Pearls Before Swine | Search

BWAHHHHHH
THUMPETTY THUMPETTY THU
BAH DUH DUH BAH DUH DUH BAH DE
PLEASE DON'T CHANGE MY ALARM TONE FROM A HARP TO METALLICA'S "KILL EM ALL."
WELCOME TO MONDAY.

Sorry to bother you, Mr. Senator, but there's something I don't understand.
Fire away.
Well, there are some issues that 90% of us agree with and yet you don't help us.
I'd love to! But I can't.
Why not?
Because I'd have to go against my own party.
So?
So without them, I can't win re-election.
So?
So then I'd lose all this power.
So?
So then I'd have to get a real job and be just like sad, little you.
Just kidding. We all become lobbyists and make ten times more money.
MAYBE THE ONLY PARTIES WE SHOULD HAVE ARE THE ONES WITH CAKE.
AND BEER. DRINKING HELPS.

WHO DO YOU THINK HAS HAD THE SINGLE BIGGEST INFLUENCE ON YOUR LIFE?
MY MOM. SHE'S THE REASON I AM WHERE I AM TODAY.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW SO?
NO MOM, NO BIRTH.
NOT REALLY WHAT THAT QUESTION MEANS.
NO BIRTH, NO CHEESE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I GOT THIS NEW APP WITH ALL THESE BRAIN EXERCISES. IT'S SUPPOSED TO KEEP YOU SHARP AS YOU AGE.
PULLED SOMETHING.

WISE ASS
ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, ALL I DO IS WORRY FROM THE MOMENT I GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING 'TIL THE MOMENT I GO BACK TO BED AT NIGHT. WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?
STAY IN BED.
THERE'S A REASON HE'S SO WISE.

A Public Service Message
While movies like Jurassic Park are fiction, the following is not:
The descendants of the Tyrannosaurus Rex, the deadliest killer in all of the dinosaur world, are all around you at this very moment.
BIRDS. BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID.
TWEET
WE'RE HOPING TO INSTALL MASS PANIC.
MAYBE IF YOU WERE TALLER.

WELL, HOWDY DOOO, RAT! CAN'T BEAT A MORNING LIKE THIS ONE!
NOPE.
BUT YOU CAN BEAT THE PERSON WHO TALKS DURING IT.
NON-MORNING PEOPLE SHOULD COME WITH A WARNING.

RAT'S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FOR A MONDAY:
SUCCESS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!
Too bad you can't find the corner.
NOT REALLY THAT INSPIRATIONAL.
THAT EXPRESSION SHOULD COME WITH A MAP.

HEY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
PLANNING OUR BIG SUMMER TRIP. WE'RE GONNA GO TO THE FRENCH RIVIERA. SIT IN THE SEA. ENJOY THE FOOD. DRINK THE WINE.
HOLD ON. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THE PRICE OF THESE INTERNATIONAL FLIGHTS
OH NO. MAYBE WE CAN GO SOMEWHERE IN THIS COUNTRY INSTEAD. LIKE NEW YORK CITY.
YEAH. WE CAN'T GO OUTS.. THESE FLIGHTS AREN'T MUCH CHEAPER..
WHAT THE..? WELL, LET'S JUST DRIVE SOMEWHERE.
SURE. IF WE DRIVE TO, LET'S SAY, CHICAGO, THE COST OF GAS WOULD BE...
NO WAY! THAT CAN'T BE!
IT IS. SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
LET'S NOT PUT THIS ON INSTAGRAM.
PASS THE DISCOUNT BEER.

I'M MEETING A FRIEND HERE TODAY. I THINK YOU'LL LIKE HIM. HE'S A LOT LIKE YOU.
I HATE HIM ALREADY.
MAYBE I'LL MEET HIM SOMEWHERE ELSE.
JUST BECAUSE I AM ME DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE ME.

I WANT A LIFE WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO EXERCISE.
IF YOU DON'T EXERCISE, YOU COULD REALLY SHORTEN YOUR LIFE.
AND THEN WHAT?
YOU DIE.
AND THEN I DON'T HAVE TO EXERCISE.
I'VE REALLY THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.

And with all that money I made, I bought a huge house.
I couldn’t be happier for you.
I hope muskats eat your insides.
I ACTUALLY ENJOY OTHER PEOPLE'S SUCCESS.
I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR YOU.

HEY, RAT, I DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOU A BIG HEAD OR ANYTHING, BUT I READ THAT THING YOU WROTE AND IT WAS GREAT.
THIS IS WHY I DON'T COMPLIMENT YOU.
HOW WILL I GET OUT THE DOOR?

