Pearls Before Swine | Search

AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM
O
P
I
N
I
O
N
B
E
G
O
N
E
TIRED OF HAVING TO HEAR
This guy just
ruined that movie for me.
Well, everyone’s
entitled to their opinion.

WELL, NOW THERE’S AN ANSWER.
OPINION
BEGONE
NOW WHEN SOMEONE SHOUTS OUT
A STRING OF STUPID THINGS
The earth is flat?
Political donations
are not bribes?
The Knicks have
a good team?
OUR CRACK TEAM OF OPINION
BE-GONERS’ MOVES IN AND STOPS
THAT PERSON FROM YAMMERING.*
* GAG
REMOVED
FOR MEALS.
MMMPH MMMPH
BECAUSE WHILE EVERYONE
MAY BE ENTITLED TO
THEIR OPINION,
THEIRS IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT
MATTER
SORRY, CAN’T HEAR
YOU
I SOLD FIVE
BILLION IN THE
FIRST HOUR.
BUT I THINK
EVERYONE’S OPINION IS VALUABLE AND
CODE
RED! CODE!
RED!

OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
Where you went...
- Work
- Home
- Bed
LIFE IS BETTER WHEN YOU'RE FIVE.

And now a special message from Pig.
Me!
Do you have anxiety about social gatherings?
Afraid you’ll say something dumb?
Well, fear no more.
Presenting ‘HOLE IN FLOOR’!
Say something dumb and BOOM, you’re gone.
Where’s Pig?
No idea.
I FIGURE I CAN SELL A HUNDRED MILLION.
WHERE WAS THIS IN JUNIOR HIGH?

Dear Acme Bank,
Today you put me on hold for 38 minutes.
That was bad, but survivable.
What was not survivable was hearing your jingle 76 times.
I am now insane.
YOU WERE INSANE BEFORE.
THEY MADE IT WORSE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PIG?
TO GET MY DIGITAL ALARM CLOCK MODIFIED.
MODIFIED HOW?
TO ADD THE OLD "TICK TOCK" SOUND OF REGULAR CLOCKS. I MISS IT. BUT APPARENTLY ITS PRETTY EXPENSIVE TO MAKE IT GO 'TICK'.
WHAT ABOUT "TOCK"?
'TOCK' IS CHEAP.
MAY TIME RUN OUT ON YOUR CAREER.

WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING COFFEE TODAY?
THE DINER'S COFFEE MAKER BROKE.
OH, GREAT. SO GOVERNMENT AGENTS SABOTAGED OUR COFFEE TO CRIPPLE OUR WILL AND FACILITATE OUR MARCH TO MASS DETENTION CENTERS STAFFED BY GENETICALLY-MODIFIED SUPER APES.
OH MY.
HE'S SLIGHTLY PARANOID.
YOU FOOLS! THEY HEARD THAT!

WHO ARE YOU?
LAST NIGHT'S POTATO SOUFFLE FROM THE FRIDGE. YOU CALL US 'LEFTOVERS'. WE'RE HERE TO PROTEST.
PROTEST WHAT?
THE WORD 'LEFTOVERS'! IT HAS A NEGATIVE CONNOTATION.
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE CALLED?
'PRE-EATENS'!
THIS ERA IS OUT OF CONTROL.
FOOD SHAMING! FOOD SHAMING!

I THINK THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE... THOSE WHO THINK TEDDY COULD MAKE ANY BREAKFAST BETTER AND THOSE WHO THINK IT COULDN'T.
I GUESS I'M A "JELLY COULD" GUY.
DUH.
WHY "DUH"?
BECAUSE EVERYONE LIKES JELLY. DUH.
BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE HATE JELLY. SO YOU CAN'T SAY "DUH" THAT. NO ONE CAN "DUH" THAT.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
HEY, SCIENCE GUY BILL. WE RAT'S ARE ARGUING AGAINST ME.
YEAH, YEAH... AND I AM ME.
LET ME DECIDE. PIG, WHAT ARE YOU ARGUING FOR?
FOR HE'S A JELLY COULD' FELLOW, WHICH NOBODY CAN "DUH", NYE.
HE'S NEITHER JOLLY NOR GOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
STANDING BEHIND MY PAL WHITNEY WHILE SHE'S ON THIS LADDER. WHIT'S AFRAID SHE MIGHT FALL.
THAT'S NICE OF YOU.
YEAH... HEY, COME STAND OVER HERE SO I CAN TELL YOU SOMETHING.
TELL ME WHAT?
THAT I'M AT WHIT'S END WITH YOU.
DITTO.

SELF IMPROVEMENT QUIZ
To truly be happy, one must be able to answer "yes" to the following question: Are you being the best you you can be?
How do you answer that question?
Yes!
Explain:
God didn't give me much to work with.
NO WONDER I'M SO HAPPY.

HEY THERE, RAT... HOW ARE YOU?
I'M ALWAYS ANGRY AND I FEAR DEATH.
'FINE' IS A COMMONLY ACCEPTED ANSWER.
OH, AND I'M TIRED OF STUPID PEOPLE RUNNING EVERYTHING.

YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC WHEN YOU TELL HIM TO BRING HOME THAI.
Hey… Whuh time dinner?

