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HEY, STEPH, YOUR VOLUME OF EMAILS TO PEARLSCOMIC@GMAIL.COM IS REALLY DOWN THIS WEEK.
INTERESTING.
HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU MY OPINION THAT CYCLISTS SHOULD MAYBE STOP AT STOP SIGNS LIKE THE REST OF US?
IT’S UP SIGNIFICANTLY.
TELL DRIVERS TO OBEY LAWS, YOU MORONIC @#!

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU? LOSS OF A RELATIVE? A LIFETIME IN JAIL? A DEBILITATING ILLNESS?
STEPPING WITH YOUR BARE FOOT ON A LEGO.
OKAY. THAT IS THE WORST.
NOW MAYBE WE CAN DEBATE SECOND WORST.

HOW COME PEOPLE WRITE R.I.P. AFTER SOMEONE THEY LOVE DIES?
IT STANDS FOR...
OH. JUST FIGURED IT OUT.
YOU DID?
IT'S THE SOUND THEIR HEARTS MAKE.
AS GOOD AN EXPLANATION AS ANY.
STUPID, VULNERABLE HEART.

HEY, GOOD MORNING, THERE, PAT, OH BUDDY OF MINE.
OH, NO, NEIGHBOR BOB.
WHAT?
YOU'VE TRIGGERED THE MUCH-TOO-EARLY-ON-A-MONDAY TO-BE-PERKY PUNCHER.
THWACK!!
FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, NO TALKING 'TIL TEN.

WHEN I USED TO COMMUTE ON THE SUBWAY, THERE WOULD ALWAYS BE THIS ANGRY GUY NEAR THE TICKET BOOTHS.
HE WOULD SHOUT HIS OPINION ON ALL SORTS OF TOPICS. ALWAYS MAD. ALWAYS YELLING.
AND MAYBE SOME OF IT MADE SENSE. OR HAS RIGHT. BUT THAT WASN'T THE POINT.
THE POINT WAS THAT I JUST WANTED TO BUY MY TICKET, GET ON THE SUBWAY, AND HAVE A PLEASANT DAY.
BUT THAT GUY KNEW FOR THAT SHORT MOMENT, I HAD NO CHOICE BUT LISTEN. SO I DID.
WHERE IS THAT GUY NOW?
IN MY POCKET. ON MY PHONE. EVERY TIME I LOOK AT SOCIAL MEDIA OR THE INTERNET AND LET SOMEONE MAKE MY DAY UNPLEASANT.
BUT NOW I HAVE A CHOICE.
FLING
YOU MIGHT STILL NEED A PHONE.
SAY HELLO TO AN OLD FRIEND.

PIG'S BUDDY, WILL, GOT THROWN INTO PRISON FOR A CRIME HE DIDN'T COMMIT.
OH, NO. WHAT'S PIG GONNA DO?
TRY TO DRUM UP PUBLIC SUPPORT. BUT I THINK HE'S JUST CONFUSING PEOPLE.
HOW SO?
FREE WILL
MUST BE A PHILOSOPHY MAJOR.
DEEP.

HEY, LOOK, WE GOT FORTUNE COOKIES.
MINE SAYS, "NEXT YEAR BRINGS YOU GREAT SUCCESS."
HOW NICE.
YEAH, BUT THEY'RE ALL TOO GENERAL AND BLAND LIKE THAT. I'D PREFER SOME SPECIFICITY. READ YOURS.
You will get run over by a 1989 Accord.
SPECIFICITY IS OVERRATED.

WHICH PIZZA DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD GET?
ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS? YOU GET THAT ONE. IT'S THE ONLY ONE THAT COMES WITH DRINKS.
SIR, THE MARGHERITA PIZZA IS NOT, IN FACT, TOPPED WITH MARGARITAS.
THAT'S VERY MISLEADING.

LOOK AT THE HOUSE OF THIS GAMBLER.
NICE.
AND CHECK OUT WHERE THIS BLACKJACK PLAYER LIVES. AND THIS POKER PLAYER'S FANCY BACKYARD.
DUDE, WHAT KIND OF MAGAZINE ONLY COVERS WHERE GAMBLERS LIVE?
BETTOR HOMES AND GARDENS.
YOU'VE CRAPPED OUT.

WELCOME SIR. OUR SPECIALS TONIGHT ARE GRUYERE TOULLES WITH DEEP CHEESE FLAVOR AND STEELHEAD TROUT ROE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO ORDER?
GIMME FOUR ALL-SEASON TIRES WITH A 30000 MILE WARRANTY.
MICHELIN STAR RESTAURANTS ARE NOT WHAT YOU'D THINK.

PIG CAN'T TAKE ALL THE DEPRESSING STORIES IN THE NEWS LATELY, SO HE BOUGHT SOME NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES.
I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY.
HE'S PRETTY SERIOUS ABOUT IT.
I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED THOSE TOES.

