Pearls Before Swine | Search

SING ALONG.
IF YOU'RE DRINKING AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS.
IF YOU'RE DRINKING AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS.
IF YOU'RE DRINKING AND YOU KNOW IT, THEN YOUR FACE WILL SURELY SHOW IT.
IF YOU'RE DRINKING AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS.
THE PANDEMIC SONG.
AND I KNOW IT.

FACEBOOK BANNED MY POSTS AND VIOLATED MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS!
ACTUALLY THE FIRST AMENDMENT ONLY APPLIES TO ACTIONS TAKEN BY THE GOVERNMENT.
SO FACEBOOK IS NOT OUR GOVERNMENT?
NO.
SO ARE THEY MORE LIKE A DEITY?

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU?
I BOUGHT MY GIRLFRIEND SOME CAKE BATTER.
IS IT GOOD?
MY GIRLFRIEND THINKS IT'S AN IMPROVEMENT OVER OTHER CAKES BECAUSE THE BUTTER IN IT IS A LITTLE BITTER.
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
I BOUGHT HER BETTER BITTER BUTTER BATTER.
SURELY, YOUR RETIREMENT AGE IS NEARING.

HOW WE APPEAR TO OTHERS DURING THE PANDEMIC:
HOW WE SEE OURSELVES:
LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!
WHERE ARE ALL THE EMPTY WINE BOTTLES?
I KNEW I LEFT SOMETHING OUT.

Things I've learned in life:
Failure is not an option.
It's a lifestyle.
I'VE DECIDED TO REALLY COMMIT.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
HELPING PIG MAKE HIS DAYS MORE PRODUCTIVE, THOUGH IT WILL INVOLVE SOME SACRIFICES.
YEAH, I'M GONNA BE DISCIPLINED AND WORK OUT A COUPLE HOURS A DAY TO BE HEALTHY.
AND MEDITATE FOR TWO HOURS IN THE MORNING AND ONE HOUSE AT NIGHT TO BE CALM.
AND SET ASIDE THREE HOURS A DAY FOR FRIENDS, AND ANOTHER HOUR FOR LUNCH.
AND AN HOUR TO REALLY ENJOY BREAKFAST, ONE FOR LUNCH, AND ONE FOR DINNER.
THEN A FEW HOURS TO READ. AND EIGHT HOURS A DAY TO WORK AT A FULFILLING JOB.
THAT'S TWENTY-FOUR HOURS AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ACCOUNTED FOR SLEEP.
THAT'S ONE OF THE SACRIFICES.
YOU CAN GET SO MUCH MORE DONE!

I LOST MY JOB AT THE COFFEE SHOP FOR CONDUCT THAT THEY SAID WAS NOT CONSISTENT WITH THE COMPANY'S VALUES.
WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, YOU KNOW HOW COMPANIES ARE THESE DAYS SO P.C. AND AFRAID TO OFFEND ANYONE. THEY'LL FIRE YOU FOR THE SLIGHTEST OFFENSE.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I DIDN'T LIKE A CUSTOMER'S ORDER, SO I HIT HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A COFFEE POT AND KNEED HIM IN THE GROIN.
THEY'LL FIRE YOU FOR ANYTHING THESE DAYS.
AND IT WAS ONLY A FIRST OFFENSE.

WHAT FUN THINGS ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE AFTER ALL THIS COVID STUFF IS DONE?
WHAT?
THERE CAN BE FUN IN LIFE?
YES. FUN WILL AGAIN BE A THING.
SPELL THE WORD FOR ME SLOWLY.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.
UNLESS YOU LET IT BE, IN WHICH CASE LIFE GETS SOOOOOO MUCH EASIER.
I LOST MY JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.

THE GROWTH OF SOCIAL MEDIA:
2005 2010 2015 2021
MY UNHAPPINESS:
2005 2010 2015 2021
I'M THINKING THERE MIGHT BE A CONNECTION.
MIND IF I POST THIS?

HEY, PIG, YOU
SPELLED RECEIPT
WRONG THERE.
IT'S NOT
"R-E-C-I-E-P-T."
I CAN
NEVER
REMEMBER
HOW TO
SPELL IT.
THIS NEIGHBOR OF
MINE IS A TEACHER
AND SHE SAYS THE
RULE IS "I BEFORE
E EXCEPT AFTER C."
AND AN
ODD RULE
LIKE THAT
HELPS
YOU?
YEAH. IT'S WEIRD SEEING WHAT AN
INEFFICIENT SCIENCE THEIR ANCIENT
RULES OF GRAMMAR ARE. BUT HIS
NEIGHBOR BEING THE PROFICIENT
PERSON SHE IS OUTWEIGHS EITHER OF
US LIGHTWEIGHTS DISAGREEING.
I SEE
WHAT
YOU DID
THERE.
JUST POINTING
OUT
FALLACIES.

MY NEW STRATEGY FOR SUCCESS IN LIFE:
DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!*
*Provided it doesn’t involve getting up early, effort or sweating.
I HAVE MY LIMITS.

YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR MY OPINION, BUT I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU.
NO...NO... LISTEN TO THIS.
DO I KNOW YOU?
NOT REALLY. BUT MY GRANDFATHER DIED A YEAR AGO LAST WEEK...
WELL, SORRY ABOUT--
NO, LOOK AT US! LOOK WHERE WE ARE! IS YOUR LIFE THIS GOOD?
WELL...
NO TIME FOR THAT..YOU NEED TO BE OUTRAGED BY ALL THE THINGS THAT OUTRAGE ME!
NO!
NO!
LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME!
ME!
ME!
ME! YOU FOOL!
IF REAL LIFE WAS LIKE SOCIAL MEDIA.
LOOK AT MY FOOD, STRANGER!

The Meaningful Life
Every day, write down one thing you will do to make a difference.
And then do it!
I will eat a giant cheeseburger.
And my weight will be different.
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP

HEY, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FINALLY GETTING INOCULATED.
OH, GREAT, SO THAT YOU'RE SAFE FROM THE CORONAVIRUS?
THE ANNOYING EFFECTS OF OTHER PEOPLE.
DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A SHOT FOR THAT.
HAHA... LOOK AT THAT GUY DOUBLE-PARKING.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NICK, I HEAR YOU'RE A BARTENDER NOW.
WRONG.
I'M A MIXOLOGIST.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
ONE'S A NORMAL GUY AND ONE USES THE WORD 'MIXOLOGIST.'
NO.
ARE YOU THE TYPE WHO SAYS 'PLETHORA' INSTEAD OF 'LOTS'?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, STEPH?
THE ORDER THAT PEOPLE GET THE VACCINE. I DON'T SEE MY GROUP.
Group 1: Long-term care residents
Group 2: 75 and older
Group 3: Essential workers
THERE YOU ARE.
Group 785:
Those who profit from puns
THAT FEELS DISCRIMINATORY.
HEY, YOU'RE AHEAD OF ASSASSINS!

I DON'T GET IT. YOU USED TO VISIT ME EVERY DAY. NOW I SEE YOU WHAT--EVERY THREE OR FOUR?
I MEAN, SURE... THERE'S A PANDEMIC. YOU DON'T SEE OTHERS AS MUCH. BUT YOU HARDLY SEE ME AT ALL.
IT'S BEEN A TOUGH YEAR FOR SHOWERS.

STAGE ONE:
SWEATS OKAY FOR WORK ZOOM CALL BECAUSE NO ONE SEES THEM.
STAGE TWO:
SWEATS OKAY FOR GROCERY STORE SHOPPING.
STAGE THREE:
SWEATS OKAY FOR EVERY SINGLE EVENT IN LIFE.
IS THERE A STAGE FOUR?
SWEATS NEED NEVER BE WASHED.

MY FRIEND AND HIS WIFE GOT BUSTED FOR SHOPLIFTING. SHE TOOK A VINTAGE RECORD AND SHE TOOK A RAP CD. AND A CANNED HAM?!?
SO THEY'RE BOTH IN TROUBLE?
NO. MY FRIEND TOLD THE COPS HE TOOK ALL OF IT.
HOW COME?
HIS WIFE COULD GET IN BIG TROUBLE. SHE'S GOT A RECORD.
I THOUGHT SHE HAD THE C.D.'S
I THOUGHT HE HAD THE RECORD.
HE HAS NO RECORD. HIS WIFE DOES.
YOU SAID SHE TOOK THE HEAT.
SHE COULDN'T TAKE THE HEAT, WHICH IS WHY MY FRIEND TOOK THE RAP.
I THOUGHT SHE TOOK THE RAP!
HOW COULD SHE TAKE THE RAP WITHOUT A RECORD?!?
GUESS WHO DOESN'T CARE!!!
'GUESS WHO' WAS THE RECORD HE STOLE.

Hullooo zeeba neighba. Peese open door. We is from Federal Department O'Pills. We here give you vaccine pill.
THOSE ARE M & M'S. THEY EVEN HAVE THE LITTLE "M'S" ON THEM.
Oh, dat? Dat stand for...
Medeecine.
Moose.
Okay, like, how it be moose?
FIRST WORD COME TO MIND!

YOU DOING ANYTHING FOR THE WEEKEND?
I'M HAVING A SOCIALLY-DISTANCED GATHERING WITH MY SIBLINGS.
OH YEAH? HOW FAR DO YOU STAY APART?
TWO THOUSAND MILES.
A BIT FURTHER THAN REQUIRED.
WE'VE FOUND IT WORKS BEST.

HEY, NICK, I SEE YOU'RE READING A BOOK ON EUROPEAN ROYAL COURTS.
YEAH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF MEN THEY HIRED?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT - THE MAN WAS CASTRATED.
YOU, NICK?
CORRECT!
THAT'S MORE THAN I WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT NICK.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, WHAT DO YOU NEED?
WELL, SINCE WE'RE NOW IN A NEW ERA OF TOGETHERNESS, I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO FIND SOME THINGS WE HAVE IN COMMON.
WHITE-HOT HATRED OF EACH OTHER'S POLITICS?
BOB AND I HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN WE THOUGHT.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU WANT TO JOIN THE ZOOM PARTY I'M DOING WITH SOME FRIENDS TONIGHT?
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHERE YOU SOCIALIZE ONLINE. BUT IF YOU WANT BEER OR FOOD, YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE TO BRING IT YOURSELF.
SO YOU'VE ELIMINATED THE TWO BEST PARTS OF A PARTY AND KEPT THE ONE BAD ONE.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T PRIORITIZE FREE BEER.
WE CALL THEM WRONGHEADED.