Pearls Before Swine | Search

PUTTING TOGETHER MY FANTASY TEAM. YOU CAN
PICK COMMENTATOR FORMER PLAYERS. THAT N.F.L.
COMMENTATOR HOWIE LONG GOT ME INTO IT.
WE'RE FRIENDS, SO I CALL HIM "HOW" FOR SHORT.
Well, that's good.
But who is B.A.T.T.?
Y.
Why?
WATT?
BECAUSE HE'S GOOD.
Yeah, WHICH
Watt? Is it the
Watt in the hall
of fame, OR is it
his brother?
J.J.?
THERE'S
NO. WARE
IS OVER
BACK THERE
BEFORE
WYNN.
NFL FANTASY DRAFT
J.J. WATT
DEMARUCUS WARE
ISAIAH WYNN
YA TIT TLE
NO.
WYNN.
NOT.
WYNN.
WHEN DID I EVEN
KNOW WHY YOU'RE DOING
ALL THIS.
Watt?
HOW Y?
How what?
HOW LONG.
AAAHHHHH!!!
I'M GOING
BACK TO MY
HOME.
MAHOMES
ISN'T UP
THERE.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
I WILL NOT
LET OTHERS’
CRITICISM
AFFECT ME.
I WILL NOT
LET OTHERS’
CRITICISM
AFFECT ME.
NOISE-
CANCELING
HEADPHONES
DON’T COUNT!
YOU
HAVE A
GOOD
DAY, TOO!

DO YOU THINK MIRACLES ARE POSSIBLE?
YES.
WHEN I DRINK, THE PEOPLE AROUND ME BECOME TOLERABLE.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A MIRACLE.
YOU WOULD IF YOU KNEW THEM.

THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS TO TELL PEOPLE WHO'VE HURT YOU THAT YOU'RE WILLING TO FORGET THE PAST.
THAT'S VERY MATURE OF YOU. AND I BET IT MAKES THE OTHER PEOPLE FEEL GREAT.
IT DOES. SO THEY LET THEIR GUARD DOWN. AND THAT'S WHEN YOU CRUSH THEM.
MY KIND OF GENIUS CANNOT BE REPLICATED.

The Two-Step Guide to a Fulfilling Career
STEP 1:
Identify your favorite pastime.
SLEEPING
STEP 2:
Identify a money-making career that's related to it.
STEAL SOMEONE'S WALLET WHILE THEY'RE SLEEPING.
I JUST MASTERED LIFE

HEY, RAT, DID YOU USE MY CAR TODAY AND NOT REFILL THE TANK?
I DID.
WHAT POSSIBLE EXCUSE CAN YOU HAVE FOR BORROWING SOMEONE'S CAR AND NOT REFILLING THE TANK?
IT WAS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OUR SHAREHOLDERS.
ONLY WORKS FOR CORPORATIONS.
RAT, INC. APOLOGIZES TO NO ONE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, GIVE ME SOME ADVICE TO HELP ME GET THROUGH LIFE.
IN LIFE, YOU CANNOT CONTROL WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.
BUT YOU CAN CONTROL HOW YOU RESPOND.
I WAS HOPING HE'D JUST SAY BOOZE.

Meet Bob.
PLEASE DON'T GIVE US A BAD REVIEW!
Bob reviews every restaurant he goes to on Yelp.
And every indie album he gets on iTunes.
"ONE STAR...
JERUNE AT BEST."
TYPE TYPE TYPE
And every place he rents on Air BNB.
"HOST DID NOT PROVIDE MINI MINT ON PILLOW."
And every book he buys on Amazon.
"BOB USED TO BE JUST AN AVERAGE GUY."
But now Bob impacts the business of everyone he encounters.
MY LATE HUSBAND AND I EXACTLY AS YOU ASKED FOR.
Please, Bob, I need this job.
WELCOME TO THE AGE OF BOB.
BWAH HA HAA
DUMB. STRIP.
ZERO STARS.
THAT'S A HARSH, BOB.

¡Cómo están,
estrelllas!
¡LA VACA!
¡LA VACA!
¡ADIOS CABALLEROS!
We apologize for any inconvenience.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO EXPAND MY MIND A LITTLE AND CAME UP WITH WHAT I THINK IS MY MOST BRILLIANT CHARACTER SO FAR... SPANISH-SPEAKING-CHICKEN-IN-A-LEVITATING-FRYING-PAN.
HOLA.
STATES SHOULD STOP LEGALIZING MARIJUANA.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
FORGIVENESS.
I AGREE.
AND YET I'M STILL WAITING FOR THE IDIOTS AROUND ME TO ASK ME FOR IT.
MAYBE I COULD GET A JOB SELLING INSURANCE.

