Pearls Before Swine | Search

IS IT STILL 2020?
YEP. AND I HEARD A RUMOR IT MAY NEVER END.
WHAT?
THAT MAY HAVE BEEN CRUEL.

MENTAL HEALTH QUIZ
Please answer the following questions about how you currently feel:
Stressed? ___
Lonely? ___
Disgusted? ___
Sad? ___
Scared? ___
Annoyed? ___
Anxious? ___
Tired? ___
Depressed? ___
Irritable? ___
Frustrated? ___
Mad? ___
YES
IT'S NICE WHEN ONE ANSWER FITS ALL.
YOU TORE THROUGH THE PAPER.

DO YOU LIKE ANY POETRY?
YEAH. ROBERT FROST. I EVEN HAVE ONE OF HIS POEMS MEMORIZED.
WHICH ONE?
"TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A WOOD, AND I - I TOOK THE ONE LEAST LIKELY TO INVOLVE WORK."
NOT SURE YOU'VE MEMORIZED IT CORRECTLY.
I THINK IT'S CALLED "ODE TO A LAZY GUY."

HEY, LARRY. I NEED YOU TO RAKE THE LEAVES.
Sorry, woomun. 'Cause of virus, me is working from home today.
YOU'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH, DRINKING BEER. YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB. AND NO ONE IS PAYING YOU.
You mom very dismissive.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE HERE, PIG?
IT'S CALLED A "GRATITUDE VASE." THAT ONE WAS FROM 2019.
HOW DO THEY WORK?
YOU PLANT A FLOWER SEED FOR EVERYTHING GREAT THAT HAPPENS TO YOU DURING THE YEAR.
2020 HAS BEEN A BIT OF A CHALLENGE.

WELL, I'M OFF TO GET INOCULATED.
FROM THE CORONAVIRUS?
FROM THE EFFECTS OF STUPID PEOPLE.
AH. EVERYONE IS NOW TOLERABLE.
PASS ME A LARGE ONE.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, WHAT GREAT MYSTERY DO YOU PONDER TODAY? THE MEANING OF LIFE? THE PURPOSE OF EXISTENCE?
NO. IT IS THIS.
WHY IS THE WORD "ABBREVIATION" SO LONG?
HE'LL BE THERE AWHILE.

I THINK THIS LAST YEAR HAS CAUSED ME TO REALLY LOSE CONFIDENCE.
NOT ME.
I'M MORE CONFIDENT.
YOU ARE?
I'M MORE CONFIDENT THINGS WILL GO WRONG FOR ME.
THAT'S DIFFERENT.
THIS WHOLE THING HAS BEEN A REAL CONFIDENCE BOOSTER.

AND TO ALL OF YOU IN MY FAMILY...
HAPPY THANKSGIVING... DESPITE THE
UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCES.
HEY, PIG?
YES, UNCLE FRED?
YOU KNOW WHO WE HAVE TO BLAME FOR
ALL THIS MASK WEARING AND BEING
STUCK AT HOME? YOU DON'T. IT'S THAT
@#%$#% POLITICIAN
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!
GOODBYE!
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
THIS COULD CHANGE THE WAY WE DO
THANKSGIVINGS FOREVER.

HI. I'D LIKE A ROOM.
SINGLE?
I AM. AND WOW, YOU ARE THE FIRST WOMAN TO HIT ON ME IN YEARS.
SHE MEANT SINGLE ROOM OR DOUBLE ROOM.
DON'T CROWD ME. WE'RE HAVING A MOMENT.

COVID JOURNAL
DAY 211: Today was incredibly exciting.
REALLY?
NO. I JUST NEEDED TO VARY THINGS.
DAY 204: Sat here.
DAY 205: Sat here.
DAY 206: Sat here.
DAY 207: Sat here.
DAY 208: Sat here.
DAY 209: Sat here.
DAY 210: Sat here.
MAYBE JOURNALING WAS A BAD IDEA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
THE GOVERNMENT SAID THEY DON'T WANT US DRINKING ANY MORE BEER, SO TO STAND UP FOR OUR RIGHTS, I BOUGHT A KEG.
BUT THE GOVERNMENT DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I KNOW, BUT I LIKE TO COUCH MY BAD HABITS AS PATRIOTISM.
THAT MUST BE A NICE WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE.
WHAT? THEY'RE BANNING CANNOLIS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE, PIG?
I CAN FLY NOW!
IT ALLOWS ME TO GO TO ALL THE SAME PLACES I USED TO GO AND STILL SEE EVERYONE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE!
REALLY?
NOPE.

