Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU SEEM A LOT CALMER LATELY, RAT…NOT NEARLY SO ANGRY...HOW DO YOU DO IT?
WELL, WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING, I TAKE A FEW MINUTES JUST FOR MYSELF.
I SEE. TO BREATHE DEEPLY? MEDITATE?
TO SLEDGEHAMMER THE &%#@ OUT OF A ROCK.
NOT QUITE MEDITATION.
WE'RE LIVING IN SLEDGEHAMMER TIMES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
JUST HUNG THIS PAINTING OF AN ELEPHANT. TOOK A WHILE TO GET IT CENTERED AND LEVEL. HOW DO YOU THINK I DID?
IT’S WELL HUNG.
I THINK YOU KNOW WHY I’M HERE.
BECAUSE IT’S NOT STRAIGHT?
IS IT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?

LOOK AT THIS... ANOTHER TRAVEL BROCHURE... LIKE WE CAN EVEN TRAVEL ANYWHERE IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
YEAH, TRUE. BUT AREN'T THEY SAYING WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET THE VACCINE BY THEN?
YEAH. I THINK THEY ARE.
SO THIS MAYBE COULD POSSIBLY BE A THING?
I GUESS IT COULD.
WAIT A MINUTE... YOU MEAN WE'RE BOTH HAVING...
AN OPTIMISTIC THOUGHT!
SO THAT'S WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.
I THINK I ACTUALLY SAID 'FUTURE.'

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'S
Moving you mailbox mile from you house.
WHAT FOR?
Make you walk further to get you bills and stuff. Dat way, we crocs more chance keel you.
I GET ALL MY BILLS ONLINE, SO YOU JUST DID ME THE FAVOR OF MOVING MY JUNK MAIL FAR AWAY.
Mail no whuh it used to be.
Oooh... Coupons for lemons.

HEY, I FIGURED OUT OUR
NEIGHBORS' WIFI PASS-
WORD. DO YOU THINK IT'S
OKAY FOR ME TO START
USING THEIR NETWORK?
I DUNNO.
LEMME
CHECK MY
MORAL
COMPASS.
IT'S FINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING "YOU'RE WELCOME" CARDS.
WHAT ARE THOSE?
CARDS FOR ALL THE THANKLESS TURDS WHO FAILED TO SEND ME THANK YOU CARDS.
SLIGHTLY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.
IS "THANKLESS TURD" A SUFFICIENT ADDRESS?

ACME HEALTH. HON CAN WE HELP YOU?
YEAH, YOU DIDN'T COVER MY LAST DOCTOR BILL BECAUSE IT DIDN'T EXCEED THE DEDUCTIBLE. SO I'M WONDERING WHAT THE DEDUCTIBLE IS.
IT'S VERY EASY TO CALCULATE.
OKAY. HOW?
TAKE WHATEVER AMOUNT YOUR BILL IS AND ADD A DOLLAR.
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.
DID YOU KNOW "DEDUCTIBLE" MEANS "SCREW YOU" IN LATIN?

IF YOU WORK REALLY HARD, ARE YOU GUARANTEED SUCCESS?
NO.
BUT WHAT IF YOU DON'T WORK HARD? CAN YOU STILL SUCCEED?
I SUPPOSE.
SO BOTH ROADS ARE A CRAPSHOOT, BUT ONE OF THEM INVOLVES GIVING YOURSELF AN ULCER.
LET'S START OVER.
YOU'VE VALIDATED MY LIFE'S CHOICES.

HEY, PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, LUKE. I ASKED HIM TO COME OVER AND EAT WITH US.
OH, GREAT. YEAH. COME EAT WITH US. AND ---
WHAT?
UUUUUSE THE FORKS, LUKE.
THOSE JOKES GET VERY OLD, PIG.
LUKE HOW ANGRY HE'S GETTING.

HELLO? ZEEBA NEIGHBA, WANT BUY?
BUY WHAT?
Crocs start new business. Sell video.
WHAT KIND OF VIDEO?
Veeshus crocs attack. Is like greatest hits. Gazelle, zebra, deer.
AND CROCS ON VIDEO IS DEADLY IS THE NAME OF THE BUSINESS?
Yeah. What wrong with that?
It's just long. BARELY FITS ON THE SIGN.
SO? If you want customers to remember it, you need to shorten it or something.
We not get one customer.
Marketing, like, sooo hard.

HEY GOAT, I DIDN'T LIKE HOW YOU TALKED TO ME IN THE CAFE TODAY, SO I HEREBY BAR YOU FROM USING MY NETFLIX PASSWORD.
DON'T CARE. I'M GONNA KEEP USING IT.
HOW DARE YOU. I SHALL CHANGE IT, YOU VICIOUS, UNETHICAL BEAST.
NO, YOU WON'T. BECAUSE TO DO THAT, YOU'D NEED TO REMEMBER THE ORIGINAL ONE.
THAT WAS LOW.

