Pearls Before Swine | Search

HELLO? ZEEBA NEIGHBA, WANT BUY?
BUY WHAT?
Crocs start new business. Sell video.
WHAT KIND OF VIDEO?
Veeshus crocs attack. Is like greatest hits. Gazelle, zebra, deer.
AND CROCS ON VIDEO IS DEADLY IS THE NAME OF THE BUSINESS?
Yeah. What wrong with that?
It's just long. BARELY FITS ON THE SIGN.
SO? If you want customers to remember it, you need to shorten it or something.
We not get one customer.
Marketing, like, sooo hard.

HEY GOAT, I DIDN'T LIKE HOW YOU TALKED TO ME IN THE CAFE TODAY, SO I HEREBY BAR YOU FROM USING MY NETFLIX PASSWORD.
DON'T CARE. I'M GONNA KEEP USING IT.
HOW DARE YOU. I SHALL CHANGE IT, YOU VICIOUS, UNETHICAL BEAST.
NO, YOU WON'T. BECAUSE TO DO THAT, YOU'D NEED TO REMEMBER THE ORIGINAL ONE.
THAT WAS LOW.

WHERE YOU OFF TO?
GONNA HANG OUT WITH MY PEN PAL.
HAVE YOU GUYS MET BEFORE?
HAHA... HE WANTS TO KNOW IF WE'VE MET BEFORE.
BICKY BIC FINDS YOU AMUSING.

I JUST HAD THE WORST NIGHTMARE ABOUT THE PANDEMIC.
I'M SO SORRY. I'VE HAD PLENTY OF THOSE. WHAT WAS YOURS?
THAT IT ENDED AND I NO LONGER HAD AN EXCUSE TO AVOID SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
NOT MY NIGHTMARE.
HAD TO GO BACK TO LYING ALL THE TIME ALWAYS.

YES! YES! MY SIDE WON THE ELECTION!
SO YOU LIKE WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO IN OFFICE?
I THOUGHT THE GOAL WAS JUST WINNING.
I THINK YOU'RE MISSING SOMETHING.
OH, RIGHT. I NEED TO GO TAUNT THE LOSERS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. AS OUR
SOCIETY APPEARS TO BE COMING
APART AT THE SEAMS, I WANT
YOU TO KNOW I BOUGHT A GUN.
I BOUGHT TWO GUNS.
I WILL BUY THREE GUNS.
I’LL TAKE WHATEVER NUMBER
OF GUNS YOU BUY AND BUY
ONE MORE.
MY END-TIMES STRATEGY
NEEDS WORK.

Beep Boop Beep
9-1-1. WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?
HELP. I'M TRAPPED IN MY HOUSE.
TRAPPED HOW?
JUST THIS WHOLE PANDEMIC THING.
TURNS OUT IT'S NOT AN EMERGENCY.

ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, READY TO USHER OUT THE OLD YEAR AND WELCOME IN THE BRAND NEW YEAR?
YES!
BRING IN THE NEW!
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, IT'S ALMOST THAT SPECIAL MOMENT... GET READY, OKAY... 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
HAPPY NEW YEAR
MY LIFE HAS CHANGED NOT ONE WHIT.
EXCEPT NOW I'M TIRED.
AND DRANK TOO MUCH.
WHY DO WE FALL FOR THIS EVERY YEAR???

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WATCHING MY BUDDY DAN. HE'S ON THE CREW TEAM. THROUGH IT'S THE PRE-SEASON. HOW ABOUT YOU?
ME AND MY FRIEND ANGELO ARE LOOKING AT THIS BOOK OF SCULPTURES. THERE'S 'THE THINKER'. DO YOU KNOW WHO CREATED THAT, PIG?
I'D ONLY BE GUESSING.
GO AHEAD GUESS! AND BY THE WAY, WHEN'S THE ACTUAL SEASON START?
AUGUST!
RON, DAN!
WHO MAKES THE CALL ON RUNNING THESE SCULPTOR PUNS?
MY CALL, ANGELO.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GONNA EAT THIS MASSIVE MOUND OF FRIES.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON A DIET.
I AM. BUT NOW I BELIEVE IN PREDESTINATION, WHICH DICTATES THAT YOUR LIFE IS PREDETERMINED BEFORE BIRTH.
SO?
SO AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO NOT EAT THIS, IT'S USELESS BECAUSE I HAVE NO FREE WILL.
I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE EXPLOITING THIS.
PREDESTINATION KNEW YOU'D SAY THAT.

I JUST LOOKED AT MY UBER RATING. IT'S A 4.88 OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE.
SO?
SO I'VE FAILED AT LIFE.
YOU MIGHT BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.
WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG?

