Pearls Before Swine | Search

HARDWARE STORE
THE
Everything-Will-
Be-Okay-Again-
PORTAL
JUST WALK
THROUGH
THE
Everything-Will-
Be-Okay-Again-
PORTAL
JUST
WALK
THROUGH
THE
Everything-Will-
Be-Okay-Again-
PORTAL
JUST
WALK
THROUGH
IF
ONLY.
I'M TRYING
IT ANYWAY.
I MISSED YOU,
HAPPINESS!

The stranger sneezed.
'Bless you,' I said.
HEY, RAT, YOU WRITING A STORY?
NO. I'M LISTING ALL MY GOOD DEEDS FOR THE YEAR.
A LOVER OF MANKIND.
'Now sit further away,' I yelled at the sicko.

SO THEN A RIGHT TURN HERE, A LEFT HERE, ANOTHER LEFT, AND THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT'S THAT A MAP OF?
WHERE MY LIFE WENT WRONG.
DIDN'T KNOW THEY MADE THOSE.
AND WHAT'S THIS?
THE DEAD END YOU'RE STUCK IN.

HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING, PIG?
WELL, I THOUGHT I LOST MY QUARTERS IN THE DRYER AT THE LAUNDROMAT. BUT THEN I BANGED ON IT AND GOT MY QUARTERS BACK.
#LIVINGMYBESTLIFE
NOT WHEN THAT PHRASE IS GENERALLY USED.
DON'T RUIN THE MOMENT.

HI, ALLY ACTRESS. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TODAY?
GOTTA GO TAKE SOME HEADSHOTS.
OH, WELL, GOOD TO TALK TO YOU, BUT I GOTTA GET GOING.
I JUST AVERTED TRAGEDY.

DID YOU HEAR THIS STORY ABOUT THE BAD STUFF THIS ACTRESS DID?
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE?
I SAW IT ON THE TWITTER.
BUT TWITTER DOESN'T VERIFY THAT IT'S TRUE.
YES IT DOES. THEY EMPLOY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO VERIFY THE TRUTH OF EACH STORY BEFORE IT GETS TWEETED OUT.
WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ON THE TWITTER.
NO.
SOUNDS RIGHT. I'LL TWEET THAT.

I was with a friend of mine this morning. I think I solved all of her problems.
Oh yeah? How?
I stopped causing them.
I don’t think you get credit for that.
She seemed grateful.

HEY, PIG. MY FOUR SISTERS ARE COMING OVER TODAY.
WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
HELEN. MARY LEE. VYE LEE. BUT THAT REMINDS ME, MY MOM THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY TO GIVE THEM ALL THE SAME NAME.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT. ARE THEY EXCITED ABOUT THE VISIT?
NOT REALLY. EACH OF THEM HAS A STOMACH ACHE.
HEY. I HAVE A REMEDY FOR THAT.
WHAT'S THAT?
I DROP SOME ICE IN WATER. THE SOUND OF THE FIZZ RELAXES ME AND MAKES ME DREAM OF BUDDHA. THEN MY STOMACH SUDDENLY FEELS FINE.
THAT'S GREAT. HERE THEY COME NOW. TELL THEM AND YOU CAN GIVE THEM A STEP-BY-STEP CURE FOR STOMACH ACHES.
YOU TELL EACH OF US THE STEPS.
MARY LEE. MARY LEE. MARY LEE. MARY LEE. VYE-L'EE. FIZZ. BUDDHA. DREAM.
IT FEELS MORE LIKE A NIGHTMARE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
POSTING SOMETHING ON SOCIAL MEDIA THAT I HOPE WILL GO VIRAL. I HEARD THEIR ALGORITHMS PRIORITIZE CONFLICT.
SO WHAT DID YOU POST?
I want to punch you all in the face.
WHAT A WONDERFUL ERA.
HEY, MOST RETWEETS EVER.

3,660 HOURS OF NETFLIX PROGRAMS
IS THAT AN AD FOR NETFLIX?
MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS FOR THE YEAR.
YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.
I'M HOPING FOR A PRIZE.

LIFE'S MOTTO FROM BIRTH TO 2019:
THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
LIFE'S MOTTO IN 2020:
THIS WILL PROBABLY PASS.
LIFE'S MOTTO IN 2021:
WHAT THE @$%# IS HAPPENING?!
I SENSE A DOWNWARD TREND.
I FEAR NEXT YEAR'S.

