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PIG'S BUDDY, WILL, GOT THROWN INTO PRISON FOR A CRIME HE DIDN'T COMMIT.
OH, NO. WHAT'S PIG GONNA DO?
TRY TO DRUM UP PUBLIC SUPPORT. BUT I THINK HE'S JUST CONFUSING PEOPLE.
HOW SO?
FREE WILL
MUST BE A PHILOSOPHY MAJOR.
DEEP.

HEY, LOOK, WE GOT FORTUNE COOKIES.
MINE SAYS, "NEXT YEAR BRINGS YOU GREAT SUCCESS."
HOW NICE.
YEAH, BUT THEY'RE ALL TOO GENERAL AND BLAND LIKE THAT. I'D PREFER SOME SPECIFICITY. READ YOURS.
You will get run over by a 1989 Accord.
SPECIFICITY IS OVERRATED.

WHICH PIZZA DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD GET?
ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS? YOU GET THAT ONE. IT'S THE ONLY ONE THAT COMES WITH DRINKS.
SIR, THE MARGHERITA PIZZA IS NOT, IN FACT, TOPPED WITH MARGARITAS.
THAT'S VERY MISLEADING.

LOOK AT THE HOUSE OF THIS GAMBLER.
NICE.
AND CHECK OUT WHERE THIS BLACKJACK PLAYER LIVES. AND THIS POKER PLAYER'S FANCY BACKYARD.
DUDE, WHAT KIND OF MAGAZINE ONLY COVERS WHERE GAMBLERS LIVE?
BETTOR HOMES AND GARDENS.
YOU'VE CRAPPED OUT.

WELCOME SIR. OUR SPECIALS TONIGHT ARE GRUYERE TOULLES WITH DEEP CHEESE FLAVOR AND STEELHEAD TROUT ROE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO ORDER?
GIMME FOUR ALL-SEASON TIRES WITH A 30000 MILE WARRANTY.
MICHELIN STAR RESTAURANTS ARE NOT WHAT YOU'D THINK.

PIG CAN'T TAKE ALL THE DEPRESSING STORIES IN THE NEWS LATELY, SO HE BOUGHT SOME NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES.
I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY.
HE'S PRETTY SERIOUS ABOUT IT.
I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED THOSE TOES.

HEY, PIG. WHADDYA GOT THERE?
HEY, NEIGHBOR HOG. THEY'RE BOXES OF STENCIL NUMBERS.
WHAT FOR?
WE SELL THEM TO PEOPLE WHO WANT TO PAINT THEIR ADDRESSES.
WELL, SINCE I'M A FRIEND, WOULD YOU MIND IF I BORROWED THAT BOX OF FOURS JUST FOR THE NIGHT...SO I CAN LOOK THROUGH AND FIND ONE I LIKE?
LEMME ASK RAT.
MAY THE FOURS BE WITH HUGHH?
THAT'S REALLY EMBARRASSING.
SORRY FOR MAKING YOU LUKE BAD.

Dear life,
Every time I do something bad, I regret it afterwards. But it's too late then.
So please invent a type of regret I can feel beforehand.
Call it a 'preget.'
Hopefully I get royalties.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BUY YOU A CUP OF COFFEE SOME TIME.
SURE. I LOVE VANILLA LATTES. JUST LEAVE IT ON THE FRONT PORCH.
MY PICK-UP LINES ARE NOT AS SUCCESSFUL AS THEY COULD BE.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
PHRASES THAT ARE INCONGRUOUS.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
THEY DON'T SEEM TO GO TOGETHER, LIKE 'FRIENDLY FIRE' OR 'HUMANE EXECUTION.' KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
'URINAL CAKE.'
YOU’VE RUINED LUNCH.
ONLY CAKE I CAN RESIST.

HI, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING? I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE BREAKFAST TOGETHER.
OH, I WANTED TO, BUT I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP LAST NIGHT, SO I HAD TO LAY DOWN.
LIE.
OKAY. I ADMIT IT. I DIDN'T WANT TO GO BECAUSE IT SOUNDED BORING.
LIE, PIG. THE RIGHT WORD IS 'LIE,' NOT 'LAY.'
MAYBE WE COULD START THIS CONVERSATION OVER.

HEY, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST GOT TO THE END OF A STORY I'M WRITING. I'M HOPING TO GET IT PUBLISHED.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW MUCH TIME WILL YOU NEED FOR THE RE-WRITING?
MY WRITING'S PERFECT THE FIRST TIME.
I SEE.
REVISIONS ARE ONLY FOR SAD, LITTLE LOSERS.

TRAIN
FOR
MARATHON
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
THIS MOTIVATIONAL COACH TOLD ME IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO PUT YOUR GOALS ON POST-ITS AROUND THE HOUSE. IT HELPS TO REINFORCE THEM.
NAP
I CAN SEE THIS WORKING.

