Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHY ARE YOU JUST STARING AT YOUR FOOD?
THERE'S A BIG FINGERPRINT ON THE PLATE. IT'S MAKING ME LOSE MY APPETITE.
WHEN I EAT, MY MOTHER REGURGITATES INTO MY MOUTH.
NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT FOOD SERVICE AROUND A BABY BIRD.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
A BOOK ON THE MESOZOIC AGE.
WHAT AGE ARE WE IN NOW?
THE AGE OF STUPID.
STUPIDITY.
DON'T GET SNOOTY.
NO WONDER I'M SO COMFORTABLE.

NEXT YEAR'S GOALS FOR PERSONAL GROWTH
Get fatter.
NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
GROWTH IS GROWTH.

WELL, THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.
YEAH. HATE TO KICK YOU OUT LIKE THIS, BUT WITH THE HOLIDAYS OVER, I'M AFRAID IT'S TIME.
PROBABLY PAST TIME.
YEAH. TRUTH BE KNOWN, WE REALLY DIDN'T ENJOY THE TIME WE SPENT WITH YOU.
SO DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.
THE WORLD FEELS BETTER ALREADY.
HEY, DON'T DO THAT ON OUR LAWN!

HI, GUYS. THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR WEEKLY MEETING... UH, RAT, WHY ARE YOU COMING SO CLOSE TO THE SCREEN?
I THINK I'VE HAD IT WITH ZOOM MEETINGS.

LOOK AT TOM BRADY GO!
SINCE WHEN DO YOU ROOT FOR TOM BRADY?
SINCE I LEARNED HE'S 43 YEARS OLD, WHICH MEANS THAT AT THE AGE OF 52, I CAN ALMOST STILL PLAY IN THE N.F.L.
MIDDLE-AGED PEOPLE CAN BE SAD.
NOTHING MIDDLE-AGED ABOUT THESE GUNS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS CONTACT TRACING WHERE IF YOU HAVE COVID THEY ALERT ALL YOUR FRIENDS THAT THEY MAY HAVE BEEN EXPOSED?
I DON'T MIND IT.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T THINK IT'S AN INVASION OF PRIVACY?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
THAT'S A FAIR POINT.
IT REALLY COMES IN HANDY.

HEY, STEPH, THANKS FOR THE CHRISTMAS CARD THIS YEAR. WHERE'D YOU TAKE THE GREAT PHOTO THAT'S ON THE INSIDE OF IT?
LEMME GUESS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PHOTO I'M TALKING ABOUT AND WEREN'T EVEN AWARE YOUR WIFE SENT OUT CHRISTMAS CARDS.
GLAD YOU LIKED THE PHOTO.
YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR DARK LITTLE CAVE NOW.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR HEAD, PIG?
IT'S A SCREAM BOX.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
TO MUFFLE YOUR CRIES WHEN THE INJUSTICE OF THE WORLD OVERWHELMS YOU.
THIS COULD CATCH ON.
CAREFUL CROSSING THE STREET.

HERES YOUR PRESCRIPTION, AND THE BILL.
WHAT? THAT SAYS $100 A PILL.
YEAH, THAT'S THE PRICE SET BY THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY.
DO I HAVE ANY OPTIONS?
SCREAM INTO A BOX ?
I MAY GO THROUGH LIFE LIKE THIS.

To lock my phone in my car for the night.
WHAT FOR?
Because I always start looking at it before I go to bed. Then I can't sleep because I'm too nervous and upset.
But not anymore. Because I'm finally going to bed at -
Shoot. Don't know what time it is.
Well, that's okay. I'll just sleep 'til my alarm goes off at -
DARN... NO ALARM.
Oh, that doesn't matter. If I'm late for something, someone can always call me and -
Nuts. No way to reach me. That also makes me nervous.
That's okay. I'll just listen to some calming music and -

ATTENTION, PLEASE... THE YEAR WE'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH HAS BEEN THE 'YEAR OF THE RAT' ON THE CHINESE CALENDAR.
AND I THINK WE'LL ALL AGREE IT'S BEEN PRETTY SPECTACULAR. ALL IN FAVOR OF REPEATING IT NEXT YEAR, RAISE YOUR HAND.
AAAAUGHHHH
A SIMPLE 'NO' WOULD BE FINE.

