Pearls Before Swine | Search

MOM, I’VE COME OVER HERE TODAY TO ASK YOU WHY YOU DID NOT PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
WELL, WHEN I HAD YOU, I WAS SO YOUNG.
AND I WANTED TO DO SO MANY THINGS WITH MY LIFE AND I COULDN’T DO SOME OF THOSE THINGS AFTER I HAD YOU.
AND I THINK I STUPIDLY FELT KIND OF RESENTFUL.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT??
SO IN ADDITION TO BEING A MOM, YOU WERE ALSO A REGULAR PERSON WITH REGULAR PERSON ‘FEELINGS’?
YES.
AND THAT’S WHEN HIS STUNNED, LITTLE BRAIN EXPLODED.
MOMS ARE WHAT NOW?

WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE, SUCCEED OR FAIL, THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO ALWAYS TRY YOUR BEST.
GREAT, THANKS FOR COMING IN.
I DIDN'T GET THE AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLER JOB.

WISE ASS
ON THE HILL
OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL... I'M TRYING TO DETERMINE IF THIS PERSON I MET IS NORMAL OR A WEIRDO.
WEIRDO.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL WEIRDOS. SOME OF US JUST HIDE IT BETTER.
SHOULD I BE REASSURED OR SCARED?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
MY TO-DO LIST FOR THE DAY.
1) Buy milk.
2) Mow lawn.
3) Develop theory to bridge Einstein's law of relativity with the standard model of particle physics.
SOMETIMES I GO BIG.

BEHOLD! THE GERM-AWAY! A PORTABLE POD I INVENTED THAT KEEPS YOU SAFE AND HEALTHY.
CAN I BUY ONE?
SURE. DO YOU WANT THE GERM-AWAY 1.0 OR 2.0?
WHAT'S THE 2.0?
IT COMES WITH THE "YOU'RE STANDING TOO CLOSE" ENFORCEMENT MALLET.
I'LL SHOP FROM OVER HERE.
PLEASE DON'T RUIN MY FUN.

SOB SOB SOB
HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, ARE YOU CRYING OR CALLING SOMEONE A YOU-KNOW-WHAT'S?
CRYING.
SO HARD TO TELL IN COMIC STRIPS.

HEY, PIG, WHERE'S YOUR COFFEE THIS MORNING?
I LIKE TO KEEP IT LUKEWARM.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. WANT TO SEE SOME PHOTOS?
OF WHAT?
MY EUROPEAN TRIP. THIS IS ME IN FRONT OF BIG BEN.
AND THIS IS ME IN FRONT OF THE EIFFEL TOWER.
AND THIS IS ME IN FRONT OF THE COLOSSEUM.
THIS IS ME IN FRONT OF--
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
SURE.
DO YOU TRAVEL TO EXPERIENCE OTHER CULTURES OR JUST TO SHOW YOUR FRIENDS YOU'VE BEEN THERE?
AND THIS IS ME IN FRONT OF THE ACROPOLIS-- AND--
OH, LOOK, I'M LATE FOR... SOMETHING.

AN ACTUAL
THING THAT
HAPPENED TO
ME YESTERDAY
THAT WOULD
MAKE SENSE
IN NO OTHER
ERA OF YOUR
LIFE.
AWWW... YOUR DOG
IS SO CUTE.
SIX FEET
PLEASE!!
PEOPLE
SHOULD
YELL AT
YOU MORE
OFTEN.
IT WAS AT
LEAST FIVE
FEET, TEN
INCHES.

HEY, RAT, DID YOU HEAR THIS TERRIBLE STORY ABOUT—
I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE BAD NEWS.
SERIOUSLY.
SO IF YOU HAVE ANY, SHOVE IT.
WANNA TALK ABOUT PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS?
DON'T GET SNARKY.

HELLO, FAMILY! IS EVERYONE READY FOR OUR RECORD 90TH STRAIGHT NIGHT OF FAMILY TOGETHERNESS?
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO SICK OF FAMILY TOGETHERNESS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!
I CALL IT, "FAMILY TOGETHERNESS HAS LIMITS".
MAYBE WE COULD ALL TRADE FAMILIES FOR A BIT.

