Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY?
I NEED EVERY SINGLE THING IN MY LIFE TO BE GOING PERFECTLY.
I NEED ONE SLICE OF PIZZA LEFT IN THE BOX.
PIG MAY HAVE AN EASIER TIME.
TWO SLICES AND I WEEP WITH JOY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
WRITING DOWN MILESTONES I'VE ACHIEVED SO FAR THIS YEAR. I REACHED A BIG ONE LAST MONTH WHEN I FINISHED MY FIRST NOVEL.
THAT'S GREAT. I REACHED A BIG ONE LAST MONTH ALSO.
OH, YEAH? WHAT WAS IT?
I REMEMBERED WHERE I PARKED MY CAR AT THE MALL.
CONGRATS.
I DIDN'T EVEN USE THE PANIC BUTTON.

DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING A DIET OF RED MEAT SHORTENS LIFE SPAN.
KA-THUNK
DING
NEW STUDY REVEALS EATING A DIET OF RED MEAT LENGTHENS LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING ANY KIND OF MEAT CAN SHORTEN LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS DRINKING RED WINE EACH EVENING LENGTHENS LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS DRINKING RED WINE EACH EVENING SHORTENS LIFE SPAN.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING YOGURT CASUES HEADACHES.
DING
NEW STUDY PROVES EATING YOGURT CURBS HEADACHES.
DING
EARPLUGS PROLONG LIFE.
DING
NEW STUDY SHOWS EATING FATTY FOODS LENGTHENS LIFE SPAN.
MY HEAD HURTS.
DING DING DING DING DING
NEW STUDY REVEALS STRESS FROM TRYING TO FOLLOW EVERY NEW STUDY SHORTENS LIFE SPAN.
ACK
AND THAT'S WHAT KILLS US ALL.
WHAT'S IT SAY ABOUT MY FRIED STICK OF BUTTER?

I'M STARTING TO THINK BUDDHISM MAKES A LOT OF SENSE. FOR EXAMPLE, IT TEACHES THAT DESIRE IS THE ROOT OF SUFFERING. SO TO ELIMINATE SUFFERING, YOU FIRST HAVE TO ELIMINATE DESIRE.
THAT DOES MAKE SENSE.
YEAH. AND HERE I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE JUST DESIRING MONEY.
RIGHT. SO WHAT'S THE ANSWER?
SOMEONE WRITING ME A CHECK FOR TEN MILLION DOLLARS.
NO.
OH. NOW YOU'RE SMARTER THAN BUDDHA?

I THINK MY BIGGEST GOAL IN LIFE IS TO HAVE A CAREER THAT IS TRULY FULFILLING AND LEAVES A LASTING GLOBAL IMPACT. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP 22 HOURS A DAY AND EAT PIZZA THE OTHER TWO.
HOW NOBLE.
DREAM BIG OR GO HOME.

RAT THE THERAPIST
AND THAT'S MY WHOLE STORY. SORRY FOR GOING ON SO LONG.
IT'S OKAY. JUST TAKING NOTES.
CAN I ASK WHAT PARTS YOU NOTED?
WELL, I DON'T GENERALLY SHARE MY NOTES WITH PATIENTS, BUT SURE.
1) He can't be helped.
2) I just made $200.
NEVER SHARE YOUR NOTES WITH PATIENTS.

I HEAR RAT GOT A JOB AS A THERAPIST.
YEAH. HE JUST STARTED.
IT’S SORTA HARD TO BELIEVE HE COULD BE ANY GOOD AT IT.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
MIND IF I JUST LAUGH AT YOU FOR A MINUTE?

WELL, PIG, I GOT THE PROMOTION I WANTED.
GEE, GOAT, YOU ALWAYS HAVE SO MUCH LUCK.
LUCK? PIG, LUCK IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PREPARATION MEETS OPPORTUNITY.
THEN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN LAZINESS MEETS STUPIDITY?
NOT SURE THERE'S A TERM.
BECAUSE THAT'S MY SWEET SPOT.

AND NOW FOR THE WEATHER,
WE GO TO OUR METEOROLOGIST.
THANK YOU.
TOMORROW'S FORECAST CALLS
FOR A CHILLY MORNING
FOLLOWED BY WARMER TEMPS
BY NOON AND A THIRTY
PERCENT CHANCE OF RAIN.
AND, PIG, IN YOUR PERSONAL
LIFE, NOTHING WILL GO
RIGHT.
I WISH HE'D STICK TO
THE WEATHER.

