Pearls Before Swine | Search

STAGE ONE:
SWEATS OKAY FOR WORK ZOOM CALL BECAUSE NO ONE SEES THEM.
STAGE TWO:
SWEATS OKAY FOR GROCERY STORE SHOPPING.
STAGE THREE:
SWEATS OKAY FOR EVERY SINGLE EVENT IN LIFE.
IS THERE A STAGE FOUR?
SWEATS NEED NEVER BE WASHED.

MY FRIEND AND HIS WIFE GOT BUSTED FOR SHOPLIFTING. SHE TOOK A VINTAGE RECORD AND SHE TOOK A RAP CD. AND A CANNED HAM?!?
SO THEY'RE BOTH IN TROUBLE?
NO. MY FRIEND TOLD THE COPS HE TOOK ALL OF IT.
HOW COME?
HIS WIFE COULD GET IN BIG TROUBLE. SHE'S GOT A RECORD.
I THOUGHT SHE HAD THE C.D.'S
I THOUGHT HE HAD THE RECORD.
HE HAS NO RECORD. HIS WIFE DOES.
YOU SAID SHE TOOK THE HEAT.
SHE COULDN'T TAKE THE HEAT, WHICH IS WHY MY FRIEND TOOK THE RAP.
I THOUGHT SHE TOOK THE RAP!
HOW COULD SHE TAKE THE RAP WITHOUT A RECORD?!?
GUESS WHO DOESN'T CARE!!!
'GUESS WHO' WAS THE RECORD HE STOLE.

Hullooo zeeba neighba. Peese open door. We is from Federal Department O'Pills. We here give you vaccine pill.
THOSE ARE M & M'S. THEY EVEN HAVE THE LITTLE "M'S" ON THEM.
Oh, dat? Dat stand for...
Medeecine.
Moose.
Okay, like, how it be moose?
FIRST WORD COME TO MIND!

YOU DOING ANYTHING FOR THE WEEKEND?
I'M HAVING A SOCIALLY-DISTANCED GATHERING WITH MY SIBLINGS.
OH YEAH? HOW FAR DO YOU STAY APART?
TWO THOUSAND MILES.
A BIT FURTHER THAN REQUIRED.
WE'VE FOUND IT WORKS BEST.

HEY, NICK, I SEE YOU'RE READING A BOOK ON EUROPEAN ROYAL COURTS.
YEAH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF MEN THEY HIRED?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT - THE MAN WAS CASTRATED.
YOU, NICK?
CORRECT!
THAT'S MORE THAN I WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT NICK.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, WHAT DO YOU NEED?
WELL, SINCE WE'RE NOW IN A NEW ERA OF TOGETHERNESS, I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO FIND SOME THINGS WE HAVE IN COMMON.
WHITE-HOT HATRED OF EACH OTHER'S POLITICS?
BOB AND I HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN WE THOUGHT.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU WANT TO JOIN THE ZOOM PARTY I'M DOING WITH SOME FRIENDS TONIGHT?
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHERE YOU SOCIALIZE ONLINE. BUT IF YOU WANT BEER OR FOOD, YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE TO BRING IT YOURSELF.
SO YOU'VE ELIMINATED THE TWO BEST PARTS OF A PARTY AND KEPT THE ONE BAD ONE.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T PRIORITIZE FREE BEER.
WE CALL THEM WRONGHEADED.

PEOPLE IN THE GROCERY STORE WHO MAKE THE CHECKER RUN BACK TO THE AISLES TO CHECK A PRICE.
PEOPLE WHO LOOK AT YOU AND ASK IF YOU STILL GO TO THE GYM.
PEOPLE WHO CLAIM TO UNDERSTAND JAMES JOYCE NOVELS.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
DECIDING WHO GETS THE VACCINE LAST.
OOH, CYCLISTS WITH THE TIGHTEST LYCRA.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL. I WANT TO LIKE MY FELLOW MAN, BUT THEY DO STUPID THINGS AND ANNOY ME. HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT TO DO.
BEHIND ME IS A GREAT HILL, WHICH IT WILL TAKE MUCH MENTAL AND PHYSICAL FORTITUDE TO ASCEND.
CLIMB THAT HILL NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES, UNTIL YOU GET TO THE VERY TOP.
BECAUSE THERE I WILL FIND MY ANSWERS?
BECAUSE THERE YOU WILL FIND NO PEOPLE. THEY'RE ANNOYING AS @#$%.
THE ANSWER IS MORE HILLS.

WHEN I LOOK IN MY MIRROR, I DON'T LIKE WHO I SEE.
OH, PIG, THAT'S TERRIBLE, AND NOT AT ALL FAIR TO YOURSELF. DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU FEEL THAT WAY?
RAT PUT A DECAL OF HIS FACE ON IT.
YOU REALLY WENT DEEP THERE.

HEY, PIG, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
NOT GOOD. I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS FALLING APART.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
THIS.
*CLICK*
HONK HONK
HONK
HONK
HONK
NOT WHAT THE PANIC BUTTON ON YOUR CAR KEYS IS FOR.
THEN WHAT'S THE DARN THING FOR?

