Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hey,
Bob.
Welcome,
Joe.
Your place to stand
is the designated circle you're in now.
Okay,
Any food?
Of course not. No
way to handle
it safely.
Oh,
right.
There is canned beer
if your germ-proof pod
comes with the sterilized
arm attachment.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Is that a crack in your sterilized arm?
IT IS! CLOROX SPRINKLERS ON!!!
FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I CALL IT
'SOCIAL
GATHERINGS
IN 2021'
MOVE TWO INCHES TO THE LEFT, PLEASE.

DO YOU FEEL BAD FOR BEING SO DIFFICULT?
NO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I'M LIKE ACUPUNCTURE.
I'M A PAIN THAT DISTRACTS YOU FROM OTHER PAINS.
STILL BAD.
SOME CALL THAT HEALING.

HEY, I WAS TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR MAYOR, BUT THERE WERE NO NEWSPAPERS IN THE NEWS-PAPER RACK.
YEAH. THERE'S NO MORE PAPER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE SUBSCRIBED. WITHOUT SUBSCRIBERS, THEY HAD NO MONEY TO PUT OUT A NEWSPAPER.
AND HERE I THOUGHT IT CAME FROM MAGIC ELVES.
THEY JUST DO TOYS.

HEY, PIG, HOW COME YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD?
OH... I COME FROM A BROKEN HOME.
WHAT HAPPENED?
THE PLUMBING NEVER WORKED.
NOT REALLY A BROKEN HOME.
YOU COULD NOT FLUSH THE TOILET.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
KEEPING AN EYE ON LIFE. WE'RE CERTAIN IT HAS SOME TERRIBLE SURPRISE IN STORE FOR US. SO WE'RE HIDING AND STAYING ALERT.
WHAT AN AWFUL WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE. I PREFER TO ENJOY EACH AND EVERY DAY.
HE'S LOST IT.

WHAZAM
KABLOOEY
TAXES WILL NOT MAGICALLY DO THEMSELVES.

I'm going places!
AWW... THAT'S A GREAT ATTITUDE, PIG. ESPECIALLY THESE DAYS.
First, the poorhouse.
NEVER MIND.
Then, debtor's prison.

I'M SO BORED OF THIS WHOLE COVID THING STEPH
WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING FUN, PIG. YOUR SPEECH BALLOON IS AN ACTUAL BALLOON. JUST GRAB THE TAIL.
IT IS FUN! I CAN SEE THE WHOLE COMICS PAGE FROM HERE!
YEAH. JUST MAKE SURE YOU DON'T STOP TALKING OR YOU'LL HAVE NO--
BALLOON.
*Mommy, God dropped a pig on Dolly*

I JUST WROTE A LETTER TO THE NEWSPAPER AND SIGNED IT 'ANDROGYNOUS.'
SO YOU DON'T IDENTIFY WHOLLY WITH ONE GENDER OR ANOTHER?
HE MIXES IT UP WITH 'ANONYMOUS.'
OH.
ALSO, I DIDN'T SIGN MY REAL NAME.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
I'VE CREATED MY OWN BRAND OF VODKA.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
RESPONSIBLY.
WHY'D YOU CALL IT THAT?
SO WHEN OTHER BRANDS ADVERTISE, THEY HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE TO 'DRINK RESPONSIBLY.'
THAT'S SORT OF BRILLIANT.
SAVES A FORTUNE ON MARKETING.

WHAT DO YOU ASPIRE TO BE?
ALIVE NEXT WEEK.
MY GOALS HAVE BECOME MORE FLEXIBLE.

CAN YOU SAY MY NAME FIVE TIMES FAST OUT LOUD?
WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
I DON'T. I JUST LIKE KNOWING THAT I CAUSED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE TO TRY.
YOU'RE ABUSING YOUR COMIC STRIP POWERS.
IMAGINE HOW THE PEOPLE ON SUBWAYS LOOKED.

DO YOU HAVE A SAYING THAT YOU TURN TO FOR INSPIRATION ?
YEAH..."A JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES BEGINS WITH A SINGLE STEP."
SO DOES FALLING OFF A CLIFF.
THAT'S LESS INSPIRATIONAL.
I GIVE UP.
BEST TO NEVER LEAVE HOME.

GOAL FOR THE WEEK
Be right more
then wrong.
'THAN', NOT 'THEN.'
Will be
long
week.

