Pearls Before Swine | Search

DEAR GOAT,
RAT AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
THE VIRUS, THE VIOLENCE.
THE GREED, THE NEED.
THE HEAT, THE HATE.
SO WE'VE DECIDED TO MOVE
SOMEPLACE BETTER. SOMEPLACE WITHOUT ALL THAT. WE'LL LET
YOU KNOW WHERE WE FIND IT.
I WAS HOPING
FOR SOMEPLACE
WITH A BETTER
VIEW.
HOPE YOU
BROUGHT YOUR
OWN BEER.

The man spotted his suit jacket hanging from the cliff.
So he grabbed the jacket and put it on.
Leaving only the hanger.
THE END.
CLIFF HANGER ENDING.
YOUR CAREER NEEDS AN ENDING ENDING.

AS THERE IS NOW NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANY OF THE DAYS, I AM ELIMINATING THE WORDS "MONDAY," "TUESDAY," "WEDNESDAY," "THURSDAY," "FRIDAY," "SATURDAY," AND "SUNDAY."
INSTEAD, WE WILL NOW JUST CALL EVERY DAY "DAYDAY."
FOR EXAMPLE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING NEXT DAYDAY?"
"OH, THE THING I DID LAST DAYDAY."
I HATE DAYDAYS.

Becoming a Better Writer
Compelling fiction writing is often based on personal experience.
Today I stayed in my house. Later I went to bed.
THIS IS A BAD TIME FOR WRITERS.

WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR RACE AGAINST LARRY FOR VILLAGE IDIOT?
WE BOTH LOST.
HOW COULD YOU BOTH LOSE?
VOTE COUNT
Pig: 0
Larry: 0
Vodka good: 174,523
STUPID RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE.
I DIDN’T KNOW BOOZE WAS AN OPTION.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? PANDEMICS? NATURAL DISASTERS? VIOLENT CRIME? NUCLEAR WAR?
JUST ONE SENTENCE.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU GET THE GOVERNMENT YOU DESERVE.
GUESS WHO JUST FOUND OUT THERE'S AN ELECTION TODAY?
AN ELECTION FOR WHAT?
MAYBE I'LL LIVE ON AN ISLAND.

ADVICE FROM TWO GUYS WHO ARE JUST AS SCARED OF THESE TIMES AS YOU
RUN FOR THE HILLS!!
ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER.
HE'S NOT REALLY RUNNING.

OH GREAT BOX O' ANSWERS. OUR GOVERNMENT IS A MESS. NO ONE HAS A CLUE. WHAT IS THE ANSWER?
NO.
WELL... ARE YOU INVOLVED IN ANY GROUPS?
NO.
DO YOU GO TO ANY RALLIES?
NO.
DO YOU READ UP ON ISSUES?
NO.
DO YOU WRITE YOUR REPRESENTATIVE?
NO.
DO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF YOUR REPRESENTATIVE?
NO.
DO YOU EVEN VOTE?
NO.
STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP
IT HAD NO ANSWERS.

WHERE'S GUARD DUCK LATELY? I DON'T SEE HIM IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE ANYMORE.
OH, HE HAS A DIFFERENT ASSIGNMENT NOW.
MORE IMPORTANT THAN GUARDING YOUR HOUSE?
IT APPEARS THAT WAY.
NO RUSSIANS WILL MESS WITH MY DEMOCRACY.

HOW'S YOUR CAMPAIGN FOR VILLAGE IDIOT AGAINST LARRY THE CROC GOING
NOT GOOD BUT THEN WE HEARD FACEBOOK WILL RUN POLITICAL ADS EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT TRUE SO WE STARTED RUNNING ADS ABOUT HIM
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING
LARRY CAN READ
THAT'S DEFAMATORY
WE THINK IT WILL RUIN HIM

HOW'S YOUR RACE FOR VILLAGE IDIOT GOING?
NOT GOOD, ACCORDING TO THE POLLING.
What are your thoughts on the race for village idiot?
I think Pig is best: 4%
I think Larry is best: 4%
I think all of the
candidates in all the
races are village idiots: 92%
IT'S A FAIR POINT.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'M RUNNING FOR VILLAGE IDIOT AND I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
WELL... HOW STUPID ARE YOU?
I BOUGHT GLUTEN-FREE FOOD BECAUSE IT SOUNDED LIKE A GREAT DEAL ON GLUETNS.
YOU HAVE MY VOTE.
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.

