Pearls Before Swine | Search

RETIREMENT
CALCULATOR
To determine your
annual retirement
income, just do the
following:

Add your total
personal savings to your
total employee pension.
Divide by the number
of retirement years
you plan to enjoy.
0 + 0 ÷ 0 = 0

I LOVE WHEN THE MATH
IS EASY.

GOD HANDING OUT INNATE SKILLS.
AND YOU SHALL HAVE GREAT MUSICAL SKILLS.
AND YOU SHALL BE NATURALLY GREAT AT SPORTS.
AND YOU SHALL HAVE GREAT ARTISTIC ABILITY.
HEY, GUYS! HAD TO TAKE A QUICK POTTY BREAK. WHAT'D I MISS?
AND THAT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
DEFINITELY DIDN'T GET THE ART SKILLS.

I DON'T REMEMBER ONE THING FROM BEFORE I WAS BORN. SO WHEN I DIE, DO I JUST RETURN TO THAT STATE?
MAYBE.
THEN WHAT WAS ALL THIS FOR?
EATING DONUTS.
HE MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING.

AACHOO!
BLESS ME.
THE EXPRESSION IS 'BLESS YOU'.
YEAH, BUT THAT'S STUPID.
WHY IS IT STUPID?
BECAUSE WHATEVER ILLNESS IT IS, YOU'VE ALREADY GOT IT. AND NOW WE'RE JUST ROOTING FOR ME.
SADLY, THAT'S LOGICAL.
THE TREND STARTS NOW!

HEY, LIFE COACH LARRY. HOW GOES IT?
GREAT. I HAD A SUPER PRODUCTIVE DAY. GOT IN A TEN-MILE RUN. DID ALL MY REPORTS FOR THE WEEK. ABOUT TO TAKE A GOURMET COOKING COURSE. HOW 'BOUT YOU?
I SLEPT SO MUCH THAT THE PILLOW MADE A PERMANENT CREASE ON MY FACE.
I DON'T IMPRESS LIFE COACH LARRY.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
THE GREAT STONE O' REGRET. REPRESENTING EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE WRONG IN MY LIFE. I CARRY IT EVERYWHERE.
THAT'S CRAZY, PIG. THERE'S NO NEED TO CARRY ALL THAT AROUND.
REALLY?
YES, REALLY. IT JUST WEIGHS YOU DOWN. LET IT GO. LET IT GO RIGHT NOW.
AAAHHH
OH,GOD
THUD
THUD
CRUSH
I REGRET THAT.

ARE YOU FACETIMING YOUR FRIEND, NEPHEW NICKY?
YEP. CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO GROW UP LIKE YOU WITHOUT ALL THE HANDHELD COMMUNICATION DEVICES WE HAVE NOW.
WE HAD THEM. THE TECHNOLOGY JUST WASN'T AS ADVANCED.
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
I THINK SO.
YEAH. BUT WE CAN SEE EACH OTHER.
SO COULD WE.

WELL, I'M OFF TO GET A NEW PRINTER.
DIDN'T YOU JUST GET A NEW ONE LAST MONTH?
YEAH, BUT IT RAN OUT OF INK.
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST BUY SOME MORE INK?
IT'S CHEAPER TO BUY A NEW PRINTER.
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?
I HAVE FOURTEEN PRINTERS.

OKAY, RAT, I'M GIVING PEOPLE THIS TEST FOR WHETHER THEY'RE AN OPTIMIST OR PESSIMIST.
DO YOU SEE THIS GLASS AS HALF-FULL OR HALF-EMPTY?
I GUESS I SEE IT AS NOT MATTERING BECAUSE ONE DAY WE ALL DIE AND ARE FORGOTTEN AND EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS DESTROYED WHEN THE SUN EXPANDS.
I'D PUT THAT DOWN AS PESSIMIST.
OH, AND THAT ASSUMES WE DON'T BLOW OURSELVES UP FIRST.

I'M SO LOST, BUT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO ASK ANYONE FOR DIRECTIONS.
OH, PLEASE. WHAT'S STOPPING YOU?
EXCUSE ME. BUT... DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE?
DOO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE?
THAT'S WHAT.
IT WILL BE STUCK IN MY HEAD FOREVER.

HEY, OLD MAN JOHNSON, HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT GOOD, PIG. BEING OLD IS TOUGH. LATELY, I'VE BECOME INCONTINENT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO TAKE CARE OF THAT?
DEPENDS.
ON WHAT?
JUST TOLD YOU.
OLD PEOPLE MAKE NO SENSE.

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE TRYING TO ACCUMULATE KNOWLEDGE, GAIN INSIGHT, AND ATTAIN WISDOM, AND ONE DAY YOU DIE, AND IT ALL GOES AWAY.
YEP.
SO WHY NOT JUST SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE BEING STUPID AND EATING BONBONS?
YOU'VE JUST SUMMARIZED MY ENTIRE PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE!
SO IT TURNS OUT HE WAS THE SMART ONE ALL ALONG.
BONBONS GOOOOOOD.

Once upon a time, there was a big, bad government.
BIG, BAD GOVERNMENT
And if people said the wrong thing, the big, bad government would stomp on them like a grape.
STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP
So one day the people got together and wrote a magical document that guaranteed freedom of speech to everyone.
YAY! YES! WOOHOO!! YAY!
And people could finally say what they wanted without fear of retribution from the government.
AND I THINK AND I BELIEVE AND I SAY
But then we came up with...
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
Who protects us from that guy?
CAN HE BE STOPPED?
SAY THE RIGHT THING ALWAYS.
SAY THE RIGHT THING ALWAYS.

