Pearls Before Swine | Search

DANNY DONKEY WAS TIRED OF THE LONG WALK TO THE NEAREST LIQUOR STORE.
SO HE ATTENDED A CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
I PROPOSE TO BUILD THREE LIQUOR STORES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
ALL THE PEOPLE IN ATTENDANCE BOOED.
BOO
BOOO
BOOOO
AS YOU SEE, SAID THE MAYOR, THAT'S A LOT OF BOOS YOU'RE GETTING. AND IF YOU EVER COME BACK, YOU'LL BE SURE TO GET EVEN MORE.
SO DANNY DONKEY WENT HOME.
AND ONE MONTH LATER HE WENT TO ANOTHER CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
I NOW PROPOSE TO BUILD SIX MORE LIQUOR STORES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID LAST TIME? SAID THE MAYOR.
YES, SAID DANNY. THAT'S WHY I CAME BACK. I WANTED TO GET EVEN MORE BOOS.
DANNY WAS FORCIBLY REMOVED FROM THE CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
CAN I BOO THIS STUPID STORY?
ONLY AT THE GROCERY STORE.
IT'S STUPID IF I BOO, ISN'T IT?
YES.
ONLY AT THE GROCERY STORE.
That's a personal right.

HEY GUYS, LET ME GET THE BILL... I'LL WRITE A CHECK.
THANK YOU, PIG.
THANK YOU.
YEAH, I GOT THE CHECKBOOK YESTERDAY. SO FAR, I'VE BOUGHT A T.V, CLOTHES, FURNITURE.
PIG, YOU REALIZE YOU CAN ONLY WRITE CHECKS FOR THE AMOUNT YOU HAVE IN YOUR ACCOUNT, RIGHT?
THIS CHANGES THINGS.
YES.
LIKE YOU CAN LIVE IN JAIL NOW.

YES! I WON ANOTHER GAME OF TRIVIA! I AM THE KING OF THIS GREAT GAME!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LOOKING UP A WORD... AH, HERE IT IS...
TRIVIAL: OF LITTLE OR NO IMPORTANCE:
Dear Trivial Pursuit,
Please re-name your stupid game.

TODAY'S PHRASE
'I should probably let you go.'
TRANSLATION:
You are boring the bejeesus
out of me.
INTERESTING.
WELL, I SHOULD PROBABLY LET YOU GO.
HEY...
DON'T 'LET YOU GO' ME.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.
YOU'RE EATING A DONUT.
RIGHT. WELL, MY PROBLEM WITH FOOD IS, I ALWAYS EAT EVERY BITE IN FRONT OF ME.
SO?
SO DONUTS HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS ALREADY REMOVED THE MIDDLE.
YOU MAY BE MISINFORMED.
TO REWARD MYSELF, I HAVE A MAPLE BAR.

Seismograph of an Earthquake
MOODS OF A CREATIVE PERSON

Hope for the Future
One day,
every bad
person
currently
doing bad
things will
pass on.
THEY JUST GET REPLACED
BY NEW ONES.
Hope for the Future
There
will
still be
cheese.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S ALL THAT STUFF?
IT BELONGS TO THAT GENTLEMANLY NEIGHBOR OF OURS, MR. LEE.
OH, YEAH. HE'S THE GUY THEY CALL 'GENT'.
YEAH, AND HE'S PAYING ME TO MOVE ALL OF IT TO HIS NEW HOUSE.
WHAT IS INCLUDED?
THERE'S A PAINTING OF THE SCREAM; EXTRA DOWN FOR HIS PILLOW; A PHOTO OF MR. LEE; A BOOT I'M GUESSING HIM; AND HE LOVES FISH EGGS, SO THAT'S A PIE FOR ROE, AND ANOTHER PIE AND ANOTHER PIE...
DO YOU NEED ANY HELP?
ACTUALLY, IT'D BE GREAT IF YOU READ OFF EVERYTHING YOU SEE AND I'LL CHECK THEM OFF TO MAKE SURE I'VE GOT IT ALL.
ALRIGHT. OKAY. READY WHEN YOU ARE...
ROE. ROE. ROE. YOUR BOOT. GENT LEE. DOWN. THE SCREAM.
YOU ARE TO COMIC STRIPS WHAT THE 'TITANIC' WAS TO BOATING.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
TO PUT A LOCK ON THE MAILBOX SO WE'RE NOT THE VICTIMS OF IDENTITY THEFT.
OH, PLEASE. EVERYONE'S SO PARANOID ABOUT IDENTITY THEFT NOW. WE'RE ALL A BUNCH OF NINNIES.
YOU THINK THIS MAKES ME A NINNY?
YES.
NINNY.
WE HAVE AN ISSUE.
ISSUE.
NINNY.

IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WITH EVERYONE
HAVING A PLATFORM NOW AND ALL
COMMUNICATION BEING INSTANTANEOUS
THAT WE'RE ALL TOO QUICK TO
OVERREACT?
My friend Goat just said
the dumbest thing that's
ever been said in the
history of the world.
I DON'T
KNOW.
MAYBE I'M
CRAZY.
NO, NO.
KEEP
TALKING.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, PIG?
THE DAFFODILS POPPED UP HERE. BUT THEN THEY HEARD ABOUT ALL THAT HAS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD AND WENT BACK INTO THE GROUND.
SMARTEST THING WE'VE EVER DONE.

