Pearls Before Swine | Search

DID YOU LOOK FOR A JOB YESTERDAY?
I WANTED TO, BUT MY DISABILITY FLARED UP.
WHAT'S THE DISABILITY?
SOFTITIS.
WHAT IS IT?
AN ABNORMALLY STRONG DESIRE TO LIE ON ONE'S SOFA AND DO NOTHING.
PROBABLY NOT A DISABILITY.
OFTEN ACCOMPANIED BY BEERTOSIS GUZZLETIS.

HEY, THERE... CLEVER NAME FOR AN ICE CREAM SHOP... I'LL TAKE TWO.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
THANKS FOR HOLDING MY ICE CREAM.
WE MIGHT HAVE CONFUSED THIS GENTLEMAN.

CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
YEAH, BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE WILL BE NO TIP, BECAUSE YOU TOOK TWENTY MINUTES TO GET OVER HERE.
OKAY.
GREAT.
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW 'TIPS' IS 'SPIT' SPELLED BACKWARD.
I THINK I’LL SKIP FOOD.
I MAY HAVE STRATEGIZED POORLY.

AND WHAT CAN I GET YOU TWO TO DRINK?
GIVE US YOUR BEST WINE.
I HAAAAATE MY JOB... IT IS SOOOOOO BORING AND THE CUSTOMERS ARE SOOOOOOO STUPID...
WAITERS SHOULD ABSTAIN FROM ALL FORMS OF HUMOR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRACKING HOW MY LAST YEAR WENT.
AND?
WELL, COMPARED TO PRIOR YEARS, I FAILED AT THINGS A LOT FEWER TIMES.
WHAT WAS THE KEY?
ATTEMPTING THINGS A LOT FEWER TIMES.
I SEE.
TURNS OUT TRYING WAS THE BIG MISTAKE.

OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, WHO I RESPECT SO MUCH, IS IT TRUE THAT NEWS BROADCASTS WERE ONCE REQUIRED TO BE HONEST?
YES, IT WAS CALLED THE "FAIRNESS DOCTRINE" AND IT REQUIRED BROADCASTS TO PRESENT ISSUES OF PUBLIC IMPORTANCE IN A MANNER THAT WAS HONEST AND BALANCED.
THE GOVERNMENT GOT RID OF IT.
AND DID THAT MATTER IN TERMS OF PEOPLE GETTING RELIABLE INFORMATION?
IT'S ONE OF THE COMMUNIST DONKEYS USING PIZZA TO MICROCHIP OUR TOES!
DONKEYS ARE NO-GOOD COMMUNISTS.
I'LL TWEET THAT.
NO TOES FOR FOES!

OFTEN WHEN I WALK INTO A CAFE, THERE WILL BE ONE TABLE LEFT, BUT FIRST I HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE FOR MY COFFEE.
BUT WHILE I'M WAITING, SOME PERSON WHO CAME IN AFTER ME CLAIMS THE TABLE BEFORE THEY'VE EVEN GOTTEN THEIR COFFEE, IN EFFECT JUMPING THE LINE FOR TABLES.
AND THAT'S WHY I HATE PEOPLE!
YOU MIGHT BE TOO TIGHTLY WOUND.
REALLY, I SHOULD NEVER LEAVE HOME.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHY ARE WE PUT HERE ON EARTH?
TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
WHERE DOES ACQUIRING AS MUCH LOOT AS WE CAN COME IN?
IT DOESN'T.
ONE OF US HAS BEEN BADLY MISINFORMED.

LOOK AT THIS... A GROUP OF ZEBRAS IS CALLED A DAZZLE. THAT MAKES US SOUND SO FLASHY AND HIP. HOW 'BOUT HIPPOS? WHAT COOL NAME DID YOU GUYS GET?
A BLOAT.
SORRY.
NOTHING YEARS OF THERAPY CAN'T ERASE.

AND I THINK THAT
POLITICIAN IS
NUTS!!
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING
BOB?
SHOUTING INTO
A DEEP, DARK
WELL IN THE HOPE
OF INFLUENCING
OTHERS.
AND?
ODDLY,
IT'S NOT
WORKING.
I CALL IT
'SOCIAL
MEDIA
EXPLAINED.'
AWWW...
SHOUTING
AS ITS OWN
REWARD.

HOW MANY YEARS OLD ARE YOU, STEPH?
YOU KNOW, PIG, I DON'T THINK YEARS ARE A GOOD MEASUREMENT OF AGE.
OH, YOU MEAN IT'S BETTER TO GO BY EXPERIENCE OR WISDOM YOU'VE GAINED?
NUMBER OF TIMES YOU GO THE BATHROOM AT NIGHT.
HEY, TWO IS FINE.
WHOA. OLD.

MY BEST DAYS ARE AHEAD OF ME.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE IF THEY'VE PASSED, SOMEONE OWES ME A REFUND.
LIFE DOESN'T GIVE THEM.
CAN I AT LEAST GET MY DEPOSIT BACK?

