Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear 2020...
If you were a banana, you'd be the brown, mushy one that's left after all the nice ones have been bought.
Be a better banana.
THEY DO MAKE GOOD BANANA BREAD.
DON'T ENCOURAGE IT.

DEPARTMENT OF NAMES (PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS)
WHAT THE #%@** IS GOING ON?
Nuthin'
I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING.
Yeah.
Don't feel like it.
TIRED.
WHERE AM I?
WHO ARE YOU?
Home.
We worked at least 5 minutes today.
WORST DEPARTMENT IN THE WHOLE PLACE.
AND THAT'S THE PART OF YOUR BRAIN RESPONSIBLE FOR REMEMBERING NAMES?
EXPLAINS A LOT.
REPLACE THEM WITH COMPETENT PEOPLE!

THIS POLITICIAN SEEMS TO LIE EVERY TIME HE TALKS.
SOUNDS LIKE HE NEEDS A DEFIBRILLATOR.
WHY A DEFIBRILLATOR?
KNOCKS THE FIB RIGHT OUT OF YOU.
NOT WHAT THAT IS.
THEY USE MORE VOLTS FOR POLITICIANS.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU
YES. I'D LIKE TO RETURN THE YEAR 2020. IT'S REALLY SUCKED.
WE'RE STUCK WITH IT.

DUDE, IT'S NOON... WHY ARE YOU STILL IN BED?
BECAUSE NOTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN TODAY WILL BE BETTER THAN THE WARMTH AND COMFORT THAT I HAVE HERE.
YOU MAY HAVE SOLVED LIFE.

HOLY PANDEMIC. THIS THING IS SPREADING FASTER THAN EVER.
THE VIRUS?
STUPIDITY. IT'S RUNNING RAMPANT.
NEVER MIND.
QUICK! THROW A BOOK AT SOMEONE!

UH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SOMETIMES WHEN I’M DOWN, I TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES AND PUT THEM IN THE DRYER AND PUT THEM BACK ON.
THE MORE YOU KNOW HIM, THE LESS YOU WANT TO.
OOOH... THE WARMTH, THE WARMTH.

Covid
QUARANTINE
GOALS
ACHIEVED
Learned guitar: NO
Got in shape: NO
Cleaned attic: NO
Drank mucho:

IT'S NICE TO KNOW I CAN
STILL ACHIEVE THINGS.

HEY, RAT... HOW HAVE YOU BEEN SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME STUCK INSIDE?
I'VE BEEN READING ALL THESE HISTORY BOOKS I'VE BEEN WANTING TO READ.
PLUS, I'M TRYING TO LEARN ITALIAN AND I'VE TAKEN UP GUITAR.
OH, AND I'M FINALLY WRITING THAT BOOK I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WRITE.
IS IT CALLED, "HOW I SPENT THE ENTIRE CORONAVIRUS TIME JUST DRINKING"?
THAT HURTS.

DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS ONE DAY?
NO.
WHY NOT?
I DON’T NEED THE VISUAL REMINDER THAT ONE DAY I WILL BE REPLACED.
SOME PEOPLE DON’T SEE IT THAT WAY.
SUCKERS.

I MISS MY BARBER.
THIS WILL END ONE DAY.
I WILL HUG HIM AS I HAVE NEVER HUGGED A MAN.

IS TODAY THURSDAY OR MONDAY OR JUNE?
YES.
REMEMBER WHEN CALENDARS MATTERED?

HEY, GOAT. WHAT'S THAT BOOK?
IT HAS PHOTOS OF INTERESTING GEOLOGICAL FORMATIONS. THIS PAGE HAS A VOLCANO, CANYON, ATOLL... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LAST THING IS?
YEAH.
WHEN I CROSS A BRIDGE, I PAY ATOLL.
NO.
THAT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, THOUGH.

HOW IS IT THAT YOU SEEM TO BE
DOING OKAY IN THIS CRISIS?
I DO BETTER WHEN THE WORLD IS
FALLING APART BECAUSE I ALWAYS
EXPECT THAT TO HAPPEN AND NOW
AT LEAST IT HAS.
THAT
MIGHT
NOT BE
HEALTHY.
NOT HEALTHY
IS LETTING
IT SNEAK UP
ON YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
THIS STORY ON THE GOVERNMENT CUTTING OFF FUNDING FOR THIS HEALTH ORGANIZATION.
WHO?
RIGHT.
WHAT?
W.H.O.
WHY?
I DON'T KNOW.
THIRD BASE!

