Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Cable News
People,
Thank you for
your insightful
coverage of that
big hurricane.
What I found
especially informative
was the part where
your reporter stood
in the wind.
I did not know
that when you
stand in the wind,
it blows on you.
I'M HOPING
THEY
RECOGNIZE
SARCASM.
SO THAT'S
WHY HIS
HAIR
MOVES.

HEY, YOU'RE THE DRIVER WHO STOPPED AT THAT CROSSWALK FOR ME.
YEP. NO PROBLEM.
YES THERE IS. BECAUSE NEXT TIME YOU NEED TO STOP 20 FEET FROM THE CROSSWALK SO I'LL FEEL COMFORTABLE WHILE I WALK AS SLOWLY AS I WANT AND OCCASIONALLY CHECK MY TEXTS.
FASCIST PEDESTRIAN GUY. OUR NEWEST CHARACTER.
OH, HELL NO.
A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS GUY WHO WAS KIDNAPPED?
IS HE A KID?
NO.
WAS HE NAPPING?
NO.
EXPLAIN ENGLISH TO ME AGAIN.
FINE, HE WAS MAN-NABBED.

FOR THE SECOND TIME IN THREE YEARS, THE COUNTY I LIVE IN - SONOMA COUNTY, CALIFORNIA - HAS SUFFERED THROUGH MASSIVE FIRES.
BUT THROUGHOUT IT ALL, WE WERE PROTECTED BY FIREFIGHTERS: PEOPLE WHO RACED TOWARD THE FIRE WHILE WE RACED AWAY, RISKING THEIR LIVES FOR PEOPLE THEY OFTEN DON'T EVEN KNOW.
SO WHILE THE TERM "HERO" IS SOMETIMES USED FOR ANY ACTOR OR ATHLETE WE MAY LIKE, LET'S APPLY THE WORD TO THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY ARE.
THANK YOU.
JUST DOING MY JOB.

HEY, PIG, THIS IS MY BUDDY, EMIL.
HEY, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO DEVELOP MY E.S.P. SKILLS.
WHAT'S THAT?
EXTRAORDINARY PERCEPTION. IT'S WHERE YOU PERCEIVE THINGS WITHOUT USING YOUR FIVE SENSES. LET ME SHOW YOU, E.
OKAY, SO I PUT A PACKET OF TEA UNDER THIS BOX, AND ITS TEA THAT HAS SPECIAL SIGNIFICANCE TO ME.
SO?
SO CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TELL ME WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE AND WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT...USING JUST THAT SENSE.
WHAT SENSE?
OUR E...S...P... SEE TEA FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME.
SOCK IT TO HIM, SOCK IT TO HIM, SOCK IT TO HIM, SOCK IT TO HIM.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, I KNOW WE DON'T GET ALONG THAT WELL, SO I WROTE OUT A LIST OF THINGS WE COULD DO TO MAYBE IMPROVE OUR RELATIONSHIP.
OKAY, LET ME SEE IT.
You stop being you.
HE WASN'T THAT RECEPTIVE.

On Being Drunk
Being drunk is like having a superpower...
My charisma is compelling to all!
...That only exists in your head.
My charisma is compelling to all.
SO JUST LIKE SUPERMAN, BUT PASSED OUT IN A GUTTER.
AND WITH A BELLY.

I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING TO THAT NEW FINANCIAL ADVISOR DOWNTOWN.
DON'T DO IT. HE TOLD ME TO 'BUY LOW, SELL HIGH,' AND I LOST EVERYTHING.
I WILL SELL THAT STOCK BECAUSE I LOVE PURPLE AND MY HAND IS HUGE.
NOT WHAT HE MEANT.
THEN I ATE EVERYTHING IN THE PANTRY AND CLEANED THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

HEY, PIG... YOU GOING TO THE CAFE TODAY?
CAN'T... I KEEP GETTING PICKED ON BY A BULLY.
OH, NO. WHO?
THE WORLD.
I WAS GONNA OFFER TO BEAT SOMEONE UP.
COULD BE HARD.

WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
I HAD TO CLEAN MY R.P.G., SIR. I'M AFRAID IT LEFT OIL STAINS.
OH, GUARD DUCK, I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT YOUR R.P.G. ON THE FRONT LAWN ANYMORE. THIS IS WHY.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
SHOOT.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS NOT THE BEST MEANS OF COMMUNICATION.

SELF-IMPROVEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
Decide on one thing you think you can be better at than anyone else. Then pursue that thing day and night until you've attained that goal.
Finishing last in every contest.
THAT'S A BIG TIME-SAVER.

RAT, IT'S YOUR BOSS AT THE CAFE. WHERE ARE YOU?
SLEEPING.
WELL, GET YOUR @#$S IN HERE- YOUR SHIFT STARTED TEN MINUTES AGO.
CAN'T. WE LIVE IN A GLOBAL ECONOMY NOW.
SO?
SO TO STAY COMPETITIVE AS A CORPORATION, YOU NEED TO PROVIDE WORKERS WITH THE SAME BENEFITS AS ABROAD.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, THE FINNS GET 25 PAID VACATION DAYS PLUS 11 PAID HOLIDAYS.
ABSURD.
NO. ABSURD IS THE FRENCH. THEY GET EIGHT WEEKS.
WHAT?!
OH, AND SWEDES GET 480 DAYS OF PATERNITY LEAVE. SO I WANT THAT TOO.
SINCE WHEN ARE YOU A FATHER?
SINCE I GAVE BIRTH TO THIS IDEA.
NO ONE LIKES MY IDEAS.

