Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear cell phone company,
Every time I call someone who doesn't pick up, I hear your automated recording tell me two things:
1) To leave a message at the tone; and
2) To hang up when I'm finished.
Please be advised I have mastered these skills and no longer need your instruction.
GOOD COMIC STRIPS HELP MOVE SOCIETY FORWARD.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, MY FRIEND AND I JUST FOUND OUT YOU'RE ON THE COUNTY'S LIST OF REGISTERED PHILATELISTS AND WE WANT YOU OUT OF OUR TOWN.
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I DO?
WE ASK QUESTIONS LATER, PHIL.
PHILATELISTS CAN BE VICIOUS WHEN CORNERED.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GOAT?
IT'S A MAP OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD THAT SHOWS WHERE ALL THE REGISTERED PHILATELISTS LIVE.
OH MY GOD. THERE'S ONE LIVING RIGHT NEXT DOOR.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I SHOULD PROBABLY ASK WHAT A PHILATELIST IS.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, PIG?
THAT DOG IS DOING HIS BUSINESS ON OUR LAWN AGAIN.
PROUD OF YOUR POTTY HUMOR?
WATCH ME GO.

I HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.
WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE THAT, I SIT DOWN AND START WRITING OUT POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS.
1) Get rocket.
2) Leave planet.
MAYBE MORE PRACTICAL.
HURRY UP, TECHNOLOGY. HURRY UP, TECHNOLOGY.

AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM THIS COMIC STRIP’S CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS.
MOST PEOPLE DON’T KNOW THAT CARTOONISTS HAVE TO SUBMIT THEIR SUNDAY STRIPS WEEKS IN ADVANCE. IT MAKES IT HARD TO BE TOPICAL.
FOR EXAMPLE, TODAY’S STRIP WAS DRAWN ON JANUARY 8. AND WHEN I DREW IT, I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WOULD BE HAPPENING IN THE WORLD TODAY.
SO PLEASE HELP BY PICKING THE MOST APT PANEL BELOW AND TOSSING THE REST.
OPTION 1:
THE PANDEMIC’S OVER AND OUR LIVES CAN RETURN TO NORMAL.
OPTION 2:
THE VIRUS IS WORSE THAN EVER AND EVERYTHING IS BAD.
OPTION 3:
THINGS ARE OKAY NOW BUT WILL SOON GET WORSE BECAUSE WE’RE STUCK IN AN ENDLESS *&@!*#% LOOP!!
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!
PLEASE DON’T PICK (3). PLEASE DON’T PICK (3)...

HEY, RAT, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DRINK SO MUCH BEER?
BECAUSE IT MAKES DUMB GUYS SEEM OKAY, OKAY GUYS SEEM GREAT, AND GREAT ME SEEM LIKE I CARE.
I'M AFRAID TO ASK WHERE I FALL.
RELAX. YOU'RE OKAY.

IT'S INTERESTING READING ABOUT THE GILDED AGE, THE ROARING TWENTIES, AND THE PSYCHEDELIC ERA, AND WONDERING WHAT OUR ERA WILL BE CALLED.
WHAT A EUROCENTRIC WAY TO LOOK AT ERAS, YOU FIRST-WORLD SNOB.
CANCELED.
THE JUDGMENT AGE.
THAT HAPPENED FAST.

INFLEXES ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL, WHY ARE WE HERE ON THIS EARTH?
NO ONE KNOWS.
SO WHAT DO WE DO?
THE BEST WE CAN. ALSO, ICE CREAM GOOD.
WE HAVE ALL WE NEED.

IF I CAN JUST ADD A FEW MORE FOLLOWERS ON SOCIAL MEDIA, I'LL HAVE MORE THAN ANYONE I KNOW.
AND THEN WHAT?
I'LL ADD MORE.
AND THEN WHAT?
MORE.
THEN WHAT?
TRUE INNER PEACE.
I WON'T WAIT UP.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THOSE TWINKIES?

I INVITED OVER PEOPLE FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE POLITICAL SPECTRUM TO TRY AND HAVE AN OPEN, HONEST DIALOGUE.

TWINKIES? DO I HAVE AN OPINION ON THOSE?

YES. WE MUST HAVE OPINIONS.

SUPPORT THE TWINKIE!

DE-FUND THE TWINKIE!

THAT WENT WELL.

MAYBE I SHOULDA HAVE GONE WITH DING DONGS.

ISN'T IT INCREDIBLE THAT WE HOLD A DEVICE IN OUR HANDS THAT GIVES US MINUTE-BY-MINUTE UPDATES ON EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD?
ON A SIDENOTE, WHY AM I ALWAYS SO DEPRESSED?
THERE COULDN'T BE ANY CONNECTION.
OH, LOOK, ANOTHER NATURAL DISASTER.

