Pearls Before Swine | Search

SELF-IMPROVEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
Decide on one thing you think you can be better at than anyone else. Then pursue that thing day and night until you've attained that goal.
Finishing last in every contest.
THAT'S A BIG TIME-SAVER.

RAT, IT'S YOUR BOSS AT THE CAFE. WHERE ARE YOU?
SLEEPING.
WELL, GET YOUR @#$S IN HERE- YOUR SHIFT STARTED TEN MINUTES AGO.
CAN'T. WE LIVE IN A GLOBAL ECONOMY NOW.
SO?
SO TO STAY COMPETITIVE AS A CORPORATION, YOU NEED TO PROVIDE WORKERS WITH THE SAME BENEFITS AS ABROAD.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, THE FINNS GET 25 PAID VACATION DAYS PLUS 11 PAID HOLIDAYS.
ABSURD.
NO. ABSURD IS THE FRENCH. THEY GET EIGHT WEEKS.
WHAT?!
OH, AND SWEDES GET 480 DAYS OF PATERNITY LEAVE. SO I WANT THAT TOO.
SINCE WHEN ARE YOU A FATHER?
SINCE I GAVE BIRTH TO THIS IDEA.
NO ONE LIKES MY IDEAS.

HI. CAN I PLEASE HAVE THE JUMBO HAMBURGER COMBO, BUT MAYBE WITH LESS FRENCH FRIES THAN NORMAL?
CAN'T YOU JUST NOT EAT THEM ALL?
IF YOU PUT A PLATE OF FRENCH FRIES IN FRONT OF ME, MY FACE WILL SUCK THEM UP LIKE A FOOD VACUUM STUCK ON 'ON.'
WHAT A PRETTY IMAGE.
FRENCH FRIES CRUSH FREE WILL.

HOW COME YOU NEVER SEEM OUTRAGED BY WHAT OUR GOVERNMENT IS DOING? DON’T YOU CARE?
YEAH I CARE.
THEN WHY DON’T YOU LOOK OUTRAGED?
BECAUSE I’M IN-RAGED. DEEP DOWN. BURNING LIKE A DUMPSTER FIRE.
THAT DOESN’T SEEM HEALTHY.
I PLAN ON ONE DAY EXPLODING LIKE A VOLCANO.

HEY, ZEBRA, WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I WENT TO CHURCH AND GAVE CONFESSION.
DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH TO CONFESS?
NO, NOT REALLY. I GUESS YOU CAN DO IT ANYWHERE.
I AM LONELY, SO I SPEND ALL DAY ON MY PHONE IN HOPES OF MAKING A PERSONAL CONNECTION THAT NEVER COMES!!
DIFFERENT KIND OF CONFESSION.
WHY IS EVERYONE STARING?

HI. I'M WONDERING IF YOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE I PHONE 6 COVERS.
DID YOU LOSE YOURS?
NO. I NEVER HAD ONE. I WANT TO BUY ONE.
SIR, WE DON'T SELL THEM HERE.
OOH, ISN'T THAT JUST LIKE YOU GUYS?? NEW PHONE MODEL COMES OUT AND YOU FREEZE OUT ALL OF US OLDER MODEL OWNERS! WELL, THAT DOES IT! SIR, AM BUYING A SAMSUNG!!
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
NO CLUE.

HEY, ARE YOU THE GUY WHO JUST GAVE ME THE FINGER IN THE PARKING LOT?
YEAH, YOU CUT ME OFF. YOU DESERVED THE FINGER.
YOU USED BOTH HANDS.
I DOUBLE IT FOR GUYS IN PORSCHES.
OOH. I DO THAT WITH PEOPLE IN PRIUSES.
I THINK IT'S PRII.
AWW. THEY JUST DRIVE SLOW.

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
HI, LAYLA THE LIFE COACH. NOT GOOD. I CAN NEVER SEEM TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.
WELL, PIG, ONE TECHNIQUE IS TO VISUALIZE ALL THE THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU WORK REALLY, REALLY HARD.
Well, looks like you have an ulcer.
THAT DIDN'T HELP.

HEY, PIG. I HEAR YOUR GRANDMA DIED... I'M--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SAFE PLACE WHERE I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON EVERYONE I LOVE SO NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN TO THEM
I'M AFRAID IT DOESN'T WORK THIS WAY, PIG.
DON'T DISTRACT ME. I'M STANDING GUARD.
AT SOME POINT, I'LL NEED TO USE THE HEAD.
Bad things stay away!

DING!
Hi Pigita. So it's been 3 days since we broke up. And I just wanted u to know I didn't think about u at all today.
DING!
I didn't think about u the day before either.
DING!
I didn't think about u the day before that either.
So, as I sit here alone, that's what I'm not thinking about today.
GEE, THAT DOESN'T LOOK PATHETIC AT ALL.
Anyhow
What r u not thinking about these days?

PARTIES.
ME AT PARTIES.
IT'S A WONDER YOU DON'T GET INVITED TO MORE.
BOOKS BEAT PEOPLE.

...AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK ABOUT IMMIGRATION.
OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE A TOTAL MORON.
THAT DIDN'T CONVINCE YOU OF THE CORRECTNESS OF MY POSITION?
NO.
I NEED A NEW PERSUASION TECHNIQUE.

