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I'VE DECIDED THAT TO PROTECT MYSELF, I'M GONNA KEEP WEARING A MASK ON MY FACE.
WHAT FOR?
TO BE SAFE.
BUT THE CITY SAYS WE DON'T HAVE TO.
WHO CARES WHAT THEY SAY? THERE'S AN EPIDEMIC OUT THERE. AND WITH A MASK, YOU LESSEN YOUR CHANCE OF EXPOSURE AND PREVENT NEEDLESS SUFFERING.
MAKES SENSE.
OF COURSE IT MAKES SENSE. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, OPEN ANY SOCIAL MEDIA NEWS FEED.
IT'S OPEN.
AND I'M NOT BEING EXPOSED TO ANY OF IT.
THIS IS SO MUCH SAFER.
STUPIDITY: HELP STOP THE SPREAD.

SELF-IMPROVEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
Describe a problem in your life:
Other people sometimes make me feel bad about myself.
Now propose a possible solution:
Never leave home.
THIS MAY SOLVE EVERYTHING.

HEY, GOAT, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T RESPOND TO MY MESSAGE ON FACEBOOK?
I DID. I RESPONDED WITH A THUMBS-UP.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO MERIT HIM TYPING WORDS.
I DESERVE BETTER.
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
GREAT FOR ENDING TEDIOUS CHATS.

HEY, LARRY, I'M MAKING HOT DOGS. DO YOU WANT REGULAR MUSTARD OR DIJON?
YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING. I'M GUESSING IT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT DIJON IS.
You wrong.
WHEN DERE IS BREAK IN DEE GAME, ME GO TO DEE JOHN.
I'LL SAY REGULAR.
Yeah. Me pretty regular.

AHHHHH!! EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS FALLING APART! RUN FOR THE HILLS!
CAN'T RUN FOR THE HILLS!! THE HILLS ARE ON FIRE!!
IT'S SAD WHEN THERE'S NOWHERE TO RUN.

Hullo, zeeba neighba. Whut you reading?
A BOOK FOR MY NEXT BOOK CLUB MEETING CALLED 'EAT, PRAY, LOVE.'
Sound gud.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
Me eat prey. Love.
Sound like me no invited to meeting.

HEY, PIG, IF YOU'RE GONNA INVITE YOUR MOM TO LUNCH, YOU SHOULD CALL HER SOON.
CAN'T. IPHONE'S BEING FIXED.
HERE, JUST USE MINE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I DON'T KNOW ANYONE'S PHONE NUMBER.
WE DON'T OWN SMARTPHONES. SMARTPHONES OWN US.
UNIVERSE! CALL MOM!

THE WORLD'S OPENING BACK UP! THE WORLD'S OPENING BACK UP!
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FIRST?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW!
MAYBE EAT ALL MY FAVORITE FOODS!
OR PLAY GAMES WITH FRIENDS!
OR SEE ALL THE LATEST MOVIES!
OR SHOP FOR ALL NEW STUFF!
ALL STUFF YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO DO FROM HOME, BUT WITHOUT THE CROWDS AND THE TRAFFIC!
I MAY STAY HERE FOREVER.

WELL, I TOOK YOUR WEIGHT LOSS ADVICE AND STARTED EATING MUCH SMALLER DINNERS AT NIGHT.
THAT'S GREAT. IS IT HARD?
NOT REALLY, 'CAUSE IF I GET HUNGRY, I JUST EAT A GALLON OF ICE CREAM BEFORE BED.
ODDLY, I'M NOT LOSING WEIGHT.

I'VE CONCLUDED THERE'S TOO MUCH DIVISION IN THIS COUNTRY, SO I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH A LIST OF VALUES AND BELIEFS WE CAN ALL AGREE ON.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
Hatred of people who whistle.
IT'S THE ONE UNIFYING PRINCIPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TEXTING PHOTOS OF MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT, TRICKY DICK NIXON, TO PEOPLE.
DO YOU THINK OTHER PEOPLE REALLY WANT YOUR PICS?
OH, HECK, NO.
THIS ART FORM IS SO DARN RESTRICTIVE.
WHAT IS HE, ANTI-NIXON?

HEY, STEPHAN, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET BOB. HE'S YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN.
OH. YEAH? AND WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
HE'S THE ONLY ONE.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST WALK INTO.
NOT SUCCESS. THAT SEEMS FAR AWAY.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CALCULATE YOUR NET WORTH?
NO. BUT I THINK I COULD.
WHAT IS IT?
I'M A GOOD FRIEND WHO'S ALWAYS WILLING TO HELP YOU.
IT'S USUALLY STATED IN TERMS OF MONEY.
I'D GIVE YOU THAT, TOO.

