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WELL, NO MORE BEING POOR FOR ME... I'M OFF TO BUY FIFTY BUCKS' WORTH OF LOTTERY TICKETS AT THE GROCERY STORE.
PIG, THE ODDS OF YOU WINNING ARE TERRIBLE. YOU'RE 20,000 TIMES MORE LIKEY TO GET HIT BY LIGHTNING.
OH. THEN I WON'T GO.
'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO WASTE YOUR MONEY?
I DON'T WANT TO GET HIT BY LIGHTNING.
LET'S START OVER.
NOW I'M POOR AND TERRIFIED.

Dear Oxford English Dictionary,
You recently declared the word of the year to be 'vax.'
This was in error.
The word of the year is 'crappo.' As in, 'This year was crappo.'
IT WAS LAST YEAR ALSO.

DO YOU EVER TRY TO IMPROVE THE KIND OF GUY YOU ARE?
SURE. RIGHT NOW I'M WORKING ON OVERCOMING JEALOUSY.
GOOD FOR YOU. HOW ARE YOU DOING IT?
BY BECOMING SO SUPERIOR TO OTHERS THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO BE JEALOUS OF.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT COUNTS.
YOU'RE JEALOUS I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST.

HEY GOODSON, DO YOU EVER WONDER WHAT YOUR LEGACY WILL BE AFTER YOU’RE GONE?
A PUDDLE AND A CARROT.
SOME GUYS HAVE MODEST AMBITIONS.

MONDAY MOTIVATION
DREAMS DO COME TRUE!
Mostly for other people.
Fortunately, the rest of us have cheese.

HEY, ANDY ACHIEVER. WANT TO HANG OUT AND CHAT?
CAN'T. TRAINING TO FINISH AN IRONMAN IN UNDER TWELVE HOURS.
HEY, ANDY ACHIEVER. WANT TO HAVE A LEMONADE WITH ME?
CAN'T. TRAINING TO FINISH AN IRONMAN IN UNDER ELEVEN HOURS.
HEY, ANDY ACHIEVER. WANT TO WATCH THE BIRDS WITH ME?
CAN'T. TRAINING TO FINISH AN IRONMAN IN UNDER TEN HOURS.
HEY, ANDY ACHIEVER. WANT TO RELAX AND ENJOY THE SUNSET WITH--
CAN'T. TRAINING TO--
HONK HONK
SCREEECH SMACK
TELL ME AGAIN WHAT THE POINT OF AMBITION IS.
IT'S LIKE LUCKY, BUT LESS FUN.

HEY, RAT. PIG IS GONNA HELP ME MOVE TO MY NEW PLACE ON SUNDAY. MIND HELPING AS WELL?
SORRY. CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE THE KIND OF FRIENDS YOU ASK TO HELP YOU MOVE ARE YOUR VERY CLOSEST. AND I'M JUST NOT READY FOR THAT LEVEL OF COMMITMENT.
HARD NOT TO APPRECIATE THE CANDOR.
ALSO, I'M LAZY AND MOVING SUCKS.

WELL, I'M OFF TO GET SOME BROTH AT A PLACE RAT TOLD ME ABOUT.
HAVE FUN.
TURNS OUT THAT'S NOT WHAT BROTHELS SELL.

AND WHAT CAN I GET YOU THIS CHRISTMAS?
A CHOO-CHOO TRAIN!
A WONDERFUL GIFT! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!
AND WHAT CAN I GET YOU THIS CHRISTMAS?
NO MORE CRAP YEARS LOST TO COVID.
DO WE MAKE THOSE?
I'LL GIVE HIM BOOZE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. WHO'S YOUR FRIEND THERE?
OH, I MET HIM AT AN AQUARIUM. WE GO EVERYWHERE TOGETHER.
MUST BE NICE TO HAVE A PORPOISE IN LIFE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HALF THIS COUNTRY OR HOW THEY THINK.
HOW MUCH WAS THAT SLICE OF TOAST?
SIX DOLLARS.
IT'S ARTISANA.
MAYBE THE ISSUE'S
NOT THEM.
IS THAT FRENCH
FOR 'RIP-OFF' ?

INSPIRATION FOR TODAY:
None.
SOME DAYS RETURNING TO BED IS THE BEST OPTION.