HI. CAN I PLEASE HAVE THE JUMBO HAMBURGER COMBO, BUT MAYBE WITH LESS FRENCH FRIES THAN NORMAL?
CAN'T YOU JUST NOT EAT THEM ALL?
IF YOU PUT A PLATE OF FRENCH FRIES IN FRONT OF ME, MY FACE WILL SUCK THEM UP LIKE A FOOD VACUUM STUCK ON 'ON.'
WHAT A PRETTY IMAGE.
FRENCH FRIES CRUSH FREE WILL.

HOW COME YOU NEVER SEEM OUTRAGED BY WHAT OUR GOVERNMENT IS DOING? DON’T YOU CARE?
YEAH I CARE.
THEN WHY DON’T YOU LOOK OUTRAGED?
BECAUSE I’M IN-RAGED. DEEP DOWN. BURNING LIKE A DUMPSTER FIRE.
THAT DOESN’T SEEM HEALTHY.
I PLAN ON ONE DAY EXPLODING LIKE A VOLCANO.

HEY, ZEBRA, WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I WENT TO CHURCH AND GAVE CONFESSION.
DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH TO CONFESS?
NO, NOT REALLY. I GUESS YOU CAN DO IT ANYWHERE.
I AM LONELY, SO I SPEND ALL DAY ON MY PHONE IN HOPES OF MAKING A PERSONAL CONNECTION THAT NEVER COMES!!
DIFFERENT KIND OF CONFESSION.
WHY IS EVERYONE STARING?

HI. I'M WONDERING IF YOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE I PHONE 6 COVERS.
DID YOU LOSE YOURS?
NO. I NEVER HAD ONE. I WANT TO BUY ONE.
SIR, WE DON'T SELL THEM HERE.
OOH, ISN'T THAT JUST LIKE YOU GUYS?? NEW PHONE MODEL COMES OUT AND YOU FREEZE OUT ALL OF US OLDER MODEL OWNERS! WELL, THAT DOES IT! SIR, AM BUYING A SAMSUNG!!
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
NO CLUE.

HEY, ARE YOU THE GUY WHO JUST GAVE ME THE FINGER IN THE PARKING LOT?
YEAH, YOU CUT ME OFF. YOU DESERVED THE FINGER.
YOU USED BOTH HANDS.
I DOUBLE IT FOR GUYS IN PORSCHES.
OOH. I DO THAT WITH PEOPLE IN PRIUSES.
I THINK IT'S PRII.
AWW. THEY JUST DRIVE SLOW.

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
HI, LAYLA THE LIFE COACH. NOT GOOD. I CAN NEVER SEEM TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.
WELL, PIG, ONE TECHNIQUE IS TO VISUALIZE ALL THE THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU WORK REALLY, REALLY HARD.
Well, looks like you have an ulcer.
THAT DIDN'T HELP.

HEY, PIG. I HEAR YOUR GRANDMA DIED... I'M--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SAFE PLACE WHERE I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON EVERYONE I LOVE SO NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN TO THEM
I'M AFRAID IT DOESN'T WORK THIS WAY, PIG.
DON'T DISTRACT ME. I'M STANDING GUARD.
AT SOME POINT, I'LL NEED TO USE THE HEAD.
Bad things stay away!

DING!
Hi Pigita. So it's been 3 days since we broke up. And I just wanted u to know I didn't think about u at all today.
DING!
I didn't think about u the day before either.
DING!
I didn't think about u the day before that either.
So, as I sit here alone, that's what I'm not thinking about today.
GEE, THAT DOESN'T LOOK PATHETIC AT ALL.
Anyhow
What r u not thinking about these days?

PARTIES.
ME AT PARTIES.
IT'S A WONDER YOU DON'T GET INVITED TO MORE.
BOOKS BEAT PEOPLE.

...AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK ABOUT IMMIGRATION.
OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE A TOTAL MORON.
THAT DIDN'T CONVINCE YOU OF THE CORRECTNESS OF MY POSITION?
NO.
I NEED A NEW PERSUASION TECHNIQUE.

Whuh you doing, son?
VOCABULARY TEST. MY ENGLISH TEACHER GIVES US ONE A WEEK.
Please use the word “detest” in a sentence.
DE test is big waste of son’s time.
I DON’T THINK SHE’LL BE HAPPY.
Yeah. English teachers is sad, grumpy bunch.

HEY... HAPPY GUY... LOOK AT YOUR PHONE.
NOPE.
C'MON...YOU'RE CURIOUS... YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
NO I DON'T.
YES YOU DO! YES YOU DO!
NO I DON'T!
YES YOU DO!!
YES YOU DO!!
NO I DON'T!! NO I DON'T!!
SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO AVOID THE WORLD.

HIYA, RAT...
HOW GOES YOUR MORN---
MY MOOD TODAY IS
MY MOOD TODAY IS ROTTEN
THE MOOD HAT IS SO HELPFUL.