Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Employer,
I am writing regarding your announcement that we all have to stop working from home and return to the office.
Perhaps you think the office is better because I won't get my work done if I remain at home.
Wrong.
I don't get my work done anywhere.
I WONDER IF THAT'S YOUR BEST ARGUMENT.
P.S. DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE AND SHOW YOU!

HEY, NEIGH-BOR BOB. DID YOU GET THE VACCINE YET?
HEY. NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT I THINK IT'S KIND OF CROSSING A LINE TO ASK SOMEONE THEIR VACCINATION STATUS.
CROSSING A LINE? YOU WANT TO TALK CROSSING A LINE?
JAB
THE GOOD NEWS IS HE'S NOW VACCINATED.

PANDEMIC'S OVER! OFF WITH THE MASK!
PANDEMIC'S BACK! ON WITH THE MASK!
PANDEMIC'S OVER! OFF WITH THE MASK!
PANDEMIC'S BACK! ON WITH THE MASK!
GOD HELP US!--WE'RE STUCK IN A TIME LOOP!
I WANT OUT! I WANT OUT!

WHERE'S
PIG TODAY?
OUT DOING ALL THE STUFF HE COULDN'T DO DURING THE LAST EIGHTEEN MONTHS BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT THAT WELL.
Let's touch tongues

CAN I HELP YOU SIR?

YEAH. VANILLA LATTE.
CAN I GET A NAME?
YEAH. SAYS A LOT OF EMBARRASSMENT.
YOUR NAME ISN'T BOOB. IT'S STEPHAN.
YEAH. BOOB'S JUST MY COFFEE NAME.
WHAT'S A COFFEE NAME?
IT'S A NAME THAT'S EASIER TO SPELL THAN YOUR OWN, THAT WAY THEY DON'T SCREW IT UP.
HOW SMART.
GOT A VANILLA LATTE HERE FOR "BOOB."
LET'S GO HOME NOW.
HEY, THIS YOU, WEIRDO?

RAT CALCULATED THAT HE LOSES HOURS A DAY GOING TO THE CAFE FOR VANILLA LATTES.
HE MUST DRINK A LOT OF LATTES.
YEAH, BUT HE'S WORKING ON AN ARRANGE-MENT WITH THE CAFE TO GET THE LATTES DELIVERED TO HIM.
WHAT'S THE ARRANGE-MENT?
I MAY HAVE AN ADDICTION.

DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A DRINK CALLED "PASTIS"?
YEAH. IT'S AN APERITIF FROM FRANCE. SORTA TASTES LIKE BLACK LICORICE.
RIGHT.
BUT IT'S NOT IN ANY WAY ASSOCIATED WITH YOU?
OH... NO.
WHY?
OKAY, GUYS, IT'S NOT UTTER CRAP THAT'LL CAUSE YOU TO SPOUT STUPID PUNS!
I FEEL SET UP.
OH, THANK GOD.
I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS OVER.

HOW DO WE KNOW THAT ALL SPECIES EVOLVE?
IT’S BEEN PROVEN.
BY WHAT?
GOOFY CAN TALK. PLUTO CANNOT.
SO OBVIOUS.
NOT THE PROOF.
GOOFY: PANTS. PLUTO: NO PANTS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
JUST HAD A BIG FIGHT WITH MY WIFE. SOMETIMES I DON'T GET ANYTHING SHE DOES.
Take a breath. You love her and she loves you.
NOTEMAN HEALS ALL.

ACME HEALTH INSURANCE...
HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?
YES, UH... YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR THE SURGERY I HAD ON MY KNEE.
RIGHT. THAT WAS A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION.
NO. I JUST INJURED MY KNEE LAST MONTH..
NOT THE INJURY. THE KNEE. YOU'VE HAD IT SINCE BIRTH.
THEY'VE GOT ME THERE.

THERE'S APPARENTLY SOME ANONYMOUS GUY RUNNING AROUND TOWN LEAVING NOTES FOR PEOPLE.
NOTES? WHAT KIND OF--
Things
will get
better in
the world.
NOTEMAN IS SORELY NEEDED.

I'VE DECIDED THAT TO PROTECT MYSELF, I'M GONNA KEEP WEARING A MASK ON MY FACE.
WHAT FOR?
TO BE SAFE.
BUT THE CITY SAYS WE DON'T HAVE TO.
WHO CARES WHAT THEY SAY? THERE'S AN EPIDEMIC OUT THERE. AND WITH A MASK, YOU LESSEN YOUR CHANCE OF EXPOSURE AND PREVENT NEEDLESS SUFFERING.
MAKES SENSE.
OF COURSE IT MAKES SENSE. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, OPEN ANY SOCIAL MEDIA NEWS FEED.
IT'S OPEN.
AND I'M NOT BEING EXPOSED TO ANY OF IT.
THIS IS SO MUCH SAFER.
STUPIDITY: HELP STOP THE SPREAD.