Hey, Bob. How are you doing?
This is my Sue. He peacefully protested last night.
Hey, Sue. How are--
If you don't care about what's happening in China you're part of the problem.
This is my wife and me in Morocco. This is my wife and me in Vietnam. This is my wife and me in Thailand...
If you voted for that guy, you're a moron and never speak to me again!!
AHHHHHHHH
I don't want to go there.
And yet we do.
BAD APPS! BAD APPS!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU MAKE?
PIG, NEIGHBOR BOB DOESN'T WANT TO ANSWER A QUESTION LIKE THAT. IT'S NOT POLITE.
OH.
PLEASE, IF YOU WILL, TELL ME HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE, THANK YOU.
STILL DIDN'T ANSWER.

PARDON ME, BUT I'M WITH "PEOPLE FOR CONGRESSMAN BOB" AND I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS PAMPHLET.
ALSO, I LOVE THE LANDSCAPING. NICE, BIG SANDBOX FOR A YARD. YOU MUST HAVE KIDS, WHICH IS GOOD. MEANS YOU CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE.
ALSO, I SEE I'M SINKING. IS THIS BY CHANCE QUICKSAND?
IT IS.
WE'LL DO THIS EVERY ELECTION YEAR.

I RAISED ALL THIS CASH TO FUND A CAMPAIGN AGAINST OUR CURRENT CITY COUNCIL'S DUMB PROPOSALS. WE PUT UP BILLBOARDS THAT JUST SAY "OH, PULEASE."
HAVE THEY BEEN A SUCCESS?
NO. THEY'VE HAD NO IMPACT AT ALL. I'M THINKING OF NO LONGER FUNDING IT.
YOU WANT TO DEFUND THE PULEASE?
SINCE WHEN ARE PUNS A CRIME?
SINCE NOW.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
MY FRIEND TEXTED ME SAYING I SHOULD HANG OUT WITH HIM BECAUSE HE'S A LOT OF FUN.
AND I AGREED. SO I WANTED TO TEXT HIM BACK AND SAY, "ARE YOU EVER?"
SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
APPLE. FOR PLACING THE EXCLAMATION POINT SO CLOSE TO THE QUESTION MARK.
Are you ever!

NINETY-THREE PERCENT OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE EVER LIVED ARE NOW DEAD.
THIS PROVES ALL EFFORT IS FUTILE.
THAT'S ONE WAY OF LOOKING AT IT.
EFFORT IS FOR SUCKERS.

All the dogs I've ever owned rush out all at once and start licking my face as I laugh uncontrollably.
THEOLOGY QUIZ
DEFINE HEAVEN
I THINK TECHNICALLY I HAVE TO PASS HIM.

WHAT'S ALL THIS, RAT?
THE BOX O' REDEMPTION. IT'S FOR SINNERS WHO SEEK FORGIVENESS FOR THE WRONGS THEY'VE COMMITTED.
HOW'S IT WORK?
YOU JUST GET INSIDE.
AND ALL IS FORGIVEN?
YEP. WHY, JUST THIS MORNING I GOT REDEMPTION FOR MY IMPATIENCE WITH NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS DUMB POLITICAL OPINIONS.
MY OPINIONS ARE DUMB? HOW 'BOUT LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, PAL?
CRACK
ADMITTEDLY, THE SYSTEM CAN BE ABUSED.

ARE DUMB PEOPLE MULTIPLYING FASTER THAN SMART PEOPLE?
I DON’T THINK SO. WHY’S?
I’M JUST GETTING SOME REALLY HIGH READINGS ON MY INTERNAL METER O’ STUPIDOSTITY.
SUDDENLY SO AM I.
HE’S GOT SO MUCH SMARTITUDE.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I'VE BEEN DOING A TON OF RESEARCH AND READING DIFFERENT THINGS TO TRY AND DETERMINE THE KIND OF PEOPLE I'M MOST COMPATIBLE WITH.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT SO FAR?
NICE ONES
MEAN PEOPLE FINISHED POORLY.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
ON ANTISOCIAL MEDIA.
YOU MEAN 'SOCIAL.'
SO IT'S SOCIAL FOR ME TO SIT ALONE IN MY ROOM HURLING INSULTS AT TOTAL STRANGERS I'LL NEVER MEET?
LET ME RETHINK THIS.
MAYBE I'M MORE OF A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY THAN I THOUGHT.

RUSSIA
INVADES
UKRAINE!
HE NEVER DID LIKE BULLIES.
SLAVA UKRAINI!

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU SEEN MY LINE OF CLOTHING THAT SHOWS MY AWARENESS OF THE STATE JUST EAST OF MARYLAND?
I PUT IT ALL IN YOUR CLOSET.
YOU PUT MY DELAWARE-AWARE WEAR WHERE?
COMIC STRIPS SHOULDN'T MAKE PEOPLE ANGRY.