Pearls Before Swine | Search

CAUTION
WATCH FOR CHILDREN
SOME SIGNS ARE MUCH TOO AMBIGUOUS.
HEY, THEY WARNED YOU.

HEY, PAL, WHAT'S WITH THE MASK? WE NO LONGER HAVE TO WEAR THEM.
I'M ROBBING THE PLACE.
THIS ERA IS SO CONFUSING.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY ACHIEVED?
NO.
SO YOU'VE ACHIEVED EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO?
NO. I'VE NEVER WANTED TO ACHIEVE ANYTHING.
THAT'S DIFFERENT.
I THOUGHT THE POINT OF LIFE WAS TO EAT CHEESE AND NAP.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, I'VE STUDIED ALL OF THE WORLD'S DOCTRINES AND PHILOSOPHIES AND LISTENED TO ALL THE GURUS AND LECTURERS AND STILL I HAVE NO IDEA -- WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
BUY A BLOCK OF CHEESE AND SOME BEER.
THEN SIT IN THE SUN AND CONSUME IT.
AND THEN WHAT?
THAT'S IT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENT SCHOOLS OF THOUGHT FROM THE PHILOSOPHERS AND GURUS AND LECTURERS?
THEY KNOW NOT OF CHEESE AND BEER.
IT'S NICE TO FINALLY BE ENLIGHTENED.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S GOING ON?
THE MAYOR SAID HE MIGHT WANT ME AND MY FRIEND APRIL TO BE IN THE MARCHING BAND FOR THE CITY PARADE.
THAT'S GREAT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT SONGS YOU'RE GONNA PLAY?
PROBABLY THE SAME UNINTERESTING ONES EVERY MARCHING BAND PLAYS.
WELL, EVEN IF THE SONGS ARE JEJUNE, IT'S GREAT YOU AND APRIL MAY MARCH WITH SUCH AUGUST COMPANY.
COULDN'T FIT IN JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JULY, SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, AND DECEMBER.
NO. AND I TRIED.

WELL, THE WORLD'S FINALLY OPENING BACK UP AND I'M OFF TO EXPERIENCE IT!
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT! ENJOY!
I FORGOT HOW MUCH PEOPLE ANNOY ME.

WHAT ARE YOU CROSSING OFF THERE, RAT?
THE NAMES OF RELATIVES. I'VE DECIDED TO CUT TIES WITH ALL THE PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY WHO ARE NUTTERS.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD, I GUESS.
NOT REALLY.
THERE'S NO ONE LEFT.
MAYBE THE PROBLEM'S NOT THEM.
OH, GREAT, ANOTHER NUTTER.

MY PANDEMIC-ERA CLOTHES ARE NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE.

HOW YOU DOING, PIG?
NOT GOOD. MY GIRLFRIEND JUST TOLD ME I'M NO FUN BECAUSE I'M NEVER SPONTANEOUS.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLANNING OUT ALL THE TIMES I'M GONNA BE SPONTANEOUS.
THAT'LL SHOW HER.
WHAT'S THE BEST HOUR AND MINUTE OF THE DAY TO BE SPONTANEOUS?

Happy for no reason
Happy for no reason
YOU HAVE TO HAVE A REASON, YOU DUMB PIG. BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS LIFE IS NASTY, BRUTISH AND SHORT.
Happy for no reason
I'm not him

ATTENTION, PLEASE!
THE SAYING 'IT IS WHAT IT IS’ HAS ABSOLUTELY NO MEANING.
SO NEXT TIME YOU FEEL THE NEED TO UTTER WORDS WITHOUT MEANING, YOU WILL SAY THE FOLLOWING PHRASE INSTEAD...
THE FLOOT FLOOT DID A BOOM BOOM ON THE JIM JAM.
NOW DOES HE REALLY NEED THE MEGAPHONE?
THE FLOOT FLOOT DID A BOOM BOOM ON THE JIM JAM.

NUTS. CAN'T SLEEP, OKAY. JUST RELAX AND TRY TO THINK OF NOTHING.
GEE, IS THAT REALLY SMART WITH ALL THE THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG IN YOUR LIFE?
WHO ARE YOU?
THE WORRY MONK. I'M HERE TO EXPLOIT ANY EYE OPENINGS BY FILLING YOUR HEAD WITH BAD THINGS THAT KEEP YOU UP ALL NIGHT.
WE NEED TO START LOCKING THE DOORS.