HEY, PIG. WHADDYA GOT THERE?
HEY, NEIGHBOR HOG. THEY'RE BOXES OF STENCIL NUMBERS.
WHAT FOR?
WE SELL THEM TO PEOPLE WHO WANT TO PAINT THEIR ADDRESSES.
WELL, SINCE I'M A FRIEND, WOULD YOU MIND IF I BORROWED THAT BOX OF FOURS JUST FOR THE NIGHT...SO I CAN LOOK THROUGH AND FIND ONE I LIKE?
LEMME ASK RAT.
MAY THE FOURS BE WITH HUGHH?
THAT'S REALLY EMBARRASSING.
SORRY FOR MAKING YOU LUKE BAD.

Dear life,
Every time I do something bad, I regret it afterwards. But it's too late then.
So please invent a type of regret I can feel beforehand.
Call it a 'preget.'
Hopefully I get royalties.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BUY YOU A CUP OF COFFEE SOME TIME.
SURE. I LOVE VANILLA LATTES. JUST LEAVE IT ON THE FRONT PORCH.
MY PICK-UP LINES ARE NOT AS SUCCESSFUL AS THEY COULD BE.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
PHRASES THAT ARE INCONGRUOUS.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
THEY DON'T SEEM TO GO TOGETHER, LIKE 'FRIENDLY FIRE' OR 'HUMANE EXECUTION.' KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
'URINAL CAKE.'
YOU’VE RUINED LUNCH.
ONLY CAKE I CAN RESIST.

HI, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING? I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE BREAKFAST TOGETHER.
OH, I WANTED TO, BUT I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP LAST NIGHT, SO I HAD TO LAY DOWN.
LIE.
OKAY. I ADMIT IT. I DIDN'T WANT TO GO BECAUSE IT SOUNDED BORING.
LIE, PIG. THE RIGHT WORD IS 'LIE,' NOT 'LAY.'
MAYBE WE COULD START THIS CONVERSATION OVER.

HEY, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST GOT TO THE END OF A STORY I'M WRITING. I'M HOPING TO GET IT PUBLISHED.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW MUCH TIME WILL YOU NEED FOR THE RE-WRITING?
MY WRITING'S PERFECT THE FIRST TIME.
I SEE.
REVISIONS ARE ONLY FOR SAD, LITTLE LOSERS.

TRAIN
FOR
MARATHON
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
THIS MOTIVATIONAL COACH TOLD ME IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO PUT YOUR GOALS ON POST-ITS AROUND THE HOUSE. IT HELPS TO REINFORCE THEM.
NAP
I CAN SEE THIS WORKING.

I WAS SO DEPRESSED THE OTHER DAY.
ME TOO.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WENT ONLINE AND SOUGHT OUT MEDITATION VIDEOS.
THEY TAUGHT ME BREATHING EXERCISES, RELAXATION TECHNIQUES...IT REALLY HELPED. HOW 'BOUT YOU? WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WENT ONLINE ALSO.
BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! IMPULSE BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! CAN'T AFFORD! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY!
SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE PRETTY SIMILAR.
ARE YOU BROKE NOW ALSO?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE SAYING, THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS?
OF COURSE. WHY?
BECAUSE WHY ARE THEY PAVING THE ROAD TO HELL WHEN WE CAN'T EVEN GET THE POTHOLE ON OUR STREET FIXED?
LET'S START OVER.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO HELL, WHO CARES HOW SMOOTH THE ROAD IS?

JOB QUESTIONNAIRE
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Same place as now.
Bathroom mirror.
YOU MAY NOT GET THE JOB.

ka tik ka tik
tap tap tap
NEGATIVITY
AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I TURNED OFF SOCIAL MEDIA.
HANG ON. I'M TWEETING HOW LAME THAT IS.

DO YOU THINK OUR NEIGHBORS KNOW WE USE THEIR WIFI NETWORKS?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
JUST THE NAMES OF THE NETWORKS.
CHOOSE A NETWORK: RATSTOPSTEALINGOURWIFI
RATISACHEAP@$$
$%#@!YOU RAT
COINCIDENCE.

WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY?
I NEED EVERY SINGLE THING IN MY LIFE TO BE GOING PERFECTLY.
I NEED ONE SLICE OF PIZZA LEFT IN THE BOX.
PIG MAY HAVE AN EASIER TIME.
TWO SLICES AND I WEEP WITH JOY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
WRITING DOWN MILESTONES I'VE ACHIEVED SO FAR THIS YEAR. I REACHED A BIG ONE LAST MONTH WHEN I FINISHED MY FIRST NOVEL.
THAT'S GREAT. I REACHED A BIG ONE LAST MONTH ALSO.
OH, YEAH? WHAT WAS IT?
I REMEMBERED WHERE I PARKED MY CAR AT THE MALL.
CONGRATS.
I DIDN'T EVEN USE THE PANIC BUTTON.