Pearls Before Swine | Search

Meet Bob.
PLEASE DON'T GIVE US A BAD REVIEW!
Bob reviews every restaurant he goes to on Yelp.
And every indie album he gets on iTunes.
"ONE STAR...
JERUNE AT BEST."
TYPE TYPE TYPE
And every place he rents on Air BNB.
"HOST DID NOT PROVIDE MINI MINT ON PILLOW."
And every book he buys on Amazon.
"BOB USED TO BE JUST AN AVERAGE GUY."
But now Bob impacts the business of everyone he encounters.
MY LATE HUSBAND AND I EXACTLY AS YOU ASKED FOR.
Please, Bob, I need this job.
WELCOME TO THE AGE OF BOB.
BWAH HA HAA
DUMB. STRIP.
ZERO STARS.
THAT'S A HARSH, BOB.

¡Cómo están,
estrelllas!
¡LA VACA!
¡LA VACA!
¡ADIOS CABALLEROS!
We apologize for any inconvenience.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO EXPAND MY MIND A LITTLE AND CAME UP WITH WHAT I THINK IS MY MOST BRILLIANT CHARACTER SO FAR... SPANISH-SPEAKING-CHICKEN-IN-A-LEVITATING-FRYING-PAN.
HOLA.
STATES SHOULD STOP LEGALIZING MARIJUANA.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
FORGIVENESS.
I AGREE.
AND YET I'M STILL WAITING FOR THE IDIOTS AROUND ME TO ASK ME FOR IT.
MAYBE I COULD GET A JOB SELLING INSURANCE.

I WANT TO GO OUT TO DINNER ALONE, BUT I'M WORRIED WHAT PEOPLE WILL THINK.
DO YOU WANT THE GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS FIRST?
GOOD NEWS.
PEOPLE DON'T THINK THAT MUCH ABOUT YOU.
BAD NEWS.
PEOPLE DON'T THINK THAT MUCH ABOUT YOU.
THAT'S ALMOST REASSURING.
LIVE YOUR LIFE, SAYS THE UNIVERSE.

WHAT KEEPS ME FROM BEING AS SUCCESSFUL AS I COULD BE?
SKILL.
WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT IT?
DESPAIR.
IT'S NICE TO GET RIGHT TO THE POINT.

HEY, RAT. DID YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED IN THE NEWS?
BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, YOU BETTER CHECK MY BAD NEWS CAPACITOR. IT TELLS YOU HOW MUCH MORE BAD NEWS I CAN TAKE.
I CAN COPE
GETTING UPSET
VERY UPSET
SNAP
MAYBE I'LL TELL SOMEONE ELSE.
WISE CHOICE.

YEAH, UH. I GOT A BIG HOUSE, NICE CAR.
IMPORTANT JOB TITLE.
HIGH SALARY.
LOT OF AWARDS.
HAPPY?
NO. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
WE ALL JUST WANT TO BE LOVED.
SOME SECRETS SHOULDN'T BE KEPT SECRET.

HEY, GUYS,
WHAT ARE
YOU UP TO?
JUST
TALKING.
JOIN
US.
WILL THE CONVERSATION
BE EXCLUSIVELY
ABOUT ME?
PROBABLY
NOT.
WHAT A WASTE
OF TIME THAT WOULD
HAVE BEEN.

WHO WAS ON THE PHONE, PIG?

NEIGHBOR BOB. HE'S INVITING US TO A PARTY--OUR THIRD THIS MONTH. LEMME GO TELL RAT.

PLEASE BRING BACK THE LOCKDOWN. PLEASE BRING BACK THE LOCKDOWN. PLEASE BRING BACK THE LOCKDOWN.

I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING.

DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN?
SURE. REPETITIVE LEARNING, HYPNOSIS, TRAUMA -- ALL THOSE THINGS CAN CHANGE HOW YOU THINK.
I MEANT REMOVE YOUR BRAIN AND PLOP IN A NEW ONE.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A THING.
SCIENCE IS SUCH A LETDOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THE STORY OF HOW THIS COMPANY GOT US HOOKED ON THEIR DRUG, LEADING TO A NATIONWIDE EPIDEMIC THAT'S COST US BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
STARBUCKS?
A DRUG THAT'S SLIGHTLY MORE ADDICTIVE.
NOTHING'S MORE ADDICTIVE.
NO ONE TOUCHES MY PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
MY FRIENDS ARE ALL GETTING MARRIED. NOW I FEEL LIKE IF I DON'T HURRY UP AND DO THE SAME, I'LL RUN OUT OF TIME AND BE LEFT ALL ALONE, A BIG LOSER.
IT'S REAL LIFE, NOT MUSICAL CHAIRS.
THEY LOOK A LOT ALIKE.
MUSICAL CHAIRS IS MORE FUN.

