Pearls Before Swine | Search

Advice Of The Day:
Always be yourself.
Unless yourself is a jerkface.
Then always be someone else.
SOME ADVICE NEEDS TO BE TAILORED.

PIG, IT'S MONDAY MORNING. AREN'T YOU GONNA GET OUT OF BED AND GO TO WORK?
NO CHANCE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IN LIFE, THERE'S A 1 IN 112000 CHANCE OF BEING KILLED BY A VENDING MACHINE.
HIS EXCUSES ARE GETTING FLIMSIER.

I'M WAY TOO TIRED TO RUN THREE MILES TODAY. I'LL JUST DO ONE.
THAT WASN'T THAT BAD. WHAT IF I GO A LITTLE OVER ONE?
OKAY, ONE AND A HALF IS WITHIN REACH. I'LL JUST DO THAT AND STOP.
WELL, IF I CAN DO THAT, I CAN DO TWO AND CALL IT A DAY.
OKAY, TWO AND A HALF AND THAT'S IT.
TWO AND THREE QUARTERS AND THAT'S REALLY IT.
AW HECK. I'LL JUST DO THREE.
I LIE MORE TO MYSELF WHEN EXERCISING THAN I DO TO THE I.R.S.
I JUST LIE AND SAY I'M IN SHAPE.

WAKE UP, YOU LAZY TURD!!
I HAVE A RAISIN FOR GETTING UP IN THE MORNING.

I JUST POSTED A SERIES OF DEVASTATING TWEETS THAT'S GOT EVERYONE ON TWITTER ALL RILED UP.
AND WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN AS A RESULT ?
WHADDAYA MEAN ? EVERYONE'S ALL RILED UP.
BUT TO WHAT END ?
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME QUESTION MY WHOLE EXISTENCE.

WHAT'S THE
MATTER
WITH YOU
TODAY?
I'M
ANGRY.
ANGRY
OVER
WHAT?
THE FACT THAT THERE IS AN
L IN "COULD". DO YOU PRO-
NOUNCE THE "L"? I DON'T
PRONOUNCE THE "L". NO ONE
PRONOUNCES THE "L".
SHOULD
I HAVE
ARGUED?
I
WOULD
NOT.

HEY, PIG. I'M SORT OF AFRAID TO ASK BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT HER IN A WHILE, BUT IS EVERYTHING OKAY WITH YOUR GRANDMA?
OH, THANK YOU, GOAT. BUT YEAH, SHE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW.
OH MY GOODNESS. I'M SORRY, PIG. I'M SO, SO SORRY.
ODD REACTION TO GRANDMA BUYING A CONDO.

I'M NOT HAPPY WITH MY LIFE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MEGAPHONES ARE THE NEXT BEST THING TO THERAPY.
CHOOSE THERAPY INSTEAD.
TRIED. TOO EXPENSIVE.

HEY, RAT. IT'S ME, GOAT.
WONDERING IF YOU'RE GONNA JOIN US FOR OUR LITTLE GET-TOGETHER.
LOVE TO, BUT I'M AFRAID OF CATCHING COVID.
IT'S VIA ZOOM.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES.

SO THE PANDEMIC'S REALLY OVER THIS TIME?
YEP.
NO MORE NEW WAVES, NEW STRAINS, NEW LOCKDOWNS?
NOPE.
AND WE CAN PLAN AHEAD AGAIN? WEDDINGS, PARTIES, MEETINGS?
YEP YEP YEP.
AND WE CAN FINALLY ALL TRAVEL WHEREVER WE WANT AGAIN?
WHEREVER YOU WANT.
YOU PROMISE THIS TIME?
I PROMISE THIS TIME.
WHY DO I KEEP FALLING FOR IT?
YOU GOT ME, BLOCKHEAD.

HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY CAR KEYS?
WHERE DID YOU SEE THEM LAST?
OH, I NEVER THOUGHT TO LOOK IN THE PLACE I SAW THEM LAST.
SAID NOT ONE PERSON EVER WHEN ASKED THAT!!
OH. THEY ARE THERE.
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY COFFEE MUG?

ENTERING A STORE BEFORE 2020 WITH A MASK.
AHHHHH!
ENTERING A STORE AFTER 2020 WITHOUT A MASK.
AHHHHH!
LIFE. ALWAYS SCARY.
BEST TO NEVER LEAVE HOME.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS BONEY BONE NO. 2.
HE'S A CHEW TOY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO BONEY BONE NO. 1?
I BROUGHT HIM HERE TO THE DINER, BUT
HE GOT RIPPED TO SHREDS BY A DOG.
WELL, SOMEONE SURE GOT MOODY.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS BONEY BONE THE CHEW TOY. I FINALLY CONVINCED HIM TO GET OUT A LITTLE AND START EXPERIENCING THE WORLD.
YEAH, YOU CAN'T JUST LIVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE IN FEAR!
FEAR IS UNDERRATED.

