Pearls Before Swine | Search

I am sad.
Sad because I am lonely.
Lonely because no one in the world wants me.
And when you don't feel wanted, you feel invisible.
I used to comfort myself by thinking of all the other unwanted people there must be.
But sometimes it feels like I'm the only one left.
Especially at the Post office, where the government announces all those whose status has changed.
SIGH.
HEY, MORON. THEY'RE CRIMINALS.
AW, NUTS. WOMEN ALWAYS LIKE BAD BOYS.

Dear Powers That Be
in the Universe,
I have had more
than my share of
bad luck lately.
So maybe pick
on someone else
for a bit.
P.S. I can
suggest
names.
I ALWAYS TRY TO BE
HELPFUL.

DON'T YOU WISH SOMETIMES THAT THERE WAS THIS MAGIC THING THAT COULD MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF AND MAKE EVERYTHING IN LIFE OKAY?
YES.
IT'S CALLED A SIX-PACK.
I MEAN LONG TERM.
IT'S CALLED A KEG.

BAD NEWS. WE HAVE SAVED ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY FOR THE FUTURE.
GOOD NEWS. THERE MAY NOT BE A FUTURE!
I KNEW IT WOULD ALL WORK OUT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE LIVING THE LIFE YOU SHOULD BE?
STEVE JOBS HAD A GREAT TEST. HE SAID IF TODAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU WANT TO DO WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO DO TODAY?
DEFINITELY NOT.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I’D SEE NO NEED TO PICK UP MY DRY CLEANING.
LET’S START OVER.
I KNEW I WAS ON THE WRONG PATH.

WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE DRUGS?
I GUESS TO PUT THEMSELVES IN A STATE WHERE THEY HAVE NO WORRIES, NO ANXIETY, AND JUST FEEL GOOD.
I CALL THAT NAPPING.
THAT'S CERTAINLY SAFER.
AND IT'S NOT EVEN ILLEGAL.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
IT'S A GLOW BALL. IT GLOWS IN THE DARK.
WHOA. WHAT MAKES IT GLOW?
THERE'S A LITTLE ELECTRIC LIGHT INSIDE. BUT IT MAKES THE BALL GET PRETTY WARM, WHICH WORRIES ME.
WHAT WORRIES YOU?
GLOW BALL WARMING.
MAY THE RISING SEAS WASH YOU AWAY.

YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENTS BEEN ACCUSED OF MURDER.
NO TRIAL! GIVE HIM THE DEATH PENALTY!
MY CLIENT HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF MANSLAUGHTER.
GIVE HER THE DEATH PENALTY.
DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE?
DEATH PENALTY!
SAYING THE WRONG THING?
DEATH PENALTY!
THINKING THE WRONG THING.
DEATH PENALTY!
ASSOCIATING WITH OTHERS WHO THINK THE WRONG THING.
DEATH PENALTY!
ISSUING AN APOLOGY THAT WASN’T 100% TO OUR LIKING.
DEATH PENALTY!
IF SOCIAL MEDIA WAS AN ACTUAL JUDGE.
I’M OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER DUE PROCESS.
HANG THE GOAT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I JUST SPRAY-PAINTED A COP CAR AND ROBBED A CANDY STORE!
WHAT?! WHY?
I LOOKED AT THE CALENDAR TODAY AND IT SAID FEBRUARY 29TH.
SO?
SO FEBRUARY ONLY HAS 28 DAYS! MEANING IT'S NOT A REAL DAY! SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!
THIS FEELS REAL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I MET THIS GIANT FLY
AND HE LET ME HOP
ON HIS BACK AND WRITE
A STORY.
WHY WOULD
YOU WANT TO
DO THAT?
I LIKE CREATING
STUFF ON
THE FLY.
THIS FEELS APPROPRIATE.

If it is before 9 a.m., do not speak to me.
If I have not yet had coffee, do not speak to me.
If it is BOTH before 9 a.m. and I have not yet had coffee, THIS COULD GET UGLY!
IT'S NICE WHEN HE COMES WITH WARNING LABELS.

HOW THE
WORLD LOOKS TO
PEOPLE ON
TWITTER.
OHHHH!
GAWD,
THE WORLD
IS ENDING!
SHAME
THEM!
SHAME
THEM!
WE
ARE
DOOMED!
HOW
THE PEOPLE
ON TWITTER
LOOK TO
THE WORLD...
WHOA...
DUDES ARE
FREAKING OUT.
THE IRONY IS
THAT I'LL
POST THIS ON
TWITTER.
WHAT IS
THAT
TWEET
'SPOSED TO
MEAN??

HEY, RAT... IT'S ME, GOAT... LISTEN, MY CAR BROKE DOWN AND I'M STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. CAN YOU HELP ME ?
SURE. I'M SENDING YOU THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.
IT'S SO MUCH EASIER THAN GETTING UP.

I WANT TO WORK HARD AND BE RICH.