BWAHHHHHH
THUMPETTY THUMPETTY THU
BAH DUH DUH BAH DUH DUH BAH DE
PLEASE DON'T CHANGE MY ALARM TONE FROM A HARP TO METALLICA'S "KILL EM ALL."
WELCOME TO MONDAY.

Sorry to bother you, Mr. Senator, but there's something I don't understand.
Fire away.
Well, there are some issues that 90% of us agree with and yet you don't help us.
I'd love to! But I can't.
Why not?
Because I'd have to go against my own party.
So?
So without them, I can't win re-election.
So?
So then I'd lose all this power.
So?
So then I'd have to get a real job and be just like sad, little you.
Just kidding. We all become lobbyists and make ten times more money.
MAYBE THE ONLY PARTIES WE SHOULD HAVE ARE THE ONES WITH CAKE.
AND BEER. DRINKING HELPS.

WHO DO YOU THINK HAS HAD THE SINGLE BIGGEST INFLUENCE ON YOUR LIFE?
MY MOM. SHE'S THE REASON I AM WHERE I AM TODAY.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW SO?
NO MOM, NO BIRTH.
NOT REALLY WHAT THAT QUESTION MEANS.
NO BIRTH, NO CHEESE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I GOT THIS NEW APP WITH ALL THESE BRAIN EXERCISES. IT'S SUPPOSED TO KEEP YOU SHARP AS YOU AGE.
PULLED SOMETHING.

WISE ASS
ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, ALL I DO IS WORRY FROM THE MOMENT I GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING 'TIL THE MOMENT I GO BACK TO BED AT NIGHT. WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?
STAY IN BED.
THERE'S A REASON HE'S SO WISE.

A Public Service Message
While movies like Jurassic Park are fiction, the following is not:
The descendants of the Tyrannosaurus Rex, the deadliest killer in all of the dinosaur world, are all around you at this very moment.
BIRDS. BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID.
TWEET
WE'RE HOPING TO INSTALL MASS PANIC.
MAYBE IF YOU WERE TALLER.

WELL, HOWDY DOOO, RAT! CAN'T BEAT A MORNING LIKE THIS ONE!
NOPE.
BUT YOU CAN BEAT THE PERSON WHO TALKS DURING IT.
NON-MORNING PEOPLE SHOULD COME WITH A WARNING.

RAT'S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FOR A MONDAY:
SUCCESS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!
Too bad you can't find the corner.
NOT REALLY THAT INSPIRATIONAL.
THAT EXPRESSION SHOULD COME WITH A MAP.

HEY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
PLANNING OUR BIG SUMMER TRIP. WE'RE GONNA GO TO THE FRENCH RIVIERA. SIT IN THE SEA. ENJOY THE FOOD. DRINK THE WINE.
HOLD ON. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THE PRICE OF THESE INTERNATIONAL FLIGHTS
OH NO. MAYBE WE CAN GO SOMEWHERE IN THIS COUNTRY INSTEAD. LIKE NEW YORK CITY.
YEAH. WE CAN'T GO OUTS.. THESE FLIGHTS AREN'T MUCH CHEAPER..
WHAT THE..? WELL, LET'S JUST DRIVE SOMEWHERE.
SURE. IF WE DRIVE TO, LET'S SAY, CHICAGO, THE COST OF GAS WOULD BE...
NO WAY! THAT CAN'T BE!
IT IS. SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
LET'S NOT PUT THIS ON INSTAGRAM.
PASS THE DISCOUNT BEER.

I'M MEETING A FRIEND HERE TODAY. I THINK YOU'LL LIKE HIM. HE'S A LOT LIKE YOU.
I HATE HIM ALREADY.
MAYBE I'LL MEET HIM SOMEWHERE ELSE.
JUST BECAUSE I AM ME DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE ME.

I WANT A LIFE WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO EXERCISE.
IF YOU DON'T EXERCISE, YOU COULD REALLY SHORTEN YOUR LIFE.
AND THEN WHAT?
YOU DIE.
AND THEN I DON'T HAVE TO EXERCISE.
I'VE REALLY THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.

And with all that money I made, I bought a huge house.
I couldn’t be happier for you.
I hope muskats eat your insides.
I ACTUALLY ENJOY OTHER PEOPLE'S SUCCESS.
I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR YOU.