Whuh you doing, son?
VOCABULARY TEST. MY ENGLISH TEACHER GIVES US ONE A WEEK.
Please use the word “detest” in a sentence.
DE test is big waste of son’s time.
I DON’T THINK SHE’LL BE HAPPY.
Yeah. English teachers is sad, grumpy bunch.

HEY... HAPPY GUY... LOOK AT YOUR PHONE.
NOPE.
C'MON...YOU'RE CURIOUS... YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
NO I DON'T.
YES YOU DO! YES YOU DO!
NO I DON'T!
YES YOU DO!!
YES YOU DO!!
NO I DON'T!! NO I DON'T!!
SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO AVOID THE WORLD.

HIYA, RAT...
HOW GOES YOUR MORN---
MY MOOD TODAY IS
MY MOOD TODAY IS ROTTEN
THE MOOD HAT IS SO HELPFUL.

GOOD-BYE, MOM.
GOOD-BYE, JOJO.
BE CAREFUL. THERE ARE BAD PEOPLE OUT THERE.
I KNOW.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE. IN ANY PRETEXT THEY CAN FIND TO BEAT YOU UP,
I'LL JUST WATCH, BECAUSE THEY'LL GANG UP ON YOU IF THEY WORK IN GROUPS.
I'LL BETTER WATCH MY MOUTH IN GROUPS.
ALL RIGHT, MA. GOOD-BYE.
HEY. DON'T FIGHT. JUST BE SAFE, ALL RIGHT.
DON'T FIGHT. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY!
BYE.
BUT ONE DAY HE SAID THE WRONG THING.
AND THE GANGS POUNCED.
FREE JOJO NOW!
JOIN THE MARCH FOR JOJO.
FIND JOJO'S DOTEDs.
TEN REASONS TO HATE JOJO.
BOYCOTT JOJO!!!!
NO JOJO ZONE.
T-SHIRTS AT THE JOJO TONIGHT!!!
And JoJo's mom never let him leave the house again ...
here are the gangs that just want you to join.
AH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
Pig.
Guys, I'm sitting next to JoJo defenders.

HEY CHRIS THE CROSSING GUARD, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
JUST CHECKING MY MUTUAL FUNDS.
CAN I CROSS?
SURE.
WHAM
I SHOULD PAY MORE ATTENTION.

SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO USE TWITTER?
WELL, I USE IT TO SHARE MY VIEWS, SHOW SOME OF MY WRITINGS, MY PHOTOS. TALK ABOUT SOME OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
tap tap tap tap tap
Pig
Find me significant.
JUST SAVING TIME.

WHATCHA DOING, PIG?
I JUST JOINED TWITTER, BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO DO NEXT.
WELL, YOU SEND OUT A TWEET.
Pig
Tweet.
THIS SEEMS POINTLESS.

HEY, TED. I HEAR WE'RE NO LONGER SUPPOSED TO USE THE TERM "CYCLIST."
CORRECT. IT'S DEHUMANIZING.
I UNDERSTAND. ARE ANY OF THESE TERMS PREFERABLE?
Heels on wheels
Lycra Loons
Pedaller Meddlers
Mob O' Snobs
HE SAID TO STICK WITH "CYCLIST."

DID YOU HEAR THERE'S A MOVE-
MENT TO DO AWAY
WITH THE WORD
'CYCLIST' ?
HOW
COME ?
CYCLISTS SAY ITS DEHUMAN-
IZING AND LEADS TO THEM
BEING DISLIKED.
I DISLIKE THEM FOR
MAKING STUPID REQUESTS
LIKE THAT.
MAYBE I'M
TALKING TO
THE WRONG
GUY.
HEY
TRUCKERS!
YOU NEED
A NEW
NAME!

OH, UNIVERSE. GIVE ME ANSWERS.
One cannot live life without a purpose. A reason to persevere. An answer to the question, 'Why am I here?'
Thus, pizza.
I KNEW THIS FELT RIGHT.

LARRY, I NOTICE YOU
HAVEN'T MADE ANY
CONTRIBUTIONS TO
THE CHURCH'S
COLLECTION CUP.
YEAH, I SAVE MY
BEER.
Wuh me need for?
BEER.
WELL, NOT TO BE TOO BLUNT ABOUT IT, BUT I THINK THE BLESSINGS
OF GOD ARE A BIT MORE IMPORTANT.
Me go fetch more beer.
BECAUSE ONE DAY THERE WILL BE A GREAT RAPTURE WHERE ALL THE
BELIEVERS WILL SUDDENLY DISAPPEAR FROM EARTH AND BE
TRANSPORTED TO HEAVEN, WHILE ALL THOSE STILL HERE WILL SUFFER
IN AN ETERNAL HELL.
CLICK
AAAAHHHHHHH
HIDING IN THE
CLOSET SEEMS UNETHICAL,
FATHER.
WE DO
WHAT WE
MUST, SON.
WHO LOOK LIKE
ME IS BLOW FUSE,
ME GO FETCH NEW BULB.
ME DONATE
EVERYTHING!!! GEEV BEER TO
ORPHANS!!!

HERE YOU GO, SIR.
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S WHAT YOU ORDERED.
SOME MAN'S NAME WRITTEN IN MUSTARD?
OUR SIGNATURE DISH.
IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S NOT WORTH FIFTY BUCKS.

HI!
HI!
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
AM I IMPRESSING YOU?
Also, you all look much older than me.
EVERY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION EVER.
WHO DROVE THE BEST CAR?