Pearls Before Swine | Search

I THINK THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
THAT'S VERY TRUE.
SO MAKE SURE THE STUFF YOU'VE GOT IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE'S.
YOU MAY HAVE MISSED THE POINT.
STEAL IF YOU HAVE TO.

HELLO, WISE ASS ON THE HILL. I SEE YOU’RE WEARING A MASK. ARE YOU AFRAID OF CATCHING THE VIRUS, YOU BIG WUSS?
HEY, DILLWEED...THE MASK DOESN'T SAVE ME. IT SAVES YOU.
BOOT
BUT NOT FROM THAT.

I JUST BOOKED A TRIP TO EUROPE FOR NEXT FEBRUARY.
WHAT ABOUT THE VIRUS?
IT'LL BE OKAY. WE GET THE VACCINE IN JANUARY.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
I'M WILLING IT INTO EXISTENCE!
CAN WE DO THAT?
I'M DOING THE SAME WITH THE MONEY I'LL NEED.

LOOK, RAT, A MAGIC LAMP!
RUB IT, DUDE!
A GENIE!
WAIT...WAIT...WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT?
OH, YEAH, SORRY. WITH THIS WHOLE COVID THING, I DON'T BOTHER GETTING DRESSED UP IN THE MORNINGS.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT OUR WISHES?
SORRY, GUYS. ALL OUT. THERE'S BEEN SOME WISH HOARDING.
SO WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING IN THE MAGIC LAMP?
SOCIAL DISTANCING. UNTIL YOU RUINED IT.
EVEN GENIES ARE TERRIBLE NOW.
HEY, MIND IF I MAKE SOME ZOOM CALLS?

SO THEY'RE HAVING THESE AUDITIONS FOR THE NEW PLAY DOWNTOWN AND...
GUESS WHO GOT THE LEAD!
WAIT. THE LEAD FOR WHAT?
FOR THEIR MECHANICAL PENCILS.
COMIC STRIPS SHOULD COME WITH AUDIO VERSIONS.
IT'S A REAL LIMITATION.

When you don't have a musical about daisies.
VOCAB QUIZ
DEFINE LACKADAISICAL
MAYBE I COULD QUIT TEACHING AND MOVE TO MOROCCO.
WILL THAT BE ON THE QUIZ?

HEY, PIG... YOU DOING ANYTHING TODAY?
I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING SOMEWHERE. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
SOUNDS GREAT. WHERE YOU GOING?
MY GARAGE AND BACK.
DESPERATE TIMES.
I'M SO HAPPY I COULD CRY.

HEY, ART, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. JUST WANT TO BE SURE YOU GOT THE NEW SOCIAL DISTANCING GUIDELINES FROM THE C.D.C.
YEAH, SIX FEET.
RIGHT, THAT'S THE GENERAL RULE, BUT THEN THERE ARE MORE SPECIFIC ONES.
THERE ARE?
YEA. FOR ANNOYING NEIGHBORS, IT'S 35 MILES.
I'M GOING INSIDE NOW.
I'LL PUT THIS ON YOUR LAWN.

I STARTED SELLING A GIF OF THOSE THREE JUMPING DOTS YOU SEE WHEN SOMEONE IS WRITING A TEXT TO YOU.
WHAT FOR?
YOU SEND IT TO PEOPLE WHO TEXT YOU TOO MUCH. THEN THEY THINK YOU'RE WRITING THEM BACK WHEN REALLY YOU'RE JUST DRINKING AND IGNORING YOUR PHONE.
I HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE BRILLIANT.
HANG ON, GUYS, MY GIRLFRIEND'S SENDING A SUPER-LONG TEXT.

-Drive to work.
- Dentist.
- Office parties.
TO-DO LIST?
Things I didn't miss this year.
OH.
IS "INTERACTION WITH PEOPLE" TOO BROAD?

PIG!
NEIGHBOR BOB!
WELCOME, PIG!
LONG TIME, NO SEE.
TO A WHOLE DAY OF EATING, DRINKING AND BEING TOGETHER.
ONE WHOLE DAY.
ONE DAY.
ONE DAY.

DID YOU SEE THESE NEW GUIDELINES FROM THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL?
OH, GREAT... HERE WE ALL ARE AGAINST THIS DISEASE CONTROLLING OUR LIVES AND THESE GUYS ARE FOR IT.?
I THINK I’VE LOST YOU.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME MY TAXES PAY FOR THAT.