PIG RUNS FOR VILLAGE IDIOT
WELL, MY CAMPAIGN FOR VILLAGE IDIOT JUST GOT A LOT TOUGHER.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I GOT A CHALLENGER.
WHO ELSE WANTS THE OFFICE?
YOU GOT THIS, DAD.
Larry fore Veelage Ediot

HEY, I GOT NOMINATED FOR A CITY OFFICE.
THAT'S GREAT, PIG.
YEAH, IT'S NOT ONE OF THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS ONES, BUT IT'S SOMETHING.
HEY, THE IMPORTANT PART IS YOU'RE GETTING INVOLVED. WHAT'S THE OFFICE?
VILLAGE IDIOT.
I NOMINATED HIM.
NEVER MIND.
I WAS SO PROUD I CALLED MY MOM.

TRICK OR TREAT!
HA. GOOD COSTUME.
TRICK OR TREAT!
OOH. SPOOKY.
TRICK OR TREAT!
VERY SCARY.
AAAHHHHH
WHO KNEW A YEAR COULD BE SO SCARY?
IT WAS SAD WHEN HE CRIED.

HEY RAT, HOW COME YOU'RE NOT AT THE CAFE TODAY?
THE WORLD'S FALLING APART, SO I'M TAKING OFF.
AND GOING WHERE?
TO LIVE IN A BIG FLUFFY CLOUD.
YOU KNOW A CLOUD IS NOT EXACTLY--
AAAHHH!!!
WHUMP!!
--SOLID.
DOES EVERYWHERE SUCK NOW?

Dear World,
You've done lots
to try and bring
me down this
year.
But I'm
still
standing.
IN
YOUR
FACE,
WORLD.
SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA
LET THE WORLD KNOW
WHO'S BOSS.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL...HAS THE PERIOD OF THE LAST SEVEN MONTHS JUST BEEN ONE REALLY LONG DAY?
YES. IT HAS.
GREAT. SO WE HAVEN'T AGED?
YOU'VE AGED FASTER.
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING A LETTER TO A GUY WHO MADE ME MAD. I'M TRYING TO LOGICALLY LAY OUT WHAT HE SAID AND WHY IT WAS WRONG.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
GRPRRR
IT'S A ROUGH DRAFT.

HEY, PIG, WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
WITH ALL THAT'S GOING ON, I REALLY NEED TO DO SOME SPIRITUAL HEALING.
THAT'S WISE. CHURCH? PRAYER? MEDITATION?
BUYING PIZZA.
HE'S A TRUE BELIEVER.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TODAY?
I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DAY'S TODAY?
MONDAY.
OHH. MONDAY. YEAH. MONDAY I SIT AROUND THE HOUSE FOR SIXTEEN HOURS. THEN GO TO SLEEP.
AS I DO TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.
I THINK WE CAN ALL STOP ASKING THAT QUESTION.

THE LIFE
O' PIG
TRIP
CRACK
HARD
NOT TO
ADMIRE.
JUST A LITTLE TAPE HERE,
AND A LITTLE TAPE THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
SPENDING SOME TIME WITH OUR COMIC-STRIP EDITOR, REED JACKSON. CHECK OUT THIS PIECE OF GRAFFITI, REED.
GRAFFITO. IT'S ONE ITEM AND GRAFFITI IS THE PLURAL.
THERE'S A REASON WE KEEP EDITORS IN DARK, LITTLE ROOMS.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THIS QUARANTINE WEEKEND?
PROBABLY SOME D & D.
OH, COOL. DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS?
DRINK AND DRINK.
NEVER MIND.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE SOME KINKY WEEKENDS.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, TELL US ALL... WHEN WILL THINGS GET BETTER?
WHEN YOU DECIDE THEY GET BETTER.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
THAT YOU CAN'T CONTROL EVENTS, BUT YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR REACTION TO THOSE EVENTS.
I WAS HOPING HE'D JUST SAY TUESDAY.