Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHY IS IT THAT EVERY SINGLE TOPIC IS NOW POLITICIZED? FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU BRING UP THE POLICE, SOME PEOPLE SEE THEM AS DEFENDERS AND SOME SEE THEM AS DANGEROUS.
I'M NOT REALLY IN EITHER CAMP.
OH, YEAH? HOW DO YOU SEE THEM?
ON THE WHOLE, BAD. BUT ROXANNE IS A REALLY GREAT SONG.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE POLICE WITH GUNS.
OH. STING SHOULDN'T BE ARMED.

OH, GOODNESS.
SO MUCH ANGER.
EVERYONE'S SO MAD!
THAT'S SO SAD.
HOPELESS.
SIGH...
WAIT... IS THAT A LIGHT?
IT IS! IT IS!
HAAAAALLELUJAH
AND THAT'S WHAT TURNING OFF SOCIAL MEDIA IS LIKE.
WHOA. SO HAPPINESS IS A THING?
HUSH. WORLD BAD.

DEAR MR. LANDLORD,
YOU RECENTLY RAISED
OUR RENT TO AN
AMOUNT WE CAN'T
AFFORD.
That
doesn't
seem
fair.
So we're
giving
you a
time-out.
ALWAYS WORKED FOR
MY MOM.

HIYA, NEIGHBOR NANCY. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I CAN NEVER SEEM TO GET EVERYTHING I WANT TO GET DONE IN A DAY.
I'VE FOUND IT HELPS TO WRITE DOWN MY DAILY GOALS.
OH, YEAH? LEMME SEE.
EAT FOOD I'LL REGRET.
SO FAR, I'VE BEEN PRETTY DISCIPLINED.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
A DATE I BOUGHT AT THE GROCERY STORE. I'VE ENCASED IT IN GLASS SO NO HARM CAN COME TO IT.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
THAT INVITE I GOT IN THE MAIL FROM NEIGHBOR BOB'S DAUGHTER.
Save the date!
SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.
NO NEED. I'VE GOT THIS.

WELCOME TO OUR LAW OFFICE. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
I NEED TO HIRE A LAWYER.
OKAY, WELL, THE FIRST THING I'LL NEED IS A RETAINER.
NOT THE ONE THAT HOLDS YOUR TEETH IN PLACE.
TAKE IT. I HAVE TWO.

I HAVE A SECRET TO TELL YOU, BUT YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE.
OKAY, BUT DON’T SAY IT NOW. THAT COW COVERED IN MOSS IS RIGHT BEHIND US.
SO?
SO MOSS COW HEARS EVERYTHING.
BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH TODAY?
I WAS RUSHIN’.
COVER BLOWN. REPEAT: COVER BLOWN.

RINNNG RINNNG
HELLO? RAT... IT'S YOUR BOSS AT THE CAFÉ. WHY AREN'T YOU HERE?
I DON'T WORK SATURDAYS.
IT'S TUESDAY.
OH, SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVEN'T CHECKED THE CALE--DAR IN THE BREAK--ROOM. I MADE IT A LITTLE MORE EMPLOYEE-FRIENDLY.
GET YOUR @#% IN HERE.
PLEASE DON'T HARASS ME IN MY OFF-HOURS SIR.

HI, PIG, WELCOME TO MY PARTY.
HI, GOAT. I BROUGHT MY FRIEND, TAYLOR. IT’S HER BIRTHDAY.
CALL ME ‘TAY.’
UH OH, PIG. I LEFT MY GLASSES IN THE CAR.
I CAN GET THEM.
HEY, HIPPIE BURT. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING TO THE PARTY.
HEY, PEACE MAN. YEAH, AND I BROUGHT MY TWO FEMALE SHEEP AND MY FRIEND MANNY MOORE.
HI, PIG...JUST THOUGHT I'D SEE WHAT WAS TAKING YOU SO LONG. WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
HIPPIE BURT, TAY TWO, 'EWE.
AND MANNY MOORE!
PEACE IS FOR LOSERS.

PATIENT.
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
ARE YOU AN HONEST ASSESSOR OF YOURSELF?
DEFINITELY.

LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF SOME THIRD-WORLD LEGISLATORS BRAWLING! THIS GUY PUNCHES THAT GUY! THAT GUY GETS HIM IN A HEADLOCK! THIS GUY KICKS THEM BOTH IN THE HO-HANS!
AND THIS GUY EVEN KNOWS HOW TO SWEAR IN ENGLISH! HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA AH HA... ...OH.
THAT'S OUR GOVERNMENT.
IT'S BEST TO STAY UNINFORMED THESE DAYS.