HEY RAT, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
WINE. I SPLURGED LIKE A RICH PERSON AND BOUGHT A $1000 BOTTLE OF CABERNET, WHICH I'M ABOUT TO TRY.
WINE. DRINK DRINK DRINK
WELL, WHAT'S IT TASTE LIKE?
WINE.
EVER FEEL LIKE ALL OF LIFE IS ONE BIG HOAX?
YES! AND I'M NEVER IN ON IT!

MY DAILY WORRIES BROKEN DOWN BY PERCENTAGES:
40%: WORRIES ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED.
30%: WORRIES ABOUT THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN.
29%: WORRIES ABOUT THINGS THAT MAY HAPPEN.
1%: NOT WORRYING AND THEREBY WORRYING THAT I'M LETTING MY GUARD DOWN.
FUN DAY.
I WORRIED YOU'D SAY THAT.

WELL, PIG, I'VE DISCOVERED A VACCINE.
FOR THE VIRUS?
STUPIDITY. IT'S CALLED READING.
DOES MY FACEBOOK FEED COUNT?
YEAH, THAT WORSENS THINGS.

HEY, RAT, WANT REPEATED VEGETABLES FOR DINNER? OR "RE-VEG," AS I CALL THEM.
WHAT IS THAT?
SAME VEGGIES AS LAST NIGHT. REPETITION MAKES THEM TASTE BETTER.
DON'T YOU AT LEAST WARM THEM UP?
RE-VEG IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD.
I'LL REMEMBER THAT WHEN I BEAT YOU WITH A CUCUMBER.

TODAY IS GONNA BE A WONDERFUL DAY!
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE BY MY COUNT, WE'VE HAD 120 STRAIGHT BAD ONES.
AND OUR LUCK CHANGES NOW!
LAST THING I ALWAYS SAID BEFORE LOSING AT THE CRAPS TABLE.
UH OH, DON'T CHECK YOUR TWITTER FEED.

Catch fairy here
HI, MAGIC FAIRY MARY.
HIYA, PIG.
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
I NEED YOU TO FIX THE WHOLE WORLD. THE VIRUS. THE RACISM. THE PLANET. THE HUNGRY.
OKAY, JUST ONE PROBLEM.
WHAT’S THAT?
I DON’T EXIST.
But you do.

HEY, GOAT. I SEE ON MY PHONE THAT YOU CALLED. WHAT DO YOU NEED?
DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO MY MESSAGE?
WHY SHOULD I?
WHEN I CAN JUST CALL YOU BACK AND ASK WHAT YOU WANT?
THEN WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER LEAVING MESSAGES?
BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU WON'T REMEMBER WHY YOU CALLED?
WHY DID I CALL?
DON'T KNOW.
DIDN'T LISTEN.

Dear life,
You've been very difficult lately.
But I'm gonna be happy anyways.
Because I can be difficult too.

I FEEL LIKE I’VE ACCOMPLISHED SO LITTLE IN MY LIFE.
HEY… ALWAYS REMEMBER… TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
WHOA. THAT IS SO INSPIRATIONAL.
IT IS, ISN’T IT?
BUT IF I PUT IT OFF ‘TIL TOMORROW, WON’T THAT ALSO BE THE FIRST DAY?
YOU’RE RUINING THE INSPIRATION.
HEY. I CAN PUT THIS OFF FOREVER.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND AL. HE'S A CERTIFIED GENIUS.
YEAH, WELL, THAT TERM GETS THROWN AROUND TOO LOOSELY. WHAT MAKES HIM A "GENIUS"?
I UNDERSTOOD THE ENTIRE PLOT OF 'INCEPTION'.
OKAY, YOU'RE THE REAL DEAL.
AND ALMOST HALF OF 'MEMENTO'.
NOW HE'S JUST SHOWING OFF.

HOW TO GET THROUGH ALL THIS
TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
TOO HARD.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
I'M ON THE MINUTE BY MINUTE PLAN.
OOH. ANOTHER ONE DOWN.

HEY, PIG, ARE YOU GONNA GET OUT OF BED TODAY?
NO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE LIFE HAS NOT PROVEN ITSELF WORTHY OF MY ATTENDANCE.
YOU MAKE A FAIR POINT.
I'LL TRY WHEN IT DOES.

HEY. HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THE GUY WHO TOOK ALL THE TOILET PAPER.
WHAT FOR?
WHEN THE PANDEMIC HIT, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, IF THINGS GET REALLY BAD, AND ITS EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF, WHAT ITEM WILL BE THE MOST CRUCIAL FOR MY SURVIVAL?
FOOD?
WATER?
MEDICINE?
HEAT?
FUEL?
HONEY, WE GOTTA GO BACK TO THE STORE... NOW.
BEFORE YOU GO, SPARE A SQUARE?