Pearls Before Swine | Search

HI. I'D LIKE A ROOM.
SINGLE?
I AM. AND WOW, YOU ARE THE FIRST WOMAN TO HIT ON ME IN YEARS.
SHE MEANT SINGLE ROOM OR DOUBLE ROOM.
DON'T CROWD ME. WE'RE HAVING A MOMENT.

COVID JOURNAL
DAY 211: Today was incredibly exciting.
REALLY?
NO. I JUST NEEDED TO VARY THINGS.
DAY 204: Sat here.
DAY 205: Sat here.
DAY 206: Sat here.
DAY 207: Sat here.
DAY 208: Sat here.
DAY 209: Sat here.
DAY 210: Sat here.
MAYBE JOURNALING WAS A BAD IDEA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
THE GOVERNMENT SAID THEY DON'T WANT US DRINKING ANY MORE BEER, SO TO STAND UP FOR OUR RIGHTS, I BOUGHT A KEG.
BUT THE GOVERNMENT DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I KNOW, BUT I LIKE TO COUCH MY BAD HABITS AS PATRIOTISM.
THAT MUST BE A NICE WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE.
WHAT? THEY'RE BANNING CANNOLIS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE, PIG?
I CAN FLY NOW!
IT ALLOWS ME TO GO TO ALL THE SAME PLACES I USED TO GO AND STILL SEE EVERYONE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE!
REALLY?
NOPE.

HOW'S EVERY- THING BEEN GOING WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS?
WELL, THE GUY NEXT DOOR TO US HAS BEEN MAKING A HUGE RACKET EVERY NIGHT.
WHAT A JERK.
WHY'S THAT MAKE ME A JERK?
THEY CALL THESE DAD JOKES NOW.
YES, I'M THE FATHER OF WIT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, PIG?
GETTING READY TO FACE THE DAY.
IT TAKES A LOT MORE NOW.

BOB COULD NOT TAKE ONE MORE ZOOM CALL.
THE BORING REPORTS.
OUR THIRD QUARTER INCREASE WAS...
THE SHOWY SPEECHES.
AFTER WORKING THE ENTIRE WEEKEND, I...
THE POINTLESS DISCUSSIONS.
HELVETICA FONT COULD BE BETTER HERE.
SO, LOOKING AT THE SCREEN, BOB SNAPPED.
HERE'S THE STORY OF A LOVELY LADY! (4)
THINK ANYONE UNDER THIRTY WILL GET THE REFERENCE?
I DON'T CARE. I MISS MARCIA.
MARCIA! MARCIA! MARCIA!

THIS FORM IS ASK- ING ABOUT MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION, BUT I'M NOT SURE.
YOU'RE NOT SURE OF YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION?
WELL, I GUESS I FACE EAST.
YEAH. PUT DOWN EAST.
SOMETIMES SOUTH BY SOUTHEAST.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
I'M NOT.
THEN WHY ARE YOU SMILING?
I'M FOOLING MYSELF.
THAT MAKES LIFE SO MUCH EASIER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK TAKES THE MOST COURAGE... SKYDIVING, BUNGEE JUMPING OR HANG GLIDING?
I THINK THAT RIGHT NOW JUST FACING THE DAY TAKES COURAGE.
I HATE IT WHEN HE MAKES SENSE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?

Me see on social media news feed that virus come from guy's nipples.

IT SPREADS FROM THE AIR YOU EXHALE.

OH.

Me not know me exhale from nipples.
GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA, LARRY.

You know air come from nipples?

CAREFUL YOU NO SUFFOCATE.

DID YOU SEE THIS STORY SOMEONE POSTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA THAT THE VIRUS CAN EMANATE FROM A GUY'S NIPPLES?
WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T GET YOUR NEWS FROM SOCIAL MEDIA.
OH, PLEASE...WHO DO YOU STILL KNOW THAT BELIEVES ALL THE NEWS ON THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA NEWS FEED?
WHOA, GUYS. WHERE ARE YOUR NIPPLE GUARDS?
THIS IS A VERY DEPRESSING AGE.

WELL, GOOD MORNING, SUN! WILL TODAY BE A GREAT DAY?
LEMME PEEK ABOVE THE HORIZON A LITTLE AND--
OH, BOY.
THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A GOOD SIGN.

