Pearls Before Swine | Search

WOW, RAT... HOW DO YOU EAT SO MUCH AND STILL STAY THIN?
EXERCISE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT DO YOU DO?
WORRY CONSTANTLY.
NOT SURE THAT'S EXERCISE.
SURELY IT COUNTS FOR SOMETHING.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'M SENATOR WEASEL. M-NEASELEY. I'M RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION AND HERE IS MY PROMISE TO YOU.
I'LL ALWAYS DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU.*
*EXCEPT WHEN THE VOTE COULD HARM ME IN ANY WAY POLITICALLY, IN WHICH CASE I WILL DO WHAT IS BEST FOR ME, BECAUSE WHAT I CARE ABOUT MOST IS RETAINING POWER AND STATUS.
SEEMS LIKE A BIG EXCEPTION.
THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THE EXCEPTION.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI. I'M SENATOR WEASEL MCWEASELY. I'M RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION AND I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR?
RE-ELECTION EVERY SIX YEARS.
I WAS HOPING YOU'D LOOK OUT FOR ME.
I PROMISE TO LOOK OUT FOR ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR CALENDAR?
TOSSING IT. I'VE DECIDED THAT 2020 NEVER EXISTED.
NONE OF THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED HAPPENED. NONE OF US GOT OLDER. NONE OF US MISSED ANYTHING.
DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT EASY.
DID I STILL DRINK ALL THAT GIN?

I THINK THE KEY TO SURVIVING TIMES LIKE THESE IS TO EACH HAVE A LITTLE STAIRWAY TO THE STARS THAT YOU CAN CLIMB TO GET AWAY.
I THINK THE KEY IS TO NOT UTTER USELESS GIBBERISH.
LET'S SEE WHOSE WAY'S BETTER.
I SHOULD BE LESS CYNICAL.

WHAT YOU DOING, RAT?
PREDICTING THE FUTURE. JUST FIVE DOLLARS.
OOH. TELL ME WHAT TOMORROW WILL BE LIKE.
TOMORROW WILL BE BAD.
UH OH. WHAT ABOUT THE NEXT DAY?
BAD.
DAY AFTER?
BAD.
DAY AF—
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.
PREDICTING'S NEVER BEEN EASIER.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, PIG?
A HORROR NOVEL ABOUT THIS GUY NAMED JOE WHO'S MURDERED BY HIS WIFE AND CHOPPED UP INTO LITTLE PIECES.
SOUNDS TERRIFYING.
YEAH... IT'S GIVING ME NIGHTMARES.
CUP O' JOE?
HARD TO EXPLAIN...
MAYBE HE SHOULD SWITCH TO DECAF.

Why
Guys
Are
Sad
by Rat
Guys are Sad because they are always trying to overcompensate for other deficiencies.
Bigger cars.
Bigger boats.
Bigger homes.
How
sad.

HEY, RAT, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE MONEY?
I'M SAVING FOR THE FUTURE.
THAT'S GREAT. FAR TOO FEW PEOPLE DO THAT THESE DAYS. WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS?
BEER ON FRIDAY.
NOT SURE THAT COUNTS.
HEY. FRIDAY'S IN THE FUTURE.

RAT SAYS ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS COMING OVER TODAY AND HE'S BRINGING SOME BIGWIG.
YEAH.
HEY.
NEVER KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.
NOT AROUND HAIR.

HEY, RAT. HOW ARE YOU?
NOT GOOD. I HAD ONE OF THOSE OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCES WHERE YOU FLOAT UP AND STARE AT YOUR OWN BODY.
WHOA. THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
THEN I KEPT FLOATING UP TO THE SKY.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
THERE WERE COMPUTER SERVERS EVERYWHERE.
STUPID CLOUD STORAGE.
HEAVEN'S REALLY BEEN CLUTTERED.

DO YOU AND RAT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE?
NOPE.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU GET SICK?
SNEEZE.
YOU ASK ODD QUESTIONS.

ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT BEING ABLE TO PAY YOUR RENT?
WHAT DAY IS TODAY?
SUNDAY.
SUNDAYS I WORRY ABOUT GETTING THE VIRUS.
MONDAYS I WORRY ABOUT THE ECONOMY FAILING.
TUESDAYS I WORRY ABOUT RACISM. WEDNESDAYS I WORRY ABOUT MY INSANITY.
THURSDAYS I WORRY ABOUT LOSING MY HEALTHCARE.
AND FRIDAYS I JUST STARTED SAVING FOR MURDER HORNETS, THOSE GIANT HORNETS THAT ARE COMING TO KILL US ALL.
OH, WAIT. SATURDAYS I WORRY ABOUT LOSING MY JOB. SO, SURE, I CAN FIT THAT IN SATURDAY.
QUITE THE ERA.
MY WORRY SCHEDULE’S PACKED.

