Pearls Before Swine | Search

Rat's Tip O' The Day
When people are rude to you, be above it all.
Why?
Because from up there, you can drop things on their heads.
SO THAT'S WHAT THAT EXPRESSION MEANS.
IT'S WHY IT'S SO HELPFUL.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Someone else.
I THINK THEY MEAN LIKE DOCTOR OR LAWYER.
I THINK BIG.

HEY, RAT, OUR NEIGHBOR FROM ACROSS THE STREET IS AT THE DOOR. WANTS TO KNOW IF WE'LL SIGN A PETITION FOR SOME GOVERNMENT THING.
NO WAY. THE GUY'S A LOON.
SORRY.

IT'S SO HARD TO HIRE SOMEONE BASED SOLELY ON THEIR RÉSUMÉ.
AS A RULE, NEVER HIRE A BOB, BILL, DON, CHUCK, MARK, ROB, NICK, GRANT, PAT, RALPH, SKIP, SUE.
WHY NOT?
THEY COULD SNEAK OFF AND MOONLIGHT AS VERBS.
MIND IF I RAT YOU OUT?
I AM AN EXCEPTION.

HEY, LOOK. IT'S THE GREEK GOD PAN.
IT IS I! AND DO I HAVE A GREAT JOKE FOR—
WHAT A DEAD PAN DELIVERY.
EVEN THE GODS MUST HATE YOU.

ZZZZZZ
SIR?
EVER WAKE UP FEELING SKETCHY?
DUDE, DON'T SIT SO CLOSE.

YES! AFTER TWO MONTHS OF HOLING
MYSELF UP IN MY OFFICE WITH ALL
T.V.s AND COMPUTERS AND PHONES
TURNED OFF, I HAVE FINISHED
THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL!
TIME TO SEE WHAT'S
BEEN HAPPENING
WITH EVERYONE !
WHAT THE? THIS PLACE IS NEVER
CLOSED. I BETTER GO ASK RAT
WHAT'S HAPPENING.
DON'T TOUCH THE DOORBELL,
NEIGHBOR BOB! DON'T TOUCH
THE DOORBELL!
WHAT IS--
HE'S WITHIN SIX FEET!
WITHIN SIX FEET!

AHHHHHHH
BACK! BACK!
SOMETHING HAS
CHANGED.
YOU'RE GONNA
NEED THIS.

I'M DEVELOPING A NEW SOCIAL MEDIA APP.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE PEOPLE JUST USE THE ONES WE HAVE NOW TO POST PHOTOS OF THE BEST MOMENTS IN THEIR LIVES. WE NEED AN APP FOR ALL THE OTHER MOMENTS.
WHAT ARE YOU CALLING IT?
INSTAGRIM.
HERE'S ME IN MY CUBICLE ON MONDAY MORNING.
WHOA. DO NOT BE PERKY AROUND THAT GUY.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?

THIS BOOK ON ISAAC NEWTON. IT'S AMAZING HOW MANY LAWS OF THE PHYSICAL UNIVERSE HE DISCOVERED.

I DISCOVERED ONE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IF YOU ARE IN A HURRY, THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU IN LINE WILL HAVE AN ORDER FIVE TIMES AS COMPLEX AS YOURS.

NOT QUITE NEWTONIAN.

AND WILL FUMBLE THROUGH THEIR WALLET FOR EXACT CHANGE.

HAHA... THIS REPUBLICAN TORCHED THIS GUY GOOD. BUT THIS DEMOCRAT FLAMED HIM RIGHT BACK.
THAT'S GREAT.
BECAUSE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS NOT MOVING OUR COUNTRY FORWARD, BUT DESTROYING EACH OTHER PERSONALLY.
WE FINALLY AGREE.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE CRYING IN A DARK ROOM.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
A BOOK I'M CALLING 'FULL OF HIMSELF.'
ABOUT A GUY WHO'S REALLY ARROGANT?
A HIKER WHO SURVIVES BY EATING HIS OWN LEG.
WHY DO I ASK QUESTIONS?
WHY DOES THAT MAKE HIM ARROGANT?

WISE ASS
ON THE
HILL
OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, WHAT'S
THE KEY TO PERSONAL HAPPINESS?
TO FOCUS ON THE
HAPPINESS OF OTHERS.
HE'S SPOUTING
GIBBERISH.

