Pearls Before Swine | Search

BEEP
BOOP
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POLICE DEPART-MENT.
YEAH. I JUST GOT MY CAR STOLEN.
OKAY.
WHADDYA MEAN, "OKAY"?
OKAY, I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF IT.
DON'T YOU WANT THE PLATE NUMBER?
NOPE.
WHY NOT?
WE DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT STOLEN CARS ANYMORE.
BUT IT'S A $30,000 CAR.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A $100,00 CAR.
TOO MANY OTHER CRIMES TO TRACK. THE WHOLE CITY'S GOING TO HELL.
SO WHAT DO I DO?
FLEE.
HOWS?
JUST GET IN YOUR CAR AND GO. BEFORE THEY TAKE THAT TOO.
BUT
MINE IS GONE.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT STEALING ONE?
THE END TIMES ARE UPON US.

I DESERVE BETTER IN LIFE.
WELL, GO OUT AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.
BETTER MEANS NOT HAVING TO DO IT MYSELF.
YOU MAY BE WAITING AWHILE.
I DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, GIVE ME WISDOM.
VALUE TIME ABOVE ALL, FOR WHAT YOU CHERISH WILL NOT ALWAYS REMAIN.
IS THIS A REFERENCE TO THE SOCK I LOST YESTERDAY?
HE ASKED ME TO NEVER RETURN.

The moment of waking after a full night's sleep.
The moment you realize it's only 1:30 A.M.
1:30 AM
AND THEN YOU GO ON YOUR PHONE EVEN THOUGH YOU SHOULDN'T.
BUT ONLY UNTIL I HATE MYSELF OR THE SUN RISES.

I HATE THAT MORON.

HATE IS A TERRIBLE THING TO HOLD IN YOUR HEART, RAT. SO YOU REALLY SHOULD NEVER SAY, "I HATE SOMEONE."

I LOATHE THAT MORON.

THANKS FOR THE GUIDANCE.

THE SPIRAL
HEY, FRED, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE YESTERDAY, SO I COULDN'T SLEEP. NOW I'M EXHAUSTED AND HAVE TONS OF WORK TO DO.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED MORE COFFEE.
AND THAT'S WHY STARBUCKS OWNS OUR SOUL.
AWW... IT'S ONLY A SOUL.

WELL, WHAT'S IT SAY?
OOOH... YOU WILL BE VERY, VERY HAPPY... THE HAPPIEST I'VE EVER SEEN.
IS THAT WHAT YOU TELL EVERYONE?
YES.
ACCURACY IS OVERRATED.

TODAY I, RAT, ANNOUNCE MY CANDIDACY FOR THE UNITED STATES SENATE.
I AM RUNNING FOR THE SAME REASONS MOST SENATORS DO... TO BE RICH AND POWERFUL. BUT MOSTLY TO BE RICH.
FOR ON A SALARY OF $174,000, MANY SENATORS SOMEHOW LEAVE OFFICE WITH TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? LEGACY!!! << HE HE HE >> SOME PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE GIGGLED IN THAT PART.
FINALLY, I PROMISE YOU THIS--IF I CAN EVER DO SOMETHING IN OFFICE THAT BENEFITS ME GREATLY WHILE SOMEHOW HURTING YOU IN SOME SMALL, INCONSEQUENTIAL WAY, I WILL DO IT.
WHY? BECAUSE I CAN'T BE ELECTED WITHOUT YOU IDIOTS! AND WHY I'M CALLING MY CAMPAIGN THE "ON-THE-HEADS-OF-THE-PEASANTS' EXPRESS."
AT LEAST HE'S HONEST.
OKAY, THIS PEASANT IS WIGGLING TOO MUCH. CAN I GET A NEW PEASANT?

DO YOU HAVE A MORAL CODE YOU LIKE TO LIVE BY?
I DO.
WHAT IS IT?
CRUSH ALL WHO GET IN MY WAY.
NOT SURE THAT'S A MORAL CODE.
IT'S THE CLOSEST I GET.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M WAITING TO BE DISCOVERED FOR THE BRILLIANT GENIUS I AM.
HOW WILL THAT HAPPEN?
SOMEONE WILL JUST WALK BY AND SAY "HEY, YOU, YOU'RE A GENIUS AND DESERVE BETTER IN LIFE."
NOT SURE IT WORKS THAT WAY.
NOT WITH YOU BLOCKING HIS VIEW.

DAILY VITAMIN SUPPLEMENT
One-a-day vitamin that meets all your vitamin and mineral needs.
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG
VITAMINS SHOULDN’T COME IN GUMMY BEAR SHAPES.
WE’LL NEED TO PUMP YOUR STOMACH.

AVERAGE LENGTH OF A NETFLIX MOVIE...
1 HOUR, 37 MINUTES
AVERAGE LENGTH OF TIME IT TAKES TO PICK THAT MOVIE...
3 HOURS, 42 MINUTES
HOW 'BOUT THIS ONE?
SEEN IT.
GO BACK TO THE FIRST ONE.
IT'S THE CRISIS OF OUR AGE.
SO THAT'S WHERE MY LIFE'S PRECIOUS MINUTES ARE GOING.

