Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PIG, ARE YOU GONNA GET OUT OF BED?
NO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE EVERY DAY I GET OUT OF BED AND GO THROUGH MY DAY AND THINK, "WOW, I CAN'T WAIT TO CRAWL INTO MY BED TONIGHT."
SO?
SO WHY GET OUT OF BED IN THE FIRST PLACE?
YOUR LOGIC IS INFALLIBLE.
WELL, WE MAY STARVE.

HEY. WE'RE FINALLY DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR THE ENVIRONMENT AND TAKING OUR HOUSE OFF THE GRID.
THAT'S GREAT. DID YOU GUYS GET SOLAR PANELS?
FAILED TO PAY OUR ELECTRIC BILL.
I DON'T THINK THAT COUNTS.
WHO KNEW BEING A DEADBEAT COULD GET ME A NOBEL PRIZE?

UGH. EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AND CHECK MY PHONE AND I GET SO DEPRESSED. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GET OUT OF BED.
IS THAT A NOTE?
Remember pizza.
NOTEMAN REMINDS PEOPLE OF THE IMPORTANT THINGS.

THE MORNING RITUAL
WAKING UP TO A NEW DAY
A WARM CUP O' JOE
A PLEASANT WALK OUTSIDE
The internet.
SO THAT'S WHERE MY DAY GOES WRONG.
THEY'RE CALLED PHONES, BUT THEY'RE REALLY JUST PORTALS TO DARKNESS.

EXCUSE ME...SORRY... I NEED TO GO TO THE FRONT.
PARDON ME... I'M STEPHAN PASTIS, THE CARTOONIST.
HEY...SORRY...BUT I'M THE 'PEARLS BEFORE SWINE' GUY.
HEY, POO. THANKS FOR ALL THE HARD WORK, BUT I THINK I'M AHEAD OF YOU. I DO ALL THE GREAT PUNS.
COVID-19 VACCINE Priority line
I GET it LAST BEHIND MIMES AND FELONS.
I FIGURED THEY'D SKIP YOU ENTIRELY.
FELONS SHOULD BE BEFORE MIMES.

I JUST DELETED MY FACEBOOK PAGE. I'M DONE WITH THE ARGUING, THE NEGATIVITY, THE UNTRUE STORIES. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
*CLICK*
LEMME GUESS. YOU UN-DELETED IT.
DA** THING'S LIKE CRACK.

OUR LIBRARY ADDED A WHOLE NEW INDIAN WING. IT HAS INDIAN PROSE AND BOLLYWOOD MOVIES STARRING AAMIR KHAN, SHAHRUKH KHAN AND SALMAN KHAN.
YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT THE NEW LIBRARY? WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT HAS PROSE AND KHAINS.
NOW YOU CAN BE HATED ON TWO CONTINENTS.

NOT A SINGLE THING HAS GONE RIGHT FOR ME TODAY.
SO I'M GONNA GO BACK TO MY BED, WHERE THIS DAY STARTED, AND PRESS THE RESET BUTTON.
NO SUCH BUTTON FOR BAD DAYS.
SURELY THAT'S A DESIGN FLAW.

GOALS FOR THE WEEK
Accomplish 3 times as much as last week.
Last week: Did nothing.
3 x nothing = nothing

INSTEAD OF GIVING A TAX CUT TO ALL YOUR BIG CORPORATIONS AND HOPING IT TRICKLES DOWN, WHY NOT GIVE THAT EXACT SAME CUT TO THE MIDDLE CLASS INSTEAD AND HOPE IT FLOATS UP TO ALL YOUR BIG CORPORATIONS?
WE'LL CALL IT "UP YOURS" ECONOMICS.
I'LL WRITE MY SENATOR.
YEAH...TELL CONGRESS, "UP YOURS."

DUDE, IT'S NOON... WHY ARE YOU STILL IN BED?
BECAUSE NOTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN TODAY WILL BE BETTER THAN THE WARMTH AND COMFORT THAT I HAVE HERE.
YOU MAY HAVE SOLVED LIFE.

NEXT MONTH WILL BE TWELVE MONTHS SINCE EVERYTHING SHUT DOWN BECAUSE OF COVID.
YEAH. I KNOW. I WROTE A SONG.
TWELVE MONTHS OF SWEATPANTS.
TO THE TWELFTH MONTH OF COVID, THE VIRUS SENT TO ME
ELEVEN HOURS ZOOMING.
TEN MASKS PROTECTING.
NINE NURSES TESTING.
EIGHT KIDS A GAMING.
SEVEN PARTIES SUCKING.
SIX FEET OF DISTANCE.
FIIIIIVE MOMS CONFUSED.
FOUR CHECKUPS MISSED.
THREE CHILDREN MIFFED.
TWO CANCELLED TRIPS...
AND A YEAR I’D LIKE TO HAVE BACK!!
IS THAT AN OPINION?
SORRY, ANOTHER REFLUX.

Professor Rat's Word O' The Day: Awkwagap
That moment in a Zoom call between clicking "END MEETING" and the call actually ending.
THIS IS AWKWARD.
THIS IS AWKWARD.
SO THAT'S WHAT THAT'S CALLED.
MIND THE GAP.

