Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
I'VE CREATED MY OWN BRAND OF VODKA.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
RESPONSIBLY.
WHY'D YOU CALL IT THAT?
SO WHEN OTHER BRANDS ADVERTISE, THEY HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE TO 'DRINK RESPONSIBLY.'
THAT'S SORT OF BRILLIANT.
SAVES A FORTUNE ON MARKETING.

WHAT DO YOU ASPIRE TO BE?
ALIVE NEXT WEEK.
MY GOALS HAVE BECOME MORE FLEXIBLE.

CAN YOU SAY MY NAME FIVE TIMES FAST OUT LOUD?
WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
I DON'T. I JUST LIKE KNOWING THAT I CAUSED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE TO TRY.
YOU'RE ABUSING YOUR COMIC STRIP POWERS.
IMAGINE HOW THE PEOPLE ON SUBWAYS LOOKED.

DO YOU HAVE A SAYING THAT YOU TURN TO FOR INSPIRATION ?
YEAH..."A JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES BEGINS WITH A SINGLE STEP."
SO DOES FALLING OFF A CLIFF.
THAT'S LESS INSPIRATIONAL.
I GIVE UP.
BEST TO NEVER LEAVE HOME.

GOAL FOR THE WEEK
Be right more
then wrong.
'THAN', NOT 'THEN.'
Will be
long
week.

THE FEW GOOD THINGS IN THE BADNESS THAT IS NOW
FEWER SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
YAY FOR INTROVERTS!
NO MORE NEED TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR NOT GOING TO THOSE SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
GEE, I’D LOVE TO, BUT I’M MAKING ORANGE JUICE SO I CAN’T
-THE STAY-AT-HOME ORDER!
THE STAY-AT-HOME ORDER!
COLLEGE-AGE KIDS BACK HOME.
WANNA PLAY?
NOPE.
NO MORE CARING HOW I LOOK.
ME SASQUATCH!
SITTING AROUND ALL DAY DRINKING BEER NOW PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE.
THIS IS LIVING.
WELL ALMOST.
YOU GONNA DO THIS ALL DAY?
SWEETIE, PLEASE. IT’S THINKY TIME.
CARTOONIST AT WORK.

HEY, RAT. WANT TO TAKE A BREAK
FROM ALL THAT'S GOING ON AND
HEAR SOME POETRY FROM YEATS?
NO. POETRY IS STUPID.
IT NEVER MAKES SENSE
AND IT NEVER RELATES
TO THE PRESENT-DAY
WORLD.
TURNING AND TURNING IN THE WIDENING
GYRE, THE FALCON CANNOT HEAR THE
FALCONER;
THINGS FALL APART; THE CENTRE
CANNOT HOLD;
MERE ANARCHY IS LOOSED UPON THE WORLD.
DID HE
WRITE
THAT
YESTERDAY?
BORROW
IT. I
WON'T
TELL.

Dear WORLD Falling Apart...
If I could hold you together with tape and glue, I would.
But all I have to offer is this...
Love.
LOVE LOVE LOVE
LOVE LOVE LOVE
LOVE love love love
Love love love
LOVE
You may need extra.

HEY, GOAT. JUST WOKE UP FROM THE WORST DREAM.
WHAT WAS IT?
WELL, WE WERE IN THIS POST-APOCALYPTIC TIME OF PLAGUE AND MASS UNEMPLOYMENT WHEN A BARBARIC ACT LIT THE NATION ON FIRE.
NO DREAM.
REAL.
IS THERE STILL CORN, OR HAVE THE LOCUSTS EATEN IT?

WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO OUR CONTINUING EDUCATION CLASS. AS YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR ATTENDING THESE CLASSES VIA ZOOM JUST AS YOU WOULD OUR REGULAR CLASS. UNDERSTAND?
YES.
YES.
YES.
HI! ME LARRY!
And it look realistic?
Oh. So realistic.

HEY, RAT, DID YOU BRING US A PIE?
YES. THIS PIE REPRESENTS MY PLANS FOR THE FUTURE.
OH, LOOK, HERE COMES 2020.
SPLLOSH
THIS VASE REPRESENTS MY HOPES AND DREAMS.
WE SHOULD GO.
ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING PRANCING AROUND LIKE THAT? DON'T YOU LISTEN TO THE NEWS?
IT'S CALLED 'STUPID OPTIMISM.' IT'S WHEN YOU'RE OPTIMISTIC FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL!
IS THAT ALLOWED?