I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT HOW I WANT TO!
I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT WHEN I WANT TO!
I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT WHERE I WANT TO!
I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT HOW I WANT TO!
I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT WHEN I WANT TO!
I WILL PADDLE MY BOAT WHERE I WANT TO!
Though I must admit progress has been slow.
I CALL IT WHY OUR COUNTRY’S NOT PROGRESSING!
JUST HIT THE OTHER GUY WITH YOUR OAR!

Hullo, zeeba neighba. Dis Clift. He is, like, writer of books.
WHAT USE DO A BUNCH OF ILLITERATE PREDATORS HAVE FOR A WRITER?
Slow, mopey guy we can eat in hard times.
You not good for self-esteem.

I WANT TO WORK REALLY HARD SO I CAN RETIRE EARLY ONE DAY.
WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE RETIRED?
OH, YOU KNOW. SLEEP LATE, COME INTO THE CAFE FOR COFFEE, WATCH SOME T.V., NAP IN THE AFTERNOON.
THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT YOU DO NOW.
WORKING HARD IS FOR SUCKERS.

WELL. I'M OFF TO THE MAYO CLINIC.
OH MY GOODNESS, PIG. IS SOMETHING WRONG?
I'M AFRAID SO.
WHAT IS IT?
I HAVE NOT BEEN EATING ENOUGH MAYONNAISE.
SHOULD I TELL HIM OR YOU?
IT'S LIKE I'VE FOUND MY PEOPLE.

HEY, PIG. HEARD YOU MADE YOUR OWN COFFEE TABLE. I'D LOVE TO SEE IT.
OH, SURE.
IT'S LITERALLY JUST FOR COFFEE.
WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU PUT ON A COFFEE TABLE?

HEY, GOAT, WHO'S YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD?
I THINK THAT'S SORT OF A QUESTION MOSTLY ASKED BY CHILDREN. AS AN ADULT, I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT WAY.
I PREFER TO STAY IN THE KIDDIE POOL OF LIFE.
NOT A BAD WAY TO LIVE, BUDDY.
HEY, DO YOU EAT THE INSIDE OF AN OREO FIRST?

HI, GOAT. HOW’S YOUR NEW EXERCISE PLAN? HAVE YOU QUIT YET?
HEY, THE WORD QUIT ISN'T EVEN IN MY VOCABULARY.
I HAVE A WORD LIKE THAT.
WHAT?
‘SHARING’
GOOD TO KNOW.
SHOOT. I SAID IT.

WHAT'S ALL THIS, BRO?
THE "MAGIC BOX O' SMARTNESS." HOP INSIDE AND WATCH AS YOUR INTELLIGENCE GROWS.
LET'S DO IT, DUDE.
YEAH, WE'LL BE, LIKE, WAY SMART.
ALRIGHT...NOW LET MAGIC RAT SEAL YOU TIGHTLY INSIDE.
HANG ON A SEC. THERE'S A BUNCH OF STUFF IN HERE.
OH, YEAH. THOSE ARE BOOKS.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE READING 'EM, I'LL TOSS IN MORE.
SO IT'S NOT SO MUCH MAGIC AS IT IS EDUCATION.
THESE HAVE DESPERATE TIMES.
HEY, HOW DO YOU OPEN A BOOK?

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, PIG?
THESE CHOCOLATE CANDIES WITH A TASTY FILLING MADE BY ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISTS IN AFGHANISTAN.
WHAT ARE THEY CALLED?
TALIBONBONS.
AMEREECAN HUMOR BAD.
NO, NO. JUST HIS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING INTO A CRYSTAL BALL TO TRY AND DETERMINE MY FUTURE.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
CRYSTAL.
GET HELP.
MAYBE I'M CRUSHED BY A CHANDELIER.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS ON THE HILL...WHY AM I SO UNHAPPY?
YOU, LIKE MANY OTHERS, ARE TOO CONSUMED BY THE DRIVE TO SUCCEED. YOU MUST FILL THAT DRIVE WITH SOMETHING MORE SATISFYING.
I'VE GOT IT. I WILL ROOT FOR OTHERS TO FAIL.
HE KICKED ME OFF THE HILL.

I HAVE FATIGUE DUE TO COVID.
OH, NO. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD HAD COVID.
I DIDN'T.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'M JUST TIRED OF COVID.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE SAME.
SICK AND TIRED, IN FACT.

Dear This Week...
You have started out very poorly.
Please improve or I shall skip ahead to next week.
LIFE IS NOT A STREAMING SERVICE.
IT WOULD BE A NICE FEATURE.