Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PIG. I HEAR YOUR GRANDMA DIED... I'M--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SAFE PLACE WHERE I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON EVERYONE I LOVE SO NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN TO THEM
I'M AFRAID IT DOESN'T WORK THIS WAY, PIG.
DON'T DISTRACT ME. I'M STANDING GUARD.
AT SOME POINT, I'LL NEED TO USE THE HEAD.
Bad things stay away!

DING!
Hi Pigita. So it's been 3 days since we broke up. And I just wanted u to know I didn't think about u at all today.
DING!
I didn't think about u the day before either.
DING!
I didn't think about u the day before that either.
So, as I sit here alone, that's what I'm not thinking about today.
GEE, THAT DOESN'T LOOK PATHETIC AT ALL.
Anyhow
What r u not thinking about these days?

PARTIES.
ME AT PARTIES.
IT'S A WONDER YOU DON'T GET INVITED TO MORE.
BOOKS BEAT PEOPLE.

...AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK ABOUT IMMIGRATION.
OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE A TOTAL MORON.
THAT DIDN'T CONVINCE YOU OF THE CORRECTNESS OF MY POSITION?
NO.
I NEED A NEW PERSUASION TECHNIQUE.

Whuh you doing, son?
VOCABULARY TEST. MY ENGLISH TEACHER GIVES US ONE A WEEK.
Please use the word “detest” in a sentence.
DE test is big waste of son’s time.
I DON’T THINK SHE’LL BE HAPPY.
Yeah. English teachers is sad, grumpy bunch.

HEY... HAPPY GUY... LOOK AT YOUR PHONE.
NOPE.
C'MON...YOU'RE CURIOUS... YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
NO I DON'T.
YES YOU DO! YES YOU DO!
NO I DON'T!
YES YOU DO!!
YES YOU DO!!
NO I DON'T!! NO I DON'T!!
SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO AVOID THE WORLD.

HIYA, RAT...
HOW GOES YOUR MORN---
MY MOOD TODAY IS
MY MOOD TODAY IS ROTTEN
THE MOOD HAT IS SO HELPFUL.

GOOD-BYE, MOM.
GOOD-BYE, JOJO.
BE CAREFUL. THERE ARE BAD PEOPLE OUT THERE.
I KNOW.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE. IN ANY PRETEXT THEY CAN FIND TO BEAT YOU UP,
I'LL JUST WATCH, BECAUSE THEY'LL GANG UP ON YOU IF THEY WORK IN GROUPS.
I'LL BETTER WATCH MY MOUTH IN GROUPS.
ALL RIGHT, MA. GOOD-BYE.
HEY. DON'T FIGHT. JUST BE SAFE, ALL RIGHT.
DON'T FIGHT. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY!
BYE.
BUT ONE DAY HE SAID THE WRONG THING.
AND THE GANGS POUNCED.
FREE JOJO NOW!
JOIN THE MARCH FOR JOJO.
FIND JOJO'S DOTEDs.
TEN REASONS TO HATE JOJO.
BOYCOTT JOJO!!!!
NO JOJO ZONE.
T-SHIRTS AT THE JOJO TONIGHT!!!
And JoJo's mom never let him leave the house again ...
here are the gangs that just want you to join.
AH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
Pig.
Guys, I'm sitting next to JoJo defenders.

HEY CHRIS THE CROSSING GUARD, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
JUST CHECKING MY MUTUAL FUNDS.
CAN I CROSS?
SURE.
WHAM
I SHOULD PAY MORE ATTENTION.

SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO USE TWITTER?
WELL, I USE IT TO SHARE MY VIEWS, SHOW SOME OF MY WRITINGS, MY PHOTOS. TALK ABOUT SOME OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
tap tap tap tap tap
Pig
Find me significant.
JUST SAVING TIME.

WHATCHA DOING, PIG?
I JUST JOINED TWITTER, BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO DO NEXT.
WELL, YOU SEND OUT A TWEET.
Pig
Tweet.
THIS SEEMS POINTLESS.

HEY, TED. I HEAR WE'RE NO LONGER SUPPOSED TO USE THE TERM "CYCLIST."
CORRECT. IT'S DEHUMANIZING.
I UNDERSTAND. ARE ANY OF THESE TERMS PREFERABLE?
Heels on wheels
Lycra Loons
Pedaller Meddlers
Mob O' Snobs
HE SAID TO STICK WITH "CYCLIST."

DID YOU HEAR THERE'S A MOVE-
MENT TO DO AWAY
WITH THE WORD
'CYCLIST' ?
HOW
COME ?
CYCLISTS SAY ITS DEHUMAN-
IZING AND LEADS TO THEM
BEING DISLIKED.
I DISLIKE THEM FOR
MAKING STUPID REQUESTS
LIKE THAT.
MAYBE I'M
TALKING TO
THE WRONG
GUY.
HEY
TRUCKERS!
YOU NEED
A NEW
NAME!

