Pearls Before Swine | Search

INFLEXES ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL, WHY ARE WE HERE ON THIS EARTH?
NO ONE KNOWS.
SO WHAT DO WE DO?
THE BEST WE CAN. ALSO, ICE CREAM GOOD.
WE HAVE ALL WE NEED.

IF I CAN JUST ADD A FEW MORE FOLLOWERS ON SOCIAL MEDIA, I'LL HAVE MORE THAN ANYONE I KNOW.
AND THEN WHAT?
I'LL ADD MORE.
AND THEN WHAT?
MORE.
THEN WHAT?
TRUE INNER PEACE.
I WON'T WAIT UP.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THOSE TWINKIES?

I INVITED OVER PEOPLE FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE POLITICAL SPECTRUM TO TRY AND HAVE AN OPEN, HONEST DIALOGUE.

TWINKIES? DO I HAVE AN OPINION ON THOSE?

YES. WE MUST HAVE OPINIONS.

SUPPORT THE TWINKIE!

DE-FUND THE TWINKIE!

THAT WENT WELL.

MAYBE I SHOULDA HAVE GONE WITH DING DONGS.

ISN'T IT INCREDIBLE THAT WE HOLD A DEVICE IN OUR HANDS THAT GIVES US MINUTE-BY-MINUTE UPDATES ON EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD?
ON A SIDENOTE, WHY AM I ALWAYS SO DEPRESSED?
THERE COULDN'T BE ANY CONNECTION.
OH, LOOK, ANOTHER NATURAL DISASTER.

I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT HOW I WANT TO!
I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT WHEN I WANT TO!
I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT WHERE I WANT TO!
I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT HOW I WANT TO!
I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT WHEN I WANT TO!
I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT WHERE I WANT TO!
Though I must admit progress has been slow.
I CALL IT WHY OUR COUNTRY’S NOT PROGRESSING!
JUST HIT THE OTHER GUY WITH YOUR OAR!

Hullo, zeeba neighba. Dis Clift. He is, like, writer of books.
WHAT USE DO A BUNCH OF ILLITERATE PREDATORS HAVE FOR A WRITER?
Slow, mopey guy we can eat in hard times.
You not good for self-esteem.

I WANT TO WORK REALLY HARD SO I CAN RETIRE EARLY ONE DAY.
WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE RETIRED?
OH, YOU KNOW. SLEEP LATE, COME INTO THE CAFE FOR COFFEE, WATCH SOME T.V., NAP IN THE AFTERNOON.
THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT YOU DO NOW.
WORKING HARD IS FOR SUCKERS.

WELL. I'M OFF TO THE MAYO CLINIC.
OH MY GOODNESS, PIG. IS SOMETHING WRONG?
I'M AFRAID SO.
WHAT IS IT?
I HAVE NOT BEEN EATING ENOUGH MAYONNAISE.
SHOULD I TELL HIM OR YOU?
IT'S LIKE I'VE FOUND MY PEOPLE.

HEY, PIG. HEARD YOU MADE YOUR OWN COFFEE TABLE. I'D LOVE TO SEE IT.
OH, SURE.
IT'S LITERALLY JUST FOR COFFEE.
WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU PUT ON A COFFEE TABLE?

HEY, GOAT, WHO'S YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD?
I THINK THAT'S SORT OF A QUESTION MOSTLY ASKED BY CHILDREN. AS AN ADULT, I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT WAY.
I PREFER TO STAY IN THE KIDDIE POOL OF LIFE.
NOT A BAD WAY TO LIVE, BUDDY.
HEY, DO YOU EAT THE INSIDE OF AN OREO FIRST?

HI, GOAT. HOW’S YOUR NEW EXERCISE PLAN? HAVE YOU QUIT YET?
HEY, THE WORD QUIT ISN'T EVEN IN MY VOCABULARY.
I HAVE A WORD LIKE THAT.
WHAT?
‘SHARING’
GOOD TO KNOW.
SHOOT. I SAID IT.

WHAT'S ALL THIS, BRO?
THE "MAGIC BOX O' SMARTNESS." HOP INSIDE AND WATCH AS YOUR INTELLIGENCE GROWS.
LET'S DO IT, DUDE.
YEAH, WE'LL BE, LIKE, WAY SMART.
ALRIGHT...NOW LET MAGIC RAT SEAL YOU TIGHTLY INSIDE.
HANG ON A SEC. THERE'S A BUNCH OF STUFF IN HERE.
OH, YEAH. THOSE ARE BOOKS.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE READING 'EM, I'LL TOSS IN MORE.
SO IT'S NOT SO MUCH MAGIC AS IT IS EDUCATION.
THESE HAVE DESPERATE TIMES.
HEY, HOW DO YOU OPEN A BOOK?

