Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear life,
Please improve.
P.S. IF not possible, will accept 'not worse.'
I'M A TERRIBLE NEGOTIATOR.

CAN I HELP YOU?
GREETINGS. I AM FROM A DISTANT GALAXY. I AM LOOKING FOR BIRD GUANO.
YOU MEAN LIKE BIRD DROPPINGS?
YES. WE USE IT TO BUILD A NEW KIND OF HOUSEHOLD COUNTER.
COUNTER?
YES. FOR STORING ONE'S ITEMS, SUCH AS CLOTHES.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?
CLOTHES IN COUNTERS OF THE TURD KIND.
ALIEN RAY GUNS ARE SO EFFICIENT.

IF I WERE TO HAVE MY OWN NATION, I'D MAKE THE NATIONAL FLAG WHITE.
THE COLOR OF SURRENDER?
YES. SO OTHER ARMIES WOULD KNOW WE'RE NOT WARLIKE AND LAY DOWN THEIR ARMS.
AWW, THAT'S SO WONDERFUL.
AND THAT'S WHEN WE'D SHOOT THEM.
OKAY, WE'RE DONE.
TOO BAD IT WILL ONLY WORK ONCE.

HEY, RAT, I HAD A BUNCH OF RELIGIOUS FIGURINES LIKE PRIESTS, BISHOPS, NUNS. ANYHOW, SOME OF THEM ARE NOW GONE. I'M WONDERING IF YOU TOOK ANY. NO OFFENSE.
NUN TAKEN.

JOB QUESTIONNAIRE
Please identify an innate skill you have:
Speed.
Please explain:
When people do stupid things I get mad FAST.
SOMEHOW I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

LISTEN TO THIS GREAT ETHICS QUESTION... FIVE PEOPLE ARE TIED TO A RAILROAD TRACK. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO FLIP A SWITCH, THEREBY REROUTING A TRAIN AND SAVING THEIR LIVES...
BUT-IF YOU DO- YOU... YOU KILL A GUY WHO IS STANDING ON ANOTHER TRACK. WHAT DO YOU DO?
I'D NEED MORE INFO.
LIKE WHAT?
AM I THE GUY WHO TIED THEM TO THE TRACKS?
MAYBE YOU'RE THE WRONG GUY TO ASK.
IF SO, THAT'S A HUGE WASTE OF EFFORT.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING MAY SEEM RIGHT IN THESE TIMES.
BUT MARK MY WORDS--WHEN FUTURE GENERATIONS LOOK BACK AT THIS ERA, THEY WILL NOT LOOK UPON YOU KINDLY.
BECAUSE YOU WERE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY.
HUH?
YOUR PANTS. TOO TIGHT.
THANKS, GRANDPA.

EVERYONE COMPLAINS ABOUT HOW BAD THINGS ARE, BUT NOT ME. I PREFER TO THINK OF ALL THE POSITIVE THINGS.
LIKE WHAT?
WELL, I USED TO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY GOING TO HORROR FILMS.
NOW LIFE SCARES ME FOR FREE.
LUCKY.
I USE THE EXTRA MONEY FOR THERAPY.

DATING SERVICE
SO WHAT QUALITIES ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY.
SOMEONE LOYAL.
SOMEONE WHO WILL DO ANYTHING FOR ME.
BUT FUN ALSO.
AND NOT A COMPLAINER.
OOH...AND FUN TO SNUGGLE WITH.
I LOVE SNUGGLING.
GREAT. I THINK I HAVE JUST THE MATCH.

HEY, RAT,
PLEASE STOP
EATING MY
FRENCH FRIES.
OH, GOD.
YOU'VE
TRIGGERED
ME.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING
ABOUT?
YOU'VE REMINDED
ME OF THE WAY MY
PARENTS SPOKE TO
ME, AND THEREBY
TRIGGERED A NEGATIVE
EMOTIONAL RESPONSE.
SO
NOW
WHAT?
NOW GIVE ME YOUR
FRIES OR WATCH
AS I SUFFER A
COMPLETE EMOTIONAL
BREAKDOWN.
I FEEL
LIKE YOU'RE
EXPLOITING
SOMETHING.
TRIGGERED
ME AGAIN.
BUY ME
BEER.

WHAT’S ALL THIS, RAT?
I ANALYZE PEOPLE’S LIVES BY LOOKING AT A VARIETY OF STATISTICS AND DOING A PRECISE MATHEMATICAL CALCULATION. HERE. I’LL DO YOURS.
LET’S SEE… ADD THIS TO THAT. CARRY THE FOUR. MULTIPLY BY THIS. CHART ITS COURSE ON THIS PARABOLA. AND… AH. HERE IT IS…
YOU MAKE STUPID CHOICES.
IT’S SO NICE TO HAVE CLARITY.

EVER ACCIDENTALLY REVERSE THE CAMERA AND SCARE YOURSELF WITH YOUR OWN FACE?
TOO OFTEN.

HEY, EVERYBODY! THIS GUY SAID SOMETHING NINE YEARS AGO THAT CAN BE CONSTRUED AS RACIST, SEXIST AND HOMOPHOBIC!
RIP HIM! SHUN HIM! BAN HIM! BOYCOTT!!
YAWN
I CALL IT, THE DAY WE ALL GOT TIRED OF TWITTER TIRADES.
WHAT WILL I DO WITH MY LIFE?

