Pearls Before Swine | Search

DID YOU HEAR THIS STORY ABOUT THE BAD STUFF THIS ACTRESS DID?
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE?
I SAW IT ON THE TWITTER.
BUT TWITTER DOESN'T VERIFY THAT IT'S TRUE.
YES IT DOES. THEY EMPLOY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO VERIFY THE TRUTH OF EACH STORY BEFORE IT GETS TWEETED OUT.
WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ON THE TWITTER.
NO.
SOUNDS RIGHT. I'LL TWEET THAT.

I was with a friend of mine this morning. I think I solved all of her problems.
Oh yeah? How?
I stopped causing them.
I don’t think you get credit for that.
She seemed grateful.

HEY, PIG. MY FOUR SISTERS ARE COMING OVER TODAY.
WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
HELEN. MARY LEE. VYE LEE. BUT THAT REMINDS ME, MY MOM THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY TO GIVE THEM ALL THE SAME NAME.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT. ARE THEY EXCITED ABOUT THE VISIT?
NOT REALLY. EACH OF THEM HAS A STOMACH ACHE.
HEY. I HAVE A REMEDY FOR THAT.
WHAT'S THAT?
I DROP SOME ICE IN WATER. THE SOUND OF THE FIZZ RELAXES ME AND MAKES ME DREAM OF BUDDHA. THEN MY STOMACH SUDDENLY FEELS FINE.
THAT'S GREAT. HERE THEY COME NOW. TELL THEM AND YOU CAN GIVE THEM A STEP-BY-STEP CURE FOR STOMACH ACHES.
YOU TELL EACH OF US THE STEPS.
MARY LEE. MARY LEE. MARY LEE. MARY LEE. VYE-L'EE. FIZZ. BUDDHA. DREAM.
IT FEELS MORE LIKE A NIGHTMARE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
POSTING SOMETHING ON SOCIAL MEDIA THAT I HOPE WILL GO VIRAL. I HEARD THEIR ALGORITHMS PRIORITIZE CONFLICT.
SO WHAT DID YOU POST?
I want to punch you all in the face.
WHAT A WONDERFUL ERA.
HEY, MOST RETWEETS EVER.

3,660 HOURS OF NETFLIX PROGRAMS
IS THAT AN AD FOR NETFLIX?
MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS FOR THE YEAR.
YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.
I'M HOPING FOR A PRIZE.

LIFE'S MOTTO FROM BIRTH TO 2019:
THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
LIFE'S MOTTO IN 2020:
THIS WILL PROBABLY PASS.
LIFE'S MOTTO IN 2021:
WHAT THE @$%# IS HAPPENING?!
I SENSE A DOWNWARD TREND.
I FEAR NEXT YEAR'S.

OH, MY GOODNESS! I'M SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS DATE I'M ABOUT TO GO ON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
YOU CAN'T MEET HER IN THAT STATE. YOU'LL MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF.
THEN WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?! I'M JUST SO HAPPY!
HANG ON. I KEEP A "NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTER HERE FOR JUST THIS OCCASION.
EVERYONE'S DYING AND THE WORLD IS ENDING.
HEY. IT WORKED.
YEAH. THEY CAN REALLY BRING YOU DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, RAT?
OUR NATIONAL PASTIME.
I JUST LOVE THE CRACK OF THE BAT, THE HITTING, THE RUNNING. THE STEALING.
BASEBALL DOES HOLD US ALL TOGETHER.
BASEBALL? I'M WATCHING RIOTING.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED IN THIS COUNTRY.
OH, YEAH. BASEBALL WAS MUCH LESS EXCITING.

Make every day better than the last!
NOT HARD WHEN THE DAYS ARE AS CRAPPY AS THESE.
PLEASE DON'T WRITE IN MY MOTIVATIONAL DIARY.

Motivation For Going To Work:
Develop important skills.
Impress boss with reliability.
Climb the corporate ladder and advance my career.
Avoid starvation.
I KNEW SOMETHING WOULD RESONATE.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN SOMEONE IS TALKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE'S GOALS AND THEY TELL YOU TO "REACH FOR THE MOON"?
IT MEANS SET YOUR GOALS REALLY HIGH.
BUT IS THE MOON SOMETHING YOU CAN ACTUALLY STRETCH OUT AND REACH?
OF COURSE NOT.
SO THEY'RE CONDEMNING ME TO A LIFETIME OF FUTILITY?
NEVER MIND.
I CAN'T EVEN REACH THE TOP SHELF OF MY PANTRY.

You can't change the past.
But there is one thing you can do.
Cry about it constantly.
I LOST MY JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.

EXCUSE ME, BUT ARE YOU STEPHAN PASTIS?
HAHA, YEAH, I AM. DO YOU KNOW ME FROM "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" OR MY KIDS BOOK "TIMMY FAILURE"?
I KNOW YOU FROM THIS CREDIT CARD BECAUSE I'M ENDING MY SHIFT AND NEED TO CLOSE IT OUT.
YOU SAD, MISERABLE PUTZ.
SHOULD I SIGN THE RECEIPT ‘BEST WISHES’?

