Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, SOMETHING LIKE 60% OF KIDS HAD TO ENDURE THESE AWFUL TONSILLECTOMIES BECAUSE DOCTORS THOUGHT THEY COULD PREVENT EAR INFECTIONS.
REALLY?
YEP. TURNS OUT IT WAS SOMETHING WE DIDN'T NEED THAT NOBODY LIKED.
YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT FACEBOOK?
ONE INVASIVE PROCEDURE AT A TIME PLEASE.
I CAN'T EVEN REMOVE THAT FROM MY PHONE.

RAT'S
WORD O'
THE DAY:
WORRYBOMB
THE BURST OF WORRY THAT GOES OFF IN YOUR HEAD AT THE EXACT MOMENT YOU TRY TO SLEEP.
KABOOM
NO KNOWN CURE.
CAN A BRAIN BE DEFUSED?

WELL, THE BANK CALLED...
WE GOT THE LOAN!!
YOU GUYS GETTING A HOUSE?
THIS WEEK'S GROCERIES.
OH.
THEY DID PUT A LIEN ON OUR POP-TARTS.

WHY'D YOU WANT TO COME TO THIS HOTEL, PIG?
IT'S NOT JUST A HOTEL. THESE ARE WELLNESS SUITES. EACH SUITE PROVIDES A DIFFERENT TYPE OF THERAPY.
WHO'S THE GUY YOU'RE SEEING?
THE 'CARE' SUITE. THEY FILL THE ROOM WITH REALLY GOOD-PLAYING STEAMING FOOTBALL PLAYERS. YOU USE IT ALL THE TIME.
HELLO, SIR. ARE YOU HERE FOR SUITE WHAT ?
CARE. THE ONE THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS USE.
THERE'S MORE THAN ONE. DO YOU WANT THE ONE FOR Q.B.'S, RUNNING BACKS, O-LINE OR D-LINE ?
SUITE CARE O-LINE. GOOD THING NEVER STEAMED SO GOOD.
I TAKE IT YOU'RE SICK OF PUNS.
I AM... I SAID.

WHAT'S THAT PAINTED ON THE SIDE OF YOUR GARAGE?
MY NEW MOTTO! "IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MATTER IN LIFE."
YOU MADE A BIT OF AN ERROR.
OH, GOAT. NO ONE LIKES GRAMMAR AND SPELLING SNOBS.
SPELLING SNOBS CAN BE USEFUL.
MUCH MORE INTERESTING HIS WAY.
IT'S THE LITTLE THONGS THAT MATTER IN LIFE!

WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE I'M ACTIVE AGGRESSIVE.
MY MISTAKE.
I GET RIGHT IN YOUR FACE WITH THAT @#$#@.

HEY, PIG... THIS IS MY FRIEND, CAPTAIN TONY. HE SALVAGES WRECKS.
I'LL PAY ANY PRICE.
BOAT WRECKS.
SURELY, YOU CAN HELP THE LIVING.

I JUST TOOK A NICE PHOTO OF A TREE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO POST IT.
INSTAGRAM IS TO BRAG. TWITTER IS TO ENRAGE. AND FACEBOOK IS TO SEE HOW NUTTERS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATES NOW ARE.
MAYBE I'LL JUST LEAVE IT ON MY PHONE.
NICE HAS NO FUTURE.

I DID SOME MATHEMATICAL CALCULATIONS AND FIGURED OUT THAT TODAY CANNOT BE WORSE THAN YESTERDAY.
OH, WAIT, FORGOT TO CARRY THE TWO.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE HIDING IN MY ROOM.

THANKS FOR COMING IN FOR THE INTERVIEW. MY FIRST QUESTION IS HOW YOU THINK YOU PERFORM UNDER PRESSURE.
I'M AT MY BEST UNDER PRESSURE.
HOW SO?
I SCREAM THE LOUDEST.
I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

THE ADVENTURES OF HONEST ERNEST
FILM LOVERS CLUB
ALRIGHT, DID EVERYONE WATCH THE CHRISTOPHER NOLAN FILM?
YEAH, I THINK IT SHOWS HE’S ONE OF THE BEST DIRECTORS OF OUR AGE.
NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT IT’S ONE OF THE 10 BEST FILMS EVER MADE.
WITH A MASTERFULLY WRITTEN SCRIPT.
AND BRILLIANT CINEMATOGRAPHY.
PACED PERFECTLY.
WITH AN EXQUISITE INTERLACING OF PLOT AND SUBTEXT.
I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND ONE THING THAT WAS HAPPENING.
ERNEST IS MY HERO.
HE’S THE LAST VOICE OF REASON.

