Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'VE CONCLUDED THERE'S TOO MUCH DIVISION IN THIS COUNTRY, SO I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH A LIST OF VALUES AND BELIEFS WE CAN ALL AGREE ON.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
Hatred of people who whistle.
IT'S THE ONE UNIFYING PRINCIPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TEXTING PHOTOS OF MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT, TRICKY DICK NIXON, TO PEOPLE.
DO YOU THINK OTHER PEOPLE REALLY WANT YOUR PICS?
OH, HECK, NO.
THIS ART FORM IS SO DARN RESTRICTIVE.
WHAT IS HE, ANTI-NIXON?

HEY, STEPHAN, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET BOB. HE'S YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN.
OH. YEAH? AND WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
HE'S THE ONLY ONE.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST WALK INTO.
NOT SUCCESS. THAT SEEMS FAR AWAY.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CALCULATE YOUR NET WORTH?
NO. BUT I THINK I COULD.
WHAT IS IT?
I'M A GOOD FRIEND WHO'S ALWAYS WILLING TO HELP YOU.
IT'S USUALLY STATED IN TERMS OF MONEY.
I'D GIVE YOU THAT, TOO.

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
THIS BOOK ON ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHEN PEOPLE CLAIM TO BE SMART, BUT THEY'RE NOT.
I KNOW SOME OF THEM.
NEVER MIND.
THEY CAN REALLY RUIN YOUR DAY.

HI, GUYS.
HEY, NEIGHBOR AL. WHERE'S YOUR MOM?
HE'S WITH MY DAD IN MIAMI SEEING 'LA BOHEME'.
WHY DIDN'T YOU GO WITH THEM?
I HAD TO GO SHOPPING FOR AN X-RAY. HANG ON. LET ME ORDER A BEER.
I'LL NEED TO SEE I.D.
OR ELSE WHAT?
I CAN'T LET YOU DRINK BEER IN HERE.
OH, YEAH? WELL, WATCH YOUR TONE, PAL. I'M AN I.D.
LISTEN, I'M THE CHEF'S CO-WORKER. YOU COULD REALLY DE-ESCALATE ALL THIS JUST BY GIVING HIM I.D.ENTIFICATION.
OK, FINE.
I GUESS I'M JUST TENSE. HAD TO GET A CT SCAN TODAY AT THE V.A. CLINIC.
YOU'RE HIDING STATE ABBREVIATIONS.
FIND ALL TWENTY, BABY!
GA! HARD. HARD.

YOU NEED MORE SELF-CONFIDENCE, PIG.
HOW DO I GET IT?
WELL, ONE TECHNIQUE IS TO STAND IN FRONT OF A MIRROR AND SAY THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF THAT ARE UPLIFTING.
YOUR SAGGY BUTT NEEDS UPLIFTING.
NO HELP.

I'M TIRED OF THE UNPREDICTABILITY OF LIFE. I NEED CERTAINTY.
I CAN GIVE YOU CERTAINTY.
YOU CAN?
SURE.
THERE IS A HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAINTY THAT YOUR LIFE WILL HAVE NO CERTAINTY.
NOT SURE THAT HELPS.
DON'T BE SO CERTAIN.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I OPENED MY OWN SHOE STORE. WANT TO BE A SHOESER WITH ME?
WHAT'S THAT?
WE'RE THE GUYS WHO SELL THE SHOES. THEN THE BAGGERS BAG THEM.
I CAN DO BOTH IF YOU WANT.
NO. BAGGERS CAN'T BE SHOESERS.
COMICS SHOULDN'T MAKE PEOPLE SAD.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, PIG?
A GEOLOGY BOOK. DID YOU KNOW THE CENTER OF THE WORLD IS MOSTLY IRON AND NICKEL?
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THE CENTER OF THE WORLD IS ME AND MY FEELINGS.
IT DOESN'T SAY THAT.
I KNOW MORE ABOUT SCIENCE THAN SCIENTISTS.

I JUST TOOK AN I.Q. TEST SO I CAN APPLY TO MENSES.
THE NAME IS MENSA.
DOES THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
YES.
PERHAPS HE SHOULDN'T JOIN MENSA.

EMBRACE CHANGE.
NICE.
BECAUSE LIFE GIVES YOU NO CHOICE.
LESS NICE.
FROM MY NEW BOOK, "LIFE IS INCONSIDERATE."

