Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT. SORRY I'M TWENTY MINUTES LATE.
DON'T BE. SORRY IS SUCH A MEANINGLESS WORD ANYWAY.
INSTEAD, I'M TAKING YOU TO THE "PENALTY BOX FOR THE PERPETUALLY LATE."
YOU'LL BE HERE FOR TWENTY MINUTES. THAT WAY I CAN WASTE THE SAME AMOUNT OF YOUR TIME AS YOU WASTED OF MINE.
JUSTICE IS INVIGORATING.

Dear Universe,
Yesterday my life hit the bottom of the barrel.
Today I found out there's another barrel under that barrel.
Quick question:
How many barrels are in this stack?
I JUST NEED A ROUGH APPROXIMATION.

LITERALLY EVERYONE I ENCOUNTER IN THE WORLD ANNOYS ME.

WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT I'M A MAGNET FOR STUPID PEOPLE.
YOU DRAW ODD CONCLUSIONS.
SURELY I'VE DONE MY TIME.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M THE LATEST SOFTWARE UPDATE FOR YOUR PHONE. I NOTICED YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING MY PROMPTS.
YEAH, YOU SEND A LOT OF THEM, BUT MY PHONE'S OLDER AND THE UPDATES ALWAYS SEEM TO MESS STUFF UP. SO THANKS ANYWAY.
UPDATE YOUR PHONE.
NO.
UPDATE YOUR PHONE.
NO.
HI, I'M TIM COOK, C.E.O. OF APPLE. UPDATE YOUR PHONE OR I'LL KICK YOU RIGHT IN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS.
I UPDATED MY PHONE.

HEY, RAT, WHAT'S WITH THE HALO? YOU SUDDENLY TRYING TO CONVINCE US THAT YOU'RE GOOD?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SORRY.
IT'S SO HARD TO GAUGE TIME IN COMIC STRIPS.

WHAT KEEPS ME FROM BEING AS SUCCESSFUL AS I COULD BE?
FEAR OF FAILING. ELIMINATE IT.
FEAR?
FAILING.
ADVICE IS OVERRATED.

WHAT ARE THE ISSUES IN THIS COUNTRY THAT WORRY YOU THE MOST?
THERE'S THIS BIG CHUNK OF LAND AT THE TOP OF WISCONSIN THAT DOESN'T EVEN TOUCH MICHIGAN, AND YET SOMEHOW MICHIGAN TOOK IT.
I FEAR WISCONSIN FIGHTING THEM FOR IT.
WASN'T ONE OF MY TOP TEN ISSUES.
DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY'LL HIT THEM WITH CHEESE WHEELS?

Hulloooo, Larry wife.
Me kill a cheeken for you dinner.
Well, thank you Bob. How very kind.
You beeleev dat? He buy from restruunt.
Yes, Larry. I believe it. He's a skilled hunter.
Me kill a cole slaw.

HOW YOU DOING, PIG?
GREAT. I FINALLY RENTED THIS APARTMENT I OWN TO TWO GUYS WHO DRESS LIKE EVEL KNIEVEL.
SO YOU'RE THE LESSOR OF TWO EVELS.
MAY ALL YOUR STUNTS GO AWRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
SELLING MY MICROWAVE, MY STOVE, AND MY CAR.
OH YEAH, WHY? ARE YOU GETTING NEW ONES?
NOPE.
I AM ELIMINATING ALL THREE DEVICES FROM MY LIFE FOREVER.
SOME GUYS HATE CHANGING THE CLOCKS MORE THAN OTHERS.
DON'T THINK I DON'T SEE YOU, COFFEE MAKER!

HOPE
OKAY, I'LL TAKE SOME.
HERE YOU GO.
A BALLOON? WHAT GOOD IS A BA---
HEY! WHAT THE? WHAT'S GOING ON?
TAKES YOU TO A NEW WORLD!
WHERE?
SOMEWHERE THAT'S NOT HERE!
ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER.

WELL, MY TRAVEL PLANS ARE SET. GONNA HEAD TO SPAIN AND PORTUGAL. HOW ABOUT YOU? ARE YOU GOING ANYWHERE?
OH... WELL... I'M THINKING OF GOING SOMEWHERE GREAT.
LIKE MAYBE... MONEY ISLAND, WHERE I CAN FIND STACKS OF CASH TO SEE EUROPE!!!
MAYBE I'LL DISCUSS THIS WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
NO, GO ON, MR. PRIVILEGED.

PLAN FOR LIFE
-Publish novel by age 30
-Win Pulitzer by 35
-Become millionaire by 40
-Retire by 45
-Travel entire world by 50
WHAT'S ALL THAT, NEIGHBOR NED?
MY PLAN FOR LIFE. YOU SHOULD DO ONE TOO.
Eat Pizza by 6 (o'clock)
HARD FOR ME TO SEE PAST DINNER.

Self-Improvement
Worksheet
All of us should
strive to be a
professional in
everything we do.
Because being a
pro means being:
PROactive
PROductive
PROmising
PROud
In what
ways
are you
a pro?
I
PROcrastinate.
GOOD TO KNOW I'M A
PRO AT SOMETHING.