I WAS SO DEPRESSED THE OTHER DAY.
ME TOO.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WENT ONLINE AND SOUGHT OUT MEDITATION VIDEOS.
THEY TAUGHT ME BREATHING EXERCISES, RELAXATION TECHNIQUES...IT REALLY HELPED. HOW 'BOUT YOU? WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WENT ONLINE ALSO.
BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! IMPULSE BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! CAN'T AFFORD! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY!
SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE PRETTY SIMILAR.
ARE YOU BROKE NOW ALSO?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE SAYING, THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS?
OF COURSE. WHY?
BECAUSE WHY ARE THEY PAVING THE ROAD TO HELL WHEN WE CAN'T EVEN GET THE POTHOLE ON OUR STREET FIXED?
LET'S START OVER.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO HELL, WHO CARES HOW SMOOTH THE ROAD IS?

JOB QUESTIONNAIRE
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Same place as now.
Bathroom mirror.
YOU MAY NOT GET THE JOB.

ka tik ka tik
tap tap tap
NEGATIVITY
AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I TURNED OFF SOCIAL MEDIA.
HANG ON. I'M TWEETING HOW LAME THAT IS.

DO YOU THINK OUR NEIGHBORS KNOW WE USE THEIR WIFI NETWORKS?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
JUST THE NAMES OF THE NETWORKS.
CHOOSE A NETWORK: RATSTOPSTEALINGOURWIFI
RATISACHEAP@$$
$%#@!YOU RAT
COINCIDENCE.

WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY?
I NEED EVERY SINGLE THING IN MY LIFE TO BE GOING PERFECTLY.
I NEED ONE SLICE OF PIZZA LEFT IN THE BOX.
PIG MAY HAVE AN EASIER TIME.
TWO SLICES AND I WEEP WITH JOY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
WRITING DOWN MILESTONES I'VE ACHIEVED SO FAR THIS YEAR. I REACHED A BIG ONE LAST MONTH WHEN I FINISHED MY FIRST NOVEL.
THAT'S GREAT. I REACHED A BIG ONE LAST MONTH ALSO.
OH, YEAH? WHAT WAS IT?
I REMEMBERED WHERE I PARKED MY CAR AT THE MALL.
CONGRATS.
I DIDN'T EVEN USE THE PANIC BUTTON.

DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING A DIET OF RED MEAT SHORTENS LIFE SPAN.
KA-THUNK
DING
NEW STUDY REVEALS EATING A DIET OF RED MEAT LENGTHENS LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING ANY KIND OF MEAT CAN SHORTEN LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS DRINKING RED WINE EACH EVENING LENGTHENS LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS DRINKING RED WINE EACH EVENING SHORTENS LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING YOGURT CASUES HEADACHES.
DING
NEW STUDY PROVES EATING YOGURT CURBS HEADACHES.
DING
EARPLUGS PROLONG LIFE.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING FATTY FOODS LENGTHENS LIFE SPAN.
MY HEAD HURTS.
DING DING DING DING DING
NEW STUDY REVEALS STRESS FROM TRYING TO FOLLOW EVERY NEW STUDY SHORTENS LIFE SPAN.
ACK
AND THAT'S WHAT KILLS US ALL.
WHAT'S IT SAY ABOUT MY FRIED STICK OF BUTTER?

I'M STARTING TO THINK BUDDHISM MAKES A LOT OF SENSE. FOR EXAMPLE, IT TEACHES THAT DESIRE IS THE ROOT OF SUFFERING. SO TO ELIMINATE SUFFERING, YOU FIRST HAVE TO ELIMINATE DESIRE.
THAT DOES MAKE SENSE.
YEAH. AND HERE I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE JUST DESIRING MONEY.
RIGHT. SO WHAT'S THE ANSWER?
SOMEONE WRITING ME A CHECK FOR TEN MILLION DOLLARS.
NO.
OH. NOW YOU'RE SMARTER THAN BUDDHA?

I THINK MY BIGGEST GOAL IN LIFE IS TO HAVE A CAREER THAT IS TRULY FULFILLING AND LEAVES A LASTING GLOBAL IMPACT. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP 22 HOURS A DAY AND EAT PIZZA THE OTHER TWO.
HOW NOBLE.
DREAM BIG OR GO HOME.

RAT THE THERAPIST
AND THAT'S MY WHOLE STORY. SORRY FOR GOING ON SO LONG.
IT'S OKAY. JUST TAKING NOTES.
CAN I ASK WHAT PARTS YOU NOTED?
WELL, I DON'T GENERALLY SHARE MY NOTES WITH PATIENTS, BUT SURE.
1) He can't be helped.
2) I just made $200.
NEVER SHARE YOUR NOTES WITH PATIENTS.

I HEAR RAT GOT A JOB AS A THERAPIST.
YEAH. HE JUST STARTED.
IT’S SORTA HARD TO BELIEVE HE COULD BE ANY GOOD AT IT.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
MIND IF I JUST LAUGH AT YOU FOR A MINUTE?