WHAT PERSONALITY ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE ME IF I ASKED YOU FOR SOME?
ARE YOU ASKING?
SURE.
DON'T BE YOU.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T ASK.

HEY, THERE GOAT. YOU GONNA
READ BEFORE BED TONIGHT?
YEP. THAT WAS
THE PLAN. BUT NOW
THAT YOU’VE CALLED,
THE PHONE IS IN
MY HAND.
SO?
SO NOW I’M GONNA CHECK
SOCIAL MEDIA AND SLIP INTO
A DOOM SPIRAL.
MAYBE PHONES
SHOULD JUST
BE FOR PHONE
CALLS AGAIN.
CAN’T
TALK.
SPIRALING.

ARE YOU AN OPTIMIST OR A PESSIMIST?
I'M AN OPTIMIST WHO IS CONSTANTLY DISAPPOINTED BY WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS IN THE WORLD.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU?
A DISAPPOINTMIST.
NOT SURE THAT'S A THING.
I'M OPTIMISTIC THAT WILL CHANGE.

HEY, PIG, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
IT’S GONNA BE ANOTHER TERRIBLE WEEK AND NOTHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN!
THEN WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY?
BECAUSE THE KEY TO LIFE IS CRUSHING EXPECTATIONS BEFORE THEY CRUSH YOU!
THAT’S ONE WAY TO DO IT.
HAHA… I SEE YOU COMING, CRAPPY OCTOBER!

DID YOU JUST DOUBLE PARK?
YEAH.
WHAT IF OTHER PEOPLE DID THAT TO YOU?
I'D BE ANGRY.
SO?
SO FOR THE WORLD TO FUNCTION SMOOTHLY, EVERYONE NEEDS TO ACT A LOT BETTER THAN I DO.
NOT HOW THE WORLD WORKS.
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES LIFE SO HARD.

I'VE DECIDED THAT FROM NOW ON, I'M GONNA BE UPBEAT AT THE START OF EACH NEW WEEK AND ONLY WORRY ABOUT THE THINGS I CAN CONTROL. HOW 'BOUT YOU?
I'M MAKING PLANS TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR THE FEW RESOURCES WE'LL SOON HAVE LEFT.
SOME GUYS YOU SHOULD AVOID ON MONDAYS.
DO PEOPLE STILL USE THESE?

OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL,
HOW DO WE RID OURSELVES OF
THE PANDEMIC THAT PLAGUES US?
WE MUST ALL READ MORE. NOT
YOUR FACEBOOK NEWS FEED, BUT
GOOD BOOKS THAT INFORM AND
ENLIGHTEN.
AND PAY FOR LOCAL JOURNALISM, BECAUSE IF YOU
DON'T, IT'LL GO AWAY.
AND STRIVE TO BE INFORMED,
ACTUALLY INFORMED, INSTEAD OF
ONLY SEEKING INFORMATION THAT CONFORMS TO YOUR WORLD VIEW.
AND THIS
WILL END
COVID-19?
COVID-19?
I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT STUPIDITY.
APPARENTLY, THERE'S MORE
THAN ONE PLAGUE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GOAT.
MY BIRTHDAY'S NOT FOR SIX MONTHS.
YES, BUT I CAN NEVER REMEMBER ANYONE'S BIRTHDAY, SO I SAY IT WHEN I THINK OF IT AND YOUR JOB IS TO REMEMBER IT SIX MONTHS FROM NOW.
HOW THOUGHTFUL.
LEMME BANK A FEW MORE.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY--

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO THIS QUARANTINE WEEKEND?
A WHOLE LOT OF S AND M.
YOU? REALLY?
YEAH. YOU NEVER SIT AND MOPE?
PERHAPS WE SHOULD DEFINE OUR TERMS.
EVERYONE'S DOING IT.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO ENDING THIS VIRUS?
STAYING SIX FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LEAD BY EXAMPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING THE HEADLINES FOR THIS ONLINE NEWS SITE THAT HIRED ME.
This Actor is in Trouble
This Insect is Coming to Your Town
This Car Can Be Deadly
THIS MAKES ME WANT TO CLICK.
THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE.

I HEAR YOU WENT TO WORK FOR AN ONLINE NEWS SITE.
YEAH. WITH HIGH JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS AND A GREAT MOTTO.
OH, YEAH? I'VE ALWAYS LOVED THE WASHINGTON POST'S MOTTO: "DEMOCRACY DIES IN DARKNESS". WHAT'S YOURS?
"WHAT A KICK, I MADE YOU CLICK."
THAT'S ALMOST JOURNALISM.
IT IS IF THEY CLICK.