MOM, I’VE COME OVER HERE TODAY TO ASK YOU WHY YOU DID NOT PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
WELL, WHEN I HAD YOU, I WAS SO YOUNG.
AND I WANTED TO DO SO MANY THINGS WITH MY LIFE AND I COULDN’T DO SOME OF THOSE THINGS AFTER I HAD YOU.
AND I THINK I STUPIDLY FELT KIND OF RESENTFUL.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT??
SO IN ADDITION TO BEING A MOM, YOU WERE ALSO A REGULAR PERSON WITH REGULAR PERSON ‘FEELINGS’?
YES.
AND THAT’S WHEN HIS STUNNED, LITTLE BRAIN EXPLODED.
MOMS ARE WHAT NOW?

WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE, SUCCEED OR FAIL, THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO ALWAYS TRY YOUR BEST.
GREAT, THANKS FOR COMING IN.
I DIDN'T GET THE AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLER JOB.

WISE ASS
ON THE HILL
OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL... I'M TRYING TO DETERMINE IF THIS PERSON I MET IS NORMAL OR A WEIRDO.
WEIRDO.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL WEIRDOS. SOME OF US JUST HIDE IT BETTER.
SHOULD I BE REASSURED OR SCARED?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
MY TO-DO LIST FOR THE DAY.
1) Buy milk.
2) Mow lawn.
3) Develop theory to bridge Einstein's law of relativity with the standard model of particle physics.
SOMETIMES I GO BIG.

BEHOLD! THE GERM-AWAY! A PORTABLE POD I INVENTED THAT KEEPS YOU SAFE AND HEALTHY.
CAN I BUY ONE?
SURE. DO YOU WANT THE GERM-AWAY 1.0 OR 2.0?
WHAT'S THE 2.0?
IT COMES WITH THE "YOU'RE STANDING TOO CLOSE" ENFORCEMENT MALLET.
I'LL SHOP FROM OVER HERE.
PLEASE DON'T RUIN MY FUN.

SOB SOB SOB
HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, ARE YOU CRYING OR CALLING SOMEONE A YOU-KNOW-WHAT'S?
CRYING.
SO HARD TO TELL IN COMIC STRIPS.

HEY, PIG, WHERE'S YOUR COFFEE THIS MORNING?
I LIKE TO KEEP IT LUKEWARM.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. WANT TO SEE SOME PHOTOS?
OF WHAT?
MY EUROPEAN TRIP. THIS IS ME IN FRONT OF BIG BEN.
AND THIS IS ME IN FRONT OF THE EIFFEL TOWER.
AND THIS IS ME IN FRONT OF THE COLOSSEUM.
THIS IS ME IN FRONT OF--
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
SURE.
DO YOU TRAVEL TO EXPERIENCE OTHER CULTURES OR JUST TO SHOW YOUR FRIENDS YOU'VE BEEN THERE?
AND THIS IS ME IN FRONT OF THE ACROPOLIS-- AND--
OH, LOOK, I'M LATE FOR... SOMETHING.

AN ACTUAL
THING THAT
HAPPENED TO
ME YESTERDAY
THAT WOULD
MAKE SENSE
IN NO OTHER
ERA OF YOUR
LIFE.
AWWW... YOUR DOG
IS SO CUTE.
SIX FEET
PLEASE!!
PEOPLE
SHOULD
YELL AT
YOU MORE
OFTEN.
IT WAS AT
LEAST FIVE
FEET, TEN
INCHES.

HEY, RAT, DID YOU HEAR THIS TERRIBLE STORY ABOUT—
I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE BAD NEWS.
SERIOUSLY.
SO IF YOU HAVE ANY, SHOVE IT.
WANNA TALK ABOUT PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS?
DON'T GET SNARKY.

HELLO, FAMILY! IS EVERYONE READY FOR OUR RECORD 90TH STRAIGHT NIGHT OF FAMILY TOGETHERNESS?
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO SICK OF FAMILY TOGETHERNESS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!
I CALL IT, "FAMILY TOGETHERNESS HAS LIMITS".
MAYBE WE COULD ALL TRADE FAMILIES FOR A BIT.

SNAPSHOTS
Me, June, 2019.
WOW, THIS PLACE IS JAMMED!
Me, June, 2020.
LOOK! A PEOPLE!
WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES.
SIX FEET PLEASE!

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
DOCTOR'S OFFICE. I'M GETTING BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY.
WHAT'D SHE SAY?
SHE'S TRYING TO FLATTEN THE CURVE.
BEST YOU CAN DO?
THE BREAST IS YET TO COME.