SURE YOU FEEL FINE NOW, BRAIN. BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW?!
YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB!
YOUR MARRIAGE IS A DISASTER!
LEMME GO! LEMME GO!
LOOKS LIKE IT'S DAWN.
WE CAN LET HIM GO.
'TIL TOMORROW NIGHT, BRAIN.
THE SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR WHAT HAPPENS TO BRAINS AT NIGHT.
NO ONE KIDNAPS YOUR BRAIN.
WHOA. MAYBE MINE IS STILL GONE.

THE WOMAN NEXT TO ME IS SO PRETTY.
TRY SOME PICKUP LINE.
PICKUPS HAVE FOUR WHEELS AND A BIG, LONG PART WHERE GARDENERS PUT THEIR LAWN MOWERS.
I THINK I JUST CONFUSED HER.

DO YOU EVER REGRET THINGS THAT YOU'VE DONE?
DOES RELIVING THEM AND SMILING COUNT?
NO.
THIS REGRET THING SOUNDS LIKE A REAL BUMMER.

Dear life,
Please give me credit for trying.
Just an acknowledgment that you know I'm doing my best and that it counts for something.
LIFE HAS A KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR.

HELLO?
HI, THIS IS ACME HEALTH CALLING TO LET YOU KNOW WE'RE LOWERING YOUR PREMIUMS.
OH, MY GOODNESS! POSITIVE NEWS ABOUT MY HEALTH INSURANCE? THIS NEVER HAPPENS! THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YOU BET.
ALSO, WE'RE RAISING YOUR DEDUCTIBLE TO FIFTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS.
THAT SEEMS LESS HELPFUL.
DON'T BE GREEDY, PAL.

SOME DAYS I FIND MYSELF JUST SITTING AROUND ON MY PHONE JUDGING OTHERS. AND I THINK, "HOW IS THIS FURTHERING MY LIFE'S GOALS?"
NOT ME. I'VE ALREADY ACHIEVED MY LIFE'S GOAL.
WHAT IS IT?
SITTING AROUND ON MY PHONE JUDGING OTHERS.
YOU'VE SET THE BAR HIGH.
JUST TAKES A PHONE AND SOME ANGER.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME CRASH IN YOUR LIVING ROOM WHILE MY HOUSE IS BEING PAINTED, PIG.
NO PROBLEM! SO THIS IS THE REMOTE FOR THE TV IN CASE YOU WANT TO WATCH.
AND THIS ONE IS FOR THE CABLE BOX, AND THIS IS FOR THE DVD. AND THIS IS FOR THE AMAZON FIRE STICK, AND THIS ONE'S FOR APPLE TV.
AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU THROW AGAINST THE WALL WHEN ALL THIS INFURIATES YOU.
I'LL JUST NEED THAT LAST ONE.
TRY NOT TO BREAK A WINDOW.

WANT TO DO A DEW WITH ME?
I CAN'T. MOUNTAIN DEW MAKES MY STOMACH HURT.
REALLY?
YEAH, REALLY GETS MY SYSTEM ALL DAMMED UP. BESIDES, MY STOMACH HURTS ALREADY.
HOW COME?
I THINK I GET TOO MUCH JOY FROM DAUNTING OTHERS. YOU KNOW, INTIMIDATING THEM.
THAT SOUNDS BAD.
YEAH. AND I THINK THAT BECAUSE OF IT, I MIGHT GO TO HELL ONE DAY.
SO YOU'RE DAMMED IF YOU DEW, DAMNED IF YOU DAUNT.
YOU'RE THE ONE GOING TO HELL.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I ASKED OUR NEIGHBOR TERRY OUT ON A DATE, BUT SHE SAID NO.
MAYBE I CAN TALK TO HER.
WHAT WILL YOU SAY?
LOWER YOUR STANDARDS IMMENSELY.
DIDN'T WORK.

BOO HOO HOOO
OH NO, PIG... HOW COME YOU’RE CRYING?
JUST THE BEAUTY OF LIFE.
HE’S NOT BUILT LIKE THE REST OF US.
I CRY ONLY WITH RAGE.

WELL, I'M OFF TO CANOODLE.
YOU? WITH WHOM?
JUST MYSELF.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD MEANS?
JUST SKIP AND SING AND BE HAPPY!
PERHAPS WE SHOULD CORRECT HIM.
NO. MORE FUN THIS WAY.

CAUTION
WATCH FOR CHILDREN
SOME SIGNS ARE MUCH TOO AMBIGUOUS.
HEY, THEY WARNED YOU.

HEY, PAL, WHAT'S WITH THE MASK? WE NO LONGER HAVE TO WEAR THEM.
I'M ROBBING THE PLACE.
THIS ERA IS SO CONFUSING.