Pearls Before Swine | Search

SINCE WHEN DID YOU START APPEARING REGULARLY ON N.P.R.?
I WASN'T ON N.P.R.
BUT I HEARD THEM SAY YOUR NAME.
OH, THAT'S STEFAN FATSIS. OUR NAMES SOUND A LOT ALIKE. HE WROTE THAT WORD FREAK BOOK.
OH, THANK GOD.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT YOU SOUNDED SMART.
WE ARE BOTH ACCOMPLISHED STEFANS!
STEFANS.

SIR, CONGRESS HAS PASSED A NEW STIMULUS BILL THAT WILL HELP MILLIONS OF PEOPLE. IT JUST NEEDS YOUR SIGNATURE.
How much zeeba meat me get?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT INCLUDES ANY ZEERA MEAT FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
VETO
No wonder everyone hate Congress.

LARRY, WHAT TIME ARE YOU COMING HOME TONIGHT?
YATE, WOOMUN, ME PRESIDENT OF UNITIED STATES NOW.
WHAT DO YOU STILL HAVE TO DO?
ME GOTTA STOP BY TREASURY, GET ARMFUL OF MONIES.
SIR, THAT'S NOT YOUR MONEY. IT BELONGS TO THE COUNTRY.
ME WANT QUIT JOB.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ANYMORE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO REPLACED ME. I MEAN, WITH ALL THAT'S GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY, WHAT ARE THEIR PRIORITIES?
KEEL Zeebas.

THIS TOWN NEEDS A NEW ROAD.
YES IT DOES.
THE FIRST THING WE SHOULD DO IS CALL EACH OTHER NAMES.
MORON!
LOSER!
FATFACE!
JERK!
NOW WHAT?
NOW I GUESS WE PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FACE.
HEY GUYS... DID YOU FIX THE ROAD?
UH, FORGOT.
THIS HAS BEEN
ANOTHER EPISODE OF...
THE NATION'S TWO-PARTY SYSTEM
I DON'T LIKE THIS SHOW.
TOO BAD. IT'S THE ONLY CHANNEL.
AWWW. PUNCHING CAN BE SO PRODUCTIVE.

AND THEN NEIGHBOR BOB GOES, "OH, YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA TOUCH MY HEDGES?"
NO HE DIDN'T. I WAS THERE. THOSE AREN'T THE WORDS HE USED. THAT WASN'T HIS TONE. AND YOU LEFT OUT THE RUDE THING THAT YOU SAID BEFORE THAT.
YOU'RE RUINING PERFECTLY GOOD GOSSIP.
SORRY FOR THINKING ACCURACY MATTERED.
HAVE YOU NEVER GOSSIPED BEFORE?
WE SHOULD DISCUSS GOAT WHEN HE LEAVES.

WITH PRESIDENT RAT TOPPLED BY A MILITARY COUP, HISTORIANS MOVE TO PRESERVE HIS PRESIDENTIAL PAPERS.
WHERE ARE THEY?
IN THIS BOX HERE.
ONE BOX?
ONE DOCUMENT.
CRUSH THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
WILL BE HARD TO BUILD A LIBRARY AROUND.
OH, AND HE CARVED "I AM KING" ON THE DESK.

PRESIDENT RAT IS BEING OUSTED BY A MILITARY COUP.
FINE, FINE. I'LL LEAVE, BUT BEFORE I GO, HOW 'BOUT GIVING ME A PEN SO I CAN WRITE A CONCILIATORY NOTE FOR THE INCOMING PRESIDENT?
SURE.
I HEREBY PARDON MYSELF FOR
I WAS GETTING TO THE CONCILIATORY PART.

THE COUP IS UNDERWAY
SIR, ON BEHALF
OF THE MILITARY,
I'M REMOVING YOU
FROM OFFICE.
WHAT FOR?
YOU'RE A
BIT OF A LOON.
HA ! YOU CAN'T
REMOVE ME.
I HAVE MY ELITE
GUARD UNITS!
GUARDS! GUARDS!
THEY WON'T
BE COMING
TO YOUR
AID, SIR.
I BRIBED
THEM.
BRIBED THEM!
WHAT KIND OF
EXTRAORDINARY
BRIBE COULD
BREAK THEIR
LOYALTY TO ME?
Okay... How we split
Cinnabon?

HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S THE MOVIE ‘APOCALYPSE NOW’ ABOUT?
THIS GUY GOES CRAZY WITH POWER OVER ALL THESE PEOPLE, SO THE MILITARY SENDS A SOLDIER TO REMOVE HIM.
HOW COME?
NO REASON.

HEY, CARTOON BOY. YOU HAD ME BECOME PRESIDENT A FEW YEARS AGO AND THEN COMPLETELY DROPPED THE STORYLINE.
I DID?
YEAH, SO DO SOME STRIPS AND HAVE ME GET RE-ELECTED AND MAKE ME ALL-POWERFUL.
RAT: THE OVERTHROW
NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR.
FUNNIER THIS WAY.

Hey, Junior... Want play game? Me crush you face een Monopoly.
Oh, yeah... You watching TV... You mebbe watch too much. But dat okay. We can watch.
Oh, right. You is playing outside today.
HE KNOWS YOUR SON MOVED AWAY TO SCHOOL, RIGHT?
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME. IT'S REAL.
HAHA. HE PROBLEE HIDING IN GARAGE.

WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG, YOUR GREAT GRAND-
PARENTS DIE. AND YOU'RE SAD. THEN
LATER YOUR GRANDPARENTS DIE. AND
YOU'RE SAD AGAIN. THEN YOUR PARENTS
DIE, AND YOU'RE REALLY SAD.
BUT THEN YOU REACH THIS AGE WHERE
DEATH HAS TAKEN ALL OF YOUR FORE-
BEARERS. AND THERE'S THIS CALM
BECAUSE YOU REALIZE THERE'S NO ONE
ELSE IT CAN TAKE FROM YOU.
WHICH
IS WHEN
IT'S YOUR
TURN.
IT'S
ALWAYS
SOMETHING.

WELCOME BACK TO THE OFFICE!
IF WE CAN NO LONGER DO WORK AT HOME, I'M DOING HOME AT WORK.
GOOD NEWS... I NO LONGER HAVE TO DO WORK ANYWHERE.

Dear Employer,
I am writing regarding your announcement that we all have to stop working from home and return to the office.
Perhaps you think the office is better because I won't get my work done if I remain at home.
Wrong.
I don't get my work done anywhere.
I WONDER IF THAT'S YOUR BEST ARGUMENT.
P.S. DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE AND SHOW YOU!

HEY, NEIGH-BOR BOB. DID YOU GET THE VACCINE YET?
HEY. NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT I THINK IT'S KIND OF CROSSING A LINE TO ASK SOMEONE THEIR VACCINATION STATUS.
CROSSING A LINE? YOU WANT TO TALK CROSSING A LINE?
JAB
THE GOOD NEWS IS HE'S NOW VACCINATED.

PANDEMIC'S OVER! OFF WITH THE MASK!
PANDEMIC'S BACK! ON WITH THE MASK!
PANDEMIC'S OVER! OFF WITH THE MASK!
PANDEMIC'S BACK! ON WITH THE MASK!
GOD HELP US!--WE'RE STUCK IN A TIME LOOP!
I WANT OUT! I WANT OUT!

WHERE'S
PIG TODAY?
OUT DOING ALL THE STUFF HE COULDN'T DO DURING THE LAST EIGHTEEN MONTHS BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT THAT WELL.
Let's touch tongues

CAN I HELP YOU SIR?

YEAH. VANILLA LATTE.
CAN I GET A NAME?
YEAH. SAYS A LOT OF EMBARRASSMENT.
YOUR NAME ISN'T BOOB. IT'S STEPHAN.
YEAH. BOOB'S JUST MY COFFEE NAME.
WHAT'S A COFFEE NAME?
IT'S A NAME THAT'S EASIER TO SPELL THAN YOUR OWN, THAT WAY THEY DON'T SCREW IT UP.
HOW SMART.
GOT A VANILLA LATTE HERE FOR "BOOB."
LET'S GO HOME NOW.
HEY, THIS YOU, WEIRDO?

RAT CALCULATED THAT HE LOSES HOURS A DAY GOING TO THE CAFE FOR VANILLA LATTES.
HE MUST DRINK A LOT OF LATTES.
YEAH, BUT HE'S WORKING ON AN ARRANGE-MENT WITH THE CAFE TO GET THE LATTES DELIVERED TO HIM.
WHAT'S THE ARRANGE-MENT?
I MAY HAVE AN ADDICTION.

DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A DRINK CALLED "PASTIS"?
YEAH. IT'S AN APERITIF FROM FRANCE. SORTA TASTES LIKE BLACK LICORICE.
RIGHT.
BUT IT'S NOT IN ANY WAY ASSOCIATED WITH YOU?
OH... NO.
WHY?
OKAY, GUYS, IT'S NOT UTTER CRAP THAT'LL CAUSE YOU TO SPOUT STUPID PUNS!
I FEEL SET UP.
OH, THANK GOD.
I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS OVER.

HOW DO WE KNOW THAT ALL SPECIES EVOLVE?
IT’S BEEN PROVEN.
BY WHAT?
GOOFY CAN TALK. PLUTO CANNOT.
SO OBVIOUS.
NOT THE PROOF.
GOOFY: PANTS. PLUTO: NO PANTS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
JUST HAD A BIG FIGHT WITH MY WIFE. SOMETIMES I DON'T GET ANYTHING SHE DOES.
Take a breath. You love her and she loves you.
NOTEMAN HEALS ALL.

ACME HEALTH INSURANCE...
HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?
YES, UH... YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR THE SURGERY I HAD ON MY KNEE.
RIGHT. THAT WAS A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION.
NO. I JUST INJURED MY KNEE LAST MONTH..
NOT THE INJURY. THE KNEE. YOU'VE HAD IT SINCE BIRTH.
THEY'VE GOT ME THERE.

THERE'S APPARENTLY SOME ANONYMOUS GUY RUNNING AROUND TOWN LEAVING NOTES FOR PEOPLE.
NOTES? WHAT KIND OF--
Things
will get
better in
the world.
NOTEMAN IS SORELY NEEDED.