Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PIG.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO THIS MORNING?
GETTING
MOTIVATED!
TERRIFIC! MOTIVATED
TO DO WHAT?
TO STAY IN BED LONGER.
I DON'T THINK
THAT COUNTS.
HEY, MAN.
YOU'RE BREAKING
MY FOCUS.

The town was in ruins and the people didn't know what to do.
Wait a minute, said Stevie Shovelnose, "MY" family has been with shovels for noses. Surely we can begin clearing debris.
And my family could saw wood for the homes, added Suzy Sawnose.
And my people could hammer all that together, offered an excited Henry Hammernose.
Soon all the townspeople were volunteering because they realized for the very first time that each part of the family was part of a whole, uniquely able to contribute to the greater good.
And I can sue for injuries below the standard of care!
Except Barry Briefcase-nose, who was buried by Stevie Shovelnose.
ALMOST A FEE-GOOD STORY.
NO, NO, FEE- GOOD.
RUN, PETEY POLITICIAN-NOSE. RUN!

WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT PARTY, PIGITA, AND, UH, I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE?
NEVER END A SENTENCE WITH A PROPOSITION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING BACK AT MY GOALS FOR THE PAST YEAR AND SEEING HOW I DID.
2019 Fitness Goals:
Live how I want and be happy.
ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL YEAR.

HUMANITY IS TOO FRACTURED INTO SILLY GROUPS THAT WANT TO DESTROY EACH OTHER. DIFFERENT RELIGIONS. DIFFERENT POLITICS. DIFFERENT ETHNICITIES.
AND IT'S SO DUMB. EVERYONE'S JUST HUMAN. AND BESIDES, THERE'S ONLY ONE DIVISION THAT EVEN MATTERS.
GOOD PEOPLE AND BAD PEOPLE?
GOOD PEOPLE AND THOSE WHO DRINK KALE SMOOTHIES.
ALMOST A NORMAL CONVERSATION.
I'M THINKING WE SHOULD DESTROY THEM.

List of New Year's Resolutions
1) Spend all my waking hours pursuing my life's goals.
2) Nap so much there are no waking hours.
I CAN DO THIS.

December
TOSS
FLICK
FOOSH
SOME YEARS YOU JUST HAVE TO PURGE.

WHERE YOU HEADED, RAT?
NEW BAR ON THE CORNER. COME CHECK IT OUT WITH ME.
SEEMS SKETCHY.
BAR
FINALLY, A JOKE YOU CAN DRAW.
THAT HURTS.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M THE NEW YEAR'S BABY HERE TO WISH YOU A 'NEW YEAR'!
I THINK THE EXPRESSION IS 'HAPPY NEW YEAR'.
YEAH, BUT I CAN SEE WHAT'S COMING NEXT YEAR.
OH GOD... HELP US ALL
GLUG
GLUG
GLUG
GLUG
I'M WORRIED ABOUT NEXT YEAR.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION AND WE NOTICED YOU HAD A GIRL OVER YESTERDAY. ARE YOU DATING HER?
YES. WHY?
BECAUSE WE DON'T THINK SHE'S RIGHT FOR YOU. WE'RE ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP.
OUR H.O.A. HAS BROAD POWERS.

HEY, CAN YOU GIMME A JACK TO GO?
SURE, BUT YOU CAN'T CARRY AN OPEN DRINK AROUND. I'D HAVE TO GIVE YOU A BOX OR SOMETHING.
FINE.
GREAT... I'LL GO GET IT.
BARTENDERS SHOULD REFRAIN FROM ALL FORMS OF HUMOR.

I HEARD YOU THINK YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH PIGITA IS OVER.
YEAH. WE WERE CHATTING BY TEXT AND I SAID 'GREAT TALKING' AND SHE REPLIED WITH THIS...
TTYL
THAT'S 'TALK TO YOU LATER'.
OH.
I THOUGHT IT WAS 'TERRIBLE TALKING, YOU LARDO'.

HEY, RAT, CAN YOU DRIVE ME TO THE AIRPORT TOMORROW?
LOVE TO. BUT I CAN'T. TOO BUSY.
OH. OKAY. HEY, DO ME A FAVOR. GO TO 'SETTINGS' ON YOUR PHONE. THEN 'BATTERY' THEN SCROLL DOWN TO WHERE IT SHOWS HOW MANY HOURS A DAY YOU SPEND MESSING AROUND ON YOUR PHONE.
SEVENTEEN.
TIME MANAGEMENT MAY BE AN ISSUE.

