Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE IMMORTAL?
IT MEANS YOU LIVE FOREVER.
SO ALL THESE BACK PAINS AND JOINT PAINS, WHICH HAVE GOTTEN WORSE AS I AGE, WILL GET SO BAD THAT LIFE ITSELF WILL BE ONE LONG SUSTAINED MOMENT OF AGONY?
WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY...
IMMORTALITY BETTER COME WITH NEW KNEES!

HEY, RAT, YOU GONNA TAKE DOWN THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?
YOU BET.
GONNA TAKE DOWN THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?
YOU BET.
GONNA TAKE DOWN THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?
YOU BET.
ARE YOU GONNA TAKE DOWN THE LIGHTS OR NOT?
FINE.
LOOK AT YOU PUTTING UP YOUR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS EARLY. GOOD FOR YOU.
PROCRASTINATION IS THE KEY TO TIME MANAGEMENT.

WHO'S AT THE DOOR?
A GUY WHO SAYS YOU WERE WRONG IN YESTERDAY'S STRIP ABOUT THE AFRICAN ANIMAL WHO KILLS THE MOST HUMANS. HE SAYS IT'S HIM, AND HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
WHERE IS HE?
RIGHT HERE, PAL. I'M A MOSQUITO. AND JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T PAY CASH TO SEE US ON SAFARI DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T EXIST.
MOSQUITOES ARE MORE SENSITIVE THAN YOU'D THINK.
SOUNDS LIKE A BAD SAFARI.
STILL HERE, GUYS.

HEY, PIG, WHO'S AT THE DOOR?
THE DEADLIEST ANIMAL IN ALL OF AFRICA.
OH, MY GOODNESS... SO IT'S GOTTA BE LIONS? TIGERS? CHEETAHS?
WE GET NO RESPECT.

HULLOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA. LEESTEN. GOOD BOOK SAYS YOU IS HAVE TO DIE. ME SORRY. BUT GOOD BOOK SAY SO.
THE GOOD BOOK BEING THE BIBLE.?
NO. GOOD BOOK CHARLIE WRITE CALLED 'DIE, ZEEBA, DIE.'
HE NO THINK BOOK GOOD.

WHOA. LOOK AT THAT GNU ON NEIGHBOR BOB'S LAWN. AND THERE'S ANOTHER ONE. ARE THEY REAL? BECAUSE IF SO, THAT'S REALLY INCREDIBLE.
FAKE GNUS! SAD.
YOU'RE THE SADDEST PART OF THE COMICS PAGE.

HELLO. YES. YOU REFUSED TO PAY FOR FIVE OF MY LAST SIX MEDICAL PROCEDURES.
OH, MY. THAT'S NOT GOOD. CAN YOU GIVE US SOME INFORMATION?
SURE.
WHY THE HECK DID WE PAY FOR THAT ONE?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY HELPING.
NO, REALLY. WE'LL FIRE THE GUY.

Things I look forward to today:
TRAFFIC!
I'M TRYING TO REVERSE JINX MY LIFE.

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CHECKING IN ALL THESE COUPLES FOR THEIR RECEPTION PARTY. THEY'RE HERE TO GET MARRIED.
WHAT ARE THOSE STARS BY SOME OF THE NAMES ON YOUR CHECK-IN LIST?
THOSE ARE THE ONES WHO'VE ALREADY GOTTEN MARRIED. I'M SUPPOSED TO KEEP A COUNT.
I CAN COUNT THEM IF YOU NEED HELP.
OH, SURE. THANKS.
ONE... TWO... THREE... FOUR.
UH OH. DON'T COUNT THOSE UNMARRIED ONES.
DON'T DO WHAT NOW?
DON'T COUNT YOUR CHECK-INS BEFORE THEY'RE HITCHED.
COUNT THAT, CARTOON BOY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY EAR BUDS?
YEAH, THESE. THE SOUND IS PRETTY GOOD.
I MEANT LITTLE BUDDIES WHO LIVE IN YOUR EAR AND TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU DO IS GREAT.
NOT SURE HOW ONE GETS THOSE.
YOU JUST NEED TO BE DISTURBED LIKE ME.

I LOVE HOW ANYONE CAN
JUST USE THEIR TWITTER
FEED TO DISSEMINATE
NEWS NOW.
MAKES UP FOR NO LONGER
GETTING THE NEWSPAPER.
WE WENT FROM PEOPLE WHO
ARE TRAINED TO GATHER
NEWS TO PEOPLE WHO KNOW
NOTHING. WHAT COULD GO
WRONG?
I DON'T
HAVE TIME
FOR SNOOTY
SARCASM.
YOU'RE
TOO BUSY
BEING
INFORMED.

SINCE WHEN DID YOU START APPEARING REGULARLY ON N.P.R.?
I WASN'T ON N.P.R.
BUT I HEARD THEM SAY YOUR NAME.
OH, THAT'S STEFAN FATSIS. OUR NAMES SOUND A LOT ALIKE. HE WROTE THAT WORD FREAK BOOK.
OH, THANK GOD.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT YOU SOUNDED SMART.
WE ARE BOTH ACCOMPLISHED STEFANS!
STEFANS.

SIR, CONGRESS HAS PASSED A NEW STIMULUS BILL THAT WILL HELP MILLIONS OF PEOPLE. IT JUST NEEDS YOUR SIGNATURE.
How much zeeba meat me get?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT INCLUDES ANY ZEERA MEAT FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
VETO
No wonder everyone hate Congress.