PLAN FOR LIFE
Establish own business.
Make millions.
Retire happy.
THAT'S A GREAT GOAL AND IF YOU'RE WILLING TO WORK LONG HOURS AT IT EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK AND GIVE IT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.
"ab b'n dn us."
"1...mi...is. t...nat."
PLAN FOR LIFE
Eat cheese and hope for the best.

WE GOT AN ANGRY LETTER FROM A GUY IN HARRISBURG, PA. HE SAYS, "THE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN YOUR STRIP MAKE MY HAIR STAND ON END. EITHER GET AN EDITOR OR LEARN PROPER ENGLISH."
WHOA. DOES ANYONE REALLY GET THAT MAD ABOUT ERRORS IN A COMIC STRIP
THIS GUY DO;
I FEEL TERRIBLE. I BETTER LIE THIS PILLOW DOWN ON THE GROUND AND LAY DOWN ON IT.
ME TO.
SOMEWHERE IN HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA...

PARDON ME, BUT I WAS OFFENDED BY SOMETHING YOU SAID LAST WEEK.
OKAY, BUT I'M GONNA KEEP SAYING THE THINGS I SAY.
BUT I'M OFFENDED.
RIGHT.
WHAT NOW :)
I DON'T KNOW.
AND THEN HIS HEAD EXPLODED.
HE LED A FULL, COMPLAINY LIFE.

YOU SEEM A LOT CALMER LATELY, RAT…NOT NEARLY SO ANGRY...HOW DO YOU DO IT?
WELL, WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING, I TAKE A FEW MINUTES JUST FOR MYSELF.
I SEE. TO BREATHE DEEPLY? MEDITATE?
TO SLEDGEHAMMER THE &%#@ OUT OF A ROCK.
NOT QUITE MEDITATION.
WE'RE LIVING IN SLEDGEHAMMER TIMES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
JUST HUNG THIS PAINTING OF AN ELEPHANT. TOOK A WHILE TO GET IT CENTERED AND LEVEL. HOW DO YOU THINK I DID?
IT’S WELL HUNG.
I THINK YOU KNOW WHY I’M HERE.
BECAUSE IT’S NOT STRAIGHT?
IS IT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?

LOOK AT THIS... ANOTHER TRAVEL BROCHURE... LIKE WE CAN EVEN TRAVEL ANYWHERE IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
YEAH, TRUE. BUT AREN'T THEY SAYING WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET THE VACCINE BY THEN?
YEAH. I THINK THEY ARE.
SO THIS MAYBE COULD POSSIBLY BE A THING?
I GUESS IT COULD.
WAIT A MINUTE... YOU MEAN WE'RE BOTH HAVING...
AN OPTIMISTIC THOUGHT!
SO THAT'S WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.
I THINK I ACTUALLY SAID 'FUTURE.'

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'S
Moving you mailbox mile from you house.
WHAT FOR?
Make you walk further to get you bills and stuff. Dat way, we crocs more chance keel you.
I GET ALL MY BILLS ONLINE, SO YOU JUST DID ME THE FAVOR OF MOVING MY JUNK MAIL FAR AWAY.
Mail no whuh it used to be.
Oooh... Coupons for lemons.

HEY, I FIGURED OUT OUR
NEIGHBORS' WIFI PASS-
WORD. DO YOU THINK IT'S
OKAY FOR ME TO START
USING THEIR NETWORK?
I DUNNO.
LEMME
CHECK MY
MORAL
COMPASS.
IT'S FINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING "YOU'RE WELCOME" CARDS.
WHAT ARE THOSE?
CARDS FOR ALL THE THANKLESS TURDS WHO FAILED TO SEND ME THANK YOU CARDS.
SLIGHTLY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.
IS "THANKLESS TURD" A SUFFICIENT ADDRESS?

ACME HEALTH. HON CAN WE HELP YOU?
YEAH, YOU DIDN'T COVER MY LAST DOCTOR BILL BECAUSE IT DIDN'T EXCEED THE DEDUCTIBLE. SO I'M WONDERING WHAT THE DEDUCTIBLE IS.
IT'S VERY EASY TO CALCULATE.
OKAY. HOW?
TAKE WHATEVER AMOUNT YOUR BILL IS AND ADD A DOLLAR.
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.
DID YOU KNOW "DEDUCTIBLE" MEANS "SCREW YOU" IN LATIN?

IF YOU WORK REALLY HARD, ARE YOU GUARANTEED SUCCESS?
NO.
BUT WHAT IF YOU DON'T WORK HARD? CAN YOU STILL SUCCEED?
I SUPPOSE.
SO BOTH ROADS ARE A CRAPSHOOT, BUT ONE OF THEM INVOLVES GIVING YOURSELF AN ULCER.
LET'S START OVER.
YOU'VE VALIDATED MY LIFE'S CHOICES.

HEY, PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, LUKE. I ASKED HIM TO COME OVER AND EAT WITH US.
OH, GREAT. YEAH. COME EAT WITH US. AND ---
WHAT?
UUUUUSE THE FORKS, LUKE.
THOSE JOKES GET VERY OLD, PIG.
LUKE HOW ANGRY HE'S GETTING.