SELF-IMPROVEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
Describe a problem in your life:
Other people sometimes make me feel bad about myself.
Now propose a possible solution:
Never leave home.
THIS MAY SOLVE EVERYTHING.

HEY, GOAT, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T RESPOND TO MY MESSAGE ON FACEBOOK?
I DID. I RESPONDED WITH A THUMBS-UP.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO MERIT HIM TYPING WORDS.
I DESERVE BETTER.
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
GREAT FOR ENDING TEDIOUS CHATS.

HEY, LARRY, I'M MAKING HOT DOGS. DO YOU WANT REGULAR MUSTARD OR DIJON?
YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING. I'M GUESSING IT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT DIJON IS.
You wrong.
WHEN DERE IS BREAK IN DEE GAME, ME GO TO DEE JOHN.
I'LL SAY REGULAR.
Yeah. Me pretty regular.

AHHHHH!! EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS FALLING APART! RUN FOR THE HILLS!
CAN'T RUN FOR THE HILLS!! THE HILLS ARE ON FIRE!!
IT'S SAD WHEN THERE'S NOWHERE TO RUN.

Hullo, zeeba neighba. Whut you reading?
A BOOK FOR MY NEXT BOOK CLUB MEETING CALLED 'EAT, PRAY, LOVE.'
Sound gud.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
Me eat prey. Love.
Sound like me no invited to meeting.

HEY, PIG, IF YOU'RE GONNA INVITE YOUR MOM TO LUNCH, YOU SHOULD CALL HER SOON.
CAN'T. IPHONE'S BEING FIXED.
HERE, JUST USE MINE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I DON'T KNOW ANYONE'S PHONE NUMBER.
WE DON'T OWN SMARTPHONES. SMARTPHONES OWN US.
UNIVERSE! CALL MOM!

THE WORLD'S OPENING BACK UP! THE WORLD'S OPENING BACK UP!
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FIRST?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW!
MAYBE EAT ALL MY FAVORITE FOODS!
OR PLAY GAMES WITH FRIENDS!
OR SEE ALL THE LATEST MOVIES!
OR SHOP FOR ALL NEW STUFF!
ALL STUFF YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO DO FROM HOME, BUT WITHOUT THE CROWDS AND THE TRAFFIC!
I MAY STAY HERE FOREVER.

WELL, I TOOK YOUR WEIGHT LOSS ADVICE AND STARTED EATING MUCH SMALLER DINNERS AT NIGHT.
THAT'S GREAT. IS IT HARD?
NOT REALLY, 'CAUSE IF I GET HUNGRY, I JUST EAT A GALLON OF ICE CREAM BEFORE BED.
ODDLY, I'M NOT LOSING WEIGHT.

I'VE CONCLUDED THERE'S TOO MUCH DIVISION IN THIS COUNTRY, SO I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH A LIST OF VALUES AND BELIEFS WE CAN ALL AGREE ON.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
Hatred of people who whistle.
IT'S THE ONE UNIFYING PRINCIPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TEXTING PHOTOS OF MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT, TRICKY DICK NIXON, TO PEOPLE.
DO YOU THINK OTHER PEOPLE REALLY WANT YOUR PICS?
OH, HECK, NO.
THIS ART FORM IS SO DARN RESTRICTIVE.
WHAT IS HE, ANTI-NIXON?

HEY, STEPHAN, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET BOB. HE'S YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN.
OH. YEAH? AND WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
HE'S THE ONLY ONE.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST WALK INTO.
NOT SUCCESS. THAT SEEMS FAR AWAY.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CALCULATE YOUR NET WORTH?
NO. BUT I THINK I COULD.
WHAT IS IT?
I'M A GOOD FRIEND WHO'S ALWAYS WILLING TO HELP YOU.
IT'S USUALLY STATED IN TERMS OF MONEY.
I'D GIVE YOU THAT, TOO.

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
THIS BOOK ON ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHEN PEOPLE CLAIM TO BE SMART, BUT THEY'RE NOT.
I KNOW SOME OF THEM.
NEVER MIND.
THEY CAN REALLY RUIN YOUR DAY.