WHAT'S IT LIKE HAVING A CHILD, STEPH?
HAVING A CHILD IS LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN HEART RUNNING AROUND IN THE STREETS AND NOT ALWAYS LOOKING BOTH WAYS.
THAT'S THE CORRECT EXPRESSION.
LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU STUPID LITTLE THING!

Dear Monday,
You are the least popular day of the week.
If you were a Brady, you'd be Jan
YOU THINK ANYONE WILL GET THE REFERENCE?
I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT A MONDAY IS.
FRIDAY IS SOOOO MARCIA.

AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE IN YOUR STOCKING THIS YEAR?
IPHONE!
LEGOS!
X BOX!
NO MORE SHOOTINGS.

THANKS FOR
BOOKING YOUR
FLIGHT ON ACME
AIRLINES. CAN WE
DO ANYTHING
ELSE FOR YOU?
YES. ONE
QUESTION.
ARE THERE
ANY NUNS
ON THE
FLIGHT?
I HAVE NO
WAY OF KNOWING
THAT, SIR, BUT
WHY DOES IT
MATTER?
I FIGURE
IT'S SAFER
GIVEN THAT
NUNS ARE
IMMORTAL.
I BELIEVE
NUNS DIE,
SIR.
SAY
WHAT?
I NEED
TO GO
NOW, SIR.
WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT .... IS CHER
ON BOARD?

HEY, PIG, SINCE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PAYS THE BILLS, HOW MUCH DO WE PAY A MONTH FOR CABLE?
I'LL HAVE TO GO LOOK AT THE BILL.
JUST TELL ME ROUGHLY.
WE PAY. ABOUT. A HUNDRED... BUCKS...
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS FAR TOO AMBIGUOUS.

Personal milestones attained this year:
GOT FATTER!
I LIKE TO FRAME THINGS AS A POSITIVE.

HEY, SCIENTIST SAL. HOW DOES SCIENCE KNOW IF SOMETHING IS TRUE?
WELL, WE DO RESEARCH, DEVELOP A THEORY, AND THEN ASK OTHER SCIENTISTS TO DO A PEER REVIEW.
LOOKS SOLID.
NICE WOOD.
I THINK YOU'VE CONFUSED HIM.
AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST FOR FISHING.

HEY, RAT, I WAS THINKING OF INVITING YOUR MOM TO MY PARTY. CAN YOU GIVE ME HER NUMBER?
NO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE WITH ME.
SO?
SO MY PHONE HAS ALL THE INFORMATION THAT MY BRAIN USED TO HAVE. THUS, MY UNUSED BRAIN JUST WITHERED AWAY AND DIED.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
WHAT'S TOO BAD?
WHAT'S TOO BAD?

RAT SAYS YOU TOOK THE TEN COMMANDMENTS AND SHORTENED THEM TO JUST THREE.
CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
DOGS, TOO
CATS IFFY
SOME OF US LOVE CATS.
SORRY. ALLERGIC.

We were informed!!
Purple is the only great color.
YEP. YEP. YEP.
And now we welcome to the newscast the world's foremost expert on color, MR. PURPLEY McPURP.
AM AN EEERRKPEERRRT.
PURPLE HAS BEEN PROVEN BEST.
KNEW IT. KNEW IT. KNEW IT.
And the proof is this... Have you ever heard even one great thing about red? Blue? Green? Yellow?
BUBBLE OF RED
BUBBLE OF RED
MORE MORE MORE
YOR! YOU!
BUBBLE OF BLUE
BUBBLE OF PURPLE
YOU'RE THE GREATEST CARTOONIST WE'VE EVER SEEN.
BAM BAM BAM
READ BETTER STRIPS! READ BETTER STRIPS!

DO YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD THAT I SEND EMAILS TO MYSELF TO REMIND ME OF STUFF I HAVE TO DO?
WHY IS THAT WEIRD?
BECAUSE WHEN I GET THEM, I MARK THEM AS SPAM.
THAT CHANGES THINGS.
I WISH MYSELF WOULD STOP BUGGING ME.

HELLO? HI... IS RICHARD THERE?
YEAH. THIS IS HIM.
OH, GREAT. WE JUST FINISHED PAINTING YOUR PORSCHE AND WERE WONDERING IF YOU NEED US TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.
YEAH. GIMME POLKA DOTS ON THE SIDES.
SOME PEOPLE JUST SAY "WRONG NUMBER."
MORE FUN MY WAY.