Pearls Before Swine | Search

I JUST TOOK AN I.Q. TEST SO I CAN APPLY TO MENSES.
THE NAME IS MENSA.
DOES THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
YES.
PERHAPS HE SHOULDN'T JOIN MENSA.

EMBRACE CHANGE.
NICE.
BECAUSE LIFE GIVES YOU NO CHOICE.
LESS NICE.
FROM MY NEW BOOK, "LIFE IS INCONSIDERATE."

SURE YOU FEEL FINE NOW, BRAIN. BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW?!
YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB!
YOUR MARRIAGE IS A DISASTER!
LEMME GO! LEMME GO!
LOOKS LIKE IT'S DAWN.
WE CAN LET HIM GO.
'TIL TOMORROW NIGHT, BRAIN.
THE SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR WHAT HAPPENS TO BRAINS AT NIGHT.
NO ONE KIDNAPS YOUR BRAIN.
WHOA. MAYBE MINE IS STILL GONE.

THE WOMAN NEXT TO ME IS SO PRETTY.
TRY SOME PICKUP LINE.
PICKUPS HAVE FOUR WHEELS AND A BIG, LONG PART WHERE GARDENERS PUT THEIR LAWN MOWERS.
I THINK I JUST CONFUSED HER.

DO YOU EVER REGRET THINGS THAT YOU'VE DONE?
DOES RELIVING THEM AND SMILING COUNT?
NO.
THIS REGRET THING SOUNDS LIKE A REAL BUMMER.

Dear life,
Please give me credit for trying.
Just an acknowledgment that you know I'm doing my best and that it counts for something.
LIFE HAS A KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR.

HELLO?
HI, THIS IS ACME HEALTH CALLING TO LET YOU KNOW WE'RE LOWERING YOUR PREMIUMS.
OH, MY GOODNESS! POSITIVE NEWS ABOUT MY HEALTH INSURANCE? THIS NEVER HAPPENS! THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YOU BET.
ALSO, WE'RE RAISING YOUR DEDUCTIBLE TO FIFTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS.
THAT SEEMS LESS HELPFUL.
DON'T BE GREEDY, PAL.

SOME DAYS I FIND MYSELF JUST SITTING AROUND ON MY PHONE JUDGING OTHERS. AND I THINK, "HOW IS THIS FURTHERING MY LIFE'S GOALS?"
NOT ME. I'VE ALREADY ACHIEVED MY LIFE'S GOAL.
WHAT IS IT?
SITTING AROUND ON MY PHONE JUDGING OTHERS.
YOU'VE SET THE BAR HIGH.
JUST TAKES A PHONE AND SOME ANGER.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME CRASH IN YOUR LIVING ROOM WHILE MY HOUSE IS BEING PAINTED, PIG.
NO PROBLEM! SO THIS IS THE REMOTE FOR THE TV IN CASE YOU WANT TO WATCH.
AND THIS ONE IS FOR THE CABLE BOX, AND THIS IS FOR THE DVD. AND THIS IS FOR THE AMAZON FIRE STICK, AND THIS ONE'S FOR APPLE TV.
AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU THROW AGAINST THE WALL WHEN ALL THIS INFURIATES YOU.
I'LL JUST NEED THAT LAST ONE.
TRY NOT TO BREAK A WINDOW.

WANT TO DO A DEW WITH ME?
I CAN'T. MOUNTAIN DEW MAKES MY STOMACH HURT.
REALLY?
YEAH, REALLY GETS MY SYSTEM ALL DAMMED UP. BESIDES, MY STOMACH HURTS ALREADY.
HOW COME?
I THINK I GET TOO MUCH JOY FROM DAUNTING OTHERS. YOU KNOW, INTIMIDATING THEM.
THAT SOUNDS BAD.
YEAH. AND I THINK THAT BECAUSE OF IT, I MIGHT GO TO HELL ONE DAY.
SO YOU'RE DAMMED IF YOU DEW, DAMNED IF YOU DAUNT.
YOU'RE THE ONE GOING TO HELL.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I ASKED OUR NEIGHBOR TERRY OUT ON A DATE, BUT SHE SAID NO.
MAYBE I CAN TALK TO HER.
WHAT WILL YOU SAY?
LOWER YOUR STANDARDS IMMENSELY.
DIDN'T WORK.

BOO HOO HOOO
OH NO, PIG... HOW COME YOU’RE CRYING?
JUST THE BEAUTY OF LIFE.
HE’S NOT BUILT LIKE THE REST OF US.
I CRY ONLY WITH RAGE.

