Pearls Before Swine | Search

All the dogs I've ever owned rush out all at once and start licking my face as I laugh uncontrollably.
THEOLOGY QUIZ
DEFINE HEAVEN
I THINK TECHNICALLY I HAVE TO PASS HIM.

WHAT'S ALL THIS, RAT?
THE BOX O' REDEMPTION. IT'S FOR SINNERS WHO SEEK FORGIVENESS FOR THE WRONGS THEY'VE COMMITTED.
HOW'S IT WORK?
YOU JUST GET INSIDE.
AND ALL IS FORGIVEN?
YEP. WHY, JUST THIS MORNING I GOT REDEMPTION FOR MY IMPATIENCE WITH NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS DUMB POLITICAL OPINIONS.
MY OPINIONS ARE DUMB? HOW 'BOUT LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, PAL?
CRACK
ADMITTEDLY, THE SYSTEM CAN BE ABUSED.

ARE DUMB PEOPLE MULTIPLYING FASTER THAN SMART PEOPLE?
I DON’T THINK SO. WHY’S?
I’M JUST GETTING SOME REALLY HIGH READINGS ON MY INTERNAL METER O’ STUPIDOSTITY.
SUDDENLY SO AM I.
HE’S GOT SO MUCH SMARTITUDE.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I'VE BEEN DOING A TON OF RESEARCH AND READING DIFFERENT THINGS TO TRY AND DETERMINE THE KIND OF PEOPLE I'M MOST COMPATIBLE WITH.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT SO FAR?
NICE ONES
MEAN PEOPLE FINISHED POORLY.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
ON ANTISOCIAL MEDIA.
YOU MEAN 'SOCIAL.'
SO IT'S SOCIAL FOR ME TO SIT ALONE IN MY ROOM HURLING INSULTS AT TOTAL STRANGERS I'LL NEVER MEET?
LET ME RETHINK THIS.
MAYBE I'M MORE OF A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY THAN I THOUGHT.

RUSSIA
INVADES
UKRAINE!
HE NEVER DID LIKE BULLIES.
SLAVA UKRAINI!

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU SEEN MY LINE OF CLOTHING THAT SHOWS MY AWARENESS OF THE STATE JUST EAST OF MARYLAND?
I PUT IT ALL IN YOUR CLOSET.
YOU PUT MY DELAWARE-AWARE WEAR WHERE?
COMIC STRIPS SHOULDN'T MAKE PEOPLE ANGRY.

IT DOES APPEAR THAT THE PANDEMIC OF THE LAST TWO YEARS IS FINALLY ENDING...
THE PANDEMIC IS ENDING! THE PANDEMIC IS ENDING!
MAYBE I'LL NEVER LEAVE HOME.
ARE THOSE LOCUSTS?

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MY OLD PREDATORS, THE CROCS.
OH, DAT LONG TIME AGO. NOW WE HELP COUNTRY.
BY GIVING COVID TESTS?
YES. VERY IMPORTANT. TESTS IS SAVE LIVES.
THAT'S GREAT. I'M HAPPY TO DO MY PART BY GETTING TESTED.
Okay. So you is gotta stick tiny swab up nose.
YES. WELL, I THINK WE ALL HAD PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE WITH THAT BY NOW. GO AHEAD AND GIVE ME THE SWAB.
Okay, okay.
Some guys really afraid of testing.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M PIG. AND I'M LONELY ALL THE TIME.
SO?
SO EVEN THIS SMALL INTERACTION WITH A TOTAL STRANGER IS ENOUGH TO GET ME THROUGH THE DAY.
GREAT. ARE WE DONE?
WE ARE.
WE NEED LESS LONELY NEIGHBORS.
WOULD A HUG BE OUT OF THE QUESTION?

I'M FINALLY ABOUT TO START MAKING SOME REAL MONEY.
DOING WHAT?
TEACHING A COURSE ON PATIENCE.
WHEN DOES IT START?
IN SIX YEARS.
IF THEY DON'T COMPLAIN, THEY PASS.

HEY, GOAT. DID YOU READ THE MANUSCRIPT OF THAT BOOK I'M WRITING?
YEAH, I LIKED IT.
WHEN A WRITER ASKS YOU WHAT YOU THINK OF HIS LATEST WORK, YOUR ANSWER MUST CONTAIN ONE OF TWO PHRASES: "UNSURPASSED BRILLIANCE" OR "UNPARALLELED GENIUS."
YOU'VE FALLEN SHORT.
NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH A WRITER.
BRILLIANT WRITER. SAY IT LOUD.

MONDAY WAS TERRIBLE.
TUESDAY WAS TERRIBLE.
TODAY WAS TERRIBLE.
WELL, TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY.
WAY TO BRING ME DOWN.
MEANT TO COMFORT.
ODD LOGIC WHEN DAYS ARE THE PROBLEM.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS. TEACH ME ONE OF LIFE'S TRUISMS.
IN ANY MEETING OF PEOPLE, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE AT LEAST ONE GUY WHO ASKS QUESTIONS ONLY TO DEMONSTRATE HIS OWN KNOWLEDGE TO OTHERS.
IS THAT LIKE WHAT THEY TAUGHT ME ABOUT IN MY GRADUATE THESIS COURSE ON THE GREEK ETHOS OF--
JUST MY LUCK I GET THE ONE.