THE FEW GOOD THINGS IN THE BADNESS THAT IS NOW
FEWER SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
YAY FOR INTROVERTS!
NO MORE NEED TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR NOT GOING TO THOSE SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
GEE, I’D LOVE TO, BUT I’M MAKING ORANGE JUICE SO I CAN’T
-THE STAY-AT-HOME ORDER!
THE STAY-AT-HOME ORDER!
COLLEGE-AGE KIDS BACK HOME.
WANNA PLAY?
NOPE.
NO MORE CARING HOW I LOOK.
ME SASQUATCH!
SITTING AROUND ALL DAY DRINKING BEER NOW PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE.
THIS IS LIVING.
WELL ALMOST.
YOU GONNA DO THIS ALL DAY?
SWEETIE, PLEASE. IT’S THINKY TIME.
CARTOONIST AT WORK.

HEY, RAT. WANT TO TAKE A BREAK
FROM ALL THAT'S GOING ON AND
HEAR SOME POETRY FROM YEATS?
NO. POETRY IS STUPID.
IT NEVER MAKES SENSE
AND IT NEVER RELATES
TO THE PRESENT-DAY
WORLD.
TURNING AND TURNING IN THE WIDENING
GYRE, THE FALCON CANNOT HEAR THE
FALCONER;
THINGS FALL APART; THE CENTRE
CANNOT HOLD;
MERE ANARCHY IS LOOSED UPON THE WORLD.
DID HE
WRITE
THAT
YESTERDAY?
BORROW
IT. I
WON'T
TELL.

Dear WORLD Falling Apart...
If I could hold you together with tape and glue, I would.
But all I have to offer is this...
Love.
LOVE LOVE LOVE
LOVE LOVE LOVE
LOVE love love love
Love love love
LOVE
You may need extra.

HEY, GOAT. JUST WOKE UP FROM THE WORST DREAM.
WHAT WAS IT?
WELL, WE WERE IN THIS POST-APOCALYPTIC TIME OF PLAGUE AND MASS UNEMPLOYMENT WHEN A BARBARIC ACT LIT THE NATION ON FIRE.
NO DREAM.
REAL.
IS THERE STILL CORN, OR HAVE THE LOCUSTS EATEN IT?

WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO OUR CONTINUING EDUCATION CLASS. AS YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR ATTENDING THESE CLASSES VIA ZOOM JUST AS YOU WOULD OUR REGULAR CLASS. UNDERSTAND?
YES.
YES.
YES.
HI! ME LARRY!
And it look realistic?
Oh. So realistic.

HEY, RAT, DID YOU BRING US A PIE?
YES. THIS PIE REPRESENTS MY PLANS FOR THE FUTURE.
OH, LOOK, HERE COMES 2020.
SPLLOSH
THIS VASE REPRESENTS MY HOPES AND DREAMS.
WE SHOULD GO.
ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING PRANCING AROUND LIKE THAT? DON'T YOU LISTEN TO THE NEWS?
IT'S CALLED 'STUPID OPTIMISM.' IT'S WHEN YOU'RE OPTIMISTIC FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL!
IS THAT ALLOWED?

MOM, I’VE COME OVER HERE TODAY TO ASK YOU WHY YOU DID NOT PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
WELL, WHEN I HAD YOU, I WAS SO YOUNG.
AND I WANTED TO DO SO MANY THINGS WITH MY LIFE AND I COULDN’T DO SOME OF THOSE THINGS AFTER I HAD YOU.
AND I THINK I STUPIDLY FELT KIND OF RESENTFUL.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT??
SO IN ADDITION TO BEING A MOM, YOU WERE ALSO A REGULAR PERSON WITH REGULAR PERSON ‘FEELINGS’?
YES.
AND THAT’S WHEN HIS STUNNED, LITTLE BRAIN EXPLODED.
MOMS ARE WHAT NOW?

WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE, SUCCEED OR FAIL, THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO ALWAYS TRY YOUR BEST.
GREAT, THANKS FOR COMING IN.
I DIDN'T GET THE AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLER JOB.

WISE ASS
ON THE HILL
OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL... I'M TRYING TO DETERMINE IF THIS PERSON I MET IS NORMAL OR A WEIRDO.
WEIRDO.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL WEIRDOS. SOME OF US JUST HIDE IT BETTER.
SHOULD I BE REASSURED OR SCARED?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
MY TO-DO LIST FOR THE DAY.
1) Buy milk.
2) Mow lawn.
3) Develop theory to bridge Einstein's law of relativity with the standard model of particle physics.
SOMETIMES I GO BIG.