DEAR GOAT,
RAT AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
THE VIRUS, THE VIOLENCE.
THE GREED, THE NEED.
THE HEAT, THE HATE.
SO WE'VE DECIDED TO MOVE
SOMEPLACE BETTER. SOMEPLACE WITHOUT ALL THAT. WE'LL LET
YOU KNOW WHERE WE FIND IT.
I WAS HOPING
FOR SOMEPLACE
WITH A BETTER
VIEW.
HOPE YOU
BROUGHT YOUR
OWN BEER.

The man spotted his suit jacket hanging from the cliff.
So he grabbed the jacket and put it on.
Leaving only the hanger.
THE END.
CLIFF HANGER ENDING.
YOUR CAREER NEEDS AN ENDING ENDING.

AS THERE IS NOW NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANY OF THE DAYS, I AM ELIMINATING THE WORDS "MONDAY," "TUESDAY," "WEDNESDAY," "THURSDAY," "FRIDAY," "SATURDAY," AND "SUNDAY."
INSTEAD, WE WILL NOW JUST CALL EVERY DAY "DAYDAY."
FOR EXAMPLE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING NEXT DAYDAY?"
"OH, THE THING I DID LAST DAYDAY."
I HATE DAYDAYS.

Becoming a Better Writer
Compelling fiction writing is often based on personal experience.
Today I stayed in my house. Later I went to bed.
THIS IS A BAD TIME FOR WRITERS.

WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR RACE AGAINST LARRY FOR VILLAGE IDIOT?
WE BOTH LOST.
HOW COULD YOU BOTH LOSE?
VOTE COUNT
Pig: 0
Larry: 0
Vodka good: 174,523
STUPID RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE.
I DIDN’T KNOW BOOZE WAS AN OPTION.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? PANDEMICS? NATURAL DISASTERS? VIOLENT CRIME? NUCLEAR WAR?
JUST ONE SENTENCE.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU GET THE GOVERNMENT YOU DESERVE.
GUESS WHO JUST FOUND OUT THERE'S AN ELECTION TODAY?
AN ELECTION FOR WHAT?
MAYBE I'LL LIVE ON AN ISLAND.

ADVICE FROM TWO GUYS WHO ARE JUST AS SCARED OF THESE TIMES AS YOU
RUN FOR THE HILLS!!
ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER.
HE'S NOT REALLY RUNNING.

OH GREAT BOX O' ANSWERS. OUR GOVERNMENT IS A MESS. NO ONE HAS A CLUE. WHAT IS THE ANSWER?
NO.
WELL... ARE YOU INVOLVED IN ANY GROUPS?
NO.
DO YOU GO TO ANY RALLIES?
NO.
DO YOU READ UP ON ISSUES?
NO.
DO YOU WRITE YOUR REPRESENTATIVE?
NO.
DO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF YOUR REPRESENTATIVE?
NO.
DO YOU EVEN VOTE?
NO.
STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP
IT HAD NO ANSWERS.

WHERE'S GUARD DUCK LATELY? I DON'T SEE HIM IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE ANYMORE.
OH, HE HAS A DIFFERENT ASSIGNMENT NOW.
MORE IMPORTANT THAN GUARDING YOUR HOUSE?
IT APPEARS THAT WAY.
NO RUSSIANS WILL MESS WITH MY DEMOCRACY.

HOW'S YOUR CAMPAIGN FOR VILLAGE IDIOT AGAINST LARRY THE CROC GOING
NOT GOOD BUT THEN WE HEARD FACEBOOK WILL RUN POLITICAL ADS EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT TRUE SO WE STARTED RUNNING ADS ABOUT HIM
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING
LARRY CAN READ
THAT'S DEFAMATORY
WE THINK IT WILL RUIN HIM

HOW'S YOUR RACE FOR VILLAGE IDIOT GOING?
NOT GOOD, ACCORDING TO THE POLLING.
What are your thoughts on the race for village idiot?
I think Pig is best: 4%
I think Larry is best: 4%
I think all of the
candidates in all the
races are village idiots: 92%
IT'S A FAIR POINT.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'M RUNNING FOR VILLAGE IDIOT AND I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
WELL... HOW STUPID ARE YOU?
I BOUGHT GLUTEN-FREE FOOD BECAUSE IT SOUNDED LIKE A GREAT DEAL ON GLUETNS.
YOU HAVE MY VOTE.
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.