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, PIG?
THESE CHOCOLATE CANDIES WITH A TASTY FILLING MADE BY ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISTS IN AFGHANISTAN.
WHAT ARE THEY CALLED?
TALIBONBONS.
AMEREECAN HUMOR BAD.
NO, NO. JUST HIS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING INTO A CRYSTAL BALL TO TRY AND DETERMINE MY FUTURE.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
CRYSTAL.
GET HELP.
MAYBE I'M CRUSHED BY A CHANDELIER.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL...WHY AM I SO UNHAPPY?
YOU, LIKE MANY OTHERS, ARE TOO CONSUMED BY THE DRIVE TO SUCCEED. YOU MUST FILL THAT DRIVE WITH SOMETHING MORE SATISFYING.
I'VE GOT IT. I WILL ROOT FOR OTHERS TO FAIL.
HE KICKED ME OFF THE HILL.

I HAVE FATIGUE DUE TO COVID.
OH, NO. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD HAD COVID.
I DIDN'T.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M JUST TIRED OF COVID.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE SAME.
SICK AND TIRED, IN FACT.

Dear This Week...
You have started out very poorly.
Please improve or I shall skip ahead to next week.
LIFE IS NOT A STREAMING SERVICE.
IT WOULD BE A NICE FEATURE.

HEY, GONEZOOM, HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT MAKING A WILL SO THAT YOUR LOVED ONES WILL KNOW HOW YOU WANT YOUR POSSESSIONS DISTRIBUTED?
THAT'S A GOOD POINT. CAN YOU WRITE THIS DOWN FOR ME?
SURE.
"ONE CARROT, TO WHOMEVER PICKS IT UP."
GONEZOOM HAS AN ANNOYING SENSE OF HUMOR.

UGLY FAILURE.
GUTLESS TRAITOR. YOU’RE DUMBER THAN YOU LOOK.
GUYS WHO THINK LIKE YOU ARE LITERALLY A WASTE OF SPACE ON THIS PLANET.
YOU’RE A FRAUD AND A LOSER AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT.
HOW DOES A FATHEAD LIKE YOU EVEN GET A JOB? I WOULDN’T CARE IF YOU WENT BROKE AND STARVED.
YOU SHOULD JUST DIE, SCUM.
IF PEOPLE TALKED IN REAL LIFE LIKE THEY DO ON THE INTERNET
I THINK I KNOW WHY I GOT OFF THE INTERNET.
HANG ON. TROLLING SOMEONE.

NO ONE CARES.
AND THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. TO MAKE THEM CARE.
THEN YOU'LL BE SITTING THERE EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
GOOD THING IT'S A COMFY CHAIR.

HI. TABLE FOR TWO PLEASE.
SURE. LEMME JUST POINT THIS AT YOUR FOREHEAD.
A TEMPERATURE THERMOMETER? LISTEN, PAL. WE'RE SICK OF ALL THIS VIRUS STUFF.
OH, NO. THIS TESTS FOR WHETHER YOU'RE A PAIN-IN-THE-@%# CUSTOMER, AND OH LOOK, YOU'VE FAILED.
THIS COULD BE REALLY LIMITING.

Things we're glad we didn't know when the world shut down in early 2020:
That we'd still be in this same situation two years later.
AHHHHHH
SAME SPOT. DIFFERENT YEAR.
AH, IGNORANCE.

YEAH, I'M HERE FOR MY MEDIUM, DECAF, SUGAR-FREE,
VANILLA LATTE WITH SOY MILK. I CALLED IT IN.
SORRY, WE'RE BUSY.
I STILL HAVE TO MAKE IT.
YEAH, BUT I CALLED IN ADVANCE.
OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE, I SHALL MAKE IT MAGICALLY SPRING FORTH.
GIVE ME YOUR MANAGER.
PIPE DOWN. MAGICIANS NEED SILENCE.

HEY, RAT, IT'S YOUR OLD BOSS AT THE CAFE. LISTEN, I'M HAVING TROUBLE STAFFING THE PLACE THESE DAYS AND I'M WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME BACK.
I GET FIVE TIMES MY SALARY AND THE RIGHT TO CALL YOU 'FATHEAD.'
ONCE A DAY.
UNLIMITED.
GUESS WHO GOT A JOB.

HEY, GOAT. DID YOU GET MY NEW YEAR'S CARD EARLIER THIS YEAR?
NO. I JUST GOT THIS STRANGE NOTE.
OH, @%#&. WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
THAT WAS MY NEW YEAR'S CARD.
SOME PEOPLE SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY IS SO LAST DECADE.