Pearls Before Swine | Search

GOALS FOR A MORE MEANINGFUL LIFE:
1) BE MORE DISCIPLINED ABOUT ATTAINING GOALS.
2) MAKE ONLY GOAL NAPPING.
I JUST WON LIFE.

... AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK IS THE SUBTEXT OF THIS BOOK OF POETRY.
THAT'S GREAT, MARCIE. AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, RAT?
I THINK THAT ACCORDING TO THE CALCULATOR ON MY PHONE, THERE ARE ABOUT 40 MILLION MINUTES IN THE AVERAGE HUMAN LIFE, AND WE'VE JUST WASTED SIXTY OF THEM.
PLEASE STICK TO THE READING OF THE POETRY.
OH, RIGHT... WE LOST ALL THOSE MINUTES TOO.

LARRY, I'M LEAVING YOU FOR ANOTHER CROC. HE'S MUCH MORE MANLY THAN YOU.
Who? Dis guy?
Where you even from?
ME? CONCORD, MASSACHUSETTS.
HA. ME CONQUERED CALEFORNIA.
HE HAS SOME LEARNING DIFFICULTIES.
Maassyhussitt muss be easiest place conquer ever.

HEY, PIG, HOW WAS YOUR COSTUME PARTY LAST NIGHT? I HEARD YOU HID SOMEWHERE, THEN POPPED OUT AND ANNOUNCED YOU WERE THAT MOTOWN GUY WHO SANG "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE."
I'M GAYE! I WAS HIDING IN THE CLOSET!
I THINK IT WAS MISCONSTRUED.

HOW VEGAS TRIPS WORK
FIRST HOUR OF TRIP
ALL I DID WAS PUT IN A QUARTER AND I WON FOUR HUNDRED BUCKS!
LAST HOUR OF TRIP
GAMBLING IS STUPID.
TRIP HOME RATIONALIZATION
I LOST MY RENT MONEY, BUT I STILL HAD FUN.
GOOD FOR YOU.

DING DONG DING DONG
CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO, SIR... I AM OPPORTUNITY.
OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS! OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS!
YES. USUALLY. BUT THIS TIME I RANG THE DOORBELL.
OH. WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS I JUST NEED TO USE YOUR JOHN.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOUR LIFE WILL HINGE ON.

CHECK IT OUT... I'M MAKING MY SPECIAL NACHOS. FIRST I DON THIS SOMBRERO. THEN I MELT CHEESE OVER CHIPS AND BEANS AND PUT THIS FINAL BEAN ON TOP.
CAN I TRY?
SURE.
HOW DO I DO IT?
BEAN THERE. DON THAT.
MEXICO SHOULD PAY FOR A WALL AROUND YOU.

HEY, RAT. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A SPORTS FAN.
I'M NOT, REALLY.
THEN WHAT DO YOU HAVE THAT FOR?
HEY, DID ONE OF YOU GUYS EAT MY FRENCH FRIES?
FINGER POINTING-THE KEY TO SURVIVAL.

HELLO?
RAT, IT'S YOUR BOSS AT THE CAFE... WHY AREN'T YOU HERE?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I GET THE DAY OFF.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU TOOK A DAY OFF FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY LAST WEEK.
YES, BUT I BELIEVE IN PAST LIVES AND TODAY'S THE BIRTHDAY OF MY FOURTH INCARNATION, RATILLA THE HUN.
WE NEED TO REVISE THE BIRTHDAY POLICY.
WILL THE CAFE BE SENDING A GIFT?

DID YOU KNOW THAT IF CLIMATE
CHANGE CAUSES THE OCEANS
TO RISE, MUCH OF THE WORLD'S
MOST PRODUCTIVE LAND WILL
BE UNDERWATER?
WHO CAN
SURVIVE
WITH
EVERYTHING
HALF-
SUBMERGED?
FORGOT ABOUT THEM.

I'M READING ABOUT THIS PERIOD IN RENAISSANCE HISTORY WHERE MUSICIANS CALLED MINSTRELS SANG AND PLAYED INSTRUMENTS FOR THE KING.
SOUNDS INTER-ESTING.
WHAT SOUNDS INTERESTING?
THE MINSTREL PERIOD.
HEY, YOU'RE CRAMPING OUR STYLE.
OKAY, CLEVER COMIC STRIP OVER.
COMIC STRIP CENSOR
WAIT... DID THE MINSTREL HAVE A CYCLE?

RRRRRRRING RRRRRRRING
GET UP, PIG. THE WORLD AWAITS.
AWAITS WHAT?
A CHANCE TO KICK YOU IN THE HOO-HAWS.
YOU COULD BE MORE REASSURING.
FINE... TO HAND YOU PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS.

HEY! EVERYONE BE OUTRAGED ABOUT THIS THING I WANT YOU TO BE OUTRAGED ABOUT!
OUTRAGED!
NO! BE OUTRAGED ABOUT THIS THING I WANT YOU TO BE OUTRAGED ABOUT!
OUTRAGED!
WAIT! BE OUTRAGED ABOUT THIS THING I WANT YOU TO BE OUTRAGED ABOUT!
OUTRAGED
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! BE OUTRAGED ABOUT--
OUTRAGED
Hey... Why are you all so apathetic?
Zzzz
I WONDER WHY.
WE SHOULD BE OUTRAGED BY THAT!