HOW DOES A CAPITALIST SYSTEM WORK?
WELL, IN THEORY IF YOU WORK HARDER THAN THE OTHER GUY, YOU GET AHEAD.
AND WHAT'S THE OTHER GUY DOING?
WORKING HARD TO GET AHEAD OF YOU.
WHAT IF WE BOTH JUST AGREE TO NAP?
I SUPPOSE THAT'S AN OPTION.
DOES SOMEONE STILL HAND US MONEY?

WHAT A HAPPY, HAPPY MONDAY THIS IS!
YOU WERE JUST TELLING ME HOW DEPRESSED YOU'VE BEEN LATELY. ARE YOU REALLY HAPPY?
HECK NO.
FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT.
HOW DO I LOOK?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, RAT?
GOOD MORNING, NEIGHBOR BOB. I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT I HAVE A BUSINESS IDEA I CAN INTEREST YOU IN A NEW YOU.
A NEW ME?
A NEW YOU. 'NEIGHBOR BOB 2.0'. ALL THE FEATURES ARE LISTED ON OUR WEBSITE.
BASICALLY, IT ELIMINATES A LOT OF THE STUPID PARTS, LIKE YOUR TENDENCY TO POST DUMB POLITICAL SIGNS IN YOUR YARD ASKING US ALL TO VOTE FOR SOME MORON.
NOT TO MENTION HOW YOU'RE A BAD NEIGHBOR OVERALL... LITTLE THINGS... CLUELESS. RASH. THICKHEADED. YOU GET THE GIST.
OH, AND ABOUT THAT BOB, VERSION 2.0 ELIMINATES A LOT OF THAT MISPLACED ANGER YOU DIRECT TOWARD POLITICS... WHICH IS REALLY ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL UNHAPPINESS.
THE DUMB ONES ALWAYS REFUSE THE UPGRADE.

HEY,
RAT.
WHAT'S
ALL
THIS?
I'M LIVING LIFE IN THE MOMENT.
SOME THINGS ARE SO OVERRATED.

OH, GREAT MOUSE ASS. ARIZONA IS ABBREVIATED TO 'AZ' BECAUSE 'AR' WAS ALREADY TAKEN BY ARKANSAS. AND ALASKA IS 'AK' BECAUSE 'AL' WAS ALREADY TAKEN BY ALABAMA. SO WHY...
...IS HAWAII 'HI' WHEN 'HA' WAS PERFECTLY AVAILABLE?
YES!
BECAUSE HAWAII IS MESSING WITH US.
YOU'D THINK A STATE THAT NICE WOULD BE KINDER.

Beep
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Boop
Boop
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Thank you for calling Bombast cable. Your approximate wait time is....
...So long you’ll want to punch us in the face.
AT LEAST THAT’S AN ACCURATE ESTIMATE.

YOU ARE A GENIUS, RAT! YOU ARE A GENIUS!
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
I NOW HAVE ALL MY OPINIONS PLAYED BACK TO ME ON A SELF-AFFIRMING LOOP. THAT WAY I ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW BRILLIANT I AM.
I THINK THAT'S CALLED CABLE NEWS NOW.
HEY, ONLY I SAY WITTY THINGS.

YES! WHAT A HIT!! HE CRUSHED THAT STUPID QUARTERBACK!!
I WONDER HOW THAT MAKES THE QUARTERBACK FEEL. BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.
YOU MAY BE SLIGHTLY TOO EMPATHETIC TO WATCH FOOTBALL.
CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

WHAT ARE THE WILDEST DREAMS YOU HAVE?
THAT I GET UP IN THE MORNING, HAVE A WARM CUP OF COFFEE AND A NICE COZY BED.
BUT THAT HAPPENS TO YOU EVERY DAY.
YES. I LIVE A DREAM LIFE.
HE MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING.

NOTEMAN STANDS HIGH ATOP HIS MOUNTAIN RETREAT WAITING FOR JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT TO BE THOUGHTFUL.
SUDDENLY, HE HEARS A CRY.
THWACK
She'll always be right there in your heart.
NOTEMAN DOES WHAT HE CAN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
IT'S AN EXERCISE IN POSITIVE THOUGHT. YOU WRITE DOWN THREE THINGS YOU'D GET RID OF IN THE WORLD IF YOU COULD. YOU SHOULD DO IT.
1) Murder.
2) Disease.
3) Communal tables in cafes.
I FEEL LIKE YOU WASTED ONE.
YEAH, I WAS IFFY ON DISEASE.

WHY DON'T PEOPLE LIKE HANGING OUT WITH ME?
MAYBE BECAUSE INSTEAD OF ACCEPTING THEM AS THEY ARE, YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO CHANGE THEM.
THERE ARE TIMES I DON'T DO THAT.
WHEN?
WHEN THEY DON'T NEED TO BE CHANGED.
I THINK YOU'VE ILLUSTRATED SOMETHING.
YES. CHANGE AND YOU'RE FINE.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE T.V. REMOTE? I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE.
NOPE.
OH, NEW... SEE YA.
WHERE YOU GOING?
BACK TO BED FOR THE MONTH. I NEED TIME TO PROCESS THIS EMOTIONALLY.
MENTAL HEALTH IS SO IMPORTANT.