WHAT ARE YOU READING GOAT?
THIS BOOK ON ACHIEVING PROFESSIONAL HAPPINESS. IT SAYS THE KEY IS TO THINK ABOUT AND WRITE DOWN WHAT YOUR DREAM JOB WOULD BE, THEN PURSUE IT WITH EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT.
get paid to drink mai tais.
AND SUDDENLY I'M EMPLOYED.

HI, MR. WONG. I'M WONDERING IF YOU SAW MY CAT ANYWHERE. WE CALL HER "LUV."
SORRY, PIG. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR CAT ANYWHERE.
THAT'S TOO BAD BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY CHECKED WITH ALL YOUR COUSINS...JIMMY WONG, DANNY WONG, CELIA WONG.
WHY ARE YOU CHECKING WITH THEM?
I'M LOOKING FOR LUV IN ALL THE WONG PLACES.
YOU ARE LOVED BY NO ONE.

I GOT AN HOUR BEFORE I HAVE TO BE BED. WANT TO WATCH SOME NETFLIX WITH ME?
SURE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO WATCH?
WELL, WE'VE GOT NEW RELEASES. WHAT'S TRENDING. WHAT'S POPULAR.
WHAT'S BELOW THAT?
LET'S SEE...COMEDIES...DRAMAS... DOCUMENTARIES...CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED MOVIES...SCI-FI...BINGE-WORTHY TV...
WHAT ABOUT THAT?
SEEN IT...WE COULD WATCH THIS.
HEARD IT WASN'T GOOD. WHAT ABOUT THE ONE BELOW THAT?
I DON'T LIKE IT. WHAT ABOUT THIS?
NOT MY FAVORITE. WHAT ABOUT THE ONE NEXT TO IT?
NO. THIS ONE'S SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER.
HOW 'BOUT THIS?
NAH.
WELL, HOURS OVER.
REMEMBER WHEN OUR TV-WATCHING TIME INVOLVED TV-WATCHING?
NOPE.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S GOING ON?
THE PLUMBING ABOVE MY ROOM BROKE AND THE WATER DESTROYED MY T.V., MY COMPUTER AND MY PHONE.
OH, MY GOODNESS. NOW WHAT?
NOW I CAN'T COMMUNICATE WITH ANYONE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
AND LIFE IS GREAT!
MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT EASY.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE UNREACHABLE AND GIGGLING.

HEY, PIG... WHY DO YOU HAVE TWO CORKS IN YOUR EARS?
WHAT'S THAT?
WHY THE CORKS IN YOUR EARS?
OH, I DO IT WHEN I READ.
BECAUSE YOU LIKE IT TO BE QUIET?
BECAUSE I HAVE TROUBLE RETAINING INFORMATION.
IT DOESN'T LEAK OUT YOUR EARS.
OH.
IS THIS BETTER?

HEY, BUDDY... WANT A COCKTAIL?
WHO ARE YOU?
NEW BAR. A REAL HOLE-IN-THE-WALL.
DO YOU DRINK WHILE YOU WRITE THESE?
SOMETIMES.

HARD CLIMB UP SUCCESS MOUNTAIN
EASY SLIDE TO EVERYTHING -IS-FINE- AS-IT-IS COUCH
WHREEEEE
I THINK I KNOW WHY MY LIFE IS WHERE IT IS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. I HEAR YOU'RE RETIRING. WHATCHA GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT FREE TIME?
YEAH. I'M TRYING TO FIGURE THAT OUT RIGHT NOW. I'M MAKING A LITTLE LIST.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
THIS.
- Sit around.
- Await death.
MAYBE YOU NEED A HOBBY.
IS SITTING A HOBBY?

HEY, PIG.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO THIS MORNING?
GETTING
MOTIVATED!
TERRIFIC! MOTIVATED
TO DO WHAT?
TO STAY IN BED LONGER.
I DON'T THINK
THAT COUNTS.
HEY, MAN.
YOU'RE BREAKING
MY FOCUS.

The town was in ruins and the people didn't know what to do.
Wait a minute, said Stevie Shovelnose, "MY" family has been with shovels for noses. Surely we can begin clearing debris.
And my family could saw wood for the homes, added Suzy Sawnose.
And my people could hammer all that together, offered an excited Henry Hammernose.
Soon all the townspeople were volunteering because they realized for the very first time that each part of the family was part of a whole, uniquely able to contribute to the greater good.
And I can sue for injuries below the standard of care!
Except Barry Briefcase-nose, who was buried by Stevie Shovelnose.
ALMOST A FEE-GOOD STORY.
NO, NO, FEE- GOOD.
RUN, PETEY POLITICIAN-NOSE. RUN!

WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT PARTY, PIGITA, AND, UH, I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE?
NEVER END A SENTENCE WITH A PROPOSITION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING BACK AT MY GOALS FOR THE PAST YEAR AND SEEING HOW I DID.
2019 Fitness Goals:
Live how I want and be happy.
ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL YEAR.