Pearls Before Swine | Search

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OLD?
WHEN YOU'RE AT AN AGE WHERE IF YOU DIE, NO ONE SAYS, 'OH MY GOD, HOW?'
I HATE IT WHEN YOU MAKE SENSE.
SHOCKING PEOPLE IS VERY IMPORTANT.

THE TIMES
MORE BAD NEWS
AND IN A BLEAK ASSESSMENT TODAY, THE...
GRIM NUMBERS TODAY FROM...
THE AGENCY IS REPORTING THAT...
TOUGH MILESTONE REACHED AS...
HOW DOES THIS THING WORK AGAIN?
I DON'T KNOW!
IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
STAPLERS. HUNDREDS OF THEM.
WHAT FOR?
'CAUSE IF THERE'S EVER ANOTHER EPIDEMIC, I'M GONNA BE READY.
FOR WHAT?
TO AFFIX AS MANY LOOSE PAPERS AS I WANT TO ONE ANOTHER!
MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS TOILET PAPER.

HEY, PIG, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG.
YEAH, MAN. I'M REALLY DOWN. LIKE, TOTALLY BUMMED.
SO HE NEEDS IT. HE DOESN'T GIVE IT.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
HELLO, BOOZE.

MY DAILY
MOTIVATION
Wealth!
Wealth!
Wealth!
MY DAILY
MOTIVATION
Wealth!
Wealth!
Wealth!
MY DAILY
MOTIVATION
Wealth!
Wealth!
Wealth!
MY DAILY
MOTIVATION
Health!
Health!
Health!

TIRED OF NOT GOING OUT? WELL, KISS THAT FEAR GOODBYE.
INTRODUCING THE BUBBLE ZOOO! GERM-PROOF! LEAK-PROOF! AND MOBILE AS ALL GET-OUT.
AND BEST OF ALL, FOR THOSE DAYS YOU'RE NOT FEELING PARTICULARLY SOCIAL...
NIGHT MODE!
I THOUGHT I SAW RAT.
I DON'T SEE ANYONE.

Plusses and Minuses of getting out of bed this morning:
Minuses - Cold floor - Cold room - No more pillow - No more blankets - Sleep done - Responsibilities begin
Plusses
zzzzzzz

IN OTHER NEWS TODAY, PEOPLE EVERYWHERE BEGAN HOARDING MORE ITEMS.
THIS TIME, BOOKS... INTELLIGENT BOOKS... ON HISTORY, SCIENCE, THE ARTS...
RAISING THE COLLECTIVE I.Q. OF SO MANY PEOPLE THAT____
THE HOPEFUL DREAMS ARE THE WORST.

I want to talk about movies.
Hey, Henry. Hear you love movies. Seen any of the Avengers movies?
No.
None of them?
Nope.
SPIDER-MAN?
Nope.
You more of a Lord of the Rings person?
Nope.
How about the new Star Wars films?
Nope. Don't interest me.
IF YOU MUST KNOW, I THINK THIS CURRENT ERA OF FILM IS THE LEAST INTERESTING WE'VE EVER HAD AND IT DEPRESSES ME THAT EVERYONE HERE THINKS OTHERWISE.
If you must know, I think this current era of film is the least interesting we've ever had and it depresses me that everyone here thinks otherwise.
Henry's spouse never asked Henry to leave home again.
Be home before ten.
Enjoy!
I THINK HENRY COULD BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND.
He can skip Green Lantern.

HEY, SIS, WONDERING IF YOU GOT MY EMAIL ABOUT CANCELING OUR FAMILY GATHERINGS ON ACCOUNT OF THE VIRUS.
YEAH, I DID.
YEAH. SORRY TO CANCEL THEM, BUT IT'S FOR OUR OWN SAFETY.
BUT YOU CANCELED THEM FOR THE REST OF OUR LIFETIMES WITH NO EXCEPTIONS.
CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DON'T NEED RIGHT NOW...ANY MORE PEOPLE DROPPING WORRY BOMBS ON ME.
WHAT ARE THOSE?
HEY, GUYS, DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS POOR GUY? HE WASN'T EVEN THAT OLD.
I THINK I GOT HIT BY SHRAPNEL.
NO ONE NEEDS YOU RIGHT NOW!

WHERES RAT TODAY?
BUYING A GIANT EASTER EGG.
BUT EASTER'S OVER.
NOT FOR EASTER.
THE NEW NORMAL.

AHA! You is let guard down. Croc trap you at last.
Yeah. We is team you leemb from leemb.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, GUYS. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STANDING SIX FEET APART.
Me feel like we lose opportunity.
Is important be safe.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT GIANT SPEAKER?
I FOUND THE HOME OF OUR CABLE COMPANY'S CEO.
SO?
SO I PLAYED HIM HIS OWN COMPANY'S HOLD MUSIC FOR 24 STRAIGHT HOURS.
SOMETIMES I ACTUALLY APPRECIATE YOU.
SADLY FOR HIM, WE WERE EXPERIENCING UNUSUALLY HEAVY CALL VOLUMES.

OH, GOODNESS. THIS IS SO BAD... HEY, PIG... DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS?
HUSH. HUSH. HUSH.
NO WONDER IT'S SO NICE IN HERE.
NO BAD NEWS IN THE HAPPY BOX.

Hey, Margaret,
how are you doing?
Good. I got the modeling job I wanted.
Oh, that's great.
Hey, Pig. You flirting with my girl again?
Henry! How have you been?
Swell. Got a role in a big picture.
Always bragging. Do I brag about any of the famous patients I hold?
Hiya, Gladys.
Hey. If anyone's gonna brag, it's me for getting called up to the majors. I'll finally see if I can strike out the big stars.
Like who?
Mante, Aaron, Mays.
What? I don't get it.
Happy Meadows Retirement Home
They never quit talking.
They weren't always old.
TRENT

WELL, I'M FINALLY GONNA START SENDING OUT MY RESUME.
DO YOU HAVE A COVER LETTER?
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU HAVE TO HAVE ONE. IT'S WHERE YOU INTRODUCE YOURSELF AND TELL THEM WHY YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THEIR POSITION.
I need money.
SOMETHING MORE.
ADD "LOTS."

TODAY WILL BE BETTER...
TODAY WILL BE BETTER
TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER...
TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER

OKAY, GUYS, CUPBOARD'S JUST ABOUT BARE. LET'S PARCEL OUT THE LAST OF IT EQUALLY.
ONE FOR YOU.
ONE FOR YOU.
ONE FOR ME.
ONE FOR YOU.
ONE FOR YOU.
ONE FOR ME.
THE LAST OF THE TOILET PAPER.
GUARD YOUR SQUARES CAREFULLY.
IF I GOT SQUARES, I GOT NO CARES!

IN THE NEWS TODAY...
BAD.
BAD.
HORRIBLE.
It's just a cardboard box... right?
Let's buy one anyway.

TELL ME ANOTHER GREAT STORY ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG, UNCLE PIG.
WELL, FOR FUN, WE USED TO GO OUT TO T. P. SOMEONE'S HOUSE.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
WE'D TAKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF TOILET PAPER AND JUST DRAPE SOMEONE'S HOUSE IN IT.
SO YOU HAD ROLLS AND ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER THAT YOU JUST WASTED?
WHYS YOUR NEPHEW CRYING?
WE DIDN'T KNOW ITS IMMENSE VALUE!

Goals for today:
GET TO TOMORROW.
THESE DAYS I'VE NARROWED MY GOALS.

ASHLEY'S LIFE
Get up every day before she wants to.
Is it 6:30 already?
Sit in traffic for hours.
Beep Beep! Honk! Honk!
Go to a crappy job she dreads.
You are all morons.
Take kids everywhere always.
I'll be late for tennis!
I'll be late for soccer!
Look forward to that one week of vacation,
ASHLEY'S LIFE YOU SEE
Ashley has the GREATEST life.
#partyeveryday #beachlife #livingmybestlife #cancun
ASHLEY HAS THE GREATEST LIFE.
HOW DOES SHE DO IT?

HEY, PIG. JUST THOUGHT I'D CHECK ON YOU. HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP WITH ALL THIS?
GOOD.
REALLY?
I'VE PLAYED 315 STRAIGHT HOURS OF "CANDY CRUSH."
YOU SHOULD STAND NOW AND THEN.
I THINK I CAN DO THIS FOR A SOLID YEAR.

Person I know!
Person I know!
AHOY
AHOY
Butts to you!
Butts to you!
TRYING TO REPLACE THE HANDSHAKE.
I WILL GLADLY MOON ANYONE.