Pearls Before Swine | Search

To lock my phone in my car for the night.
WHAT FOR?
Because I always start looking at it before I go to bed. Then I can't sleep because I'm too nervous and upset.
But not anymore. Because I'm finally going to bed at -
Shoot. Don't know what time it is.
Well, that's okay. I'll just sleep 'til my alarm goes off at -
DARN... NO ALARM.
Oh, that doesn't matter. If I'm late for something, someone can always call me and -
Nuts. No way to reach me. That also makes me nervous.
That's okay. I'll just listen to some calming music and -

ATTENTION, PLEASE... THE YEAR WE'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH HAS BEEN THE 'YEAR OF THE RAT' ON THE CHINESE CALENDAR.
AND I THINK WE'LL ALL AGREE IT'S BEEN PRETTY SPECTACULAR. ALL IN FAVOR OF REPEATING IT NEXT YEAR, RAISE YOUR HAND.
AAAAUGHHHH
A SIMPLE 'NO' WOULD BE FINE.

I CAN'T RELAX ANYMORE. MY MIND IS CONSTANTLY GOING. BUT I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA.
WHAT'S THAT?
HIT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH THIS MALLET. I'LL FALL UNCONSCIOUS AND MAYBE FINALLY HAVE A FEW MINUTES OF PEACE.
THERE'S GOTTA BE AN EASIER WAY.
HAPPIEST HE'S LOOKED IN WEEKS.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
Larry start new venture. Offer world his brilliance on all subjects.
WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE?
BAD START.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS NEW
CONTACT TRACING APP? IT
ALLOWS YOU TO SEE WHERE
THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN AND
HELPS YOU TO AVOID THEM.
RIGHT, YOU MEAN PEOPLE
WITH COVID?
STUPID PEOPLE.
NEVER
MIND.
IT'S REALLY
IMPROVED
MY
HEALTH.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S UP?
WELL, I WAS GONNA GO AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD GIVING OUT HUGS TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER. BUT WITH THE PANDEMIC, I CAN'T.
SO I'M GIVING YOU THIS COUPON. GOOD FOR ONE FREE HUG WHEN ALL THIS ENDS.
I SANITIZED IT.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL, EVERYTHING IS BAD, BAD, BAD. WHAT DO WE DO?
FIRST WE STOP WHINING.

STEADY SUSAN WAS STEADY.
LOOK AT HER GO!
I HAVE READ A BOOK A WEEK THIS YEAR. THAT'S A GREAT USE OF MY TIME DURING COVID.
AND I'VE WALKED TWO MILES A DAY. THAT'S A GREAT USE OF MY TIME DURING COVID.
AND I'VE ORGANIZED EVERY ROOM IN MY HOUSE. THAT'S A GREAT USE OF MY TIME DURING COVID.
AND I'VE SPENT MORE TIME WITH MY KIDS. THAT'S A GREAT USE OF MY TIME DURING COVID.
SO I'M BETTER READ, MORE FIT, MORE ORGANIZED, AND A BETTER PARENT.
AND I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!
SUSAN'S NOT SO STEADY.
WE ARE ALL BREAKING.
GUESS WHOSE WHOLE CLOSET IS NOW COLOR-COORDINATED.

IF YOU HAD TO LOSE EITHER YOUR
LEFT HAND OR GO WITHOUT A
SMARTPHONE FOREVERMORE, WHICH
WOULD YOU PICK?
SAD THAT
WE'VE
COME TO
THIS.
WELL,
IT'S ONLY
A HAND.

Wii
Wii
Wii
ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

GOALS FOR THE NEXT YEAR:
BE BETTER THAN THE LAST
I FIGURE THAT'S NOT ASKING FOR MUCH.

WHAT IS THAT, PIG?
TIMMY THE TABLETOP.
HE TOOK ME APART TO SAND ME. NEVER ASKED PERMISSION. TREATS ME LIKE CRAP.
DOES HE HAVE ANY BASIS FOR SAYING THAT?
HE DOESN'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.
SOMEONE SHOULD BREAK YOUR LEGS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M VERY STRESSED THESE DAYS.
YOU SHOULD? TRY RELAXING A LITTLE MORE.
RELAXING IS WHAT LIFE WANTS YOU TO DO SO IT CAN CATCH YOU BY SURPRISE.
LIFE DOESN'T PLOT AGAINST YOU.
OH, IT PLOTS.