WELL, I'M OFF TO CANOODLE.
YOU? WITH WHOM?
JUST MYSELF.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD MEANS?
JUST SKIP AND SING AND BE HAPPY!
PERHAPS WE SHOULD CORRECT HIM.
NO. MORE FUN THIS WAY.

CAUTION
WATCH FOR CHILDREN
SOME SIGNS ARE MUCH TOO AMBIGUOUS.
HEY, THEY WARNED YOU.

HEY, PAL, WHAT'S WITH THE MASK? WE NO LONGER HAVE TO WEAR THEM.
I'M ROBBING THE PLACE.
THIS ERA IS SO CONFUSING.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY ACHIEVED?
NO.
SO YOU'VE ACHIEVED EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO?
NO. I'VE NEVER WANTED TO ACHIEVE ANYTHING.
THAT'S DIFFERENT.
I THOUGHT THE POINT OF LIFE WAS TO EAT CHEESE AND NAP.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, I'VE STUDIED ALL OF THE WORLD'S DOCTRINES AND PHILOSOPHIES AND LISTENED TO ALL THE GURUS AND LECTURERS AND STILL I HAVE NO IDEA -- WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
BUY A BLOCK OF CHEESE AND SOME BEER.
THEN SIT IN THE SUN AND CONSUME IT.
AND THEN WHAT?
THAT'S IT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENT SCHOOLS OF THOUGHT FROM THE PHILOSOPHERS AND GURUS AND LECTURERS?
THEY KNOW NOT OF CHEESE AND BEER.
IT'S NICE TO FINALLY BE ENLIGHTENED.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S GOING ON?
THE MAYOR SAID HE MIGHT WANT ME AND MY FRIEND APRIL TO BE IN THE MARCHING BAND FOR THE CITY PARADE.
THAT'S GREAT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT SONGS YOU'RE GONNA PLAY?
PROBABLY THE SAME UNINTERESTING ONES EVERY MARCHING BAND PLAYS.
WELL, EVEN IF THE SONGS ARE JEJUNE, IT'S GREAT YOU AND APRIL MAY MARCH WITH SUCH AUGUST COMPANY.
COULDN'T FIT IN JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JULY, SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, AND DECEMBER.
NO. AND I TRIED.

WELL, THE WORLD'S FINALLY OPENING BACK UP AND I'M OFF TO EXPERIENCE IT!
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT! ENJOY!
I FORGOT HOW MUCH PEOPLE ANNOY ME.

WHAT ARE YOU CROSSING OFF THERE, RAT?
THE NAMES OF RELATIVES. I'VE DECIDED TO CUT TIES WITH ALL THE PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY WHO ARE NUTTERS.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD, I GUESS.
NOT REALLY.
THERE'S NO ONE LEFT.
MAYBE THE PROBLEM'S NOT THEM.
OH, GREAT, ANOTHER NUTTER.

MY PANDEMIC-ERA CLOTHES ARE NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE.

HOW YOU DOING, PIG?
NOT GOOD. MY GIRLFRIEND JUST TOLD ME I'M NO FUN BECAUSE I'M NEVER SPONTANEOUS.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLANNING OUT ALL THE TIMES I'M GONNA BE SPONTANEOUS.
THAT'LL SHOW HER.
WHAT'S THE BEST HOUR AND MINUTE OF THE DAY TO BE SPONTANEOUS?

Happy for no reason
Happy for no reason
YOU HAVE TO HAVE A REASON, YOU DUMB PIG. BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS LIFE IS NASTY, BRUTISH AND SHORT.
Happy for no reason
I'm not him

ATTENTION, PLEASE!
THE SAYING 'IT IS WHAT IT IS’ HAS ABSOLUTELY NO MEANING.
SO NEXT TIME YOU FEEL THE NEED TO UTTER WORDS WITHOUT MEANING, YOU WILL SAY THE FOLLOWING PHRASE INSTEAD...
THE FLOOT FLOOT DID A BOOM BOOM ON THE JIM JAM.
NOW DOES HE REALLY NEED THE MEGAPHONE?
THE FLOOT FLOOT DID A BOOM BOOM ON THE JIM JAM.

NUTS. CAN'T SLEEP, OKAY. JUST RELAX AND TRY TO THINK OF NOTHING.
GEE, IS THAT REALLY SMART WITH ALL THE THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG IN YOUR LIFE?
WHO ARE YOU?
THE WORRY MONK. I'M HERE TO EXPLOIT ANY EYE OPENINGS BY FILLING YOUR HEAD WITH BAD THINGS THAT KEEP YOU UP ALL NIGHT.
WE NEED TO START LOCKING THE DOORS.