Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M SO LOST, BUT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO ASK ANYONE FOR DIRECTIONS.
OH, PLEASE. WHAT'S STOPPING YOU?
EXCUSE ME. BUT... DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE?
DOO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE?
THAT'S WHAT.
IT WILL BE STUCK IN MY HEAD FOREVER.

HEY, OLD MAN JOHNSON, HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT GOOD, PIG. BEING OLD IS TOUGH. LATELY, I'VE BECOME INCONTINENT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO TAKE CARE OF THAT?
DEPENDS.
ON WHAT?
JUST TOLD YOU.
OLD PEOPLE MAKE NO SENSE.

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE TRYING TO ACCUMULATE KNOWLEDGE, GAIN INSIGHT, AND ATTAIN WISDOM, AND ONE DAY YOU DIE, AND IT ALL GOES AWAY.
YEP.
SO WHY NOT JUST SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE BEING STUPID AND EATING BONBONS?
YOU'VE JUST SUMMARIZED MY ENTIRE PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE!
SO IT TURNS OUT HE WAS THE SMART ONE ALL ALONG.
BONBONS GOOOOOOD.

Once upon a time, there was a big, bad government.
BIG, BAD GOVERNMENT
And if people said the wrong thing, the big, bad government would stomp on them like a grape.
STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP
So one day the people got together and wrote a magical document that guaranteed freedom of speech to everyone.
YAY! YES! WOOHOO!! YAY!
And people could finally say what they wanted without fear of retribution from the government.
AND I THINK AND I BELIEVE AND I SAY
But then we came up with...
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
Who protects us from that guy?
CAN HE BE STOPPED?
SAY THE RIGHT THING ALWAYS.
SAY THE RIGHT THING ALWAYS.

THE JOB INTERVIEW
AND HOW DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP OUR COMPANY?
WELL, SOMETIMES MORALE AT A BUSINESS CAN GET PRETTY LOW. I CAN CHANGE THAT.
HOW?
BY MAKING IT EVEN LOWER.
NO ONE DESIRES MY SKILL SET.

OH, GOODNESS, THAT'S TOO MUCH FOOD. AND I'M ON A DIET.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT IT ALL.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I JUST
ATE HALF OF IT, AND NOW I
DON'T HATE MYSELF.
EAT CHOMP CHOMP EAT SCARF CHOMP
I'M OKAY WITH THE HATE.

Family... We got move. NOW.
WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
Human peoples. Dey is killing us for footwear.
IS THIS WHERE WE TELL HIM THAT CROCS AREN'T MADE FROM CROCS?
Rest een peace, shoe.

HEY, RAT, HOW YOU DOING?
I'M ... IS THAT A BERET YOU'RE WEARING?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN BEST FRIENDS FOR OVER A DECADE. THROUGH GOOD TIMES AND BAD. AND NOTHING CAN HARM THAT. EVER.
EXCEPT YOU WEARING A BERET. HAVE A GOOD LIFE.
SOME FASHION CHOICES ARE MORE CONSEQUENTIAL THAN OTHERS.
WHERE CAN I BUY ONE?

I THINK I CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE.
HOW SO?
WELL, I SIT AROUND AND CONTEMPLATE THE WORST THINGS THAT THE GOVERNMENT CAN DO IN A GIVEN SITUATION.
AND?
AND THAT'S THE THING THAT HAPPENS.
HOW ENCOURAGING.
HEY, DOES VEGAS LET YOU BET ON GOVERNMENT?

GOALS
Read for
hour before
bed.
AHH… THIS WILL BE
NICE.
BUT FIRST, LEMME JUST
CHECK MY PHONE TO
SEE WHAT TIME IT IS.
THREE HOURS LATER
GOALS
Figure
out what
Apple
has done
to me.

...SO I THINK THE ECONOMIC MODEL HAS SHIFTED THE ENTIRE PARADIGM.
WHICH GIVES US A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO ACHIEVE REAL SYNERGIES.
AND GIVEN MY CORPORATE EXPERIENCE, I THINK I CAN BE AN INTEGRAL PART OF YOUR TEAM.
SO I LOOK FORWARD TO THE OPPORTUNITY.
WELL THANK YOU VERY MUCH. FRANKLY, I THINK YOU’RE THE BEST CANDIDATE FOR THIS JOB THAT WE’VE SEEN.
THANK YOU, SIR. DO YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE?
YES. CARE TO EXPLAIN THIS FACEBOOK VIDEO OF YOU GYRATING SUGGESTIVELY ON A HOBBY HORSE WHILE YELLING 'FREE THE WILLY’?
CAN WE UN-INVENT SOCIAL MEDIA?

WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON, PIG?
A BUCKET LIST OF ALL THE PLACES I WANT TO GO TO BEFORE I DIE.
THAT'S GREAT. CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
That mall by grandma's house
I TRY TO KEEP IT WITHIN REACH.

WHY DO WE SAY 'BLESS YOU' AFTER A SNEEZE BUT NOTHING AFTER A COUGH? IF ANYTHING, A COUGH IS MORE INDICATIVE OF ILL HEALTH.
WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE?
THAT WE FOLLOW A COUGH WITH ITS OWN KIND OF BLESSING. SOMETHING THAT'S COMFORTING AND SHOWS CONCERN. HERE, COUGH, AND I'LL SHOW YOU.
**COUGH** **COUGH**
MAY DEATH NOT BE AS NEAR AS IT SEEMS.
MAYBE SILENCE IS BETTER.
HOW 'BOUT 'WORMS DON'T TAKE HIM YET'?