Imagine there's no Facebook
It's easy if you try
No trolls berate us
Around us no more lies
Imagine all the crackpots
silenced for daaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyys
Imagine there's no Twitter
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to shill or cry for
And no retweeters too
Imagine all the people
being kind to youooooooooo
You may say
I hate screamers
But I'm not the only one
Who hopes one day
We'll stop this
And the world
will be more fun

HEY, RAT. IS THERE SOMEONE IN OUR BASEMENT?
YEAH, I RENTED IT TO GREG THE GRAMMARIAN. LIKE ALL GRAMMARIANS, HE IS ANTISOCIAL AND PREFERS TO DWELL IN ISOLATED HOVELS.
WELL, ALLRIGHT THEN. I--
STOP THE STRIP.
A.P. STYLEBOOK DICTATES THAT "ALL RIGHT" MUST ALWAYS BE TWO WORDS. YOUR MISTAKE IS EGREGIOUS AND SIGNALS THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.
 
HE'S NOT THAT FUN AT PARTIES.

HEY, RAT, WHY IS THE DOOR TO YOUR BASEMENT LOCKED?
WE RENTED IT TO GREG THE GRAMMARIAN.
BUT YOUR BASEMENT DOESN'T HAVE ANY LIGHT OR HEAT.
THAT'S OKAY. GRAMMARIANS JUST NEED DEEP DARK HOLES FROM WHICH THEY CAN JUDGE ALL OF OUR GRAMMATICAL FAILINGS.
"GRAMMATIC**AL**," MORON.
I JUST DO THAT TO ENRAGE HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING FOR A PLACE I CAN RENT ON AIRBNB.
OH YEAH? WHAT TOWN DID YOU PUT IN THE SEARCH FIELD?
'SOMEWHERE THAT IS NOT THE SAME HOUSE I'VE BEEN IN FOR THE LAST 14 MONTHS.'
NOT SURE THAT WORKS.
TURNS OUT IT'S THE MOST POPULAR SEARCH ON THE SITE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, ALL I DO IS SIT ON MY BUTT WATCHING NETFLIX. WHEN WILL WE FINALLY BE ABLE TO RETURN TO OUR NORMAL LIVES?
WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU WOULD DO WHEN LIFE WAS NORMAL?
SIT ON MY BUTT WATCHING NETFLIX.
TURNS OUT THAT TO MISS YOUR LIFE, YOU FIRST HAVE TO HAVE ONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HANG ON... I'M JUST FINISHING THE LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK "ULYSSES" BY JAMES JOYCE.
WOW, THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE. THAT'S A REALLY RESPECTED, 1,000 PAGE NOVEL. HOW'D YOU LIKE IT?
I REALLY CAN'T SAY.
WHY NOT?
I ONLY READ THE LAST PAGE.
SOME FOLKS READ THE REST OF THE BOOK FIRST.
I CAN FINALLY SAY I FINISHED "ULYSSES."

EVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION, "HOPE FOR THE BEST, PREPARE FOR THE WORST?"
OF COURSE. IT'S GREAT ADVICE.
YEAH. BUT IT'S SORTA ANTIQUATED, SO I WENT AHEAD AND UPDATED IT.
TO WHAT?
"HOPE FOR THE BEST, PREPARE FOR THE WORST, EXPERIENCE A WORSTER WORST THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE."
HOW UPLIFTING.
THEN MULTIPLY THAT MISERY BY FOURTEEN MONTHS AND COUNTING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
SPENT ALL DAY TRYING TO FIND A CHEAP AIRLINE TICKET. NOW I'VE FINALLY GOT ONE.
FINALLY FOUND ONE THAT SAVED ME $25. NOW I'M JUST PRINTING OUT THE ELECTRONIC TICKET.
NO, WAIT, WHY'S IT PRINTING OUT A SECOND PAGE? A CAR RENTAL COUPON! I DON'T WANT A CAR RENTAL COUPON.
IT'S IN COLOR! THE WHOLE COUPON IS IN COLOR! IT'S USING MY PRINTER INK!
A THIRD PAGE--A FULL-PAGE COUPON FOR A SPORTS DRINK...WHAT'S THAT A SOLID BLUE OCEAN ?!
IT'S USING ALL MY CYAN!! IT'S USING ALL MY CYAN!!
THAT INK COST $59 A CARTRIDGE!!
I THINK YOUR SAVINGS HAVE EVAPORATED.
PRINTER INK: THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF PERSONAL BANKRUPTCY.

