Pearls Before Swine | Search

WELL, I'VE CUT OUT THE CAFFEINE AND THE LATE NIGHT SUGAR, SO TONIGHT I SHOULD FINALLY BE ABLE TO GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
PROBABLY NOT.
WHO ARE YOU?
THE WORRY MONK. I KNOW YOUR WORRIES BACKWARDS AND FORWARD, SO I WAKE YOU AT 2 A.M. TO REMIND YOU OF THEM.
IT'S NOT THE CAFFEINE.

HEY, PIG, I WAS REALLY SAD TO HEAR YOU'VE DECIDED TO CUT TIES WITH YOUR FAMILY.
WHY IS IT SAD?
WE JUST HATE UGLY TIES.
THIS STRIP MAKES ME EVEN SADDER.

MONTANA
I NEED TO TAKE DOWN MY MONTANA POSTER.

BOO HOO HOO HOO
OH NO, PIG. HOW COME YOU'RE CRYING?
NO REASON.
SOMETIMES I JUST LIKE TO LET MY EMOTIONS GET THE BETTER OF ME.
IS HE THE HEALTHY ONE OR ARE WE?
I'M ROBUSTLY UNHEALTHY.

I think my
life is about to
turn a corner.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT… WHAT
A HOPEFUL ATTITUDE FOR
A MONDAY.
Right
into an
oncoming
bus.
THAT'S
NOT AS
HOPEFUL.
THERE'S
NO HOPE
ON
MONDAYS.

HEY, STEPH, THIS IS MY NEIGHBOR BOB'S KID, JULIA. SHE JUST GRADUATED FROM BERKELEY.
THAT'S GREAT, JULIA! I LOVED MY CAL DAYS. THE CAMPUS...ACTIVITIES... DRINKING AT 'HENRY'S'...
THE FOOTBALL GAMES WITH AARON RODGERS... BASKETBALL GAMES WITH JASON KIDD... AND GOING TO TOP DOG FOR LATE NIGHT...
AND JUST GETTING TO KNOW ALL THE OTHER STUDENTS, LIKE MY 'DAILY CAL' BUDDIES MATT AND THE PROCESS WHERE WE OCCUPIED SPROUL HALL...
AND, OF COURSE, GRADUATION AT ZELLERBACH HALL, WHERE MY FAMILY WAS THERE.. HOW ABOUT YOU? HOW'D YOU ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE?
I SAT IN MY BEDROOM AND STARED AT A COMPUTER SCREEN.
MAYBE DON'T REMINISCE AROUND THE COVID GENERATION...
IS SHE STILL CRYING IN THE BATHROOM?

STATE HEALTH OFFICIALS SAY THAT TODAY'S EXTREME HEAT MAKES IT VERY IMPORTANT TO STAY HYDRATED.
NEVER QUESTION THE STATE.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY, PIG?
I'M JUST ABOUT BURSTING WITH JOY.
HANG ON. LET ME LET A LITTLE BIT OUT.
DIDN'T WANT TO POP.

IN LIGHT OF WHAT HAPPENED WITH THIS PANDEMIC, I PROPOSE THAT GOING FORWARD WE STOP SHAKING HANDS AT SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE WE DO INSTEAD?
NOT HAVE SOCIAL GATHERINGS.
WE MISANTHROPES HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.

DID YOU SEE HOW IF YOU SAY OFFENSIVE THINGS ABOUT CERTAIN RELIGIOUS SECTS, THEY REGISTER YOUR NAME ON SOME LIST?
REALLY?
YEP.
YOU BECOME A REGISTERED SECTS OFFENDER.
IS YOUR MOM PROUD OF THIS?
I DON'T TELL HER.

RAT EMERGES AMONG PEOPLE FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE PANDEMIC BEGAN.
DID YOU USE THE LAST FIFTEEN MONTHS TO GET SMARTER?
NO!
LESS ANNOYING?
NO!
I MISS STAY-AT-HOME ORDERS.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, PIG?
I WENT ON A CANOE RIDE.
HOW FAR DID YOU GO?
WE CANOODLED SIX MILES.
NOT CORRECT.
LISTEN, I KNOW HOW MUCH I CANOODLED.

HEY, RAT. WHAT'S THIS?
IT'S MY NEW BUSINESS. I WILL SPY ON ANYONE FOR A NOMINAL FEE.
WHERE THEY LIVE. WHAT THEY DO. WHAT THEY SAY TO OTHERS. WHAT THEY LIKE. AND WHO THEY SOCIALIZE WITH.
ALL FOR THE LOW, LOW RATE OF TWO HUNDRED BUCKS AN HOUR.
I THINK THAT'S ALL FREE ON FACEBOOK.
THAT'S GONNA HURT MY BUSINESS MODEL.

