Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT IS THAT, PIG?
TIMMY THE TABLETOP.
HE TOOK ME APART TO SAND ME. NEVER ASKED PERMISSION. TREATS ME LIKE CRAP.
DOES HE HAVE ANY BASIS FOR SAYING THAT?
HE DOESN'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.
SOMEONE SHOULD BREAK YOUR LEGS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M VERY STRESSED THESE DAYS.
YOU SHOULD? TRY RELAXING A LITTLE MORE.
RELAXING IS WHAT LIFE WANTS YOU TO DO SO IT CAN CATCH YOU BY SURPRISE.
LIFE DOESN'T PLOT AGAINST YOU.
OH, IT PLOTS.

FREE HUGS
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SOME
PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE HUGS
AT ALL, FREE OR OTHERWISE.
AND THOSE
PEOPLE ARE
AMONG US ?
YES.
THE WORLD JUST GOT A
LOT MORE SCARY.

Elly Elephant was lonely.
So she swiped right on a dating app and met her date for coffee.
Why'd you want to meet for coffee instead of my house tonight for dinner?
Well, dinner implies a little more. You know…
But your house, well, that's just nuts.
How is this cafe better?
Well, if things got unpleasant, there are people around, and I could scream.
I just wanted to show you my house. It's 8000 square feet. I guess that isn't surprising given my salary and the car I drove up in. Money says everything about a guy.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Elly Elephant decided loneliness was a wonderful thing.

YOU GONNA GET OUT OF BED TODAY?
NO. I FEAR THE BIG, BAD WORLD AND WANT NO PART OF IT.
BUT YOU CAN'T STAY HERE FOREVER.
I CAN. I HAVE A BED, A BATHROOM, AND A FOOD DELIVERY APP THAT I'VE ASKED TO JUST THROW MY FOOD THROUGH THE WINDOW.
CAN I BORROW A PILLOW:)
INCOMING!

ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT HOW SOON YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GET ANY VACCINE THEY COME UP WITH?
NO. I ALREADY KNOW I'M FIRST.
HOW SO?
I'M A CARTOONIST.
YOU MAY LITERALLY BE THE LAST PERSON WE SAVE.
MY PUNS ARE ESSENTIAL WORK.

SOON, EVERYTHING WE’RE GOING THROUGH WILL BE OVER.

I SURE HOPE SO. I’M SO TIRED OF THIS VIRUS.

OH, I MEANT THE WORLD ENDING. MOST LIKELY BY NUCLEAR WAR.

NEVER MIND.

I THOUGHT YOU SOUNDED A BIT TOO CHEERY.

WORKING AT HOME DURING THE PANDEMIC HAS REALLY CHANGED HOW I SEE MY WORKDAY.
YEAH, YOU MEAN HOW YOU DON’T NEED TO GO INTO AN OFFICE AND CAN DO MOST STUFF FROM HOME?
NOW GIVEN A FULLY STOCKED KITCHEN, I WILL VISIT IT EVERY EIGHT MINUTES.
RIGHT.
I’M THINKING ABOUT MOVING MY DESK INTO THE PANTRY.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
GIMME A LAGER.
MAY A REDWOOD CRUSH YOUR UNFUNNY HEAD.

IS IT STILL 2020?
YEP. AND I HEARD A RUMOR IT MAY NEVER END.
WHAT?
THAT MAY HAVE BEEN CRUEL.

MENTAL HEALTH QUIZ
Please answer the following questions about how you currently feel:
Stressed? ___
Lonely? ___
Disgusted? ___
Sad? ___
Scared? ___
Annoyed? ___
Anxious? ___
Tired? ___
Depressed? ___
Irritable? ___
Frustrated? ___
Mad? ___
YES
IT'S NICE WHEN ONE ANSWER FITS ALL.
YOU TORE THROUGH THE PAPER.

DO YOU LIKE ANY POETRY?
YEAH. ROBERT FROST. I EVEN HAVE ONE OF HIS POEMS MEMORIZED.
WHICH ONE?
"TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A WOOD, AND I - I TOOK THE ONE LEAST LIKELY TO INVOLVE WORK."
NOT SURE YOU'VE MEMORIZED IT CORRECTLY.
I THINK IT'S CALLED "ODE TO A LAZY GUY."

