Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT. WHAT'S THIS?
IT'S MY NEW BUSINESS. I WILL SPY ON ANYONE FOR A NOMINAL FEE.
WHERE THEY LIVE. WHAT THEY DO. WHAT THEY SAY TO OTHERS. WHAT THEY LIKE. AND WHO THEY SOCIALIZE WITH.
ALL FOR THE LOW, LOW RATE OF TWO HUNDRED BUCKS AN HOUR.
I THINK THAT'S ALL FREE ON FACEBOOK.
THAT'S GONNA HURT MY BUSINESS MODEL.

I HEAR FROM RAT THAT YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE WITH YOUR EX.
YEAH. IT'S GETTING PRETTY UGLY.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU HAD AN EX.
WELL, HE DOES, YOU %$#@&% $#-$#@*.
AN 'X' CAN BE VERY DIFFICULT.
AN 'X' IS DIFFICULT? DO YOU KNOW 'Y'?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PIG?
I'M OFF TO SEE THE WISE ASS ON THE HILL. HIS CALM WISDOM SETTLES ME DOWN IN THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES.
OH, WISE --
I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS! THE WORLD'S IN AN AWFUL MESS! WE'RE SCREWED! SCREWED! SCREWED!
BAD NEWS.

I'VE DECIDED TO NO LONGER LET FEAR RULE MY LIFE.
GOOD FOR YOU.
INSTEAD I'LL CHOOSE REGRET.
NEVER MIND.
STILL BAD, BUT SO MUCH LESS SCARY.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW THESE BASEBALL PLAYERS JUST KEEP LOOKING YOUNGER AND YOUNGER?
NO, THEY DON'T. YOU JUST GET OLDER AND OLDER.
THEN I DECIDED TO NEVER WATCH SPORTS AGAIN.

I'M SO TIRED OF DUMB PEOPLE RUINING MY LIFE.
DON'T GET DOWN. YOU CAN ALWAYS GO TO THAT SMART CITY.
WHAT SMART CITY?
CLEVER LAND.
CLEVELAND.
SORRY TO RUIN YOUR PLAN.
THEY'VE GOTTA BE SMARTER THAN AVERAGE.

- GREAT JOB
- BIG SALARY
- HUGE HOUSE
- EARLY RETIREMENT
WHAT IS ALL THAT?
THIS THING WHERE YOU WRITE DOWN ALL THAT YOU WANT IN LIFE. IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE IT. HERE, TRY FOR YOURSELF.
I think
I just
want to
be loved.
I HATE WHEN OTHERS HAVE MORE CLARITY THAN ME.

PENCIL STORE
PEN STORE
IDEA STORE
IDEA STORE
CLOSED
OUT OF BUSINESS
DON'T FORGET
THE LIFE O'
WRITERS
THE FLAW IN THE SYSTEM.
IS THE SELF-LOATHING STORE NEXT?
I LOATHE MYSELF! CAN I BE A WRITER?

HEY, PIG. DID YOU EVER LOOK INTO HIRING PRIVATE SECURITY TO PROTECT OUR HOUSE? THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS GETTING TOO DANGEROUS.
YEAH, BUT IT WAS EXPENSIVE, SO I HIRED A GUY WHO WAS A LITTLE CHEAPER.
WHO'D YOU GET?
THE PILLOW MAN FEARS NO ONE.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD SPEND MORE MONEY.

I JUST SEEM TO BE GETTING LESS AND LESS PRODUCTIVE WITH MY TIME.
I USED TO BE THAT WAY, TOO. THEN I STARTED DOING VISUALIZATION. YOU JUST VISUALIZE WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE AND SOMEHOW IT HAPPENS.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO VISUALIZE?
NAPPING.
I'M SLIGHTLY MORE AMBITIOUS.
OH, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.

DO YOU EVER BECOME CONSCIOUS OF YOUR TONGUE? WHERE IT IS IN YOUR MOUTH? WHAT IT'S DOING? HOW IT FEELS?
NOT REALLY. BUT I AM NOW.
AS ARE MILLIONS OF READERS WHOSE MORNINGS I'VE NOW DERAILED.
THAT SEEMS UNFAIR.
ITH WHY I THON'T READ THE COMICTH THANYMORE.

LISTEN TO THIS GREAT ETHICS QUESTION... FIVE PEOPLE ARE TIED TO A RAILROAD TRACK. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO FLIP A SWITCH, AND THEREBY DIVERTING A TRAIN AND SAVING THEIR LIVES...
BUT - IF YOU DO - YOU KILL A GUY WHO IS STANDING ON ANOTHER TRACK. WHAT DO YOU DO?
I'D NEED MORE INFO.
LIKE WHAT?
AM I IN THE MIDDLE OF PLAYING CANDY CRUSH?
MAYBE YOU'RE THE WRONG GUY TO ASK.
IF SO, PEOPLE ARE GONNA DIE.

