Pearls Before Swine | Search
HI. TABLE FOR TWO PLEASE.
SURE. LEMME JUST POINT THIS AT YOUR FOREHEAD.
A TEMPERATURE THERMOMETER? LISTEN, PAL. WE'RE SICK OF ALL THIS VIRUS STUFF.
OH, NO. THIS TESTS FOR WHETHER YOU'RE A PAIN-IN-THE-@%# CUSTOMER, AND OH LOOK, YOU'VE FAILED.
THIS COULD BE REALLY LIMITING.
Things we're glad we didn't know when the world shut down in early 2020:
That we'd still be in this same situation two years later.
AHHHHHH
SAME SPOT. DIFFERENT YEAR.
AH, IGNORANCE.
YEAH, I'M HERE FOR MY MEDIUM, DECAF, SUGAR-FREE,
VANILLA LATTE WITH SOY MILK. I CALLED IT IN.
SORRY, WE'RE BUSY.
I STILL HAVE TO MAKE IT.
YEAH, BUT I CALLED IN ADVANCE.
OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE, I SHALL MAKE IT MAGICALLY SPRING FORTH.
GIVE ME YOUR MANAGER.
PIPE DOWN. MAGICIANS NEED SILENCE.
HEY, RAT, IT'S YOUR OLD BOSS AT THE CAFE. LISTEN, I'M HAVING TROUBLE STAFFING THE PLACE THESE DAYS AND I'M WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME BACK.
I GET FIVE TIMES MY SALARY AND THE RIGHT TO CALL YOU 'FATHEAD.'
ONCE A DAY.
UNLIMITED.
GUESS WHO GOT A JOB.
HEY, GOAT. DID YOU GET MY NEW YEAR'S CARD EARLIER THIS YEAR?
NO. I JUST GOT THIS STRANGE NOTE.
OH, @%#&. WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
THAT WAS MY NEW YEAR'S CARD.
SOME PEOPLE SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY IS SO LAST DECADE.
OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, PEOPLE ON THE RIGHT HATE THE LEFT. PEOPLE ON THE LEFT HATE THE RIGHT. AND THE MEDIA MAKES EVERYONE HATE EVERYONE ELSE.
WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE EVERYONE ELSE?
IN 1990, THERE WERE 66 BILLIONAIRES IN THE U.S.... TODAY THERE ARE 696. TOGETHER THOSE 696 PEOPLE HAVE MORE MONEY THAN THE BOTTOM 165,000,000 AMERICANS COMBINED.
AND THE THING THOSE 696 PEOPLE FEAR THE MOST IS THAT THE OTHER 165,000,000 PEOPLE ON THE RIGHT AND LEFT ARE GONNA SEE THEY HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN THEY REALIZE... SO THE RICH DIVIDE THEM.
WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE KNOW THAT?
BECAUSE THE RICH OWN THE MEDIA. AND IF YOU SAY ANYTHING, THEY'LL CRUSH YOU AND REPLACE YOU.
AND WE RIPPED UP THE DAMN COMIC AGAIN
AND HE'S GONE COMMUNIST
TELL SHELLEY I SAID HI
I'M GOING TO SEND THIS STRAIGHT TO HER
I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING OUT WITH THIS GIRL, BUT I THINK SHE'S A LITTLE BIT CRAZY.
WE ARE ALL A LITTLE BIT CRAZY!
WAS THE MEGAPHONE REALLY NECESSARY?
EXCEPT ME. I'M PRETTY NORMAL.
WHAT'S ALL THIS, RAT?
GOT A JOB REPRESENTING A DONUT MAKERS' UNION. WE'RE ON STRIKE FOR HIGHER PAY.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE OUR MEMBERS MAKE THE BEST DONUTS IN TOWN AND DESERVE TO BE PAID FOR IT.
I THINK THERE'S A HOLE IN YOUR ARGUMENT.
ONE SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO MAKE A LIVING FROM THIS.
I DO NOT AGREE.
COMMUNITY
POSITIVITY
BOARD
GRAB SOME
CHALK AND
FILL IT IN!
YES, I
CAN...
PROBABLY NOT WHAT THEY HAD
IN MIND.
YES, I
CAN...
FAIL!
HELP ME... I NEVER LOOK AS GOOD AS EVERYONE ELSE
HELP ME... I NEVER LOOK AS GOOD AS EVERYONE ELSE
HELP ME... I NEVER LOOK AS GOOD AS EVERYONE ELSE
OH, PIG... IT'S WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE THAT COUNTS.
... FOR THINGS I'VE LOST, WHICH IS WHY I CAN'T FIND MY CAR KEYS.
SOMEHOW YOU DIDN'T HELP.
Advice Of The Day:
Always be yourself.
Unless yourself is a jerkface.
Then always be someone else.
SOME ADVICE NEEDS TO BE TAILORED.
PIG, IT'S MONDAY MORNING. AREN'T YOU GONNA GET OUT OF BED AND GO TO WORK?