LARRY, WHAT TIME ARE YOU COMING HOME TONIGHT?
YATE, WOOMUN, ME PRESIDENT OF UNITIED STATES NOW.
WHAT DO YOU STILL HAVE TO DO?
ME GOTTA STOP BY TREASURY, GET ARMFUL OF MONIES.
SIR, THAT'S NOT YOUR MONEY. IT BELONGS TO THE COUNTRY.
ME WANT QUIT JOB.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ANYMORE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO REPLACED ME. I MEAN, WITH ALL THAT'S GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY, WHAT ARE THEIR PRIORITIES?
KEEL Zeebas.

THIS TOWN NEEDS A NEW ROAD.
YES IT DOES.
THE FIRST THING WE SHOULD DO IS CALL EACH OTHER NAMES.
MORON!
LOSER!
FATFACE!
JERK!
NOW WHAT?
NOW I GUESS WE PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FACE.
HEY GUYS... DID YOU FIX THE ROAD?
UH, FORGOT.
THIS HAS BEEN
ANOTHER EPISODE OF...
THE NATION'S TWO-PARTY SYSTEM
I DON'T LIKE THIS SHOW.
TOO BAD. IT'S THE ONLY CHANNEL.
AWWW. PUNCHING CAN BE SO PRODUCTIVE.

AND THEN NEIGHBOR BOB GOES, "OH, YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA TOUCH MY HEDGES?"
NO HE DIDN'T. I WAS THERE. THOSE AREN'T THE WORDS HE USED. THAT WASN'T HIS TONE. AND YOU LEFT OUT THE RUDE THING THAT YOU SAID BEFORE THAT.
YOU'RE RUINING PERFECTLY GOOD GOSSIP.
SORRY FOR THINKING ACCURACY MATTERED.
HAVE YOU NEVER GOSSIPED BEFORE?
WE SHOULD DISCUSS GOAT WHEN HE LEAVES.

WITH PRESIDENT RAT TOPPLED BY A MILITARY COUP, HISTORIANS MOVE TO PRESERVE HIS PRESIDENTIAL PAPERS.
WHERE ARE THEY?
IN THIS BOX HERE.
ONE BOX?
ONE DOCUMENT.
CRUSH THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
WILL BE HARD TO BUILD A LIBRARY AROUND.
OH, AND HE CARVED "I AM KING" ON THE DESK.

PRESIDENT RAT IS BEING OUSTED BY A MILITARY COUP.
FINE, FINE. I'LL LEAVE, BUT BEFORE I GO, HOW 'BOUT GIVING ME A PEN SO I CAN WRITE A CONCILIATORY NOTE FOR THE INCOMING PRESIDENT?
SURE.
I HEREBY PARDON MYSELF FOR
I WAS GETTING TO THE CONCILIATORY PART.

THE COUP IS UNDERWAY
SIR, ON BEHALF
OF THE MILITARY,
I'M REMOVING YOU
FROM OFFICE.
WHAT FOR?
YOU'RE A
BIT OF A LOON.
HA ! YOU CAN'T
REMOVE ME.
I HAVE MY ELITE
GUARD UNITS!
GUARDS! GUARDS!
THEY WON'T
BE COMING
TO YOUR
AID, SIR.
I BRIBED
THEM.
BRIBED THEM!
WHAT KIND OF
EXTRAORDINARY
BRIBE COULD
BREAK THEIR
LOYALTY TO ME?
Okay... How we split
Cinnabon?

HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S THE MOVIE ‘APOCALYPSE NOW’ ABOUT?
THIS GUY GOES CRAZY WITH POWER OVER ALL THESE PEOPLE, SO THE MILITARY SENDS A SOLDIER TO REMOVE HIM.
HOW COME?
NO REASON.

HEY, CARTOON BOY. YOU HAD ME BECOME PRESIDENT A FEW YEARS AGO AND THEN COMPLETELY DROPPED THE STORYLINE.
I DID?
YEAH, SO DO SOME STRIPS AND HAVE ME GET RE-ELECTED AND MAKE ME ALL-POWERFUL.
RAT: THE OVERTHROW
NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR.
FUNNIER THIS WAY.

Hey, Junior... Want play game? Me crush you face een Monopoly.
Oh, yeah... You watching TV... You mebbe watch too much. But dat okay. We can watch.
Oh, right. You is playing outside today.
HE KNOWS YOUR SON MOVED AWAY TO SCHOOL, RIGHT?
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME. IT'S REAL.
HAHA. HE PROBLEE HIDING IN GARAGE.

WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG, YOUR GREAT GRAND-
PARENTS DIE. AND YOU'RE SAD. THEN
LATER YOUR GRANDPARENTS DIE. AND
YOU'RE SAD AGAIN. THEN YOUR PARENTS
DIE, AND YOU'RE REALLY SAD.
BUT THEN YOU REACH THIS AGE WHERE
DEATH HAS TAKEN ALL OF YOUR FORE-
BEARERS. AND THERE'S THIS CALM
BECAUSE YOU REALIZE THERE'S NO ONE
ELSE IT CAN TAKE FROM YOU.
WHICH
IS WHEN
IT'S YOUR
TURN.
IT'S
ALWAYS
SOMETHING.

WELCOME BACK TO THE OFFICE!
IF WE CAN NO LONGER DO WORK AT HOME, I'M DOING HOME AT WORK.
GOOD NEWS... I NO LONGER HAVE TO DO WORK ANYWHERE.