AWW. A CUTE LITTLE SONGBIRD... I BET HE'S COME TO EAT FROM MY BIRD FEEDER.
I AM THE DESCENDANT OF THE TYRANNOSAURUS REX. SO IF THIS WERE THEN, I'D BE EATING YOUR HEAD.
GRRR
LET'S STOP FILLING THE BIRD FEEDER.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHY DON’T I EVER SUCCEED?
BECAUSE YOU LACK CONFIDENCE.
HOW DO I GET CONFIDENCE?
BY HAVING SUCCESS.
LIFE IS CRUEL.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY COUSIN FROM CHICAGO.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT TOO GOOD. I HAD TO MOVE BACK HOME WITH MY PARENTS BECAUSE I LOST MY JOB. NOW I'M LIVING IN MY OLD ROOM.
WE ALSO HAVE THIS BAD ROOMMATE BACK HOME NAMED EVAN AND OUR APARTMENT IS RIGHT OVER THE ELEVATED RAILWAY.
YEAH. VERY NOISY. PLUS I MISS MY OLD APARTMENT. MY FAMILY LIVED RIGHT ABOVE ME IN THESE SITES.
YEAH, IF YOU'RE FEELING THAT BAD, YOU SHOULD TRY DRYING DISHES WITH ME. IT'S VERY RELAXING. YOUR MIND DRIFTS AND YOU FEEL BETTER.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED THAT?
NO, CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE.
YEAH. THAT'S GOOD THOUGH.
I'M HAPPENING.
THOUGH.
YEAH.
IMAGINE THERE'S NO EVAN.
IT'S EASY IF YOU DRY.
NO EL BELOW US.
ABOVE US ONLY DRIPES.
IMAGINE THERE'S NO STEPHAN.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE SECRET TO LIVING A LONG LIFE?
BREATHING.
AS IN TAKE DEEP MEDITATIVE BREATHS?
AS IN IF YOU STOP BREATHING, YOU WILL NOT LIVE A LONG LIFE.
IT'S HARD TO ARGUE.

I'M GOING CAMPING TOMORROW.
WHAT DOES THAT INVOLVE?
IT'S WHERE YOU DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF ALL THE NICE THINGS YOU HAVE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON.
BUT I LIKE MY THINGS.
HE'S NOT CORRECT.
IT'S ACTUALLY A FORM OF MENTAL ILLNESS.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A PROFESSIONAL WRITER?
YOU ASK YOURSELF ONE QUESTION.
DOES I WRITE GOODLY?
I DOES.
SO YOU IS.

I THINK THE KEY TO MENTAL HEALTH IS TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR THE THINGS YOU'VE DONE WRONG IN YOUR LIFE.
THEN GO OUT AND DO MORE WRONG!
I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE EXPLOITING SOMETHING.
NO TIME TO TALK, GOT MORE WRONG TO DO.

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR NEWS NOW?
I FOLLOW THIS GUY ON TIKTOK.
WHAT'S TIKTOK?
THE SOUND OF THE CLOCK RUNNING OUT ON OUR DEMOCRACY.
IS THAT TRUE?
NO. I WOULD HAVE HEARD ABOUT IT ON TIKTOK.

I HAD SOME BLOOD WORK DONE AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE TODAY.
THAT'S IMPORTANT. DOCTORS CAN REALLY GET A GOOD SENSE OF YOUR OVERALL HEALTH BY ANALYZING WHAT RUNS THROUGH YOUR VEINS.
IT WAS EIGHTY-TWO PERCENT CAFFEINE.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE.
I AGREE. I THINK IT'S HIGHER.

We is Cowed Response Team. We is specialize in sterylize zeeba homes.
No thanks.
I SEE. AND HOW TO YOU DO THAT?
We is heat home to high tempeture dat keels leetle Cowed guys.
THAT'S A FLAMETHROWER. YOU WANT TO USE A FLAMETHROWER INSIDE MY HOUSE?
If a probbam, we can so dedicate.
AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY BURN DOWN MY ENTIRE HOUSE WITH ME INSIDE IT?
Put sign in yard.
Zeeba BBQ All Staff meal well done.
Pat pat not for zeeba ears.
Customer retenshun hard.

I JUST WANT TO BE THE BEST IN THE WORLD AT ONE THING.
I'VE ACHIEVED THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU THE BEST AT?
FORGETTING PEOPLE'S NAMES.
NOT REALLY THE SAME.
GOOD COMEBACK, WHOEVER-YOU-ARE.

THE BEST
THINGS IN
LIFE ARE
FREE!
HEALTH CARE'S NOT FREE.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE THAT,
YOU JUST GET SICK
AND DIE.
THE BEST
THINGS IN LIFE
ARE FREE!
OH, CRAP.
WE'RE
HOSED.