Pearls Before Swine | Search

WISE ASS ONE MILE
OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL, LIFE IS JUST TOO OVERWHELMING RIGHT NOW. GIVE ME ANSWERS TO ALL OF ITS MANY QUESTIONS.
YES. NO. YES. YES. NO. YES. NO. NO. YES. YES. NO. YES. NO. YES. NO. MAYBE. YES. YES. NO. YES.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC.

I ALWAYS HAVE TROUBLE ENJOYING THE MOMENT I'M IN.
THAT'S TOO BAD, BECAUSE THE PRESENT IS A GIFT. WHICH IS WHY WE CALL IT THE PRESENT.
IS THAT TRUE?
I LIKE TO THINK SO.
SO MINE IS THE UGLY SWEATER YOU CAN'T RETURN?
YOU'RE RUINING THIS.
MY LIFE FINALLY MAKES SENSE.

EVERYTHING'S HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE!
YOU SHOULD BE VERY, VERY CONCERNED!
CONCERNED? YOU SHOULD BE PETRIFIED!
AAAAHHHH!
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA TURN OFF YOUR PHONE.

WHAT'S THAT AROUND YOUR NECK?
A LIFE ALERT THING.
ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU JUST PUSH TO CALL EMERGENCY SERVICES?
NO.
WHAT'S IT AN ALERT FOR THEN?
*CLICK*
YOU ONLY LIVE ONE LIFE! GET OFF YOUR STUPID PHONE AND LIVE IT!!

I'M STRESSED ALL THE TIME.
YOU SHOULD PRACTICE MINDFULNESS. IT REALLY HELPS WITH STRESS.
I DO.
YOU DO?
I'M MINDFUL THAT I'M STRESSED ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S NOT MINDFULNESS.
NOW I'M MINDFUL THAT YOU'RE BORING.

DIDJA SEE NEIGHBOR BOB GOT ONE OF THOSE ELECTRIC BIKES YOU JUST SIT ON AND RIDE?
THAT'S GREAT. SO YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BREAK A SWEAT.
OH, YOU FAT, LITTLE SLOBS.
I GUESS NOT EVERYONE AGREES.
WHAT NEXT, STATIONARY BIKES THAT PEDAL THEMSELVES?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TRYING OUT THIS NEW CONTENT FILTER.
IT KNOCKS OUT EVERY POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA THAT TRIES TO NAG, LECTURE, SHAME OR SCOLD.
CLICK
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT.
AND YET WE GO ON.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS TO AGE?
AGING IS THE PROCESS BY WHICH WE WHITTLE DOWN THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WE WANT TO HANG AROUND WITH UNTIL ONE DAY YOU FIND IT'S JUST YOU AND YOUR DOG.
THE GOLDEN YEARS.
THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER YEARS.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PESSIMIST AND AN OPTIMIST?
A PESSIMIST IS SOMEONE WHO KNOWS FROM EXPERIENCE THAT IF A BAD THING CAN HAPPEN, IT PROBABLY WILL.
THEN WHAT'S AN OPTIMIST?
A FUTURE PESSIMIST.
I'M OPTIMISTIC YOU'RE WRONG.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

HEY, PIG, WANT
TO GO FOR AN
EARLY MORNING
WALK WITH ME?
SORRY.
CAN'T.
WHY
NOT?
VIOLATES ONE
OF MY CARDINAL
PRINCIPLES.
WHAT'S
THAT?
NEVER USE
EFFORT WHEN
SLOTH WILL
DO.
HOW
HEALTHY.
I'VE
STAYED
PRETTY
DISCIPLINED.

HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE NEW "YELLOWSTONE" TV SHOW? IT'S GOOD.
CAN YOU HANG ON A SECOND?
HEARD OF IT.
KNOW THE NETWORK.
HAVE SUBSCRIPTION.
DON'T KNOW THE NETWORK.
DON'T KNOW THE NETWORK.
DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE SUBSCRIPTION.
LEARN THE NETWORK.
DON'T HAVE SUBSCRIPTION.
LEARN THE NETWORK.
HAVE FRIEND'S PASSWORD.
LEARN THE NETWORK.
HAVE SUBSCRIPTION.
LEARN THE NETWORK.
LEARN HOW TO GET SUBSCRIPTION.
LEARNED HOW TO GET IT.
DON'T HAVE SUBSCRIPTION,
LEARN HOW TO GET IT.
AFFORDABLE?
NOT AFFORDABLE.
QUIT.
STOP.
ASK SOMEONE.
THEY'RE TIRED OF YOUR QUESTIONS.
UNAVAILABLE IN YOUR AREA.
I'M GONNA NEED MORE TIME.
MAYBE I'LL JUST READ.
ENJOY SHOW!

DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT MOST MEDIA OUTLETS WE FOLLOW ON OUR PHONE OR WHEREVER ARE JUST TOO NEGATIVE?
AND THAT WE TAKE OUR CUE FROM THEM AND MISS OUT ON ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN THE WORLD?
GOOD THINGS? THERE ARE GOOD THINGS IN THE WORLD?
I THINK IT'S POSSIBLE.
I THINK IT'S POSSIBLE.

