Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BUY YOU A CUP OF COFFEE SOME TIME.
SURE. I LOVE VANILLA LATTES. JUST LEAVE IT ON THE FRONT PORCH.
MY PICK-UP LINES ARE NOT AS SUCCESSFUL AS THEY COULD BE.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
PHRASES THAT ARE INCONGRUOUS.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
THEY DON'T SEEM TO GO TOGETHER, LIKE 'FRIENDLY FIRE' OR 'HUMANE EXECUTION.' KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
'URINAL CAKE.'
YOU’VE RUINED LUNCH.
ONLY CAKE I CAN RESIST.

HI, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING? I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE BREAKFAST TOGETHER.
OH, I WANTED TO, BUT I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP LAST NIGHT, SO I HAD TO LAY DOWN.
LIE.
OKAY. I ADMIT IT. I DIDN'T WANT TO GO BECAUSE IT SOUNDED BORING.
LIE, PIG. THE RIGHT WORD IS 'LIE,' NOT 'LAY.'
MAYBE WE COULD START THIS CONVERSATION OVER.

HEY, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST GOT TO THE END OF A STORY I'M WRITING. I'M HOPING TO GET IT PUBLISHED.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW MUCH TIME WILL YOU NEED FOR THE RE-WRITING?
MY WRITING'S PERFECT THE FIRST TIME.
I SEE.
REVISIONS ARE ONLY FOR SAD, LITTLE LOSERS.

TRAIN
FOR
MARATHON
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
THIS MOTIVATIONAL COACH TOLD ME IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO PUT YOUR GOALS ON POST-ITS AROUND THE HOUSE. IT HELPS TO REINFORCE THEM.
NAP
I CAN SEE THIS WORKING.

I WAS SO DEPRESSED THE OTHER DAY.
ME TOO.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WENT ONLINE AND SOUGHT OUT MEDITATION VIDEOS.
THEY TAUGHT ME BREATHING EXERCISES, RELAXATION TECHNIQUES...IT REALLY HELPED. HOW 'BOUT YOU? WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WENT ONLINE ALSO.
BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! IMPULSE BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! CAN'T AFFORD! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY!
SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE PRETTY SIMILAR.
ARE YOU BROKE NOW ALSO?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE SAYING, THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS?
OF COURSE. WHY?
BECAUSE WHY ARE THEY PAVING THE ROAD TO HELL WHEN WE CAN'T EVEN GET THE POTHOLE ON OUR STREET FIXED?
LET'S START OVER.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO HELL, WHO CARES HOW SMOOTH THE ROAD IS?

JOB QUESTIONNAIRE
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Same place as now.
Bathroom mirror.
YOU MAY NOT GET THE JOB.

ka tik ka tik
tap tap tap
NEGATIVITY
AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I TURNED OFF SOCIAL MEDIA.
HANG ON. I'M TWEETING HOW LAME THAT IS.

DO YOU THINK OUR NEIGHBORS KNOW WE USE THEIR WIFI NETWORKS?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
JUST THE NAMES OF THE NETWORKS.
CHOOSE A NETWORK: RATSTOPSTEALINGOURWIFI
RATISACHEAP@$$
$%#@!YOU RAT
COINCIDENCE.

WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY?
I NEED EVERY SINGLE THING IN MY LIFE TO BE GOING PERFECTLY.
I NEED ONE SLICE OF PIZZA LEFT IN THE BOX.
PIG MAY HAVE AN EASIER TIME.
TWO SLICES AND I WEEP WITH JOY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
WRITING DOWN MILESTONES I'VE ACHIEVED SO FAR THIS YEAR. I REACHED A BIG ONE LAST MONTH WHEN I FINISHED MY FIRST NOVEL.
THAT'S GREAT. I REACHED A BIG ONE LAST MONTH ALSO.
OH, YEAH? WHAT WAS IT?
I REMEMBERED WHERE I PARKED MY CAR AT THE MALL.
CONGRATS.
I DIDN'T EVEN USE THE PANIC BUTTON.

DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING A DIET OF RED MEAT SHORTENS LIFE SPAN.
KA-THUNK
DING
NEW STUDY REVEALS EATING A DIET OF RED MEAT LENGTHENS LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING ANY KIND OF MEAT CAN SHORTEN LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS DRINKING RED WINE EACH EVENING LENGTHENS LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS DRINKING RED WINE EACH EVENING SHORTENS LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING YOGURT CASUES HEADACHES.
DING
NEW STUDY PROVES EATING YOGURT CURBS HEADACHES.
DING
EARPLUGS PROLONG LIFE.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING FATTY FOODS LENGTHENS LIFE SPAN.
MY HEAD HURTS.
DING DING DING DING DING
NEW STUDY REVEALS STRESS FROM TRYING TO FOLLOW EVERY NEW STUDY SHORTENS LIFE SPAN.
ACK
AND THAT'S WHAT KILLS US ALL.
WHAT'S IT SAY ABOUT MY FRIED STICK OF BUTTER?

