Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S IT LIKE HAVING A CHILD, STEPH?
HAVING A CHILD IS LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN HEART RUNNING AROUND IN THE STREETS AND NOT ALWAYS LOOKING BOTH WAYS.
THAT'S THE CORRECT EXPRESSION.
LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU STUPID LITTLE THING!

Dear Monday,
You are the least popular day of the week.
If you were a Brady, you'd be Jan
YOU THINK ANYONE WILL GET THE REFERENCE?
I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT A MONDAY IS.
FRIDAY IS SOOOO MARCIA.

AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE IN YOUR STOCKING THIS YEAR?
IPHONE!
LEGOS!
X BOX!
NO MORE SHOOTINGS.

THANKS FOR
BOOKING YOUR
FLIGHT ON ACME
AIRLINES. CAN WE
DO ANYTHING
ELSE FOR YOU?
YES. ONE
QUESTION.
ARE THERE
ANY NUNS
ON THE
FLIGHT?
I HAVE NO
WAY OF KNOWING
THAT, SIR, BUT
WHY DOES IT
MATTER?
I FIGURE
IT'S SAFER
GIVEN THAT
NUNS ARE
IMMORTAL.
I BELIEVE
NUNS DIE,
SIR.
SAY
WHAT?
I NEED
TO GO
NOW, SIR.
WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT .... IS CHER
ON BOARD?

HEY, PIG, SINCE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PAYS THE BILLS, HOW MUCH DO WE PAY A MONTH FOR CABLE?
I'LL HAVE TO GO LOOK AT THE BILL.
JUST TELL ME ROUGHLY.
WE PAY. ABOUT. A HUNDRED... BUCKS...
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS FAR TOO AMBIGUOUS.

Personal milestones attained this year:
GOT FATTER!
I LIKE TO FRAME THINGS AS A POSITIVE.

HEY, SCIENTIST SAL. HOW DOES SCIENCE KNOW IF SOMETHING IS TRUE?
WELL, WE DO RESEARCH, DEVELOP A THEORY, AND THEN ASK OTHER SCIENTISTS TO DO A PEER REVIEW.
LOOKS SOLID.
NICE WOOD.
I THINK YOU'VE CONFUSED HIM.
AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST FOR FISHING.

HEY, RAT, I WAS THINKING OF INVITING YOUR MOM TO MY PARTY. CAN YOU GIVE ME HER NUMBER?
NO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE WITH ME.
SO?
SO MY PHONE HAS ALL THE INFORMATION THAT MY BRAIN USED TO HAVE. THUS, MY UNUSED BRAIN JUST WITHERED AWAY AND DIED.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
WHAT'S TOO BAD?
WHAT'S TOO BAD?

RAT SAYS YOU TOOK THE TEN COMMANDMENTS AND SHORTENED THEM TO JUST THREE.
CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
DOGS, TOO
CATS IFFY
SOME OF US LOVE CATS.
SORRY. ALLERGIC.

We were informed!!
Purple is the only great color.
YEP. YEP. YEP.
And now we welcome to the newscast the world's foremost expert on color, MR. PURPLEY McPURP.
AM AN EEERRKPEERRRT.
PURPLE HAS BEEN PROVEN BEST.
KNEW IT. KNEW IT. KNEW IT.
And the proof is this... Have you ever heard even one great thing about red? Blue? Green? Yellow?
BUBBLE OF RED
BUBBLE OF RED
MORE MORE MORE
YOR! YOU!
BUBBLE OF BLUE
BUBBLE OF PURPLE
YOU'RE THE GREATEST CARTOONIST WE'VE EVER SEEN.
BAM BAM BAM
READ BETTER STRIPS! READ BETTER STRIPS!

DO YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD THAT I SEND EMAILS TO MYSELF TO REMIND ME OF STUFF I HAVE TO DO?
WHY IS THAT WEIRD?
BECAUSE WHEN I GET THEM, I MARK THEM AS SPAM.
THAT CHANGES THINGS.
I WISH MYSELF WOULD STOP BUGGING ME.

HELLO? HI... IS RICHARD THERE?
YEAH. THIS IS HIM.
OH, GREAT. WE JUST FINISHED PAINTING YOUR PORSCHE AND WERE WONDERING IF YOU NEED US TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.
YEAH. GIMME POLKA DOTS ON THE SIDES.
SOME PEOPLE JUST SAY "WRONG NUMBER."
MORE FUN MY WAY.

Dear Cable News
People,
Thank you for
your insightful
coverage of that
big hurricane.
What I found
especially informative
was the part where
your reporter stood
in the wind.
I did not know
that when you
stand in the wind,
it blows on you.
I'M HOPING
THEY
RECOGNIZE
SARCASM.
SO THAT'S
WHY HIS
HAIR
MOVES.

HEY, YOU'RE THE DRIVER WHO STOPPED AT THAT CROSSWALK FOR ME.
YEP. NO PROBLEM.
YES THERE IS. BECAUSE NEXT TIME YOU NEED TO STOP 20 FEET FROM THE CROSSWALK SO I'LL FEEL COMFORTABLE WHILE I WALK AS SLOWLY AS I WANT AND OCCASIONALLY CHECK MY TEXTS.
FASCIST PEDESTRIAN GUY. OUR NEWEST CHARACTER.
OH, HELL NO.
A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS GUY WHO WAS KIDNAPPED?
IS HE A KID?
NO.
WAS HE NAPPING?
NO.
EXPLAIN ENGLISH TO ME AGAIN.
FINE, HE WAS MAN-NABBED.