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST DOING SOME STRETCHING WHILE WATCHING T.V. I LOVE WATCHING T.V. AND I THINK IT COUNTS AS EXERCISE.
IT'S ONLY EXERCISE IF YOU DREAD IT BEFORE IT HAPPENS AND HATE IT WHILE IT'S HAPPENING.
YOU'VE CONVINCED ME TO JUST EAT CHEESE PUFFS.

TODAY IS GONNA BE TERRIBLE. GIMME A LARGE COFFEE TO GET THROUGH IT.
HERE YOU GO.
BIGGER.
HERE YOU GO.
BIGGER!
HERE YOU GO.
THESE ARE THE DAYS I AVOID HIM.

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HAVING A MEETING OF MY SELF-ESTEEM CLUB. WE HELP EACH OTHER GAIN CONFIDENCE.
WHO'S IN IT?
WELL, MY FRIEND QUINCY. BUT WE CALL HIM ‘Q.’ WHEN HE ENTERS WE ALL SHOUT ‘RAH’ TO CHEER HIM UP.
THEN THERE'S MY PAL WIL. HE LIKES TO HEAR PEOPLE SAY ‘YES’ TO EVERYTHING. BUT HE'S FRENCH, SO WE SAY ‘OUI.’
WELL, IF YOU WANT, I CAN HELP GREET THEM WHEN THEY COME IN. TELL ME AGAIN WHAT WE'LL DO WITH EACH OF THEM.
WE WILL ‘OUI’ WIL, ‘RAH’ Q.
YOU SHOULD HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM AT ALL.

HOW'S IT GOING, PIG?
GREAT. I'M HAVING A TERRIFIC MORNING. AND ALL BECAUSE I HAVEN'T CHECKED THE NEWS ON MY PHONE ONCE.
NOT ONCE. BECAUSE I'M HAPPY WHEN I DON'T. AND I DON'T NEED TO. I LOVE THE OUTDOORS. AND I--
WHY DO I DO THAT?

Today's Edition:
You photograph well.
So cameras make me look better than I actually do?
I gotta go.
That is sooo helpful.
For an average mind, you catch on quick.

I JUST HAD ONE OF THE MOST TRAGIC THINGS HAPPEN TO ME THAT CAN EVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE.
OH, GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?
I FOUND A HOLE IN MY FAVORITE SOCK.
PERSPECTIVE CAN BE A DIFFICULT THING.

HI. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
UH. JUST WONDERING. DOES THE STAR OF "GODFATHER 2" HAVE A BROTHER NAMED CAP?
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AL PACINO?
YES.
SO HIS BROTHER WOULD BE... CAP PACINO.
GET IT?
I’VE BEEN BANNED FROM OUR CAFÉ.

OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, WHY IS IT THAT I GET DEPRESSED IF I DON'T STAY BUSY?
TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK.
SO?
SO THE MORE I THINKY, MY MOOD STARTS TO STINKY.
HE'S EITHER BRILLIANT OR PLAGIARIZING FROM DR. SEUSS.

HEY, RAT, IF YOU'RE NOT BUSY TOMORROW, I'M HAVING A LITTLE MEET AND GREET AT MY HOUSE.
I'LL COME BY, BUT I WON'T DO A MEET AND GREET.
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
A SEE AND FLEE.
DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS A THING.
I JUST WAVE FROM THE PORCH.

I'M SO ANGRY AT YOUR SIDE.
US? LOOK AT YOU.
CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO THIS COUNTRY?
WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T EVEN GET THROUGH TO YOU.
YOU DON'T EVEN TRY TO LISTEN TO ME.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY RULED BY YOU MORONS.
TELL ME ABOUT IT, JERK.
THINK THEY DIED FOR THIS?
NO.
WE CAN PROBABLY DO BETTER.
WE FINALLY AGREE.

I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN.
I'M A GUEST AT A PARTY I DIDN'T ASK TO COME TO.
AND YET THE TREATMENT OF ME HAS BEEN LESS THAN STELLAR!
IF I'D KNOWN THIS WAS A PARTY, I WOULD'VE DANCED A WHOLE LOT MORE.

I HAVE A NEW MOTTO. WANT TO SEE?
SURE.
THAT'S GREAT.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.
IT'S A GIVEN.
NEVER MIND.
REMOVES A LOT OF PRESSURE.

The key to a fulfilling life
is to take real chances,
embrace risk. For we
are all too afraid of the
unknown.
Hey, Pig, I forgot
to ask... Do you
want ranch or
vinaigrette?
You
pick.
That was exhilarating.