Pearls Before Swine | Search

DID YOU HEAR THE FEDERAL RESERVE BOARD JUST MET AND MAY BE TIGHTENING THE NATION'S MONEY SUPPLY?
NO.
APRIL FOOLS!!
MOST APRIL FOOLS JOKES ARE LESS SAD AND NERDY.
I KNOW. MAYBE I'LL FIND AN ECON GRAD.

I'M TRYING TO MAKE A DECISION AND IT'S SO HARD.
GO WITH YOUR GUT.
I GO EVERYWHERE WITH MY GUT.
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
I'D BE HAPPY TO LEAVE IT AT HOME.

HEY, GIMME A COFFEE.
WHAT SIZE WOULD YOU LIKE?
LARGE.
WE DON'T HAVE 'LARGE.' WE HAVE GRANDE OR VENTI.
OH, WELL. THEN GIVE ME AN ARREVEDERCI BELLA A CAPPELLA BECAUSE IT'S JUST AS MEANINGLESS AND EVEN MORE POMPOUS.
HE GAVE ME A 'TALL.'

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY. I THINK YOUR BABY JUST WOKE UP.
TALK TO HER. JUST HEARING A VOICE OFTEN COMFORTS A NEWBORN.
WHAT DO I SAY?
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
HI. WELCOME TO OUR WORLD. SORRY ABOUT THE PLANET. WE WERE ARGUING AND COULDN'T DO ANYTHING.
AND SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT DEBT. WE WERE ARGUING AND COULDN'T DO ANYTHING.
AND SORRY ABOUT ALL THE SHOOTINGS. WE WERE ARGUING AND COULDN'T DO ANYTHING.
ON THE PLUS SIDE, THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD SMELLS GREAT.
WAY TO BRING IT AROUND.
I LIKE TO END ON AN UPLIFTING NOTE.

HEY, PIGITA, WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT?
LET ME CHECK MY DAILY PLANNER... NOPE ... LOOKS LIKE I'M BUSY TONIGHT.
HOW 'BOUT TOMORROW?
LET'S SEE... NOPE. BUSY EVERY NIGHT FOR THE NEXT NINE YEARS.
SHE IS SO DARN ORGANIZED.

HEY, RAT...HOW COME YOU'RE NOT DRINKING BEER?
I REALIZED IT DOESN'T MAKE MY PROBLEMS GO AWAY. IT JUST MAKES THEM DISAPPEAR FOR A WHILE.
SO NOT A CURE FOR LIFE'S ILLS?
MORE OF A CRAPPY MAGIC SHOW.
THERE SHOULD BE REFUNDS.
LET'S DRINK TO FORGET THIS.

VOCABULARY
QUIZ
Define the word 'innate.'
YESTERDAY,
NATE
SWALLOWED
AN ACORN.
IT IS
NOW
IN NATE.
SOME WORDS ARE EASIER TO FIGURE OUT THAN OTHERS.

HOW OTHER PEOPLE SEEM TO GO THROUGH LIFE...
I will try this new thing!
I will try this new thing!
I WILL TRY THIS NEW THING!
Me
ARRGH
All the times I've been hurt
GOTTA LET THAT GO.
NO. SAFER MY WAY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MOTTO THAT GUIDES YOU IN LIFE?
I'VE ALWAYS LIKED THAT LINE FROM 'FORREST GUMP'- 'LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES... YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET.'
I DO. I'LL GET THE ONE WITH THE COCONUT INSIDE AND I'LL FEEL COMPELLED TO FINISH THE STUPID THING.
HOW 'BOUT GETTING YOUR OWN MOTTO?
OKAY. 'LIFE IS ONE BIG COCONUT SURPRISE.'

WELL, I FINALLY QUIT MY JOB.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR MONEY?
I'M HOPING TO FREELANCE.
WHY IS LANCE INCARCERATED?
YOU SHOULD BE INCARCERATED.
I COULD SAY HI TO LANCE.

DANNY DONKEY WAS TIRED OF THE LONG WALK TO THE NEAREST LIQUOR STORE.
SO HE ATTENDED A CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
I PROPOSE TO BUILD THREE LIQUOR STORES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
ALL THE PEOPLE IN ATTENDANCE BOOED.
BOO
BOOO
BOOOO
AS YOU SEE, SAID THE MAYOR, THAT'S A LOT OF BOOS YOU'RE GETTING. AND IF YOU EVER COME BACK, YOU'LL BE SURE TO GET EVEN MORE.
SO DANNY DONKEY WENT HOME.
AND ONE MONTH LATER HE WENT TO ANOTHER CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
I NOW PROPOSE TO BUILD SIX MORE LIQUOR STORES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID LAST TIME? SAID THE MAYOR.
YES, SAID DANNY. THAT'S WHY I CAME BACK. I WANTED TO GET EVEN MORE BOOS.
DANNY WAS FORCIBLY REMOVED FROM THE CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
CAN I BOO THIS STUPID STORY?
ONLY AT THE GROCERY STORE.
IT'S STUPID IF I BOO, ISN'T IT?
YES.
ONLY AT THE GROCERY STORE.
That's a personal right.