FREE HUGS
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SOME
PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE HUGS
AT ALL, FREE OR OTHERWISE.
AND THOSE
PEOPLE ARE
AMONG US ?
YES.
THE WORLD JUST GOT A
LOT MORE SCARY.

Elly Elephant was lonely.
So she swiped right on a dating app and met her date for coffee.
Why'd you want to meet for coffee instead of my house tonight for dinner?
Well, dinner implies a little more. You know…
But your house, well, that's just nuts.
How is this cafe better?
Well, if things got unpleasant, there are people around, and I could scream.
I just wanted to show you my house. It's 8000 square feet. I guess that isn't surprising given my salary and the car I drove up in. Money says everything about a guy.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Elly Elephant decided loneliness was a wonderful thing.

YOU GONNA GET OUT OF BED TODAY?
NO. I FEAR THE BIG, BAD WORLD AND WANT NO PART OF IT.
BUT YOU CAN'T STAY HERE FOREVER.
I CAN. I HAVE A BED, A BATHROOM, AND A FOOD DELIVERY APP THAT I'VE ASKED TO JUST THROW MY FOOD THROUGH THE WINDOW.
CAN I BORROW A PILLOW:)
INCOMING!

ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT HOW SOON YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GET ANY VACCINE THEY COME UP WITH?
NO. I ALREADY KNOW I'M FIRST.
HOW SO?
I'M A CARTOONIST.
YOU MAY LITERALLY BE THE LAST PERSON WE SAVE.
MY PUNS ARE ESSENTIAL WORK.

SOON, EVERYTHING WE’RE GOING THROUGH WILL BE OVER.

I SURE HOPE SO. I’M SO TIRED OF THIS VIRUS.

OH, I MEANT THE WORLD ENDING. MOST LIKELY BY NUCLEAR WAR.

NEVER MIND.

I THOUGHT YOU SOUNDED A BIT TOO CHEERY.

WORKING AT HOME DURING THE PANDEMIC HAS REALLY CHANGED HOW I SEE MY WORKDAY.
YEAH, YOU MEAN HOW YOU DON’T NEED TO GO INTO AN OFFICE AND CAN DO MOST STUFF FROM HOME?
NOW GIVEN A FULLY STOCKED KITCHEN, I WILL VISIT IT EVERY EIGHT MINUTES.
RIGHT.
I’M THINKING ABOUT MOVING MY DESK INTO THE PANTRY.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
GIMME A LAGER.
MAY A REDWOOD CRUSH YOUR UNFUNNY HEAD.

IS IT STILL 2020?
YEP. AND I HEARD A RUMOR IT MAY NEVER END.
WHAT?
THAT MAY HAVE BEEN CRUEL.

MENTAL HEALTH QUIZ
Please answer the following questions about how you currently feel:
Stressed? ___
Lonely? ___
Disgusted? ___
Sad? ___
Scared? ___
Annoyed? ___
Anxious? ___
Tired? ___
Depressed? ___
Irritable? ___
Frustrated? ___
Mad? ___
YES
IT'S NICE WHEN ONE ANSWER FITS ALL.
YOU TORE THROUGH THE PAPER.

DO YOU LIKE ANY POETRY?
YEAH. ROBERT FROST. I EVEN HAVE ONE OF HIS POEMS MEMORIZED.
WHICH ONE?
"TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A WOOD, AND I - I TOOK THE ONE LEAST LIKELY TO INVOLVE WORK."
NOT SURE YOU'VE MEMORIZED IT CORRECTLY.
I THINK IT'S CALLED "ODE TO A LAZY GUY."

HEY, LARRY. I NEED YOU TO RAKE THE LEAVES.
Sorry, woomun. 'Cause of virus, me is working from home today.
YOU'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH, DRINKING BEER. YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB. AND NO ONE IS PAYING YOU.
You mom very dismissive.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE HERE, PIG?
IT'S CALLED A "GRATITUDE VASE." THAT ONE WAS FROM 2019.
HOW DO THEY WORK?
YOU PLANT A FLOWER SEED FOR EVERYTHING GREAT THAT HAPPENS TO YOU DURING THE YEAR.
2020 HAS BEEN A BIT OF A CHALLENGE.