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR NEWS, GOAT?
I SUBSCRIBE TO THREE DIFFERENT NEWSPAPERS.
HAHA... I DON'T NEED ANY OF THAT. I JUST RELY ON MY FACEBOOK FEED FOR NEWS.
OH, YEAH? WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?
THAT YOUR TEDDY BEAR CAN KILL YOU, AND THE UKRAINIANS ARE SPYING ON US THROUGH OUR REFRIGERATORS.
I GUESS WE ARE BOTH INFORMED.
ALSO, EVERYONE'S GRANDFATHER HAS DIED.

IMPORTANT DOCS
IMPORTANT DOCS
AHA.
THINGS I WANT
2019
- New car
- Bigger house
- 60" T.V.
- Great vacation
- New kitchen
- Early retirement
SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE
WRITE WRITE WRITE
THINGS I WANT
2020
MY HEALTH

The first step in
overcoming your
personal
difficulties in life
is admitting you
have a problem.
I have
a
problem.
There
are too
many
stupid
people.
SELF-IMPROVEMENT IS EASIER THAN I THOUGHT.

I KEEP MAKING TO-DO LISTS FOR THE WEEK, BUT THEN I JUST PROCRASTINATE AND GET NONE OF THE THINGS DONE.
I USED TO DO THAT TOO. BUT NOW I'M MUCH MORE EFFICIENT.
WHAT'S THE KEY?
To-do list
PROCRASTINATE
I'M NOT SURE THAT HELPS.
IT DOES. I GET EVERYTHING DONE.

PIG, THIS IS A WISCONSIN DAIRY FARMER. I BROUGHT HIM HERE TO TEACH YOU HOW CHEESE IS REALLY MADE. THEN YOU CAN ASK HIM QUESTIONS.
WHEN THE ANGELS DROP IT FROM THE HEAVENS, DO YOU CATCH IT WITH YOUR BARE HANDS OR A NET?
THIS COULD TAKE AWHILE.
ALSO, DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A MESSENGER OF GOD?

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
THIS DOCUMENTARY ON HOW CHEESE IS MADE.
WHAT’S THERE TO KNOW? ANGELS DROP IT FROM THE HEAVENS INTO THE FIELDS OF WISCONSIN.
HE’S A TRUE BELIEVER.

WHO DO
YOU WANT
APPROVAL
FROM?
I GUESS
WHOEVER'S
IN CHARGE OF
APPROVAL.
THERE ISN'T ANYONE.
Just wasted
a whole lot
of years.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OLD?
WHEN YOU'RE AT AN AGE WHERE IF YOU DIE, NO ONE SAYS, 'OH MY GOD, HOW?'
I HATE IT WHEN YOU MAKE SENSE.
SHOCKING PEOPLE IS VERY IMPORTANT.

THE TIMES
MORE BAD NEWS
AND IN A BLEAK ASSESSMENT TODAY, THE...
GRIM NUMBERS TODAY FROM...
THE AGENCY IS REPORTING THAT...
TOUGH MILESTONE REACHED AS...
HOW DOES THIS THING WORK AGAIN?
I DON'T KNOW!
IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
STAPLERS. HUNDREDS OF THEM.
WHAT FOR?
'CAUSE IF THERE'S EVER ANOTHER EPIDEMIC, I'M GONNA BE READY.
FOR WHAT?
TO AFFIX AS MANY LOOSE PAPERS AS I WANT TO ONE ANOTHER!
MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS TOILET PAPER.

HEY, PIG, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG.
YEAH, MAN. I'M REALLY DOWN. LIKE, TOTALLY BUMMED.
SO HE NEEDS IT. HE DOESN'T GIVE IT.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
HELLO, BOOZE.

MY DAILY
MOTIVATION
Wealth!
Wealth!
Wealth!
MY DAILY
MOTIVATION
Wealth!
Wealth!
Wealth!
MY DAILY
MOTIVATION
Wealth!
Wealth!
Wealth!
MY DAILY
MOTIVATION
Health!
Health!
Health!

TIRED OF NOT GOING OUT? WELL, KISS THAT FEAR GOODBYE.
INTRODUCING THE BUBBLE ZOOO! GERM-PROOF! LEAK-PROOF! AND MOBILE AS ALL GET-OUT.
AND BEST OF ALL, FOR THOSE DAYS YOU'RE NOT FEELING PARTICULARLY SOCIAL...
NIGHT MODE!
I THOUGHT I SAW RAT.
I DON'T SEE ANYONE.