THE JOB INTERVIEW
AND HOW DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP OUR COMPANY?
WELL, SOMETIMES MORALE AT A BUSINESS CAN GET PRETTY LOW. I CAN CHANGE THAT.
HOW?
BY MAKING IT EVEN LOWER.
NO ONE DESIRES MY SKILL SET.

OH, GOODNESS, THAT'S TOO MUCH FOOD. AND I'M ON A DIET.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT IT ALL.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I JUST
ATE HALF OF IT, AND NOW I
DON'T HATE MYSELF.
EAT CHOMP CHOMP EAT SCARF CHOMP
I'M OKAY WITH THE HATE.

Family... We got move. NOW.
WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
Human peoples. Dey is killing us for footwear.
IS THIS WHERE WE TELL HIM THAT CROCS AREN'T MADE FROM CROCS?
Rest een peace, shoe.

HEY, RAT, HOW YOU DOING?
I'M ... IS THAT A BERET YOU'RE WEARING?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN BEST FRIENDS FOR OVER A DECADE. THROUGH GOOD TIMES AND BAD. AND NOTHING CAN HARM THAT. EVER.
EXCEPT YOU WEARING A BERET. HAVE A GOOD LIFE.
SOME FASHION CHOICES ARE MORE CONSEQUENTIAL THAN OTHERS.
WHERE CAN I BUY ONE?

I THINK I CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE.
HOW SO?
WELL, I SIT AROUND AND CONTEMPLATE THE WORST THINGS THAT THE GOVERNMENT CAN DO IN A GIVEN SITUATION.
AND?
AND THAT'S THE THING THAT HAPPENS.
HOW ENCOURAGING.
HEY, DOES VEGAS LET YOU BET ON GOVERNMENT?

GOALS
Read for
hour before
bed.
AHH… THIS WILL BE
NICE.
BUT FIRST, LEMME JUST
CHECK MY PHONE TO
SEE WHAT TIME IT IS.
THREE HOURS LATER
GOALS
Figure
out what
Apple
has done
to me.

...SO I THINK THE ECONOMIC MODEL HAS SHIFTED THE ENTIRE PARADIGM.
WHICH GIVES US A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO ACHIEVE REAL SYNERGIES.
AND GIVEN MY CORPORATE EXPERIENCE, I THINK I CAN BE AN INTEGRAL PART OF YOUR TEAM.
SO I LOOK FORWARD TO THE OPPORTUNITY.
WELL THANK YOU VERY MUCH. FRANKLY, I THINK YOU’RE THE BEST CANDIDATE FOR THIS JOB THAT WE’VE SEEN.
THANK YOU, SIR. DO YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE?
YES. CARE TO EXPLAIN THIS FACEBOOK VIDEO OF YOU GYRATING SUGGESTIVELY ON A HOBBY HORSE WHILE YELLING 'FREE THE WILLY’?
CAN WE UN-INVENT SOCIAL MEDIA?

WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON, PIG?
A BUCKET LIST OF ALL THE PLACES I WANT TO GO TO BEFORE I DIE.
THAT'S GREAT. CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
That mall by grandma's house
I TRY TO KEEP IT WITHIN REACH.

WHY DO WE SAY 'BLESS YOU' AFTER A SNEEZE BUT NOTHING AFTER A COUGH? IF ANYTHING, A COUGH IS MORE INDICATIVE OF ILL HEALTH.
WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE?
THAT WE FOLLOW A COUGH WITH ITS OWN KIND OF BLESSING. SOMETHING THAT'S COMFORTING AND SHOWS CONCERN. HERE, COUGH, AND I'LL SHOW YOU.
**COUGH** **COUGH**
MAY DEATH NOT BE AS NEAR AS IT SEEMS.
MAYBE SILENCE IS BETTER.
HOW 'BOUT 'WORMS DON'T TAKE HIM YET'?

WHATCHA DOING, NEIGHBOR BOB?
PLANNING WHERE I WANT TO GO THIS SUMMER. I THINK I WANT TO STAY IN THE U.S.
I COULD PROBABLY GIVE YOU SOME TIPS. I JUST TOURED ALL 50 STATES.
WOW. WHAT WAS YOUR FOCUS? ART MUSEUMS? NATIONAL PARKS? HISTORICAL SITES?
I WENT TO ALL 1990 APPLEBEES.
I SEE.
INSIDE TIP: SOME OF THEM ARE SIMILAR.

HEY, PIG… HEARD YOU WENT TO NEW YORK CITY. IT MUST HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLE.
YEAH. I WENT TO AN APPLEBEE’S AND SAW A MOVIE AND WATCHED SOME T.V.
PIG, THOSE ARE ALL THINGS YOU COULD HAVE DONE IN HUNDREDS OF CITIES.
WHOA. YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’LL TOUR THE NATION’S APPLEBEE’S.
HE’S BROKEN INSIDE.
TRAVEL IS SO REWARDING.

HEY, STEPH. WHY DO YOU LIKE BEING A WRITER?
I GUESS I JUST LIKE CONNECTING WITH OTHER PEOPLE ON A MEANINGFUL LEVEL.
WHY NOT JUST TALK TO THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU?
THEN HIS WRITER BRAIN EXPLODED.
AWWW... WHAT A SAD LITTLE SPECIES.