HOW IS IT THAT I'M SEEING THESE ADS ONLINE FOR FLIGHTS TO ITALY JUST AS I'M PLANNING A TRIP?
THEY TRACK YOUR ONLINE SEARCHES AND GIVE YOU ADS BASED ON THAT.
BUT I HAVEN'T SEARCHED FOR IT. I'VE ONLY TALKED ABOUT IT WITH FRIENDS.
THIS IS WHERE I TELL YOU NOT TO WORRY THAT YOUR PHONE HAS A REALLY GOOD BUILT-IN MICROPHONE.
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME AS PARANOID AS YOU.
DON'T BE. SINCE WHEN HAS A TECH COMPANY BREACHED OUR PRIVACY?

I hear you're writing a book on how to get ahead in life.
Yeah. Have a look.
Go to a morgue late at night.
Steal one.
The space between the 'a' and 'head makes a big difference.
It does.

HEY, PIG. YOU DON'T NEED THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS IN LIFE. YOU SHOULD JUST LEAD THE LIFE YOU WANT TO LEAD.
Hi. I'm eating cheese.

WELL, LOOK AT SUPERMAN HERE. DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS SUPERMAN BECAME SO BIG AND STRONG?
BECAUSE HE'S A SUPER-HERO?
NO. BY EATING A WIDE VARIETY OF NUTS AND SEEDS AND FOODS HIGH IN OMEGA 3 AND OMEGA 6 POLYUNSATURATED FATS.
AND FOCUSING ON PRE-DAWN, HIGH-INTENSITY, INTERVAL TRAINING, THEREBY INCREASING ENDURANCE CAPACITY.
SO IF YOU WOULD JUST LEND ME THAT CHINTZY, PLASTIC RECEPTACLE...
I'LL DUMP OUT ALL THE LITTLE CANDIES IN THE GARBAGE WHERE THEY BELONG.
AND LEAVE YOU WITH THIS VALUABLE PAMPHLET ON ACHIEVING PEAK PERFORMANCE.
WHY CAN'T HE JUST TURN OFF HIS PORCH LIGHT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?
NEVER TRICK-OR-TREAT A CYCLIST.

TRICK OR TREAT.
A GHOST COSTUME.
ZERO FOR CREATIVITY. ZERO FOR EFFORT.
NO CANDY FOR YOU.
WE DON'T RATE OUR TRICK-OR-TREATERS.
HE'S SPRAY-PAINTING YOUR GARAGE. NOW THAT'S CREATIVE.

EVER NOTICE HOW EASY IT IS TO ACCIDENTALLY CLICK THAT LITTLE THUMBS-UP ON FACEBOOK MESSENGER?
YEAH, I DO IT ALL THE TIME.
EVER DO IT WHEN SOMEONE JUST TOLD YOU THEIR MOM WAS HIT BY A BUS?
NO.
EVER BEEN DISINVITED FROM A FUNERAL?

TRICK OR TREAT.
HEY, GREAT COSTUME. ARE YOU A RAILROAD HOBO?
NO. I'M JUST HOMELESS. BUT I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT ON THE ONE DAY PEOPLE ARE OPEN TO STRANGERS SOLICITING THEM.
EVER FEEL LIKE RETHINKING EVERYTHING?
HEY, WHAT'D YOU DO WITH ALL THE FOOD IN OUR PANTRY?

Dear young me...
Don't worry so much in life. Everything works out in the end.
WHERE DOES ONE SEND THESE?

TRICK OR TREAT.
OH, IF IT'S NOT THE BIG KIDS WHO ALWAYS COME WITHOUT ANY COSTUMES AT THE END OF THE NIGHT EXUDING A VAGUE, THREATENING AIR...
...HOPING THAT US HOMEOWNERS ARE AFRAID YOU'LL VANDALIZE OUR HOME AND CAN THEREFORE BE SCARED INTO GIVING YOU ALL OUR REMAINING CANDY DESPITE YOUR OBVIOUS LACK OF COSTUMING EFFORT.
THAT IS CORRECT.
I GAVE THEM ALL OUR CANDY.

THE CHART O' HUMAN PROGRESS
HUMANS WALK UPRIGHT
FIRST USE OF TOOLS
TRANSITION FROM HUNTER/GATHERERS TO AGRICULTURE
WIDESPREAD USE OF ELECTRICITY
RISE OF SOCIAL MEDIA.
YOUR ARROWS RUNNING OUT OF PAPER.

HARDWARE STORE
THE
Everything-Will-
Be-Okay-Again-
PORTAL
JUST WALK
THROUGH
THE
Everything-Will-
Be-Okay-Again-
PORTAL
JUST
WALK
THROUGH
THE
Everything-Will-
Be-Okay-Again-
PORTAL
JUST
WALK
THROUGH
IF
ONLY.
I'M TRYING
IT ANYWAY.
I MISSED YOU,
HAPPINESS!