HEY THERE, BONEY BONE THE CHEW TOY... WHY SO SAD?
BECAUSE MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE CONSISTS OF GETTING CHEWED UP BY DOGS WHO WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO TEAR THE SQUEAKER OUT MY CHEST.
CHEW TOYS ARE REAL DOWNERS.

REMEMBER WHEN EVERYONE HAD FOMO?
FEAR OF MISSING OUT?
YEAH, BUT NOW WITH ALL THIS STAYING AT HOME, THERE'S NOT MUCH TO MISS.
NOW IT'S ALL FOXY.
FOXY:)
FEAR OF LOSING YEARS.
HOLY FOXY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I COINED IT FIRST.

TEACHING GOAT HOW TO LOOK LIKE FRED FLINTSTONE. IT'S A SKILL OF MINE.
WHAT'S THE KEY?
THE HAIR. YOU COMB IT JUST RIGHT. BUT THEN YOU GOTTA BE SURE TO USE SOME 'MOUNTAIN DEW.'
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU POUR A CAN OF DEW IN A BOWL AND DAB YOUR FINGERS IN IT. THEN YOU RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR AND IT STICKS IN PLACE.
JUST COMBED IT. DOES IT LOOK RIGHT?
YEAH, BUT DAB A DEW.
WAY TO GO, BAMM-BAMM.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Reach all of my fitness goals.
Fitness Goals:
Get not that much fatter.
I LIKE TO KEEP THEM WITHIN REACH.

WELL, NO MORE BEING POOR FOR ME... I'M OFF TO BUY FIFTY BUCKS' WORTH OF LOTTERY TICKETS AT THE GROCERY STORE.
PIG, THE ODDS OF YOU WINNING ARE TERRIBLE. YOU'RE 20,000 TIMES MORE LIKEY TO GET HIT BY LIGHTNING.
OH. THEN I WON'T GO.
'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO WASTE YOUR MONEY?
I DON'T WANT TO GET HIT BY LIGHTNING.
LET'S START OVER.
NOW I'M POOR AND TERRIFIED.

Dear Oxford English Dictionary,
You recently declared the word of the year to be 'vax.'
This was in error.
The word of the year is 'crappo.' As in, 'This year was crappo.'
IT WAS LAST YEAR ALSO.

DO YOU EVER TRY TO IMPROVE THE KIND OF GUY YOU ARE?
SURE. RIGHT NOW I'M WORKING ON OVERCOMING JEALOUSY.
GOOD FOR YOU. HOW ARE YOU DOING IT?
BY BECOMING SO SUPERIOR TO OTHERS THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO BE JEALOUS OF.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT COUNTS.
YOU'RE JEALOUS I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST.

HEY GOODSON, DO YOU EVER WONDER WHAT YOUR LEGACY WILL BE AFTER YOU’RE GONE?
A PUDDLE AND A CARROT.
SOME GUYS HAVE MODEST AMBITIONS.

MONDAY MOTIVATION
DREAMS DO COME TRUE!
Mostly for other people.
Fortunately, the rest of us have cheese.

HEY, ANDY ACHIEVER. WANT TO HANG OUT AND CHAT?
CAN'T. TRAINING TO FINISH AN IRONMAN IN UNDER TWELVE HOURS.
HEY, ANDY ACHIEVER. WANT TO HAVE A LEMONADE WITH ME?
CAN'T. TRAINING TO FINISH AN IRONMAN IN UNDER ELEVEN HOURS.
HEY, ANDY ACHIEVER. WANT TO WATCH THE BIRDS WITH ME?
CAN'T. TRAINING TO FINISH AN IRONMAN IN UNDER TEN HOURS.
HEY, ANDY ACHIEVER. WANT TO RELAX AND ENJOY THE SUNSET WITH--
CAN'T. TRAINING TO--
HONK HONK
SCREEECH SMACK
TELL ME AGAIN WHAT THE POINT OF AMBITION IS.
IT'S LIKE LUCKY, BUT LESS FUN.

HEY, RAT. PIG IS GONNA HELP ME MOVE TO MY NEW PLACE ON SUNDAY. MIND HELPING AS WELL?
SORRY. CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE THE KIND OF FRIENDS YOU ASK TO HELP YOU MOVE ARE YOUR VERY CLOSEST. AND I'M JUST NOT READY FOR THAT LEVEL OF COMMITMENT.
HARD NOT TO APPRECIATE THE CANDOR.
ALSO, I'M LAZY AND MOVING SUCKS.