WELL, HOWDY-DO AND GOOD MORNING TO YOU, RAT!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
EVERY DAY I TRY TO DO ONE NICE THING FOR OTHERS. THIS WEEK MY NICE THING IS CHEERY MORNING GREETINGS. YOU SHOULD TRY DOING ONE NICE THING A DAY TOO.
THERE. JUST DID IT.
WHAT WAS IT?
DIDN'T PUNCH YOU FOR THAT CHEERY MORNING GREETING.
NON-MORNING PEOPLE SHOULD ALWAYS BE LEFT ALONE.

LIFE'S ASS
WAITING HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS. LIFE HAS BEEN QUITE HARD LATELY. THE VIRUS. THE DISASTERS. THE DIVISION...WHAT CAN WE DO?
YOU CAN REMEMBER ONE THING.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
REALLY?
I PROMISE.
THEN YOU GET ALL NEW PROBLEMS.
WANT THE GOOD NEWS OR THE BAD?

HEY, PIG, IT'S ME, GOAT. YOU COMING TO THE DINER TONIGHT FOR DINNER?
CAN'T. I'M TAKING A NICE, RELAXING BUBBLEBATH.
ANOTHER ONE? YOU WERE TAKING A BATH WHEN I INVITED YOU TO BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.
I NEVER LEFT.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET BUBBLEBATHS.

DID YOU
GET
VACCINATED?
YEP.
BOTH
SHOTS.
I GOT
BOTH SHOTS
AND
BOOSTED.
I GOT BOTH SHOTS, BOOSTED AND DOUBLE-BOOSTED!
I GOT BOTH SHOTS, BOOSTED, DOUBLE-BOOSTED, TRIPLE-BOOSTED, AND WILL NOW JAB THIS NEEDLE OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN INTO MY ARM JUST TO PROVE MY SUPERIORITY!
THIS
IS NOT
A
COMPETITION.
I'M
FAINTING,
BUT STILL
BETTER
THAN YOU.
WRONG.
I'LL
USE
THIS
NEEDLE.

HEY, RAT... WHY'D YOU BRING YOUR CROQUET MALLET TO THE DINER?
TO WHACK EACH AND EVERY PERSON I CAN FIND WHO'S BEEN POSTING THEIR WORDLE SCORES ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
AT LEAST THERE'LL BE NO WAIT FOR A TABLE.

MY CIRCLE OF ACQUAINTANCES PRE-PANDEMIC...
THE CIRCLE OF ACQUAINTANCES I WAS UNFORTUNATELY LIMITED TO DURING THE PANDEMIC...
THE CIRCLE OF ACQUAINTANCES I'M EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT I'M NOW CHOOSING...
PANDEMICS HAVE STRANGE CONSEQUENCES.
NOW I JUST NEED MY DOG AND MY CHEESE.

IF YOU COULD BE ANYONE ELSE, WHO WOULD YOU BE ?
A GUY WHO NEVER WANTS TO BE ANYONE ELSE.
PLEASE. DON'T INJECT DEPTH INTO MY SHALLOW BANTER.
BRAD PITT.

Tracking the Coronavirus
New cases
35,488
% change
-52%
Tracking the Desperation Caused by Isolation and Loneliness
New cases
5,382,548
% change
+38%
CASES ARE RISING.

TOURNAMENT BRACKET
MORNING PEOPLE
GRAMMAR SNOBS
MORNING PEOPLE
INTERNET TROLLS
ELEVATOR WHISTLERS
INTERNET TROLLS
SOCIAL MEDIA OVERSHARERS
PEOPLE WHO INCLUDE YOU IN TEXT CHAINS YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ON
SOCIAL MEDIA OVERSHARERS
TELEMARKETERS
PEOPLE WHO DRIVE 55 IN THE FAST LANE
DEBBIE DOWNERS
THE "I'M OFFENDED" CROWD
THE "I'M OFFENDED" CROWD
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
CYCLISTS
SOME PEOPLE USE THESE BRACKETS FOR COLLEGE BASKETBALL
PEOPLE WHO TURN EVERY MINOR BATTLE TO THE DEATH
HOW FAR DO YOU HAVE SELF-RIGHTEOUS VEGANS GOING?

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I'VE TURNED TO ALL THE GREAT RELIGIONS AND PHILOSOPHIES OF THE EAST AND WEST, AND I STILL DON'T KNOW THE SECRET OF HAPPINESS.
DRINKING WINE IN A BUBBLEBATH.
IT WAS SO DARN OBVIOUS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO SET SOME WORK GOALS.
OH, YEAH? LIKE WHAT?
Don't do any.
HELPS TO KEEP ME FOCUSED.