DAFFODILS! THE FIRST SIGN OF SPRING! YOU'VE BEEN DORMANT FOR SO LONG. LET ME FILL YOU IN ON EVERYTHING THAT'S BEEN HAPPENING IN THE WORLD!
THEY WENT BACK INTO THE GROUND.

IF YOU CAN DIE AT ANY TIME, WHAT'S THE POINT OF EXERCISE?
EXERCISE ISN'T ONLY ABOUT LONGEVITY. IT'S ALSO ABOUT FEELING BETTER ON A DAY-TO-DAY BASIS.
I FEEL BETTER WHEN I EAT A BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN WASHED DOWN BY A SIX-PACK.
ENJOY YOUR SHORT LIFE.
ENJOY YOUR LONG, SUCKY ONE.

Happiness is a journey!
Which must mean my car is broken down by the side of the road.
ARE THERE TOW TRUCKS FOR THIS?

I am sad.
Sad because I am lonely.
Lonely because no one in the world wants me.
And when you don't feel wanted, you feel invisible.
I used to comfort myself by thinking of all the other unwanted people there must be.
But sometimes it feels like I'm the only one left.
Especially at the Post office, where the government announces all those whose status has changed.
SIGH.
HEY, MORON. THEY'RE CRIMINALS.
AW, NUTS. WOMEN ALWAYS LIKE BAD BOYS.

Dear Powers That Be
in the Universe,
I have had more
than my share of
bad luck lately.
So maybe pick
on someone else
for a bit.
P.S. I can
suggest
names.
I ALWAYS TRY TO BE
HELPFUL.

DON'T YOU WISH SOMETIMES THAT THERE WAS THIS MAGIC THING THAT COULD MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF AND MAKE EVERYTHING IN LIFE OKAY?
YES.
IT'S CALLED A SIX-PACK.
I MEAN LONG TERM.
IT'S CALLED A KEG.

BAD NEWS. WE HAVE SAVED ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY FOR THE FUTURE.
GOOD NEWS. THERE MAY NOT BE A FUTURE!
I KNEW IT WOULD ALL WORK OUT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE LIVING THE LIFE YOU SHOULD BE?
STEVE JOBS HAD A GREAT TEST. HE SAID IF TODAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU WANT TO DO WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO DO TODAY?
DEFINITELY NOT.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I’D SEE NO NEED TO PICK UP MY DRY CLEANING.
LET’S START OVER.
I KNEW I WAS ON THE WRONG PATH.

WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE DRUGS?
I GUESS TO PUT THEMSELVES IN A STATE WHERE THEY HAVE NO WORRIES, NO ANXIETY, AND JUST FEEL GOOD.
I CALL THAT NAPPING.
THAT'S CERTAINLY SAFER.
AND IT'S NOT EVEN ILLEGAL.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
IT'S A GLOW BALL. IT GLOWS IN THE DARK.
WHOA. WHAT MAKES IT GLOW?
THERE'S A LITTLE ELECTRIC LIGHT INSIDE. BUT IT MAKES THE BALL GET PRETTY WARM, WHICH WORRIES ME.
WHAT WORRIES YOU?
GLOW BALL WARMING.
MAY THE RISING SEAS WASH YOU AWAY.

YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENTS BEEN ACCUSED OF MURDER.
NO TRIAL! GIVE HIM THE DEATH PENALTY!
MY CLIENT HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF MANSLAUGHTER.
GIVE HER THE DEATH PENALTY.
DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE?
DEATH PENALTY!
SAYING THE WRONG THING?
DEATH PENALTY!
THINKING THE WRONG THING.
DEATH PENALTY!
ASSOCIATING WITH OTHERS WHO THINK THE WRONG THING.
DEATH PENALTY!
ISSUING AN APOLOGY THAT WASN’T 100% TO OUR LIKING.
DEATH PENALTY!
IF SOCIAL MEDIA WAS AN ACTUAL JUDGE.
I’M OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER DUE PROCESS.
HANG THE GOAT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I JUST SPRAY-PAINTED A COP CAR AND ROBBED A CANDY STORE!
WHAT?! WHY?
I LOOKED AT THE CALENDAR TODAY AND IT SAID FEBRUARY 29TH.
SO?
SO FEBRUARY ONLY HAS 28 DAYS! MEANING IT'S NOT A REAL DAY! SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!
THIS FEELS REAL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I MET THIS GIANT FLY
AND HE LET ME HOP
ON HIS BACK AND WRITE
A STORY.
WHY WOULD
YOU WANT TO
DO THAT?
I LIKE CREATING
STUFF ON
THE FLY.
THIS FEELS APPROPRIATE.

If it is before 9 a.m., do not speak to me.
If I have not yet had coffee, do not speak to me.
If it is BOTH before 9 a.m. and I have not yet had coffee, THIS COULD GET UGLY!
IT'S NICE WHEN HE COMES WITH WARNING LABELS.