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
HELP ME, O WISE ASS, FOR I CONSTANTLY NEED MY LIFE VALIDATED, SO I POST PHOTOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA, BUT IF THEY GET LESS THAN FIFTY LIKES, I FEEL WORTHLESS.
YEAH, FIFTY'S NOT VERY HIGH.
HE WASN'T HELPFUL.

Leadership Skills Test
Life presents you with a situation in which all available options are bad. What do you do?
Nap.
YOU MAY NOT BE LEADERSHIP MATERIAL.
BUT I ALWAYS FEEL REFRESHED.

DID YOU KNOW THAT SIXTY PERCENT OF YOUR BODY IS WATER?
CAN'T BE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE I'M EIGHTY PERCENT SPITE.
I WON'T ARGUE.
IT'S A WONDER I'VE MADE IT THIS LONG.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. HERE'S MY TEN BUCKS.
OKAY. HERE YOU GO.
A BALLOON? WHO WANTS A STUPID BA --
WHAT THE -- WHAT'S GOING ON?
TAKES YOU TO A NEW WORLD.
WHAT GOOD IS THAT?
YOU'RE ONE LESS PERSON CLOGGING UP MY MORNING COMMUTE.
HOW'S THAT A BETTER FUTURE FOR ME?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT YOU?
GUY DOESN'T READ SIGNS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
GOOD. JUST WENT DEER HUNTING.
OH, GOODNESS. I COULD NEVER KILL A LIVING THING.
HOW DO YOU THINK THAT BEEF GOT ON YOUR BURGER?
RONALD McDONALD WAITED PATIENTLY FOR AN OLD COW TO DIE IN HIS SLEEP.
NOT HOW THAT GOES.
AND THE COW HAD ACHIEVED ALL HIS DREAMS AND WAS READY.

WHAT IF THIS WHOLE PANDEMIC THING NEVER ENDS AND WE JUST KEEP GETTING NEW STRAINS OF THE VIRUS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, NEIGHBOR BOB, I'M AFRAID MY NEGATIVITY BUCKET IS ALREADY FILLED TO THE BRIM THESE DAYS AND JUST CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER DROP. SO, I'M SORRY, BUT...
WHEN YOUR NEGATIVITY BUCKET IS FULL, IT'S FULL.

WHERE'S THAT NEIGHBOR WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO COME OVER?
HE'S HEADED DOWNTOWN LATER, SO HE NEEDED TO RUN HOME AND GRAB A MASK.
FOR THE VIRUS, THE SMOKE FROM THE FIRES, OR TO ATTEND A RACIST RALLY?
I SHOULD HAVE ASKED.
YOU HAVE TO BE VERY SPECIFIC NOW.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, RAT?
THROWING HAND GRENADES AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU CAN’T DO THAT!
YOU’RE REALLY IMPINGING ON MY FREEDOM.
THINGS ARE OUT OF HAND.

IF YOU NEED ME WHILE I'M GONE,
CALL ME ON WhatsApp.
CALL YOU ON WHAT?
"Whats-"
WHAT'S THE APP?
WhatsApp.
NOT MUCH
WHAT'S UP
WITH YOU?
DON'T CALL ME
AT ALL.
WHAT'S
APPENING
RIGHT NOW?

OH. SORRY. SHOULD I BE WEARING A MASK?
YES. FOR WHEN YOU WALK IN AND ARE SEATED, THEN YOU CAN TAKE IT OFF WHEN YOU'RE EATING.
UNLESS YOU SIT OUTSIDE. THEN JUST PUT IT ON AND WHEN YOU SIT DOWN ON THE PATIO, YOU CAN TAKE IT OFF IMMEDIATELY.
UNLESS YOU WALK BACK IN TO USE THE BATHROOM. IN WHICH CASE PUT IT BACK ON AND LEAVE IT ON UNTIL YOU GET BACK OUTSIDE. UNLESS YOU'RE SITTING INSIDE, THEN LEAVE IT ON 'TIL YOU'RE EATING.
LET'S GET TAKE-OUT.

ZZZZT
ARRRHHH
IT'S ALIVE
WHAT IS IT
IT'S MY CREATION AND IT'S ALIVE
A CREATURE WITH TREMENDOUS STRENGTH AND POTENTIAL
ARRGG
LOOK AT IT USE ITS POWER TO BUILD BRIDGES AND HELP OUR LITTLE VILLAGE CONNECT WITH...
NO NO MY CREATURE WHAT ARE YOU DOING
STOP HIM HE'S DESTROYING ALL OF US
I CAALLLLMP
I CALL IT THE CREATION OF SOCIAL MEDIA
AWWWW I'M SURE ITS BEHAVIOR WILL IMPROVE

HELLO, GOAT.

HELLO, RAT.

YESTERDAY, MY MOUTH SAID THINGS TO YOU I DIDN'T MEAN. I THINK IT JUST HAD A BAD DAY. PERSONALLY, I'M DISAPPOINTED IN IT.

SOME APOLOGIES ARE NOT QUITE APOLOGIES.