HEY, GOAT. WHATCHA DOING?
JUST THINKING.
ABOUT WHAT?
JUST WONDERING. WHETHER AFTER ALL MY YEARS OF LIVING THERE IS ANY ONE THING I’VE LEARNED FOR CERTAIN.
AND?
THERE IS. AND IT’S THIS. THAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT LOVE. NOT ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE OR WHAT YOU ACHIEVE, BUT LOVE.
HOW BEAUTIFUL.
THANKS. AND HOW ABOUT YOU, RAT? IS THERE ANY ONE THING YOU’VE LEARNED FOR CERTAIN?
IF YOU’RE IN A CAR IN A MOB MOVIE, NEVER SIT IN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT BECAUSE THE GUY SEATED BEHIND YOU WILL STAB, STRANGLE, OR SHOOT YOU.
NOT REALLY WHAT I MEANT.
IT’S THE ONLY THING I’M SURE OF.
THAT’S ALL I’VE LEARNED, TOO!

Rat's Tip O' The Day
When people are rude to you, be above it all.
Why?
Because from up there, you can drop things on their heads.
SO THAT'S WHAT THAT EXPRESSION MEANS.
IT'S WHY IT'S SO HELPFUL.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Someone else.
I THINK THEY MEAN LIKE DOCTOR OR LAWYER.
I THINK BIG.

HEY, RAT, OUR NEIGHBOR FROM ACROSS THE STREET IS AT THE DOOR. WANTS TO KNOW IF WE'LL SIGN A PETITION FOR SOME GOVERNMENT THING.
NO WAY. THE GUY'S A LOON.
SORRY.

IT'S SO HARD TO HIRE SOMEONE BASED SOLELY ON THEIR RÉSUMÉ.
AS A RULE, NEVER HIRE A BOB, BILL, DON, CHUCK, MARK, ROB, NICK, GRANT, PAT, RALPH, SKIP, SUE.
WHY NOT?
THEY COULD SNEAK OFF AND MOONLIGHT AS VERBS.
MIND IF I RAT YOU OUT?
I AM AN EXCEPTION.

HEY, LOOK. IT'S THE GREEK GOD PAN.
IT IS I! AND DO I HAVE A GREAT JOKE FOR—
WHAT A DEAD PAN DELIVERY.
EVEN THE GODS MUST HATE YOU.

ZZZZZZ
SIR?
EVER WAKE UP FEELING SKETCHY?
DUDE, DON'T SIT SO CLOSE.

YES! AFTER TWO MONTHS OF HOLING
MYSELF UP IN MY OFFICE WITH ALL
T.V.s AND COMPUTERS AND PHONES
TURNED OFF, I HAVE FINISHED
THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL!
TIME TO SEE WHAT'S
BEEN HAPPENING
WITH EVERYONE !
WHAT THE? THIS PLACE IS NEVER
CLOSED. I BETTER GO ASK RAT
WHAT'S HAPPENING.
DON'T TOUCH THE DOORBELL,
NEIGHBOR BOB! DON'T TOUCH
THE DOORBELL!
WHAT IS--
HE'S WITHIN SIX FEET!
WITHIN SIX FEET!

AHHHHHHH
BACK! BACK!
SOMETHING HAS
CHANGED.
YOU'RE GONNA
NEED THIS.

I'M DEVELOPING A NEW SOCIAL MEDIA APP.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE PEOPLE JUST USE THE ONES WE HAVE NOW TO POST PHOTOS OF THE BEST MOMENTS IN THEIR LIVES. WE NEED AN APP FOR ALL THE OTHER MOMENTS.
WHAT ARE YOU CALLING IT?
INSTAGRIM.
HERE'S ME IN MY CUBICLE ON MONDAY MORNING.
WHOA. DO NOT BE PERKY AROUND THAT GUY.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?

THIS BOOK ON ISAAC NEWTON. IT'S AMAZING HOW MANY LAWS OF THE PHYSICAL UNIVERSE HE DISCOVERED.

I DISCOVERED ONE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IF YOU ARE IN A HURRY, THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU IN LINE WILL HAVE AN ORDER FIVE TIMES AS COMPLEX AS YOURS.

NOT QUITE NEWTONIAN.

AND WILL FUMBLE THROUGH THEIR WALLET FOR EXACT CHANGE.