Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY RAT, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
WINE. I SPLURGED LIKE A RICH PERSON AND BOUGHT A $1000 BOTTLE OF CABERNET, WHICH I'M ABOUT TO TRY.
WINE. DRINK DRINK DRINK
WELL, WHAT'S IT TASTE LIKE?
WINE.
EVER FEEL LIKE ALL OF LIFE IS ONE BIG HOAX?
YES! AND I'M NEVER IN ON IT!

MY DAILY WORRIES BROKEN DOWN BY PERCENTAGES:
40%: WORRIES ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED.
30%: WORRIES ABOUT THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN.
29%: WORRIES ABOUT THINGS THAT MAY HAPPEN.
1%: NOT WORRYING AND THEREBY WORRYING THAT I'M LETTING MY GUARD DOWN.
FUN DAY.
I WORRIED YOU'D SAY THAT.

WELL, PIG, I'VE DISCOVERED A VACCINE.
FOR THE VIRUS?
STUPIDITY. IT'S CALLED READING.
DOES MY FACEBOOK FEED COUNT?
YEAH, THAT WORSENS THINGS.

HEY, RAT, WANT REPEATED VEGETABLES FOR DINNER? OR "RE-VEG," AS I CALL THEM.
WHAT IS THAT?
SAME VEGGIES AS LAST NIGHT. REPETITION MAKES THEM TASTE BETTER.
DON'T YOU AT LEAST WARM THEM UP?
RE-VEG IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD.
I'LL REMEMBER THAT WHEN I BEAT YOU WITH A CUCUMBER.

TODAY IS GONNA BE A WONDERFUL DAY!
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE BY MY COUNT, WE'VE HAD 120 STRAIGHT BAD ONES.
AND OUR LUCK CHANGES NOW!
LAST THING I ALWAYS SAID BEFORE LOSING AT THE CRAPS TABLE.
UH OH, DON'T CHECK YOUR TWITTER FEED.

Catch fairy here
HI, MAGIC FAIRY MARY.
HIYA, PIG.
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
I NEED YOU TO FIX THE WHOLE WORLD. THE VIRUS. THE RACISM. THE PLANET. THE HUNGRY.
OKAY, JUST ONE PROBLEM.
WHAT’S THAT?
I DON’T EXIST.
But you do.

HEY, GOAT. I SEE ON MY PHONE THAT YOU CALLED. WHAT DO YOU NEED?
DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO MY MESSAGE?
WHY SHOULD I?
WHEN I CAN JUST CALL YOU BACK AND ASK WHAT YOU WANT?
THEN WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER LEAVING MESSAGES?
BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU WON'T REMEMBER WHY YOU CALLED?
WHY DID I CALL?
DON'T KNOW.
DIDN'T LISTEN.

Dear life,
You've been very difficult lately.
But I'm gonna be happy anyways.
Because I can be difficult too.

I FEEL LIKE I’VE ACCOMPLISHED SO LITTLE IN MY LIFE.
HEY… ALWAYS REMEMBER… TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
WHOA. THAT IS SO INSPIRATIONAL.
IT IS, ISN’T IT?
BUT IF I PUT IT OFF ‘TIL TOMORROW, WON’T THAT ALSO BE THE FIRST DAY?
YOU’RE RUINING THE INSPIRATION.
HEY. I CAN PUT THIS OFF FOREVER.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND AL. HE'S A CERTIFIED GENIUS.
YEAH, WELL, THAT TERM GETS THROWN AROUND TOO LOOSELY. WHAT MAKES HIM A "GENIUS"?
I UNDERSTOOD THE ENTIRE PLOT OF 'INCEPTION'.
OKAY, YOU'RE THE REAL DEAL.
AND ALMOST HALF OF 'MEMENTO'.
NOW HE'S JUST SHOWING OFF.

HOW TO GET THROUGH ALL THIS
TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
TOO HARD.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
I'M ON THE MINUTE BY MINUTE PLAN.
OOH. ANOTHER ONE DOWN.

HEY, PIG, ARE YOU GONNA GET OUT OF BED TODAY?
NO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE LIFE HAS NOT PROVEN ITSELF WORTHY OF MY ATTENDANCE.
YOU MAKE A FAIR POINT.
I'LL TRY WHEN IT DOES.