OH, UNIVERSE. GIVE ME ANSWERS.
One cannot live life without a purpose. A reason to persevere. An answer to the question, 'Why am I here?'
Thus, pizza.
I KNEW THIS FELT RIGHT.

LARRY, I NOTICE YOU
HAVEN'T MADE ANY
CONTRIBUTIONS TO
THE CHURCH'S
COLLECTION CUP.
YEAH, I SAVE MY
BEER.
Wuh me need for?
BEER.
WELL, NOT TO BE TOO BLUNT ABOUT IT, BUT I THINK THE BLESSINGS
OF GOD ARE A BIT MORE IMPORTANT.
Me go fetch more beer.
BECAUSE ONE DAY THERE WILL BE A GREAT RAPTURE WHERE ALL THE
BELIEVERS WILL SUDDENLY DISAPPEAR FROM EARTH AND BE
TRANSPORTED TO HEAVEN, WHILE ALL THOSE STILL HERE WILL SUFFER
IN AN ETERNAL HELL.
CLICK
AAAAHHHHHHH
HIDING IN THE
CLOSET SEEMS UNETHICAL,
FATHER.
WE DO
WHAT WE
MUST, SON.
WHO LOOK LIKE
ME IS BLOW FUSE,
ME GO FETCH NEW BULB.
ME DONATE
EVERYTHING!!! GEEV BEER TO
ORPHANS!!!

HERE YOU GO, SIR.
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S WHAT YOU ORDERED.
SOME MAN'S NAME WRITTEN IN MUSTARD?
OUR SIGNATURE DISH.
IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S NOT WORTH FIFTY BUCKS.

HI!
HI!
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
Also, you all look much older than me.
EVERY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION EVER.
WHO DROVE THE BEST CAR?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
IT'S AN EXERCISE IN POSITIVITY. YOU WRITE DOWN YOUR HOPES FOR THE FUTURE.
CAN I TRY?
SURE.
That I've fled to Mars before this world goes kablooey.
I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER.

How Life Works
by RAT
I sold my first book!
I'm making a living writing!
I'm famous!!
I'm–
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OFF SUCCESS MOUNTAIN.

HOW'S YOUR NEIGHBOR ENJOYING COLLEGE?
GOOD. HE'S DECIDED TO STUDY ABROAD.
SEEMS LIKE A NARROW FOCUS.
I SENSE YOU'RE CONFUSED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING BACK AT THE GOALS I SET FOR THIS PAST YEAR AND SEEING IF I FOLLOWED THROUGH ON THEM.
Spend more time on social media.
Hate myself for it.
LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER PRODUCTIVE YEAR.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS PLAYING?
JENGA.
OOOH, I LOVE JENGA. IT'S ONE BIG METAPHOR FOR LIFE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, YOU SPEND FOREVER BUILDING THIS BIG STRUCTURE ON A SOLID FOUNDATION. THEN SOMETHING GETS TAKEN AWAY. SAY YOUR JOB.
THEN YOUR CAR. THEN YOUR HEALTH CARE.
THEN YOUR TEETH. THEN YOUR HAIR.
THEN YOUR KNEES! THEN A PET! THEN A LOVED ONE! THEN YOUR PRIDE! THEN YOUR SANITY! THEN YOUR WILL TO GET UP IN THE MORNING!!!
ANYHOW, HAVE FUN PLAYING.
NEXT TIME, CANDYLAND.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS EXPLOSIVE MINE I PUT HERE? IT HAS A BIG SCRATCH ON IT.
YEAH. I DID THAT.
WHY?
BECAUSE I WAS RESTING MY BIC LIGHTER HERE, AND YOU TOUCHED IT AND SCRATCHED IT.
SO I SCRATCH YOUR BIC, YOU SCRATCH MINE?
YOU’RE AN ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE.

MY THERAPIST SAYS I HAVE O.C.D.
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME THE SAME. IT'S WHY I'M SO FAT.
YOU'RE OVER- WEIGHT BECAUSE OF OBSESSIVE- COMPULSIVE DISORDER?
OH.
THOUGHT THAT MEANT 'OVEREATS CHEESE DAILY.'
PERHAPS WE SHOULD REVIEW OUR ACRONYMS.
IS 'S.I.D.' 'STILL SHOULD TRY DIETING'?

I JUST WENT TO THE CITY PLANNER FOR A PERMIT AND I THINK HE ASKED FOR A BRIBE.
I THINK IF A CITY OFFICIAL WAS THAT CORRUPT, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN EXPOSED.
BY A NEWSPAPER...LIKE THE ONE I USED TO WORK FOR...BEFORE PEOPLE STOPPED SUBSCRIBING...BUT IT'S OKAY. BECAUSE LOCAL GOVERNMENT WILL DO WHAT'S RIGHT WHEN OPERATING UNSEEN.
WELL, THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.
THAT MIGHT BE SARCASTIC.
IF YOU’RE NOT PAYING FOR JOURNALISM, YOU’RE PAYING FOR NOT HAVING JOURNALISM!