WELL, I'M OFF. GOTTA BRING HOME THE BAGELS.
WHERE'D YOU ORDER THE BAGELS FROM?
OH, I DIDN'T. I'M JUST GOING TO WORK. AND I WANTED TO SAY, "I'M BRINGING HOME THE BACON," BUT P.E.T.A. WANTS US ALL TO SAY, "I'M BRINGING HOME THE BAGELS" INSTEAD.
TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING.
HE'S NOT. AND WATCH YOURSELF.
THOUGH EVERY TIME I WALK IN, I AM BRINGING HOME THE BACON.

Hi Mom... Our old neighbor next door died. We're going to his funeral this afternoon.
Hello, son.
Thanks for letting me know.
LOL
IT MEANS "LOTS OF LOVE"!!
"LAUGHING OUT LOUD!"

Dear P.E.T.A.
You recently informed us that we should stop saying "Be the guinea pig" and instead say, "Be the test tube." Otherwise, we're being 'speciesists.'
Personally, I think stuff like that makes you look like a bunch of loons.
HUMANS WITH DIMINISHED MENTAL CAPACITY.
THANKS.

P.E.T.A. WOULD LIKE US TO STOP USING THE PHRASE "KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE". INSTEAD, WE ALL NEED TO START SAYING, "FEED TWO BIRDS WITH ONE SCONE."
IS THAT TODAY'S JOKE, OR IS IT REAL?
REAL.
WHAT THE @#$%! IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD?

FOR THE LAST TIME... HEEEELP!!
ISN'T IT GREAT HOW SMARTPHONES CONNECT US?
WAITER, THERE'S A FALLEN SHOE IN MY CHAI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
THROWING ALL MY PROBLEMS IN THE PROBLEM BOX. ONCE THEY'RE CLOSED UP IN HERE, THEY CAN'T BOTHER ME AGAIN.
BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE BOX?
HEY! A BIRTHDAY GIFT.

CAN I GET YOU TWO ANYTHING ELSE?
JUST THE CHECK.
HELLO FROM PRAGUE!
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING TO TELL THAT FINE JOKE?
LET ME CZECH.

HEY, PIG, WHERE WERE YOU?
WENT TO SEE THE LATEST SUPERHERO MOVIE.
OH, YEAH? WHICH SUPERHERO?
THE NUMISMATIST!
THAT'S JUST SOMEONE WHO COLLECTS COINS.
THE ACTION SCENES WERE LESS THAN STELLAR.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT, MISS. BUT WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ON YOUR PHONE?
WATCHING THE WARRIORS GAME.
GOSH. I REMEMBER A TIME WHEN THE ONLY WAY TO WATCH A GAME WAS ON A T.V. THAT HAD EIGHT CHANNELS. BUT I GUESS I'M DATING MYSELF.
GOOD. BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL DATE YOU.
IGNORE THAT.
I HAVE TO GO NOW.

TONIGHT ON THE NEWS, MORE STORIES THAT WILL DEPRESS YOU TO NO END, SO BEFORE WE GET STARTED...
CABLE NEWS IS REALLY IMPROVING.

WHAT DO
YOU HAVE
THERE,
GOAT?
A SELF-ESTEEM-
BUILDING EXERCISE.
YOU SHOULD
TRY
IT.
Write down
something
you’re better at
than anyone
else.
Finishing
last.
I’M NOT SURE THAT
HELPED.

WHO IS IT?
THE WORLD. GET OUT OF BED.
NO. I'M SCARED. EVERYTHING'S CRAZY NOW.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
PEOPLE ACTING NUTS. EVERYONE GETTING SHOT. NOWHERE BEING SAFE.
OH. WELL, IT'S BETTER NOW.
REALLY?

REALLY. EVERYTHING IS... PEACHY.
YOU PROMISE?
SWEAR TO GOD.
OKAY, BUT LET ME JUST CHECK TWITTER TO BE SURE THAT—
DON'T CHECK TWITTER! DON'T CHECK TWITTER DON'T—
AAUUGH
SO I TOLD A FIBBY WIBSY.
GO AWAY WORLD.

HEY, NEIGHBOR FRED. WANT SOME OF MY SANDWICH?
AUGHH... PLEASE GET THAT AWAY FROM ME. I HAVE A WHEAT ALLERGY AND A HUGE FEAR OF MAYONNAISE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
BREAD SPREAD DREAD, SAID FRED.
DEAD?
SHOULD HAVE FLED.

HI. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
COFFEE. BUT ONLY IF THE BEANS ARE SUSTAINABLY SOURCED.
AND FISH. BUT AGAIN, ONLY IF IT'S SUSTAINABLY SOURCED. OTHERWISE, DON'T BOTHER.
WHAM WHAM WHAM
HE HARVESTED MY SUSTAINABLY SOURCED ANGER.