Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hey, Bob. How are you doing?
This is my Sue. He peacefully protested last night.
Hey, Sue. How are--
If you don't care about what's happening in China you're part of the problem.
This is my wife and me in Morocco. This is my wife and me in Vietnam. This is my wife and me in Thailand...
If you voted for that guy, you're a moron and never speak to me again!!
AHHHHHHHH
I don't want to go there.
And yet we do.
BAD APPS! BAD APPS!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU MAKE?
PIG, NEIGHBOR BOB DOESN'T WANT TO ANSWER A QUESTION LIKE THAT. IT'S NOT POLITE.
OH.
PLEASE, IF YOU WILL, TELL ME HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE, THANK YOU.
STILL DIDN'T ANSWER.

PARDON ME, BUT I'M WITH "PEOPLE FOR CONGRESSMAN BOB" AND I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS PAMPHLET.
ALSO, I LOVE THE LANDSCAPING. NICE, BIG SANDBOX FOR A YARD. YOU MUST HAVE KIDS, WHICH IS GOOD. MEANS YOU CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE.
ALSO, I SEE I'M SINKING. IS THIS BY CHANCE QUICKSAND?
IT IS.
WE'LL DO THIS EVERY ELECTION YEAR.

I RAISED ALL THIS CASH TO FUND A CAMPAIGN AGAINST OUR CURRENT CITY COUNCIL'S DUMB PROPOSALS. WE PUT UP BILLBOARDS THAT JUST SAY "OH, PULEASE."
HAVE THEY BEEN A SUCCESS?
NO. THEY'VE HAD NO IMPACT AT ALL. I'M THINKING OF NO LONGER FUNDING IT.
YOU WANT TO DEFUND THE PULEASE?
SINCE WHEN ARE PUNS A CRIME?
SINCE NOW.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
MY FRIEND TEXTED ME SAYING I SHOULD HANG OUT WITH HIM BECAUSE HE'S A LOT OF FUN.
AND I AGREED. SO I WANTED TO TEXT HIM BACK AND SAY, "ARE YOU EVER?"
SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
APPLE. FOR PLACING THE EXCLAMATION POINT SO CLOSE TO THE QUESTION MARK.
Are you ever!

NINETY-THREE PERCENT OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE EVER LIVED ARE NOW DEAD.
THIS PROVES ALL EFFORT IS FUTILE.
THAT'S ONE WAY OF LOOKING AT IT.
EFFORT IS FOR SUCKERS.

All the dogs I've ever owned rush out all at once and start licking my face as I laugh uncontrollably.
THEOLOGY QUIZ
DEFINE HEAVEN
I THINK TECHNICALLY I HAVE TO PASS HIM.

WHAT'S ALL THIS, RAT?
THE BOX O' REDEMPTION. IT'S FOR SINNERS WHO SEEK FORGIVENESS FOR THE WRONGS THEY'VE COMMITTED.
HOW'S IT WORK?
YOU JUST GET INSIDE.
AND ALL IS FORGIVEN?
YEP. WHY, JUST THIS MORNING I GOT REDEMPTION FOR MY IMPATIENCE WITH NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS DUMB POLITICAL OPINIONS.
MY OPINIONS ARE DUMB? HOW 'BOUT LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, PAL?
CRACK
ADMITTEDLY, THE SYSTEM CAN BE ABUSED.

ARE DUMB PEOPLE MULTIPLYING FASTER THAN SMART PEOPLE?
I DON’T THINK SO. WHY’S?
I’M JUST GETTING SOME REALLY HIGH READINGS ON MY INTERNAL METER O’ STUPIDOSTITY.
SUDDENLY SO AM I.
HE’S GOT SO MUCH SMARTITUDE.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I'VE BEEN DOING A TON OF RESEARCH AND READING DIFFERENT THINGS TO TRY AND DETERMINE THE KIND OF PEOPLE I'M MOST COMPATIBLE WITH.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT SO FAR?
NICE ONES
MEAN PEOPLE FINISHED POORLY.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
ON ANTISOCIAL MEDIA.
YOU MEAN 'SOCIAL.'
SO IT'S SOCIAL FOR ME TO SIT ALONE IN MY ROOM HURLING INSULTS AT TOTAL STRANGERS I'LL NEVER MEET?
LET ME RETHINK THIS.
MAYBE I'M MORE OF A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY THAN I THOUGHT.

RUSSIA
INVADES
UKRAINE!
HE NEVER DID LIKE BULLIES.
SLAVA UKRAINI!

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU SEEN MY LINE OF CLOTHING THAT SHOWS MY AWARENESS OF THE STATE JUST EAST OF MARYLAND?
I PUT IT ALL IN YOUR CLOSET.
YOU PUT MY DELAWARE-AWARE WEAR WHERE?
COMIC STRIPS SHOULDN'T MAKE PEOPLE ANGRY.

IT DOES APPEAR THAT THE PANDEMIC OF THE LAST TWO YEARS IS FINALLY ENDING...
THE PANDEMIC IS ENDING! THE PANDEMIC IS ENDING!
MAYBE I'LL NEVER LEAVE HOME.
ARE THOSE LOCUSTS?