HOW'S EVERY- THING BEEN GOING WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS?
WELL, THE GUY NEXT DOOR TO US HAS BEEN MAKING A HUGE RACKET EVERY NIGHT.
WHAT A JERK.
WHY'S THAT MAKE ME A JERK?
THEY CALL THESE DAD JOKES NOW.
YES, I'M THE FATHER OF WIT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, PIG?
GETTING READY TO FACE THE DAY.
IT TAKES A LOT MORE NOW.

BOB COULD NOT TAKE ONE MORE ZOOM CALL.
THE BORING REPORTS.
OUR THIRD QUARTER INCREASE WAS...
THE SHOWY SPEECHES.
AFTER WORKING THE ENTIRE WEEKEND, I...
THE POINTLESS DISCUSSIONS.
HELVETICA FONT COULD BE BETTER HERE.
SO, LOOKING AT THE SCREEN, BOB SNAPPED.
HERE'S THE STORY OF A LOVELY LADY! (4)
THINK ANYONE UNDER THIRTY WILL GET THE REFERENCE?
I DON'T CARE. I MISS MARCIA.
MARCIA! MARCIA! MARCIA!

THIS FORM IS ASK- ING ABOUT MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION, BUT I'M NOT SURE.
YOU'RE NOT SURE OF YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION?
WELL, I GUESS I FACE EAST.
YEAH. PUT DOWN EAST.
SOMETIMES SOUTH BY SOUTHEAST.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I'M NOT.
THEN WHY ARE YOU SMILING?
I'M FOOLING MYSELF.
THAT MAKES LIFE SO MUCH EASIER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK TAKES THE MOST COURAGE... SKYDIVING, BUNGEE JUMPING OR HANG GLIDING?
I THINK THAT RIGHT NOW JUST FACING THE DAY TAKES COURAGE.
I HATE IT WHEN HE MAKES SENSE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?

Me see on social media news feed that virus come from guy's nipples.

IT SPREADS FROM THE AIR YOU EXHALE.

OH.

Me not know me exhale from nipples.
GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA, LARRY.

You know air come from nipples?

CAREFUL YOU NO SUFFOCATE.

DID YOU SEE THIS STORY SOMEONE POSTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA THAT THE VIRUS CAN EMANATE FROM A GUY'S NIPPLES?
WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T GET YOUR NEWS FROM SOCIAL MEDIA.
OH, PLEASE...WHO DO YOU STILL KNOW THAT BELIEVES ALL THE NEWS ON THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA NEWS FEED?
WHOA, GUYS. WHERE ARE YOUR NIPPLE GUARDS?
THIS IS A VERY DEPRESSING AGE.

WELL, GOOD MORNING, SUN! WILL TODAY BE A GREAT DAY?
LEMME PEEK ABOVE THE HORIZON A LITTLE AND--
OH, BOY.
THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A GOOD SIGN.

DEAR GOAT,
RAT AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
THE VIRUS, THE VIOLENCE.
THE GREED, THE NEED.
THE HEAT, THE HATE.
SO WE'VE DECIDED TO MOVE
SOMEPLACE BETTER. SOMEPLACE WITHOUT ALL THAT. WE'LL LET
YOU KNOW WHERE WE FIND IT.
I WAS HOPING
FOR SOMEPLACE
WITH A BETTER
VIEW.
HOPE YOU
BROUGHT YOUR
OWN BEER.

The man spotted his suit jacket hanging from the cliff.
So he grabbed the jacket and put it on.
Leaving only the hanger.
THE END.
CLIFF HANGER ENDING.
YOUR CAREER NEEDS AN ENDING ENDING.

AS THERE IS NOW NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANY OF THE DAYS, I AM ELIMINATING THE WORDS "MONDAY," "TUESDAY," "WEDNESDAY," "THURSDAY," "FRIDAY," "SATURDAY," AND "SUNDAY."
INSTEAD, WE WILL NOW JUST CALL EVERY DAY "DAYDAY."
FOR EXAMPLE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING NEXT DAYDAY?"
"OH, THE THING I DID LAST DAYDAY."
I HATE DAYDAYS.