Pearls Before Swine | Search

WELCOME TO OUR BEGINNERS MEDITATION COURSE. FIRST THING I'D LIKE YOU ALL TO DO IS CLOSE YOUR EYES… BREATHE DEEP… AND LET GO… LET GO OF ALL YOUR ANGER.
AARRGGHH
CRACK
NOT THAT WAY.
SORRY. HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.

HI, RAT... WELCOME TO MY PARTY. COME ON IN...
THE GUESTS ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM. THE FOOD AND DRINKS ARE IN THE KITCHEN.
SOCIAL GATHERINGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT THE "SOCIAL" PART.

FIRST HALF OF YOUR LIFE
SECOND HALF OF YOUR LIFE
FINDING FAULT WITH YOUR PARENTS...
REALIZING YOU'RE TOO SIMILAR TO YOUR PARENTS TO KEEP DOING THAT.
TSK TSK TSK
OH.
GOT ANYONE NEW I CAN BLAME?
CHECK OUT THIS GUY.

HEY, GOAT, WHERE WERE YOU LAST WEEKEND?
I WENT TO A WRITERS RETREAT.
RUN! RUN! WRITING'S TOO HARD!!
I'D GIVE UP, TOO.
I'M SO CONFUSED.

HEY STEPH, WERE YOU ALIVE DURING WORLD WAR TWO?
ARE YOU NUTS? THAT WAR ENDED 23 YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN.
I KNOW. I'M JUST SAYING IT FOR PERSPECTIVE.
PERSPECTIVE ON WHAT?
THE FACT THAT YOUR PROM WAS 34 YEARS AGO.
THEN HE GUZZLED RUM AND CRIED.

Dear World,
Please stop
picking on
me.
Seriously.
There are
seven billion
other people.
Surely with
Google Maps
you can find
one.
SOMETIMES THE WORLD
JUST GETS LAZY.

THIS IS WHAT LIFE'S ALL ABOUT, HUH?
#bestsunsetever
35 likes
#bestsunsetever
100 likes
YES!
#bestsunsetever
15 likes
YES.
I REMEMBER WHEN A MOMENT COULD JUST BE A MOMENT.
SAID THE GUY WITH ZERO FOLLOWERS!

YOU'VE BEEN SO GOOD. I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TO THE PARK AND THE ZOO AND THE FAIR.
YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE AWFUL. SO YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. BAD... BAD... BAD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FAVORING MY RIGHT LEG.
HE GETS STRANGER BY THE YEAR.
OKAY, GUESS WHO'S GETTING THE SOCK WITH THE BEE?

I WALKED INTO THIS ROOM FOR A REASON AND NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER WHY.

TO FIND OUT YOU'RE GETTING OLD AND ARE NOW ON THE LONG SLOW ROAD TO THE NURSING HOME.

THAT WASN'T IT.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

HI, MAMA. DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE INTO THE WHOLE PRINCE THING, BUT IF YOU ARE, JUST GIMME A KISS.
PURPLE RAIN PUUURPLE RAIN.
GONNA WASH MY LIPS NOW.
LIIITTLE RED CORVETTE.

HEY, SLOW-TALKING SAL. HOW GOES IT?
I... GOT...
LAID
...OFF.
YOU'RE SHORTENING MY LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
STUDYING AN ADMINISTRATIVE MAP OF LOUISIANA FOR MY GOVERNMENT CLASS.
OH, YEAH? WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?
WELL, THE MOUTH OF THE MISSISSIPPI IS RIGHT HERE. SO I'M WONDERING IF IT FLOODS, WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS COUNTY AND THIS COUNTY.
PARISHES.
THAT POOR COUNTY.
NEVER MIND.

RAT'S INSPIRATIONAL MESSAGE FOR THE DAY
THERE ARE NO LIMITS TO WHAT YOU CAN DO!
Except your lack of skill. That will stop you cold.
I LIKE TO KEEP PEOPLE GROUNDED.