HEY, RAT, ARE YOU EXERCISING NOW?
YEAH... HUFF HUFF... RAN FIVE MILES... HUFF... TRYING TO HUFF... LOSE WEIGHT.
TERRIFIC. JUST REMEMBER, IT'S IMPORTANT TO REHYDRATE AFTER ANY WORKOUT.
THIS SEEMS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

WELL, JEFF THE CYCLIST, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU LOST YOUR RACE FOR MAYOR. I'M GOING THROUGH THE EXIT POLLING TO FIND THE REASON.
WHAT WAS IT? DEMOGRAPHIC SHIFTS? SUBURBAN WHITE WOMEN? LOW PARTY TURNOUT?
OH, HERE IT IS.
"NO ONE LIKES CYCLISTS."
THOSE RACIST FATTIES.
AND STOP SHOWING US YOUR PACKAGE.

YEAH, CAN I GET A DOUBLE ESPRESSO?
SURE, THAT WILL BE A THOUSAND DOLLARS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
EVERY DAY YOU ORDER ONE OF THESE AND SIT AT A TABLE FOR THREE HOURS.
SO?
SO YOU'RE NOW MORE OF A TENANT THAN WE ARE.
I AM NOT SIGNING THAT LEASE.
REMEMBER, NO LOUD PARTIES AFTER 9 P.M.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JEF THE CYCLIST?
WRITING A SPEECH TO KICK OFF MY MAYORAL CAMPAIGN. I NEED TO REALLY CONNECT WITH VOTERS.
I THINK THERE MIGHT BE A PROBLEM HERE WHERE YOU FIRST ADDRESS THE CROWD.
WHICH LINE?
DEAR LARDO'S WITH NO SELF-DISCIPLINE,
WHAT TERM DO THEY PREFER?
MAYBE WE SKIP THE SALUTATION.

GENTLEMEN... I, JEF THE CYCLIST, AM RUNNING FOR MAYOR OF THIS TOWN.
HOW COME, JEF?
TO IMPROVE THE LIVES OF CYCLISTS.
WHAT'S IN IT FOR THE REST OF US?
I'M THINKING DEPORTATION.
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T SUPPORT JEF.
NOW WHERE DOES ONE SEND FAT, UNMOTIVATED PEOPLE?

WHY IS IT THAT EVERY SINGLE TOPIC IS NOW POLITICIZED? FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU BRING UP THE POLICE, SOME PEOPLE SEE THEM AS DEFENDERS AND SOME SEE THEM AS DANGEROUS.
I'M NOT REALLY IN EITHER CAMP.
OH, YEAH? HOW DO YOU SEE THEM?
ON THE WHOLE, BAD. BUT ROXANNE IS A REALLY GREAT SONG.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE POLICE WITH GUNS.
OH. STING SHOULDN'T BE ARMED.

OH, GOODNESS.
SO MUCH ANGER.
EVERYONE'S SO MAD!
THAT'S SO SAD.
HOPELESS.
SIGH...
WAIT... IS THAT A LIGHT?
IT IS! IT IS!
HAAAAALLELUJAH
AND THAT'S WHAT TURNING OFF SOCIAL MEDIA IS LIKE.
WHOA. SO HAPPINESS IS A THING?
HUSH. WORLD BAD.

DEAR MR. LANDLORD,
YOU RECENTLY RAISED
OUR RENT TO AN
AMOUNT WE CAN'T
AFFORD.
That
doesn't
seem
fair.
So we're
giving
you a
time-out.
ALWAYS WORKED FOR
MY MOM.

HIYA, NEIGHBOR NANCY. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I CAN NEVER SEEM TO GET EVERYTHING I WANT TO GET DONE IN A DAY.
I'VE FOUND IT HELPS TO WRITE DOWN MY DAILY GOALS.
OH, YEAH? LEMME SEE.
EAT FOOD I'LL REGRET.
SO FAR, I'VE BEEN PRETTY DISCIPLINED.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
A DATE I BOUGHT AT THE GROCERY STORE. I'VE ENCASED IT IN GLASS SO NO HARM CAN COME TO IT.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
THAT INVITE I GOT IN THE MAIL FROM NEIGHBOR BOB'S DAUGHTER.
Save the date!
SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.
NO NEED. I'VE GOT THIS.

WELCOME TO OUR LAW OFFICE. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
I NEED TO HIRE A LAWYER.
OKAY, WELL, THE FIRST THING I'LL NEED IS A RETAINER.
NOT THE ONE THAT HOLDS YOUR TEETH IN PLACE.
TAKE IT. I HAVE TWO.

I HAVE A SECRET TO TELL YOU, BUT YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE.
OKAY, BUT DON’T SAY IT NOW. THAT COW COVERED IN MOSS IS RIGHT BEHIND US.
SO?
SO MOSS COW HEARS EVERYTHING.
BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH TODAY?
I WAS RUSHIN’.
COVER BLOWN. REPEAT: COVER BLOWN.