HEY. HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THE GUY WHO TOOK ALL THE TOILET PAPER.
WHAT FOR?
WHEN THE PANDEMIC HIT, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, IF THINGS GET REALLY BAD, AND ITS EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF, WHAT ITEM WILL BE THE MOST CRUCIAL FOR MY SURVIVAL?
FOOD?
WATER?
MEDICINE?
HEAT?
FUEL?
HONEY, WE GOTTA GO BACK TO THE STORE... NOW.
BEFORE YOU GO, SPARE A SQUARE?

WHERE ARE YOU, YOU STUPID MUSE!!!
THE LIFE OF A WRITER.
NO WONDER YOU DRINK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS?
TO ALWAYS TRY YOUR BEST.
WHY IS THAT THE KEY?
BECAUSE THAT WAY WHEN YOU FAIL, YOU'LL KNOW YOU CAN'T DO ANY BETTER AND CAN THEN JUST SIT AROUND EATING BONBONS.
I DO THAT NOW!
SO YOU'VE ALREADY SUCCEEDED.
LET'S START OVER.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I'VE BEEN GIVEN SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR TO FOCUS ON MYSELF AND WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME, ALL WHILE SPENDING MORE TIME WITH MY LOVED ONES.
THE GUY EVEN SEES THE BRIGHT SIDE OF A PANDEMIC.
GO, PIG, GO.

DO YOU THINK LIFE IS ABSURD?
I THINK IT'S MORE WONDERFUL THAN ABSURD.
DID YOU KNOW THERE IS AN ACCOUNTING HALL OF FAME?
OKAY, MAYBE MORE ABSURD.
DO YOU THINK THE BUILDING IS A GIANT GREEN VISOR?

The key to happiness is to worry less.
THAT’S GREAT, PIG. HOW DO YOU RECOMMEND DOING THAT?
Have no problems in your life.
I JUST MASTERED EXISTENCE.

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY.
AWW... THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.
TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY.
AND IT MIGHT BE WORSE THAN THIS ONE.
MY BETTERNESS IS FEELING LESS BETTERY.
JUST TRYING TO BE REALISTIC HERE.

Hey,
Bob.
Welcome,
Joe.
Your place to stand
is the designated circle you're in now.
Okay,
Any food?
Of course not. No
way to handle
it safely.
Oh,
right.
There is canned beer
if your germ-proof pod
comes with the sterilized
arm attachment.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Is that a crack in your sterilized arm?
IT IS! CLOROX SPRINKLERS ON!!!
FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I CALL IT
'SOCIAL
GATHERINGS
IN 2021'
MOVE TWO INCHES TO THE LEFT, PLEASE.

DO YOU FEEL BAD FOR BEING SO DIFFICULT?
NO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I'M LIKE ACUPUNCTURE.
I'M A PAIN THAT DISTRACTS YOU FROM OTHER PAINS.
STILL BAD.
SOME CALL THAT HEALING.

HEY, I WAS TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR MAYOR, BUT THERE WERE NO NEWSPAPERS IN THE NEWS-PAPER RACK.
YEAH. THERE'S NO MORE PAPER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE SUBSCRIBED. WITHOUT SUBSCRIBERS, THEY HAD NO MONEY TO PUT OUT A NEWSPAPER.
AND HERE I THOUGHT IT CAME FROM MAGIC ELVES.
THEY JUST DO TOYS.

HEY, PIG, HOW COME YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD?
OH... I COME FROM A BROKEN HOME.
WHAT HAPPENED?
THE PLUMBING NEVER WORKED.
NOT REALLY A BROKEN HOME.
YOU COULD NOT FLUSH THE TOILET.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
KEEPING AN EYE ON LIFE. WE'RE CERTAIN IT HAS SOME TERRIBLE SURPRISE IN STORE FOR US. SO WE'RE HIDING AND STAYING ALERT.
WHAT AN AWFUL WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE. I PREFER TO ENJOY EACH AND EVERY DAY.
HE'S LOST IT.

WHAZAM
KABLOOEY
TAXES WILL NOT MAGICALLY DO THEMSELVES.