WELL, I'VE CUT OUT THE CAFFEINE AND THE LATE NIGHT SUGAR, SO TONIGHT I SHOULD FINALLY BE ABLE TO GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
PROBABLY NOT.
WHO ARE YOU?
THE WORRY MONK. I KNOW YOUR WORRIES BACKWARDS AND FORWARD, SO I WAKE YOU AT 2 A.M. TO REMIND YOU OF THEM.
IT'S NOT THE CAFFEINE.

HEY, PIG, I WAS REALLY SAD TO HEAR YOU'VE DECIDED TO CUT TIES WITH YOUR FAMILY.
WHY IS IT SAD?
WE JUST HATE UGLY TIES.
THIS STRIP MAKES ME EVEN SADDER.

MONTANA
I NEED TO TAKE DOWN MY MONTANA POSTER.

BOO HOO HOO HOO
OH NO, PIG. HOW COME YOU'RE CRYING?
NO REASON.
SOMETIMES I JUST LIKE TO LET MY EMOTIONS GET THE BETTER OF ME.
IS HE THE HEALTHY ONE OR ARE WE?
I'M ROBUSTLY UNHEALTHY.

I think my
life is about to
turn a corner.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT… WHAT
A HOPEFUL ATTITUDE FOR
A MONDAY.
Right
into an
oncoming
bus.
THAT'S
NOT AS
HOPEFUL.
THERE'S
NO HOPE
ON
MONDAYS.

HEY, STEPH, THIS IS MY NEIGHBOR BOB'S KID, JULIA. SHE JUST GRADUATED FROM BERKELEY.
THAT'S GREAT, JULIA! I LOVED MY CAL DAYS. THE CAMPUS...ACTIVITIES... DRINKING AT 'HENRY'S'...
THE FOOTBALL GAMES WITH AARON RODGERS... BASKETBALL GAMES WITH JASON KIDD... AND GOING TO TOP DOG FOR LATE NIGHT...
AND JUST GETTING TO KNOW ALL THE OTHER STUDENTS, LIKE MY 'DAILY CAL' BUDDIES MATT AND THE PROCESS WHERE WE OCCUPIED SPROUL HALL...
AND, OF COURSE, GRADUATION AT ZELLERBACH HALL, WHERE MY FAMILY WAS THERE.. HOW ABOUT YOU? HOW'D YOU ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE?
I SAT IN MY BEDROOM AND STARED AT A COMPUTER SCREEN.
MAYBE DON'T REMINISCE AROUND THE COVID GENERATION...
IS SHE STILL CRYING IN THE BATHROOM?

STATE HEALTH OFFICIALS SAY THAT TODAY'S EXTREME HEAT MAKES IT VERY IMPORTANT TO STAY HYDRATED.
NEVER QUESTION THE STATE.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY, PIG?
I'M JUST ABOUT BURSTING WITH JOY.
HANG ON. LET ME LET A LITTLE BIT OUT.
DIDN'T WANT TO POP.

IN LIGHT OF WHAT HAPPENED WITH THIS PANDEMIC, I PROPOSE THAT GOING FORWARD WE STOP SHAKING HANDS AT SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE WE DO INSTEAD?
NOT HAVE SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
WE MISANTHROPES HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.

DID YOU SEE HOW IF YOU SAY OFFENSIVE THINGS ABOUT CERTAIN RELIGIOUS SECTS, THEY REGISTER YOUR NAME ON SOME LIST?
REALLY?
YEP.
YOU BECOME A REGISTERED SECTS OFFENDER.
IS YOUR MOM PROUD OF THIS?
I DON'T TELL HER.

RAT EMERGES AMONG PEOPLE FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE PANDEMIC BEGAN.
DID YOU USE THE LAST FIFTEEN MONTHS TO GET SMARTER?
NO!
LESS ANNOYING?
NO!
I MISS STAY-AT-HOME ORDERS.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, PIG?
I WENT ON A CANOE RIDE.
HOW FAR DID YOU GO?
WE CANOODLED SIX MILES.
NOT CORRECT.
LISTEN, I KNOW HOW MUCH I CANOODLED.

HEY, RAT. WHAT'S THIS?
IT'S MY NEW BUSINESS. I WILL SPY ON ANYONE FOR A NOMINAL FEE.
WHERE THEY LIVE. WHAT THEY DO. WHAT THEY SAY TO OTHERS. WHAT THEY LIKE. AND WHO THEY SOCIALIZE WITH.
ALL FOR THE LOW, LOW RATE OF TWO HUNDRED BUCKS AN HOUR.
I THINK THAT'S ALL FREE ON FACEBOOK.
THAT'S GONNA HURT MY BUSINESS MODEL.