HEY, PIG, HOW WAS YOUR WEEK-END?
GREAT, NEIGHBOR BOB! RAT AND I HAD A HUGE PARTY AT OUR HOUSE AND I THINK WE INVITED THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!
I DON'T THINK WE INVITED THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

HEY, GOAT, WHY AREN'T YOU AT THE CAFE TODAY?
I'M WORKING IN THE GARDEN. TRYING TO GROW PAMPAS GRASS.
I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU.
PAMPAS. NOT POMPOUS.
WHY WOULD HE WANT THAT?

GOOD NEWS… TODAY'S COMIC STRIP IS GONNA BE BOTH FUNNY AND MEANINGFUL.
WELL, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. I'VE BEEN IN THIS STRIP FOR A LOT OF YEARS AND I'D REALLY LOVE TO BE PROUD OF MY WORK.
I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO SAY 'APRIL FOOLS.'

I AM HEREBY DECLARING TODAY, MARCH 31, "MARCH TRUTHS DAY." IT WILL BE THE COUNTER TO APRIL FOOLS DAY.
HOW'S IT WORK?
UNLIKE APRIL FOOLS, YOU USE THE DAY TO SAY SOMETHING TRUE THAT YOU WOULDN'T SAY ON ANY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR.
LIKE WHAT?
YOUR SIX PACK OF BEER DIDN'T JUST DISAPPEAR LAST FRIDAY. I DRANK IT.
MARCH TRUTHS!
THIS IS FUN.
OH, THIS IS BAD.
AND I ATE ALL YOUR CHEESEBALLS.

THANKS FOR GOING ON A DATE WITH ME, LULU. TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF..YOUR LIKES AND DISLIKES.
WELL, I DISLIKE INTOLERANCE, WAR, CRUELTY, SELFISHNESS, GREED, SEXISM, RACISM, LAZINESS, AND STUPIDITY. WHAT ARE YOUR DISLIKES?
PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA.
WE CALLED IT A NIGHT EARLY.

HEY.
WHATCHA
DOING,
PIG?
TRYING TO WRITE
PUNS. HERE'S ONE.
I TENDED A
CROWDED BAR.
WHERE'S
THE
PUN ?
THE
WORD
'TENDED.'
THERE'S
NO PUN
IN THAT
WORD.
NO
PUN
IN 'TENDED'?
YOU MAKE ME DRINK
TO EXCESS.

WHEN FRED GOT HOME, HIS LIVING ROOM WAS FILLED WITH FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CO-WORKERS.
WHAT THE #@%& IS GOING ON?
IT'S AN INTERVENTION, FRED. YOU'RE AN ADDICT.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP FROM SCHOOL. SAID HIS SON. BUT YOU DIDN'T. AND IT MADE YOU VERY LATE.
FIRST, IT WAS ONCE A DAY, THEN TWICE, NOW THREE TIMES. SAID HIS WIFE.
AND IT MAKES YOUR PERFORMANCE AT WORK UNBEARABLE. SAID A CO-WORKER. WE NEVER KNOW IF WE'RE GETTING GOOD YOU OR BAD YOU.
ARE YOU CURSED? NO, FRED?
CAN WE CHECK YOUR CAR? NO. NO. YOU CAN'T. IT'S MY CAR!
FRED RAN FOR THE DOOR, BUT HIS FRIENDS RESTRAINED HIM, AS THE NEED UNMITT DIVE TO SLIDE TO CHECK HIS CAR.
OUT OF WHICH FELL 37 STARBUCKS CUPS.
JUST SAY NO.
DON'T YOU TOUCH MY PEPPERMINT MOCHA.
I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!

NOW WHEN THAT GUY SNAPS HIS FINGERS, IT MAKES A CRISP, CLEAR SOUND.
BUT WHEN THAT GUY SNAPS HIS FINGERS, HE CAN BARELY MAKE A SOUND.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
MAKING SNAP JUDGMENTS.
THE SHAME OF THIS STRIP HAS OVERWHELMED ME.