HEY GUYS, LET ME GET THE BILL... I'LL WRITE A CHECK.
THANK YOU, PIG.
THANK YOU.
YEAH, I GOT THE CHECKBOOK YESTERDAY. SO FAR, I'VE BOUGHT A T.V, CLOTHES, FURNITURE.
PIG, YOU REALIZE YOU CAN ONLY WRITE CHECKS FOR THE AMOUNT YOU HAVE IN YOUR ACCOUNT, RIGHT?
THIS CHANGES THINGS.
YES.
LIKE YOU CAN LIVE IN JAIL NOW.

YES! I WON ANOTHER GAME OF TRIVIA! I AM THE KING OF THIS GREAT GAME!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LOOKING UP A WORD... AH, HERE IT IS...
TRIVIAL: OF LITTLE OR NO IMPORTANCE:
Dear Trivial Pursuit,
Please re-name your stupid game.

TODAY'S PHRASE
'I should probably let you go.'
TRANSLATION:
You are boring the bejeesus
out of me.
INTERESTING.
WELL, I SHOULD PROBABLY LET YOU GO.
HEY...
DON'T 'LET YOU GO' ME.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.
YOU'RE EATING A DONUT.
RIGHT. WELL, MY PROBLEM WITH FOOD IS, I ALWAYS EAT EVERY BITE IN FRONT OF ME.
SO?
SO DONUTS HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS ALREADY REMOVED THE MIDDLE.
YOU MAY BE MISINFORMED.
TO REWARD MYSELF, I HAVE A MAPLE BAR.

Seismograph of an Earthquake
MOODS OF A CREATIVE PERSON

Hope for the Future
One day,
every bad
person
currently
doing bad
things will
pass on.
THEY JUST GET REPLACED
BY NEW ONES.
Hope for the Future
There
will
still be
cheese.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S ALL THAT STUFF?
IT BELONGS TO THAT GENTLEMANLY NEIGHBOR OF OURS, MR. LEE.
OH, YEAH. HE'S THE GUY THEY CALL 'GENT'.
YEAH, AND HE'S PAYING ME TO MOVE ALL OF IT TO HIS NEW HOUSE.
WHAT IS INCLUDED?
THERE'S A PAINTING OF THE SCREAM; EXTRA DOWN FOR HIS PILLOW; A PHOTO OF MR. LEE; A BOOT I'M GUESSING HIM; AND HE LOVES FISH EGGS, SO THAT'S A PIE FOR ROE, AND ANOTHER PIE AND ANOTHER PIE...
DO YOU NEED ANY HELP?
ACTUALLY, IT'D BE GREAT IF YOU READ OFF EVERYTHING YOU SEE AND I'LL CHECK THEM OFF TO MAKE SURE I'VE GOT IT ALL.
ALRIGHT. OKAY. READY WHEN YOU ARE...
ROE. ROE. ROE. YOUR BOOT. GENT LEE. DOWN. THE SCREAM.
YOU ARE TO COMIC STRIPS WHAT THE 'TITANIC' WAS TO BOATING.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
TO PUT A LOCK ON THE MAILBOX SO WE'RE NOT THE VICTIMS OF IDENTITY THEFT.
OH, PLEASE. EVERYONE'S SO PARANOID ABOUT IDENTITY THEFT NOW. WE'RE ALL A BUNCH OF NINNIES.
YOU THINK THIS MAKES ME A NINNY?
YES.
NINNY.
WE HAVE AN ISSUE.
ISSUE.
NINNY.

IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WITH EVERYONE
HAVING A PLATFORM NOW AND ALL
COMMUNICATION BEING INSTANTANEOUS
THAT WE'RE ALL TOO QUICK TO
OVERREACT?
My friend Goat just said
the dumbest thing that's
ever been said in the
history of the world.
I DON'T
KNOW.
MAYBE I'M
CRAZY.
NO, NO.
KEEP
TALKING.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, PIG?
THE DAFFODILS POPPED UP HERE. BUT THEN THEY HEARD ABOUT ALL THAT HAS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD AND WENT BACK INTO THE GROUND.
SMARTEST THING WE'VE EVER DONE.

DAFFODILS! THE FIRST SIGN OF SPRING! YOU'VE BEEN DORMANT FOR SO LONG. LET ME FILL YOU IN ON EVERYTHING THAT'S BEEN HAPPENING IN THE WORLD!
THEY WENT BACK INTO THE GROUND.

IF YOU CAN DIE AT ANY TIME, WHAT'S THE POINT OF EXERCISE?
EXERCISE ISN'T ONLY ABOUT LONGEVITY. IT'S ALSO ABOUT FEELING BETTER ON A DAY-TO-DAY BASIS.
I FEEL BETTER WHEN I EAT A BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN WASHED DOWN BY A SIX-PACK.
ENJOY YOUR SHORT LIFE.
ENJOY YOUR LONG, SUCKY ONE.

Happiness is a journey!
Which must mean my car is broken down by the side of the road.
ARE THERE TOW TRUCKS FOR THIS?

I am sad.
Sad because I am lonely.
Lonely because no one in the world wants me.
And when you don't feel wanted, you feel invisible.
I used to comfort myself by thinking of all the other unwanted people there must be.
But sometimes it feels like I'm the only one left.
Especially at the Post office, where the government announces all those whose status has changed.
SIGH.
HEY, MORON. THEY'RE CRIMINALS.
AW, NUTS. WOMEN ALWAYS LIKE BAD BOYS.