I CAN'T RELAX ANYMORE. MY MIND IS CONSTANTLY GOING. BUT I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA.
WHAT'S THAT?
HIT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH THIS MALLET. I'LL FALL UNCONSCIOUS AND MAYBE FINALLY HAVE A FEW MINUTES OF PEACE.
THERE'S GOTTA BE AN EASIER WAY.
HAPPIEST HE'S LOOKED IN WEEKS.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
Larry start new venture. Offer world his brilliance on all subjects.
WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE?
BAD START.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS NEW
CONTACT TRACING APP? IT
ALLOWS YOU TO SEE WHERE
THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN AND
HELPS YOU TO AVOID THEM.
RIGHT, YOU MEAN PEOPLE
WITH COVID?
STUPID PEOPLE.
NEVER
MIND.
IT'S REALLY
IMPROVED
MY
HEALTH.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S UP?
WELL, I WAS GONNA GO AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD GIVING OUT HUGS TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER. BUT WITH THE PANDEMIC, I CAN'T.
SO I'M GIVING YOU THIS COUPON. GOOD FOR ONE FREE HUG WHEN ALL THIS ENDS.
I SANITIZED IT.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL, EVERYTHING IS BAD, BAD, BAD. WHAT DO WE DO?
FIRST WE STOP WHINING.

STEADY SUSAN WAS STEADY.
LOOK AT HER GO!
I HAVE READ A BOOK A WEEK THIS YEAR. THAT'S A GREAT USE OF MY TIME DURING COVID.
AND I'VE WALKED TWO MILES A DAY. THAT'S A GREAT USE OF MY TIME DURING COVID.
AND I'VE ORGANIZED EVERY ROOM IN MY HOUSE. THAT'S A GREAT USE OF MY TIME DURING COVID.
AND I'VE SPENT MORE TIME WITH MY KIDS. THAT'S A GREAT USE OF MY TIME DURING COVID.
SO I'M BETTER READ, MORE FIT, MORE ORGANIZED, AND A BETTER PARENT.
AND I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!
SUSAN'S NOT SO STEADY.
WE ARE ALL BREAKING.
GUESS WHOSE WHOLE CLOSET IS NOW COLOR-COORDINATED.

IF YOU HAD TO LOSE EITHER YOUR
LEFT HAND OR GO WITHOUT A
SMARTPHONE FOREVERMORE, WHICH
WOULD YOU PICK?
SAD THAT
WE'VE
COME TO
THIS.
WELL,
IT'S ONLY
A HAND.

Wii
Wii
Wii
ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

GOALS FOR THE NEXT YEAR:
BE BETTER THAN THE LAST
I FIGURE THAT'S NOT ASKING FOR MUCH.

WHAT IS THAT, PIG?
TIMMY THE TABLETOP.
HE TOOK ME APART TO SAND ME. NEVER ASKED PERMISSION. TREATS ME LIKE CRAP.
DOES HE HAVE ANY BASIS FOR SAYING THAT?
HE DOESN'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.
SOMEONE SHOULD BREAK YOUR LEGS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M VERY STRESSED THESE DAYS.
YOU SHOULD? TRY RELAXING A LITTLE MORE.
RELAXING IS WHAT LIFE WANTS YOU TO DO SO IT CAN CATCH YOU BY SURPRISE.
LIFE DOESN'T PLOT AGAINST YOU.
OH, IT PLOTS.

FREE HUGS
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SOME
PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE HUGS
AT ALL, FREE OR OTHERWISE.
AND THOSE
PEOPLE ARE
AMONG US ?
YES.
THE WORLD JUST GOT A
LOT MORE SCARY.

Elly Elephant was lonely.
So she swiped right on a dating app and met her date for coffee.
Why'd you want to meet for coffee instead of my house tonight for dinner?
Well, dinner implies a little more. You know…
But your house, well, that's just nuts.
How is this cafe better?
Well, if things got unpleasant, there are people around, and I could scream.
I just wanted to show you my house. It's 8000 square feet. I guess that isn't surprising given my salary and the car I drove up in. Money says everything about a guy.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Elly Elephant decided loneliness was a wonderful thing.