GEE… ARE ALL THOSE YOUR AWARDS?
YES. "MAN OF THE DECADE." "MOST INFLUENTIAL." "HALL OF FAME"... I THINK I’VE WON EVERY AWARD IN MY FIELD.
WELL, AWARDS ARE A VALIDATION OF ONE’S ACHIEVEMENT. AN ASSURANCE THAT ONE WILL BE REMEMBERED LONG AFTER ONE’S PASSING.
…WHICH IS WHY THE CITY COMMISSIONED THIS PLAQUE OUTSIDE MY STUDIO HONORING MY LIFE AND
ACK
I CALL IT, 'WE’RE ALL FORGOTTEN. SO SPEND YOUR LIFE DRINKING BEER.'
I FORGET WHAT THAT NEW DONUT PLACE IS CALLED.

I ACCIDENTALLY DROVE TOO CLOSE TO THE BIKE LANE YESTERDAY AND THIS CYCLIST SPIT ON MY WINDSHIELD.
WELL, THAT'S DISAPPOINTING.
ISN'T IT?
YEAH. HE SHOULD HAVE SMASHED IT WITH HIS BIKE LOCK.
NOT WHAT I WAS THINKING.
DID HE AT LEAST REMIND YOU THAT YOU'RE AN INFERIOR NOTHING?

Dear Pigita,
You are pretty.
DUDE, IF YOU WANT TO
IMPRESS A WOMAN, YOU
NEED TO USE BIG WORDS.
Dear Pigita,
You are PRETTY!
NOT SURE HOW THIS
HELPS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE HERE, RAT?
THE BOX O' ANSWERS.
ASK IT ANY OF LIFE'S DEEP QUESTIONS AND IT GIVES YOU A PROFOUND ANSWER.
WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
KA-CHING
Pliny the Younger beer from Russian River Brewing Company
SOMETIMES IT'S SPONSORED.

CAN I HELP YOU ?
YEAH. HERE BOOKS. AND WE'RE TIRED OF THIS WORLD GETTING DUMBER WHILE WE SIT AROUND UNREAD.
WELL, THANKS, BUT I HAVE MY FACEBOOK NEWSFEED AND THAT KEEPS ME PRETTY INFORMED.
WE'RE NOT ASKING TWICE.
WE SHOULD START READING MORE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
THE BOX O' ANSWERS. ASK IT ANY OF LIFE'S DEEP QUESTIONS AND IT WILL GIVE YOU A PROFOUND ANSWER.
WHY HAVE WE BEEN PUT HERE ON EARTH?
KA-CHING
TO EAT CHEESE
I EXPECTED MORE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
THE BOX OF ANSWERS. ASK IT ANY DEEP QUESTION AND IT SPITS OUT PROFOUND WISDOM.
IS THERE A MEANING TO THIS LIFE OR DOES IT ALL JUST SIGNIFY NOTHING?
KA-CHING
MAYBE
IT'S NOT ALWAYS SATISFYING.

NOW! NOW!
NOW
NOW NOW NOW NOW
NOOOO
DO YOU READ MANY BOOKS?
NO. NO TIME.
I GIVE UP.

WHOA... LOOK AT THE BODY ON THAT LATINA BROAD... HEY THERE, SEXY MAMACITA.
UN P.C. P.C.
SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A MAC.

LOOK AT THIS STORY ABOUT THIS GUY ON TWITTER. WHAT A JERK. I'M GONNA RETWEET IT WITH MY THOUGHTS.
Rat
You suck. You are scum. You are crap. DIE. DIE. DIE. DIE.
OH, WAIT... TURNS OUT THE STORY'S NOT TRUE.
MAYBE RETWEETS SHOULD HAVE A TEN-DAY WAITING PERIOD.
NO NEED! I'M ON TO THE NEXT THING!

WHAT I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY:
LOVE
AWW...THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU SUCH A GREAT SOUL, PIG. WHAT ELSE COULD ONE WANT FROM LIFE?
MORE PANEL WIDTH?
GLOVES
NEVER MIND.
SO WHY AM I A GREAT SOUL?

HEY, RAT, ARE YOU GONNA MAKE YOUR BED?
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, BUT IT WILL JUST GET UNMADE AGAIN.
SO?
SO I’VE FOUND I SAVE SIGNIFICANT TIME IF I ELIMINATE ALL TASKS THAT JUST GET UNDONE AGAIN LATER.
BUT THAT WOULD INCLUDE DUSTING AND DISHWASHING AND LAWN MOWING AND JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.
AS I SAY… A SIGNIFICANT TIME-SAVER.
HE’S EITHER A GENIUS OR A SUB.
I’LL GO WITH PSYCHO-PATHIC LOON.