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MY OLD PREDATORS, THE CROCS.
OH, DAT LONG TIME AGO. NOW WE HELP COUNTRY.
BY GIVING COVID TESTS?
YES. VERY IMPORTANT. TESTS IS SAVE LIVES.
THAT'S GREAT. I'M HAPPY TO DO MY PART BY GETTING TESTED.
Okay. So you is gotta stick tiny swab up nose.
YES. WELL, I THINK WE ALL HAD PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE WITH THAT BY NOW. GO AHEAD AND GIVE ME THE SWAB.
Okay, okay.
Some guys really afraid of testing.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M PIG. AND I'M LONELY ALL THE TIME.
SO?
SO EVEN THIS SMALL INTERACTION WITH A TOTAL STRANGER IS ENOUGH TO GET ME THROUGH THE DAY.
GREAT. ARE WE DONE?
WE ARE.
WE NEED LESS LONELY NEIGHBORS.
WOULD A HUG BE OUT OF THE QUESTION?

I'M FINALLY ABOUT TO START MAKING SOME REAL MONEY.
DOING WHAT?
TEACHING A COURSE ON PATIENCE.
WHEN DOES IT START?
IN SIX YEARS.
IF THEY DON'T COMPLAIN, THEY PASS.

HEY, GOAT. DID YOU READ THE MANUSCRIPT OF THAT BOOK I'M WRITING?
YEAH, I LIKED IT.
WHEN A WRITER ASKS YOU WHAT YOU THINK OF HIS LATEST WORK, YOUR ANSWER MUST CONTAIN ONE OF TWO PHRASES: "UNSURPASSED BRILLIANCE" OR "UNPARALLELED GENIUS."
YOU'VE FALLEN SHORT.
NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH A WRITER.
BRILLIANT WRITER. SAY IT LOUD.

MONDAY WAS TERRIBLE.
TUESDAY WAS TERRIBLE.
TODAY WAS TERRIBLE.
WELL, TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY.
WAY TO BRING ME DOWN.
MEANT TO COMFORT.
ODD LOGIC WHEN DAYS ARE THE PROBLEM.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS. TEACH ME ONE OF LIFE'S TRUISMS.
IN ANY MEETING OF PEOPLE, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE AT LEAST ONE GUY WHO ASKS QUESTIONS ONLY TO DEMONSTRATE HIS OWN KNOWLEDGE TO OTHERS.
IS THAT LIKE WHAT THEY TAUGHT ME ABOUT IN MY GRADUATE THESIS COURSE ON THE GREEK ETHOS OF--
JUST MY LUCK I GET THE ONE.

WELL, HOWDY-DO AND GOOD MORNING TO YOU, RAT!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
EVERY DAY I TRY TO DO ONE NICE THING FOR OTHERS. THIS WEEK MY NICE THING IS CHEERY MORNING GREETINGS. YOU SHOULD TRY DOING ONE NICE THING A DAY TOO.
THERE. JUST DID IT.
WHAT WAS IT?
DIDN'T PUNCH YOU FOR THAT CHEERY MORNING GREETING.
NON-MORNING PEOPLE SHOULD ALWAYS BE LEFT ALONE.

LIFE'S ASS
WAITING HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS. LIFE HAS BEEN QUITE HARD LATELY. THE VIRUS. THE DISASTERS. THE DIVISION...WHAT CAN WE DO?
YOU CAN REMEMBER ONE THING.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
REALLY?
I PROMISE.
THEN YOU GET ALL NEW PROBLEMS.
WANT THE GOOD NEWS OR THE BAD?

HEY, PIG, IT'S ME, GOAT. YOU COMING TO THE DINER TONIGHT FOR DINNER?
CAN'T. I'M TAKING A NICE, RELAXING BUBBLEBATH.
ANOTHER ONE? YOU WERE TAKING A BATH WHEN I INVITED YOU TO BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.
I NEVER LEFT.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET BUBBLEBATHS.

DID YOU
GET
VACCINATED?
YEP.
BOTH
SHOTS.
I GOT
BOTH SHOTS
AND
BOOSTED.
I GOT BOTH SHOTS, BOOSTED AND DOUBLE-BOOSTED!
I GOT BOTH SHOTS, BOOSTED, DOUBLE-BOOSTED, TRIPLE-BOOSTED, AND WILL NOW JAB THIS NEEDLE OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN INTO MY ARM JUST TO PROVE MY SUPERIORITY!
THIS
IS NOT
A
COMPETITION.
I'M
FAINTING,
BUT STILL
BETTER
THAN YOU.
WRONG.
I'LL
USE
THIS
NEEDLE.

HEY, RAT... WHY'D YOU BRING YOUR CROQUET MALLET TO THE DINER?
TO WHACK EACH AND EVERY PERSON I CAN FIND WHO'S BEEN POSTING THEIR WORDLE SCORES ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
AT LEAST THERE'LL BE NO WAIT FOR A TABLE.