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
THIS BOOK ON ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHEN PEOPLE CLAIM TO BE SMART, BUT THEY'RE NOT.
I KNOW SOME OF THEM.
NEVER MIND.
THEY CAN REALLY RUIN YOUR DAY.

HI, GUYS.
HEY, NEIGHBOR AL. WHERE'S YOUR MOM?
HE'S WITH MY DAD IN MIAMI SEEING 'LA BOHEME'.
WHY DIDN'T YOU GO WITH THEM?
I HAD TO GO SHOPPING FOR AN X-RAY. HANG ON. LET ME ORDER A BEER.
I'LL NEED TO SEE I.D.
OR ELSE WHAT?
I CAN'T LET YOU DRINK BEER IN HERE.
OH, YEAH? WELL, WATCH YOUR TONE, PAL. I'M AN I.D.
LISTEN, I'M THE CHEF'S CO-WORKER. YOU COULD REALLY DE-ESCALATE ALL THIS JUST BY GIVING HIM I.D.ENTIFICATION.
OK, FINE.
I GUESS I'M JUST TENSE. HAD TO GET A CT SCAN TODAY AT THE V.A. CLINIC.
YOU'RE HIDING STATE ABBREVIATIONS.
FIND ALL TWENTY, BABY!
GA! HARD. HARD.

YOU NEED MORE SELF-CONFIDENCE, PIG.
HOW DO I GET IT?
WELL, ONE TECHNIQUE IS TO STAND IN FRONT OF A MIRROR AND SAY THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF THAT ARE UPLIFTING.
YOUR SAGGY BUTT NEEDS UPLIFTING.
NO HELP.

I'M TIRED OF THE UNPREDICTABILITY OF LIFE. I NEED CERTAINTY.
I CAN GIVE YOU CERTAINTY.
YOU CAN?
SURE.
THERE IS A HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAINTY THAT YOUR LIFE WILL HAVE NO CERTAINTY.
NOT SURE THAT HELPS.
DON'T BE SO CERTAIN.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I OPENED MY OWN SHOE STORE. WANT TO BE A SHOESER WITH ME?
WHAT'S THAT?
WE'RE THE GUYS WHO SELL THE SHOES. THEN THE BAGGERS BAG THEM.
I CAN DO BOTH IF YOU WANT.
NO. BAGGERS CAN'T BE SHOESERS.
COMICS SHOULDN'T MAKE PEOPLE SAD.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, PIG?
A GEOLOGY BOOK. DID YOU KNOW THE CENTER OF THE WORLD IS MOSTLY IRON AND NICKEL?
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THE CENTER OF THE WORLD IS ME AND MY FEELINGS.
IT DOESN'T SAY THAT.
I KNOW MORE ABOUT SCIENCE THAN SCIENTISTS.

I JUST TOOK AN I.Q. TEST SO I CAN APPLY TO MENSES.
THE NAME IS MENSA.
DOES THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
YES.
PERHAPS HE SHOULDN'T JOIN MENSA.

EMBRACE CHANGE.
NICE.
BECAUSE LIFE GIVES YOU NO CHOICE.
LESS NICE.
FROM MY NEW BOOK, "LIFE IS INCONSIDERATE."

SURE YOU FEEL FINE NOW, BRAIN. BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW?!
YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB!
YOUR MARRIAGE IS A DISASTER!
LEMME GO! LEMME GO!
LOOKS LIKE IT'S DAWN.
WE CAN LET HIM GO.
'TIL TOMORROW NIGHT, BRAIN.
THE SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR WHAT HAPPENS TO BRAINS AT NIGHT.
NO ONE KIDNAPS YOUR BRAIN.
WHOA. MAYBE MINE IS STILL GONE.

THE WOMAN NEXT TO ME IS SO PRETTY.
TRY SOME PICKUP LINE.
PICKUPS HAVE FOUR WHEELS AND A BIG, LONG PART WHERE GARDENERS PUT THEIR LAWN MOWERS.
I THINK I JUST CONFUSED HER.

DO YOU EVER REGRET THINGS THAT YOU'VE DONE?
DOES RELIVING THEM AND SMILING COUNT?
NO.
THIS REGRET THING SOUNDS LIKE A REAL BUMMER.

Dear life,
Please give me credit for trying.
Just an acknowledgment that you know I'm doing my best and that it counts for something.
LIFE HAS A KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR.