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HUMANITY IS TOO FRACTURED INTO SILLY GROUPS THAT WANT TO DESTROY EACH OTHER. DIFFERENT RELIGIONS. DIFFERENT POLITICS. DIFFERENT ETHNICITIES.
AND IT'S SO DUMB. EVERYONE'S JUST HUMAN. AND BESIDES, THERE'S ONLY ONE DIVISION THAT EVEN MATTERS.
GOOD PEOPLE AND BAD PEOPLE?
GOOD PEOPLE AND THOSE WHO DRINK KALE SMOOTHIES.
ALMOST A NORMAL CONVERSATION.
I'M THINKING WE SHOULD DESTROY THEM.

List of New Year's Resolutions
1) Spend all my waking hours pursuing my life's goals.
2) Nap so much there are no waking hours.
I CAN DO THIS.

December
TOSS
FLICK
FOOSH
SOME YEARS YOU JUST HAVE TO PURGE.

WHERE YOU HEADED, RAT?
NEW BAR ON THE CORNER. COME CHECK IT OUT WITH ME.
SEEMS SKETCHY.
BAR
FINALLY, A JOKE YOU CAN DRAW.
THAT HURTS.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M THE NEW YEAR'S BABY HERE TO WISH YOU A 'NEW YEAR'!
I THINK THE EXPRESSION IS 'HAPPY NEW YEAR'.
YEAH, BUT I CAN SEE WHAT'S COMING NEXT YEAR.
OH GOD... HELP US ALL
GLUG
GLUG
GLUG
GLUG
I'M WORRIED ABOUT NEXT YEAR.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION AND WE NOTICED YOU HAD A GIRL OVER YESTERDAY. ARE YOU DATING HER?
YES. WHY?
BECAUSE WE DON'T THINK SHE'S RIGHT FOR YOU. WE'RE ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP.
OUR H.O.A. HAS BROAD POWERS.

HEY, CAN YOU GIMME A JACK TO GO?
SURE, BUT YOU CAN'T CARRY AN OPEN DRINK AROUND. I'D HAVE TO GIVE YOU A BOX OR SOMETHING.
FINE.
GREAT... I'LL GO GET IT.
BARTENDERS SHOULD REFRAIN FROM ALL FORMS OF HUMOR.

I HEARD YOU THINK YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH PIGITA IS OVER.
YEAH. WE WERE CHATTING BY TEXT AND I SAID 'GREAT TALKING' AND SHE REPLIED WITH THIS...
TTYL
THAT'S 'TALK TO YOU LATER'.
OH.
I THOUGHT IT WAS 'TERRIBLE TALKING, YOU LARDO'.

HEY, RAT, CAN YOU DRIVE ME TO THE AIRPORT TOMORROW?
LOVE TO. BUT I CAN'T. TOO BUSY.
OH. OKAY. HEY, DO ME A FAVOR. GO TO 'SETTINGS' ON YOUR PHONE. THEN 'BATTERY' THEN SCROLL DOWN TO WHERE IT SHOWS HOW MANY HOURS A DAY YOU SPEND MESSING AROUND ON YOUR PHONE.
SEVENTEEN.
TIME MANAGEMENT MAY BE AN ISSUE.

WHAT'S IT LIKE HAVING A CHILD, STEPH?
HAVING A CHILD IS LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN HEART RUNNING AROUND IN THE STREETS AND NOT ALWAYS LOOKING BOTH WAYS.
THAT'S THE CORRECT EXPRESSION.
LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU STUPID LITTLE THING!

Dear Monday,
You are the least popular day of the week.
If you were a Brady, you'd be Jan
YOU THINK ANYONE WILL GET THE REFERENCE?
I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT A MONDAY IS.
FRIDAY IS SOOOO MARCIA.

AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE IN YOUR STOCKING THIS YEAR?
IPHONE!
LEGOS!
X BOX!
NO MORE SHOOTINGS.

THANKS FOR
BOOKING YOUR
FLIGHT ON ACME
AIRLINES. CAN WE
DO ANYTHING
ELSE FOR YOU?
YES. ONE
QUESTION.
ARE THERE
ANY NUNS
ON THE
FLIGHT?
I HAVE NO
WAY OF KNOWING
THAT, SIR, BUT
WHY DOES IT
MATTER?
I FIGURE
IT'S SAFER
GIVEN THAT
NUNS ARE
IMMORTAL.
I BELIEVE
NUNS DIE,
SIR.
SAY
WHAT?
I NEED
TO GO
NOW, SIR.
WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT .... IS CHER
ON BOARD?

HEY, PIG, SINCE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PAYS THE BILLS, HOW MUCH DO WE PAY A MONTH FOR CABLE?
I'LL HAVE TO GO LOOK AT THE BILL.
JUST TELL ME ROUGHLY.
WE PAY. ABOUT. A HUNDRED... BUCKS...
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS FAR TOO AMBIGUOUS.

Personal milestones attained this year:
GOT FATTER!
I LIKE TO FRAME THINGS AS A POSITIVE.

HEY, SCIENTIST SAL. HOW DOES SCIENCE KNOW IF SOMETHING IS TRUE?
WELL, WE DO RESEARCH, DEVELOP A THEORY, AND THEN ASK OTHER SCIENTISTS TO DO A PEER REVIEW.
LOOKS SOLID.
NICE WOOD.
I THINK YOU'VE CONFUSED HIM.
AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST FOR FISHING.

HEY, RAT, I WAS THINKING OF INVITING YOUR MOM TO MY PARTY. CAN YOU GIVE ME HER NUMBER?
NO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE WITH ME.
SO?
SO MY PHONE HAS ALL THE INFORMATION THAT MY BRAIN USED TO HAVE. THUS, MY UNUSED BRAIN JUST WITHERED AWAY AND DIED.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
WHAT'S TOO BAD?
WHAT'S TOO BAD?

RAT SAYS YOU TOOK THE TEN COMMANDMENTS AND SHORTENED THEM TO JUST THREE.
CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
DOGS, TOO
CATS IFFY
SOME OF US LOVE CATS.
SORRY. ALLERGIC.

We were informed!!
Purple is the only great color.
YEP. YEP. YEP.
And now we welcome to the newscast the world's foremost expert on color, MR. PURPLEY McPURP.
AM AN EEERRKPEERRRT.
PURPLE HAS BEEN PROVEN BEST.
KNEW IT. KNEW IT. KNEW IT.
And the proof is this... Have you ever heard even one great thing about red? Blue? Green? Yellow?
BUBBLE OF RED
BUBBLE OF RED
MORE MORE MORE
YOR! YOU!
BUBBLE OF BLUE
BUBBLE OF PURPLE
YOU'RE THE GREATEST CARTOONIST WE'VE EVER SEEN.
BAM BAM BAM
READ BETTER STRIPS! READ BETTER STRIPS!

DO YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD THAT I SEND EMAILS TO MYSELF TO REMIND ME OF STUFF I HAVE TO DO?
WHY IS THAT WEIRD?
BECAUSE WHEN I GET THEM, I MARK THEM AS SPAM.
THAT CHANGES THINGS.
I WISH MYSELF WOULD STOP BUGGING ME.

HELLO? HI... IS RICHARD THERE?
YEAH. THIS IS HIM.
OH, GREAT. WE JUST FINISHED PAINTING YOUR PORSCHE AND WERE WONDERING IF YOU NEED US TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.
YEAH. GIMME POLKA DOTS ON THE SIDES.
SOME PEOPLE JUST SAY "WRONG NUMBER."
MORE FUN MY WAY.

Dear Cable News
People,
Thank you for
your insightful
coverage of that
big hurricane.
What I found
especially informative
was the part where
your reporter stood
in the wind.
I did not know
that when you
stand in the wind,
it blows on you.
I'M HOPING
THEY
RECOGNIZE
SARCASM.
SO THAT'S
WHY HIS
HAIR
MOVES.

HEY, YOU'RE THE DRIVER WHO STOPPED AT THAT CROSSWALK FOR ME.
YEP. NO PROBLEM.
YES THERE IS. BECAUSE NEXT TIME YOU NEED TO STOP 20 FEET FROM THE CROSSWALK SO I'LL FEEL COMFORTABLE WHILE I WALK AS SLOWLY AS I WANT AND OCCASIONALLY CHECK MY TEXTS.
FASCIST PEDESTRIAN GUY. OUR NEWEST CHARACTER.
OH, HELL NO.
A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS GUY WHO WAS KIDNAPPED?
IS HE A KID?
NO.
WAS HE NAPPING?
NO.
EXPLAIN ENGLISH TO ME AGAIN.
FINE, HE WAS MAN-NABBED.

FOR THE SECOND TIME IN THREE YEARS, THE COUNTY I LIVE IN - SONOMA COUNTY, CALIFORNIA - HAS SUFFERED THROUGH MASSIVE FIRES.
BUT THROUGHOUT IT ALL, WE WERE PROTECTED BY FIREFIGHTERS: PEOPLE WHO RACED TOWARD THE FIRE WHILE WE RACED AWAY, RISKING THEIR LIVES FOR PEOPLE THEY OFTEN DON'T EVEN KNOW.
SO WHILE THE TERM "HERO" IS SOMETIMES USED FOR ANY ACTOR OR ATHLETE WE MAY LIKE, LET'S APPLY THE WORD TO THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY ARE.
THANK YOU.
JUST DOING MY JOB.