HEY, RAT, WHY'D YOU MOVE YOUR COFFEE?
SUPERSTITION. COFFEE HAS TO BE ON THE RIGHT OR SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.
HAHA. THAT'S REALLY ODD.
ODDER THAN THE GUY WHO HAS TO COVER HIS BACK SHOULDER WHEN HE'S SLEEPING BECAUSE IF HE DOESN'T, HE THINKS HE'LL GET STABBED?
LET'S NOT GET PERSONAL.
WILL IT BE BY A GHOSTY GHOST?

PLAN FOR MY LIFE
GO TO GOOD SCHOOL
Find perfect spouse
Get great job
Have nice kids
Make lotsa money
Retire young
PLAN FOR MY LI-
THE WORLD KEEPS MESSING UP MY PLANS.

OH MY GOD! THE TOWN'S ONLY BRIDGE COLLAPSED! WE NEED HELP!
WE CAN HELP! HELP!
OH THANK YOU, MY GOVERNMENT REPRESENTATIVES!
SO HERE'S MY PARTY'S BILL FOR A NEW BRIDGE!
AND HERE IS MY PARTY'S BILL!
WAIT! I CAN'T LET YOUR BILL PASS. IT WOULD LOOK LIKE YOU WINNING FOR VOTES!
AND I CAN'T LET YOUR BILL PASS!
YOUR BILL'S DEFEATED!
AND YOUR BILL'S DEFEATED!
WE WIN WE WIN WE WIN
we win.
MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL JUST JUMP.
TO OUR DEATHS ON THE OTHER SIDE?
DON'T JUMP! WE'RE ALL WINNERS!

RAT... YOU AND ME NEED TO TALK.
WHAT NOW, NEIGHBOR BOB?
YOU'RE USING YOUR LEAF BLOWER ON SATURDAY MORNINGS AT 8 A.M.
SO?
SO YOU HAVE NO LEAVES.
I DIDN'T THINK HE'D NOTICE.
DID YOU TELL HIM YOU JUST LIKE THE SOUND?

TIP O' THE DAY
Whatever you do in life, give 110%
Why do I say that?
BECAUSE YOU ARE BAD AT MATH.
SOMEONE HAD TO TELL YOU.

VOCAB QUIZ
ENGLISH 1B
First, put a guy in a room that is lit.
Then muss up his hair. See what happens.
NOT THE DEFINITION OF 'LITMUS TEST.'
ENGLISH IS THE HARDEST CLASS EVER.

HEY, RAT. ARE YOU WALKING OVER TO THE CAFE TODAY?
I DON'T KNOW. LET ME CHECK THE FORECAST.
Chance of scattered idiots with occasional gusts of moron.
NEW WEATHER APP?
NEW WHETHER I CAN TOLERATE PEOPLE APP.

HEY, KOKO KOALA...
HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. BEEN TRYING TO GET A JOB IN THAT FACTORY DOWNTOWN.
BUT SO FAR, NOTHING.
I BET YOU'D BE GREAT AT CHECKING PRODUCTS AS THEY COME OFF THE LINE.
YOU THINK?
SURE. KOALITY CONTROL.
I WILL HIT YOU DOWN UNDER.

Dear Me...
Stop doing
things that
torpedo my
life.
You're far
too good
at it.
I'M HOPING ME'S LISTENING.

HI. JUST NEED MY BOARDING PASS.
BASIC ECONOMY?
YEAH. NOW THAT DOES NOT COME WITH CHECKED LUGGAGE. IT'S EXTRA.
RIGHT. JUST BRINGING A LITTLE CARRY-ON.
INTERESTED IN EXTRA LEGROOM FOR $50?
NO, I'M GOOD.
AND IT DOESN'T COME WITH MEALS. BUT FOR $30 EXTRA, YOU...
ALRIGHT, STOP RIGHT THERE. YOUR AIRLINES ALWAYS SELL US CHEAP FARES BUT LOAD US WITH EXTRA FEES. I PAID FOR BASIC ECONOMY AND I WANT BASIC ECONOMY!
WHOA. BRO IS MAD MAD.
WHO THE @#$% ARE YOU?
THAT'S JUST JIMMY OUR BASIC ECONOMY PILOT.
HE'S OUR BASIC ECONOMY PILOT.
JIMMY MAKE PLANEY PLANE GO ZOOM.
GIMME THE PILOT UPGRADE.
BASIC COMPETENCE OR I'M FEELING LUCKY?

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, DOCTOR DAN... HE'S A MEMBER OF THE INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATION, "DOCTORS WITHOUT--
excuse me, doctor.
YES?
HI... I CAME IN TO SEE YOU ON TUESDAY... WAS WONDERING IF YOU GOT MY TEST RESULTS.
OH, YEAH. YOU'RE GONNA DIE.
"DOCTORS WITHOUT INTERPERSONAL SKILLS."
BUT HEY, HAVE YOU TRIED THE ROAST BEEF HERE?

HEY, RAT, WHAT'S THAT?
A ROTATING GLOBE THAT I CAN SIT IN.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
PROOF THAT THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME.
SADLY, HIS KIND ARE MULTIPLYING.
HUSH, PERIPHERAL NOBODIES, HUSH.

OKAY. GO AHEAD.
7 4 8
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IS THERE MORE?
YEAH.
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YOU COULD PROBABLY SIMPLIFY YOUR WIFI PASSWORD.
HANG ON. ALMOST HALF-WAY DONE.