Pearls Before Swine | Search

SO HOW HAVE YOU GOTTEN THROUGH THIS PANDEMIC?
JUST DRINKING EVERY NIGHT. GIN, WINE, BEER.
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO'S GOTTEN THROUGH IT LIKE THAT, BUT SHE JUST DRINKS ON WEEKENDS.
SO SHE'S A DINO?
DINO?
DRINKER IN NAME ONLY.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A COMPETITION.
SOUNDS LIKE SHE LACKS COMMITMENT.

HEY, STEPH. FEEL LIKE HANGING OUT IN OUR SOCIALLY-DISTANCED BACKYARD?
CAN’T. I’M OUT WALKING. BEEN DOING IT MORE THAN EVER DURING THIS PANDEMIC.
JUST COME BY AFTER.
CAN’T.
WHY NOT?
I’M NOW 3000 MILES FROM HOME.
SOME PEOPLE TURN BACK.
HELP! I CAN’T STOP!

RUB
RUB
POOF
Hello, good sir ... I will grant you any wish.
HMMM. I THINK I WOULD LIKE A WONDERFUL WORLD WHERE PEOPLE OF ALL RACES AND CREEDS AND NATIONALITIES CAN SHARE IDEAS AND COMMUNICATE FREELY.
Very good, sir. I hereby invent the internet. Just for that.
OH WONDERFUL
And that shall give rise to something they call social media.
Where everyone can say what they want without any checks or gatekeepers.
WAIT.
WAIT. THAT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD.
And no one will know what news is true or not true and everyone will BE CONFUSED AND ANGRY.
NO. WAIT. STOP
WHICH BAD PEOPLE WILL EXPLOIT AND
BACK IN THE BOTTLE!! BACK IN THE BOTTLE!!
AND IT'S ALL HAPPENED.
COMES BACK, WALTER CRONKITE.
YES! I HOWEVER HAVE NO IDEA WHO HE IS.

WHY DO PEOPLE SAY REST IN PEACE WHEN SOMEBODY DIES? IT'S STUPID.
WHY IS IT STUPID?
BECAUSE "REST" IS BORING AND UNEVENTFUL. AND WHO WANTS IT TO GO ON FOR ETERNITY?
SO WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE WE SAY INSTEAD?
KICK THE AFTERLIFE'S @##!!
MIGHT LOOK ODD ON A WREATH.
I'VE RE-BRANDED DEATH.

RESUME FORM
Please fill in the sections.
SKILLS:
SKILLS:
No.
I DON'T THINK THAT WAS A YES/NO QUESTION.
IT IS FOR SOME OF US.

HEY, PIG, ARE YOU GONNA GET OUT OF BED?
NO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE EVERY DAY I GET OUT OF BED AND GO THROUGH MY DAY AND THINK, "WOW, I CAN'T WAIT TO CRAWL INTO MY BED TONIGHT."
SO?
SO WHY GET OUT OF BED IN THE FIRST PLACE?
YOUR LOGIC IS INFALLIBLE.
WELL, WE MAY STARVE.

HEY. WE'RE FINALLY DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR THE ENVIRONMENT AND TAKING OUR HOUSE OFF THE GRID.
THAT'S GREAT. DID YOU GUYS GET SOLAR PANELS?
FAILED TO PAY OUR ELECTRIC BILL.
I DON'T THINK THAT COUNTS.
WHO KNEW BEING A DEADBEAT COULD GET ME A NOBEL PRIZE?

UGH. EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AND CHECK MY PHONE AND I GET SO DEPRESSED. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GET OUT OF BED.
IS THAT A NOTE?
Remember pizza.
NOTEMAN REMINDS PEOPLE OF THE IMPORTANT THINGS.

THE MORNING RITUAL
WAKING UP TO A NEW DAY
A WARM CUP O' JOE
A PLEASANT WALK OUTSIDE
The internet.
SO THAT'S WHERE MY DAY GOES WRONG.
THEY'RE CALLED PHONES, BUT THEY'RE REALLY JUST PORTALS TO DARKNESS.

EXCUSE ME...SORRY... I NEED TO GO TO THE FRONT.
PARDON ME... I'M STEPHAN PASTIS, THE CARTOONIST.
HEY...SORRY...BUT I'M THE 'PEARLS BEFORE SWINE' GUY.
HEY, POO. THANKS FOR ALL THE HARD WORK, BUT I THINK I'M AHEAD OF YOU. I DO ALL THE GREAT PUNS.
COVID-19 VACCINE Priority line
I GET it LAST BEHIND MIMES AND FELONS.
I FIGURED THEY'D SKIP YOU ENTIRELY.
FELONS SHOULD BE BEFORE MIMES.

I JUST DELETED MY FACEBOOK PAGE. I'M DONE WITH THE ARGUING, THE NEGATIVITY, THE UNTRUE STORIES. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
*CLICK*
LEMME GUESS. YOU UN-DELETED IT.
DA** THING'S LIKE CRACK.

OUR LIBRARY ADDED A WHOLE NEW INDIAN WING. IT HAS INDIAN PROSE AND BOLLYWOOD MOVIES STARRING AAMIR KHAN, SHAHRUKH KHAN AND SALMAN KHAN.
YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT THE NEW LIBRARY? WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT HAS PROSE AND KHAINS.
NOW YOU CAN BE HATED ON TWO CONTINENTS.

NOT A SINGLE THING HAS GONE RIGHT FOR ME TODAY.
SO I'M GONNA GO BACK TO MY BED, WHERE THIS DAY STARTED, AND PRESS THE RESET BUTTON.
NO SUCH BUTTON FOR BAD DAYS.
SURELY THAT'S A DESIGN FLAW.

GOALS FOR THE WEEK
Accomplish 3 times as much as last week.
Last week: Did nothing.
3 x nothing = nothing

INSTEAD OF GIVING A TAX CUT TO ALL YOUR BIG CORPORATIONS AND HOPING IT TRICKLES DOWN, WHY NOT GIVE THAT EXACT SAME CUT TO THE MIDDLE CLASS INSTEAD AND HOPE IT FLOATS UP TO ALL YOUR BIG CORPORATIONS?
WE'LL CALL IT "UP YOURS" ECONOMICS.
I'LL WRITE MY SENATOR.
YEAH...TELL CONGRESS, "UP YOURS."

DUDE, IT'S NOON... WHY ARE YOU STILL IN BED?
BECAUSE NOTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN TODAY WILL BE BETTER THAN THE WARMTH AND COMFORT THAT I HAVE HERE.
YOU MAY HAVE SOLVED LIFE.

NEXT MONTH WILL BE TWELVE MONTHS SINCE EVERYTHING SHUT DOWN BECAUSE OF COVID.
YEAH. I KNOW. I WROTE A SONG.
TWELVE MONTHS OF SWEATPANTS.
TO THE TWELFTH MONTH OF COVID, THE VIRUS SENT TO ME
ELEVEN HOURS ZOOMING.
TEN MASKS PROTECTING.
NINE NURSES TESTING.
EIGHT KIDS A GAMING.
SEVEN PARTIES SUCKING.
SIX FEET OF DISTANCE.
FIIIIIVE MOMS CONFUSED.
FOUR CHECKUPS MISSED.
THREE CHILDREN MIFFED.
TWO CANCELLED TRIPS...
AND A YEAR I’D LIKE TO HAVE BACK!!
IS THAT AN OPINION?
SORRY, ANOTHER REFLUX.

Professor Rat's Word O' The Day: Awkwagap
That moment in a Zoom call between clicking "END MEETING" and the call actually ending.
THIS IS AWKWARD.
THIS IS AWKWARD.
SO THAT'S WHAT THAT'S CALLED.
MIND THE GAP.

PLAN FOR LIFE
Establish own business.
Make millions.
Retire happy.
THAT'S A GREAT GOAL AND IF YOU'RE WILLING TO WORK LONG HOURS AT IT EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK AND GIVE IT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.
"ab b'n dn us."
"1...mi...is. t...nat."
PLAN FOR LIFE
Eat cheese and hope for the best.

WE GOT AN ANGRY LETTER FROM A GUY IN HARRISBURG, PA. HE SAYS, "THE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN YOUR STRIP MAKE MY HAIR STAND ON END. EITHER GET AN EDITOR OR LEARN PROPER ENGLISH."
WHOA. DOES ANYONE REALLY GET THAT MAD ABOUT ERRORS IN A COMIC STRIP
THIS GUY DO;
I FEEL TERRIBLE. I BETTER LIE THIS PILLOW DOWN ON THE GROUND AND LAY DOWN ON IT.
ME TO.
SOMEWHERE IN HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA...

PARDON ME, BUT I WAS OFFENDED BY SOMETHING YOU SAID LAST WEEK.
OKAY, BUT I'M GONNA KEEP SAYING THE THINGS I SAY.
BUT I'M OFFENDED.
RIGHT.
WHAT NOW :)
I DON'T KNOW.
AND THEN HIS HEAD EXPLODED.
HE LED A FULL, COMPLAINY LIFE.

YOU SEEM A LOT CALMER LATELY, RAT…NOT NEARLY SO ANGRY...HOW DO YOU DO IT?
WELL, WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING, I TAKE A FEW MINUTES JUST FOR MYSELF.
I SEE. TO BREATHE DEEPLY? MEDITATE?
TO SLEDGEHAMMER THE &%#@ OUT OF A ROCK.
NOT QUITE MEDITATION.
WE'RE LIVING IN SLEDGEHAMMER TIMES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
JUST HUNG THIS PAINTING OF AN ELEPHANT. TOOK A WHILE TO GET IT CENTERED AND LEVEL. HOW DO YOU THINK I DID?
IT’S WELL HUNG.
I THINK YOU KNOW WHY I’M HERE.
BECAUSE IT’S NOT STRAIGHT?
IS IT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?

LOOK AT THIS... ANOTHER TRAVEL BROCHURE... LIKE WE CAN EVEN TRAVEL ANYWHERE IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
YEAH, TRUE. BUT AREN'T THEY SAYING WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET THE VACCINE BY THEN?
YEAH. I THINK THEY ARE.
SO THIS MAYBE COULD POSSIBLY BE A THING?
I GUESS IT COULD.
WAIT A MINUTE... YOU MEAN WE'RE BOTH HAVING...
AN OPTIMISTIC THOUGHT!
SO THAT'S WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.
I THINK I ACTUALLY SAID 'FUTURE.'

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'S
Moving you mailbox mile from you house.
WHAT FOR?
Make you walk further to get you bills and stuff. Dat way, we crocs more chance keel you.
I GET ALL MY BILLS ONLINE, SO YOU JUST DID ME THE FAVOR OF MOVING MY JUNK MAIL FAR AWAY.
Mail no whuh it used to be.
Oooh... Coupons for lemons.