SNAPSHOTS
Me, June, 2019.
WOW, THIS PLACE IS JAMMED!
Me, June, 2020.
LOOK! A PEOPLE!
WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES.
SIX FEET PLEASE!

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
DOCTOR'S OFFICE. I'M GETTING BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY.
WHAT'D SHE SAY?
SHE'S TRYING TO FLATTEN THE CURVE.
BEST YOU CAN DO?
THE BREAST IS YET TO COME.

Dear 2020...
If you were a banana, you'd be the brown, mushy one that's left after all the nice ones have been bought.
Be a better banana.
THEY DO MAKE GOOD BANANA BREAD.
DON'T ENCOURAGE IT.

DEPARTMENT OF NAMES (PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS)
WHAT THE #%@** IS GOING ON?
Nuthin'
I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING.
Yeah.
Don't feel like it.
TIRED.
WHERE AM I?
WHO ARE YOU?
Home.
We worked at least 5 minutes today.
WORST DEPARTMENT IN THE WHOLE PLACE.
AND THAT'S THE PART OF YOUR BRAIN RESPONSIBLE FOR REMEMBERING NAMES?
EXPLAINS A LOT.
REPLACE THEM WITH COMPETENT PEOPLE!

THIS POLITICIAN SEEMS TO LIE EVERY TIME HE TALKS.
SOUNDS LIKE HE NEEDS A DEFIBRILLATOR.
WHY A DEFIBRILLATOR?
KNOCKS THE FIB RIGHT OUT OF YOU.
NOT WHAT THAT IS.
THEY USE MORE VOLTS FOR POLITICIANS.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU
YES. I'D LIKE TO RETURN THE YEAR 2020. IT'S REALLY SUCKED.
WE'RE STUCK WITH IT.

DUDE, IT'S NOON... WHY ARE YOU STILL IN BED?
BECAUSE NOTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN TODAY WILL BE BETTER THAN THE WARMTH AND COMFORT THAT I HAVE HERE.
YOU MAY HAVE SOLVED LIFE.

HOLY PANDEMIC. THIS THING IS SPREADING FASTER THAN EVER.
THE VIRUS?
STUPIDITY. IT'S RUNNING RAMPANT.
NEVER MIND.
QUICK! THROW A BOOK AT SOMEONE!

UH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SOMETIMES WHEN I’M DOWN, I TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES AND PUT THEM IN THE DRYER AND PUT THEM BACK ON.
THE MORE YOU KNOW HIM, THE LESS YOU WANT TO.
OOOH... THE WARMTH, THE WARMTH.

Covid
QUARANTINE
GOALS
ACHIEVED
Learned guitar: NO
Got in shape: NO
Cleaned attic: NO
Drank mucho:

IT'S NICE TO KNOW I CAN
STILL ACHIEVE THINGS.

HEY, RAT... HOW HAVE YOU BEEN SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME STUCK INSIDE?
I'VE BEEN READING ALL THESE HISTORY BOOKS I'VE BEEN WANTING TO READ.
PLUS, I'M TRYING TO LEARN ITALIAN AND I'VE TAKEN UP GUITAR.
OH, AND I'M FINALLY WRITING THAT BOOK I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WRITE.
IS IT CALLED, "HOW I SPENT THE ENTIRE CORONAVIRUS TIME JUST DRINKING"?
THAT HURTS.

DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS ONE DAY?
NO.
WHY NOT?
I DON’T NEED THE VISUAL REMINDER THAT ONE DAY I WILL BE REPLACED.
SOME PEOPLE DON’T SEE IT THAT WAY.
SUCKERS.

I MISS MY BARBER.
THIS WILL END ONE DAY.
I WILL HUG HIM AS I HAVE NEVER HUGGED A MAN.

IS TODAY THURSDAY OR MONDAY OR JUNE?
YES.
REMEMBER WHEN CALENDARS MATTERED?