WHY ARE YOU JUST STARING AT YOUR FOOD?
THERE'S A BIG FINGERPRINT ON THE PLATE. IT'S MAKING ME LOSE MY APPETITE.
WHEN I EAT, MY MOTHER REGURGITATES INTO MY MOUTH.
NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT FOOD SERVICE AROUND A BABY BIRD.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
A BOOK ON THE MESOZOIC AGE.
WHAT AGE ARE WE IN NOW?
THE AGE OF STUPID.
STUPIDITY.
DON'T GET SNOOTY.
NO WONDER I'M SO COMFORTABLE.

NEXT YEAR'S GOALS FOR PERSONAL GROWTH
Get fatter.
NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
GROWTH IS GROWTH.

WELL, THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.
YEAH. HATE TO KICK YOU OUT LIKE THIS, BUT WITH THE HOLIDAYS OVER, I'M AFRAID IT'S TIME.
PROBABLY PAST TIME.
YEAH. TRUTH BE KNOWN, WE REALLY DIDN'T ENJOY THE TIME WE SPENT WITH YOU.
SO DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.
THE WORLD FEELS BETTER ALREADY.
HEY, DON'T DO THAT ON OUR LAWN!

HI, GUYS. THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR WEEKLY MEETING... UH, RAT, WHY ARE YOU COMING SO CLOSE TO THE SCREEN?
I THINK I'VE HAD IT WITH ZOOM MEETINGS.

LOOK AT TOM BRADY GO!
SINCE WHEN DO YOU ROOT FOR TOM BRADY?
SINCE I LEARNED HE'S 43 YEARS OLD, WHICH MEANS THAT AT THE AGE OF 52, I CAN ALMOST STILL PLAY IN THE N.F.L.
MIDDLE-AGED PEOPLE CAN BE SAD.
NOTHING MIDDLE-AGED ABOUT THESE GUNS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS CONTACT TRACING WHERE IF YOU HAVE COVID THEY ALERT ALL YOUR FRIENDS THAT THEY MAY HAVE BEEN EXPOSED?
I DON'T MIND IT.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T THINK IT'S AN INVASION OF PRIVACY?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
THAT'S A FAIR POINT.
IT REALLY COMES IN HANDY.

HEY, STEPH, THANKS FOR THE CHRISTMAS CARD THIS YEAR. WHERE'D YOU TAKE THE GREAT PHOTO THAT'S ON THE INSIDE OF IT?
LEMME GUESS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PHOTO I'M TALKING ABOUT AND WEREN'T EVEN AWARE YOUR WIFE SENT OUT CHRISTMAS CARDS.
GLAD YOU LIKED THE PHOTO.
YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR DARK LITTLE CAVE NOW.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR HEAD, PIG?
IT'S A SCREAM BOX.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
TO MUFFLE YOUR CRIES WHEN THE INJUSTICE OF THE WORLD OVERWHELMS YOU.
THIS COULD CATCH ON.
CAREFUL CROSSING THE STREET.

HERES YOUR PRESCRIPTION, AND THE BILL.
WHAT? THAT SAYS $100 A PILL.
YEAH, THAT'S THE PRICE SET BY THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY.
DO I HAVE ANY OPTIONS?
SCREAM INTO A BOX ?
I MAY GO THROUGH LIFE LIKE THIS.

To lock my phone in my car for the night.
WHAT FOR?
Because I always start looking at it before I go to bed. Then I can't sleep because I'm too nervous and upset.
But not anymore. Because I'm finally going to bed at -
Shoot. Don't know what time it is.
Well, that's okay. I'll just sleep 'til my alarm goes off at -
DARN... NO ALARM.
Oh, that doesn't matter. If I'm late for something, someone can always call me and -
Nuts. No way to reach me. That also makes me nervous.
That's okay. I'll just listen to some calming music and -

ATTENTION, PLEASE... THE YEAR WE'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH HAS BEEN THE 'YEAR OF THE RAT' ON THE CHINESE CALENDAR.
AND I THINK WE'LL ALL AGREE IT'S BEEN PRETTY SPECTACULAR. ALL IN FAVOR OF REPEATING IT NEXT YEAR, RAISE YOUR HAND.
AAAAUGHHHH
A SIMPLE 'NO' WOULD BE FINE.

I CAN'T RELAX ANYMORE. MY MIND IS CONSTANTLY GOING. BUT I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA.
WHAT'S THAT?
HIT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH THIS MALLET. I'LL FALL UNCONSCIOUS AND MAYBE FINALLY HAVE A FEW MINUTES OF PEACE.
THERE'S GOTTA BE AN EASIER WAY.
HAPPIEST HE'S LOOKED IN WEEKS.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
Larry start new venture. Offer world his brilliance on all subjects.
WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE?
BAD START.