WHATCHA DOING, NEIGHBOR BOB?
PLANNING WHERE I WANT TO GO THIS SUMMER. I THINK I WANT TO STAY IN THE U.S.
I COULD PROBABLY GIVE YOU SOME TIPS. I JUST TOURED ALL 50 STATES.
WOW. WHAT WAS YOUR FOCUS? ART MUSEUMS? NATIONAL PARKS? HISTORICAL SITES?
I WENT TO ALL 1990 APPLEBEES.
I SEE.
INSIDE TIP: SOME OF THEM ARE SIMILAR.

HEY, PIG… HEARD YOU WENT TO NEW YORK CITY. IT MUST HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLE.
YEAH. I WENT TO AN APPLEBEE’S AND SAW A MOVIE AND WATCHED SOME T.V.
PIG, THOSE ARE ALL THINGS YOU COULD HAVE DONE IN HUNDREDS OF CITIES.
WHOA. YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’LL TOUR THE NATION’S APPLEBEE’S.
HE’S BROKEN INSIDE.
TRAVEL IS SO REWARDING.

HEY, STEPH. WHY DO YOU LIKE BEING A WRITER?
I GUESS I JUST LIKE CONNECTING WITH OTHER PEOPLE ON A MEANINGFUL LEVEL.
WHY NOT JUST TALK TO THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU?
THEN HIS WRITER BRAIN EXPLODED.
AWWW... WHAT A SAD LITTLE SPECIES.

Dear life,
Please improve.
P.S. IF not possible, will accept 'not worse.'
I'M A TERRIBLE NEGOTIATOR.

CAN I HELP YOU?
GREETINGS. I AM FROM A DISTANT GALAXY. I AM LOOKING FOR BIRD GUANO.
YOU MEAN LIKE BIRD DROPPINGS?
YES. WE USE IT TO BUILD A NEW KIND OF HOUSEHOLD COUNTER.
COUNTER?
YES. FOR STORING ONE'S ITEMS, SUCH AS CLOTHES.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?
CLOTHES IN COUNTERS OF THE TURD KIND.
ALIEN RAY GUNS ARE SO EFFICIENT.

IF I WERE TO HAVE MY OWN NATION, I'D MAKE THE NATIONAL FLAG WHITE.
THE COLOR OF SURRENDER?
YES. SO OTHER ARMIES WOULD KNOW WE'RE NOT WARLIKE AND LAY DOWN THEIR ARMS.
AWW, THAT'S SO WONDERFUL.
AND THAT'S WHEN WE'D SHOOT THEM.
OKAY, WE'RE DONE.
TOO BAD IT WILL ONLY WORK ONCE.

HEY, RAT, I HAD A BUNCH OF RELIGIOUS FIGURINES LIKE PRIESTS, BISHOPS, NUNS. ANYHOW, SOME OF THEM ARE NOW GONE. I'M WONDERING IF YOU TOOK ANY. NO OFFENSE.
NUN TAKEN.

JOB QUESTIONNAIRE
Please identify an innate skill you have:
Speed.
Please explain:
When people do stupid things I get mad FAST.
SOMEHOW I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

LISTEN TO THIS GREAT ETHICS QUESTION... FIVE PEOPLE ARE TIED TO A RAILROAD TRACK. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO FLIP A SWITCH, THEREBY REROUTING A TRAIN AND SAVING THEIR LIVES...
BUT-IF YOU DO- YOU... YOU KILL A GUY WHO IS STANDING ON ANOTHER TRACK. WHAT DO YOU DO?
I'D NEED MORE INFO.
LIKE WHAT?
AM I THE GUY WHO TIED THEM TO THE TRACKS?
MAYBE YOU'RE THE WRONG GUY TO ASK.
IF SO, THAT'S A HUGE WASTE OF EFFORT.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING MAY SEEM RIGHT IN THESE TIMES.
BUT MARK MY WORDS--WHEN FUTURE GENERATIONS LOOK BACK AT THIS ERA, THEY WILL NOT LOOK UPON YOU KINDLY.
BECAUSE YOU WERE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY.
HUH?
YOUR PANTS. TOO TIGHT.
THANKS, GRANDPA.

EVERYONE COMPLAINS ABOUT HOW BAD THINGS ARE, BUT NOT ME. I PREFER TO THINK OF ALL THE POSITIVE THINGS.
LIKE WHAT?
WELL, I USED TO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY GOING TO HORROR FILMS.
NOW LIFE SCARES ME FOR FREE.
LUCKY.
I USE THE EXTRA MONEY FOR THERAPY.

DATING SERVICE
SO WHAT QUALITIES ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY.
SOMEONE LOYAL.
SOMEONE WHO WILL DO ANYTHING FOR ME.
BUT FUN ALSO.
AND NOT A COMPLAINER.
OOH...AND FUN TO SNUGGLE WITH.
I LOVE SNUGGLING.
GREAT. I THINK I HAVE JUST THE MATCH.