The priest punched the cop in the face.
WOW. LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WRITING.
YES, BUT NOW I'M GONNA MAKE IT GREAT LITERATURE.
HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
WELL, YOU TAKE THE STRAIGHTFORWARD STORY YOU HAVE, AND MAKE IT MORE OBSCURE.
THEN YOU ADD UNNECESSARY REFERENCES NO ONE WILL GET AND FOREIGN PHRASES NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND.
HOW DO YOU MEAN ?
And like the apparition of Astra Planeta, he cried out, "Noli Timere Messorum," as the patriarch's feathers crested gravity's arch.
I UNDERSTAND 'AND.'
NOW I JUST GET ENGLISH TEACHERS TO ASSIGN IT.

GOOD NEWS TO CHEER YOU UP FOR A CHANGE.
GOOD NEWS TO CHEER YOU UP FOR A CHANGE.
WE ALL DIE EVENTUALLY.
I EXPECTED MORE.
GOOD NEWS TO CHEER YOU UP FOR A CHANGE.

DO YOU THINK WE
EVER GO BACK TO
THE GOOD OLD
DAYS?
EXACTLY
WHAT DAYS
WERE
THOSE?
BEFORE
THE
PANDEMIC.
WHEN YOU WERE
MISERABLE, STRESSED,
AND COMPLAINING
ABOUT EVERYTHING?
PLEASE DON'T
SULLY MY
IDEALIZED
PAST.
WERE THERE
RAINBOWS
AND
UNICORNS?

Dear Reader: Due to supply chain issues, there will be no jokes in today's comic, as all of our jokes are currently stuck in shipping containers overseas. Please feel free to fill in your own. Thanks for your patience.

DO YOU MIND THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T LIVE VERY LONG?
IT'S DIFFICULT, BUT THERE'S NOT MUCH I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
BUT IF I CAN BE HONEST, I DON'T MUCH CARE FOR THE NAME YOU GAVE ME.
GONESOON SURE IS WHINY.

WE COME AND WE GO.
FOR WE ALL MUST DIE, AS SURE AS THE SUN MUST RISE.
I LIKE TO MANAGE EXPECTATIONS.

THE PANDEMIC'S OVER!
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
I'VE JUST HAD IT. SO THAT'S THAT.
WISH WE'D TALKED TO HIM SOONER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, DOCTOR, BUT I'M MUCH LESS HAPPY THAN I WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO.
I SEE. HOW HAS YOUR HEALTH CHANGED?
NO.
SAME.
JOB STRESS?
SAME.
LIVING SITUATION?
SAME.
FINANCES?
SAME.
DIET?
SAME.
WELL, THAT IS VERY MYSTERIOUS.
HEY, MILD GUESS HERE, BUT DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A COMMUNICATION DEVICE ON YOU THAT HAS TURNED ALL SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE ON EARTH INTO FULL-TIME CRITICS, MADE US ALL FEEL INADEQUATE AND CONSTANTLY EXPOSED US TO ALL THE WORLD'S WORST NEWS?
I MAY HAVE HAD A BREAKTHROUGH IN THERAPY.

WHERE ARE YOU TWO OFF TO?
Crocs go see piano player guy. Guy gonna show his butt.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Top line of ad. Mention da butt.
Debut.
Hey, Bob, leesten fancy French guy.
Can't.
Me no want miss butt.

APPLE IS SAYING THAT TO GET A NEW iPHONE, I HAVE TO GET A NEW CHARGER, NEW ADAPTER, AND NEW HEADPHONE JACK ADAPTER.
I HATE THAT. THOUGH IT IS AN UPGRADE IN TECHNOLOGY.
YEAH, BUT LOOK AT THIS REQUIREMENT.
Must get all new friends.
THAT'S CROSSING A LINE.
THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES.

... AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK OF HIS POLITICS.
HOW INTERESTING.
YOU THINK SO?
NO, BUT REPLYING WITH 'HOW DOES A GUY AS STUPID AS YOU MANAGE TO PUT ON PANTS IN THE MORNING' SEEMED SLIGHTLY TOO COMBATIVE.
I'M GETTING MORE AND MORE DIPLOMATIC.

Dear Powers That Be
in the Universe...
How is it that you
can just have me die
unexpectedly at any
given moment?
And yet the power
company has to warn
me when just shutting
off the power?
SOMETIMES I CAN BE SO
PROFOUND.

HEY, RAT, SINCE WHEN DO YOU WATCH THAT NEWS CHANNEL?
I LIKE TO CHECK IN ON IT NOW AND THEN.
TO BE EXPOSED TO A WIDER VARIETY OF OPINION AND HELP YOU KEEP AN OPEN MIND?
TO CONFIRM THEY'RE STILL NUTTERS.
THAT'S ALMOST OPEN-MINDED.
OH, LOOK, THEY'RE STILL NUTTERS.