Pearls Before Swine | Search

WELL, GUESS WHO’S NOW AN EXPERT ON GOTHIC ARCHITECTURE!
WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO LEARN ABOUT BORING ARCHITECTURE?
‘CAUSE SOMEONE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS BIG BUTTOX FLYING AROUND IN THE SKY! AND I SAID, “A BIG FLYING BUTT IN THE SKY? NOW THAT’S SOMETHING I GOTTA LEARN ABOUT!”
THEY’RE CALLED ‘FLYING BUTTRESSES.’ NOT ‘FLYING BUTTOCKS.’
ARCHITECTURE’S BORING AGAIN.

HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S GOING ON?
OH, JUST READING SOME STORIES ABOUT THE PANDEMIC.
'PANDEMIC' IS TODAY'S 'MAGIC WORD'!!
JUST TRYING TO TURN A NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE.

HEY, WE JUST GOT A LETTER FROM "THE POWERS THAT BE IN THE UNIVERSE."
LET'S SEE IT.
Dear Everyone,
As you know, we try to balance every year with both good and bad.
But this year...
Oopsie Doopsie!
THAT'S ALMOST AN APOLOGY.
I DON'T LIKE THEIR ATTITUDE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, WHAT'S YOUR NET WORTH?
HEY, PIG. JUST SO YOU KNOW, IT'S A LITTLE RUDE TO ASK THAT.
MAYBE TEN BUCKS.
YOU SHOULDN'T GET PAID FOR THIS.

HIYA, RAT.
PIG? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I BURIED MYSELF IN THE GROUND TO SYMBOLIZE THE HOLE WE ALL HAVE TO DIG OURSELVES OUT OF RIGHT NOW.
AND?
I CAN'T GET OUT.
THIS YEAR IN A NUTSHELL.
HEY, MAYBE IT'S BETTER DOWN HERE.

DO YOU AND RAT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE?
NO.
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU GET SERIOUSLY ILL?
MAKE A WISH TO THE WELLNESS FAIRY.
THAT MIGHT NOT WORK.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE THE DEBT FAIRY.

HI, RAT.

HEY, RACHEL.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR ANYTHING BAD I'VE DONE TO YOU THIS YEAR.
WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING?
I DO IT EVERY YEAR BEFORE YOM KIPPUR.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL TRADITION. I SHOULD GO AROUND THE NEIGH-BORHOOD AND DO THAT.
HEY, RAT.
HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB.
SORRY YOU GOT YOUR PANTIES IN A BUNCH OVER SOMETHING I SAID.
NOT REALLY THE SAME.
I THINK THAT OVERSENSITIVE NINNY APPRECIATED IT.

HEY, I HEARD A GREAT JOKE THIS MORNING... SO ATTILA THE HUN INVADES THIS TOWN AND KILLS EVERY ROMAN HE SEES...
TOO SOON.
PERHAPS THE WORLD OF HUMOR IS NOW A TAD TOO RESTRICTIVE.
YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO ROMAN-AMERICANS.

WOW, RAT... HOW DO YOU EAT SO MUCH AND STILL STAY THIN?
EXERCISE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT DO YOU DO?
WORRY CONSTANTLY.
NOT SURE THAT'S EXERCISE.
SURELY IT COUNTS FOR SOMETHING.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'M SENATOR WEASEL. M-NEASELEY. I'M RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION AND HERE IS MY PROMISE TO YOU.
I'LL ALWAYS DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU.*
*EXCEPT WHEN THE VOTE COULD HARM ME IN ANY WAY POLITICALLY, IN WHICH CASE I WILL DO WHAT IS BEST FOR ME, BECAUSE WHAT I CARE ABOUT MOST IS RETAINING POWER AND STATUS.
SEEMS LIKE A BIG EXCEPTION.
THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THE EXCEPTION.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI. I'M SENATOR WEASEL MCWEASELY. I'M RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION AND I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR?
RE-ELECTION EVERY SIX YEARS.
I WAS HOPING YOU'D LOOK OUT FOR ME.
I PROMISE TO LOOK OUT FOR ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR CALENDAR?
TOSSING IT. I'VE DECIDED THAT 2020 NEVER EXISTED.
NONE OF THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED HAPPENED. NONE OF US GOT OLDER. NONE OF US MISSED ANYTHING.
DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT EASY.
DID I STILL DRINK ALL THAT GIN?

I THINK THE KEY TO SURVIVING TIMES LIKE THESE IS TO EACH HAVE A LITTLE STAIRWAY TO THE STARS THAT YOU CAN CLIMB TO GET AWAY.
I THINK THE KEY IS TO NOT UTTER USELESS GIBBERISH.
LET'S SEE WHOSE WAY'S BETTER.
I SHOULD BE LESS CYNICAL.