HOW COME?
BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE RICH, ALL YOUR WORRIES GO AWAY.
NO THEY DON'T. IN FACT, SOMETIMES YOU GET NEW ONES.
MY LIFE OF SLOTH HAS BEEN VALIDATED.

AHA!
WHO ARE YOU?
WE'RE THE OFFENDEDSITAS!
WE TAKE OFFENSE AT ANYTHING YOU SAY.
AND DESTROY YOU.
WHY?
IT GIVES US PURPOSE.
IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO?
NOPE
WHAT IF WE JUST GO ON WITH OUR LIVES LIKE WE USED TO....LEAVING CREATIVE PEOPLE FREE TO IGNORE IT?
WHAT DO WE DO WITH OUR LIVES?
AND THERE GOES THEIR SUPERPOWERS.
CAN I AT LEAST KEEP THE TIGHTS?
KNOCK YOUR SELF OUT.

I DON'T NEED YOUR JUDGMENT.
THAT'S REALLY STUPID.
BAD READING COMPREHENSION.

RETIREMENT
CALCULATOR
To determine your
annual retirement
income, just do the
following:

Add your total
personal savings to your
total employee pension.
Divide by the number
of retirement years
you plan to enjoy.
0 + 0 ÷ 0 = 0

I LOVE WHEN THE MATH
IS EASY.

GOD HANDING OUT INNATE SKILLS.
AND YOU SHALL HAVE GREAT MUSICAL SKILLS.
AND YOU SHALL BE NATURALLY GREAT AT SPORTS.
AND YOU SHALL HAVE GREAT ARTISTIC ABILITY.
HEY, GUYS! HAD TO TAKE A QUICK POTTY BREAK. WHAT'D I MISS?
AND THAT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
DEFINITELY DIDN'T GET THE ART SKILLS.

I DON'T REMEMBER ONE THING FROM BEFORE I WAS BORN. SO WHEN I DIE, DO I JUST RETURN TO THAT STATE?
MAYBE.
THEN WHAT WAS ALL THIS FOR?
EATING DONUTS.
HE MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING.

AACHOO!
BLESS ME.
THE EXPRESSION IS 'BLESS YOU'.
YEAH, BUT THAT'S STUPID.
WHY IS IT STUPID?
BECAUSE WHATEVER ILLNESS IT IS, YOU'VE ALREADY GOT IT. AND NOW WE'RE JUST ROOTING FOR ME.
SADLY, THAT'S LOGICAL.
THE TREND STARTS NOW!

HEY, LIFE COACH LARRY. HOW GOES IT?
GREAT. I HAD A SUPER PRODUCTIVE DAY. GOT IN A TEN-MILE RUN. DID ALL MY REPORTS FOR THE WEEK. ABOUT TO TAKE A GOURMET COOKING COURSE. HOW 'BOUT YOU?
I SLEPT SO MUCH THAT THE PILLOW MADE A PERMANENT CREASE ON MY FACE.
I DON'T IMPRESS LIFE COACH LARRY.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
THE GREAT STONE O' REGRET. REPRESENTING EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE WRONG IN MY LIFE. I CARRY IT EVERYWHERE.
THAT'S CRAZY, PIG. THERE'S NO NEED TO CARRY ALL THAT AROUND.
REALLY?
YES, REALLY. IT JUST WEIGHS YOU DOWN. LET IT GO. LET IT GO RIGHT NOW.
AAAHHH
OH,GOD
THUD
THUD
CRUSH
I REGRET THAT.

ARE YOU FACETIMING YOUR FRIEND, NEPHEW NICKY?
YEP. CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO GROW UP LIKE YOU WITHOUT ALL THE HANDHELD COMMUNICATION DEVICES WE HAVE NOW.
WE HAD THEM. THE TECHNOLOGY JUST WASN'T AS ADVANCED.
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
I THINK SO.
YEAH. BUT WE CAN SEE EACH OTHER.
SO COULD WE.

WELL, I'M OFF TO GET A NEW PRINTER.
DIDN'T YOU JUST GET A NEW ONE LAST MONTH?
YEAH, BUT IT RAN OUT OF INK.
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST BUY SOME MORE INK?
IT'S CHEAPER TO BUY A NEW PRINTER.
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
I HAVE FOURTEEN PRINTERS.

OKAY, RAT, I'M GIVING PEOPLE THIS TEST FOR WHETHER THEY'RE AN OPTIMIST OR PESSIMIST.
DO YOU SEE THIS GLASS AS HALF-FULL OR HALF-EMPTY?
I GUESS I SEE IT AS NOT MATTERING BECAUSE ONE DAY WE ALL DIE AND ARE FORGOTTEN AND EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS DESTROYED WHEN THE SUN EXPANDS.
I'D PUT THAT DOWN AS PESSIMIST.
OH, AND THAT ASSUMES WE DON'T BLOW OURSELVES UP FIRST.