PRESENT-DAY GRAVES...
BOB JONES.
BELOVED FATHER
NOTED ENGINEER
GENEROUS
PHILANTHROPIST
FUTURE GRAVES...
BOB
JONES JR.
HAD 1643*
INSTAGRAM
FOLLOWERS
*WOULD'VE BEEN
MORE, BUT GOT
SCREWED BY
INSTAGRAM'S
ALGORITHMS
YOU CAN SEE
IT COMING.
WHOA. HOW'D
HE GET
THAT MANY
FOLLOWERS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I CREATED A HOTLINE FOR DEPRESSION.
THAT'S GREAT. SO THEY CALL AND YOU MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER?
I MAKE THEM FEEL DEPRESSED.
IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME.

HI, GIMME A GRANDE, HALF-CAF, CARAMEL MACCHIATO, NON-FAT, SOY, AT 110 DEGREES. NO WHIP.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CONTEMPLATING THE FACT THAT SOMEWHERE IN THAT ORDER IS EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY.
GIMME MY ORDER.
FIRST LET'S MOURN OUR DECLINE.

I FINALLY REALIZED I CAN’T BE HURT BY SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE SAYS UNLESS I LET IT HURT ME.
THAT’S BRILLIANT. AND SO HOW DO YOU HANDLE STUFF LIKE THAT NOW?
I LET IT HURT ME.
BRILLIANT THOUGHTS ARE RARELY HELPFUL.

Very few things are as bad as you think they are.
Very few things are as bad as you think they are.
BUT BOY DO THOSE THINGS KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT
Very few things are as bad as you think they are.
BUT BOY DO THOSE THINGS KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT
I WISH HE’D GET HIS OWN BOOTH.

UH, THIS LATTE IS NOT AT THE SPECIFIC TEMPERATURE I ASKED FOR.
SO I’LL BE REVIEWING YOU ONLINE.
THEN I’LL REVIEW YOU ONLINE.
‘JOE’S ROASTERY… HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE.’
‘BOB JOHNSON… ALWAYS COMPLAINING!’
‘SERVER RUDE.’
‘DRESSES FUNNY.’
‘LOUSY LATTE.’
‘ANNOYING FACE.’
‘DO NOT COME HERE.’
‘HIT BOB WITH STICK.’
‘ZERO STARS.’
‘PLEASE DESTROY HIM BOTH PERSONALLY AND PROFESSIONALLY.’
‘HOW DID WE EVER FUNCTION BEFORE THE INTERNET?’

PTUI
MY SPITTING IMAGE.
SOMEONE SHOULD SPIT ON YOUR IMAGE.

WHAT'S ALL THIS,
RAT?
I TRANSLATE THE REAL MEANING OF COMMON, EVERYDAY PHRASES.
FOR EXAMPLE, PEOPLE OFTEN SAY, "LET'S CATCH UP SOON." BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS?
WHAT?
"I HAVE NO INTENTION OF CONTACTING YOU."
I ACTUALLY MEAN IT WHEN I SAY IT.
REALLY?
WELL, LET'S CATCH UP SOON.

OH GREATWISE ASS, YOUR SIGN BELOW SAYS YOU’RE NOW CHARGING FOR ADVICE.

DON’T WORRY, PIG. I’LL STILL GIVE YOU ADVICE FOR FREE.
OH, GOOD, BECAUSE I REALLY NEED TO KNOW… WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE?
TO GET AS MANY LIKES ON SOCIAL MEDIA AS POSSIBLE.
I’LL START PAYING.
GOOD CHOICE.

YOU COMING TO MY "PARTY FOR THE ANTISOCIAL"?
WHAT'S THAT?
EACH PERSON GOES TO THEIR OWN ROOM AND COMPLAINS ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY HATE PARTIES.
SOUNDS THRILLING.
OH, AND BRING A BOOK TO READ.

OH. HAVE I GOT ANOTHER LONG STORY FOR YOU.
PIG, GOD GAVE YOU TWO EARS AND ONE MOUTH. DO YOU KNOW WHY HE GAVE YOU ONE MOUTH?
TO HAVE SOMEWHERE TO SHOVE THE CHEESE.
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
TWO WOULD BE SUCH AN IMPROVEMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HAVE YOU HEARD OF GENDER REVEAL PARTIES?
YEAH.
WELL, THIS IS AN ENDER REVEAL PARTY, WHERE WE FIND OUT WHICH OF THE MANY LOOMING DISASTERS IS GONNA WIPE US OUT.
LOCUSTS!
NOT WHAT I WOULD HAVE GUESSED.
I WAS ROOTING FOR METEOR.

BEEP
BOOP
BEEP
POLICE DEPART-MENT.
YEAH. I JUST GOT MY CAR STOLEN.
OKAY.
WHADDYA MEAN, "OKAY"?
OKAY, I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF IT.
DON'T YOU WANT THE PLATE NUMBER?
NOPE.
WHY NOT?
WE DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT STOLEN CARS ANYMORE.
BUT IT'S A $30,000 CAR.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A $100,00 CAR.
TOO MANY OTHER CRIMES TO TRACK. THE WHOLE CITY'S GOING TO HELL.
SO WHAT DO I DO?
FLEE.
HOWS?
JUST GET IN YOUR CAR AND GO. BEFORE THEY TAKE THAT TOO.
BUT
MINE IS GONE.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT STEALING ONE?
THE END TIMES ARE UPON US.