WHAT YOU DOING, RAT?
PREDICTING THE FUTURE. JUST FIVE DOLLARS.
OOH. TELL ME WHAT TOMORROW WILL BE LIKE.
TOMORROW WILL BE BAD.
UH OH. WHAT ABOUT THE NEXT DAY?
BAD.
DAY AFTER?
BAD.
DAY AF—
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.
PREDICTING'S NEVER BEEN EASIER.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, PIG?
A HORROR NOVEL ABOUT THIS GUY NAMED JOE WHO'S MURDERED BY HIS WIFE AND CHOPPED UP INTO LITTLE PIECES.
SOUNDS TERRIFYING.
YEAH... IT'S GIVING ME NIGHTMARES.
CUP O' JOE?
HARD TO EXPLAIN...
MAYBE HE SHOULD SWITCH TO DECAF.

Why
Guys
Are
Sad
by Rat
Guys are Sad because they are always trying to overcompensate for other deficiencies.
Bigger cars.
Bigger boats.
Bigger homes.
How
sad.

HEY, RAT, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE MONEY?
I'M SAVING FOR THE FUTURE.
THAT'S GREAT. FAR TOO FEW PEOPLE DO THAT THESE DAYS. WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS?
BEER ON FRIDAY.
NOT SURE THAT COUNTS.
HEY. FRIDAY'S IN THE FUTURE.

RAT SAYS ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS COMING OVER TODAY AND HE'S BRINGING SOME BIGWIG.
YEAH.
HEY.
NEVER KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.
NOT AROUND HAIR.

HEY, RAT. HOW ARE YOU?
NOT GOOD. I HAD ONE OF THOSE OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCES WHERE YOU FLOAT UP AND STARE AT YOUR OWN BODY.
WHOA. THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
THEN I KEPT FLOATING UP TO THE SKY.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
THERE WERE COMPUTER SERVERS EVERYWHERE.
STUPID CLOUD STORAGE.
HEAVEN'S REALLY BEEN CLUTTERED.

DO YOU AND RAT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE?
NOPE.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU GET SICK?
SNEEZE.
YOU ASK ODD QUESTIONS.

ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT BEING ABLE TO PAY YOUR RENT?
WHAT DAY IS TODAY?
SUNDAY.
SUNDAYS I WORRY ABOUT GETTING THE VIRUS.
MONDAYS I WORRY ABOUT THE ECONOMY FAILING.
TUESDAYS I WORRY ABOUT RACISM. WEDNESDAYS I WORRY ABOUT MY INSANITY.
THURSDAYS I WORRY ABOUT LOSING MY HEALTHCARE.
AND FRIDAYS I JUST STARTED SAVING FOR MURDER HORNETS, THOSE GIANT HORNETS THAT ARE COMING TO KILL US ALL.
OH, WAIT. SATURDAYS I WORRY ABOUT LOSING MY JOB. SO, SURE, I CAN FIT THAT IN SATURDAY.
QUITE THE ERA.
MY WORRY SCHEDULE’S PACKED.

WHAT PERSONALITY ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE ME IF I ASKED YOU FOR SOME?
ARE YOU ASKING?
SURE.
DON'T BE YOU.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T ASK.

HEY, THERE GOAT. YOU GONNA
READ BEFORE BED TONIGHT?
YEP. THAT WAS
THE PLAN. BUT NOW
THAT YOU’VE CALLED,
THE PHONE IS IN
MY HAND.
SO?
SO NOW I’M GONNA CHECK
SOCIAL MEDIA AND SLIP INTO
A DOOM SPIRAL.
MAYBE PHONES
SHOULD JUST
BE FOR PHONE
CALLS AGAIN.
CAN’T
TALK.
SPIRALING.

ARE YOU AN OPTIMIST OR A PESSIMIST?
I'M AN OPTIMIST WHO IS CONSTANTLY DISAPPOINTED BY WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS IN THE WORLD.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU?
A DISAPPOINTMIST.
NOT SURE THAT'S A THING.
I'M OPTIMISTIC THAT WILL CHANGE.

HEY, PIG, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
IT’S GONNA BE ANOTHER TERRIBLE WEEK AND NOTHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN!
THEN WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY?
BECAUSE THE KEY TO LIFE IS CRUSHING EXPECTATIONS BEFORE THEY CRUSH YOU!
THAT’S ONE WAY TO DO IT.
HAHA… I SEE YOU COMING, CRAPPY OCTOBER!