MY LIFE IS SUCH A MESS, ALL BECAUSE I'VE MADE SUCH BAD CHOICES OVER THE YEARS.
IT DOESN'T DO ANY GOOD TO WALLOW, PIG. INSTEAD, MAKE A PLAN FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO GOING FORWARD.
Invent machine that changes the past.
NOT REALLY A SOLUTION.
NO, NO, THIS SOLVES A LOT.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GIVE UP FOR LENT THIS YEAR?
NOTHING. I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT. WHY SHOULD I GIVE ANYTHING UP FOR IT? IN FACT, IF IT'S UP TO ME, I JUST GET RID OF IT.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU FELT SO STRONGLY ABOUT LENT.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID LINT.
YOU'RE RATHER CONFUSED.
RELIGION IS SUCH A TRICKY SUBJECT.

- Chocolate
- Cheese
- Ice cream
GROCERY LIST?
THIS.
WHY LIFE IS WORTH LIVING
by Pig
STARTING WITH THE FOOD?
IT'S ALL FOOD.

HEY, RAT, I THINK YOU TOOK THAT LADY'S PEAS.
NO, I DIDN'T. THESE ARE MINE.
NO. YOU HAVE HERS.
NO. I DON'T. THESE ARE MY PEAS.
HERS.
I DO NOT HAVE HER PEAS! I DO NOT HAVE HER PEAS!
YOU'RE THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING.
THANK YOU, SIR.

OH. YEAH.
YEAH. BECAUSE I DID RESEARCH. AND GUESS WHAT?
WHAT?
SINCE 1978, THE AVERAGE AMERICAN WORKER HAD AN 11% INCREASE IN COMPENSATION. SO TAKE THAT, YOU WHINY LITTLE PEONS.
DOES IT SAY HOW MUCH CEO PAY HAS GROWN SINCE THAT SAME YEAR?
I'M SURE IT'S ABOUT THE SAME. HERE IT IS. SINCE 1978, CEO PAY HAS GROWN...
940%.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE FOMENTING A REBELLION.

PIGITA, FOR VALENTINE'S DAY, I THINK WE SHOULD TAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
YEAH, FRANKLY, I THINK THAT'S LONG OVERDUE. SO YOU MEAN FINALLY MOVE IN TOGETHER?
SHARE A NETFLIX PASSWORD.
I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO EXPLAIN THE FINANCIAL BENEFITS.

well...do you know what day it is?
i sure do.
happy "not having anyone around to constrain our freedom" day!
it's our answer to Valentine's Day.
i see.
we celebrate by eating cold pizza alone.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. SINCE WE'RE NOW LIVING IN A NEW ERA OF TOGETHERNESS, I THOUGHT I'D OFFER YOU AN OLIVE BRANCH.
WHAP
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HIT HIM WITH IT.
THESE THINGS ARE CONFUSING.

TRADEMARK OFFICE. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I'VE GOT A TRADEMARK ON SOMETHING I INVENTED YEARS AGO AND NOW EVERYONE'S VIOLATING IT.
WHAT IS IT?
STAYING AWAY FROM OTHER PEOPLE.
YOU DIDN'T INVENT THAT.
FINE. BUT I PERFECTED IT.

SO HOW HAVE YOU GOTTEN THROUGH THIS PANDEMIC?
JUST DRINKING EVERY NIGHT. GIN, WINE, BEER.
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO'S GOTTEN THROUGH IT LIKE THAT, BUT SHE JUST DRINKS ON WEEKENDS.
SO SHE'S A DINO?
DINO?
DRINKER IN NAME ONLY.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A COMPETITION.
SOUNDS LIKE SHE LACKS COMMITMENT.

HEY, STEPH. FEEL LIKE HANGING OUT IN OUR SOCIALLY-DISTANCED BACKYARD?
CAN’T. I’M OUT WALKING. BEEN DOING IT MORE THAN EVER DURING THIS PANDEMIC.
JUST COME BY AFTER.
CAN’T.
WHY NOT?
I’M NOW 3000 MILES FROM HOME.
SOME PEOPLE TURN BACK.
HELP! I CAN’T STOP!

RUB
RUB
POOF
Hello, good sir ... I will grant you any wish.
HMMM. I THINK I WOULD LIKE A WONDERFUL WORLD WHERE PEOPLE OF ALL RACES AND CREEDS AND NATIONALITIES CAN SHARE IDEAS AND COMMUNICATE FREELY.
Very good, sir. I hereby invent the internet. Just for that.
OH WONDERFUL
And that shall give rise to something they call social media.
Where everyone can say what they want without any checks or gatekeepers.
WAIT.
WAIT. THAT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD.
And no one will know what news is true or not true and everyone will BE CONFUSED AND ANGRY.
NO. WAIT. STOP
WHICH BAD PEOPLE WILL EXPLOIT AND
BACK IN THE BOTTLE!! BACK IN THE BOTTLE!!
AND IT'S ALL HAPPENED.
COMES BACK, WALTER CRONKITE.
YES! I HOWEVER HAVE NO IDEA WHO HE IS.

WHY DO PEOPLE SAY REST IN PEACE WHEN SOMEBODY DIES? IT'S STUPID.
WHY IS IT STUPID?
BECAUSE "REST" IS BORING AND UNEVENTFUL. AND WHO WANTS IT TO GO ON FOR ETERNITY?
SO WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE WE SAY INSTEAD?
KICK THE AFTERLIFE'S @##!!
MIGHT LOOK ODD ON A WREATH.
I'VE RE-BRANDED DEATH.

RESUME FORM
Please fill in the sections.
SKILLS:
SKILLS:
No.
I DON'T THINK THAT WAS A YES/NO QUESTION.
IT IS FOR SOME OF US.