I'M STARTING TO THINK BUDDHISM MAKES A LOT OF SENSE. FOR EXAMPLE, IT TEACHES THAT DESIRE IS THE ROOT OF SUFFERING. SO TO ELIMINATE SUFFERING, YOU FIRST HAVE TO ELIMINATE DESIRE.
THAT DOES MAKE SENSE.
YEAH. AND HERE I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE JUST DESIRING MONEY.
RIGHT. SO WHAT'S THE ANSWER?
SOMEONE WRITING ME A CHECK FOR TEN MILLION DOLLARS.
NO.
OH. NOW YOU'RE SMARTER THAN BUDDHA?

I THINK MY BIGGEST GOAL IN LIFE IS TO HAVE A CAREER THAT IS TRULY FULFILLING AND LEAVES A LASTING GLOBAL IMPACT. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP 22 HOURS A DAY AND EAT PIZZA THE OTHER TWO.
HOW NOBLE.
DREAM BIG OR GO HOME.

RAT THE THERAPIST
AND THAT'S MY WHOLE STORY. SORRY FOR GOING ON SO LONG.
IT'S OKAY. JUST TAKING NOTES.
CAN I ASK WHAT PARTS YOU NOTED?
WELL, I DON'T GENERALLY SHARE MY NOTES WITH PATIENTS, BUT SURE.
1) He can't be helped.
2) I just made $200.
NEVER SHARE YOUR NOTES WITH PATIENTS.

I HEAR RAT GOT A JOB AS A THERAPIST.
YEAH. HE JUST STARTED.
IT’S SORTA HARD TO BELIEVE HE COULD BE ANY GOOD AT IT.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
MIND IF I JUST LAUGH AT YOU FOR A MINUTE?

WELL, PIG, I GOT THE PROMOTION I WANTED.
GEE, GOAT, YOU ALWAYS HAVE SO MUCH LUCK.
LUCK? PIG, LUCK IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PREPARATION MEETS OPPORTUNITY.
THEN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN LAZINESS MEETS STUPIDITY?
NOT SURE THERE'S A TERM.
BECAUSE THAT'S MY SWEET SPOT.

AND NOW FOR THE WEATHER,
WE GO TO OUR METEOROLOGIST.
THANK YOU.
TOMORROW'S FORECAST CALLS
FOR A CHILLY MORNING
FOLLOWED BY WARMER TEMPS
BY NOON AND A THIRTY
PERCENT CHANCE OF RAIN.
AND, PIG, IN YOUR PERSONAL
LIFE, NOTHING WILL GO
RIGHT.
I WISH HE'D STICK TO
THE WEATHER.

Imagine there's no Facebook
It's easy if you try
No trolls berate us
Around us no more lies
Imagine all the crackpots
silenced for daaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyys
Imagine there's no Twitter
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to shill or cry for
And no retweeters too
Imagine all the people
being kind to youooooooooo
You may say
I hate screamers
But I'm not the only one
Who hopes one day
We'll stop this
And the world
will be more fun

HEY, RAT. IS THERE SOMEONE IN OUR BASEMENT?
YEAH, I RENTED IT TO GREG THE GRAMMARIAN. LIKE ALL GRAMMARIANS, HE IS ANTISOCIAL AND PREFERS TO DWELL IN ISOLATED HOVELS.
WELL, ALLRIGHT THEN. I--
STOP THE STRIP.
A.P. STYLEBOOK DICTATES THAT "ALL RIGHT" MUST ALWAYS BE TWO WORDS. YOUR MISTAKE IS EGREGIOUS AND SIGNALS THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.
 
HE'S NOT THAT FUN AT PARTIES.

HEY, RAT, WHY IS THE DOOR TO YOUR BASEMENT LOCKED?
WE RENTED IT TO GREG THE GRAMMARIAN.
BUT YOUR BASEMENT DOESN'T HAVE ANY LIGHT OR HEAT.
THAT'S OKAY. GRAMMARIANS JUST NEED DEEP DARK HOLES FROM WHICH THEY CAN JUDGE ALL OF OUR GRAMMATICAL FAILINGS.
"GRAMMATIC**AL**," MORON.
I JUST DO THAT TO ENRAGE HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING FOR A PLACE I CAN RENT ON AIRBNB.
OH YEAH? WHAT TOWN DID YOU PUT IN THE SEARCH FIELD?
'SOMEWHERE THAT IS NOT THE SAME HOUSE I'VE BEEN IN FOR THE LAST 14 MONTHS.'
NOT SURE THAT WORKS.
TURNS OUT IT'S THE MOST POPULAR SEARCH ON THE SITE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, ALL I DO IS SIT ON MY BUTT WATCHING NETFLIX. WHEN WILL WE FINALLY BE ABLE TO RETURN TO OUR NORMAL LIVES?
WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU WOULD DO WHEN LIFE WAS NORMAL?
SIT ON MY BUTT WATCHING NETFLIX.
TURNS OUT THAT TO MISS YOUR LIFE, YOU FIRST HAVE TO HAVE ONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HANG ON... I'M JUST FINISHING THE LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK "ULYSSES" BY JAMES JOYCE.
WOW, THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE. THAT'S A REALLY RESPECTED, 1,000 PAGE NOVEL. HOW'D YOU LIKE IT?
I REALLY CAN'T SAY.
WHY NOT?
I ONLY READ THE LAST PAGE.
SOME FOLKS READ THE REST OF THE BOOK FIRST.
I CAN FINALLY SAY I FINISHED "ULYSSES."