OH, MY GOODNESS! I'M SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS DATE I'M ABOUT TO GO ON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
YOU CAN'T MEET HER IN THAT STATE. YOU'LL MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF.
THEN WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?! I'M JUST SO HAPPY!
HANG ON. I KEEP A "NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTER HERE FOR JUST THIS OCCASION.
EVERYONE'S DYING AND THE WORLD IS ENDING.
HEY. IT WORKED.
YEAH. THEY CAN REALLY BRING YOU DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, RAT?
OUR NATIONAL PASTIME.
I JUST LOVE THE CRACK OF THE BAT, THE HITTING, THE RUNNING. THE STEALING.
BASEBALL DOES HOLD US ALL TOGETHER.
BASEBALL? I'M WATCHING RIOTING.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED IN THIS COUNTRY.
OH, YEAH. BASEBALL WAS MUCH LESS EXCITING.

Make every day better than the last!
NOT HARD WHEN THE DAYS ARE AS CRAPPY AS THESE.
PLEASE DON'T WRITE IN MY MOTIVATIONAL DIARY.

Motivation For Going To Work:
Develop important skills.
Impress boss with reliability.
Climb the corporate ladder and advance my career.
Avoid starvation.
I KNEW SOMETHING WOULD RESONATE.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN SOMEONE IS TALKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE'S GOALS AND THEY TELL YOU TO "REACH FOR THE MOON"?
IT MEANS SET YOUR GOALS REALLY HIGH.
BUT IS THE MOON SOMETHING YOU CAN ACTUALLY STRETCH OUT AND REACH?
OF COURSE NOT.
SO THEY'RE CONDEMNING ME TO A LIFETIME OF FUTILITY?
NEVER MIND.
I CAN'T EVEN REACH THE TOP SHELF OF MY PANTRY.

You can't change the past.
But there is one thing you can do.
Cry about it constantly.
I LOST MY JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.

EXCUSE ME, BUT ARE YOU STEPHAN PASTIS?
HAHA, YEAH, I AM. DO YOU KNOW ME FROM "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" OR MY KIDS BOOK "TIMMY FAILURE"?
I KNOW YOU FROM THIS CREDIT CARD BECAUSE I'M ENDING MY SHIFT AND NEED TO CLOSE IT OUT.
YOU SAD, MISERABLE PUTZ.
SHOULD I SIGN THE RECEIPT ‘BEST WISHES’?

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
HELP ME, O WISE ASS, FOR I CONSTANTLY NEED MY LIFE VALIDATED, SO I POST PHOTOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA, BUT IF THEY GET LESS THAN FIFTY LIKES, I FEEL WORTHLESS.
YEAH, FIFTY'S NOT VERY HIGH.
HE WASN'T HELPFUL.

Leadership Skills Test
Life presents you with a situation in which all available options are bad. What do you do?
Nap.
YOU MAY NOT BE LEADERSHIP MATERIAL.
BUT I ALWAYS FEEL REFRESHED.

DID YOU KNOW THAT SIXTY PERCENT OF YOUR BODY IS WATER?
CAN'T BE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE I'M EIGHTY PERCENT SPITE.
I WON'T ARGUE.
IT'S A WONDER I'VE MADE IT THIS LONG.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. HERE'S MY TEN BUCKS.
OKAY. HERE YOU GO.
A BALLOON? WHO WANTS A STUPID BA --
WHAT THE -- WHAT'S GOING ON?
TAKES YOU TO A NEW WORLD.
WHAT GOOD IS THAT?
YOU'RE ONE LESS PERSON CLOGGING UP MY MORNING COMMUTE.
HOW'S THAT A BETTER FUTURE FOR ME?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT YOU?
GUY DOESN'T READ SIGNS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
GOOD. JUST WENT DEER HUNTING.
OH, GOODNESS. I COULD NEVER KILL A LIVING THING.
HOW DO YOU THINK THAT BEEF GOT ON YOUR BURGER?
RONALD McDONALD WAITED PATIENTLY FOR AN OLD COW TO DIE IN HIS SLEEP.
NOT HOW THAT GOES.
AND THE COW HAD ACHIEVED ALL HIS DREAMS AND WAS READY.

WHAT IF THIS WHOLE PANDEMIC THING NEVER ENDS AND WE JUST KEEP GETTING NEW STRAINS OF THE VIRUS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, NEIGHBOR BOB, I'M AFRAID MY NEGATIVITY BUCKET IS ALREADY FILLED TO THE BRIM THESE DAYS AND JUST CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER DROP. SO, I'M SORRY, BUT...
WHEN YOUR NEGATIVITY BUCKET IS FULL, IT'S FULL.

WHERE'S THAT NEIGHBOR WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO COME OVER?
HE'S HEADED DOWNTOWN LATER, SO HE NEEDED TO RUN HOME AND GRAB A MASK.
FOR THE VIRUS, THE SMOKE FROM THE FIRES, OR TO ATTEND A RACIST RALLY?
I SHOULD HAVE ASKED.
YOU HAVE TO BE VERY SPECIFIC NOW.