Whuh you doing, son?
VOCAB QUIZ.
Use the following word in a sentence:
doctorate
The fat doctorate too much and hurt his tummy.
THANKS FOR THAT.
Good wordisms is my specialness.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I REALIZED THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO WIN IN LIFE. BUT THAT MEANS SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS TO LOSE, WHICH MAKES PEOPLE SAD.
SO INSTEAD, I'LL DO ALL THE LOSING, SO HERE'S YOUR TROPHY. YOU CAN FILL IN WHATEVER IT IS YOU BEAT ME AT.
THAT CAN'T FEEL GOOD.
SAYS THE GUY NOT DOMINATING LIFE.

SO I GET A GREAT DEAL
ON TOILET PAPER AT THE
GROCERY STORE AND I
TAKE IT HOME.
THAT'S WHEN I NOTICE IT'S
NOT TWO-PLY. IT'S ONE-PLY.
SO NOW I HAVE TO USE
TWICE AS MUCH TOILET PAPER.
WHICH IS NO BARGAIN AT ALL.
AND THAT'S WHY I HATE
MANKIND.
BIG
LEAP
THERE.
WHAT MONSTER
HATH WROUGHT
THIS INJUSTICE
UPON ME?

WHAT'S ALL THAT AROUND YOU?
MY WORRIES. I TAKE THEM EVERYWHERE I GO.
HE MAY NOT BE FUN AT PARTIES.

Me when I go on the internet:
Me when I scroll right past Wikipedia's plea for $2:
AND YET I STILL DON'T DONATE.
WIKIGUILT IS THE WORST.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET THROUGH LIFE UNSCARRED?
YES.
IF YOU TAKE NO RISKS AND LIVE A LIFE THAT'S NO LIFE AT ALL.
I'M CHOOSING SCARS.

SO WHAT'S THE ISSUE WITH THIS ECONOMY?
INFLATION. THERE'S A LABOR SHORTAGE. THAT DRIVES UP THE COST OF LABOR. AND THAT GETS PASSED ON TO US.
GIMME A SECOND.
WILL ALL OF YOU CAFE LOAFERS PLEASE GET JOBS?!
PROBLEM SOLVED.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
REAL ESTATE LISTINGS. I'M LOOKING FOR A SAFE NEIGHBORHOOD TO LIVE IN.
IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, WE DON'T EVEN LOCK THE DOORS.
IT'S THAT SAFE?
THEY STOLE THE DOORS.
I'LL KEEP LOOKING.
OTHERWISE, IT'S PRETTY SAFE.

AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM DR. RAT, NOTED ANTHROPOLOGIST AND RESIDENT GENIUS...
I HAVE RECENTLY COMPLETED AN EXHAUSTIVE STUDY AND HAVE DETERMINED THAT 50% OF ALL PEOPLE ARE MORONS.
SO WHEREVER YOU ARE, LOOK AT THE PERSONS ON YOUR LEFT AND RIGHT. ONE OF THEM IS A MORON.
SO FAR, VERY ACCURATE.
RIGHT BACK ATCHA.

HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN
HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN A GOOD BAR
I WISH HE'D STOP DOING THAT.
HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN A GOOD BAR

Idiots
Against
Being
Called
Idiots
YOU CALL YOURSELVES ‘IDIOTS’ ON THE SIGN.
Idiots
Against
Being
Called
Idiots
IT’S HARD TO BE AN IDIOT.

DO YOU THINK THERE'S A HEAVEN?

I KNOW THERE IS.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
DOGS HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE.
BEST EXPLANATION I'VE HEARD SO FAR.

DEATH BED CONFESSION
A ONE-ACT PLAY by Rat
WELL, GRAMPS... I GUESS THIS IS IT. ANY LAST WORDS ABOUT YOUR LIFE?
I MADE A LOT OF MONEY.
SO?
SO I WIN!
WIN WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
Ack.
AT LEAST HE WON.
IT'S GOOD TO GO OUT A WINNER.

HI...I'M CHARLIE, C.E.O. OF A LARGE COMPANY THAT SELLS YOU EVERY HOUSEHOLD GOOD.
IF YOU'RE LIKE THE REST OF US, YOU'RE PROBABLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE LARGE PRICE INCREASES YOU'RE SEEING ON MUCH OF WHAT YOU BUY.
BUT SADLY, THOSE PRICES BECAME NECESSARY DUE TO COVID-19, SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES AND LABOR SHORTAGES, ALL OF WHICH RESULTED IN HIGHER COSTS FOR US.
BUT WHEN YOU PASSED ON THOSE COSTS TO US, YOU ADDED ON ADDITIONAL INCREASES THAT MADE YOUR PROFITS THE HIGHEST THEY'VE BEEN IN YEARS.
WHY YOU LOUSY RAT PUNK GRH
NIX THE COMIC.
I SPEAK TRUTH.
THIS RAT IS WORSE THAN THE DISEASE
REPLACE IT. REPLACE IT.