HEY, LARRY. I NEED YOU TO RAKE THE LEAVES.
Sorry, woomun. 'Cause of virus, me is working from home today.
YOU'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH, DRINKING BEER. YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB. AND NO ONE IS PAYING YOU.
You mom very dismissive.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE HERE, PIG?
IT'S CALLED A "GRATITUDE VASE." THAT ONE WAS FROM 2019.
HOW DO THEY WORK?
YOU PLANT A FLOWER SEED FOR EVERYTHING GREAT THAT HAPPENS TO YOU DURING THE YEAR.
2020 HAS BEEN A BIT OF A CHALLENGE.

WELL, I'M OFF TO GET INOCULATED.
FROM THE CORONAVIRUS?
FROM THE EFFECTS OF STUPID PEOPLE.
AH. EVERYONE IS NOW TOLERABLE.
PASS ME A LARGE ONE.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, WHAT GREAT MYSTERY DO YOU PONDER TODAY? THE MEANING OF LIFE? THE PURPOSE OF EXISTENCE?
NO. IT IS THIS.
WHY IS THE WORD "ABBREVIATION" SO LONG?
HE'LL BE THERE AWHILE.

I THINK THIS LAST YEAR HAS CAUSED ME TO REALLY LOSE CONFIDENCE.
NOT ME.
I'M MORE CONFIDENT.
YOU ARE?
I'M MORE CONFIDENT THINGS WILL GO WRONG FOR ME.
THAT'S DIFFERENT.
THIS WHOLE THING HAS BEEN A REAL CONFIDENCE BOOSTER.

AND TO ALL OF YOU IN MY FAMILY...
HAPPY THANKSGIVING... DESPITE THE
UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCES.
HEY, PIG?
YES, UNCLE FRED?
YOU KNOW WHO WE HAVE TO BLAME FOR
ALL THIS MASK WEARING AND BEING
STUCK AT HOME? YOU DON'T. IT'S THAT
@#%$#% POLITICIAN
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!
GOODBYE!
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
THIS COULD CHANGE THE WAY WE DO
THANKSGIVINGS FOREVER.

HI. I'D LIKE A ROOM.
SINGLE?
I AM. AND WOW, YOU ARE THE FIRST WOMAN TO HIT ON ME IN YEARS.
SHE MEANT SINGLE ROOM OR DOUBLE ROOM.
DON'T CROWD ME. WE'RE HAVING A MOMENT.

COVID JOURNAL
DAY 211: Today was incredibly exciting.
REALLY?
NO. I JUST NEEDED TO VARY THINGS.
DAY 204: Sat here.
DAY 205: Sat here.
DAY 206: Sat here.
DAY 207: Sat here.
DAY 208: Sat here.
DAY 209: Sat here.
DAY 210: Sat here.
MAYBE JOURNALING WAS A BAD IDEA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
THE GOVERNMENT SAID THEY DON'T WANT US DRINKING ANY MORE BEER, SO TO STAND UP FOR OUR RIGHTS, I BOUGHT A KEG.
BUT THE GOVERNMENT DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I KNOW, BUT I LIKE TO COUCH MY BAD HABITS AS PATRIOTISM.
THAT MUST BE A NICE WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE.
WHAT? THEY'RE BANNING CANNOLIS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE, PIG?
I CAN FLY NOW!
IT ALLOWS ME TO GO TO ALL THE SAME PLACES I USED TO GO AND STILL SEE EVERYONE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE!
REALLY?
NOPE.

HOW'S EVERY- THING BEEN GOING WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS?
WELL, THE GUY NEXT DOOR TO US HAS BEEN MAKING A HUGE RACKET EVERY NIGHT.
WHAT A JERK.
WHY'S THAT MAKE ME A JERK?
THEY CALL THESE DAD JOKES NOW.
YES, I'M THE FATHER OF WIT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, PIG?
GETTING READY TO FACE THE DAY.
IT TAKES A LOT MORE NOW.

BOB COULD NOT TAKE ONE MORE ZOOM CALL.
THE BORING REPORTS.
OUR THIRD QUARTER INCREASE WAS...
THE SHOWY SPEECHES.
AFTER WORKING THE ENTIRE WEEKEND, I...
THE POINTLESS DISCUSSIONS.
HELVETICA FONT COULD BE BETTER HERE.
SO, LOOKING AT THE SCREEN, BOB SNAPPED.
HERE'S THE STORY OF A LOVELY LADY! (4)
THINK ANYONE UNDER THIRTY WILL GET THE REFERENCE?
I DON'T CARE. I MISS MARCIA.
MARCIA! MARCIA! MARCIA!