FOR THE SECOND TIME IN THREE YEARS, THE COUNTY I LIVE IN - SONOMA COUNTY, CALIFORNIA - HAS SUFFERED THROUGH MASSIVE FIRES.
BUT THROUGHOUT IT ALL, WE WERE PROTECTED BY FIREFIGHTERS: PEOPLE WHO RACED TOWARD THE FIRE WHILE WE RACED AWAY, RISKING THEIR LIVES FOR PEOPLE THEY OFTEN DON'T EVEN KNOW.
SO WHILE THE TERM "HERO" IS SOMETIMES USED FOR ANY ACTOR OR ATHLETE WE MAY LIKE, LET'S APPLY THE WORD TO THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY ARE.
THANK YOU.
JUST DOING MY JOB.

HEY, PIG, THIS IS MY BUDDY, EMIL.
HEY, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO DEVELOP MY E.S.P. SKILLS.
WHAT'S THAT?
EXTRAORDINARY PERCEPTION. IT'S WHERE YOU PERCEIVE THINGS WITHOUT USING YOUR FIVE SENSES. LET ME SHOW YOU, E.
OKAY, SO I PUT A PACKET OF TEA UNDER THIS BOX, AND ITS TEA THAT HAS SPECIAL SIGNIFICANCE TO ME.
SO?
SO CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TELL ME WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE AND WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT...USING JUST THAT SENSE.
WHAT SENSE?
OUR E...S...P... SEE TEA FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME.
SOCK IT TO HIM, SOCK IT TO HIM, SOCK IT TO HIM, SOCK IT TO HIM.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, I KNOW WE DON'T GET ALONG THAT WELL, SO I WROTE OUT A LIST OF THINGS WE COULD DO TO MAYBE IMPROVE OUR RELATIONSHIP.
OKAY, LET ME SEE IT.
You stop being you.
HE WASN'T THAT RECEPTIVE.

On Being Drunk
Being drunk is like having a superpower...
My charisma is compelling to all!
...That only exists in your head.
My charisma is compelling to all.
SO JUST LIKE SUPERMAN, BUT PASSED OUT IN A GUTTER.
AND WITH A BELLY.

I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING TO THAT NEW FINANCIAL ADVISOR DOWNTOWN.
DON'T DO IT. HE TOLD ME TO 'BUY LOW, SELL HIGH,' AND I LOST EVERYTHING.
I WILL SELL THAT STOCK BECAUSE I LOVE PURPLE AND MY HAND IS HUGE.
NOT WHAT HE MEANT.
THEN I ATE EVERYTHING IN THE PANTRY AND CLEANED THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

HEY, PIG... YOU GOING TO THE CAFE TODAY?
CAN'T... I KEEP GETTING PICKED ON BY A BULLY.
OH, NO. WHO?
THE WORLD.
I WAS GONNA OFFER TO BEAT SOMEONE UP.
COULD BE HARD.

WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
I HAD TO CLEAN MY R.P.G., SIR. I'M AFRAID IT LEFT OIL STAINS.
OH, GUARD DUCK, I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT YOUR R.P.G. ON THE FRONT LAWN ANYMORE. THIS IS WHY.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
SHOOT.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS NOT THE BEST MEANS OF COMMUNICATION.

SELF-IMPROVEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
Decide on one thing you think you can be better at than anyone else. Then pursue that thing day and night until you've attained that goal.
Finishing last in every contest.
THAT'S A BIG TIME-SAVER.

RAT, IT'S YOUR BOSS AT THE CAFE. WHERE ARE YOU?
SLEEPING.
WELL, GET YOUR @#$S IN HERE- YOUR SHIFT STARTED TEN MINUTES AGO.
CAN'T. WE LIVE IN A GLOBAL ECONOMY NOW.
SO?
SO TO STAY COMPETITIVE AS A CORPORATION, YOU NEED TO PROVIDE WORKERS WITH THE SAME BENEFITS AS ABROAD.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, THE FINNS GET 25 PAID VACATION DAYS PLUS 11 PAID HOLIDAYS.
ABSURD.
NO. ABSURD IS THE FRENCH. THEY GET EIGHT WEEKS.
WHAT?!
OH, AND SWEDES GET 480 DAYS OF PATERNITY LEAVE. SO I WANT THAT TOO.
SINCE WHEN ARE YOU A FATHER?
SINCE I GAVE BIRTH TO THIS IDEA.
NO ONE LIKES MY IDEAS.

HI. CAN I PLEASE HAVE THE JUMBO HAMBURGER COMBO, BUT MAYBE WITH LESS FRENCH FRIES THAN NORMAL?
CAN'T YOU JUST NOT EAT THEM ALL?
IF YOU PUT A PLATE OF FRENCH FRIES IN FRONT OF ME, MY FACE WILL SUCK THEM UP LIKE A FOOD VACUUM STUCK ON 'ON.'
WHAT A PRETTY IMAGE.
FRENCH FRIES CRUSH FREE WILL.