NO CHANCE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IN LIFE, THERE'S A 1 IN 112000 CHANCE OF BEING KILLED BY A VENDING MACHINE.
HIS EXCUSES ARE GETTING FLIMSIER.
I'M WAY TOO TIRED TO RUN THREE MILES TODAY. I'LL JUST DO ONE.
THAT WASN'T THAT BAD. WHAT IF I GO A LITTLE OVER ONE?
OKAY, ONE AND A HALF IS WITHIN REACH. I'LL JUST DO THAT AND STOP.
WELL, IF I CAN DO THAT, I CAN DO TWO AND CALL IT A DAY.
OKAY, TWO AND A HALF AND THAT'S IT.
TWO AND THREE QUARTERS AND THAT'S REALLY IT.
AW HECK. I'LL JUST DO THREE.
I LIE MORE TO MYSELF WHEN EXERCISING THAN I DO TO THE I.R.S.
I JUST LIE AND SAY I'M IN SHAPE.
WAKE UP, YOU LAZY TURD!!
I HAVE A RAISIN FOR GETTING UP IN THE MORNING.
I JUST POSTED A SERIES OF DEVASTATING TWEETS THAT'S GOT EVERYONE ON TWITTER ALL RILED UP.
AND WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN AS A RESULT ?
WHADDAYA MEAN ? EVERYONE'S ALL RILED UP.
BUT TO WHAT END ?
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME QUESTION MY WHOLE EXISTENCE.
WHAT'S THE
MATTER
WITH YOU
TODAY?
I'M
ANGRY.
ANGRY
OVER
WHAT?
THE FACT THAT THERE IS AN
L IN "COULD". DO YOU PRO-
NOUNCE THE "L"? I DON'T
PRONOUNCE THE "L". NO ONE
PRONOUNCES THE "L".
SHOULD
I HAVE
ARGUED?
I
WOULD
NOT.
HEY, PIG. I'M SORT OF AFRAID TO ASK BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT HER IN A WHILE, BUT IS EVERYTHING OKAY WITH YOUR GRANDMA?
OH, THANK YOU, GOAT. BUT YEAH, SHE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW.
OH MY GOODNESS. I'M SORRY, PIG. I'M SO, SO SORRY.
ODD REACTION TO GRANDMA BUYING A CONDO.
I'M NOT HAPPY WITH MY LIFE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MEGAPHONES ARE THE NEXT BEST THING TO THERAPY.
CHOOSE THERAPY INSTEAD.
TRIED. TOO EXPENSIVE.
HEY, RAT. IT'S ME, GOAT.
WONDERING IF YOU'RE GONNA JOIN US FOR OUR LITTLE GET-TOGETHER.
LOVE TO, BUT I'M AFRAID OF CATCHING COVID.
IT'S VIA ZOOM.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES.
SO THE PANDEMIC'S REALLY OVER THIS TIME?
YEP.
NO MORE NEW WAVES, NEW STRAINS, NEW LOCKDOWNS?
NOPE.
AND WE CAN PLAN AHEAD AGAIN? WEDDINGS, PARTIES, MEETINGS?
YEP YEP YEP.
AND WE CAN FINALLY ALL TRAVEL WHEREVER WE WANT AGAIN?
WHEREVER YOU WANT.
YOU PROMISE THIS TIME?
I PROMISE THIS TIME.
WHY DO I KEEP FALLING FOR IT?
YOU GOT ME, BLOCKHEAD.
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY CAR KEYS?
WHERE DID YOU SEE THEM LAST?
OH, I NEVER THOUGHT TO LOOK IN THE PLACE I SAW THEM LAST.
SAID NOT ONE PERSON EVER WHEN ASKED THAT!!
OH. THEY ARE THERE.
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY COFFEE MUG?
ENTERING A STORE BEFORE 2020 WITH A MASK.
AHHHHH!
ENTERING A STORE AFTER 2020 WITHOUT A MASK.
AHHHHH!
LIFE. ALWAYS SCARY.
BEST TO NEVER LEAVE HOME.
HEY, GOAT, THIS IS BONEY BONE NO. 2.
HE'S A CHEW TOY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO BONEY BONE NO. 1?
I BROUGHT HIM HERE TO THE DINER, BUT
HE GOT RIPPED TO SHREDS BY A DOG.
WELL, SOMEONE SURE GOT MOODY.
HEY, RAT, THIS IS BONEY BONE THE CHEW TOY. I FINALLY CONVINCED HIM TO GET OUT A LITTLE AND START EXPERIENCING THE WORLD.
YEAH, YOU CAN'T JUST LIVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE IN FEAR!
FEAR IS UNDERRATED.
HEY THERE, BONEY BONE THE CHEW TOY... WHY SO SAD?
BECAUSE MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE CONSISTS OF GETTING CHEWED UP BY DOGS WHO WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO TEAR THE SQUEAKER OUT MY CHEST.
CHEW TOYS ARE REAL DOWNERS.