I WANT TO GO OUT TO DINNER ALONE, BUT I'M WORRIED WHAT PEOPLE WILL THINK.
DO YOU WANT THE GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS FIRST?
GOOD NEWS.
PEOPLE DON'T THINK THAT MUCH ABOUT YOU.
BAD NEWS.
PEOPLE DON'T THINK THAT MUCH ABOUT YOU.
THAT'S ALMOST REASSURING.
LIVE YOUR LIFE, SAYS THE UNIVERSE.

WHAT KEEPS ME FROM BEING AS SUCCESSFUL AS I COULD BE?
SKILL.
WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT IT?
DESPAIR.
IT'S NICE TO GET RIGHT TO THE POINT.

HEY, RAT. DID YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED IN THE NEWS?
BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, YOU BETTER CHECK MY BAD NEWS CAPACITOR. IT TELLS YOU HOW MUCH MORE BAD NEWS I CAN TAKE.
I CAN COPE
GETTING UPSET
VERY UPSET
SNAP
MAYBE I'LL TELL SOMEONE ELSE.
WISE CHOICE.

YEAH, UH. I GOT A BIG HOUSE, NICE CAR.
IMPORTANT JOB TITLE.
HIGH SALARY.
LOT OF AWARDS.
HAPPY?
NO. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
WE ALL JUST WANT TO BE LOVED.
SOME SECRETS SHOULDN'T BE KEPT SECRET.

HEY, GUYS,
WHAT ARE
YOU UP TO?
JUST
TALKING.
JOIN
US.
WILL THE CONVERSATION
BE EXCLUSIVELY
ABOUT ME?
PROBABLY
NOT.
WHAT A WASTE
OF TIME THAT WOULD
HAVE BEEN.

WHO WAS ON THE PHONE, PIG?

NEIGHBOR BOB. HE'S INVITING US TO A PARTY--OUR THIRD THIS MONTH. LEMME GO TELL RAT.

PLEASE BRING BACK THE LOCKDOWN. PLEASE BRING BACK THE LOCKDOWN. PLEASE BRING BACK THE LOCKDOWN.

I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING.

DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN?
SURE. REPETITIVE LEARNING, HYPNOSIS, TRAUMA -- ALL THOSE THINGS CAN CHANGE HOW YOU THINK.
I MEANT REMOVE YOUR BRAIN AND PLOP IN A NEW ONE.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A THING.
SCIENCE IS SUCH A LETDOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THE STORY OF HOW THIS COMPANY GOT US HOOKED ON THEIR DRUG, LEADING TO A NATIONWIDE EPIDEMIC THAT'S COST US BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
STARBUCKS?
A DRUG THAT'S SLIGHTLY MORE ADDICTIVE.
NOTHING'S MORE ADDICTIVE.
NO ONE TOUCHES MY PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
MY FRIENDS ARE ALL GETTING MARRIED. NOW I FEEL LIKE IF I DON'T HURRY UP AND DO THE SAME, I'LL RUN OUT OF TIME AND BE LEFT ALL ALONE, A BIG LOSER.
IT'S REAL LIFE, NOT MUSICAL CHAIRS.
THEY LOOK A LOT ALIKE.
MUSICAL CHAIRS IS MORE FUN.

BWAHHHHHH
THUMPETTY THUMPETTY THU
BAH DUH DUH BAH DUH DUH BAH DE
PLEASE DON'T CHANGE MY ALARM TONE FROM A HARP TO METALLICA'S "KILL EM ALL."
WELCOME TO MONDAY.

Sorry to bother you, Mr. Senator, but there's something I don't understand.
Fire away.
Well, there are some issues that 90% of us agree with and yet you don't help us.
I'd love to! But I can't.
Why not?
Because I'd have to go against my own party.
So?
So without them, I can't win re-election.
So?
So then I'd lose all this power.
So?
So then I'd have to get a real job and be just like sad, little you.
Just kidding. We all become lobbyists and make ten times more money.
MAYBE THE ONLY PARTIES WE SHOULD HAVE ARE THE ONES WITH CAKE.
AND BEER. DRINKING HELPS.

WHO DO YOU THINK HAS HAD THE SINGLE BIGGEST INFLUENCE ON YOUR LIFE?
MY MOM. SHE'S THE REASON I AM WHERE I AM TODAY.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW SO?
NO MOM, NO BIRTH.
NOT REALLY WHAT THAT QUESTION MEANS.
NO BIRTH, NO CHEESE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I GOT THIS NEW APP WITH ALL THESE BRAIN EXERCISES. IT'S SUPPOSED TO KEEP YOU SHARP AS YOU AGE.
PULLED SOMETHING.

WISE ASS
ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, ALL I DO IS WORRY FROM THE MOMENT I GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING 'TIL THE MOMENT I GO BACK TO BED AT NIGHT. WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?
STAY IN BED.
THERE'S A REASON HE'S SO WISE.