WHERE YOU OFF TO?
GONNA HANG OUT WITH MY PEN PAL.
HAVE YOU GUYS MET BEFORE?
HAHA... HE WANTS TO KNOW IF WE'VE MET BEFORE.
BICKY BIC FINDS YOU AMUSING.

I JUST HAD THE WORST NIGHTMARE ABOUT THE PANDEMIC.
I'M SO SORRY. I'VE HAD PLENTY OF THOSE. WHAT WAS YOURS?
THAT IT ENDED AND I NO LONGER HAD AN EXCUSE TO AVOID SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
NOT MY NIGHTMARE.
HAD TO GO BACK TO LYING ALL THE TIME ALWAYS.

YES! YES! MY SIDE WON THE ELECTION!
SO YOU LIKE WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO IN OFFICE?
I THOUGHT THE GOAL WAS JUST WINNING.
I THINK YOU'RE MISSING SOMETHING.
OH, RIGHT. I NEED TO GO TAUNT THE LOSERS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. AS OUR
SOCIETY APPEARS TO BE COMING
APART AT THE SEAMS, I WANT
YOU TO KNOW I BOUGHT A GUN.
I BOUGHT TWO GUNS.
I WILL BUY THREE GUNS.
I’LL TAKE WHATEVER NUMBER
OF GUNS YOU BUY AND BUY
ONE MORE.
MY END-TIMES STRATEGY
NEEDS WORK.

Beep Boop Beep
9-1-1. WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?
HELP. I'M TRAPPED IN MY HOUSE.
TRAPPED HOW?
JUST THIS WHOLE PANDEMIC THING.
TURNS OUT IT'S NOT AN EMERGENCY.

ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, READY TO USHER OUT THE OLD YEAR AND WELCOME IN THE BRAND NEW YEAR?
YES!
BRING IN THE NEW!
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, IT'S ALMOST THAT SPECIAL MOMENT... GET READY, OKAY... 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
HAPPY NEW YEAR
MY LIFE HAS CHANGED NOT ONE WHIT.
EXCEPT NOW I'M TIRED.
AND DRANK TOO MUCH.
WHY DO WE FALL FOR THIS EVERY YEAR???

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WATCHING MY BUDDY DAN. HE'S ON THE CREW TEAM. THROUGH IT'S THE PRE-SEASON. HOW ABOUT YOU?
ME AND MY FRIEND ANGELO ARE LOOKING AT THIS BOOK OF SCULPTURES. THERE'S 'THE THINKER'. DO YOU KNOW WHO CREATED THAT, PIG?
I'D ONLY BE GUESSING.
GO AHEAD GUESS! AND BY THE WAY, WHEN'S THE ACTUAL SEASON START?
AUGUST!
RON, DAN!
WHO MAKES THE CALL ON RUNNING THESE SCULPTOR PUNS?
MY CALL, ANGELO.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GONNA EAT THIS MASSIVE MOUND OF FRIES.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON A DIET.
I AM. BUT NOW I BELIEVE IN PREDESTINATION, WHICH DICTATES THAT YOUR LIFE IS PREDETERMINED BEFORE BIRTH.
SO?
SO AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO NOT EAT THIS, IT'S USELESS BECAUSE I HAVE NO FREE WILL.
I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE EXPLOITING THIS.
PREDESTINATION KNEW YOU'D SAY THAT.

I JUST LOOKED AT MY UBER RATING. IT'S A 4.88 OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE.
SO?
SO I'VE FAILED AT LIFE.
YOU MIGHT BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.
WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG?

WHY ARE YOU JUST STARING AT YOUR FOOD?
THERE'S A BIG FINGERPRINT ON THE PLATE. IT'S MAKING ME LOSE MY APPETITE.
WHEN I EAT, MY MOTHER REGURGITATES INTO MY MOUTH.
NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT FOOD SERVICE AROUND A BABY BIRD.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
A BOOK ON THE MESOZOIC AGE.
WHAT AGE ARE WE IN NOW?
THE AGE OF STUPID.
STUPIDITY.
DON'T GET SNOOTY.
NO WONDER I'M SO COMFORTABLE.

NEXT YEAR'S GOALS FOR PERSONAL GROWTH
Get fatter.
NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
GROWTH IS GROWTH.

WELL, THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.
YEAH. HATE TO KICK YOU OUT LIKE THIS, BUT WITH THE HOLIDAYS OVER, I'M AFRAID IT'S TIME.
PROBABLY PAST TIME.
YEAH. TRUTH BE KNOWN, WE REALLY DIDN'T ENJOY THE TIME WE SPENT WITH YOU.
SO DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.
THE WORLD FEELS BETTER ALREADY.
HEY, DON'T DO THAT ON OUR LAWN!

HI, GUYS. THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR WEEKLY MEETING... UH, RAT, WHY ARE YOU COMING SO CLOSE TO THE SCREEN?
I THINK I'VE HAD IT WITH ZOOM MEETINGS.