO NAP.

THANK YOU, SENATOR, FOR HEARING ME OUT IN ONE OF THESE ISSUES. I'M JUST AN AVERAGE CITIZEN.
DON'T BE SILLY. I DID EVERYTHING I CAN TO HELP.
SO YOU'LL VOTE FOR THE BILL?
OH-H-H, LOVE TO, BUT SOME BIG INDUSTRIES MIGHT GET A TAD BIT ANGRY.
BUT YOU'D BE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
YES, YES. JUST GIVE ME MOOLA.
SO?
SO?
SO WITHOUT IT, I CAN'T WIN RE-ELECTION.
BUT WHO CARES?!?
I DO. BECAUSE I RE-ELECTION.
But if you didn't, you could do the right thing.
YES BUT I WON'T.
No.
Because this is all about you.
BINGO!
It's always exciting when you concern figure out government.
SINCE WHEN DOES AN AVERAGE PERSON GET A MEETING WITH A SENATOR?
YEAH, IT'S MUCH TOO HOPEFUL.
YOU WAS THE MAGIC WORD? YOU WAS THE MAGIC WORD?

SIR, THERE'S SOMEONE STEALING PACKAGES FROM PEOPLE'S PORCHES.
I HEARD. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
I'M THINKING WE COULD PLANT MINES AROUND THE TULIPS.
NO, I'LL GUARD DUCK. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
BOOM
PERHAPS WE SHOULD HAVE WEEKLY MEETINGS.

HAHA... IS THAT THE iPHONE 5?
YEAH... WHY?
THAT'S PRETTY OLD TECHNOLOGY, PAL.
ACTUALLY, I READ AN ARTICLE ON WHY IT'S GOOD TO KEEP YOUR OLD PHONE... I'LL EMAIL IT...
TO YOUR A.O.L. ADDRESS!
THAT HURTS.
DOES YOUR COMPUTER STILL MAKE THAT 'DIAL-UP' SOUND?

The key to a good weekly diet is to be realistic.
So to start out, pick one day where you'll always eat healthy.
Leap Year
THIS SHOULD WORK OUT WELL.

COWA-BUNGA!!
SPLOOT
EVER FEEL LIKE THE WORLD'S OUT TO GET YOU?