I HEAR FROM RAT THAT YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE WITH YOUR EX.
YEAH. IT'S GETTING PRETTY UGLY.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU HAD AN EX.
WELL, HE DOES, YOU %$#@&% $#-$#@*.
AN 'X' CAN BE VERY DIFFICULT.
AN 'X' IS DIFFICULT? DO YOU KNOW 'Y'?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PIG?
I'M OFF TO SEE THE WISE ASS ON THE HILL. HIS CALM WISDOM SETTLES ME DOWN IN THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES.
OH, WISE --
I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS! THE WORLD'S IN AN AWFUL MESS! WE'RE SCREWED! SCREWED! SCREWED!
BAD NEWS.

I'VE DECIDED TO NO LONGER LET FEAR RULE MY LIFE.
GOOD FOR YOU.
INSTEAD I'LL CHOOSE REGRET.
NEVER MIND.
STILL BAD, BUT SO MUCH LESS SCARY.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW THESE BASEBALL PLAYERS JUST KEEP LOOKING YOUNGER AND YOUNGER?
NO, THEY DON'T. YOU JUST GET OLDER AND OLDER.
THEN I DECIDED TO NEVER WATCH SPORTS AGAIN.

I'M SO TIRED OF DUMB PEOPLE RUINING MY LIFE.
DON'T GET DOWN. YOU CAN ALWAYS GO TO THAT SMART CITY.
WHAT SMART CITY?
CLEVER LAND.
CLEVELAND.
SORRY TO RUIN YOUR PLAN.
THEY'VE GOTTA BE SMARTER THAN AVERAGE.

- GREAT JOB
- BIG SALARY
- HUGE HOUSE
- EARLY RETIREMENT
WHAT IS ALL THAT?
THIS THING WHERE YOU WRITE DOWN ALL THAT YOU WANT IN LIFE. IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE IT. HERE, TRY FOR YOURSELF.
I think
I just
want to
be loved.
I HATE WHEN OTHERS HAVE MORE CLARITY THAN ME.

PENCIL STORE
PEN STORE
IDEA STORE
IDEA STORE
CLOSED
OUT OF BUSINESS
DON'T FORGET
THE LIFE O'
WRITERS
THE FLAW IN THE SYSTEM.
IS THE SELF-LOATHING STORE NEXT?
I LOATHE MYSELF! CAN I BE A WRITER?

HEY, PIG. DID YOU EVER LOOK INTO HIRING PRIVATE SECURITY TO PROTECT OUR HOUSE? THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS GETTING TOO DANGEROUS.
YEAH, BUT IT WAS EXPENSIVE, SO I HIRED A GUY WHO WAS A LITTLE CHEAPER.
WHO'D YOU GET?
THE PILLOW MAN FEARS NO ONE.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD SPEND MORE MONEY.

I JUST SEEM TO BE GETTING LESS AND LESS PRODUCTIVE WITH MY TIME.
I USED TO BE THAT WAY, TOO. THEN I STARTED DOING VISUALIZATION. YOU JUST VISUALIZE WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE AND SOMEHOW IT HAPPENS.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO VISUALIZE?
NAPPING.
I'M SLIGHTLY MORE AMBITIOUS.
OH, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.

DO YOU EVER BECOME CONSCIOUS OF YOUR TONGUE? WHERE IT IS IN YOUR MOUTH? WHAT IT'S DOING? HOW IT FEELS?
NOT REALLY. BUT I AM NOW.
AS ARE MILLIONS OF READERS WHOSE MORNINGS I'VE NOW DERAILED.
THAT SEEMS UNFAIR.
ITH WHY I THON'T READ THE COMICTH THANYMORE.

LISTEN TO THIS GREAT ETHICS QUESTION... FIVE PEOPLE ARE TIED TO A RAILROAD TRACK. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO FLIP A SWITCH, AND THEREBY DIVERTING A TRAIN AND SAVING THEIR LIVES...
BUT - IF YOU DO - YOU KILL A GUY WHO IS STANDING ON ANOTHER TRACK. WHAT DO YOU DO?
I'D NEED MORE INFO.
LIKE WHAT?
AM I IN THE MIDDLE OF PLAYING CANDY CRUSH?
MAYBE YOU'RE THE WRONG GUY TO ASK.
IF SO, PEOPLE ARE GONNA DIE.

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST DOING SOME STRETCHING WHILE WATCHING T.V. I LOVE WATCHING T.V. AND I THINK IT COUNTS AS EXERCISE.
IT'S ONLY EXERCISE IF YOU DREAD IT BEFORE IT HAPPENS AND HATE IT WHILE IT'S HAPPENING.
YOU'VE CONVINCED ME TO JUST EAT CHEESE PUFFS.